I dated someone for about two seconds awhile back, coincidentally the same dude who inspired some intuitive decision making in my recent 20MRH podcast on Courage, and it reminds me how I'm able to remain grateful for all experiences; a newly developed quality that has literally changed the way I interact with the World. But I digress, the point is that somehow this guy's vocation led me to some astounding conclusions about myself and how I 'show up' in my life, which I hope will prove both amusing and enlightening.
As we awkwardly got to know each other, he told me he operated cranes to organise and load shipping containers. My brain immediately envisioned freight boxes being meticulously placed to fit, just-so, on a ship for adventurous travels to a foreign land. How fun! I excitedly looked at him and said 'Like Tetris!' He chuckled and agreed, conceding he'd never seen it that way before, but... blah, blah, blah... I was no longer really listening to him. Instead, I was following mental bunnies down a rabbit hole. ððð
Choo Choo, Get Ready for a Ride on the Crazy Train! ð
My literal line of thought as I 'fell' ...
As we awkwardly got to know each other, he told me he operated cranes to organise and load shipping containers. My brain immediately envisioned freight boxes being meticulously placed to fit, just-so, on a ship for adventurous travels to a foreign land. How fun! I excitedly looked at him and said 'Like Tetris!' He chuckled and agreed, conceding he'd never seen it that way before, but... blah, blah, blah... I was no longer really listening to him. Instead, I was following mental bunnies down a rabbit hole. ððð
Choo Choo, Get Ready for a Ride on the Crazy Train! ð
My literal line of thought as I 'fell' ...
- Tetris...getting all the tiny pieces to fit together
- It starts off easy, naturally, any old piece will do really; there's so much potential!
- The more levels I pass, the faster they come and I'm less able to manage the load
- The music gets faster, the pressure is growing
- Pretty soon I'm haphazardly shoving shit I can't figure out what to do with to one side; I'll get to those later
- Oh boy, here they come, faster now, I'm running out of time, and I've got an utter mess in the corner
- The game ends in a panic, my heart's racing, I feel defeated... yet something makes me give it another go, trying to get further on the next go
- Damn it... why didn't the board completely clear from the last game?
- I can't hope to win, I'm starting at a disadvantage!
- Some people enjoy the game, they've kept at it and learnt from every loss...but me? ð
What I realise now, with all the 'work' that I've done, is that I didn't know myself. I never believed myself capable of having healthy relationships. Thinking I couldn't win, I never wanted to play. So now here I am, a tried and true novice, attempting to date for the first time in my mid-30s, small wonder I feel like I'm running out of time and the pieces don't fit. Over the next few days, however, aspects of the visual analogy unfolded as I digested these concepts, equal parts entertaining and deeply disturbing. The latter because, admittedly, I still do perceive myself as being at an unfortunate disadvantage. (Get out the party hats, everyone's invited to my pity party!ð)
Let me focus on the former, more light-hearted concepts, lest I forget it's a choice to dwell on the shitty things in life rather than concentrate on the humorous. I'm nothing if not a resolute smart-ass!
Beginners Level
Oh to be young! The first hilarious idea that came to me was someone in their early 20's, very likely drunk at a dance club, playing Relational Tetris (RT) simply for the hell of it. A game, indeed. Like the picture above, there is so much potential, so much room to f*$# up! Any shape and colour would do, put it anywhere, who cares?! No need to deal with the repercussions right now. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to playing at this level. On my current plane of awareness and with my modest degree of wisdom, however, I can't say I was doing it for fun...
Filling the Void
Yup, that sounds more accurate! Allow me to sum up over 30 years of emotional stuntedness in one nauseating sentence. I never believed my family loved me, I never learned how to love myself, and I've been operating (haphazardly) under a false belief that everyone had always and would always reject and/or abandon me. F&*#-ing BLEAK!, but so so true. Only recently have I awoken from that self-imposed nightmare. I was good at the 20's level, eerily so, because I never gave a flying f*$# for relationships; never trusted anyone to stick around.
If we're seeking to fill the void, a void created by a chronic lack of love, shit is eventually going to fall over. There's no way to pass that level harbouring such a detrimental mindset, such a lack of self worth. We'll continually strive to reach the next stage and fail, impeded by our own false beliefs. As a consequence some give up the game completely, while others become obsessed with playing.
And hey, if that's what people want for their lives, that's completely fine! I authentically mean that, but this article is for the seekers... people like me... who want to escape the chains of their own bullshit... BUT HOW?! ððĩ
This is where I'll broaden the analogy a bit. For me these 'pieces' represented relationships because that is my inherent weakness, my insatiable need for love and companionship; something I just can't seem to get right. They'll be different for others, relating to various things in our lives that create our reality. Indeed, as humans we need to 'fill the void' with lots of stuff, not all of which lead us to achieve the next level as we aspired... they can even set us back or keep us in the same cycles.
Owning My Shit... I Mean Shape
Whether we're talking about relationships, material possessions or careers, one critical mindset shift is needed to play the game effectively: BE THE DAMNED SHAPE.
It took a lot of 'work' but I made the steadfast decision to get to know my shape, where I fit in, what other shapes I wanted around me and how it all fit together, or didn't. Good ol' fashion trial and error. No failure, only feedback. Then I chose to be my shape and authentically love my shape no matter what. Full stop. Without reason, whole-hearted self-acceptance; the good, the bad, the hilarious, the hideous and the down-right annoying. No more continually striving and wishing I was different. No, 'I'll be perfect when I have $X amount', or 'the model family', or 'after I've lost #X kgs of weight', or 'once I have a flash job title', or 'own a flying car', or 'live in Istanbul', etc. It finally occurred to me that I was going about life completely backwards.
Once that self-knowing starts coming to fruition, typically in our early 30's, we can be a bit smarter about how we play this game. I've lost my zeal for filling the void simply because I can't tolerate the empty spaces and unbearable discomfort. I want the pieces that are going to fit me, understanding I may have to wait. And sure, life is never perfect and sometimes I need to burn through a few boards because the right pieces simply aren't showing up. But that doesn't stop me from learning along the way!
Beginners Level
Oh to be young! The first hilarious idea that came to me was someone in their early 20's, very likely drunk at a dance club, playing Relational Tetris (RT) simply for the hell of it. A game, indeed. Like the picture above, there is so much potential, so much room to f*$# up! Any shape and colour would do, put it anywhere, who cares?! No need to deal with the repercussions right now. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to playing at this level. On my current plane of awareness and with my modest degree of wisdom, however, I can't say I was doing it for fun...
Filling the Void
Yup, that sounds more accurate! Allow me to sum up over 30 years of emotional stuntedness in one nauseating sentence. I never believed my family loved me, I never learned how to love myself, and I've been operating (haphazardly) under a false belief that everyone had always and would always reject and/or abandon me. F&*#-ing BLEAK!, but so so true. Only recently have I awoken from that self-imposed nightmare. I was good at the 20's level, eerily so, because I never gave a flying f*$# for relationships; never trusted anyone to stick around.
If we're seeking to fill the void, a void created by a chronic lack of love, shit is eventually going to fall over. There's no way to pass that level harbouring such a detrimental mindset, such a lack of self worth. We'll continually strive to reach the next stage and fail, impeded by our own false beliefs. As a consequence some give up the game completely, while others become obsessed with playing.
And hey, if that's what people want for their lives, that's completely fine! I authentically mean that, but this article is for the seekers... people like me... who want to escape the chains of their own bullshit... BUT HOW?! ððĩ
 |
Owning My Shit... I Mean Shape
Whether we're talking about relationships, material possessions or careers, one critical mindset shift is needed to play the game effectively: BE THE DAMNED SHAPE.
It took a lot of 'work' but I made the steadfast decision to get to know my shape, where I fit in, what other shapes I wanted around me and how it all fit together, or didn't. Good ol' fashion trial and error. No failure, only feedback. Then I chose to be my shape and authentically love my shape no matter what. Full stop. Without reason, whole-hearted self-acceptance; the good, the bad, the hilarious, the hideous and the down-right annoying. No more continually striving and wishing I was different. No, 'I'll be perfect when I have $X amount', or 'the model family', or 'after I've lost #X kgs of weight', or 'once I have a flash job title', or 'own a flying car', or 'live in Istanbul', etc. It finally occurred to me that I was going about life completely backwards.
I was trying to change myself to fit into life, instead of choosing to own who I am and make decisions that would allow life to fit in around me.
Once that self-knowing starts coming to fruition, typically in our early 30's, we can be a bit smarter about how we play this game. I've lost my zeal for filling the void simply because I can't tolerate the empty spaces and unbearable discomfort. I want the pieces that are going to fit me, understanding I may have to wait. And sure, life is never perfect and sometimes I need to burn through a few boards because the right pieces simply aren't showing up. But that doesn't stop me from learning along the way!
Original Publication Date 25 April 2019, Revised 06 September 2022
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