Growing up I had a pet hedgehog aptly named Sonic. Sonic pricked up and was afraid constantly at first but with repeated attempts he grew used to my scent and his new surroundings, perceiving prickle-worthy threats less and less often as he began to feel safe. My spiny mammalian friend came to trust me, eventually I could pick him up, pet him, tickle his belly, and even bathe him. Hell, it got to the point where I'd chuck him in my hoodie's pouch and take him on outdoor adventures! True to his nature however, if someone new came around or he was triggered by fearful uncertainty, he'd roll up and prickle; throwing up spikes of self protection and defense, hoping like hell everything external to him would be put off by his thorny coating and leave him the f*&# alone... Now, many years and many life experiences later, I observe the same behaviours manifest in many human social interactions... 🐇🦔🐇🦔🐇
It's so easy to misperceive someone as 'a Prick,' when really they're just 'acting prickly.' The former being a judgment-laden identity assigned to their persona, and the latter being a just characteristic tailor-made by evolution and survival of the fittest. They don't feel safe for some reason so their guard is up. The danger at the heart of this misperception is that, especially when this is our first impression of someone, it becomes an idea that we shroud in confirmation bias which then creates an entrenched implacable belief. That person is now a Prick in our minds forever-more... 👋🖕💩
But damn, who among us hasn't been guilty of prickliness? Had a rotten day and wasn't our normal happy-chappy selves? Felt a bit more stressed/less resilient, so our inner asshole was a tad closer to the surface than is typical? Been in a situation where emotions were running high, so hunkered down and hid as best we could to avoid getting caught in the turbulence? Had life experiences or innate forms of predisposition that put us on-edge when we first meet someone new, or when we're in a new/uncomfortable environment (i.e. various forms of anxiety disorders)? Or maybe, just maybe, we're carrying around unhealed trauma so we're not just pricks, we're spiked shitheads, and none the wiser to our underlying issues.
No matter the reason, getting our prickle-on is critical for maintaining our sense of psychological and physical safety. It also permits the establishment of healthy boundaries so undeserving people can't take advantage of us. Humans, like hedgehogs, adjust our levels of spikiness based on our mental and physical atmospheres, and whether or not we feel we can be ourselves, sans filter, without fear of judgment and/or negative repercussion (which of course can be either real or perceived, but guides our behaviours regardless). 🤔🐇🕳
Essentially, this distills down to how much TRUST we have in any given setting, and the people within that scene. Its the complex calculation of David Maister's Trust equation, and comprises the Intimacy element in particular. For many this can be the critical tipping point where trust is either galvanized or eroded; the difference between forming/sustaining a relationship or putting/keeping our guard up, thus being labelled as a stand-offish prick.
FEAR = MISTRUST = PROTECT SELF = PRICK
Versus
SAFE = TRUST = BE SELF = RELAX
I know which state I prefer when I'm able to empower myself and consciously choose, yet since humans are hardwired for threat most of us fail to pause long enough to engage our frontal lobes and consider the choice to be made. And admittedly, when I'm in reactive/lizard brain mode, I'll put my prickle-pants on before I even realise a serenity-skirt is an option. 😅🧠🤷
It brings to mind an impactful quote by Stephen R. Covey that lit up a veritable disco ball in my mind, and even drove a considerable bit of rewiring I dare say... 💡🕳🐇💡
Intuitively I knew these eleven black and white words held the massive world of grey that is perception versus reality. It holds the key... the key to disarming ourselves and others, to creating an environment where the spikes aren't necessary. 🔑
1) GET CURIOUS about other peoples' INTENTIONS and consider why they might portray spikiness.
We do this for ourselves so fast it escapes our notice, and we automatically accept that we're doing what we're doing for the right reason and with positive intentions, even if the actions could be perceived by others as prickishness.
2) Don't be a JUDGY ASSHOLE and MAKE ASSUMPTIONS about peoples' perceived prickly behaviours.
Create space for them to be themselves, and act in a way that suits them best. Accept that it won't likely serve anyone else best, but is no less appropriate for their sense of safety. We don't need to like or agree with their approach, just offer empathy and compassion.
Summarily, be a decent f*&#ing human and practice the golden rule, it's called GOLD for a reason. 🙏🌟💖
Right, that's the theory, now it's time for a couple of pointed stories to bring it to life. 📚🙏
Keratin Covered Coworker
The original concept for this article came to me over six years ago. I had an exceptionally peculiar coworker when I took a new role in a different team. Being a big believer in points #1 and #2 above, I did my best to remain curious and withhold adverse judgment rather than mirror his thorniness with my own bramble, thus overriding basic human instinct. 😅
No matter how cheerful I was, how genuinely I smiled, how many times I said hello or asked how they were doing... I got nothing. Zilch. Nada. 🦗 Hell, we even went to the same gym so I'd chat them up there as well. Their reaction was always the same, a mixture of startled indifference and confused nonchalance. This puzzled me exceedingly, and having a natural talent for rumination, I contemplated the plethora of weird and wonderful reasons a grown-ass human might arrive at such a disposition. 🤔
Now, I should mention, this person had a well known reputation for being a bit of a prick due to this characteristic antisocial behaviour, but f*&# do I love a challenge so I persevered in my determination to eventually break through the spiky exterior and coax this hedgehog into relaxation. Importantly, I never forced anything upon them, I simply remained extremely consistent in my conduct around them; non-confrontationally amicable. 😇
I don't remember exactly how long it took (definitely more than a month), but I damn-well recall the first time they replied to my 'Good Morning' with an extremely timid "Hi." I was chuffed! 🙌🎉 It had finally happened! Slowly, steadily, our interactions grew from single words to full sentences; and the day I made them laugh I nearly had a stroke. I couldn't know it then, but what my constancy did was demonstrate safety to my spiny coworker. We never became friends per se, but they still say hi to me to this day though I'm in a different area of our business and no longer around that particular site anymore, and I'll alway appreciate the radical perspective this person provided me... Allowing me to practice what I preach (again, see points #1 and #2 above), test my newfound esoteric theories (because, before I shifted, judgment-laden prickle-pants was my go-to f*&#ing uniform), and cultivate the ability to create space for people to simply be who they are without question or explanation (which required me to disassociate his demeanor toward me from anything about me as a person; i.e. I didn't take it personally). 👈👀🙋👏
After my separation, I did what any frightened animal would do and hightailed it to safety. A calm and familiar environment where I could recede into myself, lick my wounds, and grieve under the watchful yet un-prying eyes of trusted friends; not just friends, my adopted family. 💔👎
This patchy time in my life taught me that stress-induced migraines with accompanying speechlessness are a thing; who knew? As one can imagine, the first time it happened was terrifying, particularly for someone with an infamous 'gift of the gab.' I could form and link the words in my head, but when I tried to speak they either wouldn't come out at all or issued out as a mass of garbled rubbish, or a string of incoherent nonsense. Terrifying! 😨😵
The initial episode happened in the presence of my aforementioned loved ones, and once I had recovered and recounted how I'd felt to them, one of them responded with an off-hand comment that knocked me completely a-back... 'Sounds like what I experience any time someone says anything to me, or I'm expected to speak in a group.' [paraphrased] 😲
Despite being one of my dearest friends for over eight years, despite all prior knowledge and adoration of their innately modest nature, this throw-away comment floored me; I never truly understood how difficult it was for them to talk. A very humbling epiphany came to me... all my life I've disdainfully judged people who 'needed an invitation' to conversations. F*&# did it frustrate me, like grow a pair, OPEN YOUR MOUTH, BE HEARD, IT'S NOT THAT HARD... Or so I assumed... very wrongly. 'Stuff them if they are too insecure to speak up, why should I cater to them?!' Yes, embarrassingly, that's how I used to think, feel and act. 🤦😳🐇🕳
My friend's admission, because I was someone they trusted and felt comfortable to share such a vulnerability with, helped me realise I was using my 'gift of the gab' to poor effect. A gift I was obviously taking for granted... I feel safe and competent in nearly all social situations. I confrontingly deduced this talent elusively feeds my sense of egoic power; a skill I've abused at the expense of the people who aren't relaxed in that habitat and can't overcome the barriers required for them to speak up so easily... which is also likely why I'm not threatened when others have their backs-up. 🦔💡
I'm so grateful my friend shared this insight with me, it's allowed me to reevaluate that subconscious dysfunctional belief and ameliorate my tiny human ego (whose agenda seems to go a bit askew😅). I now see that I'm best to shut my trap, create the time and space needed for others to speak up on their own terms; or even better, use my voice to ask for their insights and empower them, establishing an atmosphere of inclusion. When I'm a prick others will react in kind, that's the darker side of human nature. So I've adjusted my focus towards applying heartfelt compassion, considering the psychological safety requirements of others so that they can relax, put away their spikes.
I don't know why it's strenuous for some to trust people and/or unprickle, but I don't need to... My culpability lies in creating and maintaining an environment where they can be themselves, spikes and all. To let them know that I'm not afraid of them, and they don't need to fear me... no judgment, no assumptions... just acceptance. 🙏💖
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