Inside I'm laughing however, because I love the glorious irony of it all... the very frustration I feel is what makes me pursue these profound contemplations time and again, and by the end of this article I hope the hilarity of it all becomes rather transparent.
I'll admit I'm deep down the emotional healing rabbit hole, and I intend to stay here because the fundamental changes that have transpired as a result are well worth the effort. By effort I mean terrifying confrontations about myself, my past and who I authentically am, meditation, trusting my intuition, daily journaling, walking around Mount Taranaki and tears; lots and lots of tears. Oh, and the odd bought of swearing so profusely that anyone overhearing me might assume I have turrets syndrome. Anyway, circling back to where I started this tale, ever-eager to 'show off' my new and improved way of life I told my gym buddy that those thoughts would cycle until he let them out, talked about them. He said he was and I pointed out that all he was talking about was their mere presence, not what they actually were, to which he responded that he couldn't; it wasn't an acceptable subject to discuss. Uh huh, exactly! In his head those thoughts will remain until he's willing to own them and let them go. When I suggested he explore that notion and talk to a trusted friend, he mentioned that's what dogs were for, and sure, whoever or whatever, just talk it out... but I also needed to point out that he did not, in fact, have a dog. Humans are extremely proficient at finding convenient excuses to avoid the discomfort of pausing to process our own thoughts, emotions and resulting behaviors. 😂😇🐇
From there I mentioned that I talk to my car a lot, telling him about the epic time I released a hell of a lot of anger about my ex-partner and his family. With tears and an extremely liberal use of the term 'a pack of C*#$s', I finally got to vent the injustice I felt during that relationship and expressed my emotions in a safe environment. Afterward I even thanked Raven (my car) for her help in soaking up the shit-storm of emotions. My friend gave me a look I'm all too familiar with: 'What is this squirrely enigma on about?' He went on to explain that when we think of others as assholes, we need to realise that we're actually the jerks; it is our response to people, situations and experiences that is the issue, NOT the actual people, situations or experiences.
Hmm, I'm familiar with this line of thinking; it's Buddhist in nature. During said ex-relationship I sought a way to calm the fighting in my head so that I'd stop fighting my partner by visiting a Buddhist centre every week, hoping to gain some clarity and serenity... hoping to 'fix' myself. This ideal, that it is our response to issues that are the actual issue, made sense to me and I strove to embed it into my life. It even felt empowering because I had the control, I had the ability to control my emotions! Or not. I'd fail time and again, things my partner said and did continued to send me through the roof. Afterwards I'd beat myself up for getting upset. Seriously, I left black and blue marks on my self esteem I felt so much shame. Why couldn't I just keep it in and be calm?! I thought there was something wrong with me. Given my turbulent childhood and accumulation of mental health labels, it was certainly easy to believe. 'Who in their right mind would want to be with me?' I'd think... I felt horribly flawed and broken. BLEAK 😅
From there I mentioned that I talk to my car a lot, telling him about the epic time I released a hell of a lot of anger about my ex-partner and his family. With tears and an extremely liberal use of the term 'a pack of C*#$s', I finally got to vent the injustice I felt during that relationship and expressed my emotions in a safe environment. Afterward I even thanked Raven (my car) for her help in soaking up the shit-storm of emotions. My friend gave me a look I'm all too familiar with: 'What is this squirrely enigma on about?' He went on to explain that when we think of others as assholes, we need to realise that we're actually the jerks; it is our response to people, situations and experiences that is the issue, NOT the actual people, situations or experiences.
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| Raven was always happy to let me beat of her steering wheel. That's love. |
Hmm, I'm familiar with this line of thinking; it's Buddhist in nature. During said ex-relationship I sought a way to calm the fighting in my head so that I'd stop fighting my partner by visiting a Buddhist centre every week, hoping to gain some clarity and serenity... hoping to 'fix' myself. This ideal, that it is our response to issues that are the actual issue, made sense to me and I strove to embed it into my life. It even felt empowering because I had the control, I had the ability to control my emotions! Or not. I'd fail time and again, things my partner said and did continued to send me through the roof. Afterwards I'd beat myself up for getting upset. Seriously, I left black and blue marks on my self esteem I felt so much shame. Why couldn't I just keep it in and be calm?! I thought there was something wrong with me. Given my turbulent childhood and accumulation of mental health labels, it was certainly easy to believe. 'Who in their right mind would want to be with me?' I'd think... I felt horribly flawed and broken. BLEAK 😅
Now, having done the work I've done in the emotional space, I boldly declare this sentiment is pure and utter bullshit... the f*%@ing Buddhists can keep their lofty concept, for now [I'll contradict this below].... It wasn't sitting well with me and I understood why; it encourages us to suppress our emotions at best, and blame ourselves for feeling anything but calm and serene at worst. Both of which result in decreased self-respect and trust in our emotions and intuitive intelligence. Every emotion has a function, and when our emotions say 'they're being a dick!' it's to help us slow down and question the situation; to ask 'am I staying true to who I am and what I want?' In the case of relationships the fear of being alone usually keeps us where we are, inspiring feelings of entrapment and disempowerment which in turn results in a decreased sense of worth; perpetuating the vicious cycle.
Let me be quite clear, I'm not saying that we shouldn't take responsibility for our emotions.
Feeling emotions does not mean we necessarily need to express those emotions. This is a central concept of Emotional Intelligence, and probably what the Buddhists were actually trying to communicate. Our response to triggers and stimuli do, indeed, need to be carefully assessed, questioned, held up to the light of our conscious for meticulous examination and re-assembled to take out any unnecessary or inappropriate hangovers from our past experiences and/or trauma. Otherwise we'll end up shooting a McDonald's employee for giving us Coke instead of Diet Coke because that is what chronically suppressed anger looks like after forty years. Not pretty. I'll own that I chose to be with that particular person. I chose to stay in that particular situation because I felt myself in love... who else was going to love me?
So yes, my responses were the issue because I chose to ignore my other non-loving emotions, the warning signs that I shouldn't continue the path I was on, that I was unhappy and devaluing myself by assuming that I was the broken one... Yet I lacked the courage to be honest with myself and leave before it inevitably went pear-shaped and I was left.
Learning to control our reactions to people and situations instead of blaming them directly takes a hell of a lot of EQ and that does not just happen, it takes work and authentic bravery. It takes extreme honesty with ourselves on all levels; mental, emotional and spiritual. Back then, I wasn't ready to hang with the Buddhists, I was still attached and egoically invested in my emotions, had to have someone to blame even if that person was me. I couldn't yet comprehend this esoteric theory so I assumed I was deficient intellectually and emotionally... I wasn't yet accepting of myself, trusting of myself, on the level required to discern that, with time and practice, I'd come to see what the hell the funny little Buddhists were on about.
Hilariously, I thought I could 'fix' myself and keep it all bottled up in my head the way my friend does (to their detriment, I might add) until I read a book that convinced me otherwise. This book insisted that we had to share our 'shame stories' to work our shit out. When I first read that theory something inside me recoiled. Stuff that! I could handle my own issues in-house without infecting others with my toxic bullshit! Well guess what, if I could it bloody well wouldn't have taken me over six years to make this much progress in my meandering personal development journey. Especially considering I thought I had it 'all figured out' back them... such naivete! 😅 The only thing I'm certain of now is that the more I know, the less intelligent I feel. Why? It's a bit like reaching the top of one summit only to discover all the other ranges I must cross; mountains I didn't even know existed until I finally reached the first peak! The difference is my mindset. Before I would've cried in despair, now I laugh and feel grateful for the lifetime of adventure ahead.
My lifestyle and general demeanour almost certainly appear crazy. In fact, I distinctly remember rattling off the various mental illness diagnoses I've received throughout my life with a friend, followed by my assertion that I've never felt more sane despite these stigmas. I then followed it up with a hearty helping of maniacal laughter. Oh yes, to others I must seem utterly twisted! Whole, authentic and worthy, not to mention infinitely less anxious, is how I actually feel.
Hilariously, I thought I could 'fix' myself and keep it all bottled up in my head the way my friend does (to their detriment, I might add) until I read a book that convinced me otherwise. This book insisted that we had to share our 'shame stories' to work our shit out. When I first read that theory something inside me recoiled. Stuff that! I could handle my own issues in-house without infecting others with my toxic bullshit! Well guess what, if I could it bloody well wouldn't have taken me over six years to make this much progress in my meandering personal development journey. Especially considering I thought I had it 'all figured out' back them... such naivete! 😅 The only thing I'm certain of now is that the more I know, the less intelligent I feel. Why? It's a bit like reaching the top of one summit only to discover all the other ranges I must cross; mountains I didn't even know existed until I finally reached the first peak! The difference is my mindset. Before I would've cried in despair, now I laugh and feel grateful for the lifetime of adventure ahead.
Kevin Biggar's Definition of Adventure. I love it!
My lifestyle and general demeanour almost certainly appear crazy. In fact, I distinctly remember rattling off the various mental illness diagnoses I've received throughout my life with a friend, followed by my assertion that I've never felt more sane despite these stigmas. I then followed it up with a hearty helping of maniacal laughter. Oh yes, to others I must seem utterly twisted! Whole, authentic and worthy, not to mention infinitely less anxious, is how I actually feel.
My whacky way of life basically involves allowing myself to feel whatever and however I feel without trying to justify it or beating myself with a naughty stick because others may not like it; I choose to defy social standards so I can stay true to myself. It's not easy, it takes conscious effort each and every day. But if appearing nutty is the price I have to pay, done deal! Hell, I'll pay double! The relief from a lifetime of bottled up stress and suppressed emotions is priceless, not to mention the profound elevation of my self esteem. I now appreciate all of my emotions, the good, the bad and the ugly. They are all intuitive signals that one of my values and/or beliefs or being poked-at, just as physical pain cues me to the fact that I'm hurt and need healing and time to reflect on how I landed in that state. All of our sensations deserve consideration, compassion, acceptance and celebration (yes, even the grief and heartbreak!); they teach us what we like and what we don't like, how secure we feel in ourselves or how safe, they define our boundaries.
We were born to feel, to be human, so live! Dig deep, get amongst it. 🙏💖🐇
My Recommendations for Emotional Healing Work:
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
- This inspired nearly everything I wrote related to Self Worth.
The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford
- A powerful resource to recognise, own and even love our inner shadows... the worst of who we are.
Side Note on Humility: There used to be a point in time when I'd rather slash my wrists with a dull and rusty butter knife than read 'self-help' books. I had my issues, but I was strong dammit! A fighter! Oh, I was a fighter all right, but the only person I was fighting was myself and that's a lose-lose situation. Every living breathing human has issues with their emotions, it's a consequence of the human condition. Suck it up, read this stuff. What's the worst that could happen? 😂🐇꩜
We were born to feel, to be human, so live! Dig deep, get amongst it. 🙏💖🐇
My Recommendations for Emotional Healing Work:
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
- This inspired nearly everything I wrote related to Self Worth.
The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford
- A powerful resource to recognise, own and even love our inner shadows... the worst of who we are.
Side Note on Humility: There used to be a point in time when I'd rather slash my wrists with a dull and rusty butter knife than read 'self-help' books. I had my issues, but I was strong dammit! A fighter! Oh, I was a fighter all right, but the only person I was fighting was myself and that's a lose-lose situation. Every living breathing human has issues with their emotions, it's a consequence of the human condition. Suck it up, read this stuff. What's the worst that could happen? 😂🐇꩜
eccentric adventures.. but isnt life more fun that way?
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