Before I entirely give away where I'm headed let's discuss a fun fact... damn are we decision-making machines! The daily (hell, second-ly) decisions we make both consciously and subconsciously weave the fabric of our realities. So many decisions...where we direct our thoughts, how we express our emotions, and of course, our actions and/or reactions; the latter being the predominant form unfortunately, since we often condition ourselves to do the same things over and over again. Even in the face of mounting evidence that our tactics aren't always overly helpful or successful (i.e., my 25 year habit of frivolous control). 😅
If we’re to break these re-action cycles, first we need to become aware of why we typically think, feel and act in those ways, listen to the stories we're telling ourselves subconsciously then consciously challenge and override them. We'll also need to recognise which repetitive choices have not served us well in the past, so we can be 'on the look out.' 👀👆 Even small changes in our habitual decisions lead to significant life alterations over time, and it allows us to guide ourselves into a more enjoyable human experience, one in which we can feel proud of ourselves and our choices instead of pissed off and disappointed, or worse still... hopeless and helpless. Expanding our awareness of what sits underneath our choices creates the shades of grey between our otherwise black and white decision-making (Yes/No, Go/No Go, etc.). It’s within these shady areas we’ll now explore the subtle nuances between making no choice and choosing to do nothing. 🐇🐇🐇
Making No Choice
I can think of two main reasons why someone would make no choice at all, but I’m hopeful others will think of many of their own (if so, let me know! 🙏).
To the first point, one tangible example is feeling miserable and/or dispassionate about our work/job/career, experiencing one of more of the following: Feeling intellectually under-stimulated and/or unable to express our creativity (Head), displeasure in our work relationships with managers and/or colleagues (Heart), or generally sensing that its unsafe to our true selves in that environment and unable to thrive (Gut). Nevertheless, we stay for conventional reasons, all of which weave a tangled web of conflict between our 'brains'... Financial risk, sense of achievement it gives us (ironically even if/when we don't really like the nature of the work), inconvienence of starting over, uncertainty about what we actually want to do, lack of confidence in ability, feeling needed by boss/peers/reports/clients, etc., time investment to-date (including education), thinking it's 'normal' to dislike work... and all the other excuses we tell ourselves. We’re stuck. 'Stuck-ness' moves into feeling trapped, powerless. Things keep ticking along day in and day out, fluctuating between tolerable and tiresome, but our confusion and reasons for staying prevent us from deciding to change the situation.
Choosing To Do Nothing
Now it's time to explore the counterpoint of choosing to do nothing, and its a simple as it reads, no magic surprises... "But that's still point #2!", some might argue... Ah, indeed, but only to the untrained eye. It's the conscious choice to do nothing, intentionally. To let the cards play out exactly how they were dealt, in full awareness that there are risks to taking no action at all. Had the bloke in the fable had made the choice to do nothing, consciously, he sure as shit wouldn't have been surprised to find himself at those pearly gates; he'd have anticipated that was one of the risks of his fateful choice and he would've owned that decision instead of blaming God for not saving his sorry ass. 😉♱
Other images come to mind of parents yelling at kids to tidy their rooms, or partners barking about the dishes in the sink, or pet owners frustratingly asserting that their furr-baby has been a very bad boy/girl! Obviously this mode of communicative reprimand doesn’t work for any species, otherwise the stimuli would cease to exist, the issues resolved. The undesired behaviours persist, yet we choose the same methods time and again knowing they won't produce the results we seek. 🤔❔
If we’re to break these re-action cycles, first we need to become aware of why we typically think, feel and act in those ways, listen to the stories we're telling ourselves subconsciously then consciously challenge and override them. We'll also need to recognise which repetitive choices have not served us well in the past, so we can be 'on the look out.' 👀👆 Even small changes in our habitual decisions lead to significant life alterations over time, and it allows us to guide ourselves into a more enjoyable human experience, one in which we can feel proud of ourselves and our choices instead of pissed off and disappointed, or worse still... hopeless and helpless. Expanding our awareness of what sits underneath our choices creates the shades of grey between our otherwise black and white decision-making (Yes/No, Go/No Go, etc.). It’s within these shady areas we’ll now explore the subtle nuances between making no choice and choosing to do nothing. 🐇🐇🐇
Making No Choice
I can think of two main reasons why someone would make no choice at all, but I’m hopeful others will think of many of their own (if so, let me know! 🙏).
- Utter chaos and conflict between two or more of our three ‘brains’/intelligence centres. It would be folly to argue against the hypothesis that healthy choices are balanced choices. The Head analysing possible outcomes and accounting for risks, the Heart directing our intentions and desires, and the instinctual Gut pushing us away from 'danger' while pulling us towards 'safety.' Personally for a bit of whimsy I include considerations for the Spirit-based, fire-driven, passions as well, but I prefer to leave the source and meaning of these sacred for each individual.
- An ‘It’ll be fine’ attitude, or what I also like to think of as 'Ostrich Syndrome,' wherein we stick our heads in the ground and pretend that the shit around us isn’t happening. Call it naivete or denial, either way in that position our behinds are magnificantly exposed and life eventually kicks our ass hard enough to force us out of those states. Amazingly, some of us continue to dig still-deeper, then act surprised when another swift kick inevitably comes back around... Sheer. F&*$ing. Insanity.
Here’s another classic, relationships. Whether it's a friend, family member or romatic partner, we often find ourselves in precarious relationship situations. Things may not be great but they're not bad either. There may be signs and urges to seek other opportunities or cut ties and detach, yet we stay either out of a fear of loneliness, hesitancy to re-enter the dating game, thinking we're not good enough for someone with the attributes we really want, and/or inability to overcome the compelling Sunk Cost logical fallacy. Particularly with family, a hefty sense of obligation holds us in place, putting up with toxic situations because that's what's expected.
Our hearts long to be needed and wanted, valued, while our heads are starved for deep and meaningful conversations or a witty laugh. Our gut cautions against various and subtle forms of abuse (including self-infliction!), while our Spirit's inner flame flickers without the fiery passion or deeper connection that continually fuels the 'give and take' energy required for all relationships. But there we are, making no choice to leave... waiting for the next moment of reprieve or promise that things will change to get us through. 
Right, who's well and truly depressed at this point?! Yes, me too, and there's a reason! Because this shit is BLEAK!, and because each and every one of us knows exactly what this feels like. The paralysis created when we can't sort out what we want to do or what we should do is indeed a wretched place. It's a place we can survive, at best... but not forever. Fate is a real thing, and it kicks our ass into gear when we fail to act on the signs that something needs to shift. I'm so thankful, because this is exactly what drove me to work towards aligning my head, heart and gut for the sake of my overall wellbeing.
To the second point, I've often found myself more than a little miffed with the common Kiwi adage 'She'll be right mate!', an assumption that everything will work out without any intervention. Admittedly, this perspective has successfully converted my control-freak stressed-out tendency to a much more relaxed attribute, as I learn to trust the people and society around me as well as believe in my resilience and ability to overcome adversity. I'm no longer completely ashamed to say this literally took years of practice, and trial and error. 😅🧪
Yes, sometimes it's better to trust in help from others or give the situation time to become clearer, get more data, and allow things beyond our control to sort themselves out. Those things within our control (attitude, decisions, intentions, etc.), however, deserve conscious consideration at the very least; at that pivotal point we can make the choice to do nothing.
To clarify this boundary, I recall one of my favourite fables:
To clarify this boundary, I recall one of my favourite fables:
There once was a God-fearing man who refused to leave his home despite rapidly rising flood waters. As the rain pissed down and the wall of water climbed higher, he got out onto his roof clinging to his belief that God alone would save him.
His neighbor came by in a boat, urging him to come aboard, but he refused asserting that 'God will save me.' Unable to convince him otherwise, the neighbor rowed away to safety.
The water grew still higher and swifter, then a helicopter came to pluck the man off the roof and deliver him to shelter. But the man waved it away, staunchly proclaiming that 'God will deliver me from this crisis' and that he intended to wait and hold that faith.
Finally, the flood water overtook the roof from underneath the man and he met his damp demise. In front of the pearly gates of Heaven, he asked God why he had failed to save him, to which God replied "I sent a f*#%ing boat AND a helicopter, what else could I have done?!"
Choosing To Do Nothing
Now it's time to explore the counterpoint of choosing to do nothing, and its a simple as it reads, no magic surprises... "But that's still point #2!", some might argue... Ah, indeed, but only to the untrained eye. It's the conscious choice to do nothing, intentionally. To let the cards play out exactly how they were dealt, in full awareness that there are risks to taking no action at all. Had the bloke in the fable had made the choice to do nothing, consciously, he sure as shit wouldn't have been surprised to find himself at those pearly gates; he'd have anticipated that was one of the risks of his fateful choice and he would've owned that decision instead of blaming God for not saving his sorry ass. 😉♱
The line between these distinctions is indeed a fuzzy one; one that's nearly impossible to determine until we've gained both experiential wisdom and inner awareness through feedback (like when life gives us 🎁 or 🍋 or 💩) and purposeful reflection. Basically, it's elucidating the epic grey areas along the spectrum between the black and white binary extremes of our World. Anyway, to help wrap our brains around this concept, let's explore some reasons we might choose to do nothing (These are not real examples, they are my attempt to create general and relatable situations):
- I have a job... No, I don't love it and it's not what I ultimately want to do, but it only makes me want to jump off a bridge sometimes and it allows me to save enough money to one day branch out and do what I really want to do. I choose to stay, until such time as I'm ready to start said new venture. Most importantly, I remain grateful for the job, even when someone sends me an email that makes me want to put my fist through my computer, because I OWN the fact that I CHOOSE to stay, to do nothing at present. I fully understand that I could leave, forsake the money and security, as terrifying as that is... as unsensible and impractical as it seems... I am, nonetheless, capable of resignation. I am not trapped, not powerless, and I trust in my ability to provide for myself and my family without it. I could miraculously land on my feet, but for now I won't do a damn thing.
- I have a friend who drives me absolutely f*#!ing nuts at times, and whom I sometimes regret hanging out with all-together. They're prone to complaining about everything and anything under the Sun and it completely drains me. Despite every attempt I make to role-model cheerfulness, they seem to love bitching about their kids, job, spouse, people at the grocery store who move too slowly, or how their favourite contestant was voted off the island and how unfair it was... I've thought about cutting them out of my life, but we've been friends for so long. I don't need to explain what I've been through with them, they were there, they know. Besides, isn't part of being a good friend accepting each other for who we are? Maintaining compassion, creating a safe space where we can have a bit of a pity party without adverse judgment? 🥳 Perhaps it would even serve me well to consider the shit I do that ruffles their feathers as well, or why their dreariness bugs me so much, as appalling as that sounds. So I'll do nothing, because I'd rather keep them in my life than lose them for reasons I'm not entirely convinced are just.
The common themes here are that we're willing to do nothing, take no observable action. Wait, slow down, take a risk, consider what lies hidden underneath, put up with a bit of strife to get more data until we get either a logical or intuitive cue to act, ensuring the decision involved is healthy, heartfelt and whole.
There is also an odd sort of liberation in 'letting go and letting God.' And, if the concept of giving that control over to the Universe is too uncomfortable since it's decidedly Spiritual in nature, think of it simply as the conscious decision to not intervene and just see what happens. An experiment! Not with the naivete that accompanies the 'Ostrich Syndrome,' having failed to consider the reprocussions of making no choice and leaving our asses very much exposed for a rightous-kicking, but with a twinkle of playful curiousity. ✨🧚
Ironically, whether we make no choice or choose to do nothing, both can be transformative when embraced as learning opportunities if/when shit blows up in our face and we abstain from the allure of blame. This realisation struck me hard at some point during my evolution, and it led to the creation of my #1 Life Principle: "I Learn With a Grafetful Heart." Despite the plot twists life throws my way, no matter the pain I endure, instead of feeling like a victim of luck; I remain open to the lessons life holds. Should we be so fortunate as to wrap our tiny human brains and egos around this concept and embody it, we effectively detach ourselves from the outcome of our choices and decisions like those funky Buddhists are always going on about... Freeing, but also unbelievably difficult without a hell of a lot of practice, for me in the form of trust-falls!
Original Publication Date 05 June 2023
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