Parental Permission

I walked along one day indulging in a beloved pastime, considering the meanings of words on a deeper more philosophical strata. That day's rumination: 

Considering the difference between guilt and regret. 

The more I contemplated, the more I convinced myself that sensations of guilt found their basis in the present whereas regret was based in the past, being a consequence of perpetual and/or prolonged guilt. Simply put, I may feel guilty now, but in a week if I cannot process that guilt and let it go, I'll feel regret.

This intuitive observation drove me still deeper... Why couldn't I let the guilt go? Instead, dragging it along with me into another day... day after day? Why did I still feel upset? Knowing my tendency to beat myself up for being imperfect, I typically feel guilty when I think I've done something wrong, so the regret is directly related to my inability to allow myself to err; to give myself permission to be human, to f*#$! up! Why couldn't I forgive myself?  

Still more layers... Should I always forgive myself? Is that practicing balance and constructive self-discipline? Don't I need a boot up my ass every now and again to keep up my healthy habits? Shit, now I'm confused... Must guilt and regret be viewed as 'bad' emotions? Aren't they simply knocking at the door of my psyche to teach me something like all other emotions? 🐇👀😖🐇

I reflected in my Journal:

"Let's go a bit deeper; how do we know the permission we bestow upon ourselves is authentic? Ah, that pesky little prick called GUILT is a good clue. For example, when I tell myself I can eat an entire pizza as a treat, then feel guilty about it afterwards, the permission was not unconditional. There's a lot to learn about ourselves right there.... what were those quiet conditions that I couldn't hear until the guilt hit me? What am I telling myself about eating a whole pizza that inspires such guilty feelings? For me it's the terror of regaining weight, experiencing the old unhealthy urge to over-exercise and under-eat to re-balance the scales, or simply putting something in my body that I know will slow it down and create discomfort. In such cases as these, compromise is best. Two pieces of pizza over the next few days is not only cost-effective but also quiets those tiny assholes voices, the brain spiders. There's no sense in hating them, they're there to look out for me in their own way. Even if sometimes they are misguided and interlaced with conditioned falsehoods, they're mine, and I choose to love them instead of fight them. In my experience, once they realise I'm not willing to fight, they too calm down and I feel completely peaceful in myself; it's own kind of self-care, learning to forgive myself for both being imperfect and also for beating myself up for being imperfect. Permission to be me. All of me."

This paragraph was actually intended for Protecting the Pearls but I took it out, it seemed to clash with the rest of the theme I was going for; this was something completely it's own. I caught myself, I tripped over the idea that guilt was a bad thing, something to be avoided at all cost, then recognised the false logic (and yes, that whip-lash of mindfulness can inspire a bit of a headache). What I'm insinuating is there is another side of permission, one that I'd argue goes under-appreciated, one that lead me to ask myself the question: What kind of permission would I give myself if I was a next-level kick-ass parent? 

One who perfectly displays the delicate balance between encouragement and acceptance, loves unconditionally but also knows when to challenge? One who knows when it's best to coach their offspring and build their independence, and when to manage their child because they're doing something that won't ultimately serve them well. Don't good parents allow their children to feel guilty and regretful from time to time because they know it will teach them valuable life lessons?

My regional manager also helped me see this boundary. They know my habit of coaching, asking awareness raising questions, and cultivating autonomy instead of telling leaders 'what to do,' so they said to me one day, "when your kid is about to put their finger in a light socket you don't have a coaching conversation with them, you tell them to get their finger out of the bloody light socket!" That was honestly the first time I realised that what makes an exceptional leader, or indeed parent, is knowing which is which; when to take the soft or direct approach. Balance is required lest we create a rebellious little shit or a complete whimp (and yes, I'm referring to both actual children as well as our 'inner' child). Looping back to granting ourselves permission and administering that higher degree of self-care, what are we if not parents to ourselves? 

Our 'Higher-Selves,' AKA our 'Whole-Selves,' coach and manage the little shit that is our tiny human egos... keeping it in check, but also giving it some grace when needed; BALANCED. ⚖🐇

Creating neither resentment through unjust punishment by our inner critic, nor enabling insidious disempowerment through a lack of self accountability.  Holding ourselves to the appropriate standard for the given situation, considering information from Head, Heart, Body and Spirit. BALANCED. ⚖🐇

I caught myself pondering this new-found theory in my journal the next day without realising it...

"The other side of permission... Why might we feel guilt, yet it's NOT about self-punishment, or beating ourselves with the naughty stick labeled 'I've shouldn't have done that!' or 'I should've done that!'?

Two Examples to Consider: 

1) Sunday morning I slept in until 8am, effectively missing my Tarot reflection time

2) Sunday night I had an all-out binge, giving into that insatiable hunger I feel every night before I go to sleep (which mysteriously disappears by morning, without fail)

At first I thought, 'Ah, a chance to practice permission without guilt!' Effectively, permission = GOOD, guilt = BAD, and by-so-doing completely contradicted what I F*ing wrote in The Snake Pit. In that emotional masterpiece I asserted that there are no 'good' or 'bad' emotions, yet here are these engrained false beliefs, deep within my subconscious, at play in real time. How exciting!? 

But how did I work this out, notice it, sense this critical contradiction? Why, elementary my dear Watson! (but not really) After much back and forth in my analytical mind, which doesn't feel quite so grating as I'm learning to see it as mental exercise and how I work through this shit, it struck me that I felt disappointed in missing my normal 5am tarot and coffee session because I love that ritual! I also felt especially shitty Sunday night when I couldn't sleep because I'd overslept the previous night. That wasn't the only factor affecting my Z's however, since the massive amount of sugar I 'permitted' myself to eat just before bed made my heart pound which always makes drifting off difficult. I awoke, or arose rather, the next morning feeling really f*ing grumpy and without my normal zeal for coffee and a workout. 

Overall, there was plenty of  feedback (not failure!) to reflect on:

• I felt guilty (head)
• I felt disappointed (heart)
• I felt agitated and not rested (body)
• I felt dispassionate (spirit)
• I felt confused by the fact that I'd done nothing wrong yet authentically wasn't happy or at peace with the decisions I'd made (all together now!)

Isn't it possible then, like a good parent, my 'whole-self' intuitively knows what's best for my mental and physical health? That instead of being a self-punisher, I'm transitioning into a self-parenting phase? 

Hilariously, I reached this conclusion while thinking of the parents who PERMIT their kids to chain smoke cigarettes and/or get rip-roaring drunk. In both scenarios, the kid is likely to puke their brains out and consequently abstain from such activity again.... at least for a while 😅. Like the time mom came to pick me up when I was having a panic attack from smoking too much pot. She never said a word, yelled at me or punished me; she just let me eat an entire cake and watch TV with extreme tunnel vision, high as I please. She understood that the terror I experienced taught me better than she ever could. I can't say that I never smoked pot again, but I sure as shit never smoked and tried to drive again, which was an improvement!

If I hadn't noticed the guilt and disappointment, I'd never have worked this out or learned more about myself. Because of my past proclivity for self-punishment, I'm slow to TRUST myself when I hear "I should get up early," or "I shouldn't eat three pieces of cheesecake before bed," mistaking the punisher for a wise parent who is only looking out for what is best for me. So no, it's not as simple as I'd like it to be, but life never is! Wisdom is the ability to choose what's best in any given moment regardless of conditioning or my past. Wisdom is trusting that I have my own back, that all the parts of me are on the same team and have a vested interest in keeping myself both alive and well.

If nothing else, it reminded me to practice what I preach! Oh the embarrassment of discovering I assert 'there are no bad emotions' in one article, then while working on another observing myself calling guilt 'a prick'.... humbling! But, as always, I remain grateful. What a lesson! A lesson in true permission, both sides of it. A lesson in self-responsibility, balanced and agile decision-making."

Stepping back to the more 'practical' present, one more shift was still to come. One that inspired further philosophical contemplations about the kind of parent I wanted to become, in contradiction to the dictator I had been, to my developing fragile human consciousness.

The Sequence:
1. One-part thought-provoking Facebook quote:

2. A million-parts BULLSHIT from ongoing issues encapsulated in a particular current life 'situation' (I'll leave it at that, but it boiled down to continually failing to be 'enough' for someone in a power-position over me though I was authentically trying my best to deliver on their expectations... both f*ing exhausting and disempowering!).

3. Two-parts deeper insight into my inner shadow and how shadow-casting has partly landed me in said situation. Something I also elude to in my Podcast about Compassion.

4. A dash of yet another Facebook quote:

And 'Abracadabra!' one superb epiphany materialises: The way I feel in this 'situation,' the sensations of wicked worthlessness, inescapable inadequacy, and disgusting disempowerment I'm experiencing (yet blaming on someone else), is PRECISELY how I used to MAKE MYSELF FEEL... back in the days when every moment needed to be accounted for, when I constantly demanded so much of myself, when I had to prove that every effort added value, when I couldn't relax and needed to be medicated for anxiety (yet couldn't figure out why...IRONY😅). When I NEVER allowed myself to just be, be myself, unconditionally and with legitimate acceptance. 

Like a flash of transcendental self-actualising lighting, I saw it all... years, hell decades, of disconcerting self-torture made perfect sense. 💖🙏🐇

I'm still only about 68.6% of the way there... I'm still healing and learning the BALANCE to which I aspire. There are still points when I tell myself I've wasted a whole heap of time because I didn't achieve X, Y or Z, times when I feel guilty; but the fact that I'm now aware of these thoughts, emotions and behaviours, can both LEARN and LAUGH at myself instead of turning that guilt into constant regret, is amazing progress! I know what being a good parent looks and feels like now, even if the only child I'll ever have is my own gorgeously flawed, perfectly imperfect, obstinate little shit of a tiny human ego-self. 

Original Publication Date 12 January 2020, Revised 05 March 2023