i didn't believe in what i deserve, so i led myself astray
Be brave enough to say that I am this way
i cannot learn patience until I pause long enough to see
That I am magic, I was born to be me
Free
Stay
Stay, stay; don’t run away
i didn't believe in what i deserve, so i led myself astray
Be brave enough to say that I am this way
i cannot learn patience until I pause long enough to see
That I am magic, I was born to be me
Free
i didn't believe in what i deserve, so i led myself astray
Be brave enough to say that I am this way
i cannot learn patience until I pause long enough to see
That I am magic, I was born to be me
Free
Lack Luster
Back in 2015 I wrote a definition for Patience, stated as: An awareness and acceptance that one has no control over the external components of their life; most notably, those matters pertaining to other People. . .
The fact that I 'knew' what patience meant to me then highlights why I thoroughly enjoy self-development. As I evolve and practice accepting that I can not, and do not want to, control other people or their actions, my struggle with patience continues to take on new weird and wonderful configurations, the onion layers peeling back. Indeed, patience looks very different to me now 🐇🕰.
While reflecting on those words I felt deeply for my younger-self, coming to grips with the fact I had sweet F$*!-all control over anything but my own thoughts, emotions and actions. I remember that humbling blow to my tiny-human ego all too well. Hell, I'd be lying if I didn't admit this reality still bitch-slaps me every now and again, lest I forget to stop trying to control everything; like an alcoholic with amnesia who continually forgets to put the booze down, picking it up simply out of habit and a go-to reaction to life's many stresses. But I digress, what I described then is impatience in the form of levelling others to get to where we want to be. Driving like a maniac to gain one car length, stomping over people for the last 'Tickle-Me Elmo,' cutting in line to be the first person on the plane to sit down and, well, sit... for hours 🤔. This notion can best be summarised as 'hurry up and wait.' The reward for our hastiness? A bright shiny badge labelled 'Grade-A Asshole' 😅.
The fact that I 'knew' what patience meant to me then highlights why I thoroughly enjoy self-development. As I evolve and practice accepting that I can not, and do not want to, control other people or their actions, my struggle with patience continues to take on new weird and wonderful configurations, the onion layers peeling back. Indeed, patience looks very different to me now 🐇🕰.
Interestingly, I believe that the 'hurry up and wait' dilemma is a consequence of the instant gratification to which nearly every westernised 21st century human is privy, most notably Americans. This form of impatience is less typical in Kiwis, one of many welcomed cultural differences of my new life... though it does make me stand out as a bit of a dick from time to time 😆! Even that's a good thing however, if I didn't notice the stark difference between my observable agitation at having to wait and the calmly waiting Kiwis, I wouldn't have become aware that my behaviour was unacceptable or have an example to follow to make the required improvements 🙏💖.
After falling down the Rabbit Hole however, my impression of patience has expanded along with my awareness, so let's start afresh! On the most logical level, why would we feel impatient? ... Go ahead, have a go... 🐇
For me, it's because there is something we feel we need but do not have; we are experiencing a deficit or lack of something we want or feel we need. Different people are prone to feeling this 'not enough' issue for different things, but we all share the common sensation. Who, for example, hasn't endured a money dilemma? Experienced loneliness due to a lack of love or attention, touch? Worked at a job that they felt stymied their overall career goals, or felt otherwise disengaged from their work? Expressed an intolerance to hunger or thirst? Had to have the newest iPhone, Samsung or some other techno gadget? Repeatedly avowed there's not enough hours in the day? Shit, even dogs beg for food and attention...
Huh, I just realised I spend a considerable amount of time beating myself up for feeling impatient even though it's a basic animal survival instinct. That's the primitive biological form of impatience however, this is the Rabbit Hole dammit, let's get existential with it!
There are justifiable reasons to challenge our perceptions of impatience, growing our emotional maturity and resilience along the way. Let's delve into the green underlined text above and contemplate the gap between what we FEEL we need versus what we ACTUALLY need. Emotional survival versus lizard-brain survival, respectively. Within that rabbit hole of a gap, impatience and trying to get what we don't have enough of, is little more than striving to manifest what we want instead of allowing it to come in a more Universal or Spiritual way....
"What the F*$# are you on about Summer?! What do you mean a 'more Universal way'?! If there's something we want or need, but don't have, shouldn't we do what we have to do to get it?!"
... Yes, and no. The Universe operates on a healthy sense of irony, and is never so black and white.
Patience lies on a spectrum between Will and Allowing, and this is the key to manifesting our destiny and co-creating our reality (admittedly, a key I often fumble and drop, or misplace and can't find 😂). I've done 'research' into this lofty concept of manifestation, and so far as I can ascertain, the guiding rule is to live as though we already have what we want, which tricks our brains into thinking we don't need it. In turn, we stop trying to control shit and... Boom! It appears like MAGIC 💥.
For example, we all know or have heard of a couple who've tried everything to have a baby. Tests, injections, IVF, eating certain foods, post-coital head-stands; you name it, they've tried it! They grow impatient, become obsessed with the outcome and think of nothing other than how much they want to hold that baby. After years, feeling battered, bruised, hopeless and likely bankrupt, the down-trodden couple throw up their hands and give up; remit control. They commit to re-focusing on others things that are important to them to take their minds off of their dilemma: projects around the house, weekends away to re-build their own relationship, time with friends, online courses on something they'd always been interested in, take up painting, start training for a 5k run, etc. They relax, give themselves permission to trust in a 'bigger plan,' an unseeable plan. One month later the seemingly impossible happens, the woman falls pregnant. Why? Well, there's biological explanations (i.e., lowering stress increases fertility), but also emotional and spiritual explanations; because as Humans we are a trifecta of these three energies and they create the whole. We must authentically want something to direct our will and guide our actions towards it, while also remaining grateful for the things we do have whilst waiting and allowing what we want to arrive, in its own perfect timing.
It's very 'meta,' but can we be patiently impatient? Practicing enough patience to wait and see how it plays out on a larger scale, one that we can't completely see or comprehend; yet impatient and hungry enough to take action when opportunities present themselves, thus making progressive steps toward the outcome we want (usually subconsciously)? Until... it finally, fatefully, appears.
These are not easy questions to answer or concepts to ponder. They prompt us to ask ourselves what we truly want, what we feel we are capable of, and what we believe can happen beyond the realm of our control; the larger creative force of the Universe. Phew!
Imagination Station... Picture This 👀🖼
Yes, that's a damn lot to consider and even my poor tiny human brain hurts; so here's some rational principles I use to help put these obscure concepts into practice... at least with the front end of the process.
Here's how I put these points into action:
After falling down the Rabbit Hole however, my impression of patience has expanded along with my awareness, so let's start afresh! On the most logical level, why would we feel impatient? ... Go ahead, have a go... 🐇
For me, it's because there is something we feel we need but do not have; we are experiencing a deficit or lack of something we want or feel we need. Different people are prone to feeling this 'not enough' issue for different things, but we all share the common sensation. Who, for example, hasn't endured a money dilemma? Experienced loneliness due to a lack of love or attention, touch? Worked at a job that they felt stymied their overall career goals, or felt otherwise disengaged from their work? Expressed an intolerance to hunger or thirst? Had to have the newest iPhone, Samsung or some other techno gadget? Repeatedly avowed there's not enough hours in the day? Shit, even dogs beg for food and attention...
Huh, I just realised I spend a considerable amount of time beating myself up for feeling impatient even though it's a basic animal survival instinct. That's the primitive biological form of impatience however, this is the Rabbit Hole dammit, let's get existential with it!
There are justifiable reasons to challenge our perceptions of impatience, growing our emotional maturity and resilience along the way. Let's delve into the green underlined text above and contemplate the gap between what we FEEL we need versus what we ACTUALLY need. Emotional survival versus lizard-brain survival, respectively. Within that rabbit hole of a gap, impatience and trying to get what we don't have enough of, is little more than striving to manifest what we want instead of allowing it to come in a more Universal or Spiritual way....
"What the F*$# are you on about Summer?! What do you mean a 'more Universal way'?! If there's something we want or need, but don't have, shouldn't we do what we have to do to get it?!"
... Yes, and no. The Universe operates on a healthy sense of irony, and is never so black and white.
Patience lies on a spectrum between Will and Allowing, and this is the key to manifesting our destiny and co-creating our reality (admittedly, a key I often fumble and drop, or misplace and can't find 😂). I've done 'research' into this lofty concept of manifestation, and so far as I can ascertain, the guiding rule is to live as though we already have what we want, which tricks our brains into thinking we don't need it. In turn, we stop trying to control shit and... Boom! It appears like MAGIC 💥.
For example, we all know or have heard of a couple who've tried everything to have a baby. Tests, injections, IVF, eating certain foods, post-coital head-stands; you name it, they've tried it! They grow impatient, become obsessed with the outcome and think of nothing other than how much they want to hold that baby. After years, feeling battered, bruised, hopeless and likely bankrupt, the down-trodden couple throw up their hands and give up; remit control. They commit to re-focusing on others things that are important to them to take their minds off of their dilemma: projects around the house, weekends away to re-build their own relationship, time with friends, online courses on something they'd always been interested in, take up painting, start training for a 5k run, etc. They relax, give themselves permission to trust in a 'bigger plan,' an unseeable plan. One month later the seemingly impossible happens, the woman falls pregnant. Why? Well, there's biological explanations (i.e., lowering stress increases fertility), but also emotional and spiritual explanations; because as Humans we are a trifecta of these three energies and they create the whole. We must authentically want something to direct our will and guide our actions towards it, while also remaining grateful for the things we do have whilst waiting and allowing what we want to arrive, in its own perfect timing.
It's very 'meta,' but can we be patiently impatient? Practicing enough patience to wait and see how it plays out on a larger scale, one that we can't completely see or comprehend; yet impatient and hungry enough to take action when opportunities present themselves, thus making progressive steps toward the outcome we want (usually subconsciously)? Until... it finally, fatefully, appears.
These are not easy questions to answer or concepts to ponder. They prompt us to ask ourselves what we truly want, what we feel we are capable of, and what we believe can happen beyond the realm of our control; the larger creative force of the Universe. Phew!
We're at our favourite restaurant getting our most beloved meal... We've special ordered it to have it just so, precisely what we want... Our taste buds tingle in anticipation as we start to salivate... We start looking around to see if it's coming... It seems like it's taking forever, we can't concentrate on anything other than how badly we want it... We remind ourself that good things take time, that it'll be worth the wait... The appearance of other meals coming from the kitchen fill us with an odd mixture of hope and envy, we're starting to fidget... We feel like we're f*ing starving at this point, despair is taking hold... Just as we resolve ourselves on having to go elsewhere, no longer willing to wait, out it comes... The relief is palpable, a wave of calm passes over us as we take in the aroma... Famished, we plow into the meal, barely tasting it... Before we know it, it's gone and we're left wondering... What the F*$% do I do now?
We all have our own equivalent of that favourite meal. It's that something we just can't get enough of, something we fail to recognise we already have (just not in the form we want perhaps), and I certainly know mine. Clinging to the impatient needy perception that we don't have it nor is it likely to ever arrive, life seems a bit f*$!-ing miserable. Everything feels like effort, we're waiting, feeling lost and listless. The mindset of lack becomes a pair of glasses that blinds us to those things in our lives that we do have, that we take for granted. No matter how much food we have in front of us, we focus on the meal we fear will never appear. Are we doomed to strive, jockeyed by actual or misperceived lack? I don't think so anymore, but I'm still working on shifting this mindset and it's definitely a long-term (if not life long) project. Instead of striving I endeavour to trust I'll always have what I need, and in the meantime when shit appears F&*#-ing BLEAK I practice laughing at the absurdity of my meager frustrations when seen on the grand buffet table of life.
We all have our own equivalent of that favourite meal. It's that something we just can't get enough of, something we fail to recognise we already have (just not in the form we want perhaps), and I certainly know mine. Clinging to the impatient needy perception that we don't have it nor is it likely to ever arrive, life seems a bit f*$!-ing miserable. Everything feels like effort, we're waiting, feeling lost and listless. The mindset of lack becomes a pair of glasses that blinds us to those things in our lives that we do have, that we take for granted. No matter how much food we have in front of us, we focus on the meal we fear will never appear. Are we doomed to strive, jockeyed by actual or misperceived lack? I don't think so anymore, but I'm still working on shifting this mindset and it's definitely a long-term (if not life long) project. Instead of striving I endeavour to trust I'll always have what I need, and in the meantime when shit appears F&*#-ing BLEAK I practice laughing at the absurdity of my meager frustrations when seen on the grand buffet table of life.
Admittedly, however, there are times that I'm not able to laugh. As I grieved my marriage shit got dire, nothing was manifesting and I heard the diabolically terrifying thought... This is not a life worth living... but then I saw one of my greatest perceived weaknesses turn into strength. Ironically, I realised the addiction to control that led to continual strife and imbalance throughout my life was also the very will I needed to reply... Then let's f*%@ing DO something about it! 💪💖
 |
| Actual epiphany provoking text to my Sister When I shared my alarming thought with her. |
Taking the whole of Patience into account, becoming aware of the larger picture from start to finish, we can now appreciate that waiting is only part of the experience, but one trough along the sigmoidal wave of life. As evident from the example there is another aspect of the meal-dilemma, holding its own form of discomfort.... As we consume the cherished meal we also watch as it disappears, and it leaves a void. As humans we tend to move onto the next thing that we want and/or need; it's a never-ending cycle.
I hypothesise that true patience comes when we accept that once we have what we want, reach the crest of the wave 🌊, the cycle will begin anew without losing our sense of serenity (aka our 'shit' 💩😅) or exert unhealthy quanta of control.
Let's also agree to abstain from getting pissed off at ourselves or others for feeling impatient along the way because, well, we're all human! We can all appreciate the sensation of ping-ponging between hope and disappointment, joy and sadness, passion and lackluster. Patience is trusting that all the emotional ups and downs will effectively cancel each other out, and the ebb and flow of feeling scarcity and abundance is perfectly natural.
Principles of Patience
#1: Muster up just enough patience to insert the Pause and recognise when we're feeling impatient. Attempt to remain open and curious to learn from the impatience; what is it that we want or think we need but are not getting fast enough or in large enough quantities? Is one of our basic human needs not being fulfilled (food, water, shelter, love, belonging, etc.)?
#2: Be patient enough with ourselves to accept that we can be rather impatient people; everyone is at times! In essence, trust that we can and will shift from being an impatient person, to being a patient person who experiences bouts of impatience 😝.
#3: Be patient enough with others to avoid blaming them if a need is not being met, or we're not getting what we want in short order. We may authentically feel we need to get in and out of the grocery store quickly, but it's unlikely to be so urgent that we need to yell "Get the F*$@ out of my way!" to people in front of us... this is not emotionally mature or acceptable behaviour 😂😳.
#2: Be patient enough with ourselves to accept that we can be rather impatient people; everyone is at times! In essence, trust that we can and will shift from being an impatient person, to being a patient person who experiences bouts of impatience 😝.
#3: Be patient enough with others to avoid blaming them if a need is not being met, or we're not getting what we want in short order. We may authentically feel we need to get in and out of the grocery store quickly, but it's unlikely to be so urgent that we need to yell "Get the F*$@ out of my way!" to people in front of us... this is not emotionally mature or acceptable behaviour 😂😳.
#4: Aspire to one day attain Unconditional Patience, like Buddha or Jesus 🙏✞; knowing and avidly believing that everything is unfolding precisely as it should... the glorious as well as the wretched 💝💩. The impatience, struggle for control, frustration with others, or anything else that seems to get in our way, is all part of some elusive plan that we just can't see, but will someday mysteriously make perfect sense.
Here's how I put these points into action:
- I catch myself feeling upset, longing, frustrated, and/or in a hurry
- I ask myself if it's something I need or want, and if that need or want is actual or perceived (Note: This necessitates the ability to challenge some deeply-held conditions and beliefs... GO GENTLY)
- I check-in to be sure I'm not being a dick to myself or someone else because my need isn't being met as quickly as I'd like, or that I'm exerting an unhealthy amount of control over the situation (aka forcing my Tiny Human Ego's will onto the Universe unnecessarily)
- I remind myself that if I can trust, then I can wait.
Original Publication Date 09 June 2019, Revised 30 April 2023.
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