Self-Love Vs. Self-Acceptance

One could argue this is a bit of a 'chicken and egg' conundrum as some people may need to feel accepted in order to feel loved, while others may need to feel loved before feeling accepted. Regardless, I remain firm in my assertion that there are distinct differences between these two concepts, largely driven by the intelligence centres that govern them; Heart and Gut, respectively. For me loving myself is a heart-felt sensation, like I'm hugging myself. It is a warm blanket of compassion that envelops every cell, understanding that life is hard and unjust at times and I deserve care and nurturing. I only know this because I lived a sizeable portion of my life without it. I'll spare everyone the gory details of what it looked like to continually try and walk out on myself, abandon myself; but many psychologists would label it as some type of colourful Anxiety or Panic disorder. These are my examples, for others a lack of self-love could cultivate any number of detrimental mindsets, causing inner suffering and driving seemingly destructive behaviours.

Whether its easier for someone to attain self-love or self-acceptance is certainly a matter of both nature (innate personality) and nurture (upbringing and societal conditioning). It's easy for me to assume that someone who grew up in a loving household with family game nights, vacations and regular meals; someone who received consistent emotional support, would have a healthy concept of self-love. I'd be wrong, however, because where one person may (those being pre-disposed to thoughts of worthiness), another may not (those being pre-disposed to thoughts of worthlessness). Though a rather bleak example, it's fitting to point out that people who become violent criminals come from both broken homes as well as affectionate homes. Ah, the endless caveats of human psychology! 

Fair warning, I'm about to park self-love for awhile and enter a rather lengthy tirade about self-acceptance because at present I'm content with my sense of self-love (though I'm sure that will change at some stage once I uncover more rabbit-holes, that's kind of how this works 😂🐇). Besides, there's so much 'Eat-Pray-Love' shit floating around the internet I'm confident in my readers' ability to find plenty of self-love fodder. On the contrary, I'm continually noticing clues that my sense of self-acceptance needs revisiting. Hell, I'm half-convinced self-love is my underlying motivation; the recent growing intolerance I feel towards myself is making me miserable and I don't deserve it dammit. Judgment at the hands of others is one thing, but continual self-judgment is inescapable and dangerous. I need to shift my self-acceptance attitude back towards the 'Sweet Spot' ... So, uh, how do I do that... Because 'forcing' self-acceptance seems a tad inauthentic. In fact, I've already tried that and it obviously didn't stick. Back in the dawn of my personal growth adventure, I used to think I had self-acceptance. In retrospect, however, I find that's because I THOUGHT I had it; I could not yet FEEL it. I confused genuine self-acceptance with 'putting up with myself' and my flaws in a way that bordered on resolved, yet annoyed, tolerance. Subconsciously I continued to judge myself (a hard habit to break for anyone), driving a whole lot of self-defeating thoughts and emotions out of their hidey holes. 

Self-acceptance is not thinking I 'should' be doing this or that, or acting a certain way, or feeling unsettled due to perpetual internal conflicts. It's not having the default mode of my underlying beliefs set to 'WRONG.' Jiminy Christmas that sounds horrid, and it is, but it's still how I feel from time to time. Despite all my awareness and ability to recognise this as unhealthy, I'll be damned if I know how to 'fix' it. But isn't that the whole point?! I am not a damned problem that requires fixing! Right here, right now, this is where I'm at and these are the inner conundrums I'm dealing with, and there's nothing wrong with that. Ironically, the only reason it's a 'problem' is because I think it's a 'problem.'

Instead, can I TRUST that I'm experiencing what I need to experience to learn and grow; to reach a deeper level of awareness and understanding of myself?

So what If I continually move the goal-post and keep myself busy? Why do I label that as 'wrong'? I thought this way of living brought me pain, and easing that pain was the reason I wanted to shift my busy-bee tendencies 🐝. What brings me pain is this inner self-judgement and fear of others' judgment (99.9% of which is perceived and not real). It makes me feel like it's wrong to be myself, that I can't trust my inclinations, and it certainly leaves no room to celebrate the significant progress I've already made.  I literally used to beat myself up! I could never do that now. Finding self-love and compassion enabled that critical shift in my behaviours. 

It sounds ludicrous, but I actually like that I'm a bit of a 'hot-mess' (which is how I'm guessing others perceive me because I keep myself in a higher energy state that some might refer to as 'stressed' 😅). It keeps life interesting and I know, deep down, that every struggle I put in front of myself (or is put in front of me by life) brings me closer to the person I want to become. I'm on an adventure that no one else can understand because I rarely understand it myself! 

I started to linearise it this morning while journalling, and then later while watching a stream in a forest:

"[Journal] Look, I am quite hard on myself, but I'm no longer needlessly hard on myself and I can feel the nuance between too hard and just hard enough. Recently I floored it right past that boundary, but I did it in full awareness, I knew the sense of achievement would be worth the burn-out. I also knew I could heal and recuperate, care for myself and recover. I don't regret doing it, I knew I'd learn and grow stronger from the experience. That 'knowing' is intrinsically linked to my Gut. Yup, I'm hard on myself alright, a tough self-parent perhaps, but it's not borne of masochistic self-punishment (anymore). I'm pushing myself because of a pull my Gut feels, although my Head can't comprehend so it usually puts up a fight which then leads to internal conflict. It's that conflict that causes the pain, and it's especially pronounced when my Head is taking in perceived judgments for the World around me because it feels safer to 'fit in' than to be true to my own weirdo ways. More and more I find that self-acceptance is having no regrets for the way I go about my life and trusting my Gut will always pull me in the right direction.

[By the Stream] Being drawn to challenges and struggles is in my personality. I can see the river I grew up next to, the mighty St. Lawrence; deep, majestic, and calm. Now I look down at this stony mountain stream. It's noisy, turbulent, yet so beautiful it moves me to tears. Every crack and crevice creates swirls of bubbling chaotic beauty. It's a much rougher ride than the a deeper and calmer river, still I am pulled to that fast-paced excitement. It's neither a good thing nor a bad thing, it's just my preference."

My Heart governs self-love, it took quite a bit of inner work to repair past trauma and revive it to fulfill that function. Self-acceptance is governed by my Gut, but until now I couldn't see how to build the Trust required to concede its wisdom, fully connect with my instincts. The Gut is responsible for the expression of courage; and I know nothing so courageous as unashamedly being myself. I am who I am, a culmination of nature and nurture. It's my Head, with all its judgments and influences from the World around me, that continually perceives and labels shit as 'wrong.' I'm not blaming my Head, it has a big job, taking in so much information from so many sources and attempting to make meaning from it all; no wonder I get things confused and feel conflicted! My Gut inherently knows that I'm 'Good Enough', that I can trust myself and that I'm safe.

I can't expect anyone but myself to fully appreciate that I am not who I was, nor am I who I'll be in the future, all that matters is I trust in who I am now. I'm on my life's adventure and taking my own unique meandering path. No doubt this path looks a bit rough and overgrown in areas to others, if and when I find an easier one I may take it... Probably not though... and that's a refreshing expression of self-acceptance.

Original Publication Date 26 November 2020, Revised 14 September 2022

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