Falling Down The Rabbit Hole

A change. No, not simply a change, a fundamental shift. How am I ever to articulate the transition from who I was, to who I am, to becoming who I’m meant to be? A future version of me I've not met yet, teeming with the potential of the unknown... How can anyone for that matter? Is not the culmination of these transitions called life; our own personalised evolution as Human beings? And how do we really know these various iterations of ourselves anyway? Are we what we think? How we feel? What we do? Or some baffling combination of the three? What lay hidden beyond our wakeful minds that we couldn't fathom in our wildest dreams? 🐇🤯💣🐇

And so my hyper-analytical mind has obviously not left me, but I process what I’ve experienced over the last 15 months by creating an entirely new blog since my musings have moved away from hard science into a Universe where everything and anything is possible, as I embrace the weird and wonderful. Here I'll begin to explore the staggeringly complicated interactions between all that resides within the human complex: Mind, Body, Spirit and everything in between. Why? Well, because undertaking this expedition has somehow morphed me from chronic people pleaser, anxiety-ridden rage-o-holic, control-freak extraordinaire, dry-drunk addict, starving myself into senility due to an unhealthy relationship with fear and food, confused cyclone of once-suppressed emotions, to the healing mess of a compost heap that I am now and whom I love dearly. So many times during my life I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be... I was a tumbleweed, too afraid to lay roots, blown about by life's gusts and the wind of other people’s emotions. An insecure young gypsy without boundaries or self worth; my inner compass spinning wildly as if stationed at the Bermuda Triangle.

 

But I’m getting ahead of myself, as I do. I started Analytical Ramblings of a Scientific Mind because I threw myself into self-facilitated Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) after the end of my first major relationship and needed a way to linearise all the light bulbs it started setting off in my mind. I somehow knew I needed to change if I was going to repair my life and build healthy connections with the world and people in it. But F*$! if life hadn't dealt me some blows! Traumas that created entrenched self-defeating thoughts, emotions and behaviours I was hopeless to heal until I learned how to own them. I wasn't ready to undertake said healing, however, as I was only into the first layer of the onion. My internal relationship was still a bit rubbish so despite everything I'd written about and learned from my CBT, I repeated the cycle in another romantic affair about six years later. F&*#-ing BLEAK!

So guess what, this blog comes into fruition for the same reasons as the first; another ending leads to a beginning. I'm an onion layer deeper!... And, here's hoping there is no third (but there definitely will be). 😅💩🙏

Ever the perfectionist, at first this all had me feeling more than a bit embarrassed. WTF?! Hadn’t I learned? Hadn’t I changed? Hadn’t I already been through this BULLSHIT? How the hell could I have allowed another broken relationship to happen?! Ironically my vocation at the time as an instructor in lean manufacturing principles and effective problem solving led me to the obvious conclusion... I had addressed the direct causes of my underlying issues (i.e., the first onion layer), but not the root causes; the deeply seated patterns in my hard-wiring that made my life a groundhog day of what felt like life kicking me in the methaphorical nuts. Where would I find the strength to undertake another eye-watering layer?

I needed a passageway, like my previous CBT resource, some process to follow... and judgment be damned, what resonated with me at that fateful time was Tarot. I'm not going to bother delving into what Tarot is and isn't, it's a topic I get rather heated about if anyone ever wants to offer me a long black and let me rant for an hour. Hell, I couldn't even put a link to 'Tarot' because everything the internet has to say about it rightously enrages me. 🤦😂💭🙋

I can only say it’s not something I'd recommend for those leery of painstaking introspection. Imagine 'boot camp' for people with a high degree of self-awareness and emotional empathy, or perhaps a ‘school of hard knocks’ for developing healers. Summarily it was three parts magic, one part practicality and eights parts confrontation of my inner shadows (i.e., those shitty qualities which promote a sense of shame). It was a combination of starting an epic adventure facilitated by The Fool, reading books that spoke to my Spirit and introduced me to mind-blowing concepts, and exploring the emerging topic of emotional intelligence (EQ) through a series of leadership courses offered through my work. During this time I made shocking discovery after shocking discovery about myself. I found my aforementioned self-awareness had been a double-edged sword, a weapon I repeatedly misused. Instead of wieldlng it to cut back and free myself of the cobwebs spun by self-sabotaging brain spiders, I cut myself by dealing blows of chronic mistrust and self-punishment. I'd still be bleeding if it hadn't been this Tarot-inspired pilgrimage of internal exploration, and the conscious choice of self-acceptance.

It’s been an absolute whirlwind of significant changes. Indeed, the person who is sitting down with my laptop now may look the same, but I am a completely different person. I’ve learned how to get out of my Head and into my Body, Heart and Spirit, living a more integrated and whole way of being. BALANCED. The overall effect has led to a kind of freedom; freedom to be my true unconventional Self, unapologetically. Welcome to the Rabbit Hole! 🐇

It’s now about asking the tough questions, shining the light inwards to find the answers by expanding our awareness; at times methodically turning the subconscious into the conscious, and at other times going completely on innate intuition. It’s also about coming to terms with the fact that sometimes there are no answers, and we need to get on with life despite the uncomfortable void that uncertainty leaves behind. Most importantly, it’s about tackling that most elusive of self-development topics: learning to restore our internal relationship and attain authentic love within; I say 'restore' because we damn-sure weren't born hating ourselves! Elucidating the path to finding our unadulterated-selves, which it is not a path of sunshine and daisies necessarily. Traversing this terrain takes serious courage and a genuine willingness to confront the nastiest parts of ourselves and show them some love. 😈😇

I write with aspirations of expanding the awareness of others using the same tools that have helped me: relatable yet poignant stories, sensible and effective analogies, and above all, a relentless sense of irony and humour! For maximum absorption, please read with an open and reflective mind, asking ourselves the meaningful questions: Why do I think that way? Why do I feel that way? Why did I do that?

Lean-In. Go gently. 🐇💖🙏

Taking the leap into this inquisitive mindset requires bravery, a bit of foolishness, risk-taking, and a willingness to tackle our own bullshit and self-imposed limitations. Remaining a victim of luck and circumstance is easy, feels safe, and gives us an excuse to maintain status quo; a dismal place wherein we blame others for our own unhappiness. As painful as its' been at times, I'm eternally grateful to have outgrown that mindset enough to see the value in this nutty quest, to propel me ever-forward.

Original Publication Date 07 December 2018, 11 June 2023