[NOTE: If the thought of reading this entire article is daunting, skip down to the colourful equation below and what follows. There's a message I would really love everyone to think about.]
"... I'm starting to lose the plot, and I'm not consciously sure why. I get up, workout, go to work [in the spare room], go for walks with my husband... all the shit I normally did yet something is changing. I'm spiralling with calorie control, I don't feel like writing, reading, meditating, running or doing other things I know are good for my mental health. Even now, I had to make myself stop playing on Pogo to write. Something, oh something, is definitely amiss. I also don't sleep well every night. I'll often wake up at 3am and just start my day cuz I'm not sure what else to do.
I've tried planning, I've tried finding comfort in the math around what I burn versus what I eat... still, something eludes me and I'm gonna need the Universe's help to suss it out. No doubt it'll have something to do with control... it always does. Or perhaps it's because it's now been 2 weeks of isolation and though I've gone without seeing people for long time periods, it's never been quite this long before. My brain is starting to understand that something is wrong. Perhaps... just perhaps.
It's like being trapped, stuck in my normal routine in an entirely different way; a terrifying way. The clue that I have little motivation to do what normally 'plugs me in' is a hint that I'm avoiding finding or confronting whatever is bugging me. I don't feel well enough to run the 14km I was aiming at, but I can do 7km dammit or plop my ass on the bike for awhile. I can run with this, mull it over, dig deep... what am I afraid of? Getting fat is too easy, it's something else. Loss of connection with people? This isolation is indeed disturbing human's natural order of community; is my caveman DNA feeling this isolation in a way my 21st century DNA can't understand?... Feels like there's something there..."
And with these thoughts drifting amongst my brain matter I set out for my jog. Many things came and went, but what resonated most strongly were two sentiments: one, acknowledging the grief I feel for the way life used to be, and two, regarding how such significant life changes impact our human psyche.
And though it seems odd, I realise that I am in fact grieving; we likely all are whether we're aware of it or not. To think that life can return to how it used to be is a fantasy, a lie we tell ourselves to cope. THanks to an invisible virus, how the World operates has literally gone ass-over-end and we're treading boundaries we didn't even know existed. The term used, which is apt, is 'building the plane while flying it.' There are plenty of examples, but my favourites are redefining who are society's essential workers (because they're not necessarily the people who are compensated the most), and ironically returning to an older way of life but with the technical infrastructure of this social-media-driven, completely bizzarre, age. An interesting mix of families staying home, cooking meals, going for walks and pursuing new creative endeavours, while also able to stay connected to friends, family and loved ones outside of their physical bubble via video calling, Facebook and/or Twitter updates, Insta and Snapchat.... Hell, even email is now considered ancient technology.
Sure, there are heaps of negative examples as well, but has dwelling on negative shit ever really helped anyone? I did a lot of self-development work to ditch my negative mindset, and I'm sure as hell not going back! The fact remains however, that as a population we're in limbo; a state of transition that is extremely uncomfortable. We're grieving the old way of life, in isolation, and may not necessarily have a safe outlet for that grief or healthy coping mechanisms... as a result many people are turning to comfort/boredom eating and gaining weight. I, however, turn to exercise and deal with the consequences mentioned in italics above accordingly 😅😬. Nothing is as it was, nor can the way we're living now go on forever 😷. What life will look like on the other side is an unknown, and a vast majority of humans don't deal well with uncertainty. I know I'll put my hand up 🙋, especially given my previous struggles with anxiety.
As a scientist, I see it as an equation:
[Uncertainty about the future] +
[Insecurities and fear for our survival/way of life] +
[Feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness] =
(like buying copious amounts of toilet paper, or my own version of panic-buying)
 |
| Growing Pains... something I've ruminated about previously. |
This brings me to the second point, the effect of significant change on people. In the Tarot there's a card of much significance that is about life's big changes called The Tower, and the picture on the card explains it all. One day lightening strikes and breaks down what we thought we knew about our lives. People fall, buildings crumble (all metaphorically speaking, of course) and we're left in stunned silence wondering how the f*$@ we're going to pick up the pieces. It leaves us with the confronting question of what's worth rebuilding or if we have the inner strength to make a start. When this card comes up in a reading I open up the conversation by asking about choices, because change gives us all a choice:
- Be a victim to it, and succumb to sensations of helplessness and disempowerment... F&*#-ing BLEAK!
- Put on those Superman/Superwoman underwear and lean the f*#@ in! Put that cape on and fly bitches!
Importantly, we're all entitled to about 10-15 minutes of state #1 (i.e., victim state), it's an essential component of the grieving process. After we've had a sufficiently festive pity-party 🎉 however, it's time to flex those adaptive resilient muscles and start rebuilding. Even better, we now have new insights and perspectives with which to rebuild; wiser from the pain, we can build a stronger foundation! 💪
Most people find transitioning from state #1 (victim) to state #2 (ass-kicker) difficult as they can't see the choice or even understand what is causing their discomfort and pain. Time spent in intentional self-reflection is what helps me, and it's as simple as what I did above: write in my journal, go for a jog and mull shit over... look what happened! Sure, I'm still uncomfortable. I'm still not happy about the situation, but everyone can be damned sure this girl is making lemonade from these lemons! (And by lemonade, I mean gin and tonics with lemons in them 😂)
See you on the other side friends!
Original Publication Date 05 April 2020, Revised 21 November 2022
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