What a period of self discovery! I not only accept but now readily embrace my... how to put it... well, Self, I suppose. I describe myself as a Gypsy who looks like Sporty Spice. Someone who requires endless freedom and independence, and instead of feeling ashamed of the oddities these requirements cast upon the external perspective of my lifestyle, I'm owning them as enigmatic gifts; a stark yet interesting contrast to normalcy. More and more, I have no apologies to offer for who I am and what I need to remain healthy, peaceful and balanced in my life. On the surface I might be assigned labels such as 'selfish' or 'peculiar;' I've even heard 'brave,' which I find rather funny and confusing. The very definition of 'unconventional.' Yes, unconventional in literally everything that I do, and I love that about myself. 💎🐇
I f*&#ing hate labels, have always fought against them. Hell, when I was facing the label of 'Fat American with Type II Diabetes' I set to losing over half my body weight, and damn the consequences! I now eat a high protein, mostly plant-based diet, after an ongoing struggle with caloric compulsions, but just watch me fly off the handle when people assume I'm a vegan, vegetarian, or God forbid... 'Keto.' I eat what I enjoy, makes my body feel good, and keeps me fuelled for my workouts; no rules, no diets, no constraints. Actively restricting specific foods (unless we have a science-based physiological need) isn't sustainable and is rarely healthy, neither mentally nor physically. And let's not forget the extremes I've explored to fight against the various mental illness diagnoses/labels I've accumulated! The one label I'll accept is 'Summer Dawn Lennox.' Actually, now I think of it, this is likely why it always irked me when past partners used terms of endearment in lieu of my name. Beyonce had it right, 'Say My Name.' 😂 My name is more than a label, it's my identity, and encapsulates everything therein... the comprehensive iceberg of what I consciously express, subconsciously emit and unconsciously have yet to expose. I can't remember feeling so much authentic appreciation for myself, and I want to savour it... saturate in it. 🛀
Ironically. I always knew I was destined to be, yet was terrified to become, a single woman in my late 30's/early 40's... another shitty label 💩🏷... but here I am, and it's not so bad. I travel for work and for play, do as I please when I please, share my bizarre perspective with the World using innate written and verbal communication skills. Yes, this is indeed a life worth living... as simple and boring as it may appear to others. To be fair, it's appropriate that my life seems unpalatable to others, because envy for someone else's lifestyle is quite a toxic little beast! And I sure as shit know that I don't envy the lives of others. I certainly mean no offense, but whether it's Barbara Walters, Barbra Streisand, Barbarella or Barbara from down the street with a perfectly conventional existence (i.e., home, family, career, etc.)... I don't want a Bar of any of that! (See what I did there?! 😆🤦)
Even if it leaves me single for the rest of my life, I want 3:30am coffee and journalling, 2 hour strength-stuffed workouts, an 8pm bedtime, and a whole lot of thought-provoking psycho-sociological extroverted people-based random shit in the middle! In a very real way, it's an endless give and take of human energy, and I absolutely love it. Give me a room full of people to read and I'll give back a happy Summer! 👌😍
My 'routines' are my self-care, which keep my energy-well filled so I can offer it to others. In fact, upon reflection I'm finding this inner shift, elucidation, and sincere endorsement of my abnormalities, is aligned to a waning of my previous 'brain-driven' mode of being to a waxing of my transformed 'heart-based' existence, on a deeper level than previously described. It's my intention to actively engage with this transition now that it's on my awareness-radar. A tweak to my wiring, and one that fatefully comes with a career change, a fluctuation in the tide, ebb and flow of my life. I'm beyond grateful to my brain for it's service and many sacrifices over the years, it's ability to challenge it's own beliefs and ever-expanding willingness to hear, listen to, and accept the knowings from my Body, Heart and Spirit. Lord knows I went decades not understanding how to interpret those subtle communications, and the angst it perpectuated. I will always cherish it's intellectual discernment, ability to rapidly interpret data and unrelenting obsession with logic. These are strengths I'm thankful to have in my toolkit to leverage when it'll serve me well... but no longer will these be the literal bread-winners in my life. 🍞🏆
My heart arises, to take the leading role. It's intentions, passions, service to others, compassionate wisdom, and most importantly, it's ability to captivate and engage the hearts of others... Even, perhaps especially, those hearts that hold trauma, unhealthy bias and/or, heaven forbid, hate (BLEAK!). My heart feels both the weight of this new responsibility but also senses the joy in implementing it's limitless potential... like a well-trained amateur marathon runner at their first event without the safety net of cutting the course short... Feeling both hesitant and capable. Ready; muscles twitching in anticipation, ready to go and to have a go! Ready to lean-in, to stumble and refocus as many times as it takes, to learn; to evolve. 🙏💖
In my mind's eye I see a timeline, like a race course, along which my head has always been in first place. Over the last 12-or-so years, since beginning this weird and wonderful adventure, my heart has been catching up... and in this momentous transition it has pulled ahead every so slightly. My overall goal has always been a balanced life however, for head and heart to cross the finish line as equals, hand in hand. Regardless, I feel it's worth putting my heart in front for the foreseeable future, making up for lost time perhaps. During this pivotal period, I want to hone in on my guiding principles which are now, have been, and will continue to be, to TRUST in my whole self and the Universe, and to SERVE the Universe and the people in it as best I can, using my unique gifts and viewpoints. It's time to see what heart-based trust and service sounds, looks and feels like. 🙌🎉
Later, after my evening meditation, I saw it wasn't a competitive race between my head and heart, it was more like a relay where they were on the same team. With tears of relief for itself and tears of pride for the Heart, my exhausted Brain passed the baton. True to my dichotomous nature, I intentionally pass this baton with both fear and hope. Shifting mindsets always requires a leap of faith into the scary unknown, and even in its exhausted state I'll always tend to rely on my Brain if I don't explore other ways of being. Still, I can't commit the folly of over-correction and go too far down the Heart-led rabbit hole... because last night when I caught my oven on fire and my Heart panicked, beating madly as adrenaline coursed through my blood, it was my Brain that came to the rescue. I watched in horror, opened the door to instinctually react by grabbing the tray on fire and tossing it out of my caravan, until my clever frontal lobe overrode the reactive response with a beautiful bit of rationale... This oven was designed to hold fire, so bloody-well leave it in there! 🔥 Somehow, faster than the conscious thought could manifest, I understood the baking paper that was the source of the flames would burn itself up and I could deal with aftermath once it was safe to do so. F*$#, there's a rabbit hole right there! Being wise enough to let the fire burn instead of trying to put it out, causing more chaos and danger in the process. 👀🐇
So yes, I'll always rely on my 'brainy' intellect to a degree, but this shift is about intention as my emerging hypothesis is that our intentions are heavily influenced, if not set by, our hearts. I intend to explore how my Heart will lead... remaining tapped into my emotions and acting based on my emotional intelligence (EQ) instead of my IQ. I want to do this to both build my heart's capability and to rest my Brain, a Brain that doesn't always know when NOT to control, or exhaust itself in over-analysing everything... Opting to feel more and think less.
It'll be hard, it'll take practice, my naturally dominant Brain will need constant reminders not to jump ahead whether out of habit or impatience at my Heart's slower pace; nor will I delude myself into assuming it'll make life easier (quite the opposite at times I'd imagine! 😅), but I'll damn sure learn some gnarly shit; I'll grow... Until such time as I'm ready to shift again, many years from now, once I'm old enough to lead from my Wild Gypsy Spirit, unfettered and unencumbered, throwing caution to the wind. That way, here comes my clever Brain again... I can blame my behaviour on senility. 😆😈😇😎
Original Publication Date 28 May 2023
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