Comparing myself to this ‘norm’ has always left me wondering ‘what the f*%# is wrong with me!?’ Every time I fell in love but failed to get married, I felt shameful. When I discovered I couldn’t have kids even though I have never wanted any, I felt barren, hollow, literally unable to do the one thing a female animal is put on the earth to do from a purely biological perspective. Every time I couldn’t make myself go to a ho-hum job and be satisfied with my lot instead of striving to achieve more, I felt like an over-ambition misfit, a entitled fake who had no right climbing above the social station in which I'd been born. So my logical brain concluded that I must be broken, falling short of everyone else who had what I thought I should want.
Unwilling to accept myself for who I was or honour the oddities that made me happy and brought me inner peace, I persistently tried to cram my triangular-ass through a rectangular hole. I'd then call myself a failure when it proved impossible, and blamed myself for the scars left behind for good measure. I've subconsciously learned from an extremely young age to 'blame the victim,' especially when the victim was me. It had to be my fault, otherwise I had no control. As hard as it is to admit, a less-wise version of myself rather be broken and in control than free and feel out of control.... but that gets to other larger issues; trust issues. Let's stop short of that rabbit-hole, shall we? Trust is at the centre of it all, and there's much to introduce before touching on that subject.
Unwilling to accept myself for who I was or honour the oddities that made me happy and brought me inner peace, I persistently tried to cram my triangular-ass through a rectangular hole. I'd then call myself a failure when it proved impossible, and blamed myself for the scars left behind for good measure. I've subconsciously learned from an extremely young age to 'blame the victim,' especially when the victim was me. It had to be my fault, otherwise I had no control. As hard as it is to admit, a less-wise version of myself rather be broken and in control than free and feel out of control.... but that gets to other larger issues; trust issues. Let's stop short of that rabbit-hole, shall we? Trust is at the centre of it all, and there's much to introduce before touching on that subject.
Assigning myself a worth that couldn’t be depleted by others was not only out of the question, but well beyond my brain's comprehension! My worth was dictated by what I was conditioned to view as ‘normal.’ For me, that wasn’t a measuring stick, it was a naughty stick I beat myself with for being so utterly different, a wild card, a gypsy, someone who rather stare at the moon then watch TV. I mistakenly thought no one would love me if I didn’t learn to play ‘the groundhog game’ of life: too little sleep, job, husband, kids, cook, bills, and repeat until retirement... until death. Jesus, that literally sounds like my worst nightmare. These things that seem to bring everyone else so much fulfilment only seem like they're floating on the surface of life to me, and I want to take my life deeper. But if I take the chance and dive down there, fall through the rabbit hole, would I be alone on the other side?
Waking up to the fact that my worth is directly proportional to my unique contribution to this world instead of fitting into a pre-set mould (in the shape of the 'American Dream'), I finally realised that I’m absurdly priceless. I now shamelessly (well, mostly) do what makes me feel centred and inspired; travelling to far off places by myself, journaling and reflecting daily, reading about psychology and spirituality, meditating, yoga practice, Tarot healing, running and swimming in the pre-dawn moonlight, people watching, tramping adventures, laughing at the ludicrous thoughts that spontaneously pop into my head; a veritable playground of eccentric musings. I’ve finally accepted that I’m it, the only person who’s going to stick it out with me for life (regardless of what my romantic future holds). It helped me start to treasure what makes me Summer and I’ve become fiercely protective of these attributes. I’m not lonely because my best friend is always with me. It's important to realise, however, that it's not all love and light and we still fight at times (yes, I'm still referring to myself 😆). In those unsettling instances I check in with myself to make sure I'm being authentic and genuine. The two voices typically only fight when they have conflicting agendas. My brain attempts to force my body to do what it's been trained and conditioned to think and do, while my heart and intuition get sold out for worldly riches that have no real value to my Spirit and therefore can't sustain my sense of joy, of living.
Sometimes the thought of living this freer seemingly radical way still terrifies me. The old conditioned part of my brain feels scared and alone. It makes me want to do stupid shit like rejoin dating apps. I’m grateful for this fear however, because it reminds me that I’m human, and sometimes we have shit for brains and believe all manner of falsehoods particularly regarding what constitutes success and happiness, a life worth living. As a result, I’m much more compassionate to both myself and others, yet it takes practice and determination to observe life from this aberrant vantage point. Every time my gaze drifts to a family with little ones, I must actively balance the part of my brain that tells me I’m a failure because I don’t have 'that' with the part that is literally doing a happy dance because it's true! I DO NOT WANT anyone or anything to answer to, I derserve the total freedom I know I need. Please don’t misunderstand, I indeed have a burning desire to be in a healthy partnership, but it was never going to happen while my internal relationship was in utter shambles and I clung to pre-concieved and misaligned notions of what a healthy partnership was through a conventional lens. I had to deconstruct the lens that bound me to a fate I never wanted, and create my own funky pair of spectacles 👀🔎.
Along this Fool's Adventure I’m learning to fulfil my dharma, serving the Universe in a way that only I can with my far-out gifts. What I’ve come to understand is that living under conditions I simply can’t meet has never made me feel anything but shameful and fraudulant. I constantly tried to fit in and failed, eventually hating the loser I'd made myself out to be. I've come to realise that the only thing that was actually wrong with me, is that I assumed there was something wrong with me. Sweet, sweet irony. 🐇💖
In the short time I have authentically practiced my own way of being in this World, accepting both my awesome-ness as well as my pain-in-the-ass-ness, trusting my intuition, I feel more whole and balanced than ever. I can celebrate and keep the momentum going, turning the aforementioned vicious cycle into a virtuous circle ꩜🌅.
Waking up to the fact that my worth is directly proportional to my unique contribution to this world instead of fitting into a pre-set mould (in the shape of the 'American Dream'), I finally realised that I’m absurdly priceless. I now shamelessly (well, mostly) do what makes me feel centred and inspired; travelling to far off places by myself, journaling and reflecting daily, reading about psychology and spirituality, meditating, yoga practice, Tarot healing, running and swimming in the pre-dawn moonlight, people watching, tramping adventures, laughing at the ludicrous thoughts that spontaneously pop into my head; a veritable playground of eccentric musings. I’ve finally accepted that I’m it, the only person who’s going to stick it out with me for life (regardless of what my romantic future holds). It helped me start to treasure what makes me Summer and I’ve become fiercely protective of these attributes. I’m not lonely because my best friend is always with me. It's important to realise, however, that it's not all love and light and we still fight at times (yes, I'm still referring to myself 😆). In those unsettling instances I check in with myself to make sure I'm being authentic and genuine. The two voices typically only fight when they have conflicting agendas. My brain attempts to force my body to do what it's been trained and conditioned to think and do, while my heart and intuition get sold out for worldly riches that have no real value to my Spirit and therefore can't sustain my sense of joy, of living.
Sometimes the thought of living this freer seemingly radical way still terrifies me. The old conditioned part of my brain feels scared and alone. It makes me want to do stupid shit like rejoin dating apps. I’m grateful for this fear however, because it reminds me that I’m human, and sometimes we have shit for brains and believe all manner of falsehoods particularly regarding what constitutes success and happiness, a life worth living. As a result, I’m much more compassionate to both myself and others, yet it takes practice and determination to observe life from this aberrant vantage point. Every time my gaze drifts to a family with little ones, I must actively balance the part of my brain that tells me I’m a failure because I don’t have 'that' with the part that is literally doing a happy dance because it's true! I DO NOT WANT anyone or anything to answer to, I derserve the total freedom I know I need. Please don’t misunderstand, I indeed have a burning desire to be in a healthy partnership, but it was never going to happen while my internal relationship was in utter shambles and I clung to pre-concieved and misaligned notions of what a healthy partnership was through a conventional lens. I had to deconstruct the lens that bound me to a fate I never wanted, and create my own funky pair of spectacles 👀🔎.
In the short time I have authentically practiced my own way of being in this World, accepting both my awesome-ness as well as my pain-in-the-ass-ness, trusting my intuition, I feel more whole and balanced than ever. I can celebrate and keep the momentum going, turning the aforementioned vicious cycle into a virtuous circle ꩜🌅.
More 'Conventional' Over-Generalisations...
Admittedly, this is the biggest social conditioning struggle I face as an aging, single, childless female. Conditioning in the broader sense, however, is indeed costly to many people's sense of authenticity. The crux lies within the various identities trained into our minds by our families, traditions, societies and religions. Going against the grain and re-defining roles for any reason can be both scary and inimical. While as a socially evolving race we're starting to challenge those old boundaries, how many men and women fall prey to gendered identity traps? A straight male who likes to arrange bouquets and cries while watching dramas? ... Must be queer (using the traditional definition)! A mother who enjoys alone-time pursuing her passion for body building? ... Must be selfish and vain! A lesbian priest or homosexual republican? .... An impossible unicorn! Living in a tiny home under a mountain instead of a 3 bedroom house with a double-car garage in the burbs? .... Weird! A married and able-bodied couple in their 30's who choose not to procreate and even live in different towns? WTF?!
We are all reared with deep-seated beliefs of who we should be and how we should live, and like me, when it doesn't feel right most of us force it because we don't know what else to do or what other options to explore. Seeing that conditioning for what it is, and taking those conventional 'ideals' as guidelines instead of gospel, will help us as we create our own sense of self. We are who we are, not just a mom/dad, brother/sister, athlete, executive, partner, dog/cat lover, etc. Our identities serve us best when they evolve as our awareness and thoughts shift, and can be as contradictory as necessary to suit our unique situations without holding ourselves emotionally hostage for not 'acting right.' We are free to change, yet rarely allow ourselves that right. Singing when we are told to be silent makes us stand out in uncomfortable and confronting ways, but if singing brings us genuine pleasure we must find the guts to belt out a tune when we feel the urge. In that act of authenticity, we find it doesn't matter if people sing along or not.
Original Publication Date 20 January 2019, Revised 19 December 2022
