Death of a Sister, Birth of a Faith

Despite my OCD's insistence that I keep a clinically tidy and militantly organised inbox, these words have persisted for three years; most of the time it's the only one there at all. I could never bring myself to delete it or even file it away, afraid it might get lost or forgotten along with the plethora of other musings and article ideas I jot down when creativity strikes. I read the words almost everyday, two other anniversaries have past, but I just never knew what to do with them. Admittedly, I shy away from writing shit like this Sis, because after all we'd gone through in child- and young-adult hood, I fought... fought so hard to rise above it all, to become something more. I reject and resent all forms of sympathy and pity towards the circumstances of my life, your passing prime among them. I love you, and I miss you... I always will. I understand people mean well, but I'm so wholly at peace with what happened that pity seems like an insult to be honest. 

Amanda, Summer and Sarah - The Lennox Girls 💞

Your death shaped me Amanda, in so many weird, wonderful and phenomenally unexpected ways. I've written to you before, yet as more years go by I continue to think and feel about you. Your death was a major milestone in my life and I'm so grateful. It taught me the true meaning of strength, of freedom, of choice, of the power in expanding our self-awareness and owning our inner shadows, of why it's critical to heal and do what I need to do to keep myself healthy and balanced instead of giving into human temptations, whether they be chemical or cognitive! 🐇⚡

Your death served to fortify my relationship with whatever divine energy rules this chaotic World... because after 17 years the one thing I'm certain of is that you are where you're meant to be and there are no 'what if's left in me to regret. It's a place of holistic peace, one I couldn't have achieved without the lesson your passing offered. I do not believe in 'it shouldn't have happened that way' or spend time thinking about the ways I might have helped you, or saved you from yourself. I KNOW that you learned what you came here to learn, that everything happened precisely as it should... because that's the way it DID happen, and I trust in nothing and no one as I TRUST in the Universe. Coming to this point of fundamental trust has been an adventure that started the day I received the fateful call from Mom. Time, tears, and tracheal tearings abound, energy well spent. 

My spirituality makes me a bit of an outlier however, a human conundrum, which is why I typically keep it to myself. Now when others return to their spirit form, while I grieve who they were on this Earth, I also feel absolutely stoked for them as Spirits. They graduated from this 'University for Spiritual Development' we know as life and get to move onto their next lesson, I see it as a reason to celebrate. At best this ethos confuses people and exposes me as a weirdo, and at worst it offends people because it likely grates against their own beliefs and sense of Earthly justice. While I understand their perspectives in both instances, it won't sway my own... I'm fine with being an outlier, maybe you helped me with that as well. 🙏💖 

Your death is the one data point from which my entire spiritual foundation was formed, the one belief I can comfortably hold without my usual application of rigorous scientific and skeptical analysis. Why? It just feels right, settles my Spirit, calms my Body and Mind in ways I've never felt before... after decades of self-inflicted torture, it's the much needed balm of utter acceptance. It's FAITH. Could I be wrong? Could you just be bone bits now? Worm food? Perhaps in heaven or hell? Maybe... I do-not and can-not 'factually' know, but nor does that concern me. I hold my faith, one inspired by you, because it grounds me in a Body sodden with security and safety; engulfed within a mindset of gratitude. I'd sure as shit advise anyone else to do the same since I profoundly believe it makes us more conscious, conscientious and compassionate humans (unless, of course, that so-called 'faith' drives murderous, deranged, inequitable and/or paranoid behaviours... because that's not true faith, that's conditioned radicalised extremism 👀😅).

So, pity assigned by Self of others be damned, no one knew the bittersweet emotions tied to being your Sister, your heart... that's what you called me. This isn't for me, perhaps for the first time I'm writing this for you, because for some unnamable faith-based reason I feel like you need it. Be at rest knowing those you loved won't hold you here because they can't or won't liberate themselves from your death; be brave enough to saturate in the grief of loving you without fear so you can move on. Like the other day, when I said to someone with tears streaming down my face, "She was an absolute shit show, but she was MY shit show." 💖💩

Best of all, I laugh knowing that if you sat beside me now and read these words you'd say "The only sentence in this whole f#%! thing that made any sense was the last one... Are you f*$@ing high?!" 😂

Original Publication Date 14 October 2023