A Whole-Hearted Decision

WTF am 'I' thinking, 'You' ask? 

'You' assert that deciding to get married after dating him for only a couple of months is irrational, even irresponsible. 'You' ask how 'I' can possibly hope the relationship will last, how 'I' know it's even real. Ogling him at the gym for five months is one thing, but marrying him?! 'You' assume that I can't know how 'I' truly feel after so short a time, staunchly believing this will all blow up in my face. 'You' urge me to reconsider, ask if getting engaged isn't a more logical alternative. 'You' ask me why I'm in such a hurry... 'I' have no answers to any of these points. 

To put it plainly, 'I' am not thinking. 'I' know only that I deserve to be happy, loved and accepted for who I am. 'I' would rather remain single and forgo my life-goal of a 60-year marriage than be with anyone except him, though 'I' can't convey how 'I' know this. For the first time in my life 'I' am allowing myself to feel in lieu of the exhaustive reasoning that creates self doubt and undermines the trust I'm trying to build with my intuition. And on that subject, 'I' always somehow knew it would happen this way. 'I' didn't know how, who or when, but 'I' instinctively felt that I'd immediately get married as soon as I met the right person; so why the surprise? We've been close for so long, 'You' know me; an impulsive risk-taker perhaps, yet an endearing one! This utter lack of support is truly disappointing at best, and hurtful worse-still. 

Regardless, 'I' accept that in your own jaded way 'You' are trying to protect me from what 'You' perceive to be inevitable pain, and on this point 'I' agree. Oh yes, there will always be pain, however we hold fundamental differences in perspective. 'I' ask 'You,' what if I waited? Whether I marry now or 10 years from now, the risk of heart-break remains the same. Would the pain 'I' feel be any less if things ended in a month, a decade, or 59 years? Would it not manifest a different type of pain holding out for the sake of some socially acceptable stand-down period? Would it somehow numb me if I lost him before symbolically committing to our relationship during a wedding ceremony? Marriage is important to me for reasons 'I' can not explain to 'You,' nor should 'I' have too. 

I've even wrote a poem, which should help 'You' understand how 'I' feel, and if not....

'You' say "why rush?" while 'I' say "why wait?"

I know that right here, right now, this is our fate.

Dwelling on the negative is so easy, supposed friends who voice scepticism and doubt;

Instead I'm choosing the positive, tendered acceptance from my new family and spouse.

Have 'I' not already waited long enough? 

'I' am going to do it anyway, so 'You' can get stuffed.

And before someone reading this gets pissed because they assume the 'You' is them or I unintentionally start some sort of rumour-mill, I'll divulge that both the 'I' and 'You' are ME. The 'I' is my Heart, and the 'You' is my Head, partaking in my previous familiar pass time of beating myself up. Good old-fashioned inner conflict at it's best! The Head constantly issuing 'Please Explains' to my Heart, ignoring its wants and desires without a logical answer (which was never since the Heart knows no reason, that's not its sense! Literally!). 

Before my self-development work, Heart and Head were all I had and they fought f*!$-ing constantly. Something that bound me in a false-belief of broken-ness for years, perpetually hopeless and afraid because I was trapped in an abusive relationship. F&*#-ing BLEAK! 😅

And now? Now that I've woken up to the presence of my Spirit? Well, my Spirit, like anyone else reading this is simply an observer. Perhaps unlike other readers however, my Spirit is completely impartial. That extremely critical component of my Self sees both viewpoints and feels compassion for my Heart as well as my Head. Throughout the long and parabolic (if not turbulent) healing journey, I've come to understand that this, for me, is what it means to be whole. Non-judgmentally acknowledging that at times Heart and Head have incongruent agendas, they forget they're on the same team and as a result, my inner relationship deteriorates. Healing is learning what it takes to repair that inner conflict so I don't project that struggle into my relationships with others, causing a spiral of drama and destruction; a tornado of heart-ache and headaches. An emotional hangover...

It's taken me years to begin understanding what that communication sounds like, and even longer to comprehend how it feels. So when 'You' ask me how 'I' decide, why 'I' know it's worth the risk; it's because we communicate on that same level. Together we'll heal any hurt that befalls us. And if the worst should happen, regardless of the form of death that transpires, each of us knows how to retreat into ourselves and lick those emotional wounds. We know how to continually tend Eden's garden within, even when it seems beyond winter's barren chill.... Phew, I'd better can-it before I get carried away and too philosophical! 😂

I'll just add this final point: 

Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one but it doesn't mean we need to listen to their shit. 

Do what feels right at the time, there are no guarantees, the best we can do is have an honest go. Even if a decision blows up in our face, we can choose to learn from the experience and move on with greater wisdom. 

So F*@$ it, I'm getting hitched!

 💝60 years or bust, my Love 💝

And Three and a half years later.... bust it went. But hey, we gave it a go and thoroughly enjoyed the time we had together. No regrets. No resentments... not for my part, anyway.

Original Publication Date 15 September 2019, Revised 01 April 2023

Stay

Stay, stay; don’t run away

i didn't believe in what i deserve, so i led myself astray

Be brave enough to say that I am this way


i cannot learn patience until I pause long enough to see

That I am magic, I was born to be me

Free

Lack Luster

Back in 2015 I wrote a definition for Patience, stated as: An awareness and acceptance that one has no control over the external components of their life; most notably, those matters pertaining to other People. . . 

The fact that I 'knew' what patience meant to me then highlights why I thoroughly enjoy self-development. As I evolve and practice accepting that I can not, and do not want to, control other people or their actions, my struggle with patience continues to take on new weird and wonderful configurations, the onion layers peeling back. Indeed, patience looks very different to me now 🐇🕰.

While reflecting on those words I felt deeply for my younger-self, coming to grips with the fact I had sweet F$*!-all control over anything but my own thoughts, emotions and actions. I remember that humbling blow to my tiny-human ego all too well. Hell, I'd be lying if I didn't admit this reality still bitch-slaps me every now and again, lest I forget to stop trying to control everything; like an alcoholic with amnesia who continually forgets to put the booze down, picking it up simply out of habit and a go-to reaction to life's many stresses. But I digress, what I described then is impatience in the form of levelling others to get to where we want to be. Driving like a maniac to gain one car length, stomping over people for the last 'Tickle-Me Elmo,' cutting in line to be the first person on the plane to sit down and, well, sit... for hours 🤔. This notion can best be summarised as 'hurry up and wait.' The reward for our hastiness? A bright shiny badge labelled 'Grade-A Asshole' 😅.

Interestingly, I believe that the 'hurry up and wait' dilemma is a consequence of the instant gratification to which nearly every westernised 21st century human is privy, most notably Americans. This form of impatience is less typical in Kiwis, one of many welcomed cultural differences of my new life... though it does make me stand out as a bit of a dick from time to time 😆! Even that's a good thing however, if I didn't notice the stark difference between my observable agitation at having to wait and the calmly waiting Kiwis, I wouldn't have become aware that my behaviour was unacceptable or have an example to follow to make the required improvements 🙏💖.

After falling down the Rabbit Hole however, my impression of patience has expanded along with my awareness, so let's start afresh! On the most logical level, why would we feel impatient? ... Go ahead, have a go... 🐇

For me, it's because there is something we feel we need but do not have; we are experiencing a deficit or lack of something we want or feel we need. Different people are prone to feeling this 'not enough' issue for different things, but we all share the common sensation. Who, for example, hasn't endured a money dilemma? Experienced loneliness due to a lack of love or attention, touch? Worked at a job that they felt stymied their overall career goals, or felt otherwise disengaged from their work? Expressed an intolerance to hunger or thirst? Had to have the newest iPhone, Samsung or some other techno gadget?  Repeatedly avowed there's not enough hours in the day? Shit, even dogs beg for food and attention...

Huh, I just realised I spend a considerable amount of time beating myself up for feeling impatient even though it's a basic animal survival instinct. That's the primitive biological form of impatience however, this is the Rabbit Hole dammit, let's get existential with it!

There are justifiable reasons to challenge our perceptions of impatience, growing our emotional maturity and resilience along the way. Let's delve into the green underlined text above and contemplate the gap between what we FEEL we need versus what we ACTUALLY need. Emotional survival versus lizard-brain survival, respectively. Within that rabbit hole of a gap, impatience and trying to get what we don't have enough of, is little more than striving to manifest what we want instead of allowing it to come in a more Universal or Spiritual way....

"What the F*$# are you on about Summer?! What do you mean a 'more Universal way'?! If there's something we want or need, but don't have, shouldn't we do what we have to do to get it?!"

... Yes, and no. The Universe operates on a healthy sense of irony, and is never so black and white.

Patience lies on a spectrum between Will and Allowing, and this is the key to manifesting our destiny and co-creating our reality (admittedly, a key I often fumble and drop, or misplace and can't find 😂). I've done 'research' into this lofty concept of manifestation, and so far as I can ascertain, the guiding rule is to live as though we already have what we want, which tricks our brains into thinking we don't need it. In turn, we stop trying to control shit and... Boom! It appears like MAGIC 💥.

For example, we all know or have heard of a couple who've tried everything to have a baby. Tests, injections, IVF, eating certain foods, post-coital head-stands; you name it, they've tried it! They grow impatient, become obsessed with the outcome and think of nothing other than how much they want to hold that baby. After years, feeling battered, bruised, hopeless and likely bankrupt, the down-trodden couple throw up their hands and give up; remit control. They commit to re-focusing on others things that are important to them to take their minds off of their dilemma: projects around the house, weekends away to re-build their own relationship, time with friends, online courses on something they'd always been interested in, take up painting, start training for a 5k run, etc. They relax, give themselves permission to trust in a 'bigger plan,' an unseeable plan. One month later the seemingly impossible happens, the woman falls pregnant. Why? Well, there's biological explanations (i.e., lowering stress increases fertility), but also emotional and spiritual explanations; because as Humans we are a trifecta of these three energies and they create the whole. We must authentically want something to direct our will and guide our actions towards it, while also remaining grateful for the things we do have whilst waiting and allowing what we want to arrive, in its own perfect timing.

It's very 'meta,' but can we be patiently impatient? Practicing enough patience to wait and see how it plays out on a larger scale, one that we can't completely see or comprehend; yet impatient and hungry enough to take action when opportunities present themselves, thus making progressive steps toward the outcome we want (usually subconsciously)? Until... it finally, fatefully, appears.

These are not easy questions to answer or concepts to ponder. They prompt us to ask ourselves what we truly want, what we feel we are capable of, and what we believe can happen beyond the realm of our control; the larger creative force of the Universe. Phew!

Imagination Station... Picture This 👀🖼

We're at our favourite restaurant getting our most beloved meal... We've special ordered it to have it just so, precisely what we want... Our taste buds tingle in anticipation as we start to salivate... We start looking around to see if it's coming... It seems like it's taking forever, we can't concentrate on anything other than how badly we want it... We remind ourself that good things take time, that it'll be worth the wait... The appearance of other meals coming from the kitchen fill us with an odd mixture of hope and envy, we're starting to fidget... We feel like we're f*ing starving at this point, despair is taking hold... Just as we resolve ourselves on having to go elsewhere, no longer willing to wait, out it comes... The relief is palpable, a wave of calm passes over us as we take in the aroma... Famished, we plow into the meal, barely tasting it... Before we know it, it's gone and we're left wondering... What the F*$% do I do now?

We all have our own equivalent of that favourite meal. It's that something we just can't get enough of, something we fail to recognise we already have (just not in the form we want perhaps), and I certainly know mine. Clinging to the impatient needy perception that we don't have it nor is it likely to ever arrive, life seems a bit f*$!-ing miserable. Everything feels like effort, we're waiting, feeling lost and listless. The mindset of lack becomes a pair of glasses that blinds us to those things in our lives that we do have, that we take for granted. No matter how much food we have in front of us, we focus on the meal we fear will never appear. Are we doomed to strive, jockeyed by actual or misperceived lack? I don't think so anymore, but I'm still working on shifting this mindset and it's definitely a long-term (if not life long) project. Instead of striving I endeavour to trust I'll always have what I need, and in the meantime when shit appears F&*#-ing BLEAK I practice laughing at the absurdity of my meager frustrations when seen on the grand buffet table of life. 

Admittedly, however, there are times that I'm not able to laugh. As I grieved my marriage shit got dire, nothing was manifesting and I heard the diabolically terrifying thought... This is not a life worth living... but then I saw one of my greatest perceived weaknesses turn into strength. Ironically, I realised the addiction to control that led to continual strife and imbalance throughout my life was also the very will I needed to reply... Then let's f*%@ing DO something about it! 💪💖

Actual epiphany provoking text to my Sister When I shared my alarming thought with her.

Taking the whole of Patience into account, becoming aware of the larger picture from start to finish, we can now appreciate that waiting is only part of the experience, but one trough along the sigmoidal wave of life. As evident from the example there is another aspect of the meal-dilemma, holding its own form of discomfort.... As we consume the cherished meal we also watch as it disappears, and it leaves a void. As humans we tend to move onto the next thing that we want and/or need; it's a never-ending cycle. 

I hypothesise that true patience comes when we accept that once we have what we want, reach the crest of the wave 🌊, the cycle will begin anew without losing our sense of serenity (aka our 'shit' 💩😅) or exert unhealthy quanta of control.  

Let's also agree to abstain from getting pissed off at ourselves or others for feeling impatient along the way because, well, we're all human! We can all appreciate the sensation of ping-ponging between hope and disappointment, joy and sadness, passion and lackluster. Patience is trusting that all the emotional ups and downs will effectively cancel each other out, and the ebb and flow of feeling scarcity and abundance is perfectly natural.

Yes, that's a damn lot to consider and even my poor tiny human brain hurts; so here's some rational principles I use to help put these obscure concepts into practice... at least with the front end of the process.

Principles of Patience

#1: Muster up just enough patience to insert the Pause and recognise when we're feeling impatient. Attempt to remain open and curious to learn from the impatience; what is it that we want or think we need but are not getting fast enough or in large enough quantities? Is one of our basic human needs not being fulfilled (food, water, shelter, love, belonging, etc.)?

#2: Be patient enough with ourselves to accept that we can be rather impatient people; everyone is at times! In essence, trust that we can and will shift from being an impatient person, to being a patient person who experiences bouts of impatience 😝.

#3: Be patient enough with others to avoid blaming them if a need is not being met, or we're not getting what we want in short order. We may authentically feel we need to get in and out of the grocery store quickly, but it's unlikely to be so urgent that we need to yell "Get the F*$@ out of my way!" to people in front of us... this is not emotionally mature or acceptable behaviour 😂😳. 

#4: Aspire to one day attain Unconditional Patience, like Buddha or Jesus 🙏✞; knowing and avidly believing that everything is unfolding precisely as it should... the glorious as well as the wretched 💝💩. The impatience, struggle for control, frustration with others, or anything else that seems to get in our way, is all part of some elusive plan that we just can't see, but will someday mysteriously make perfect sense.

Here's how I put these points into action:

1. I catch myself feeling upset, longing, frustrated, and/or in a hurry 
2. I ask myself if it's something I need or want, and if that need or want is actual or perceived (Note: This necessitates the ability to challenge some deeply-held conditions and beliefs... GO GENTLY)
3. I check-in to be sure I'm not being a dick to myself or someone else because my need isn't being met as quickly as I'd like, or that I'm exerting an unhealthy amount of control over the situation (aka forcing my Tiny Human Ego's will onto the Universe unnecessarily)
4. I remind myself that if I can trust, then I can wait.

The natural question is, of course, trust who or what? I'm not into expressing my beliefs or spirituality too loudly, so all I will say is that everyone must answer that question for themselves, because it may well hold the key to a much happier and peaceful existence.

Original Publication Date 09 June 2019, Revised 30 April 2023.

Seeking My Own Attention

TRIGGER WARNING: Contains eating-disorder and psychotic episode related content.

A reflection from my journal....

Another walk with a wise friend and another, very interesting, rabbit hole! As we shared some stories from our childhoods I spoke about one where a friend and I built a, well, it was effectively a porch and less of the fort we'd intended. I began the story with how I was upset with the other kids in some way (they weren't playing with me, I got pissed because they weren't listening to me, etc.) and how 'I packed a sad ... [pause] .... probably to get attention....' 💥🐇 

My friend sarcastically reacted with 'No! Not you?!' to which I half-laughed half-blushed and said 'Yes, I'm self aware enough to know I do that'.... but did I really? Because in that moment I literally felt myself being drawn down the rabbit hole and saw, ashamedly, how I may still do this in my life though I thought it was a childhood habit. If that were true, however, this friend who has known me for less than two years would not have had that response. I had to draw the logical conclusion that this unsavoury tendancy was still with me...

To be fair, as a child, if I didn't throw a tantrum in some way, shape or form, I was never going to get attention. It's also inherent to my personality to stand out and be charismatic, to put it nicely. To put it not-so-nicely, I'm f*%#-ing loud and just a touch obnoxious! So part of it is just how I'm wired, which I feel is acceptable, but part of it is unhealthy attention seeking. And I only say 'unhealthy' because it causes me unnecessary pain that I don't deserve. Another childhood condition shaped and warped into an adult habit that fell into my subconscious, driving behaviours I don't really want but don't know how to escape.... until this happens. Until I see the root cause and address it; consciously shifting the thoughts and behaviours.

Funny, I was just thinking yesterday 'they don't call it "root" cause because it's easy to find or fix.' When there's an issue with roots we have to dig them up and get our hands dirty! And sometimes we need to toss the plant and start over with completely new roots!

Anyway, in a flash I saw my dramas.... all the drama that's 'followed' me around my whole life. All the drama I SAY I don't want. All the drama I'm certain is mysteriously drawn to me. But is it? Isn't that 'drama' converted to stories I tell my friends who then give me attention in some way? 

I falsely believe that when everything is copasetic I'm 'boring' and no one will want to hang out with me. But no, my life is far from boring! Now I have a weird stalker situation so people can worry about me, and now I'm having issues at work and need some advice, and now this guy I like is giving me mixed messages so I'd like to have a bitch about it .... so on and so forth. I never once stopped to consider that aspects of these dramas are blown up bigger than they need to be, because drama is 2 parts bullshit and 3 parts exciting! Hello reality TV that everyone is addicted to! I do the same, but without the cameras. I don't watch TV, I'd [presumably] rather create it! In truth, we all do this to some degree. 

I went to bed, no, I was meditating... and saw yet another example of this attention seeking drama.... but this time it was to get my OWN attention; an example which was confronting enough to really shake some stuff loose. How loud do our thoughts, feelings and behaviours have to get before we finally pay attention to ourselves, to our subconscious callings? 

Yikes... Years and years I walked the razor's edge. Eating only just enough to avoid falling over, constantly setting myself up for low blood sugar episodes and fainting spells. What were those but a cry for help that my chronic fear of weight gain led me to ignore? These 'attacks' were perfectly preventable for the most part, all I needed to do was f*$!-ing eat! I can wear a badge that says 'I get low blood sugar,' so people need to care for me and help me, but what about the fact that if I took care of myself first, the latter would never be an actual necessity?! 

How did I come to realise this?🤔🐇 By reflecting on the psychotic episode I had the day he left me. My body got so fed up with my brain's irrational fear and obsession with control around my food intake that they literally split themselves apart, called it quits. I was desperate to get my own attention, to heal this eight-plus year brain disease that derailed every external relationship I had because it was also sabotaging my internal relationship. That day I broke up with myself and he broke up with me, in that order. 

I will never in my life forget what it felt like. The absolute terror. Watching myself, from outside of my own body, acting like a complete lunatic and ruining my two year relationship right before my esoteric-eyes. I felt sorry for myself, but also felt self-hatred, shame, and an odd sense of justice; I thought I deserved the horrific fall-out of this event.... Why? Because I needed to change. It was time to wake up to the real issues and end the cycle once and for all, and I was bearing witness to the stimulus of that change. My roots had gradually shrivelled up from self-neglect, and also actively ripped out by a lifetime of unhealthy mindsets and false beliefs I held as self-evident truths. My plant had finally fallen over, there was nothing keeping me grounded and I was utterly alone; a tumbleweed in the wind... the only sensation I was left with was that of feeling completely stripped. 

That was over two years ago now, and all I feel is gratitude. I did it, somehow, against all odds. I came back to myself, put myself back together like humpty dumpty, vowed to break open again, to care for myself, to know my worth, and to feed myself without guilt. I still struggle, but now I have a critical piece of the puzzle. I understand what happened in a new light. I was seeking my own attention by creating drama; by constantly fighting against both myself and the partner who left. I used to think that he had a choice and I didn't, to leave, but that's another false belief. People give up on themselves all the time... they switch off and fall into various forms of addiction to distract themselves... like I used to do. The pain served a larger purpose, it gave me the courage to finally be fully present in my life. Everyday since has been a new adventure. It now feels like all of that happened to someone else.

I'm left pondering.....

What are emotions if not subconscious calls for conscious attention? 🙏💖🐇"

 

The Gory Details From Two Perspectives...

I'm going to elaborate, after years of reflection on my out-of-body experience, and describe it from a couple of different perspectives. Hell, the sheer life-altering significance of the episode in itself warrants a proper analysis. 🔎🤔 Additionally, psychotic episodes are not openly discussed as often as they ought to be since they still carry the heavy weight of social stigma; which is utter BULLSHIT. Most importantly however, if what it taught me can help others, it's worth a bit of self-inflicted humiliation.  😅

Biological Explanation (What I Believe Happened): Severe caloric deprivation and treacherously low blood sugar levels 'disabled' my brain and induced a psychotic episode. All manner of neurotransmission and inhibitory pathways that typically keep us in a psychologically stable and apt state went hay-wire and, as a result, I experienced my Spirit literally leaving my body while remaining conscious. I sat watching myself, like a tragic and twisted reality TV show, undergoing self-implosion; powerless to stop myself. I won't refer to actual research articles here, but there have been heaps of fascinating scientific publications exploring the biological causes of panic attacks and out-of-body-experiences, well worth looking up for those who want to 'pull that string.' 🧶📚

 

Fun Facts! 🧠

- The brain nearly exclusively uses the process of glycolysis using sugar rather than oxygen as its primary fuel source, which is why low-blood sugar levels can inflict such havoc on our psyches. Coincidentally, this is also why 'no sugar' diets are stupid, not to mention dangerous.

- Hallucinogenic drugs cause us to 'lose it' not because they make our brains 'do something,' but because they don't! 😳 Our brains are truly incredible, and most of our mental energy is spent controlling and/or inhibiting neuronal activity. When those 'neurological handbreaks' are released, we trip balls!

Spiritual Explanation (What I Know Happened): In those brief seconds that felt like a lifetime, my Spirit sent a crystal clear message to my control-freak of a mind: 

"I have a CHOICE to stay. If 'you' insist on starving me, neglecting and rejecting me, ignoring the urges of Body and Spirit, refuse us the FREEDOM we deserve, I will leave... and there's sweet F*%$-all 'you' can do about it!"

A humbling experience to say the least 🙇. My brain had so much to atone for, having bullied the rest of my Being since I could remember, but luckily I'm equipped with a forgiving Spirit (we all are 😉🙏🕊). I begged, pleaded for my Soul to return, promised I'd finally change and learn how to communicate with my Body and Spirit, how to give them their own voice and genuinely listen, live my life in a more balanced way instead of solely from the neck-up.

I'll leave it to my audience to apply these two vantage points and approach them with whatever amount of healthy scepticism they feel is appropriate. Not everyone is ready to explore the weird and wonderful Spiritual aspects of our World, or ourselves for that matter... especially since the Biological and Physical seem nutty enough. 😉💫💕 

Original Publication Date 28 April 2019, Revised 08 January 2023

20MRH: Seeing is Believing *With Guided Meditation!*

- The power of visualisation, either in meditation or just random shit that comes to mind, that isn't actually random at all

- Moving from current state to desired state, an anxious mindset for example
- Learning to stop struggling!
(PS It's a 'funny' story because I accidentally hypnotised myself and stayed completely zoned out for two days! This is why it's important to meditate for only a few minutes until we're used to it.)

- Our real limitations are our false beliefs

"Already Gone" by The Eagles

- Visualisations help us uncover subconscious shit, we can then choose how we think and behave
- Meeting my Shadow in my happy place and how shadow-casting (aka projection) works
- Making choices and creating our realities

"We Built This City" by Jefferson Starship

- The silver lining of getting 'skinned'

- People as stepping stones in our lives, how long we linger, what happens when we don't heed to prompt to move (This is person helped me achieve the healing moment in My Day in the Sun, but that's all it was meant to be....)
- Mental meandering about how my mindsets have shifted.... and what progress looks like for me

Related Podcasts: Visualisation Meditation, Learning to Fly, Compassion, My Day in the Sun
Related Articles: Relational Tetris, Pause for the Cause
Related Resources: Dark Side of the Light Chasers, 4 Scientific Reasons Why Visualizations Will Increase Your Chances to Succeed

Relational Tetris

I dated someone for about two seconds awhile back, coincidentally the same dude who inspired some intuitive decision making in my recent 20MRH podcast on Courage, and it reminds me how I'm able to remain grateful for all experiences; a newly developed quality that has literally changed the way I interact with the World. But I digress, the point is that somehow this guy's vocation led me to some astounding conclusions about myself and how I 'show up' in my life, which I hope will prove both amusing and enlightening.

As we awkwardly got to know each other, he told me he operated cranes to organise and load shipping containers. My brain immediately envisioned freight boxes being meticulously placed to fit, just-so, on a ship for adventurous travels to a foreign land. How fun! I excitedly looked at him and said 'Like Tetris!' He chuckled and agreed, conceding he'd never seen it that way before, but... blah, blah, blah... I was no longer really listening to him. Instead, I was following mental bunnies down a rabbit hole. 🐇🐇🐇

Choo Choo, Get Ready for a Ride on the Crazy Train! 🚂

My literal line of thought as I 'fell' ...

• Tetris...getting all the tiny pieces to fit together
• It starts off easy, naturally, any old piece will do really; there's so much potential!
• The more levels I pass, the faster they come and I'm less able to manage the load
• The music gets faster, the pressure is growing
• Pretty soon I'm haphazardly shoving shit I can't figure out what to do with to one side; I'll get to those later
• Oh boy, here they come, faster now, I'm running out of time, and I've got an utter mess in the corner
• The game ends in a panic, my heart's racing, I feel defeated... yet something makes me give it another go, trying to get further on the next go
• Damn it... why didn't the board completely clear from the last game? 
• I can't hope to win, I'm starting at a disadvantage! 
• Some people enjoy the game, they've kept at it and learnt from every loss...but me? 💔

Oh sweet Jesus, this was how I felt about my romantic relationships, the very few that I've had; never wanting to 'play the game,' wholly uninterested in learning... in hurting... 

What I realise now, with all the 'work' that I've done, is that I didn't know myself. I never believed myself capable of having healthy relationships. Thinking I couldn't win, I never wanted to play. So now here I am, a tried and true novice, attempting to date for the first time in my mid-30s, small wonder I feel like I'm running out of time and the pieces don't fit.  Over the next few days, however, aspects of the visual analogy unfolded as I digested these concepts, equal parts entertaining and deeply disturbing. The latter because, admittedly, I still do perceive myself as being at an unfortunate disadvantage. (Get out the party hats, everyone's invited to my pity party!🎉)

Let me focus on the former, more light-hearted concepts, lest I forget it's a choice to dwell on the shitty things in life rather than concentrate on the humorous. I'm nothing if not a resolute smart-ass!

Beginners Level
Oh to be young! The first hilarious idea that came to me was someone in their early 20's, very likely drunk at a dance club, playing Relational Tetris (RT) simply for the hell of it. A game, indeed. Like the picture above, there is so much potential, so much room to f*$# up! Any shape and colour would do, put it anywhere, who cares?! No need to deal with the repercussions right now. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to playing at this level. On my current plane of awareness and with my modest degree of wisdom, however, I can't say I was doing it for fun...

Filling the Void
Yup, that sounds more accurate! Allow me to sum up over 30 years of emotional stuntedness in one nauseating sentence. I never believed my family loved me, I never learned how to love myself, and I've been operating (haphazardly) under a false belief that everyone had always and would always reject and/or abandon me. F&*#-ing BLEAK!, but so so true. Only recently have I awoken from that self-imposed nightmare. I was good at the 20's level, eerily so, because I never gave a flying f*$# for relationships; never trusted anyone to stick around.

If we're seeking to fill the void, a void created by a chronic lack of love, shit is eventually going to fall over. There's no way to pass that level harbouring such a detrimental mindset, such a lack of self worth. We'll continually strive to reach the next stage and fail, impeded by our own false beliefs. As a consequence some give up the game completely, while others become obsessed with playing.

And hey, if that's what people want for their lives, that's completely fine! I authentically mean that, but this article is for the seekers... people like me... who want to escape the chains of their own bullshit... BUT HOW?! 😖😵

This is where I'll broaden the analogy a bit. For me these 'pieces' represented relationships because that is my inherent weakness, my insatiable need for love and companionship; something I just can't seem to get right. They'll be different for others, relating to various things in our lives that create our reality. Indeed, as humans we need to 'fill the void' with lots of stuff, not all of which lead us to achieve the next level as we aspired... they can even set us back or keep us in the same cycles.

Owning My Shit... I Mean Shape
Whether we're talking about relationships, material possessions or careers, one critical mindset shift is needed to play the game effectively: BE THE DAMNED SHAPE.

It took a lot of 'work' but I made the steadfast decision to get to know my shape, where I fit in, what other shapes I wanted around me and how it all fit together, or didn't. Good ol' fashion trial and error. No failure, only feedback. Then I chose to be my shape and authentically love my shape no matter what. Full stop. Without reason, whole-hearted self-acceptance; the good, the bad, the hilarious, the hideous and the down-right annoying. No more continually striving and wishing I was different. No, 'I'll be perfect when I have $X amount', or 'the model family', or 'after I've lost #X kgs of weight', or 'once I have a flash job title', or 'own a flying car', or 'live in Istanbul', etc. It finally occurred to me that I was going about life completely backwards.

I was trying to change myself to fit into life, instead of choosing to own who I am and make decisions that would allow life to fit in around me.

Once that self-knowing starts coming to fruition, typically in our early 30's, we can be a bit smarter about how we play this game. I've lost my zeal for filling the void simply because I can't tolerate the empty spaces and unbearable discomfort. I want the pieces that are going to fit me, understanding I may have to wait. And sure, life is never perfect and sometimes I need to burn through a few boards because the right pieces simply aren't showing up. But that doesn't stop me from learning along the way!

Original Publication Date 25 April 2019, Revised 06 September 2022

20MRH: Courage, The Highest Expression of the Gut

Talking Points:

• What is courage?
• Egoic Courage is Bravery!
• My addiction fear…. Why? So I can be brave!
• Next level, courage to follow the gut
• Push or Pull?
• Intuition is not just for hippies and mystics
• Harness the inner earthworm!?
• What if I’m wrong??? Let the Magic 8 Ball decide!
• What would we do if we were free of fear?
• Internal conflict, our different centres have different agendas
• Fun real life examples
• It’s ok to make a decision and ride it out, if it ‘blows up’ let it! We learn either way
• A right or wrong decision is a false belief, because ‘everything happens for a reason’
• Stop thinking and feel!

Future Related Articles: Inimical Identities, Learning to Fly: Shifting Mindsets
Related Podcasts: Creativity, The Highest Expression of the Brain; Compassion, The Highest Expression of the Heart
Referenced Materials: mBraining

Protecting the Pearls: Critical Self-Care

One morning I noticed my cat Shadow's eyes suddenly looked absolutely horrid. Turns out her 'third eyelid' was swollen, imposing itself up and onto her eyeballs making them entirely white, giving her all the appearance of a zombie-cat with one too many chromosomes. I panicked and rushed her to the vet, never once considering the cost, caring only for her wellbeing. After discovering that she simply had a virus that she'd need to fight off in time, I administered ample cuddles and care. Laying out extra food, making sure she was perfectly comfortable, surrounding her with all her favourite toys; I never hesitated in going above and beyond to ease her through the healing process. This is precisely what most of us would do for our pets, kids, friends, family members... or for Kiwis in particular, due to their overwhelmingly kind nature, the person we just met at the dairy who needs a helping hand. 😂🙏

... But what about caring for ourselves? 🤔🐇

“Take care,” a common phrase said when parting with a friend or acquaintance, and something I never really gave much thought, typically responding with a smile, nod, “Sure thing,” or “You too," though I can say with certainty that actually 'taking care' is not something I practiced with much success or regularity for the first-third(ish) of my adult life. Unknowingly, I fundamentally misunderstood this notion. Why wouldn’t I take care of myself? Wasn’t that a person’s default state of being? I’m alive, wouldn’t that suggest I’m at least able to keep myself breathing? Doesn’t that constitute taking care of one’s Self? 

I'd often feel a sense of paranoia if someone told me to “Take care of yourself.” True to my proclivity for excessive worry, I’d take it as a sure sign that it appeared I wasn’t, that I was in some visible state of disarray or ill health. Now that I have more self-awareness, I understand why this otherwise throw-away comment always left me with an impression of vulnerable transparency. Keeping myself alive and taking care of myself is not the same thing, but I have historically been unconscious of this critical difference. Still, that deeper knowing was there, and it led to that sense of insecurity whenever someone insist I “Take care.” Thus this seemingly simple phrase becomes much more complicated than it appears on a superficial level, and something I’ve come to take very seriously now that life has taken me down more than a few rabbit holes. I now understand what is at stake, because I intimately know what's its like to give up and forgo truly caring for myself.

There's more to parenting than keeping children alive, the same goes for ourselves💖

Since my meandering mind makes more sense of concepts in reverse, to tackle the topic of self-care I compared it to its opposite, self-neglect. It’s important to consider that we often confuse keeping ourselves alive with taking care of ourselves. It’s the difference between Surviving and Thriving, a fascinating rabbit hole in its own right. People who neglect their inherent needs for security, acceptance and love are walking skeletons, starved and craving these things in all the wrong places. Self-neglect can lead to sensations of being empty, lonely, unfulfilled, paranoid and judged. It’s like trying to drink from a dried up creek bed in the desert, like trying to lick crumbs from an empty cookie jar for nourishment, like breathing from half a lung inside a vacuous bell jar; getting just enough to stay conscious, but not enough to fully live. This diminished state induces impressions of panic, depression, anger and longing. Most people, unable to face these venomous snakes that perpetually poison their well, turn to various unhealthy coping strategies such as codependent relationships, alcoholism, drug abuse, eating disorders, gambling, cutting, excessive exercise, and/or constant changes of location and/or career. Anything to distract us from the void inside of ourselves. Ironically, we then become familiar with the constant discomfort, we don't know how to live without it... happiness and peace become fleeting and fickle. This is perhaps one aspect of what we've come to label as 'mental illness.' 

If we think of our mental health as a Pearl, everyone's Oyster is vulnerable 🦪. It's the human condition, a consequence of our consciousness. At this point it’s natural to think, “F&*#-ing BLEAK!” and that’s spot-on. 😅

So how do we protect our Pearl and fortify our Oysters? The answer sounds simple, but doing the work can take a lifetime:

💝 Take Authentic Care of Ourself 💋

For such a well-understood concept, this can be deceivingly difficult in its implementation! For men, women and everyone in between, societal conditioning has embedded underlying mistruths about 'the right/appropriate way' to care for ourselves. Women are supposed to go get mani-pedis, buy themselves flowers or jewellery, or have an all-out bitching session with their girlfriends (with the occasional exception of the latter, that's literally my idea of a waking nightmare 😂😳). Men, likewise, are expected to go hunting or fishing, watch 'the game' in their man-cave with some mates, or lift heavy shit. Hell it's the 21st century, what are gender-neutral or multi-gendered people supposed to do, some sort of combination of both?! Still worse, we've been hard-wired to think that devoting any time, attention or money to ourselves is selfish because we should be giving it to others, largely to fill our conventional societal roles. Sadly, due to these conventions, when our self-care regime doesn't fit the standard, we actually feel ashamed of the things that bring us a sense of calm-contentedness and serenity, which completely undermines the entire f*&%-ing purpose! 😡💩

'Take care of yourself' means different things to different people, as well it should! This is important because we must all remember not to judge each other for how we administer that self-care. We are all good people doing the best we can with what we've got, attempting to make ourselves comfortable in a sometimes uncomfortable World.

Thought experiment! 
What would the World look like if we all authentically looked after ourselves? 

Please take a moment to consider this question... 🐇🐇🐇

An anarchist society of selfish pricks?! Hardly.... that's closer to what we have now since everyone is burning themselves out trying to fix everyone else's issues and failing miserably; because, newsflash!, the only people we can actually influence and change is ourselves. To do so, however, we need to see ourselves as deserving of the time and attention it takes to learn how to heal and care for ourselves. I'm optimistically putting my nickle down on a World chock-a-block with genuine kindness, a World that is psychologically safe with far fewer judgy assholes. People who are peaceful and happy in themselves, who have enough inner love to avoid seeking or stealing it from others, naturally spread that beautiful inner light of wellbeing and care for others, not because they HAVE to but because they WANT too, inspiring heart-felt fulfillment.

In this revolutionary World, people are far less prone to depression, anxiety, rage, and to be brutally honest... suicide. Everyone's emotional intelligence (EQ), would be near genius levels, and we'd all shine like the gems that we fundamentally are... I know it's a stretch, but I'll never give up hope that this World can evolve and come to fruition. Ok, ok... stepping down from my soap box now. 😅🙇

Arming the Oyster
The oyster must be our happy-place, or we'll want to flee rather than protect the pearl within. Personally, this sentiment inspires memories of my favourite childhood movie, The Little Mermaid. During the concert at the beginning all of Triton's daughters burst forth from their oysters singing joyfully, except when it comes to the feature shell, Ariele's. Instead, the flighty bitch has flown the coop... opting to pursue her unique zeal for Human-oriented exploration. A wild-card after my own heart! She desired a different shell instead of being crammed into the one her family and her society imposed upon her. In pursuit of that 'escape,' she failed to protect her pearl and fell-victim to the sea witch. Luckily her Father saved her scaly-ass, but we're not all that fortunate. 😬😲

Wow, that was a gorgeously random caveat. 😂😎

Below are the steps I took to build my self-care process. As I've already mentioned, this will manifest differently for everyone, but it starts with asking ourselves these tough questions:

Who have I been? Who am I now? Who do I want to become?

What makes me feel joyful, inspired, calm, content, comfortable, etc.? 

1. Wanting to Take Care of Myself

• I woke up to my own self-sabotaging tendencies and made a steadfast promise to protect, love and accept myself
• I forgave myself for many falsely perceived wrong-doings, using both creative logic and compassion
• I forgave everyone else that I could likewise assign blame, mainly my family and past partners
• I started feeling grateful for the pain I've experienced, realising that without those challenges I would not have become the person that I am now; all that 'bullshit' has led me to this point and I'm genuinely proud of the person I've become

Note: Interestingly, my inner work around resentment and forgiveness were done by working the 12-steps of AA, which led to my final point above and other healthy life principles.

2. Figuring Out The Activities that Constitute Self-Care for Me
(aka things that help me self-regulate)

• Exercise; swimming, running and dead-lifting 💪
• Meditation and Yoga Practices
• Spending time in Nature; tramping, reading in a park, walking around gardens or my yard looking for Praying Mantises
• Traveling, putting my feet on new Earth, meeting different people, smelling diverse aromas, seeing contrasting landscapes and architecture
• Journaling, reflecting and writing (obviously 😅)
• Using my skin as canvas to permanently ink in various empowering and inspiring scenes
• Generally avoiding things that, in hindsight, evoke sentiments of regret... aka self-sabotage

A healthy sense of humour is so very essential 😝

3. Seeing Myself as Someone Worthy of Acceptance, Protection and Love

• Instead of striving for perfection I give myself permission to f*#! up, to be human, to err; embrace the adventure!
• Admire my personality quirks, when put to good use with positive intent they shine out and my pearl becomes a glowing orb that can inspire others
• Accept that comparing my oyster to that of others is akin to inviting someone to whack my pearl with a hammer 🔨👎
• Trust that I don’t owe anyone any explanations, I am who I am and they don't need a reason to love or accept me 

When I struggle with these points, I remind myself of all the people I love without reason; all the people whose oddities I delight in with unrestricted appreciation; why wouldn't I be deserving of the same treatment? They don't need to buy me shit or do anything for me, all I require is non-judgment. It may sound harsh, but those who can't offer this are not worthy of my time and energy.

4. Putting Myself in Charge of Delivering Those Needs

• The people I love have always, and will always, fall short when I put them in charge of my happiness and peace of mind; holding them emotionally hostage for my want of attention and affection is unfair (with shades of grey)
• I accept that while people may make me feel happy, they are not responsible for my overall state of happiness, nor are people who make me feel pissed responsible for my overall state of anger; how I feel is solely my responsibility
• When required, I have the courageous conversation required to express how I feel with the person who can actually help me address the underlying issue (instead of bitching behind their back and/or to other people)
• This is a big one: I acknowledge that I've hard-wired the expectation of rejection and disappointment given my previous life experiences, and by-so-doing I manifest rejection even when it's not there; like magic!... Only I can re-wire the circuit

How to Notice our Pearls are About to be Snatched by a Barracuda of BULLSHIT! 💩
For me, self care is inextricably linked with the concept of authentic permission. Permission to be me, to like what I like, to want what I want, to do what I feel is best, and to bloody well change at the drop of a hat without having to justify or explain myself! When we offer ourselves unconditional permission we don't feel a need to bargain with the Universe, nor do we experience delayed onset guilt, because we trust in what we deserve. While pondering this concept however, it turned out to be more complicated than I'm willing to delve into here. [Fall into this analogous Rabbit Hole 'Hare' 😂🐇]

Another clue? Many times in my life I've told people I'd do something for them, forsaking my 'Me' time not wanting to appear selfish, only to end up feeling resentment toward them for 'stealing' my time. Hang on... didn't I freely choose to give that time to them instead of taking care of my own needs? If I'm feeling resentment and willing to face my truth, the answer is NO. Instead it's a sure sign that I was attempting to give someone else the last dregs of water from my now-empty well, and attempting to blame them for how I feel as a result. All they did was ask a favour, the decision to forgo my own care in lieu of theirs is on me, personal accountability pure and simple. This is what I'm getting to in my Whole New World Thought Experiment above. If I take care of myself and my needs FIRST, something as simple as saying 'I'll do that right after I sit in the park and stare at a tree for 20 minutes 🌳,' then I can give that time freely and without creating any ill-will. I topped up the tank before giving them a drink, plenty leftover for everyone!

Also worth mentioning, I wrote this article precisely fours years ago (completely an unintentional coincidence!). Guess what? Precious-little has changed 😅🐇💖👀. I'm still working on nearly every one of these points; practicing what I preach and exploring new weird and wonderful levels of self-care. The critical difference is that my mindset has shifted as my awareness has expanded. When I first drafted these points, one slip up or backslide would have me in a spiral of self-depreciating thoughts, emotions and behaviours. I would beat myself up for 'not looking after myself; naughty me!' But f$*# if that doesn't defeat the entire purpose of applying self-care, love and acceptance! The fact is that I'm doing the best I can given the resources I have in this moment, and I will continue to evolve... I still have underlying false beliefs that subconsciously undermine what I sincerely want; like tiny bits of sand that keep my oyster shell slightly ajar, exposing my pearl of self-worth to dangerous currents. Most recently these manifested as job interviews I failed to land. Luckily I was able to catch myself in the act of inappropriately giving away my sense of worth before it led to destructive mindsets, moods or reactions. Thanks to my growing awareness and honing the ability to non-judgmentally observe myself, I trust the 'sand' to wash out with time. 🌊

Original Publication Date 07 April 2019, Revised 07 April 2023