Treacherous Triggers

A seemingly 'ordinary' coaching session threw me down a massive rabbit hole... 🕳🐇

I listened to my coachee with growing unease as they described a situation where they decided not to take an action they had agreed to during our previous coaching conversation, an action I believed was needed to address the otherwise vicious cycle they were on in their work situation. Ugh, how could I get them to see the error of their ways?! What question could I ask? I felt the fidgets come upon me, the pull of personal opinion, assumption, bias, judgment and all the other barriers to being a good coach. So I breathed, focused and LISTENED as they explained their underlying intentions and motivations. Sweet jesus, it was then I realised I had very nearly fell into the dangerous trap of influencing them to commit to an action I would have taken to address the issue… a way to ease my personal fidgets and triggers; something that wouldn’t allow them the autonomy they deserved, to address the issue in accordance with their values, to govern and own their decisions in a truly authentic way. There was a critical false premise in my fallible brain, a misperception... My coachee was not avoiding the situation, instead they sussed out an even better way around it, one that was far more worth their efforts and energy. 

It was at this point I took an existential moment to feast upon a piece of humble pie... considering myself an exceptional coach as I did... Yikes, this trigger could have subconsciously and recklessly shot my Higher Self's ambitions right in the f*%#ing foot! Those ambitions being to empower and coach others, build their confidence and sense of self-security 💪💖. This is especially true given The International Coaching Federation's (ICF) core competency for coaches.... 😅😳🍰

Despite my heartfelt good intentions, I would have inadvertently galvanised them to waste more of their precious energy because I wanted them to be free of the chains of their situation. I very nearly willfully misunderstood what my coachee was trying to accomplish. I barely escaped the detrimental coaching trap of force-feeding my coachee a pre-determined solution because their lack of action had triggered me: Avoidance, failing to face situations head-on... Yes, I can feel the Snakes wiggling even now... this is one of my triggers 🐍🥳. Why? Because if I had continued to avoid my own issues and bullshit I wouldn't have evolved into the person I am today. And, full disclosure, my husband's inability to do the same is why we're now divorced...💣💥💩

Back to the session... A re-alignment was in order! So I backtracked, apologised for my coaching mindset slip-up, and praised my coachee for doing what they felt was best to do, not what I felt was best, despite their previous commitment to action and observable nervousness that I would disapprove (as if my subjective and horrifically flawed opinions matter 😂🤷). Thankfully, I overcame my own trigger well enough to LISTEN to their new solution, which was indeed a much wiser investment of their energy, aligned to their family-oriented values. 💖

I value FREEDOM, and I'll fight like hell against perceived chains... whether they're placed around me by my own mind or by others. For me, avoidance is deliberately allowing those chains to persist and prevent us from reaching our true potential; an enigmatic form of self-sabotage. I can't suffer it! Can't even contemplate it! 😡🙉 And so, Houdini has nothing on me, when I sense avoidance I plow ahead and urge others to do the same. Consequences be damned, I'll loosen those chains come hell or high water, and save others from their own to-boot! I've operated this way for so long I've forgotten: 1) That's not how everyone else approaches life, and 2) This mode of being has not always served me well! 😏⛓💥👎

And yes, I'll indulge in another slice of that humble pie thank you, as my coachee's new approach also confrontingly pointed out how much of my own energy I waste fighting against the perceived chains of injustice instead of setting a higher ambition, and by-so-doing rising above the situation. This was an elegant display of my coachee transitioning from a survival mindset (my preferred mode, and aforementioned 'Houdini Syndrome') to a thriving mindset (a mode I aspire to operate from each and every day. I reckon I'm at about 68:32 Surviving:Thriving... a significant improvement from even five years ago!) 🏆

I’m so grateful that my well-practiced introspective consciousness voiced a gentle ‘ahem…’ and helped me realise what I’d almost done. Irony of ironies, I come to the mind-bending conclusion that serving myself, trying to address my underlying triggers by preventing them from being re-lived through the experiences of others, inhibits my ability to serve my larger purpose… To coach and empower others, enable them to ignite their inner light and use it to explore the scary depths of their iceberg, ameliorate their potential by expanding their self awareness and their impact on others, understand the direction of their moral compass and live true to their value, take ownership of their decisions, actions and outcomes, buffer themselves against the human logical fallacy of failure. There is no failure, only feedback! 🤯💡

Whoops, sorry, pardon me while I step off my soap box... 😂🙄 More succinctly, I found that serving my ‘Human Ego’ doesn’t serve my ‘Higher Self,’ the one aligned to focusing on and helping others, rather than getting bogged down in my own bullshit (which helps no one, least of all myself). 🐮🤠💩👌

It pays to highlight an important aspect of our triggers, they are based on our beliefs and values which are NOT what other people necessarily believe or value. When our entrenched ideals are tread upon by others, whether based in actual reality or our perception of a violation, the Snakes writhe as adrenaline is dumped into our bloodstream and we'll either fight, fly away or freeze in response. These beliefs and values originate from the mind-numbing amalgamation of our innate personality (i.e. the characteristics we are born with), our familial, societal and cultural conditioning, and our unique life experiences (NOTE: A younger version of myself referred to this as our FUF (F*^#ed-Up-Filter 😅). Still more fascinating is that the majority of our principles remain in our sub- or un-conscious, which is how we get triggered without understanding the 'WHY.' We re-act without considering how best to act. We are icebergs, strangers to ourselves... until we do the work. 🔧👷💞🩹

This is why I advocate so strongly for PAUSING when we notice these reactions, feel the heat generated by squirming snakes and adrenaline in our veins. Taking the chance to get curious about what lies within is the key to our inner Selves, it unlocks opportunities to improve our mindsets and elevates our emotional intelligence. Effectively, we'll melt some of the arctic ice, and tend to be less of an asshole in the process. 👍🙏😅🐇

What are your triggers? When do the Snakes kick up a stink?

What are your core values? 

What is your personal purpose?

What mindsets do you hold that serve you well? Which do not serve you well, and how might you shift them to benefit yourself and your loved ones?

Original Publication Date 10 December 2023