Esoteric Hypothesis: If we were assholes more, than we'd be Assholes less.
Firstly, I've googled, ironical is in fact a word... 🤓
I've mentioned my zeal for ecstatic Irony many times in many articles, and will continue to do so since the biggest mind-blowing 'mother-of-all-ironies' I've yet to articulate in writing, but for now please bear-with as we explore the logic underlying this particularly delightful rabbit hole. 🐇🐇
My theory relies on the premise that if we can learn to OWN our inner 'Asshole,' our 'shadow' self, our 'dark' self, our 'worst' self, our 'lower' self, or however we like to identify/name that part of our psyche that thinks, emotes and acts in not-so-kind ways and is indeed quite a little prick, then allowing ourselves to be assholes when it's appropriate we'd counter-intuitively be less 'Asshole-ly' in our day-to-day lives. And yes, the 'when it's appropriate' barometer will require some trial and error to fine tune. At the very least we need to understand it's a grey area where the spectral centre point will differ from person to person. For example, I continually need to pause to consider whether it's best to 'ease-up because we're all human and life ain't easy for anyone' vs. 'let 'em have it you magnificent velvet sledgehammer because they need a friggin' wake up call!' 🖁😅
The mega-Asshole comes out when we continually ignore or completely suppress the smaller, gentler, less terrifying asshole who arrives whenever someone or something has tread upon one of our values, beliefs or boundaries. Instead of honouring that knowing and speaking our truth, we tell ourselves 'No! Go Away! I can't be an asshole right now because...'
- People won't like me...
- I'll upset or hurt someone...
- I'll get in trouble or there will be negative consequences...
- I'm afraid of conflict...
- [Insert any number of other reasons we suppress our wriggly little anger snakes 🐍👿]
We deny ourselves the right to be a bit of an asshole to make our boundaries visible to others, to protect our values and beliefs or trust our intuitive senses. Over time, once we've done this enough the assholes build up, form an army of ferocity, become the Asshole. Then, at the worst or perhaps most inopportune time, KAPLOW, out the Asshole pops like an over-wound Jack-in-the-Box to inspire fear in the hearts of the poor SOB on the recieving end... to surprise and shock us all, including ourselves! 💣😨
Embarrassment and shame often ensue as a result of these explosions, damage control and apologies are required, which unfortunately only serves to reinforce the
false beliefs that we must dampen or hide our assholes. This is how the cycle perpetuates itself, and will continue to do so until we
consciously intervene by working out when and where it's appropriate to be an asshole, and the
volume to which we should allow the asshole to speak up. 🗣
I'd argue allowing ourselves to be assholes for the right reasons (ethically and morally), at the
right time, and to the
right people, are all critical elements of establishing self
worth and maintaining self
care to keep our psyche whole, healthy and well balanced. The crux is that we rarely
trust ourselves to know when it's the right time and place, we err on the side of caution, may feel the urge but ignore it for too long and miss the opportunity or chicken out, afraid to ruffle feathers. 🐔
I certainly don't have anyone else's solution to this dilemma, toeing and experimenting with that line is an important and profoundly personal part of the
self-discovery process. But as I've practised myself and figured out 'Yes, that was ok... uncomfortable, but ok,' or 'Whoops! that was a bit too much...quick, dial back, dial back!', neither scenario is as bad as either blasting someone with 2-years of suppressed grievances or maiming our internal relationship by failing to express our feelings . Still more sad is the loss of relationships with others over time... relationships that could have been
preserved or even strengthened with some difficult yet honest feedback facilitated by our inner asshole. 💔
So no, I don't have any hard-and-fast solution to offer, but I can lay forth some of the complex elements at play to consider, followed by an example of this theory in action in my own life for context and amusement. 😅
- The Situation: I tend to assume positive intent and try not to feel threatened by the opinions of others, but damn is it hard sometimes! First gauge the black, white and grey areas of the situation and ask for others perspectives and any clarifications first. If we're still pissed, show some passion and voice some truth. 🧨🔥
- The People Involved: Is it worth spending the mental and emotional energy? Will it build or protect an important relationship? If not, it may be best to vent to a trusted friend or family member about the situation and see how we feel afterward. If there's still a bee in our bonnet, proceed will showing the person a bit of the asshole. 😉😎
- The Timing: Is it safe for the asshole to engage right away or do we perhaps need to wait to have a private word? Are emotions running high? If so, best to calm down first but do take note of the specifics of the situation as these will be important later, and help give our assholes credibility.
- Our Ability to LISTEN: Beware of confirmation bias and other subconscious biases that may result in us hearing what we want to hear instead of actually listening. It's only fair that we listen to understand the other people's perspective. That's what we would expect! ⚖
- Our Mental and Emotional State: Are we well and feeling like our normal resilient selves or has something else knocked us off our typical balance-point like lack of sleep or failing to do that day's Wordle? Stress will shift our energy into a higher state where our inner Asshole is much easier to provoke, and we'd do well to take a look at those elements before engaging. Abide by the 3 Assholes Rule: If we come across 3 or more assholes in a day, we are the Asshole... Cool it. ❅💩❄🐇
In order to maintain professionalism I won't give the particulars of my example, when I let my Asshole flag fly; but to summarise someone I'm in a program with insinuated they don't see caring for people at work as their priority. Or at least that was my perception/interpretation of what they were saying. I didn't go off the handle straight away, especially since I was meant to only be an observer of the conversation, but it became increasingly clear to me that my perception couldn't be too far off the mark, the exact words being "I don't come to work to make friends..." 😠 The mere thought of this leader holding such an outdated ideal when I firmly believe caring for people will drive productivity and undefinable value in our business left my inner asshole jumping up and down like someone trying to set a new world record in Skip Rope. After careful consideration of the potential impacts of doing so I unleashed, allowed my asshole to speak her truth... After causing a rather awkward moment in the conversation I decided it was best that I step away from the meeting to calm myself, fearing that if I didn't my Asshole would emerge. Thanks to the others on the call the damage control was minimal, I offered apologies for interrupting the conversation and becoming reactive (but NOT for expressing my leadership values). 🏆
I consider this an apt example because the ratio between asshole and
Asshole was about 86:14, the boundary wasn't clear and hardly ever is. Was this the right thing for me to do? For me yes, because my value in caring for people as their manager outweighs any guilt I felt at having a go at this person. I have no
regret for saying what I said, giving my asshole permission to let everyone know how much I believe in role-modeling authentic leadership. Personally, that's my temperature gauge. If I can look myself in the mirror and
honestly say '
I have no apology to offer,' if that's how I truly feel deep down in my
heart and gut, then I'm good to go! Potential tears by either party be damned, sometimes we have harsh truths to deliver. 🏃
[👀Ahem, and sometimes we need to receive
harsh truths ourselves... 👂👈]
The asshole is typically manageable for all parties involved on both sides of the situation, and there is rarely a major impact on relationships with a solid foundation of trust. In fact, down-shifting into asshole-mode, showing that we care enough to be honest and lean into an otherwise uncomfortable conversation to seek understanding, builds far more relationships than it erodes. The Asshole, however, creates havoc, sometimes damaging others as well as Self if guilt and regret well-up. In this way our asshole becomes an important archetype and identity, a strength not a weakness or something to fear. When we tactfully deploy the asshole, we speak our truth and display vulnerability rather than deny that voice and ignore our moral compass. Hopefully then, we can become more compassionate to others when we're on the recieving end of their asshole, offer them the grace of human understanding and relate to how they must be feeling, instead of feeling pissy and defensive. 💞🐇
Lastly, it's important to remember, re-iterate and internally re-enforce that
other people's reactions and emotions are not our responsibility. And to be fair, on the flip-side,
our reactions and emotions belong to us and us alone, but from time to time we need the other's perspective and support in elucidating the nature of our triggers. Again, assuming positive intent can cut out a lot of the noise in that regard. Consider the factors, play with the boundaries, experiment, protect self worth and honour values... but also don't be an
Asshole because of carrying around
unhealed trauma, ineffectual
blame, or a
victim mindset wherein chronic self-disempowerment and sabotage keeps the asshole bound and gagged; because saying nothing can also be a sneaky form of Asshole-ish manipulation. 😳
ISN'T IRONY GREAT?! 🐇😂😵🐇
Here's a couple of fun sub-ironies to contemplate for added fun...
- The people who have the honour of meeting our Asshole are rarely responsible for creating all the little assholes that caused the backlog, which is a bit unjust. We CHOOSE to suppress them, the backlog belongs to us (which is why I began this article with the word OWN). 👀
- Some are likely thinking: 'But Summer, who are you addressing here?! There's soooo many people, particularly on social media, who unleash their inner assholes all over the place like explosive diarrhea when they'd do well to shut the f*#$ up because the beliefs and values they're 'protecting' are literally insane! (i.e. radicals defending sociologically harmful ideals, anti-abortionists physically harming women making the right choice for their own bodies, people screaming at the TV when one of the contestants on Bake Off fails to turn their oven on, etc.) Let me be explicit in stating: This article is not for those people, they have grossly over-corrected in extremely dyfunctional ways and they need serious psychological help. All that to introduce this cardinal irony... Only people who worry about and fear giving their asshole a voice would benefit from doing precisely that... Why? because the fact that they're afraid to over-step the boundary and potentially hurt others is a significant indication that their moral compass is intact and pointed in the right direction. That same fear, however, will also slowly erode their innate sense of power, self esteem and trust in themselves; it is for those people I write these words... Screw those crazy Assholes who get emphatically irrate for highly illogical reasons, they hold no such fear and they authentically see nothing disproportionate with their incessant over-reactivity. Best to write them off since engaging only allows them to fling more shit. They're clearly off their rocker. 🪑💩😇
Original Publication Date 08 October 2023
