Selfish Survivor

'I've been thinking a lot about selfishness lately, a quality I've always despised because I grew up keenly aware of this trait in my parents. But straight off the bat I remind myself that it's just not that simple. Sure, I perceived copious amounts of selfishness in them, depriving me of the time, attention and toys that I wanted... but what of my parents' intent? I'm 99% certain they never intended to act selfishly, and 101% certain they did everything within their means; surely that counts for something!? And it does... it allows me to both let go of resentments I may find myself holding against them (be they conscious or subconscious), and become aware of why I don't like selfishness in general. Oh dear, my mind just fell down a rabbit-hole... 🐇🐇🐇

... True, at times I downright despise selfishness, curse the types of people who cut in lines or drive like maniacs trying to get ahead one measly car length. Those people who refuse to share at restaurants because they want to pay for only their own portion. And what of the liars? More and more I feel lying is a uniquely horrid form of selfishness, people withholding the truth that we all deserve. Selfish Bastards! There's just something about selfishness, I f*&$ing hate it (and I don't take that word lightly). It disgusts me... which is precisely why I absolutely berate myself when I notice that I'm being selfish... just like the people I 'can't stand'... 💡💣

I never intend to be selfish though! I'm always supremely calculating, considering my own needs and also considerate of others, weighing the psychological and emotional costs and benefits before making a decision. I try my best to find the happy medium. But, ah, and here's the main (or at least one main) factor... Nobodies 'karmic' scales are calibrated like mine! There will inevitably be times when others will see my actions and/or decisions as selfish no matter how much I attempt to seek a balance in 'fairness.' No one else grew up the way I did, went on the hair-raising roller coaster thrill ride of my life the way that I did... 

Loop 1: Debilitating Anxiety! Panic! WORRY!! 😰💩

Loop 2: Extreme Weight Loss! Addiction to Exercise! Eating Disorder!! 🍗

Loop 3: Moving from place to place, never able to settle down... Never content... 👎

Loop 4: Blissful Marriage, only to be followed by crushing separation. 💔

Inclusive is every imaginable twist and turn in between. All shaping the way I think, feel, act and behave; modifying my entrenched values and underlying ethos. All informing that calculation and how my scales are calibrated. 

I may not like it, and don't, but to others I'd definitely seem selfish... particularly with my time. I swing between being true to myself and my own needs, not caring if/how it impacts others, to feeling horrifically guilty and beating myself up; like a confused Tarzan haphazardly weaving from vine to vine, constantly banging into shit that causes existential pain. Again, not quite able to accept myself and trust that I'm making the right decision because I'm constantly trying to decide, not just for me, but for everyone else to avoid appearing selfish... F*%@ that's hard work! Exhausting actually... So can I learn to trust myself? Be at peace with my intention and allow others to perceive me as a selfish bitch from time to time because I'll never be able to control how others think and feel with regards to my actions? The answer is yes... maybe... sometimes... it depends. AAhhh-ahh-ee-ahhh!(Tarzan call 😅)... ah, FFS... 😣

What constitutes a selfish act anyway? What drives them? I've given it considerable thought and I feel that we Humans are hardwired for selfishness because we're hard-wired for survival. We do what we need to do to survive, sometimes subconsciously without even realising it! We're also inherently egotistical, self-centered (yes, even the most humble amongst us... unless we're in denial 🤔😅). I've finally realised it's not something to be ashamed of; awareness is enough, so I can keep it in check, so it doesn't railroad my relationships. If some downtime is what I feel I need to survive my current circumstance then, yes, I'll blow off my friends to sit alone in a park and stare at a tree and I won't feel bad about it either. Also, if I know I need to save some money, tighten the belt for awhile and I don't have enough money for frivolities, then I'll seem selfish and stingy like one of those dreaded 'non-sharers' I so avidly dislike, for-shame(!)... but no, if it's what I feel is right, then fair enough!

This selfish survivalism may become still more pronounced as someone shifts from a victim mindset to a survival mindset. Say someone has been victimised, repeatedly 'punished' for being overly honest (typically psychologically... picked on, mocked, publically set down, avoided, etc.). To 'survive,' appear 'normal.' they start withholding the truth or even lying. It works so they continue beating that drum, refining the skill, because they have convinced themselves (again, likely subconsciously) that it's essential to their survival (socially). 

Here's my own rather bleak example... All I ever wanted was attention. As a child I felt neglected, so I gave and gave and gave everything to everyone; time, money, anything. What I FELT I typically got in return was rejection (perceived?... probably, but not always), but more often I was simply taken advantage of (didn't realise it at the time of course 👀)... without wholly realising it, I became cold, sheathed in rock-hard ice to protect myself. Add to that childhood obesity and semi-conscious over-compensation for self-consciousness (woah), and ABRACADABRA... Overtime I grew mean, jaded, callous. I made people cry for my own amusement, carried a notebook overflowing with ready-made insults. Because I learned to read people more easily than I can read books, my words were targeted and poignant, puncturing people precisely where their insecurities lay hidden (or so they thought)... I became a bully. 

Those who know me now would never guess that about me, I've evolved since then, but I did it to survive the circumstances that my constant attention-seeking and fear of being called fat had manifested. I'm working hard on melting that permafrost still now; I do so deliberately, carefully and in full awareness of;

1) Why I thickened it to begin with, to avoid getting screwed over by people I shouldn't trust, and/or giving away my precious mental, emotional and physical energy.

2) My tendency to be stingy with my resources because I now expect people to take advantage of me, or reject me in some way. 

I've had to re-learn to trust others and, most of all, rebuild my own sense of worth in healthier ways. That process very much involved thinking about selfishness differently, and softening the harsh judgments of both my past behaviours and the behaviours of others.

Phew! Quite a deep rabbit-hole this one... For now, I'll practice giving others the benefit of the doubt next time I catch myself thinking 'what a selfish prick!,' remembering they did what they felt they had to do for themselves and their sense of survival. Trusting that it must have felt right to them, even if it felt wrong to me. We'd do well to remember that sense of compassion so that we can treat ourselves the same way. Yes, I may at times act selfishly and/or be perceived as selfish; but so long as I'm at peace with my intention, do my best to strike a BALANCE, then I can accept my choice and the perception, hell even judgment, of others.

Original Publication Date 05 December 2020, Revised 18 March 2023