A colleague was making a tea in the kitchen while I mindlessly stirred my oatmeal and we struck up some chat, as humans do. I've no idea how we got on the topic, I actually don't think there was a lead-in, They just launched into it, boldly and a bit frustratedly (is that a word?) claiming that the adage 'everything happens for a reason' "is BULLSHIT".
Seriously, I googled 'Everything happens for a Reason' in search of a meme; and now I just really want to read this book!
While my own feelings and spirituality vehemently oppose this belief, I authentically enjoy understanding other people's perspectives so I asked them to elaborate... They explained that nothing happens for a reason, shit things happen simply because they do, there is no purpose or deeper meaning; that's a lie people feed themselves to make them feel better (which I do actually agree with)... And to top it off, that way of thinking underlines why religion exists... because people need something to believe in, and it's for suckers.
Though I didn't admit this to my colleague, the mere thought that nothing has a larger meaning f*$!ing terrifies me. The only peace of mind I've found, healing for my anxiety and panic disorder... ok, and my OCD as well... heavily relies on the premise that someone or something is in control. I don't like that it's not me, but I'm willing to trust that the Universe knows what it's doing, is keeping some sort of balance that will ultimately prove Just... even if it's over multiple lifetimes. To believe there is no bigger picture, that it's all uncontrollable chaos, terrifies me to the point that my stomach twists and my brain folds over on itself, throwing up a smoke signal that spells 'does not compute!' F*#$, so much has happened to me in this life... I NEED to believe there's a higher purpose for it all, yet here's this strong person totally unafraid to avow that's a bullshit, if not weak, viewpoint; little more than a spoonful of sugar to help me swallow life's atrocities and injustices. Hell, I can't dispute there's truth in that... but... there must be a BUT! Don't get me wrong, I appreciate entropy as much as the next person, but for it to be the sole governing force of the Universe, without compassion or sense of karmic justice, is more than my Spirit can bare.
We shared some respectful too-ing and fro-ing... there were many emotions writhing in me... jealousy that they could be so brave and bold as to trust fall into nothingness and chaos, defensiveness over my own beliefs, curiousity in their argument and perspective; so much in such a small conversation while fixing ourselves a refreshment. I love this shit!
They then struck upon something that I believe informs everyone's belief around 'everything happens for a reason,' and that's culture. I'm a native-born American and they're originally from South Africa... we're both desensitised to violence and general trauma compared to most Kiwis. This belief is indeed heavily culturally relevant. Here's someone who has seen shit that's off the charts cruel and chaotic, horrific things happening to people for seemingly no reason, so their way of coping was to embrace it and disregard any type of benevolent 'master plan.' I too grew up in, uh, ahem, unfortunate circumstances and experienced various forms of abuse, so coming to believe in something greater than myself allowed me to relax and surrender a degree of control... Interestingly, this is a mindset I had to adopt to shift from anxiety and panic to peace; yet across from me is someone who made the same shift by believing the exact opposite. Fascinating!
We eventually reached common ground, which further intrigued me, as they struck upon my #1 guiding life principle... stating it's all about learning from experiences... and I couldn't agree more. After reading 'The Gifts of Imperfections' I've repeated my homemade mantra "I learn with a grateful heart" nearly everyday, and I can honestly say it's changed my life; definitely for the better. It helps me transition from a victim mindset to a thriving mindset. The former leaving me afraid of what's around the next turn, leery of the next horrible situation I'd have to face; constantly on-edge. The latter enabling me to accept the sigmoidal curve of lifes' adventures, trusting myself to grow and learn and develop as I process and move through the ups and downs, safely. It's like flying above a storm, still feeling some of the turbulence without feeling we're in direct danger. Whether it's a happy occurrence or a tough challenge, I always seek to learn and remain grateful for the lesson (even if it feels like my ass is black and blue, I can take care of that!).
We parted, thanking each other for the deep conversation, and true to my core beliefs, I was happy to have the opportunity to ask myself why I believe what I believe; explore another rabbit hole 🐇.
Original Publication Date 08 August 2020, Revised 03 January 2023
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