Double-Edged Sword of Determination

One of the whimsical concepts that takes up a considerable amount of glucose metabolism in my brain is the idea that many people have phenomenal amounts of passionate fiery energy, but they apply it to endeavors that serve neither themselves nor others in a truly commendable way. If only people could harness it and deploy it towards a wiser or higher purpose, this world would be a different place entirely!

• At a society level, the cunning greed that perpetuates the burning of fossil fuels would be converted to the invention of battery technology to store natural forms of energy. 
• At work, complaining about everything we hate about our jobs would manifest as proactive collaborative ways of finding solutions to repetitive problems, and re-engagement with how our work makes a meaningful contribution to the World. 
• At home, instead of yelling at each other we'd put the same communicative energy into exploring and defining the emotions sitting at the root of the argument, and invest in reaching a respectful and empathetic understanding. 
  

All humans have energy to invest, and our level of determination decides its impact on our physical World along a spectrum of extremes, like those above. Greed, selfishness and/or enforcement can drive our persistence, or it can be guided by grace and/or pro-social aspirations. As such, determination is a double-edged sword... a staunch mindset that once vested, for most, becomes implacable. We are humans on a mission, our determination generating powerful influence and certain results. Our choice is whether to wield that sword with enlightened service-based intent or egotistical ignorance; compassion or punishment. These are but extreme endpoints of this cautionary scale however, since even altruistic endeavours are rarely wholly selfless nor are anti-social agendas purely nefarious. We live in a world of grey. 😇💫😈

Wondrous warriors turn to destructive dictators if/when we fail to check: 

1) Where our initial intention and mindset lay on the continuum or,

2) Continually track any questionable shifts in mindset along the continuum as we exercise our willpower.

Otherwise the original ambition could get lost in the melee. We end up in a battle we never meant to fight, accumulating scars as we cut ourselves with our own sword of determination... F*&#-ing BLEAK!

Woah, esoteric much? ... So, what was the thought that instigated the genesis of this grand theory?

There is no one more determined than an anorexic.  

I appreciate that's a triggering statement, likely provoking a spiky reaction and a hell of a lot of assumptions and biases. Pause please, abstain from judgment until open-mindedly considering an unconventional perspective... 🙏🐇

This thought popped into my head one morning during a long training run as I reflected on my own innate tenacity of character... expressed as razor-sharp, brute-force, iron-clad determination. My sword is mighty indeed. Hell, I should give it a 'Lord of the Rings' type name... like Conscientia! [Latin for awareness] 😅🤓

I'll start by saying I love this quality in myself, consider it one of my feature superpowers, but for reasons elucidated in the examples below, it inspires 3 parts pride : 5 parts frustration : 2 parts amusement due to its utter ridiculousness (only humourous after an appropriate breathing period, in hindsight 😳🤷). Learning how to effectively manage and balance Conscientia was hard-earned. It took years of trial and error based fencing, I cut myself many times, as demonstarted in the poignant instances that follow, and I still do from time to time (though it's decidedly less!). Each sparring session makes me a more adept swords-woman. I deliberately review pivotal times in my life, critical decisions and desirous goals I've set, and I do my best to learn from what enabled me to win, and what led to cast-worthy cuts.  

Three admonishing narratives that illustrate what it looks like when mindsets shift, and my unwavering will wound up wounding me... 🐇🕳

Edgy Weight Loss

I began to write about the massive journey I undertook at the tender age of 23, one that shaped me literally and figuratively as I went from morbidly obese to gaunt emaciation. In it I explored the underlying emotions that led to my childhood girthiness. If I'm honest, brutally f*&#ing candid, I haven't finished that 3-part epic; I can't, it's too painful... even now... over 16 years later. The cause of this sting is a self-inflicted injury, the one leading to the initial thought which motivated me to create this very article. Controversially perhaps, I think Anorexia demonstrates astounding fortitude of character, requiring arguably supernatural strength; but represents passion grievously misspent. I would not wish it on my worst enemy... Ugh. I'll leave it there and succinctly relay how my mindsets shifted, allowing the readers to fill in the gaps. 🤦🙏😔

  

Wellness Mindset: Don't be another 'fat American' with type II diabetes

Sharpened Mindset: Get to goal weight as quickly as possible

Mindset Scar: Keep the weight off at all costs

Acute Anxiety

I've dealt with chronic, and at times debilitating, anxiety from a very young age. Indeed, processing and healing my anxiety via self-administered Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) inspired many a post of my previous blog. Oh, and there is the critical point subtly embedded in that innocent sentence... self-administered. The few times my anxiety got so bad I landed myself in a hospital, the doctors told me that I needed medication, that my case was severe and I'd need pills for the rest of my life to function as a healthy human being. Well, I decided early on that wasn't for me. I'll admit, I attained an anxiety-free life in the end, but when I reflect on that laborious trek I can't help but think I made things unnecessarily difficult for myself... Not to mention the horrific bias I heaped upon those who did rely on medication. 💊🚫🙈
 

Wellness Mindset: Manage anxiety without becoming a pill-popping zombie (judgy much? 😨), explore the root cause(s) instead of treating the direct cause and symptoms

Sharpened Mindset: It is my fault that I have anxiety, so I must deal with it on my own, I don't deserve help

Mindset Scar: If I don't stick to a strict, time tested and proven, anti-anxiety regime then it'll come back

Pointed Marathon

Because irony is one of the great loves of my life, I decided that to overcome my aforementioned refuelling issues (i.e. disordered, restricted, eating) was to train for a marathon. It actually worked wonderfully. Simply put, if I didn't eat enough to hit my training schedule and run the required amount of kilometers (kms), then I wouldn't hit my goal. And during a particularly memorable training run, I realised that erring on the low side of caloric intake would literally land me in a ditch, inert and shaking until some good samaritan found me and fed me some chocolate. After that, I can safely say I learned to eat and eat well! 🤷🍫

So, what's better than running a marathon? Running multiple marathons! For my second I was dead-keen to achieve a sub-5 hour time... and that's what I did... along with accumulating hip and knee damage that led to near-immobility for months. 🕕💩👏

Wellness Mindset: Prove to myself that I'm strong, capable and resilient enough to reach the pinnacle of fitness while also surmounting disordered eating

Sharpened Mindset: Train relentlessly, push through pain, and ALWAYS run more km's than scheduled to ensure I reach the finish line before 5 hours

Mindset Scar: Keep it up or I'll lose all my fitness, continually get stronger and train harder, eat only if I've earnt it by training in some form or fashion

All wellness-inspired ambitions, seemingly worthy uses of my precious energy. Yet in each disconcerting sparring lesson, I humbly accept that my determined mindsets were either questionable from the start (mainly out of ignorance, not mal-intent/self-sabotage), or slipped from compassion/permission to punishment/enforcement along the sharp slope of the determination spectrum. In all instances, Conscientia had turned against me because I lost sight of true health and thus misused my energy, serving neither me nor anyone else in a beneficial way. On the battlefield of determination, it's dangerously easy to forget why we first picked up the sword. The true intention and purpose can become convoluted, and when it does we're likely to bleed. 🩸🗡

As I age, grow wiser, rewire and heal these dysfunctional mindset scars through self-reflection and brutal honesty about how and when I get in my own way, I've come to know the point at which I'm at risk of cutting myself by this resolve. When to lean-in and fight with valor, and when to sit back and let the battle unfold without my personal contribution. 🙏🙉💖

My solace moving forward is the discovery of a fight genuinely deserving of my superpower and Conscientia's might. If and when I pick up my sword it will be to protect my own or anyone else's sense of Self Worth, preserve the beauty and balance of our Planet, or to defend honesty and unadulterated truth. I will no longer fear the intensity of my tenacious Spirit. I know I can go overboard, have learnt from life-altering lessons. I will TRUST in my new pursuit, appropriately focused on a balanced approach, explicit awareness and trusted intuition; not just for the betterment of myself, but for the whole World, lest I forget that extreme conviction only leads to self-inflicted overwhelm and preventable punctures. I appreciate how utopian that sounds, but f*&# I'm determined...👀😆🙄

Original Publication Date 07 January 2024