Page of Cups

TRIGGER WARNING: This post touches on aspects of my Disordered Eating and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Please proceed with kindness and compassion for everyone's sake. 

The Page of Cups rarely comes to me in its upright position! Being well versed in the reversed meaning... deep underlying trauma and the need to heal so as to avoid projectile vomiting my own bullshit onto everyone else like a total asshole. I can only suppose that the 'work' I've done over the years has started to bear fruit. In one word, I feel POTENTIAL. The image is one of celebration, heartfelt admiration for the richness that emotions bring to our lives. Indeed, we can be prisoners to them or liberated by them... it's our choice.

To be honest, I needed this card this morning, as I sit with a sated shadow full of chips, chocolates and guilt from last night's binge. I just wanted all the trigger food in this house gone once and for good. A twisted act of deliverance, perhaps... I actually tossed out some of the chips and kept about three chocolates for later, so I did show some restraint... which I choose to be proud of dammit! I also TRUST myself and my body to rebalance... and there's the fact that if I gain a bit of weight, so f*&#ing what?! And just in those sentiments, I see the reinforced importance of choosing to align with the healthier thoughts rather than the dysfunctional thoughts...

For me, this card is about healthy choices, choosing to 1) identify and 2) celebrate the emotions that serve me well instead of dwelling on the negatives, disappointments, fear, worry, etc. It's a choice, and it's a f*&#ing hard one to be sure! But thankfully I've practiced making that choice enough for this card to arrive to me upright, which I certainly take as a win! I could wallow in self pity, beat myself up, be paranoid that fat will suddenly reappear all over my body, succumb to the fear that I'll never find my way out of this wretched eating disorder ... or I could accept I ate that food for a reason and rejoice that it's all gone (even if that reason was fuelled by compulsive thoughts). 

What enables me to focus on the healthier emotional choice of empowerment over punishment is understanding that having OCD that manifests itself as disordered eating doesn't make me less of a person or less worthy of love. It doesn't subtract from who I really am, it's just a characteristic that I have to try and manage from time to time, and continue to heal (and at this point, if I'm taking my own advice, I may - again - need professional help)... Even still, the scar may be permanent and may never go away, and the real test of my compassionate fortitude will be persisting in loving myself regardless, maintain radical self responsibility and esteem. There's also the fact that I'm positively f*&#ing sick of being mean to myself and I simply refuse to beat myself up anymore... 30+ years of data clearly demonstrates that it doesn't work!

The true meaning of this card in its upright position is 'a reminder that we can return to our natural state of innocence, playfulness and openness'... like a child before conditioning takes hold. Can I return to my pre-disordered eating state? Or, dare I ask, a state before neglect repeatedly broke my heart... leading to the slippery slope of self-abuse and mental ailments that abuse created? This card reminds me I've done a f*&# of a lot of excellent work already and I'm well aware of what's still to be done. In the meantime... I'm a good person with a good heart, good intentions, and raw determination... So I know I'll get there if it's what I genuinely desire; I can and will achieve whatever I set myself to, and that just might be the very definition of self-security.

Original Publication Date 04 February 2024