... But what about caring for ourselves? 🤔🐇
“Take care,” a common phrase said when parting with a friend or acquaintance, and something I never really gave much thought, typically responding with a smile, nod, “Sure thing,” or “You too," though I can say with certainty that actually 'taking care' is not something I practiced with much success or regularity for the first-third(ish) of my adult life. Unknowingly, I fundamentally misunderstood this notion. Why wouldn’t I take care of myself? Wasn’t that a person’s default state of being? I’m alive, wouldn’t that suggest I’m at least able to keep myself breathing? Doesn’t that constitute taking care of one’s Self?
So how do we protect our Pearl and fortify our Oysters? The answer sounds simple, but doing the work can take a lifetime:
For such a well-understood concept, this can be deceivingly difficult in its implementation! For men, women and everyone in between, societal conditioning has embedded underlying mistruths about 'the right/appropriate way' to care for ourselves. Women are supposed to go get mani-pedis, buy themselves flowers or jewellery, or have an all-out bitching session with their girlfriends (with the occasional exception of the latter, that's literally my idea of a waking nightmare 😂😳). Men, likewise, are expected to go hunting or fishing, watch 'the game' in their man-cave with some mates, or lift heavy shit. Hell it's the 21st century, what are gender-neutral or multi-gendered people supposed to do, some sort of combination of both?! Still worse, we've been hard-wired to think that devoting any time, attention or money to ourselves is selfish because we should be giving it to others, largely to fill our conventional societal roles. Sadly, due to these conventions, when our self-care regime doesn't fit the standard, we actually feel ashamed of the things that bring us a sense of calm-contentedness and serenity, which completely undermines the entire f*&%-ing purpose! 😡💩
'Take care of yourself' means different things to different people, as well it should! This is important because we must all remember not to judge each other for how we administer that self-care. We are all good people doing the best we can with what we've got, attempting to make ourselves comfortable in a sometimes uncomfortable World.
Thought experiment!
What would the World look like if we all authentically looked after ourselves?
Wow, that was a gorgeously random caveat. 😂😎
“Take care,” a common phrase said when parting with a friend or acquaintance, and something I never really gave much thought, typically responding with a smile, nod, “Sure thing,” or “You too," though I can say with certainty that actually 'taking care' is not something I practiced with much success or regularity for the first-third(ish) of my adult life. Unknowingly, I fundamentally misunderstood this notion. Why wouldn’t I take care of myself? Wasn’t that a person’s default state of being? I’m alive, wouldn’t that suggest I’m at least able to keep myself breathing? Doesn’t that constitute taking care of one’s Self?
I'd often feel a sense of paranoia if someone told me to “Take care of yourself.” True to my proclivity for excessive worry, I’d take it as a sure sign that it appeared I wasn’t, that I was in some visible state of disarray or ill health. Now that I have more self-awareness, I understand why this otherwise throw-away comment always left me with an impression of vulnerable transparency. Keeping myself alive and taking care of myself is not the same thing, but I have historically been unconscious of this critical difference. Still, that deeper knowing was there, and it led to that sense of insecurity whenever someone insist I “Take care.” Thus this seemingly simple phrase becomes much more complicated than it appears on a superficial level, and something I’ve come to take very seriously now that life has taken me down more than a few rabbit holes. I now understand what is at stake, because I intimately know what's its like to give up and forgo truly caring for myself.
Since my meandering mind makes more sense of concepts in reverse, to tackle the topic of self-care I compared it to its opposite, self-neglect. It’s important to consider that we often confuse keeping ourselves alive with taking care of ourselves. It’s the difference between Surviving and Thriving, a fascinating rabbit hole in its own right. People who neglect their inherent needs for security, acceptance and love are walking skeletons, starved and craving these things in all the wrong places. Self-neglect can lead to sensations of being empty, lonely, unfulfilled, paranoid and judged. It’s like trying to drink from a dried up creek bed in the desert, like trying to lick crumbs from an empty cookie jar for nourishment, like breathing from half a lung inside a vacuous bell jar; getting just enough to stay conscious, but not enough to fully live. This diminished state induces impressions of panic, depression, anger and longing. Most people, unable to face these venomous snakes that perpetually poison their well, turn to various unhealthy coping strategies such as codependent relationships, alcoholism, drug abuse, eating disorders, gambling, cutting, excessive exercise, and/or constant changes of location and/or career. Anything to distract us from the void inside of ourselves. Ironically, we then become familiar with the constant discomfort, we don't know how to live without it... happiness and peace become fleeting and fickle. This is perhaps one aspect of what we've come to label as 'mental illness.'
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| There's more to parenting than keeping children alive, the same goes for ourselves💖 |
Since my meandering mind makes more sense of concepts in reverse, to tackle the topic of self-care I compared it to its opposite, self-neglect. It’s important to consider that we often confuse keeping ourselves alive with taking care of ourselves. It’s the difference between Surviving and Thriving, a fascinating rabbit hole in its own right. People who neglect their inherent needs for security, acceptance and love are walking skeletons, starved and craving these things in all the wrong places. Self-neglect can lead to sensations of being empty, lonely, unfulfilled, paranoid and judged. It’s like trying to drink from a dried up creek bed in the desert, like trying to lick crumbs from an empty cookie jar for nourishment, like breathing from half a lung inside a vacuous bell jar; getting just enough to stay conscious, but not enough to fully live. This diminished state induces impressions of panic, depression, anger and longing. Most people, unable to face these venomous snakes that perpetually poison their well, turn to various unhealthy coping strategies such as codependent relationships, alcoholism, drug abuse, eating disorders, gambling, cutting, excessive exercise, and/or constant changes of location and/or career. Anything to distract us from the void inside of ourselves. Ironically, we then become familiar with the constant discomfort, we don't know how to live without it... happiness and peace become fleeting and fickle. This is perhaps one aspect of what we've come to label as 'mental illness.'
If we think of our mental health as a Pearl, everyone's Oyster is vulnerable 🦪. It's the human condition, a consequence of our consciousness. At this point it’s natural to think, “F&*#-ing BLEAK!” and that’s spot-on. 😅
So how do we protect our Pearl and fortify our Oysters? The answer sounds simple, but doing the work can take a lifetime:
💝 Take Authentic Care of Ourself 💋
For such a well-understood concept, this can be deceivingly difficult in its implementation! For men, women and everyone in between, societal conditioning has embedded underlying mistruths about 'the right/appropriate way' to care for ourselves. Women are supposed to go get mani-pedis, buy themselves flowers or jewellery, or have an all-out bitching session with their girlfriends (with the occasional exception of the latter, that's literally my idea of a waking nightmare 😂😳). Men, likewise, are expected to go hunting or fishing, watch 'the game' in their man-cave with some mates, or lift heavy shit. Hell it's the 21st century, what are gender-neutral or multi-gendered people supposed to do, some sort of combination of both?! Still worse, we've been hard-wired to think that devoting any time, attention or money to ourselves is selfish because we should be giving it to others, largely to fill our conventional societal roles. Sadly, due to these conventions, when our self-care regime doesn't fit the standard, we actually feel ashamed of the things that bring us a sense of calm-contentedness and serenity, which completely undermines the entire f*&%-ing purpose! 😡💩
'Take care of yourself' means different things to different people, as well it should! This is important because we must all remember not to judge each other for how we administer that self-care. We are all good people doing the best we can with what we've got, attempting to make ourselves comfortable in a sometimes uncomfortable World.
Thought experiment!
What would the World look like if we all authentically looked after ourselves?
Please take a moment to consider this question... 🐇🐇🐇
An anarchist society of selfish pricks?! Hardly.... that's closer to what we have now since everyone is burning themselves out trying to fix everyone else's issues and failing miserably; because, newsflash!, the only people we can actually influence and change is ourselves. To do so, however, we need to see ourselves as deserving of the time and attention it takes to learn how to heal and care for ourselves. I'm optimistically putting my nickle down on a World chock-a-block with genuine kindness, a World that is psychologically safe with far fewer judgy assholes. People who are peaceful and happy in themselves, who have enough inner love to avoid seeking or stealing it from others, naturally spread that beautiful inner light of wellbeing and care for others, not because they HAVE to but because they WANT too, inspiring heart-felt fulfillment.
In this revolutionary World, people are far less prone to depression, anxiety, rage, and to be brutally honest... suicide. Everyone's emotional intelligence (EQ), would be near genius levels, and we'd all shine like the gems that we fundamentally are... I know it's a stretch, but I'll never give up hope that this World can evolve and come to fruition. Ok, ok... stepping down from my soap box now. 😅🙇
Arming the Oyster
The oyster must be our happy-place, or we'll want to flee rather than protect the pearl within. Personally, this sentiment inspires memories of my favourite childhood movie, The Little Mermaid. During the concert at the beginning all of Triton's daughters burst forth from their oysters singing joyfully, except when it comes to the feature shell, Ariele's. Instead, the flighty bitch has flown the coop... opting to pursue her unique zeal for Human-oriented exploration. A wild-card after my own heart! She desired a different shell instead of being crammed into the one her family and her society imposed upon her. In pursuit of that 'escape,' she failed to protect her pearl and fell-victim to the sea witch. Luckily her Father saved her scaly-ass, but we're not all that fortunate. 😬😲
An anarchist society of selfish pricks?! Hardly.... that's closer to what we have now since everyone is burning themselves out trying to fix everyone else's issues and failing miserably; because, newsflash!, the only people we can actually influence and change is ourselves. To do so, however, we need to see ourselves as deserving of the time and attention it takes to learn how to heal and care for ourselves. I'm optimistically putting my nickle down on a World chock-a-block with genuine kindness, a World that is psychologically safe with far fewer judgy assholes. People who are peaceful and happy in themselves, who have enough inner love to avoid seeking or stealing it from others, naturally spread that beautiful inner light of wellbeing and care for others, not because they HAVE to but because they WANT too, inspiring heart-felt fulfillment.
In this revolutionary World, people are far less prone to depression, anxiety, rage, and to be brutally honest... suicide. Everyone's emotional intelligence (EQ), would be near genius levels, and we'd all shine like the gems that we fundamentally are... I know it's a stretch, but I'll never give up hope that this World can evolve and come to fruition. Ok, ok... stepping down from my soap box now. 😅🙇
Arming the Oyster
The oyster must be our happy-place, or we'll want to flee rather than protect the pearl within. Personally, this sentiment inspires memories of my favourite childhood movie, The Little Mermaid. During the concert at the beginning all of Triton's daughters burst forth from their oysters singing joyfully, except when it comes to the feature shell, Ariele's. Instead, the flighty bitch has flown the coop... opting to pursue her unique zeal for Human-oriented exploration. A wild-card after my own heart! She desired a different shell instead of being crammed into the one her family and her society imposed upon her. In pursuit of that 'escape,' she failed to protect her pearl and fell-victim to the sea witch. Luckily her Father saved her scaly-ass, but we're not all that fortunate. 😬😲
Wow, that was a gorgeously random caveat. 😂😎
Below are the steps I took to build my self-care process. As I've already mentioned, this will manifest differently for everyone, but it starts with asking ourselves these tough questions:
Who have I been? Who am I now? Who do I want to become?
What makes me feel joyful, inspired, calm, content, comfortable, etc.?
1. Wanting to Take Care of Myself
- I woke up to my own self-sabotaging tendencies and made a steadfast promise to protect, love and accept myself
- I forgave myself for many falsely perceived wrong-doings, using both creative logic and compassion
- I forgave everyone else that I could likewise assign blame, mainly my family and past partners
- I started feeling grateful for the pain I've experienced, realising that without those challenges I would not have become the person that I am now; all that 'bullshit' has led me to this point and I'm genuinely proud of the person I've become
Note: Interestingly, my inner work around resentment and forgiveness were done by working the 12-steps of AA, which led to my final point above and other healthy life principles.
(aka things that help me self-regulate)
- Exercise; swimming, running and dead-lifting 💪
- Meditation and Yoga Practices
- Spending time in Nature; tramping, reading in a park, walking around gardens or my yard looking for Praying Mantises
- Traveling, putting my feet on new Earth, meeting different people, smelling diverse aromas, seeing contrasting landscapes and architecture
- Journaling, reflecting and writing (obviously 😅)
- Using my skin as canvas to permanently ink in various empowering and inspiring scenes
- Generally avoiding things that, in hindsight, evoke sentiments of regret... aka self-sabotage
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| A healthy sense of humour is so very essential 😝 |
3. Seeing Myself as Someone Worthy of Acceptance, Protection and Love
- Instead of striving for perfection I give myself permission to f*#! up, to be human, to err; embrace the adventure!
- Admire my personality quirks, when put to good use with positive intent they shine out and my pearl becomes a glowing orb that can inspire others
- Accept that comparing my oyster to that of others is akin to inviting someone to whack my pearl with a hammer 🔨👎
- Trust that I don’t owe anyone any explanations, I am who I am and they don't need a reason to love or accept me
4. Putting Myself in Charge of Delivering Those Needs
- The people I love have always, and will always, fall short when I put them in charge of my happiness and peace of mind; holding them emotionally hostage for my want of attention and affection is unfair (with shades of grey)
- I accept that while people may make me feel happy, they are not responsible for my overall state of happiness, nor are people who make me feel pissed responsible for my overall state of anger; how I feel is solely my responsibility
- When required, I have the courageous conversation required to express how I feel with the person who can actually help me address the underlying issue (instead of bitching behind their back and/or to other people)
- This is a big one: I acknowledge that I've hard-wired the expectation of rejection and disappointment given my previous life experiences, and by-so-doing I manifest rejection even when it's not there; like magic!... Only I can re-wire the circuit
How to Notice our Pearls are About to be Snatched by a Barracuda of BULLSHIT! 💩
For me, self care is inextricably linked with the concept of authentic permission. Permission to be me, to like what I like, to want what I want, to do what I feel is best, and to bloody well change at the drop of a hat without having to justify or explain myself! When we offer ourselves unconditional permission we don't feel a need to bargain with the Universe, nor do we experience delayed onset guilt, because we trust in what we deserve. While pondering this concept however, it turned out to be more complicated than I'm willing to delve into here. [Fall into this analogous Rabbit Hole 'Hare' 😂🐇]
Another clue? Many times in my life I've told people I'd do something for them, forsaking my 'Me' time not wanting to appear selfish, only to end up feeling resentment toward them for 'stealing' my time. Hang on... didn't I freely choose to give that time to them instead of taking care of my own needs? If I'm feeling resentment and willing to face my truth, the answer is NO. Instead it's a sure sign that I was attempting to give someone else the last dregs of water from my now-empty well, and attempting to blame them for how I feel as a result. All they did was ask a favour, the decision to forgo my own care in lieu of theirs is on me, personal accountability pure and simple. This is what I'm getting to in my Whole New World Thought Experiment above. If I take care of myself and my needs FIRST, something as simple as saying 'I'll do that right after I sit in the park and stare at a tree for 20 minutes 🌳,' then I can give that time freely and without creating any ill-will. I topped up the tank before giving them a drink, plenty leftover for everyone!
Also worth mentioning, I wrote this article precisely fours years ago (completely an unintentional coincidence!). Guess what? Precious-little has changed 😅🐇💖👀. I'm still working on nearly every one of these points; practicing what I preach and exploring new weird and wonderful levels of self-care. The critical difference is that my mindset has shifted as my awareness has expanded. When I first drafted these points, one slip up or backslide would have me in a spiral of self-depreciating thoughts, emotions and behaviours. I would beat myself up for 'not looking after myself; naughty me!' But f$*# if that doesn't defeat the entire purpose of applying self-care, love and acceptance! The fact is that I'm doing the best I can given the resources I have in this moment, and I will continue to evolve... I still have underlying false beliefs that subconsciously undermine what I sincerely want; like tiny bits of sand that keep my oyster shell slightly ajar, exposing my pearl of self-worth to dangerous currents. Most recently these manifested as job interviews I failed to land. Luckily I was able to catch myself in the act of inappropriately giving away my sense of worth before it led to destructive mindsets, moods or reactions. Thanks to my growing awareness and honing the ability to non-judgmentally observe myself, I trust the 'sand' to wash out with time. 🌊
Original Publication Date 07 April 2019, Revised 07 April 2023
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