Fathom 49: Intensely Intentional

 

👾🐇🔗Key Points, Time Stamps & Relevant Links Follow Each Part🔗🐇🤖

🤓Top 5 Takeaways😎

1. Intention Drives behaviour
2. Ahimsa (non-harm) is my guiding principle
3. Practice non-harm toward Self first
4. Treat others with empathy, curiosity, and positive intent
5. Progress comes from continual realignment, not perfection

🤔Main Message🤯

May I use my Intensity, passion, thoughts, words, and Actions to create as little harm as possible — to myself, to others, and to the Universe — and continually realign with that intention whenever I drift. 🙏💖💯

Part 1: Intentionally Intentional

0:05 – 2:10 | The Catalyst

• Story about a new neighbor describing Summer as:
  • "Intense, but good, I think."
• Reflection on personal intensity, 'Tism, and authenticity.
• Key Insight:
  • Use intensity for good, never for harm.

---

2:10 – 6:45 | Why Intention Matters

• I've experienced a deepening in this realm from my Previous Musings.
• Everyone drifts from their Values under stress, fear, or uncertainty; becomes an Asshole at times.
• Life is nuanced and messy, Prickly; good intentions don't always produce ideal outcomes.
• Intention provides groundedness to:
  • Purpose
  • Direction (Moral Compass)
  • Course Correction
  • Behavioural Accountability
• Growth comes through compassionate realignment, not perfection.

---

6:45 – 8:10 | Introduction to Ahimsa

• Adoption of Ahimsa as a life-guiding intention.
• Ahimsa = Non-harm / Non-violence
• Applies to:
  • Thoughts
  • Emotions
  • Words
  • Behaviors
  • Actions
• Extends to:
  • Self
  • Others
  • The Universe

---

8:10 – 12:00 | Origins of the Commitment

• Personal turning point following a Major Breakup. and Yoga Psychology.
• Vow to stop contributing negativity to the World.
• Connection between:
  • Intention
  • Karma
  • Personal Responsibility
• Recognition that negativity often creates more suffering (Self & Others).

Part 2: Ahimsa Towards Self

0:40 – 1:05 | Self Comes First

• Cannot sustainably care for others without first caring for Self.
• Self-compassion creates abundance rather than depletion.

---

1:05 – 2:20 | Mental Non-Harm

• Practice of "Mindful Anarchy."
• Challenge:
  • Self-Doubt
  • Perfectionism
  • Harsh Self-Criticism
• Consciously reject harmful thoughts.

Key idea:

• Notice the thought.
• Don't Adopt the Thought.

---

2:20 – 3:20 | Emotional Non-Harm

• Move away from Shame and self-rejection.
• Practice repeated Self-Acceptance.
• Approach growth with patience and compassion.

---

3:20 – 4:25 | Physical Non-Harm

• Focus on balanced wellness.
• Avoid extremes:
  • Under-eating
  • Over-eating
  • Over-exercising
  • Under-exercising
• Pursue Healthy Discipline that's well Balanced.

---

Part 2: Ahimsa Towards Others

4:25 – 5:15 | Empathy and Non-Harm

• Extend non-harm toward others.
• Accept that we cannot Control how others think or feel.

---

5:15 – 6:10 | Clear Intent Matters

• When harm occurs:
  • Clarify intent.
  • Communicate openly.
• Take responsibility for our actions.
• Do not take responsibility for others' Perceptions.

---

6:10 – 7:00 | Assume Positive Intent

• Give people the benefit of the doubt.
• Avoid assigning malicious motives.

---

7:00 – 8:00 | Kindness and Curiosity

• Offer Support rather than judgment.
• Recognise that negativity often reflects pain.
• Stay curious about others' motivations.
• Create space for people to be human.

Part 3: Ahimsa Towards Universe

0:04 – 1:00 | The Driver Analogy

• Intention is the Driver steering the "Chariot of life."
• Intention shapes decisions, relationships, and behaviour.

---

1:00 – 3:20 | Karma and Responsibility

• Belief in karma and reincarnation.
• Understanding:
  • We are not the judge.
  • We are not the scorekeeper.
• Again, focus on personal responsibility rather than judging others.

---

2:10 – 3:20 | Leave No Harm Behind

• Life aspiration:
  • Leave as little negative impact as possible.
• Goal is not reward.
• Goal is minimizing harm.

Key quote:

"I just don't want to leave any negative impact behind."

---

3:20 – 4:00 | Environmental Stewardship

• Reduce single-use plastics.
• Lower personal carbon footprint.
• Non-harm includes care for the environment.

---

4:00 – 6:30 | Everyday Ethical Choices

• Personal example of resisting unethical behavior.
• Values and karmic accountability guide decisions.
• Ethics become a daily practice rather than a rule.

---

6:30 – 7:40 | The Complete Ahimsa Framework

• Ahimsa applies at three levels:
  1. Self
  2. Others
  3. Universe

---

7:40 – 9:35 | Compassion for People and Self

• Offer:
  • Kindness
  • Encouragement
  • Support
  • Generous curiosity
• Assume positive intent in others and Self.
• Even Worrisome thoughts often originate from a desire to keep us safe.

---

9:35 – 10:15 | Use Our Powers for Good

• Channel passion, intensity, and energy constructively.
• Align actions with values.
• Re-align whenever necessary, as many times as needed, and always with Compassion.

---

10:15 – 10:39 | Progress Over Perfection

• Nobody is perfect.
• Perfection is not required.
• Consistent Course Correction is success.

---

Summer's Summary: Pause for the Cause

 

Link to Original Article: Pause for the Cause

Part 1: Main Points

[Genuine note of apology for the poor video quality 🤦]

• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) Basics... Think-Feel-Do... With narratives, conditioned, false and/or limiting beliefs woven in between 💩
• The brain's bias towards action is actually RE-ACTION, insanity 😅
• Examples of fleeting shifts into PRO-ACTION using the PAUSE... Never easy, but always worth it! 💯

Part 2: Reflections on Reflecting

• An effortful pause for the 'cause' (of preserving my sanity), now a much-loved daily reflection practice (through healthy discipline) 🙏
• How rubbish in our brains drive behaviours... seemingly against our will; sensed as 'not ourselves' / out of control feelings 👿
• The power & JOY of self acceptance, how easy it becomes by surrounding ourselves with the right people 💝
• The many forms of PAUSING, the repercussions of failing to create that space (for me/from my perspective)👌

Part 3: What Pausing Looks Like Now

• Coming to understand the current form of impulse control required, and how I use a PAUSE to achieve it (sometimes) 🙊
• Using a PAUSE to understand & prevent forms of unhealthy distress avoidance, reassurance seeking and 'checking' 🙉
• Ethical maturity literally requires building self awareness of inner narratives, bias & assumptions, all of which require a PAUSE to see these blind spots 🙈
• PAUSING is difficult because it requires overriding our natural evolution! Our prefrontal cortex and ability to prevent insanity gets easier with practice, keep at it! 🌈

Ethereal Equation

I don't have much to say about this really, it's more about questions to ponder while digesting a seemingly uncomplicated equation. Nothing could be further from the truth however, because there are innumerable brain-busting layers to these three simple variables. For many, this effective equation is an awareness-expanding game-changer, creating rabbit hole upon rabbit hole; try not to get lost. Here we go! 🐇🕳🔦🤪

Firstly, time to get honest, we all know it's a bold-faced lie when I state 'I don't have much to say', I have plenty to say... always.  But, I'm super conscious of my Intention to softly plant seeds of awareness-raising concepts instead of pounding them down people's throats. So here's one of my first meager attempts. To set some boundaries and give myself a fighting chance, I'll attempt to mostly leave it to the questions at the end and largely let the memes do 'the talking.' There are a couple of key  themes we would do well to scrutinise first, however, to fully benefit from this psychological statement. 😅🤷✨

Mindset and Attitude are CRITICAL 🙏💞
Our reactions are inseparable from our mindset. If we believe the event has happened TO US, adopting a victim mindset, then the reaction and subsequent outcome will be vastly different than if we were to view the event as happening FOR US, seen from a growth mindset. An attitude of gratitude and willingness to learn from the event, whether we perceive it as 'good' or 'bad,' will heavily influence how we react (hell, we may choose not to react at all 🤔). 

Note: There is no victim-blaming here, no judgment, no 'right' or 'wrong'... Everyone deserves the autonomy of their responses (after all, we're each good people doing our best with what we've got), but we must also hold responsibility for the outcome(s) either way. 

Growth mindsets, gratitude, wisdom, EQ and self awareness all take time and practice to cultivate, which is why it's unsurprising that our go-to knee-jerk reactions are driven from our limbic system, based in survival, threat and fear instigated responses. We will seek to regain power and control, fight for our ingrained values, and put ourselves in a 'winning' position before we even realise what we're doing. Shit, I don't know about others, but I'll be damned if this type of response hasn't absolutely screwed me in the past. 👀👎😅

We so quickly become invested in the outcome that serves US best, gives US the most power and control, having things 'our way,' that we forget to ask others what they think, collaborating on what the outcome should be to benefit all the people impacted by the event. I can't think of a single example where asking others for their opinion hurt the outcome, but I can think of heaps of times that my decision turned out to be hilariously short-sighted. As a result, damage-control became necessary. Again, a slice of humble pie anyone? 🥧🤤😳

Shifting from our innate, anxiety-prone, threat-based and close-minded point of view to a wiser, prosocial, open-minded position, requires time! ⏰ In the short-term we need at least 15-30 seconds for the adrenaline to wear off, and in the long-term years to systematically re-wire those rapid-fire reactionary circuits to make better, BALANCED, decisions. Acknowledging that the more sustainable latter process indeed takes considerable time and inner work, I welcome everyone to do what I do in the meantime... rejoice in the hilarity of our tiny human egos, throwing adult temper tantrums when an event crops up that displeases us. We all regress and throw our toys when we feel hard-done by life's challenges, and though it may not be funny in real time, it's damn-sure amusing retrospectively. 👶🧸🤣🙄

[Shit, ok... that was a bit of a Sledgehammer-rant. I'll do better with the next point.]

Sleep On It 😴🛌
The equal sign is our signal to PAUSE. The length of the pause will be proportional to the quality of our response and thus the outcome. This is also needed to take stock of, and/or adjust our mindset... or chuckle at our own whimsy. 😉💩

[Nailed it! 🔨👍]

Questions to Consider

• What is the best long-term outcome? 
• Am I being, or will I perceived to be, an A-sshole or a balanced, emotionally intelligent person with integrity?
• What would I want to happen if there were no restraints or barriers in the way?
• Will I be PROUD of my response and the outcome in hindsight?
• What are the potential unintended consequences my response?
• Am I being authentic, and following my wise moral compass and displaying kindness / empathy / compassion, or am I lashing out because I feel hurt / disempowered / out of control / fearful / anxious?
• Will I be building TRUST and creating a safe environment for others by withholding judgment, or am I making false assumptions, listening to my brain's questionable narratives, and potentially damaging my relationships and/or reputation?
• Am I re-acting and making the issue worse, or pro-acting and leading myself and others towards an optimal solution?
• Am I likely to experience sensations of guilt or regret?
• If I make a dog's breakfast of the situation, am I willing to reflect and learn from the outcome so I can adjust my mindset/moral compass for future events?

Lastly, I'll just leave this gently here... 🙏💖😅

Original Publication Date 07 July 2024

Fundamental Feedback

I returned home from a business trip once to find my car parked in a different spot. Drawing the logical conclusion that my neighbour (who’s land my car and caravan/house is parked upon) must have moved it to mow the lawns. Since they were outside setting fence posts at that time, I sauntered over for a yarn and asked them how they liked driving my new wheels… a newly minted and very sexy Mitsubishi Eclipse Cross PHEV named ‘Phe’ (short for Phoenix) in diamond red. Unexpectedly the response to my benign query was a string of curses, and I laughed heartily listening to the frustrated tale that eventually emerged through the profanities... colourfully describing their attempt to move 'the damned thing' since the electric engine is completely silent and they couldn’t tell if it was on or not. 😂👂👎😂

I've loved few things as much as I love Phe... 💖

The giggling continued as I hopped into my beautiful Phe-Phe to move her back into her normal plug in posi on the other side of the caravan, named ‘Nix’ in case anyone is curious (yes, also short for Phoenix... I love a theme 🐦). I got the immediate and distinct ‘sense’ that she had certainly not been started up, moved, and/or re-parked in anything resembling the correct sequence. And full disclosure, by ‘sense’ I mean Phe ‘told’ me in a very playful and comical way because, I am not now, nor have I ever been, normal… Cars have always ‘talked’ to me; a fact I KNOW but am otherwise unable to convince my logically skeptical brain to believe (...elucidated a bit further below 👌). There was objective evidence accompanying this sense as well, the brake pedal was harder than normal to depress and the steering wheel was locked… Still chuckling, I delighted in my neighbour’s frustration and pondered, in my esoteric way, why had they gotten so riled up? 🐇🤔

The next morning on the row machine it came to me, as so many epiphanies do… FEEDBACK! My neighbour is a professional agriculture machinery engineer, literally traveling the World to design, create and drive heavy ag equipment, it naturally follows that... 

1. They’re used to loud diesel motors that immediately give them direct feedback that they are running and ready to go. 
2. They’re extremely adept at fixing complex motor issues, and this lack of feedback must have provoked the pain of ineptitude… without the sound of an engine, they were now in unchartered territories, having to learn something new on the fly.

No Noise/Sound = No Feedback = Confusion, Frustration and Other Icky Emotions

In a flash this seemingly trivial occurence reaffirmed what has been true during my own adventure, as well as being a main topic of conversations in my role as a leadership development coach and high performance facilitator… feedback is essential to build awarness and steer improvement(s), and it comes in many forms from blatantly obvious to extremely sneaky and subtle (i.e. diesel motor versus electric motor).

The rhythmic rowing guided my introspective reflections on how my version of the electric motor issue manifests in my life, and it didn’t take long for the answer to arrive… online facilitation! When I coach and/or facilitate workshops in person I’m damn-near unshakable, I can deal with all manner of weird and wonderful disturbances… late or absent participants (both physically and mentally), tech issues, extremely unexpected or challenging shifts in the conversation, or disruptive behaviours; I’m a confident verbal and non-verbal communicator. I pride myself on my adaptability and the ease with which I can seamlessly and inconspicuously course correct. Yet that tenacity flies out the virtual window as soon as I switch over to an online format. Since we learn by reflecting and not by doing, the reason underpinning this discrepancy elucidated me until I considered my neighbours conundrum and compared it to my own… I, like my neighbour, wasn’t getting the FEEDBACK I was used to receiving from a room full of warm bodies... feedback I required to feel fully competent and resilient. 💡💥

As someone who identifies as an Empath, I’m alive with the vibes in the room and getting constant verbal and non-verbal feedback; a shift, a sigh, eyes narrowed in concentration, a cheeky smile, nods, a lean in with mouth agape cuing me that someone has something to say, or a slouch down in avoidance… it’s all happening simultaneously and its all feedback, I just ‘read’ it faster than my conscious mind can process so I hadn’t been perceiving it that way. Compare that to the virtual vacuum of online calls and I’m literally flying blind. To compensate and get the feedback I need I have to focus on each video individually instead of reading the entire room at once, I must ask more questions to draw out verbal feedback that I would typically get without words, and listen carefully for their tone as well. It’s maddening, and it takes a lot more energy. My capacity to handle setbacks is of course eroded, I literally have less energy to spend troubleshooting and it takes longer to do so... Maddening I say! 

A Note About Whimsical Non-Auditory Bio-Feedback
For those who are uncomfortable with the spiritual aspects of the noun Empath, know that one half of my brain empathises (hehe! 😅)… My scientific and naturally skeptical brain hemisphere spent much of my youth demanding the opposite hemisphere experiencing the emotions of others was downright crazy. This was one of the main contributors to my constant anxiety. There’s nothing like a ceaseless internal battle between cognitive hemispheres to drive inner turmoil and self doubt! 💩😳

The good news for all of us is that there is a perfectly rational explanation! As humans I think we often forget that WE ARE ANIMALS, and the science is clear… animals communicate non-verbally. Whether it’s a dog partaking in a nose-to-bum ‘meet and greet,’ an army of ants following that curiously straight-lined pheromone-guided path home, the mischievous look a cat dons right before it pushes something off a countertop, or two Homo habilis having a perfectly loving and functional relationship without the perceived ‘benefits’ of language; we communicate non-verbally far more than we do verbally. The difference is that instead of relying on words, we ‘hear’ with our eyes, our nose, our touch and even through all manner of crazy ass receptors covering our body that detect shit we can’t see... Hell, the sun doesn't need to scream 'GOOD MORNING' for us to wake at dawn as photons begin to tickle our eyelids (at least that's what would happen if we didn't elect to have our phones bellow ringtones at us 🔊). 

So, am I 'hearing' my car bad-mouth my neighbour, ‘feeling’ someone else’s emotions, and 'reading' someone's energy through an enigmatic spiritual magic? Or am I downloading my car's objective data faster than my brain can comprehend, and detecting some sort of invisible chemical emitted by a person's body and combining that with their posture and breathing rate? I have no clue… but remaining OPEN to all possibilities is how I keep my hemispheres balanced and maintain the peace between all my intelligence centres.

What feedback is someone or something trying to give you?

What ‘noisy’ feedback might you need to give when your ‘silent’ feedback isn’t working?

What is the difference between being an Empath, versus someone experiencing Empathy, versus someone who DISPLAYS Empathy (but may not actually feel it)?

Original Publication Date 12 November 2023

Wonderful Whimsy

What to do when I’m keen to write something, anything really, to cultivate and reinforce my habit of creative expression through writing and sate my passion for drip-feeding inane introspective perspectives to my wee beloved audience [sometimes just me 🙋‍♀️], but grossly underestimate the amount of time I realistically need to publish a new fully fleshed out article? I indulge in whimsy! Go down a rabbit hole that seemingly sprang out of nowhere, and what's more whimsical than that?!🐇📚

I have sooo many compositions in my Heart and Head, a backlog I lovingly and longingly refer to as 'the graveyard' that's accumulated over the last 6-7 years. I always start my weekend thinking… ‘Yes, this is the weekend to finally get to [INSERT TITLE], I can certainly smash that out in one weekend!’... then I realise these works take time and effort, and that I have the attention span of a butterfly on LSD, and I’m also prone to distracting myself with menial tasks instead of down-shifting into my creative space… Why one may ask? It’s either my brain trying to conserve the energy it takes me to create because that type of thinking doesn’t come naturally to me (i.e. What Agatha refers to as ‘laziness’ in her quote), or I’m a self-sabotaging masochist… it’s quite difficult to tell which at times; I reckon the ratio changes on any given weekend and that ratio is also impacted with how much cheesecake I’ve over-indulged in, which in turn effects my energy levels… Ah, we’re such complex animals us humans! 😅🤷‍♀️

All that to say my innovative solution to this existential conundrum today is succumbing to whimsy, a decidedly odd memory that randomly sprang to the forefront of my mind the other day that made me giggle. I love the friggin' word whimsy, just look at it, it's adorable! 😇🥰 Also, as my readers may well guess... no word in any of my posts is chosen lightly, each one is deliberate. Just read the definition... Not only is 'Wonderful Whimsy' delightfully alliterative, but good-god if this isn't a bit of me! Small suprise that curiousity got the better of me and my fingers started tapping out something completely unexpected and not at all what I had intended to write! 😅🐇🙏💖🎯

... a the definition for Capricious, because I honestly didn't know what that meant... 👀👈

The nature of  this particular 'Whim' originated from a sparked memory. 💥🧠 Being the Halloween-Spooky time of the year, the Unexpected Elements podcast I frequent mentioned Cryptids, and hinted that they may well have found their origins in passive aggressive parenting deterrent tactics to keep their kids well-away from unsafe practices... 

Suddenly there I was... about 11 years old... hoofing it along a long stretch of the country road I grew up on, Dog Hill Road, walking the two miles to my friends’ house. Just before climbing the final hill to my bestie's place I traverse a very flat stretch of land flanked by marshy wetlands. I quicken my pace as my heart begins to pound and I feel afraid… hoping like hell to avoid the swamp monster my Mother insisted inhabited this area… a swamp monster who nabbed little girls stupid enough to strike out on their own. 😉

As an adult hard on the heels on my fourth decade I pause now to consider why I took the chance despite that fear. I was quite gullible and I do remember thinking there was an appreciable chance this monster would indeed abduct me, yet I was quite determined nonetheless… Here’s what immediately comes to mind without over-analysing it...

• I was quite the little dissident, I didn’t like being told where and where-not to go 🖕
• I was at least 36% certain the swamp monster wasn’t an actual threat... I realise it sounds horrible, but thanks to my childhood obesity I always felt a bit protected from being an easy target (something I confrontingly discerned much later... like last year... lay at the root cause of said girth)  😳
• Mostly, and perhaps most importantly, I wanted to see my friend and spend time with her despite the risk… otherwise I’d be on my own all day long 👭💞

Now I realise what this seemingly inconsequential anecdote tells me about my inner values, and they’re true to form to this very day. I take risks to protect my sense of independence and prioritise my relationships. As a classically trained scientist, I also value data and each time I took that risk and walked that stretch of road without being sucked into the swamp by an elusive beast, I had more evidence that the risk wasn’t real... Holy shit, until I wrote that I didn't fully realise that my admiration for experimentation and the accumulation of resulting data manifested so young, possibly foretelling future career choices. 🤓🧪

What profound insights are your stories and prevailing memories telling you? 🐇💡

Original Publication Date 05 November 2023

The Blame Game

Sure, we've all done it... blamed the cat or dog when it was actually us who let one rip. My favourite fart related blame-shift was onto my heavily pregnant Sister, who was so shocked when I loudly damned her for her flatulence in front of a crowd that she couldn't even defend herself against the accusation 😂💖💩. Blame shifting is extremely common in our society, at times small and rather insignificant like lassie's wind-breaking, and at times so momentous it can shatter our relationships. Let's be honest, we've all copped heat for something we didn't 'really' do; I commonly do this when I know I'm right but I'm either too tired to explain myself and simply don't care enough to defend myself (wisdom is often compared to knowing when to choose our battles!). Conversely, we've all blamed others for something that didn't necessarily have anything to do with them, not literally, like the person who 'made us' ass-pack the car in front of us because they texted us and we looked down at our phone for too long 💥📱😖. 

Blame is something that has continually kept my discerning analytical mind deep in consideration, and I now feel ready to put forth a couple of radical ideas to explore, along with all their weird and wonderful nuances 🐇:

1. Blame-shifting is fundamentally disempowering, if not cowardly
2. Victim-blaming is falsely assuming people put themselves in situations to be intentionally victimised (This point becomes especially bizarre when we add in a dash of self-blame, my personal specialty which I'll elaborate on later 😅)
3. A cornerstone of enlightenment... deep, meaningful and balanced wisdom, includes realising that blame, in general, is F&*#-ing BULLSHIT! 🐃💩

That's right, I'm proposing that blaming others for something that's happened, big or small, not only takes power away from us but is also a unique flavour of logical fallacy once we're able to look beyond our own conditioning enough to see this. We are all choosers, deciders, and play at least some small part of everything that happens in our lives and the lives of others. The right choice for me today may well be the wrong choice for me tomorrow, or the wrong choice for someone else entirely. That choice may then lead others to blame me for it's impact on their life, something I may have been able to anticipate yet decided to do anyway or couldn't have anticipated in my wildest dreams... but it doesn't make either one of us right OR wrong. 🐇💣

The Blame Conundrum, An Anecdote

Alex goes to the grocery store in need of milk. While at the store it gets robbed. The robber yelled at Alex to 'get on the f*@$ing ground,' and in haste Alex's untied shoelaces caused Alex to trip and inadvertently launch the purchased milk at the robber. This startled the already antsy robber and as a result the trigger was pulled and Alex was shot. Alex didn't die, but was left with a hideous facial defect from the gunshot wound. Unable to accept his appalling new facial feature, believing it would prevent a future with meaningful relationships, authentic love or a family, Alex suicided one year later.

Phew, that's some heavy shit! But more to the point, we can analyse this narrative to dissect the various ways one can assign blame. SPOILER ALERT! It's based on our personal assumptions, which themselves are an eclectic amalgamation of our life's experiences, cultural, societal and familial influences, not to mention the expression of our DNA (aka Nurture and Nature).

Who is to Blame for Alex's demise? 🤔

- Alex himself for choosing that precise time to go get milk, for failing to tie up his laces, or committing the act of suicide?

- The untied laces or perhaps the milk for causing the confusion and resulting chaos?

- The other person in the shop who failed to stop the robber when they had the chance?

- The robber, who pulled the trigger causing Alex's strife?

- The people on Tinder who couldn't bring themselves to 'swipe right' due to Alex's superficial deformity?

- A mix of some or all of these things?

Other Provocative Questions to Ponder....

• Who would Alex blame if we had a Ouija board and could ask?
• Who would their friends and family blame?
• What if "It is what it is," as they say; and no-one or no-thing was to blame, it just happened? A Universal lesson for everyone involved... sent to teach them whatever it was they were meant to learn from that traumatic experience?

Answering these questions can give us powerful insights into ourselves and how we view and process blame. What follows are my own epiphanies around the ethos of blame, in particular, blame-shifting as a consequence of obsessive control and chronic victim-blaming. Both were extremely gnarly observations, distrubing glimpses into my subconscious that I had to learn to admit, own and process so that I could transform my thinking into a more Balanced and healthy mindset. 🙏 ⚖

Blame and Control

Full disclosure, people who blame others for their tragic circumstances or 'bad luck' used to completely f*%#-ing disgust me (and still do if I don't catch my judgy-ass in the act! 😅😳😬). Like come on, own your shit! Take responsibility for the part we play in every situation, be courageous! But some situations in life have made me re-evaluate my stance on blame, and question why I felt so appalled when people threw up their hands, surrendered control and pointed the finger of blame at someone (like their family) or something (like a medical or psychological label). I've since learned that balance between personal culpability and a healthy sense of victimhood is required; and boy, is that ever a fine f*$^ing line! 

How do I know this? Well, true to my tendency as someone who finds the act of 'polking my brain and tiny human Ego with sharp pointy sticks' in the form of profound self reflection a sort of masochistic artform, one day I confrontingly discovered that to gain power and control in my life, I literally blamed myself for EVERYTHING! Yikes 😲. It occurred to me that I avoid being a victim for the same reason others seek out that state (or so I assume... which is nearly certain to be wrong 😂). While some are keen to forfeit their culpability and control in a situation, I fight to retain it. So much so, that I will actively find a way to blame myself for whatever part I played, even if I was completely innocent. 

Upon exhaustive analysis, I found my brain had been following this enigmatic logic... If I am the cause of the issue, then I can also find the solution and manipulate the outcome. Put another way, if I'm to blame then I'm in control. And if I'm in control I can relax, because I'll find a way to fix it, to make things right. 

I'm not sure when this hard-wiring came into effect but it undoubtedly had a lot to do with my childhood, being a very common trait amongst other 'adult children of alcoholics.' I resented some of the decisions that were made by my care-givers but I had no control over what ultimately happened, so I over-corrected by becoming obsessed with control in my adult life. Indeed, both past and present indications to my addiction to control are well documented, if not embarrassing... perhaps slightly amusing?

I fully appreciate that what I just wrote could be interpreted as 'oh, she blames her family/upbringing for her control issues... hypocrite!' and guess what, in part, that is correct. I used to blame, and it was not only unfounded but toxic, destroying my familial relationships for a time. Challenging that old blame-assigning mindset led me to the thesis of this very article, allowed me to feel compassion for my family and have empathy for the difficulties they were up-against, forgive and let go. 

Victim Blaming... Even When We Are The Victims 

If the revelation above was confronting, this one might be described as distressing. 😳

Wanting to do something good for my community, I signed up to volunteer for Victim Support. During the three-day intensive training, they gave us a scenario... one that ended up rocking me to my core. The activity was, on its surface, quite simple... discuss 'who was to blame' for a women's death. Forgive me, I can't recall the exact story, but this women had essentially been cheating on her husband and was killed by a mugger or some-such while she was out on one of her trysts. I reached the, to me, obvious conclusion that the women herself was the blame. Damn straight too, the naughty girl! Shitty decisions lead to shitty outcomes... too bad, sooo sad. Yikes 😲

Let's just say that when the 'answer' was revealed by the trainers, I was more than a bit embarrassed by my sentiments and this naturally kicked my ass down the 'blame' rabbit hole. 🐇

Hold up! Why the f*$# did I assume this chick deserved what she got?! Interestingly there were a couple of others in the group that thought this way as well (not that that lets me off the hook), but most intuitively knew that blaming the women was wrong, no matter what she had done to be in that situation. After all, maybe she was cheating because she's in an unhealthy or unhappy marriage, who knows? The point is that I told myself a very judgment-laden story about this women so fast I wasn't even aware of it! And that story painted her with a rather unsavoury brush without considering any alternative circumstances, reasons or intentions.

So why.... why did I do that? Well, it took me months to dig deep and work it out, but the answer was rather F&*#-ing BLEAK to be perfectly honest and a great example of how this healing adventure works... not fun, but it certainly helped me understand myself and my base-assumptions better, enabling me to make the required improvements. 🐇😳

I've been a victim as a child (described here, third bullet point), but I didn't fully remember or realise what had happened until my mid-thirties; the brain is 'funny' that way with trauma. In fact, if memory serves, I only genuinely admitted to myself that it had happened because of my response to this training exercise... after my honest self examination, clearly I had issues in the victim department. My response was not wholly healthy. Intuitively I knew I needed to re-wire some old circuitry. 

I couldn't fully understand that I wasn't to blame until that fateful admission. Worth compassion 💖, the only logical conclusion that my four-year old brain could reach was that I must have done something wrong to deserve what happened. So I carried that hard-wired, firmly-held, warped belief with me through life; sometimes to my benefit and sometimes to my detriment. I couldn't dispute it, heal it, or shift it until I first dug it out of my subconscious and became aware of it. By fighting against owning my inner victimised child I manifested this tendency to victim-blame. Because, again, if I was to blame then I was in control, regaining the power I'd lost. In denying myself the right to be a victim, I also denied myself the chance to process and heal from the trauma. 

Right... who needs some self-care while they recover a bit... ✋💫😅🙋

If Thou Shalt Blame, Thou Shalt REFLECT

Since we're all good people, doing the best we can with the resources available to us at the time, then who gets slapped with the blame-label when shit hits the fan? Who's right? Who's wrong? Who gets to make that decision? What's fair? 

The whole point is that blame is not as straight-forward as everyone would like to believe. As we become more aware we start to see the immense world of grey that lies between the black and white concepts of 'Right' and 'Wrong.' It is blatantly unjust to blame someone's thoughts and emotions, and even actions, without first applying some discernment as to their intentions. Like it or not, they could have had a perfectly legitimate reason for doing what they did... or, they could just be an asshole. 😂😉😝🐇

True compassion is taking Stephen Covey's powerful quote into full consideration, forgetting our own cultural and personal narratives and seeing things from someone else's perspective, practicing empathy. It's so easy to blame when we cannot understand other people's motivations behind their actions, and blame allows us to cope with the fear that is created when we realise we have no control over the impact of other people's actions on us. There are mutliple things we can control, however... Our attitude, our boundaries, our bias, who and what we give our energy to, and our actions/reactions. 🙏💖🐇

Original Publication Date 10 April 2023