Fortuitous Forty

My 40th year is upon me, and I hope like f&$! this cliche holds true! Four decades, and true to my inherently reflective nature, I wonder... What the shit do I have to show for it? What have I learnt?

The former question sits within a dark abyss of complex emotions... so let's just leave it for now, shall we? The latter question seems more do-able. 😇💩

Thanks to Facebook memories, my CV, and key blog articles I've penned (typed?), it's not terribly difficult to discern where my Mind, Heart and Spirit were at throughout these informative years. And thank goodness, because if I had to rely on my own memory, I'd make an absolute dogs-breakfast of this reflection. Ironically, I'm grateful for my blogs in a whole new sense now. Look, I realise I'm no author or influencer with my words, but nevertheless they serve an important purpose for me; through the lulls and mania, I wrote or didn't write. My periods of silence as 'loud' as my bursts of creativity. My written and spoken words are the gifts I offer this world, capable of motivational inspiration but also great ire in others. 😅🤷 

Nevertheless, I could not have accomplished the self-development I've managed without these expressions. My blogs articles have facilitated my learnings and self-actualisation, shared in my vain hopes it will have a parallel impact on others who relate to my insights. So to whoever is reading/has read, thank you, may they continue to serve us well in some way... And hell, there's always a hope I'll be famous posthumously! 🙏🐇😇😆

Anyway, before I get too esoteric, on the whole, all I am certain of is... well... my thirties were... a total mind-f*$! if I'm honest. Wonderfully, epically, WEIRD. These were the experimental years, each of which included deliberate analysis, disassembly and reassembly of who I am; a complete rewiring as I shifted over time and became who I am now... Sometimes loving that person, sometimes hating her... somehow always finding a place of peaceful acceptance. There's been a plethora of battle scars, but also amazing miracles and adventures too, that's life. 🤔🌈

Short reflections for each year, along with my favourite article from the blog archives and pictures of my aging process to follow... 💖🙈🙉🙊💖

2014 (30): Life finds ways to remind us of our dreams, and sometimes kicks our ass out the door if we forget about them. 

Ahhh, what a trip down memory lane, I actually remember this birthday! I was a Kansas homeowner working overnight shifts at both the Pharmaceutical plant and McDonald's. I invited both groups of work friends over and sure enough, they mixed like oil and water. 🤣 The main highlight was my McD friends creating a predictable level of drama, getting hammered, acting childish, overloading my porch swing and causing it to fall down. 'Luckily', my exit strategy to NZ was already in place 'thanks' to a situation that forced me to confront a deep knowing in myself... To be fair, nothing short of this debacle was going to push my comfort-zone clinging, this-is-what-life-is-meant-to-be, conditioned mind past the fear of living my dream; ironically allowing me to literally take flight. 🛫

Birth of a Kiwi (30/05/2014): Holds some gory details around my US exit, and a solid lesson in the repercussions of shit-talking your manager in a country where 'you're fired' is both serious and immediate. 😳

Making 'lemonade' from my sour life lesson by using the stand-down time from my soon-to-be-ex-career to go to Germany and catch up with a couple of my best friends from University. 🍋😅😎 (13/05/2014)

2015 (31): Sweating Cortisol is a real thing; the Universe tested my strength and dammit, I'll f*$!ing swim to NZ if needed! 

Physically getting myself to NZ was literally the most challenging test of my human resolve that I've ever faced, and it was probably the first time I realised that 'the easy way' just wasn't going to be my life path... in any situation. 🤷 [Note: Existentially, without victim-blaming, I'm still trying to discern how much my underlying assumptions plays a part it that. i.e. If I expect life to be tough/assume I can only learn and grow through pain... well, that's what I manifest because 'thoughts expand' according to eastern spiritual doctrine.] 

Anyway, LOOK OUT NZ, HERE I COME! Despite mild culture shock, largely centred around confusion over produce items like courgettes, capsicum and sultanas, I easily settled into NZ life. Highlights included breathing in the amazingly refreshing NZ air as I quickly started doing every tramp I could find, securing a new job, making some great friends, and by far the biggest win of obtaining NZ Residency in record time; which meant my one-year working holiday visa could be extended indefinitely! Finally, after a lifetime of searching, I was home. 🏡💖

US Exodus Chronicles: A horroring and nearly unbelievable series of events

• Day Zero: SNAFUs #1 and #2 (07/02/2015)
• Sweet Mother Mary and Joseph: I Finally Made It Out! (08/02/2015)

I wasn't in NZ yet, but hell, at least I made it to Australasia! 🌏 

2016 (32): All work and lots of play makes Summer a busy-as Squirrel.

Thanks to my tendency to be absorbed in relationships and work, this was a fairly uneventful year on paper yet quite eventful in a social sense, with heaps of flat parties and friendships formed. After I got my Kiwi residency and no longer needed a 'credible' job in the view of the NZ immigration bureau, I took a real gamble and started my own personal training business, Squirrel Fitness! 💪👏

Exercise: Push Through or Pull Out? (18/10/2016)

My mate Col and I at a friend's wedding. We used to go for weekly walks and coffee dates. A top chick! 💕

2017 (33): We are not Humans having a spiritual experience, we're Spirits having a human experience.

I'm fairly certain this is the year I forgot how old I was, and my sister and I found out (the hard way) that we both base internal awareness of our age by the fact that we're 14 months apart. I couldn't remember how old I was because she couldn't remember how old she was, and vice versa. 🤣

Oh boy, and was there ever some drama early in this year... 💩💣

On a semi-related note, I moved to Taranaki and committed to 'Dairy for Life' this year! A wise choice indeed. 🐄😉

E = mc^2: The Many Names of Universal Energy (04/10/2017, Originally published as "Who is Monti Tao?")

Ah, the year Praying Mantises replaced all previous forms of faith.

2018 (34): A delightfully Delphic year spent dissecting self worth... while running... heaps.

After the plot twist that led to my Taranaki relocation, I undertook the emotional processing necessary through endurance running. My best insights come from moving meditation when my mind and body can wander together, and I had a hell of a lot of self worth work to sift through. Besides, nothing inspires inner strength like physical strength, I've always marveled that where the Body goes the Mind will follow, and vice versa. Though it rarely feels like it, it's our conscious choice that determines which is leading. 🧠😅😇

Waking Up to Worth (14/04/2018)

The only feeling better than crossing a finish line 42.2km from its start is the hot shower and turkish meal afterward. 🎽🏃😋 

2019 (35): When I know what I want, I don't hesitate...

Goodness, an amazing year indeed. My gorgeous then-14-year old Niece came over for a visit and I got hitched!! A subconscious indication that my previous self-worth work had manifested a love I dreamt of my entire life. Apologies, the pain of his recent passing is still a bit too fresh... so that's all I can bring myself to say. 

A Whole-Hearted Decision (15/09/2019)

We had so much fun! And I sent her ass to Hawera High School for a week for some 'Kiwi Education.' 😆🤓📚

Despite what I couldn't anticipate would come later, I back the risk to this day; loving literally every moment of my marriage, for better and for worse. Worth it. 💖💫🙏🐇💔

2020 (36): I will sacrifice a knee for a medal, which is an ironic way to back myself.

I'd find it difficult to believe if anyone forgot this year started with an epic LOCKDOWN, during which I realised the extreme gratitude of having my husband to share that experience with; we authentically had a good time and made the most of it. Since gyms were off limits, I took to training for my second marathon. Truth-be-told, I hit the wall during the previous one and wasted 20 precious minutes lying in the grass and crying. My determination was such that I felt I needed to recover that time and complete this race in under five hours. 😂⌚

And, spoiler alert, I did it! Despite the fact my right knee blew out around 38kms in, I took a handful of ibuprofen (passed to me on the run), slammed an energy drink, and said f*$# it, sub-five or bust baby!! 🤦💥 

Isolation, Grief and the Power of Choice (05/04/2020)

The best part of this marathon was watching my husband zip around on a scooter the whole time to make sure that I had what I needed. He was having a blast. 😂 Having him speed ahead of me likely motivated me more than I realised as well. 🙏💖🏃

2021 (37): Being cut in half like a rag doll, and sewn back together, is a great way to get to know my body on the deepest level... and also to get a new belly button.

My husband and I did five of NZ's great walks while no tourists were allowed in our country. My God were they ever epic, the Tongariro Northern Circuit being my favourite. I really don't think there's anything better than going bush with no phone for four days and carrying everything needed to survive over that time in a tramping pack strapped to my back like an adventure-turtle! 

As if that wasn't physically challenging enough, I flanked these tramps with major surgery. It was a procedure I'd wanted since completing my weight loss in 2008, and a saga I hope to be brave enough to write in Shape Shifter [Part 3] someday.  Intuitively, I knew I couldn't remove the one kg of excess skin until the motivation shifted from body-hate to body-love, which only took a mere thirteen years. 👀👊😅👏 

Apologies, I have no link to share for this year because I was so busy doing great walks, undergoing said surgery, and fulfilling my ambition of becoming 'Little Bo Peep' I apparently didn't have any time to write! Hand raising a day-old kid and 3-day old lamb was full on, but it was so much fun when they weren't driving me insane and eating all our plants. Watching Xena (goat) and Ellie (sheep) play and prance was a compelling time-waster! 💖😆

Turns out, this is the only type of motherhood I've even been suited for... even more true considering we rehomed them when they grew too big for us to handle. The fact it's not socially acceptable to do this with human children is the very reason I've never wanted any. 😖😝

2022 (38): Six-packs are possible, and 'some' aspects of genetics are highly advantageous.

The year started out by me setting a goal to achieve the six-pack I never thought possible after a 23-year period of morbid obesity. And all I can say is this... abs are indeed made in the kitchen as much as the gym. It requires extreme physical and mental discipline, but it is possible! Funny enough, I had confidence I could do it because I clearly carry my father's genetics and he was a legit body builder my whole life. 💪 

Speaking of my Dad, I also went back to the US for a visit this year since it had been awhile and I was fairly convinced my family had forgotten what I looked like. One of my proudest moments happened when I went to my Dad's local gym with him; the guy at the counter let me in for free and remarked "I've never been more certain that this is a man with his daughter." 

Healing for Humanity (06/06/2022)

Thanks to the permanent stitch now holding my abs in the right place, I was confident in my body's infrastructure, while my genetics gave me confidence in its muscle-building capability.
I am literally my father's clone! 💞🙌

2023 (39): To love, I require and deserve complete and unwavering HONESTY.

Woooo, this one's a bit of a write off if I'm honest. Decidedly  f&*#-ing BLEAK. I remember that first sardonic thought as I packed up what little I wanted to take with me then drove away... "Now I just need to wait for my next husband to get divorced." An insightful glimpse into how I process emotional pain with dark humour (or how I don't, more like). 😅😳

Anyway, I did what a gypsy spirit does under such circumstances and gapped it to Europe with my Sister and still-gorgeous Niece, while pondering all new levels of the never-ending self-acceptance rabbit hole. 🐇🕳🙏

A Little Prick (30/12/2023)

Iceland has no lack of outrageous waterfalls! And even in mid-Summer, it's f*$# freezing in the north. 😂⛄❅

2024 (40!): Things happen to those who persist through the struggle and wait for the Universe to bring the right opportunity. And nothing makes me feel both the strongest and weakest I've ever been than sitting with, breathing through, and accepting unmitigated misery.

Right, can't lie/won't lie... those uprocessed emotions from 2023 finally caught up with me, just in time for my 40th birthday, and shit got gloriously BLEAK... I'll leave it there. 😳

Alas, the Universe doth eventually provide the right opportunites for progress. A fateful trip to Singapore for a neuroscience-focused coaching certification course evoked many unconscious and intense insights, and I've finally got my mojo back! 😍🙆🙌💓

I needed to go through this attrocious transition into forty to finally fully recieve the critical life lesson of learning to process emotions I find distressing, instead of shoving them down then watching the shit show of self-destructive behaviours snake their way up to the surface as a result... Life, ay? 😅😵🤦‍♀️

My Universal reward for having completed that gnarly bit of substantial healing work is a year-long hiatus in Shanghai! So, here's to winging it for a year in a totally new physical, emotional and spiritual environment and culture as this gypsy takes flight once more. 😉😎

Perception Versus Reality (23/06/2024)

I LOVED Singapore, which gives me hope for the Shanghai relocation. 🎉👌 

Original Publication Date 01 September 2024

The Price For Freedom

Dedicated to my sister, my Heart, and published with her permission. 🙏💖🐇  

That song, that f*$#ing song you sent me… Good god damn did it tear a hole inside me, one I’ve covered up with various things for years beyond counting. I’ve forgotten why I left or I never knew to begin with; I really can’t say. I just knew my heart couldn’t heal and my Soul couldn’t be at peace in that place. I wasn’t strong enough to stay, and I’ve never understood how you could. I’ve gone back and forth so many times in my mind, now knowing if I felt you were courageous or cowardly, lazy or tenacious. I’ve never really understood you, just accepted that you are you and I am me, and we’re both shockingly similar yet fundamentally different all at the same time. Our stories riddled with irony.

Why does this song cause me such a torrent of tears? A full-on ugly cry? Admittedly, the first verse alone made me stop it the first time I tried to listen, but recognising there was an critical lesson to learn from the writhing emotions leaving me extremely unsettled during my morning cardio and yoga routine, I came home resolved to listen to the whole thing… Sweet Jesus.

I feel my tears come from a rather bleak realisation, my first glimpse embarrassingly, into how you might be feeling… waiting for me to come home and wondering why I left; and you’re one of the three epic loves of my life to experience the jagged edges of my flighty Gypsy Spirit... I'm sure he felt that way too over the last year. Leaving the door open, willing to accommodate my particular needs and personality nuances, just to spend even a moment with me. My god, I’ve never seen it that way before, and to think I might have caused you that delicate mixture of hope and pain is ripping me apart from every angle of my being. After everything that happened to us the last thing you deserved was to be left by another person in your life… yet you let me go without so much as a word. Selflessly, you only ever wanted me to be happy. Sadly, I mistook it for apathy.

You are and have always been the one person, the one detail of my life, I never wanted to leave behind, but selfishly I knew I had to… I could never thrive there; I felt a compulsion to fly away in pursuit of god-knows-what. I wasn’t strong enough to stay. You were the one true sacrifice I made. I’ve always been thankful that you granted my freedom with such grace, because you’re the only living person that holds that level of power over me. The only person I unconditionally trust.

I left for so many reasons, some conscious, the vast majority either subconscious or down-right unconscious. Hopping around at first, not too far from the nest, until I felt the very soil under my feet burning me alive every time I thought I’d found a safe place to land. At first I assumed you understood but actually wanted me around without wanting to hold me back, over time I somehow deluded myself into thinking you were better off… if I was around all the time than I’d just annoy you until you didn’t want me around anymore anyway. I thought the trips every few years would sustain us… It wasn’t until you gifted me that song that I truly started to understand your perspective and perplexity.

🎵🔊“Don’t you find it strange that you just went ahead and carried on?”🎵🔊

I’ve asked you that question in various ways over the years, but I can’t say I’ve ever comprehended your answers which largely centered around your stubbornness. I always suspected you weren’t telling me how you really felt. And now I don’t honestly know who was strong, you for staying or me for leaving… The truth, of course, is that we both are in our own ways.

Where some develop roots, for many complicated reasons most of which are beyond my human comprehension, I grew wings; I cherish and value freedom and flight… And this is the price I’ve paid in pain up until now, it’s left me homeless without a genuine sense of belonging. Free to be anyone and live anywhere, I relive identity crisis after identity crisis, fumbling. The freedom I cling to has become a barrier as so many options lay in front of me that I am paralysed by choice, not to mention the familiar sense of not knowing what I ultimately want to do with my life. I do not now, nor have I ever, had a clear vision of what I wanted. I’ve been a blackbird lost in a storm, enjoying transient moments of calmness within the eye before recklessly throwing myself into the wall to face the next challenge head-on. I did it to survive, to fight, to feel strong… now my muscles are so heavy I grow tired easily, still with nowhere to roost that feels right.

Symbolically I’ve always known this… nearly a decade ago I had the scene inked into my skin. You perched blissfully on your comfy branch back at home, stable and stoic… me up and flying off… it never occurred to me you’d ever felt like I left you behind; miss me. How could I ever expect you to understand what I didn’t understand myself? And, for all my brainy intellect, I remain woefully ignorant despite what feels like five lifetimes of lessons and jarring human experiences crammed into less than half a typical lifespan. Ironically, you are as strong if not stronger than me through staying… But then we always shared our delight in irony.

I left to heal, I left to discover myself, I left to find happiness, to ‘feel out’ where the hell I belonged… What I’ve discovered leaves me as confused as ever. Here I sit a million miles away from where started, yet somehow right back where I began. Lost and confused, not knowing where my home is… Yes my mind, heart and Soul have changed in many ways, yet I’m living this strange exquisite Universal irony of losing her all over again, just in a different form… supporting another person with her name, feeling that familiar grief. Suddenly I get it, she used to call me her heart, drunkenly slurred but purely authentic, I was her heart… just as I’m realising that you are mine, and my home is where my heart can be found whenever I sense it's lost.

All that said, I honestly have no regrets. I’m grateful for each and every lesson this lifetime has afforded me, thankful for the resilience I’ve cultivated, and profoundly humbled by all the connections I’ve made across this Earth. More and more of late, however, I feel that true thriving is not somewhere I have to try and find, it’s following my moral compass and trusting the rest to fall into place no matter how terrifying or uncomfortable. That compass has been recalibrated many times as I evolve, reshaping the scars of my past into new mindsets and ways of being, informed equally by my rational mind, compassionate heart and my gypsy Spirit.

This song wholeheartedly touches me because in it I hear you calling me home, for the first time, and it's agonising. Though I’m finally strong enough and there is no one on this Earth I’d rather grow old with ... still I cannot go back. I may not know where I belong, I only know that it is not there. The pain my heart suffers as I listen to this song, as I think of you, is the price I pay for freedom; something my Spirit demands. But yes, my heart will always pull me towards my home, towards you... inspiring the internal friction and the next storm brews. Another opportunity to gauge my compass. 🧭🐇

Perhaps I don’t belong there because I belong everywhere else, to continue my adventures and worldly connections with as many other human Souls as possible. Regardless, thank you for sending me this song, thank you for helping me understand my own heart on a deeper level; most importantly, thank you for wholly accepting all that I am and all that I am not, sacrificing your sisterly love so I am free to fulfill my purpose. 

Original Publication Date 12 May 2024

Secrets of a Samaritan

My Sunday started off like all others, a fortified coffee (Cappuccino sachet + a heap of extra instant 😳😵) and tarot reflection, then to the gym for my beloved cardio-yoga combo. Admittedly, my latest reading left me more than a bit existentially perplexed, prompting me to re-evaluate what 'lights my inner fire' since a turbulent couple of months had me dazed and confused. I've lost my way, my sense of purpose, and I'll be the first to own that BLEAK reality. Luckily the Universe was about to present me with a great 'opportunity' to take stock and re-assess who I am, who I was and who I want to become... with the added bonus of confronting a new 'secret' identity. 😅🐇👀

As I snaked my way to the gym on the other side of town I drove past what was unmistakably an inert body laying on the sidewalk, sprawled somewhat into the road. Instead of immediately stopping to investigate, I kept driving and listened to the torrent of thoughts running through my head at break-neck speed:

• Keep driving... What if they're dead? I don't need that trauma!
• I'm sure they'll be fine... It's not that chilly... Someone else will stop.
• OMG, turn around, help them!
• Leave them to it, I can't know what state they're in or what's led them there... it's none of my business.
• What if I do help and they come-to and attack me? What if they have a weapon?
• I don't know how long it'll take if I do try and help, what if I miss my cardio time?
• Are you F*$#ING SERIOUS?! TURN AROUND AND GO HELP... AT LEAST TRY!!

I felt an extremely unpleasant mixture of thoughts, some spoken from my self-serving Asshole of a tiny human ego, interested solely in preserving myself and my own agenda... A shadow-laden voice who doubted my own inner ability to cope with whatever trauma the situation might hurl my way, and also mistrusted the unpredictable inert body that lay on the ground. Countered by my higher Self, the one developed through continual shifts in my awareness and healing work, who screamed at me, begging me to care for this poor Soul in their time of need to make sure they weren't alone and abandoned. What if it was me who needed help, for a random stranger to care for me? How many other cars had already driven past, turned a blind eye? Was I really going to ignore what I'd seen and selfishly drive on, suppress my conscious?

No, not anymore. A younger version of myself would have kept driving... has done it before I'm ashamed to admit; greedily refusing to spend my time and energy on another person. I simply am not, and can no longer be, that person anymore... So I turned around. I pulled up, knelt next to the beautiful young woman who'd obviously had a big night, still clutching her vape. It was clear she was breathing and there was nothing concerning about its rate or rhythm so I relaxed and gently tried to rouse her. When these attempts failed however, I called 111 and hailed another passing car in case I needed extra help. Luckily they didn't have the moral struggle that I had since they stopped immediately. 😂💩🤦

While talking to the 111 operator and performing the checks and preventative positioning required to keep her safe, she woke. Understandably disoriented, I did my best to keep her calm and explain how I'd found her. When I explained the ambulance was on their way as a precaution she became agitated and anxious stating she could not afford the $150 fee, she also expressed embarrassment. I felt for her and insisted on paying the fee myself to try and calm her, then chuckled as I said 'Honey, we've all done shit like this at your age... and I admire your ability to have a sleep on pavement instead of driving,' while simultaneously visualising Summer Version 1.0 either driving blind-drunk and cackling through the streets of Denver, or wandering a curvy path home for miles determinedly treking my happy-ass home after failing to tell my friends I'd left the bar... I was rather infamous for both. 🤷😅

The ambulance officers quickly understood that she was ok and said she'd only be charged a fee if they took her home, so I asked her if she was comfortable with getting a ride home with me instead. She gratefully agreed and I carefully helped her into my car... Suddenly that little prick of a voice returned in my ear:

• Sure, she seems ok now, but what if she spazes out suddenly?!
• Is she being honest about where she lives? What if it's a trap!
• She might grab the wheel, threaten me, steal the car and/or hurt me...
  

I'll be damned if our heads aren't full of survival/threat-saturated BULLSHIT🐮... I get it, that selfish voice is trying to protect me, keep me alive and out of danger... but I'm not listening. This experience has helped me re-align my moral compass and who I funadmentally am now, closer to (but not yet) the person I want to become. Despite the risk, I will trust others and do what I can to serve them. To do that a sense of security and safety must live and thrive inside me. My moral compass will go skew-whiff otherwise, as it has done for the last couple of months... Survival mode took hold of me without me realising it. 👈😳

We spoke of many things on our way to her house, but the prevailing sentiment I'll treasure is knowing that the only thing that matters, now and always, in New Zealand and all across the World, is that we look after each other; care for one another. I felt no judgment towards her, did not wonder what decisions led her to that concrete bed, I was simply relieved that she was alive and could continue sharing her light with loved ones and grow into a healthy adult made wiser from lifes' experiences. She hesitated before getting out of the car, leaned over to hug me, and my heart filled with joy and gratitude. 

I've always assumed that I was too honest to be a kind person... perhaps I'm wrong, here is an opportunity for me to observe and disqualify that limiting belief. I listened to the right voice, I cared for her and preserving her life more than I worried for my own. What's more, I didn't know it was a sweet young woman on the pavement; I would have helped anyone, no matter what state they were in because that's who I want to be dammit. I thanked the Universe for this fateful reconnection with what drives me and 'lights my inner flame'... serving and empowering others. 💞🔥

This was a reminder that I can not do that unless I challenge my innate narcissistic demons and PAUSE long enough to realise the glorious IRONY at play; this life may seem superficially 'about me,' but its actually overwhelmingly, laughably, NOT ABOUT ME. My impact on this earth will be through others, and my ability to motivate them to reach their full potential via their own moral compass (instead of getting bogged down in the rat-race groundhog day of threat-based reactivity). I love, beyond reason, the weird and wonderful humans of this Earth (myself included 😂). My passion lies in expanding awareness of my own thoughts, feelings and bevhaviours so that I can role model and influence others in a meaningful empathy-based way, show them what hidden gems may be uncovered when we break free of our self-defeating cycles and know ourselves on deeper and deeper levels. Our greatest and most powerful choice perhaps, lies in deciding which inner voice to act upon. 💖🙏🐇

Right... there's my typical soap-box conclusion out of the way... 😂😅👌

Now for my secret, one my heart buried so deep it eluded me for fifteen blissfully-ignorant months. I suspect what happened with this girl unsurfaced a false assumption I've been making about someone else... my husband, actually... that it's 'easy' to do the right thing, and any resentments and/or disgust I held against him for doing otherwise was a just choice. Now, I know it's simply not that simple... We are both 'Good People,' shadows and all. 😔🤦

Without all the gory details... I am now a widow. Though my husband and I separated over a year ago, we were still married and I was contacted as his next of kin. It's been a hair-raising emotional rollercoaster, but here's where I've unexpectedly landed... I FEEL more like a widow than an ex-wife, and it's taken copious amounts of vulnerability-based strength to admit this to myself, and now to everyone willing to read these words. Grappling with the fear of expressing this intimate insight of widow-dom, of potentially owning a powerful and terrifying truth that I could never expect anyone else to understand, least of all because I hardly understand it myself. Still worse, being a widow runs the danger of evoking something I loathe more than anything else... sympathy. I am no victim, there is no 'real' blame, I left for the right reasons, guilt be damned, but though I physically and mentally left my marriage... my heart stayed behind, stayed loyal to him, and always would have; I never once over that period felt an authentic Intention to move on or pursue another romantic relationship. 💔💩

What I might have never realised without his sudden death was the painful fact that my heart intended to return one day after he'd had time to fully consider his fallible actions... Oh how the Heart doth deceive. Only now do I miss him more than I can bare to face, feeling hopeless to ever again find someone so loving, encouraging and accepting, regardless of his complicated and objectively deviant history. I'm sad, frightened, and only now has the loneliness caught up with me... Who the hell will love me now, riddled with 'eccentricities' as I am (difficult as it is to label them as mental illness(es)... whoever came up with that term should be tarred and feathered 😕😡🐔)?! 

But the Universe saw fit to help me move on and grieve in only the way the Universe can, by completely removing the 'go-back' option... and on the whole, I am grateful. Gratitude is my one empowering option. Sometimes we need that wake-up call (literally and figuratively 😅📞), forced yet loving 'assistance' with stepping onto the next lesson and given a chance for closure from the one that came before. Along this adventure, I've accepted that I am here to humbly serve and genuinely trust the Universe as best as my current state of evolution allows. I endeavour to find peace in the sobering realisation that I can not always understand 'The Why.' 🙏🐇

In honour of my late husband, biggest supporter and best friend. Thank you for four of the best years of my life, filled with laughter, joy, surprises and growth. Thank you for reminding me that We (meaning all humans) are neither monsters nor saints (whether by self-identification or the perception of others, in either case!👿😵😇💫)... Humans are best served by authentic curiousity, compassion and understanding, instead of implacable judgment.

Original Publication Date 28 April 2024

Page of Cups

TRIGGER WARNING: This post touches on aspects of my Disordered Eating and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Please proceed with kindness and compassion for everyone's sake. 

The Page of Cups rarely comes to me in its upright position! Being well versed in the reversed meaning... deep underlying trauma and the need to heal so as to avoid projectile vomiting my own bullshit onto everyone else like a total asshole. I can only suppose that the 'work' I've done over the years has started to bear fruit. In one word, I feel POTENTIAL. The image is one of celebration, heartfelt admiration for the richness that emotions bring to our lives. Indeed, we can be prisoners to them or liberated by them... it's our choice.

To be honest, I needed this card this morning, as I sit with a sated shadow full of chips, chocolates and guilt from last night's binge. I just wanted all the trigger food in this house gone once and for good. A twisted act of deliverance, perhaps... I actually tossed out some of the chips and kept about three chocolates for later, so I did show some restraint... which I choose to be proud of dammit! I also TRUST myself and my body to rebalance... and there's the fact that if I gain a bit of weight, so f*&#ing what?! And just in those sentiments, I see the reinforced importance of choosing to align with the healthier thoughts rather than the dysfunctional thoughts...

For me, this card is about healthy choices, choosing to 1) identify and 2) celebrate the emotions that serve me well instead of dwelling on the negatives, disappointments, fear, worry, etc. It's a choice, and it's a f*&#ing hard one to be sure! But thankfully I've practiced making that choice enough for this card to arrive to me upright, which I certainly take as a win! I could wallow in self pity, beat myself up, be paranoid that fat will suddenly reappear all over my body, succumb to the fear that I'll never find my way out of this wretched eating disorder ... or I could accept I ate that food for a reason and rejoice that it's all gone (even if that reason was fuelled by compulsive thoughts). 

What enables me to focus on the healthier emotional choice of empowerment over punishment is understanding that having OCD that manifests itself as disordered eating doesn't make me less of a person or less worthy of love. It doesn't subtract from who I really am, it's just a characteristic that I have to try and manage from time to time, and continue to heal (and at this point, if I'm taking my own advice, I may - again - need professional help)... Even still, the scar may be permanent and may never go away, and the real test of my compassionate fortitude will be persisting in loving myself regardless, maintain radical self responsibility and esteem. There's also the fact that I'm positively f*&#ing sick of being mean to myself and I simply refuse to beat myself up anymore... 30+ years of data clearly demonstrates that it doesn't work!

The true meaning of this card in its upright position is 'a reminder that we can return to our natural state of innocence, playfulness and openness'... like a child before conditioning takes hold. Can I return to my pre-disordered eating state? Or, dare I ask, a state before neglect repeatedly broke my heart... leading to the slippery slope of self-abuse and mental ailments that abuse created? This card reminds me I've done a f*&# of a lot of excellent work already and I'm well aware of what's still to be done. In the meantime... I'm a good person with a good heart, good intentions, and raw determination... So I know I'll get there if it's what I genuinely desire; I can and will achieve whatever I set myself to, and that just might be the very definition of self-security.

Original Publication Date 04 February 2024

Volcanic Guilt

TRIGGER WARNING: This post touches on aspects of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Disordered Eating within the context of my marriage's demise. 😳

It is deeply vulnerable, brutally honest, contains a lot of unedited F-bombs and may be a bit F*&#-ing BLEAK on the whole (akin to listening to "I Know It's Over" by The Smiths 😅😭). I wrote this to sate my own need for healing as a way to express and process my grief. My Intention is to openly share a very apt example of how profound emotional issues can lay submerged in our subconscious for prolonged periods of time, how they might present as elusive self-sabotaging behaviours, and to contemplate what the hell to do with them when they finally come bubbling up to the surface. 

I'm struggling and no mistake. I'd have to guess, based on last night's nightmare, that he took the booze and sowed that lie exactly one year ago and something deep within my psyche remembers even though the exact date was never verified. The nightmare helped awaken me to the fact that I feel he proverbially 'Spat in my face,' just completely rejected me... his act was an act of purposefully malicious sabotage of our marriage. He may as well have ripped up our marriage license, vows, pictures... everything... right in front of me and said "You're a psycho that I don't want to be with anymore." In committing that act he abandoned me, left me no choice, gave me no control, no options to better myself to save our marriage... 💡🐇💣

Fucking hell, that just made me realise how badly I blame myself for our marriage ending. 😱😵😭

And isn't that a fucking classic example of victim-blaming and my proclivity for refusing to see myself as a victim... I can't allow myself to be the victim. Instead, I make myself the villain, the control freak, the monster, the person no one in their right mind would want to be with... and by-so-doing, I punish myself, I sabotage, I undermine my basic values and literally de-value myself, obliterating my self esteem. Quite frankly, I intentionally scare the shit out of myself, I've been doing it for about a week now... How? One of my biggest triggers... fucking food... literally eating anything I can get my friggin' hands on and invoking the intense fear of weight gain. 😣💥🍪🎂🤢 

The majority of people would say "But some indulgence, especially during the holidays, is normal! What's the big deal Summer? Relax, it'll be fine." Yet only those with disordered binge eating who have fought this particularly horrendous mental illness can understand how truly dangerous it is. These behaviours harm my mind as much as my body, likely more-so given they fuel the very vicious cycle of imbalance, like a gently undulating sea turned into a torrent of turbulent swells. 🌊

Fuck, I DON'T DESERVE ANY OF THIS! So what the fuck do I do?! Is it as simple as becoming aware of these underlying false beliefs and calling BULLSHIT again and again until I believe the true version of the situation instead of my distorted and self-deprecating version? How do I stop blaming myself for the fact that someone... No, not just someone, the person I loved most in this world, who I made personal and material sacrifices for, who I stood beside when no one else would, who I gave a BIG second chance to when he'd betrayed me the first time with a relationship-shattering lie (well, more of a withheld truth / lie by omission)... crossed the line I had so very very clearly drawn in the sand. Metaphorically by committing this act, he looked me straight in the face and walked right over it. At that point I had to let go for my own good... and perhaps for his as well... I can't know, I don't have visibility to him anymore. 🤷🤔

No control, just a void where the wedding vow of "I Will" once occupied... I fucking hate lying... and now I'm a liar because one year ago I had to face the situation in front of me and say "I Won't," like the bleakest Meatloaf Song. The worst part is I can't even be pissed... I'm too sad, too devastated (even a year later) to be truly angry... Too shocked that he'd throw away an otherwise beautiful marriage, all for a lie... A lie he told to hide from his own shadows. 🙈🙉🙊

I've not been able to find these words until right now, this very moment, and I'm grateful for them... grateful for the sadness... my heart has been holding onto this for a long time and that's a heavy burden to bear. This heartache grew to a crescendo until it drove an insatiable hunger, a way for my Body to awaken my conscious mind to the latent grief that required attention. No, I am not wholly the victim in this situation and I won't pretend to be... I wasn't a perfect wife. I have Dizzying divergence and other quirks that I can imagine being difficult to deal with day-in and day-out as a partner... but isn't that marriage?! To love someone despite their flaws? Fuck, maybe - potentially - even loving them because of their flaws?! That's what I tried to do for him... but we both failed I guess. Neither of us could accept each other's worst shadows when it came down to brass tacks... so fair enough. 👋

All I can say is that I'm proud of myself for being constantly, bluntly, vulnerably, transparent and utterly HONEST about my shadows. I KNOW them, OWN them, and educate my loved ones about them... They are me and I am them. Whole. I asked for help, support and encouragement when I could feel my inner asshole grow stronger if/when life stressors got too great to manage with my normal resilience habits. I never hid the monsters inside me, because over the last 10 years I've paused, reflected, dug deep, delved into my iceberg and explored myself. It was a hard and sometimes terrifying adventure, but eventually I taught myself how to love them, embrace them, view them as a superpower. For me, this was an essential part of healing and it's fucking gruelling work... so some people lie instead of taking accountability of their own demons... and people who can't be honest with themselves sure as shit can't be honest with others. 💩👀

I made it clear I couldn't be with that kind of person, someone without the courage to confront their own shadows. For the simple cost of open honesty, I'd do everything it took to ease the discomfort of that process and provide unfailing support, I'd forgive any slip so long as I knew about it before everyone else... but it was in vain. 

One year ago a choice was made... to lie. Unfortunately I'd suffered as many lies as I'm willing to suffer in this life already, I was tapped out... so I left. I left my home, my cat, my dreams of our future... I left and I've never looked back. After all that I'll be fucked if I'll continue to lie to myself! An unhealthy lie that my shadows ended our marriage... that I'm wholly to blame. Finally, A LIE I CAN CONTROL. So I will. 👌🖕😅

There's so much to be grateful for... I'm grateful for a timely heartfelt insight, so I can calm this self-inflicted subconscious internal anguish I've been unjustly enduring. 

Regardless, from the actual day, I've been thankful for these intuitive Knowings: 💯

• I was happy in my marriage right up to the second I decided to leave
• I have ZERO REGRETS, it was worth the risk
• The pain of our separation enabled me to learn self-care on a whole new level; I dialled that shit up to expert-level 😂🏆
• I was happy in my singledom the second I decided to leave... thoroughly at peace with my discernment of the situation and it's long-term implications

Unconditional love is extraordinarily rare in this life, and I may not have gotten it from my marriage but I'll damn sure love myself that way because it's what I fucking DESERVE. It's what we all deserve. 🙏💖

Here it comes... the ugly cry 😭💔... and I'll celebrate every tear because fuck I earned this right, this release, to be free of this wretched guilt. I deserve to reclaim my worth and feel secure in myself... shadows and all.

I had my most trusted editor, my Sister, vet this article for me to ensure I wasn't being too overt with the message and that it flowed well... I found her insights rather wise and amusing. 💞😅🌋

I especially appreciate her analogy because it relates back to our Human Iceberg comparison... Whether by fire or ice, failing to expand our awareness and/or ignoring what lies deep within us is a dangerous game to play; we get burnt either way... Our triggers give us significant indications of what snakes lay within ready to strike us or others if we remain oblivious to ourselves. 🐍🐇😳

And on that cheerful note, a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! 😅🎄😇🎉

Added 28 February 2026: As I reflect this Daring act, I marvel that I failed to check back in to mention that three short months after writing this ... he died, and my grief escalated to a whole new level of F&*#-ing BLEAK! 😅💩

Original Publication Date 24 December 2023