WTF am 'I' thinking, 'You' ask?
'You' assert that deciding to get married after dating him for only a couple of months is irrational, even irresponsible. 'You' ask how 'I' can possibly hope the relationship will last, how 'I' know it's even real. Ogling him at the gym for five months is one thing, but marrying him?! 'You' assume that I can't know how 'I' truly feel after so short a time, staunchly believing this will all blow up in my face. 'You' urge me to reconsider, ask if getting engaged isn't a more logical alternative. 'You' ask me why I'm in such a hurry... 'I' have no answers to any of these points.
To put it plainly, 'I' am not thinking. 'I' know only that I deserve to be happy, loved and accepted for who I am. 'I' would rather remain single and forgo my life-goal of a 60-year marriage than be with anyone except him, though 'I' can't convey how 'I' know this. For the first time in my life 'I' am allowing myself to feel in lieu of the exhaustive reasoning that creates self doubt and undermines the trust I'm trying to build with my intuition. And on that subject, 'I' always somehow knew it would happen this way. 'I' didn't know how, who or when, but 'I' instinctively felt that I'd immediately get married as soon as I met the right person; so why the surprise? We've been close for so long, 'You' know me; an impulsive risk-taker perhaps, yet an endearing one! This utter lack of support is truly disappointing at best, and hurtful worse-still.
Regardless, 'I' accept that in your own jaded way 'You' are trying to protect me from what 'You' perceive to be inevitable pain, and on this point 'I' agree. Oh yes, there will always be pain, however we hold fundamental differences in perspective. 'I' ask 'You,' what if I waited? Whether I marry now or 10 years from now, the risk of heart-break remains the same. Would the pain 'I' feel be any less if things ended in a month, a decade, or 59 years? Would it not manifest a different type of pain holding out for the sake of some socially acceptable stand-down period? Would it somehow numb me if I lost him before symbolically committing to our relationship during a wedding ceremony? Marriage is important to me for reasons 'I' can not explain to 'You,' nor should 'I' have too.
I've even wrote a poem, which should help 'You' understand how 'I' feel, and if not....
And now? Now that I've woken up to the presence of my Spirit? Well, my Spirit, like anyone else reading this is simply an observer. Perhaps unlike other readers however, my Spirit is completely impartial. That extremely critical component of my Self sees both viewpoints and feels compassion for my Heart as well as my Head. Throughout the long and parabolic (if not turbulent) healing journey, I've come to understand that this, for me, is what it means to be whole. Non-judgmentally acknowledging that at times Heart and Head have incongruent agendas, they forget they're on the same team and as a result, my inner relationship deteriorates. Healing is learning what it takes to repair that inner conflict so I don't project that struggle into my relationships with others, causing a spiral of drama and destruction; a tornado of heart-ache and headaches. An emotional hangover...
It's taken me years to begin understanding what that communication sounds like, and even longer to comprehend how it feels. So when 'You' ask me how 'I' decide, why 'I' know it's worth the risk; it's because we communicate on that same level. Together we'll heal any hurt that befalls us. And if the worst should happen, regardless of the form of death that transpires, each of us knows how to retreat into ourselves and lick those emotional wounds. We know how to continually tend Eden's garden within, even when it seems beyond winter's barren chill.... Phew, I'd better can-it before I get carried away and too philosophical! 😂
'You' say "why rush?" while 'I' say "why wait?"
I know that right here, right now, this is our fate.
Dwelling on the negative is so easy, supposed friends who voice scepticism and doubt;
Instead I'm choosing the positive, tendered acceptance from my new family and spouse.
Have 'I' not already waited long enough?
'I' am going to do it anyway, so 'You' can get stuffed.
And before someone reading this gets pissed because they assume the 'You' is them or I unintentionally start some sort of rumour-mill, I'll divulge that both the 'I' and 'You' are ME. The 'I' is my Heart, and the 'You' is my Head, partaking in my previous familiar pass time of beating myself up. Good old-fashioned inner conflict at it's best! The Head constantly issuing 'Please Explains' to my Heart, ignoring its wants and desires without a logical answer (which was never since the Heart knows no reason, that's not its sense! Literally!).
Before my self-development work, Heart and Head were all I had and they fought f*!$-ing constantly. Something that bound me in a false-belief of broken-ness for years, perpetually hopeless and afraid because I was trapped in an abusive relationship. F&*#-ing BLEAK! 😅
And now? Now that I've woken up to the presence of my Spirit? Well, my Spirit, like anyone else reading this is simply an observer. Perhaps unlike other readers however, my Spirit is completely impartial. That extremely critical component of my Self sees both viewpoints and feels compassion for my Heart as well as my Head. Throughout the long and parabolic (if not turbulent) healing journey, I've come to understand that this, for me, is what it means to be whole. Non-judgmentally acknowledging that at times Heart and Head have incongruent agendas, they forget they're on the same team and as a result, my inner relationship deteriorates. Healing is learning what it takes to repair that inner conflict so I don't project that struggle into my relationships with others, causing a spiral of drama and destruction; a tornado of heart-ache and headaches. An emotional hangover...
It's taken me years to begin understanding what that communication sounds like, and even longer to comprehend how it feels. So when 'You' ask me how 'I' decide, why 'I' know it's worth the risk; it's because we communicate on that same level. Together we'll heal any hurt that befalls us. And if the worst should happen, regardless of the form of death that transpires, each of us knows how to retreat into ourselves and lick those emotional wounds. We know how to continually tend Eden's garden within, even when it seems beyond winter's barren chill.... Phew, I'd better can-it before I get carried away and too philosophical! 😂
I'll just add this final point:
Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one but it doesn't mean we need to listen to their shit.
Do what feels right at the time, there are no guarantees, the best we can do is have an honest go. Even if a decision blows up in our face, we can choose to learn from the experience and move on with greater wisdom.
So F*@$ it, I'm getting hitched!
💝60 years or bust, my Love 💝
And Three and a half years later.... bust it went. But hey, we gave it a go and thoroughly enjoyed the time we had together. No regrets. No resentments... not for my part, anyway.
Original Publication Date 15 September 2019, Revised 01 April 2023