Volcanic Guilt

TRIGGER WARNING: This post touches on aspects of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Disordered Eating within the context of my marriage's demise. 😳

It is deeply vulnerable, brutally honest, contains a lot of unedited F-bombs and may be a bit F*&#-ing BLEAK on the whole (akin to listening to "I Know It's Over" by The Smiths 😅😭). I wrote this to sate my own need for healing as a way to express and process my grief. My intention is to openly share a very apt example of how profound emotional issues can lay submerged in our subconscious for prolonged periods of time, how they might present as elusive self-sabotaging behaviours, and to contemplate what the hell to do with them when they finally come bubbling up to the surface. 

I'm struggling and no mistake. I'd have to guess, based on last night's nightmare, that he took the booze and sowed that lie exactly one year ago and something deep within my psyche remembers even though the exact date was never verified. The nightmare helped awaken me to the fact that I feel he proverbially 'Spat in my face,' just completely rejected me... his act was an act of purposefully malicious sabotage of our marriage. He may as well have ripped up our marriage license, vows, pictures... everything... right in front of me and said "You're a psycho that I don't want to be with anymore." In committing that act he abandoned me, left me no choice, gave me no control, no options to better myself to save our marriage... 💡🐇💣

Fucking hell, that just made me realise how badly I blame myself for our marriage ending. 😱😵😭

And isn't that a fucking classic example of victim-blaming and my proclivity for refusing to see myself as a victim... I can't allow myself to be the victim. Instead, I make myself the villain, the control freak, the monster, the person no one in their right mind would want to be with... and by-so-doing, I punish myself, I sabotage, I undermine my basic values and literally de-value myself, obliterating my self esteem. Quite frankly, I intentionally scare the shit out of myself, I've been doing it for about a week now... How? One of my biggest triggers... fucking food... literally eating anything I can get my friggin' hands on and invoking the intense fear of weight gain. 😣💥🍪🎂🤢 

The majority of people would say "But some indulgence, especially during the holidays, is normal! What's the big deal Summer? Relax, it'll be fine." Yet only those with disordered binge eating who have fought this particularly horrendous mental illness can understand how truly dangerous it is. These behaviours harm my mind as much as my body, likely more-so given they fuel the very vicious cycle of imbalance, like a gently undulating sea turned into a torrent of turbulent swells. 🌊

Fuck, I DON'T DESERVE ANY OF THIS! So what the fuck do I do?! Is it as simple as becoming aware of these underlying false beliefs and calling BULLSHIT again and again until I believe the true version of the situation instead of my distorted and self-deprecating version? How do I stop blaming myself for the fact that someone... No, not just someone, the person I loved most in this world, who I made personal and material sacrifices for, who I stood beside when no one else would, who I gave a BIG second chance to when he'd betrayed me the first time with a relationship-shattering lie (well, more of a withheld truth / lie by omission)... crossed the line I had so very very clearly drawn in the sand. Metaphorically by committing this act, he looked me straight in the face and walked right over it. At that point I had to let go for my own good... and perhaps for his as well... I can't know, I don't have visibility to him anymore. 🤷🤔

No control, just a void where the wedding vow of "I Will" once occupied... I fucking hate lying... and now I'm a liar because one year ago I had to face the situation in front of me and say "I Won't," like the bleakest Meatloaf Song. The worst part is I can't even be pissed... I'm too sad, too devastated (even a year later) to be truly angry... Too shocked that he'd throw away an otherwise beautiful marriage, all for a lie... A lie he told to hide from his own shadows. 🙈🙉🙊

I've not been able to find these words until right now, this very moment, and I'm grateful for them... grateful for the sadness... my heart has been holding onto this for a long time and that's a heavy burden to bear. This heartache grew to a crescendo until it drove an insatiable hunger, a way for my Body to awaken my conscious mind to the latent grief that required attention. No, I am not wholly the victim in this situation and I won't pretend to be... I wasn't a perfect wife. I have OCD and other quirks that I can imagine being difficult to deal with day-in and day-out as a partner... but isn't that marriage?! To love someone despite their flaws? Fuck, maybe - potentially - even loving them because of their flaws?! That's what I tried to do for him... but we both failed I guess. Neither of us could accept each other's worst shadows when it came down to brass tacks... so fair enough. 👋

All I can say is that I'm proud of myself for being constantly, bluntly, vulnerably, transparent and utterly HONEST about my shadows. I KNOW them, OWN them, and educate my loved ones about them... They are me and I am them. Whole. I asked for help, support and encouragement when I could feel my inner asshole grow stronger if/when life stressors got too great to manage with my normal resilience habits. I never hid the monsters inside me, because over the last 10 years I've paused, reflected, dug deep, delved into my iceberg and explored myself. It was a hard and sometimes terrifying adventure, but eventually I taught myself how to love them, embrace them, view them as a superpower. For me, this was an essential part of healing and it's fucking gruelling work... so some people lie instead of taking accountability of their own demons... and people who can't be honest with themselves sure as shit can't be honest with others. 💩👀

I made it clear I couldn't be with that kind of person, someone without the courage to confront their own shadows. For the simple cost of open honesty, I'd do everything it took to ease the discomfort of that process and provide unfailing support, I'd forgive any slip so long as I knew about it before everyone else... but it was in vain. 

One year ago a choice was made... to lie. Unfortunately I'd suffered as many lies as I'm willing to suffer in this life already, I was tapped out... so I left. I left my home, my cat, my dreams of our future... I left and I've never looked back. After all that I'll be fucked if I'll continue to lie to myself! An unhealthy lie that my shadows ended our marriage... that I'm wholly to blame. Finally, A LIE I CAN CONTROL. So I will. 👌🖕😅

There's so much to be grateful for... I'm grateful for a timely heartfelt insight, so I can calm this self-inflicted subconscious internal anguish I've been unjustly enduring. 

Regardless, from the actual day, I've been thankful for these intuitive knowings: 💯

• I was happy in my marriage right up to the second I decided to leave
• I have ZERO REGRETS, it was worth the risk
• The pain of our separation enabled me to learn self-care on a whole new level; I dialled that shit up to expert-level 😂🏆
• I was happy in my singledom the second I decided to leave... thoroughly at peace with my discernment of the situation and it's long-term implications

Unconditional love is extraordinarily rare in this life, and I may not have gotten it from my marriage but I'll damn sure love myself that way because it's what I fucking DESERVE. It's what we all deserve. 🙏💖

Here it comes... the ugly cry 😭💔... and I'll celebrate every tear because fuck I earned this right, this release, to be free of this wretched guilt. I deserve to reclaim my worth and feel secure in myself... shadows and all.

I had my most trusted editor, my Sister, vet this article for me to ensure I wasn't being too overt with the message and that it flowed well... I found her insights rather wise and amusing. 💞😅🌋

I especially appreciate her analogy because it relates back to our Human Iceberg comparison... Whether by fire or ice, failing to expand our awareness and/or ignoring what lies deep within us is a dangerous game to play; we get burnt either way... Our triggers give us significant indications of what snakes lay within ready to strike us or others if we remain oblivious to ourselves. 🐍🐇😳

And on that cheerful note, a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! 😅🎄😇🎉

Original Publication Date 24 December 2023