The Price For Freedom

Dedicated to my sister, my Heart, and published with her permission. 🙏💖🐇  

That song, that f*$#ing song you sent me… Good god damn did it tear a hole inside me, one I’ve covered up with various things for years beyond counting. I’ve forgotten why I left or I never knew to begin with; I really can’t say. I just knew my heart couldn’t heal and my Soul couldn’t be at peace in that place. I wasn’t strong enough to stay, and I’ve never understood how you could. I’ve gone back and forth so many times in my mind, now knowing if I felt you were courageous or cowardly, lazy or tenacious. I’ve never really understood you, just accepted that you are you and I am me, and we’re both shockingly similar yet fundamentally different all at the same time. Our stories riddled with irony.

Why does this song cause me such a torrent of tears? A full-on ugly cry? Admittedly, the first verse alone made me stop it the first time I tried to listen, but recognising there was an critical lesson to learn from the writhing emotions leaving me extremely unsettled during my morning cardio and yoga routine, I came home resolved to listen to the whole thing… Sweet Jesus.

I feel my tears come from a rather bleak realisation, my first glimpse embarrassingly, into how you might be feeling… waiting for me to come home and wondering why I left; and you’re one of the three epic loves of my life to experience the jagged edges of my flighty Gypsy Spirit... I'm sure he felt that way too over the last year. Leaving the door open, willing to accommodate my particular needs and personality nuances, just to spend even a moment with me. My god, I’ve never seen it that way before, and to think I might have caused you that delicate mixture of hope and pain is ripping me apart from every angle of my being. After everything that happened to us the last thing you deserved was to be left by another person in your life… yet you let me go without so much as a word. Selflessly, you only ever wanted me to be happy. Sadly, I mistook it for apathy.

You are and have always been the one person, the one detail of my life, I never wanted to leave behind, but selfishly I knew I had to… I could never thrive there; I felt a compulsion to fly away in pursuit of god-knows-what. I wasn’t strong enough to stay. You were the one true sacrifice I made. I’ve always been thankful that you granted my freedom with such grace, because you’re the only living person that holds that level of power over me. The only person I unconditionally trust.

I left for so many reasons, some conscious, the vast majority either subconscious or down-right unconscious. Hopping around at first, not too far from the nest, until I felt the very soil under my feet burning me alive every time I thought I’d found a safe place to land. At first I assumed you understood but actually wanted me around without wanting to hold me back, over time I somehow deluded myself into thinking you were better off… if I was around all the time than I’d just annoy you until you didn’t want me around anymore anyway. I thought the trips every few years would sustain us… It wasn’t until you gifted me that song that I truly started to understand your perspective and perplexity.

🎵🔊“Don’t you find it strange that you just went ahead and carried on?”🎵🔊

I’ve asked you that question in various ways over the years, but I can’t say I’ve ever comprehended your answers which largely centered around your stubbornness. I always suspected you weren’t telling me how you really felt. And now I don’t honestly know who was strong, you for staying or me for leaving… The truth, of course, is that we both are in our own ways.

Where some develop roots, for many complicated reasons most of which are beyond my human comprehension, I grew wings; I cherish and value freedom and flight… And this is the price I’ve paid in pain up until now, it’s left me homeless without a genuine sense of belonging. Free to be anyone and live anywhere, I relive identity crisis after identity crisis, fumbling. The freedom I cling to has become a barrier as so many options lay in front of me that I am paralysed by choice, not to mention the familiar sense of not knowing what I ultimately want to do with my life. I do not now, nor have I ever, had a clear vision of what I wanted. I’ve been a blackbird lost in a storm, enjoying transient moments of calmness within the eye before recklessly throwing myself into the wall to face the next challenge head-on. I did it to survive, to fight, to feel strong… now my muscles are so heavy I grow tired easily, still with nowhere to roost that feels right.

Symbolically I’ve always known this… nearly a decade ago I had the scene inked into my skin. You perched blissfully on your comfy branch back at home, stable and stoic… me up and flying off… it never occurred to me you’d ever felt like I left you behind; miss me. How could I ever expect you to understand what I didn’t understand myself? And, for all my brainy intellect, I remain woefully ignorant despite what feels like five lifetimes of lessons and jarring human experiences crammed into less than half a typical lifespan. Ironically, you are as strong if not stronger than me through staying… But then we always shared our delight in irony.

I left to heal, I left to discover myself, I left to find happiness, to ‘feel out’ where the hell I belonged… What I’ve discovered leaves me as confused as ever. Here I sit a million miles away from where started, yet somehow right back where I began. Lost and confused, not knowing where my home is… Yes my mind, heart and Soul have changed in many ways, yet I’m living this strange exquisite Universal irony of losing her all over again, just in a different form… supporting another person with her name, feeling that familiar grief. Suddenly I get it, she used to call me her heart, drunkenly slurred but purely authentic, I was her heart… just as I’m realising that you are mine, and my home is where my heart can be found whenever I sense it's lost.

All that said, I honestly have no regrets. I’m grateful for each and every lesson this lifetime has afforded me, thankful for the resilience I’ve cultivated, and profoundly humbled by all the connections I’ve made across this Earth. More and more of late, however, I feel that true thriving is not somewhere I have to try and find, it’s following my moral compass and trusting the rest to fall into place no matter how terrifying or uncomfortable. That compass has been recalibrated many times as I evolve, reshaping the scars of my past into new mindsets and ways of being, informed equally by my rational mind, compassionate heart and my gypsy Spirit.

This song wholeheartedly touches me because in it I hear you calling me home, for the first time, and it's agonising. Though I’m finally strong enough and there is no one on this Earth I’d rather grow old with ... still I cannot go back. I may not know where I belong, I only know that it is not there. The pain my heart suffers as I listen to this song, as I think of you, is the price I pay for freedom; something my Spirit demands. But yes, my heart will always pull me towards my home, towards you... inspiring the internal friction and the next storm brews. Another opportunity to gauge my compass. 🧭🐇

Perhaps I don’t belong there because I belong everywhere else, to continue my adventures and worldly connections with as many other human Souls as possible. Regardless, thank you for sending me this song, thank you for helping me understand my own heart on a deeper level; most importantly, thank you for wholly accepting all that I am and all that I am not, sacrificing your sisterly love so I am free to fulfill my purpose. 

Original Publication Date 12 May 2024

Secrets of a Samaritan

My Sunday started off like all others, a fortified coffee (Cappuccino sachet + a heap of extra instant 😳😵) and tarot reflection, then to the gym for my beloved cardio-yoga combo. Admittedly, my latest reading left me more than a bit existentially perplexed, prompting me to re-evaluate what 'lights my inner fire' since a turbulent couple of months had me dazed and confused. I've lost my way, my sense of purpose, and I'll be the first to own that BLEAK reality. Luckily the Universe was about to present me with a great 'opportunity' to take stock and re-assess who I am, who I was and who I want to become... with the added bonus of confronting a new 'secret' identity. 😅🐇👀

As I snaked my way to the gym on the other side of town I drove past what was unmistakably an inert body laying on the sidewalk, sprawled somewhat into the road. Instead of immediately stopping to investigate, I kept driving and listened to the torrent of thoughts running through my head at break-neck speed:

• Keep driving... What if they're dead? I don't need that trauma!
• I'm sure they'll be fine... It's not that chilly... Someone else will stop.
• OMG, turn around, help them!
• Leave them to it, I can't know what state they're in or what's led them there... it's none of my business.
• What if I do help and they come-to and attack me? What if they have a weapon?
• I don't know how long it'll take if I do try and help, what if I miss my cardio time?
• Are you F*$#ING SERIOUS?! TURN AROUND AND GO HELP... AT LEAST TRY!!

I felt an extremely unpleasant mixture of thoughts, some spoken from my self-serving Asshole of a tiny human ego, interested solely in preserving myself and my own agenda... A shadow-laden voice who doubted my own inner ability to cope with whatever trauma the situation might hurl my way, and also mistrusted the unpredictable inert body that lay on the ground. Countered by my higher Self, the one developed through continual shifts in my awareness and healing work, who screamed at me, begging me to care for this poor Soul in their time of need to make sure they weren't alone and abandoned. What if it was me who needed help, for a random stranger to care for me? How many other cars had already driven past, turned a blind eye? Was I really going to ignore what I'd seen and selfishly drive on, suppress my conscious?

No, not anymore. A younger version of myself would have kept driving... has done it before I'm ashamed to admit; greedily refusing to spend my time and energy on another person. I simply am not, and can no longer be, that person anymore... So I turned around. I pulled up, knelt next to the beautiful young woman who'd obviously had a big night, still clutching her vape. It was clear she was breathing and there was nothing concerning about its rate or rhythm so I relaxed and gently tried to rouse her. When these attempts failed however, I called 111 and hailed another passing car in case I needed extra help. Luckily they didn't have the moral struggle that I had since they stopped immediately. 😂💩🤦

While talking to the 111 operator and performing the checks and preventative positioning required to keep her safe, she woke. Understandably disoriented, I did my best to keep her calm and explain how I'd found her. When I explained the ambulance was on their way as a precaution she became agitated and anxious stating she could not afford the $150 fee, she also expressed embarrassment. I felt for her and insisted on paying the fee myself to try and calm her, then chuckled as I said 'Honey, we've all done shit like this at your age... and I admire your ability to have a sleep on pavement instead of driving,' while simultaneously visualising Summer Version 1.0 either driving blind-drunk and cackling through the streets of Denver, or wandering a curvy path home for miles determinedly treking my happy-ass home after failing to tell my friends I'd left the bar... I was rather infamous for both. 🤷😅

The ambulance officers quickly understood that she was ok and said she'd only be charged a fee if they took her home, so I asked her if she was comfortable with getting a ride home with me instead. She gratefully agreed and I carefully helped her into my car... Suddenly that little prick of a voice returned in my ear:

• Sure, she seems ok now, but what if she spazes out suddenly?!
• Is she being honest about where she lives? What if it's a trap!
• She might grab the wheel, threaten me, steal the car and/or hurt me...
  

I'll be damned if our heads aren't full of survival/threat-saturated BULLSHIT🐮... I get it, that selfish voice is trying to protect me, keep me alive and out of danger... but I'm not listening. This experience has helped me re-align my moral compass and who I funadmentally am now, closer to (but not yet) the person I want to become. Despite the risk, I will trust others and do what I can to serve them. To do that a sense of security and safety must live and thrive inside me. My moral compass will go skew-whiff otherwise, as it has done for the last couple of months... Survival mode took hold of me without me realising it. 👈😳

We spoke of many things on our way to her house, but the prevailing sentiment I'll treasure is knowing that the only thing that matters, now and always, in New Zealand and all across the World, is that we look after each other; care for one another. I felt no judgment towards her, did not wonder what decisions led her to that concrete bed, I was simply relieved that she was alive and could continue sharing her light with loved ones and grow into a healthy adult made wiser from lifes' experiences. She hesitated before getting out of the car, leaned over to hug me, and my heart filled with joy and gratitude. 

I've always assumed that I was too honest to be a kind person... perhaps I'm wrong, here is an opportunity for me to observe and disqualify that limiting belief. I listened to the right voice, I cared for her and preserving her life more than I worried for my own. What's more, I didn't know it was a sweet young woman on the pavement; I would have helped anyone, no matter what state they were in because that's who I want to be dammit. I thanked the Universe for this fateful reconnection with what drives me and 'lights my inner flame'... serving and empowering others. 💞🔥

This was a reminder that I can not do that unless I challenge my innate narcissistic demons and PAUSE long enough to realise the glorious IRONY at play; this life may seem superficially 'about me,' but its actually overwhelmingly, laughably, NOT ABOUT ME. My impact on this earth will be through others, and my ability to motivate them to reach their full potential via their own moral compass (instead of getting bogged down in the rat-race groundhog day of threat-based reactivity). I love, beyond reason, the weird and wonderful humans of this Earth (myself included 😂). My passion lies in expanding awareness of my own thoughts, feelings and bevhaviours so that I can role model and influence others in a meaningful empathy-based way, show them what hidden gems may be uncovered when we break free of our self-defeating cycles and know ourselves on deeper and deeper levels. Our greatest and most powerful choice perhaps, lies in deciding which inner voice to act upon. 💖🙏🐇

Right... there's my typical soap-box conclusion out of the way... 😂😅👌

Now for my secret, one my heart buried so deep it eluded me for fifteen blissfully-ignorant months. I suspect what happened with this girl unsurfaced a false assumption I've been making about someone else... my husband, actually... that it's 'easy' to do the right thing, and any resentments and/or disgust I held against him for doing otherwise was a just choice. Now, I know it's simply not that simple... We are both 'Good People,' shadows and all. 😔🤦

Without all the gory details... I am now a widow. Though my husband and I separated over a year ago, we were still married and I was contacted as his next of kin. It's been a hair-raising emotional rollercoaster, but here's where I've unexpectedly landed... I FEEL more like a widow than an ex-wife, and it's taken copious amounts of vulnerability-based strength to admit this to myself, and now to everyone willing to read these words. Grappling with the fear of expressing this intimate insight of widow-dom, of potentially owning a powerful and terrifying truth that I could never expect anyone else to understand, least of all because I hardly understand it myself. Still worse, being a widow runs the danger of evoking something I loathe more than anything else... sympathy. I am no victim, there is no 'real' blame, I left for the right reasons, guilt be damned, but though I physically and mentally left my marriage... my heart stayed behind, stayed loyal to him, and always would have; I never once over that period felt an authentic intention to move on or pursue another romantic relationship. 💔💩

What I might have never realised without his sudden death was the painful fact that my heart intended to return one day after he'd had time to fully consider his fallible actions... Oh how the Heart doth deceive. Only now do I miss him more than I can bare to face, feeling hopeless to ever again find someone so loving, encouraging and accepting, regardless of his complicated and objectively deviant history. I'm sad, frightened, and only now has the loneliness caught up with me... Who the hell will love me now, riddled with 'eccentricities' as I am (difficult as it is to label them as mental illness(es)... whoever came up with that term should be tarred and feathered 😕😡🐔)?! 

But the Universe saw fit to help me move on and grieve in only the way the Universe can, by completely removing the 'go-back' option... and on the whole, I am grateful. Gratitude is my one empowering option. Sometimes we need that wake-up call (literally and figuratively 😅📞), forced yet loving 'assistance' with stepping onto the next lesson and given a chance for closure from the one that came before. Along this adventure, I've accepted that I am here to humbly serve and genuinely trust the Universe as best as my current state of evolution allows. I endeavour to find peace in the sobering realisation that I can not always understand 'The Why.' 🙏🐇

In honour of my late husband, biggest supporter and best friend. Thank you for four of the best years of my life, filled with laughter, joy, surprises and growth. Thank you for reminding me that We (meaning all humans) are neither monsters nor saints (whether by self-identification or the perception of others, in either case!👿😵😇💫)... Humans are best served by authentic curiousity, compassion and understanding, instead of implacable judgment.

Original Publication Date 28 April 2024

Whim of the Week... Still a 'Good Person'

Events at play in my personal life have put my 2012 definition of a 'Good Person' back in my face to confront those thoughts in a decidedly BLEAK  way... and I must admit it's enough to test even my persistence of positivity... 😅🐇🕳🤔

Though still aligned to the definition, some people tragically lose the internal battle between their light and their shadow, so 'what they've got' appears to be sweet f*&#-all. 🤷‍♀️😳 And when that person is or has been very close to us, the sadness we feel is enough to sink us... watching them self destruct an indescribable pain. Their light, their potential, first dims, then finally flickers out. 😢

Such a harsh truth... some people either lack the mental capacity, emotional fortitude and/or Spiritual will to heal. They succumb to their shadow and become the ultimate A-sshole. They are no longer safe, neither to themselves nor others. 💔

Aside from who I have in mind at present, my sister was also one such person; which is why I maintain that these people - though lost in shadow - are still inherently good people... I don't know what will happen to this particular unfortunate soul, but I know what happened to Amanda and I can only hope that the lesson can be learnt and the inner light found in another lifetime.🌈🙏

For me, here's the silver lining: Learn from these Good People in Disguise, the ones who cannot or will not escape their darkness... move towards the light, BE THE LIGHT. 💖💞

Avoid blame, take ownership, engage in consistent and deliberate self reflection, challenge judgments and assumptions. Find the light of compassion, of empathy, of authentic self awareness, and use that light to create healthy boundaries with our shadows so they have their proper place within us rather than taking total control. BALANCED & WHOLE.

We all need to be able to downshift into the shadowy asshole space every now and then, set healthy boundaries to protect our values and our worth; but damn that internal boundary needs to be laid first! 👀👈

How we use / abuse our light and dark may just be the most crucial choice we make in this life. 🐇

What makes you a Good Person?

What shadows prevent you from being a Good Person from time to time? How do you know?

How can you engage your shadows in a healthy way? 

Original Publication Date 25 February 2024

Page of Cups

TRIGGER WARNING: This post touches on aspects of my Disordered Eating and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Please proceed with kindness and compassion for everyone's sake. 

The Page of Cups rarely comes to me in its upright position! Being well versed in the reversed meaning... deep underlying trauma and the need to heal so as to avoid projectile vomiting my own bullshit onto everyone else like a total asshole. I can only suppose that the 'work' I've done over the years has started to bear fruit. In one word, I feel POTENTIAL. The image is one of celebration, heartfelt admiration for the richness that emotions bring to our lives. Indeed, we can be prisoners to them or liberated by them... it's our choice.

To be honest, I needed this card this morning, as I sit with a sated shadow full of chips, chocolates and guilt from last night's binge. I just wanted all the trigger food in this house gone once and for good. A twisted act of deliverance, perhaps... I actually tossed out some of the chips and kept about three chocolates for later, so I did show some restraint... which I choose to be proud of dammit! I also TRUST myself and my body to rebalance... and there's the fact that if I gain a bit of weight, so f*&#ing what?! And just in those sentiments, I see the reinforced importance of choosing to align with the healthier thoughts rather than the dysfunctional thoughts...

For me, this card is about healthy choices, choosing to 1) identify and 2) celebrate the emotions that serve me well instead of dwelling on the negatives, disappointments, fear, worry, etc. It's a choice, and it's a f*&#ing hard one to be sure! But thankfully I've practiced making that choice enough for this card to arrive to me upright, which I certainly take as a win! I could wallow in self pity, beat myself up, be paranoid that fat will suddenly reappear all over my body, succumb to the fear that I'll never find my way out of this wretched eating disorder ... or I could accept I ate that food for a reason and rejoice that it's all gone (even if that reason was fuelled by compulsive thoughts). 

What enables me to focus on the healthier emotional choice of empowerment over punishment is understanding that having OCD that manifests itself as disordered eating doesn't make me less of a person or less worthy of love. It doesn't subtract from who I really am, it's just a characteristic that I have to try and manage from time to time, and continue to heal (and at this point, if I'm taking my own advice, I may - again - need professional help)... Even still, the scar may be permanent and may never go away, and the real test of my compassionate fortitude will be persisting in loving myself regardless, maintain radical self responsibility and esteem. There's also the fact that I'm positively f*&#ing sick of being mean to myself and I simply refuse to beat myself up anymore... 30+ years of data clearly demonstrates that it doesn't work!

The true meaning of this card in its upright position is 'a reminder that we can return to our natural state of innocence, playfulness and openness'... like a child before conditioning takes hold. Can I return to my pre-disordered eating state? Or, dare I ask, a state before neglect repeatedly broke my heart... leading to the slippery slope of self-abuse and mental ailments that abuse created? This card reminds me I've done a f*&# of a lot of excellent work already and I'm well aware of what's still to be done. In the meantime... I'm a good person with a good heart, good intentions, and raw determination... So I know I'll get there if it's what I genuinely desire; I can and will achieve whatever I set myself to, and that just might be the very definition of self-security.

Original Publication Date 04 February 2024

Double-Edged Sword of Determination

One of the whimsical concepts that takes up a considerable amount of glucose metabolism in my brain is the idea that many people have phenomenal amounts of passionate fiery energy, but they apply it to endeavors that serve neither themselves nor others in a truly commendable way. If only people could harness it and deploy it towards a wiser or higher purpose, this world would be a different place entirely!

• At a society level, the cunning greed that perpetuates the burning of fossil fuels would be converted to the invention of battery technology to store natural forms of energy. 
• At work, complaining about everything we hate about our jobs would manifest as proactive collaborative ways of finding solutions to repetitive problems, and re-engagement with how our work makes a meaningful contribution to the World. 
• At home, instead of yelling at each other we'd put the same communicative energy into exploring and defining the emotions sitting at the root of the argument, and invest in reaching a respectful and empathetic understanding. 
  

All humans have energy to invest, and our level of determination decides its impact on our physical World along a spectrum of extremes, like those above. Greed, selfishness and/or enforcement can drive our persistence, or it can be guided by grace and/or pro-social aspirations. As such, determination is a double-edged sword... a staunch mindset that once vested, for most, becomes implacable. We are humans on a mission, our determination generating powerful influence and certain results. Our choice is whether to wield that sword with enlightened service-based intent or egotistical ignorance; compassion or punishment. These are but extreme endpoints of this cautionary scale however, since even altruistic endeavours are rarely wholly selfless nor are anti-social agendas purely nefarious. We live in a world of grey. 😇💫😈

Wondrous warriors turn to destructive dictators if/when we fail to check: 

1) Where our initial intention and mindset lay on the continuum or,

2) Continually track any questionable shifts in mindset along the continuum as we exercise our willpower.

Otherwise the original ambition could get lost in the melee. We end up in a battle we never meant to fight, accumulating scars as we cut ourselves with our own sword of determination... F*&#-ing BLEAK!

Woah, esoteric much? ... So, what was the thought that instigated the genesis of this grand theory?

There is no one more determined than an anorexic.  

I appreciate that's a triggering statement, likely provoking a spiky reaction and a hell of a lot of assumptions and biases. Pause please, abstain from judgment until open-mindedly considering an unconventional perspective... 🙏🐇

This thought popped into my head one morning during a long training run as I reflected on my own innate tenacity of character... expressed as razor-sharp, brute-force, iron-clad determination. My sword is mighty indeed. Hell, I should give it a 'Lord of the Rings' type name... like Conscientia! [Latin for awareness] 😅🤓

I'll start by saying I love this quality in myself, consider it one of my feature superpowers, but for reasons elucidated in the examples below, it inspires 3 parts pride : 5 parts frustration : 2 parts amusement due to its utter ridiculousness (only humourous after an appropriate breathing period, in hindsight 😳🤷). Learning how to effectively manage and balance Conscientia was hard-earned. It took years of trial and error based fencing, I cut myself many times, as demonstarted in the poignant instances that follow, and I still do from time to time (though it's decidedly less!). Each sparring session makes me a more adept swords-woman. I deliberately review pivotal times in my life, critical decisions and desirous goals I've set, and I do my best to learn from what enabled me to win, and what led to cast-worthy cuts.  

Three admonishing narratives that illustrate what it looks like when mindsets shift, and my unwavering will wound up wounding me... 🐇🕳

Edgy Weight Loss

I began to write about the massive journey I undertook at the tender age of 23, one that shaped me literally and figuratively as I went from morbidly obese to gaunt emaciation. In it I explored the underlying emotions that led to my childhood girthiness. If I'm honest, brutally f*&#ing candid, I haven't finished that 3-part epic; I can't, it's too painful... even now... over 16 years later. The cause of this sting is a self-inflicted injury, the one leading to the initial thought which motivated me to create this very article. Controversially perhaps, I think Anorexia demonstrates astounding fortitude of character, requiring arguably supernatural strength; but represents passion grievously misspent. I would not wish it on my worst enemy... Ugh. I'll leave it there and succinctly relay how my mindsets shifted, allowing the readers to fill in the gaps. 🤦🙏😔

  

Wellness Mindset: Don't be another 'fat American' with type II diabetes

Sharpened Mindset: Get to goal weight as quickly as possible

Mindset Scar: Keep the weight off at all costs

Acute Anxiety

I've dealt with chronic, and at times debilitating, anxiety from a very young age. Indeed, processing and healing my anxiety via self-administered Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) inspired many a post of my previous blog. Oh, and there is the critical point subtly embedded in that innocent sentence... self-administered. The few times my anxiety got so bad I landed myself in a hospital, the doctors told me that I needed medication, that my case was severe and I'd need pills for the rest of my life to function as a healthy human being. Well, I decided early on that wasn't for me. I'll admit, I attained an anxiety-free life in the end, but when I reflect on that laborious trek I can't help but think I made things unnecessarily difficult for myself... Not to mention the horrific bias I heaped upon those who did rely on medication. 💊🚫🙈
 

Wellness Mindset: Manage anxiety without becoming a pill-popping zombie (judgy much? 😨), explore the root cause(s) instead of treating the direct cause and symptoms

Sharpened Mindset: It is my fault that I have anxiety, so I must deal with it on my own, I don't deserve help

Mindset Scar: If I don't stick to a strict, time tested and proven, anti-anxiety regime then it'll come back

Pointed Marathon

Because irony is one of the great loves of my life, I decided that to overcome my aforementioned refuelling issues (i.e. disordered, restricted, eating) was to train for a marathon. It actually worked wonderfully. Simply put, if I didn't eat enough to hit my training schedule and run the required amount of kilometers (kms), then I wouldn't hit my goal. And during a particularly memorable training run, I realised that erring on the low side of caloric intake would literally land me in a ditch, inert and shaking until some good samaritan found me and fed me some chocolate. After that, I can safely say I learned to eat and eat well! 🤷🍫

So, what's better than running a marathon? Running multiple marathons! For my second I was dead-keen to achieve a sub-5 hour time... and that's what I did... along with accumulating hip and knee damage that led to near-immobility for months. 🕕💩👏

Wellness Mindset: Prove to myself that I'm strong, capable and resilient enough to reach the pinnacle of fitness while also surmounting disordered eating

Sharpened Mindset: Train relentlessly, push through pain, and ALWAYS run more km's than scheduled to ensure I reach the finish line before 5 hours

Mindset Scar: Keep it up or I'll lose all my fitness, continually get stronger and train harder, eat only if I've earnt it by training in some form or fashion

All wellness-inspired ambitions, seemingly worthy uses of my precious energy. Yet in each disconcerting sparring lesson, I humbly accept that my determined mindsets were either questionable from the start (mainly out of ignorance, not mal-intent/self-sabotage), or slipped from compassion/permission to punishment/enforcement along the sharp slope of the determination spectrum. In all instances, Conscientia had turned against me because I lost sight of true health and thus misused my energy, serving neither me nor anyone else in a beneficial way. On the battlefield of determination, it's dangerously easy to forget why we first picked up the sword. The true intention and purpose can become convoluted, and when it does we're likely to bleed. 🩸🗡

As I age, grow wiser, rewire and heal these dysfunctional mindset scars through self-reflection and brutal honesty about how and when I get in my own way, I've come to know the point at which I'm at risk of cutting myself by this resolve. When to lean-in and fight with valor, and when to sit back and let the battle unfold without my personal contribution. 🙏🙉💖

My solace moving forward is the discovery of a fight genuinely deserving of my superpower and Conscientia's might. If and when I pick up my sword it will be to protect my own or anyone else's sense of Self Worth, preserve the beauty and balance of our Planet, or to defend honesty and unadulterated truth. I will no longer fear the intensity of my tenacious Spirit. I know I can go overboard, have learnt from life-altering lessons. I will TRUST in my new pursuit, appropriately focused on a balanced approach, explicit awareness and trusted intuition; not just for the betterment of myself, but for the whole World, lest I forget that extreme conviction only leads to self-inflicted overwhelm and preventable punctures. I appreciate how utopian that sounds, but f*&# I'm determined...👀😆🙄

Original Publication Date 07 January 2024

Whim of the Week… Ridiculous Reactivity

I love how one random moment on a row machine can make me pause and reflect on...

• Who I am based on how I act
• Who I am based on who I think I am
• Who I am based on how others perceive me
• Who I am based on my aspirational potential

All different, yet all true (whether I like it or not). 🐇😅😳🐇

Typical morning, rowing away to my heart's content, when a song comes on Spotify that I don't quite care for so I attempt to issue a 'Next Song' command to Siri (whom I lovingly refer to as 'Senior Navigator'). Though my nondescript masculine Aussie-voiced Siri usually responds efficiently to a ‘Hey Siri’ prompt, eagerly awaiting to answer my will, on this particular occasion Sr. Navigator must have misunderstood me. Instead of skipping to the next song as anticipated, it proceeded to ask if I wanted to call someone in my contacts and I got immediately flustered, afraid it would ring the person while I was breathlessly pulling my way to 10km at an hour that only exists to bats and die-hard gym fanatics. In my haste, the prickle-pants came on and I exclaimed, loudly and articulately so Sr. Navigator would be sure to hear me properly...  "No Sr. Navigator! Naughty!" 😂👈🖕

Being extremely well practiced in introspection, in a flash I appeared outside of myself, watching my behaviour from a loftier perspective (thanks Eckhart Tolle ), and I immediately began to cackle. What a phenomenally reactive asshole I am, how ridiculous I must have appeared to my community of fellow cardio addicts. 😆💩👀

I wasn't in a pissy mood and hadn't woken up on the wrong side of the bed, nevertheless this AI driven assistant failing to understand my instruction was enough to trigger me. Why? Pick an issue, any issue... Lack of perceived respect, failure to control the situation as I wanted to, fear of calling some rando contact at 4:00am by mistake, disappointment, need for instant gratification, to feel powerful... Nevermind that I'm talking about my response to a f*&#ing robot on my phone! This is how easily humans create our own chaos... misperceiving threats left, right and center, reacting in various preposterous and emotionally unintelligent ways for all the world to see and justifiably laugh at, which we also view as a threat. Thus the vicious cycle persists until we learn to STOP and objectively observe ourselves. 😵🤷

Do I think of myself as a defensive person? No... but did I react defensively? Yes, yes I did. And this, my fine fluffles, is what continually reminds me to ABSTAIN FROM JUDGING OTHERS. Humans are hardwired to react. Whether the danger, hazard or risk is factual or fabricated makes absolutely no difference. No one is exempt, I write about this shit CONSTANTLY and it's gloriously embarrassing to witness myself behaving this way; but shit, I'm only human. I can't know what those around me thought about my belligerent outburst but whatever it was, from the damning 'What a nutter!' to the empathetic 'Been there!,' and anything else along that spectrum, is fair. 

The whimsical point of this situation is that Sr. Navigator was only trying to help! Someone unwilling to own this level of self-awareness and humbling honesty would likely just blame their phone for their odd behaviour... and that may be innocuous in this circumstance... yet I can't help but contemplate the weightier implications of such a mindset in other situations. Situations where accountability is vital for healthy internal and external relationships, and sense of Self. 🤔🐇🕳 

When do you most need to pause, reflect, and consider outside perspectives before reacting?

Have you ever practiced non-judgmentally observing your behaviours, and assessing whether they are serving your life in beneficial ways?

Are there gaps between who you think you are, who others think you are, and how you want to be? 

Original Publication Date 06 January 2024