Disturbingly, during an Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Leadership Workshop, I realised that I had been unknowingly deceiving myself. Much to my humiliation, I was struck by the confronting fact that I had falsely mistaken a high degree of self-awareness with EQ. Though self-awareness is one of the cornerstones of EQ it is but one component, and I aptly assessed myself as nearly devoid of the other capabilities; most notably, self regulation. Since that fateful workshop, where I committed to the extremely uncomfortable process of owning and sussing out both my conscious and subconscious (aka suppressed) emotions, my entire life has changed. It wouldn't do anyone any good for me to explain the process in detail because it wouldn't make sense. Hell it didn't even make sense to me at the time and it still doesn't! Emotions are rarely logical, and emotional work is profoundly personal. The adventure looks different for everyone. Suffice it to say it included a series of small shifts as I actively engaged with how I felt throughout the day, every day. Each shift taking place as I observed my emotions, learning to lay judgment at bay and interrupt my habit of suppression; dealing with them in their raw form and acknowledging they had a purpose. At best its a masochistic exercise ð , but the end result is a liberation so joyful that it's impossible to regret. ðð
And so began the inner struggle of the two voices, and what I now understand was the basis of my constant anxiety. One voice telling me to relax, see how shit plays out, urging me to consider how that person thought or felt before I reacted, or to simply focus on myself instead of ruminating on things I knew to be beyond my influence. 'Leave people and their situations to themselves' it said, 'what others think and feel is none of my business.' But I never listened... I physically couldn't, I saw no other way. I knew no other way.
TRUSTING that voice was impossible for me. Why? FEAR. Survival-based fear that led to an overwhelming compulsion to control. If I didn't control the situation by mulling over and analysing every possible outcome and how to manipulate it, then how could I be sure I'd get what I want/need?! There was no trust. Not in myself, not in others, not in the things that made our physical lives possible (like planes ✈), and damn sure not in the Universe.
That inner fight, the power struggle between what I felt and what I thought, coupled with an complete lack of trust and need for control, kept me bound to a vicious pattern that I repeated for over 30 years. It destroyed every type of relationship possible: familial, career, romantic and friendship. Over time I began to think of myself as toxic, unloveable; broken. My coping mechanism became adopting a gypsy lifestyle, never staying in one place or job for too long, never letting anyone too close. F&*#-ing BLEAK!
Of course, all of this completely eluded me at the time..... Oh, the gift of hindsight and confronting our own BULLSHIT. Welcome to the adventure! ðð ð
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| For those who pathologically suppress emotions, it's difficult to realise when we're doing it. |
Odd Ways In Which We Teach Ourselves...
At the beginning of my journey I read all types of personal development books and thought I finally saw the bigger emotional picture; understanding the relationship between thoughts, emotions and actions on both a spiritual and psychological basis. Things were going so well that I forgot about the two voices and the torment I had experienced throughout my life. It's astonishing how quickly those types of lessons fade once we've done the re-wiring, and how rapidly our daily mental routines can change... it's both blessing and curse. ððĐ
Until one day when I felt an odd sensation, as if there was something I had to do. An intuitive compulsion to make a phone call, the thought of which made my brain say "Hell no! I'm not doing that!" All day, that unrelenting sensation. I was nervous and sweaty, my heart pounded, I even felt sick. It was as though my body already knew what would happen. At 6pm, a time I knew to be ideal from nearly two years of living with this extremely regimented person, I picked up the phone and dialled the number I remembered despite more than a year of separation. I watched my fingers press the digits as though they belonged to someone else. Panicking a bit, I wondered what the shit I would say. But I knew, I had figured it out months ago, what I would say if I ever spoke to him again. He answered, saying hello and mentioning something about it being a nice surprise. I hesitated a bit then said "Hi! I finally learned how to flair my nostrils." Laughter, exactly what I expected. With one silly sentence I diffused a potentially difficult conversation, making it safe by addressing an intimate source of amusement we shared during our time together. All fear melted away and we had an easy, amiable and authentically pleasant conversation. The only thing I felt while talking to him was honest caring and interest in what he had been doing over the last year. I had no agenda, no interest in talking about what happened, why he had left me or the nearly paralysing pain I experienced afterward. In truth, I had called for reasons I didn't fully comprehend, yet it brought me peace of mind, emotions and Spirit. ððð
At the beginning of my journey I read all types of personal development books and thought I finally saw the bigger emotional picture; understanding the relationship between thoughts, emotions and actions on both a spiritual and psychological basis. Things were going so well that I forgot about the two voices and the torment I had experienced throughout my life. It's astonishing how quickly those types of lessons fade once we've done the re-wiring, and how rapidly our daily mental routines can change... it's both blessing and curse. ððĐ
Until one day when I felt an odd sensation, as if there was something I had to do. An intuitive compulsion to make a phone call, the thought of which made my brain say "Hell no! I'm not doing that!" All day, that unrelenting sensation. I was nervous and sweaty, my heart pounded, I even felt sick. It was as though my body already knew what would happen. At 6pm, a time I knew to be ideal from nearly two years of living with this extremely regimented person, I picked up the phone and dialled the number I remembered despite more than a year of separation. I watched my fingers press the digits as though they belonged to someone else. Panicking a bit, I wondered what the shit I would say. But I knew, I had figured it out months ago, what I would say if I ever spoke to him again. He answered, saying hello and mentioning something about it being a nice surprise. I hesitated a bit then said "Hi! I finally learned how to flair my nostrils." Laughter, exactly what I expected. With one silly sentence I diffused a potentially difficult conversation, making it safe by addressing an intimate source of amusement we shared during our time together. All fear melted away and we had an easy, amiable and authentically pleasant conversation. The only thing I felt while talking to him was honest caring and interest in what he had been doing over the last year. I had no agenda, no interest in talking about what happened, why he had left me or the nearly paralysing pain I experienced afterward. In truth, I had called for reasons I didn't fully comprehend, yet it brought me peace of mind, emotions and Spirit. ððð
After hanging up I felt extremely proud of myself. How emotionally intelligent! I had held, and even enjoyed, a conversation that I never thought I'd be strong enough to execute without tears. I got on with my usual routine of cooking dinner, getting my running gear ready for the next morning and puttering around my room. My super analytical brain started doing what it loves to do, dismantling and rearranging the conversation... looking for hidden messages. Before I knew it I was experiencing NEW emotions, mainly anger as I constructed false realities about what was, and was not, said and meant. Whoa, wait, wasn't I fine just a moment ago? Peaceful? What the hell happened? Where were these new feelings coming from?
Voices of ghosts. Phantoms that told me I was never good enough for him, reminding me that I was broken, that he never really loved me, that he is happier without me, and all the other hurtful things that he never actually said but I subconsciously believed. Ghosts born of trauma-driven self-victimisation, keeping me disempowered and feeding my limiting false beliefs. Those self-inflicted sentiments inspiring anger, anger I needed to defend my budding sense of self worth. Ironically however, the person I was defending myself against was me... the scariest reality of all.
What a beautiful example of how I think myself into emotional pain. ðð
A few days later, during one of my daily runs, the light bulb came on in a flash so bright that I was literally blinded (I shit you not, it was creepy). THAT PAUSE... Holy shit, that period of time between the actual conversation and when I starting thinking about the conversation! I finally understood the true origin of the two voices! The first one borne of my innate intuitive emotions... pure feeling, compassionate and wise. The latter, what I thought I should feel based on conditioned self destructive inner BULLSHIT, false belief phantoms so deeply ingrained I'd never BEFORE been cognisant of their true impact on my emotional state... until the light bulb went off ðĄðĨ... until there was enough space between what was actually said and what 'I told myself was said (but wasn't)' that I could discern the difference... until I became aware.
A few days later, during one of my daily runs, the light bulb came on in a flash so bright that I was literally blinded (I shit you not, it was creepy). THAT PAUSE... Holy shit, that period of time between the actual conversation and when I starting thinking about the conversation! I finally understood the true origin of the two voices! The first one borne of my innate intuitive emotions... pure feeling, compassionate and wise. The latter, what I thought I should feel based on conditioned self destructive inner BULLSHIT, false belief phantoms so deeply ingrained I'd never BEFORE been cognisant of their true impact on my emotional state... until the light bulb went off ðĄðĨ... until there was enough space between what was actually said and what 'I told myself was said (but wasn't)' that I could discern the difference... until I became aware.
Prior to the epiphany that resulted from that fateful phone call, these dichotomous emotions seemed to arrive at the same time. I would become horribly confused and tear myself apart trying to decide which was real. How could I have realised that subconscious thoughts and voices of ghosts from my past were tricking me into feeling and behaving in ways that didn't serve me, keeping me in that vicious disempowered cycle. Indeed, listening to such phantoms are extremely dangerous to our sense of Self, Worth and esteem, driving destructive behaviours and constraining our potential to thrive. Now, I've begun to insert that pause deliberately. Critical time which enables me to distinguish how I genuinely feel from how I think I should feel. ð
Practical steps to support shifting into a more emotionally intelligent mindset includes:
- Observe How We Feel: Pay attention to inner dialogue that uses 'I THINK I feel...' and/or 'I SHOULD feel...' These are clues that we're thinking our feelings instead of feeling our feelings (Whoa, I know ðģ) and/or judging or justifying our feelings instead of allowing them to flow naturally in their own right.
- Remain Willing to Learn From Emotions: If we're pissed, be pissed! All emotions have a purpose, whether based in reality or lies we're telling ourselves. It's a great way to learn about our triggers and the conditioning that led to them. For example, my Father bought me Goosebumps books for doing the dishes when I was young, and to this day I love doing the dishes because something insides me thinks I deserve a treat for my efforts. ð
- Learn How to Support Ourselves Through Emotional Discomfort: This is all about self regulation and managing our needs so our emotions aren't suppressed, then come spewing out at inopportune times. Like the countless times I've burst into tears in front of the wrong people, or told perfect strangers about traumas from my past.
- Realise that Feeling Emotion Does Not Mean Expressing Emotion: FFS, if we're not sure how we feel, let's all agree to keep our traps shut until we can practice Step 3 and self-govern. Perhaps if more Humans did this, we'd stop shitting on one another to make ourselves feel better.
Original Publication Date 01 March 2019, Revised 07 May 2023
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