The Rabbit Hole: Adventures in Awareness Expansion

My 40th year is upon me, and I hope like f&$! this cliche holds true! Four decades, and true to my inherently reflective nature, I wonder... What the shit do I have to show for it? What have I learnt?

The former question sits within a dark abyss of complex emotions... so let's just leave it for now, shall we? The latter question seems more do-able. 😇💩

Thanks to Facebook memories, my CV, and key blog articles I've penned (typed?), it's not terribly difficult to discern where my Mind, Heart and Spirit were at throughout these informative years. And thank goodness, because if I had to rely on my own memory, I'd make an absolute dogs-breakfast of this reflection. Ironically, I'm grateful for my blogs in a whole new sense now. Look, I realise I'm no author or influencer with my words, but nevertheless they serve an important purpose for me; through the lulls and mania, I wrote or didn't write. My periods of silence as 'loud' as my bursts of creativity. My written and spoken words are the gifts I offer this world, capable of motivational inspiration but also great ire in others. 😅🤷

Nevertheless, I could not have accomplished the self-development I've managed without these expressions. My blogs articles have facilitated my learnings and self-actualisation, shared in my vain hopes it will have a parallel impact on others who relate to my insights. So to whoever is reading/has read, thank you, may they continue to serve us well in some way... And hell, there's always a hope I'll be famous posthumously! 🙏🐇😇😆

Anyway, before I get too esoteric, on the whole, all I am certain of is... well... my thirties were... a total mind-f*$! if I'm honest. Wonderfully, epically, WEIRD. These were the experimental years, each of which included deliberate analysis, disassembly and reassembly of who I am; a complete rewiring as I shifted over time and became who I am now... Sometimes loving that person, sometimes hating her... somehow always finding a place of peaceful acceptance. There's been a plethora of battle scars, but also amazing miracles and adventures too, that's life. 🤔🌈

Short reflections for each year, along with my favourite article from the blog archives and pictures of my aging process to follow... 💖🙈🙉🙊💖

2014 (30): Life finds ways to remind us of our dreams, and sometimes kicks our ass out the door if we forget about them.

Ahhh, what a trip down memory lane, I actually remember this birthday! I was a Kansas homeowner working overnight shifts at both the Pharmaceutical plant and McDonald's. I invited both groups of work friends over and sure enough, they mixed like oil and water. 🤣 The main highlight was my McD friends creating a predictable level of drama, getting hammered, acting childish, overloading my porch swing and causing it to fall down. 'Luckily', my exit strategy to NZ was already in place 'thanks' to a situation that forced me to confront a deep knowing in myself... To be fair, nothing short of this debacle was going to push my comfort-zone clinging, this-is-what-life-is-meant-to-be, conditioned mind past the fear of living my dream; ironically allowing me to literally take flight. 🛫

Birth of a Kiwi (30/05/2014): Holds some gory details around my US exit, and a solid lesson in the repercussions of shit-talking your manager in a country where 'you're fired' is both serious and immediate. 😳

Making 'lemonade' from my sour life lesson by using the stand-down time from my soon-to-be-ex-career to go to Germany and catch up with a couple of my best friends from University. 🍋😅😎 (13/05/2014)

2015 (31): Sweating Cortisol is a real thing; the Universe tested my strength and dammit, I'll f*$!ing swim to NZ if needed!

Physically getting myself to NZ was literally the most challenging test of my human resolve that I've ever faced, and it was probably the first time I realised that 'the easy way' just wasn't going to be my life path... in any situation. 🤷 [Note: Existentially, without victim-blaming, I'm still trying to discern how much my underlying assumptions plays a part it that. i.e. If I expect life to be tough/assume I can only learn and grow through pain... well, that's what I manifest because 'thoughts expand' according to eastern spiritual doctrine.]

Anyway, LOOK OUT NZ, HERE I COME! Despite mild culture shock, largely centred around confusion over produce items like courgettes, capsicum and sultanas, I easily settled into NZ life. Highlights included breathing in the amazingly refreshing NZ air as I quickly started doing every tramp I could find, securing a new job, making some great friends, and by far the biggest win of obtaining NZ Residency in record time; which meant my one-year working holiday visa could be extended indefinitely! Finally, after a lifetime of searching, I was home. 🏡💖

US Exodus Chronicles: A horroring and nearly unbelievable series of events

Day Zero: SNAFUs #1 and #2 (07/02/2015)
Sweet Mother Mary and Joseph: I Finally Made It Out! (08/02/2015)

I wasn't in NZ yet, but hell, at least I made it to Australasia! 🌏

2016 (32): All work and lots of play makes Summer a busy-as Squirrel.

Thanks to my tendency to be absorbed in relationships and work, this was a fairly uneventful year on paper yet quite eventful in a social sense, with heaps of flat parties and friendships formed. After I got my Kiwi residency and no longer needed a 'credible' job in the view of the NZ immigration bureau, I took a real gamble and started my own personal training business, Squirrel Fitness! 💪👏

Exercise: Push Through or Pull Out? (18/10/2016)

My mate Col and I at a friend's wedding. We used to go for weekly walks and coffee dates. A top chick! 💕

2017 (33): We are not Humans having a spiritual experience, we're Spirits having a human experience.

I'm fairly certain this is the year I forgot how old I was, and my sister and I found out (the hard way) that we both base internal awareness of our age by the fact that we're 14 months apart. I couldn't remember how old I was because she couldn't remember how old she was, and vice versa. 🤣

Oh boy, and was there ever some drama early in this year... 💩💣

On a semi-related note, I moved to Taranaki and committed to 'Dairy for Life' this year! A wise choice indeed. 🐄😉

E = mc^2: The Many Names of Universal Energy (04/10/2017, Originally published as "Who is Monti Tao?")

Ah, the year Praying Mantises replaced all previous forms of faith.

2018 (34): A delightfully Delphic year spent dissecting self worth... while running... heaps.

After the plot twist that led to my Taranaki relocation, I undertook the emotional processing necessary through endurance running. My best insights come from moving meditation when my mind and body can wander together, and I had a hell of a lot of self worth work to sift through. Besides, nothing inspires inner strength like physical strength, I've always marveled that where the Body goes the Mind will follow, and vice versa. Though it rarely feels like it, it's our conscious choice that determines which is leading. 🧠😅😇

Waking Up to Worth (14/04/2018)

The only feeling better than crossing a finish line 42.2km from its start is the hot shower and turkish meal afterward. 🎽🏃😋

2019 (35): When I know what I want, I don't hesitate...

Goodness, an amazing year indeed. My gorgeous then-14-year old Niece came over for a visit and I got hitched!! A subconscious indication that my previous self-worth work had manifested a love I dreamt of my entire life. Apologies, the pain of his recent passing is still a bit too fresh... so that's all I can bring myself to say.

A Whole-Hearted Decision (15/09/2019)

We had so much fun! And I sent her ass to Hawera High School for a week for some 'Kiwi Education.' 😆🤓📚

Despite what I couldn't anticipate would come later, I back the risk to this day; loving literally every moment of my marriage, for better and for worse. Worth it. 💖💫🙏🐇💔

2020 (36): I will sacrifice a knee for a medal, which is an ironic way to back myself.

I'd find it difficult to believe if anyone forgot this year started with an epic LOCKDOWN, during which I realised the extreme gratitude of having my husband to share that experience with; we authentically had a good time and made the most of it. Since gyms were off limits, I took to training for my second marathon. Truth-be-told, I hit the wall during the previous one and wasted 20 precious minutes lying in the grass and crying. My determination was such that I felt I needed to recover that time and complete this race in under five hours. 😂⌚

And, spoiler alert, I did it! Despite the fact my right knee blew out around 38kms in, I took a handful of ibuprofen (passed to me on the run), slammed an energy drink, and said f*$# it, sub-five or bust baby!! 🤦💥

Isolation, Grief and the Power of Choice (05/04/2020)

The best part of this marathon was watching my husband zip around on a scooter the whole time to make sure that I had what I needed. He was having a blast. 😂 Having him speed ahead of me likely motivated me more than I realised as well. 🙏💖🏃

2021 (37): Being cut in half like a rag doll, and sewn back together, is a great way to get to know my body on the deepest level... and also to get a new belly button.

My husband and I did five of NZ's great walks while no tourists were allowed in our country. My God were they ever epic, the Tongariro Northern Circuit being my favourite. I really don't think there's anything better than going bush with no phone for four days and carrying everything needed to survive over that time in a tramping pack strapped to my back like an adventure-turtle!

As if that wasn't physically challenging enough, I flanked these tramps with major surgery. It was a procedure I'd wanted since completing my weight loss in 2008, and a saga I hope to be brave enough to write in Shape Shifter [Part 3] someday. Intuitively, I knew I couldn't remove the one kg of excess skin until the motivation shifted from body-hate to body-love, which only took a mere thirteen years. 👀👊😅👏

Apologies, I have no link to share for this year because I was so busy doing great walks, undergoing said surgery, and fulfilling my ambition of becoming 'Little Bo Peep' I apparently didn't have any time to write! Hand raising a day-old kid and 3-day old lamb was full on, but it was so much fun when they weren't driving me insane and eating all our plants. Watching Xena (goat) and Ellie (sheep) play and prance was a compelling time-waster! 💖😆

Turns out, this is the only type of motherhood I've even been suited for... even more true considering we rehomed them when they grew too big for us to handle. The fact it's not socially acceptable to do this with human children is the very reason I've never wanted any. 😖😝

2022 (38): Six-packs are possible, and 'some' aspects of genetics are highly advantageous.

The year started out by me setting a goal to achieve the six-pack I never thought possible after a 23-year period of morbid obesity. And all I can say is this... abs are indeed made in the kitchen as much as the gym. It requires extreme physical and mental discipline, but it is possible! Funny enough, I had confidence I could do it because I clearly carry my father's genetics and he was a legit body builder my whole life. 💪

Speaking of my Dad, I also went back to the US for a visit this year since it had been awhile and I was fairly convinced my family had forgotten what I looked like. One of my proudest moments happened when I went to my Dad's local gym with him; the guy at the counter let me in for free and remarked "I've never been more certain that this is a man with his daughter."

Healing for Humanity (06/06/2022)

Thanks to the permanent stitch now holding my abs in the right place, I was confident in my body's infrastructure, while my genetics gave me confidence in its muscle-building capability.
I am literally my father's clone! 💞🙌

2023 (39): To love, I require and deserve complete and unwavering HONESTY.

Woooo, this one's a bit of a write off if I'm honest. Decidedly f&*#-ing BLEAK. I remember that first sardonic thought as I packed up what little I wanted to take with me then drove away... "Now I just need to wait for my next husband to get divorced." An insightful glimpse into how I process emotional pain with dark humour (or how I don't, more like). 😅😳

Anyway, I did what a gypsy spirit does under such circumstances and gapped it to Europe with my Sister and still-gorgeous Niece, while pondering all new levels of the never-ending self-acceptance rabbit hole. 🐇🕳🙏

A Little Prick (30/12/2023)

Iceland has no lack of outrageous waterfalls! And even in mid-Summer, it's f*$# freezing in the north. 😂⛄❅

2024 (40!): Things happen to those who persist through the struggle and wait for the Universe to bring the right opportunity. And nothing makes me feel both the strongest and weakest I've ever been than sitting with, breathing through, and accepting unmitigated misery.

Right, can't lie/won't lie... those uprocessed emotions from 2023 finally caught up with me, just in time for my 40th birthday, and shit got gloriously BLEAK... I'll leave it there. 😳

Alas, the Universe doth eventually provide the right opportunites for progress. A fateful trip to Singapore for a neuroscience-focused coaching certification course evoked many unconscious and intense insights, and I've finally got my mojo back! 😍🙆🙌💓

I needed to go through this attrocious transition into forty to finally fully recieve the critical life lesson of learning to process emotions I find distressing, instead of shoving them down then watching the shit show of self-destructive behaviours snake their way up to the surface as a result... Life, ay? 😅😵🤦‍♀️

My Universal reward for having completed that gnarly bit of substantial healing work is a year-long hiatus in Shanghai! So, here's to winging it for a year in a totally new physical, emotional and spiritual environment and culture as this gypsy takes flight once more. 😉😎

Perception Versus Reality (23/06/2024)

I LOVED Singapore, which gives me hope for the Shanghai relocation. 🎉👌

Original Publication Date 01 September 2024

The Rabbit Hole: Adventures in Awareness Expansion

My Various Works

A Little Girl's Patience

Episode 11: Entertainment Galore!

Episode 10: Extroverted Reawakening

Episode 9: Beijing Bustle!

Episode 8: Work Hard, 'Pray' Hard

Episode 7: Random Food, Random Fun

Episode 6: Settling In & Exploration

Episode 5: Arrival!

Fortuitous Forty

Episode 4: Final Countdown!