TRIGGER WARNING: Contains eating-disorder and psychotic episode related content.
Another walk with a wise friend and another, very interesting, rabbit hole! As we shared some stories from our childhoods I spoke about one where a friend and I built a, well, it was effectively a porch and less of the fort we'd intended. I began the story with how I was upset with the other kids in some way (they weren't playing with me, I got pissed because they weren't listening to me, etc.) and how 'I packed a sad ... [pause] .... probably to get attention....' 💥🐇
My friend sarcastically reacted with 'No! Not you?!' to which I half-laughed half-blushed and said 'Yes, I'm self aware enough to know I do that'.... but did I really? Because in that moment I literally felt myself being drawn down the rabbit hole and saw, ashamedly, how I may still do this in my life though I thought it was a childhood habit. If that were true, however, this friend who has known me for less than two years would not have had that response. I had to draw the logical conclusion that this unsavoury tendancy was still with me...
To be fair, as a child, if I didn't throw a tantrum in some way, shape or form, I was never going to get attention. It's also inherent to my personality to stand out and be charismatic, to put it nicely. To put it not-so-nicely, I'm f*%#-ing loud and just a touch obnoxious! So part of it is just how I'm wired, which I feel is acceptable, but part of it is unhealthy attention seeking. And I only say 'unhealthy' because it causes me unnecessary pain that I don't deserve. Another childhood condition shaped and warped into an adult habit that fell into my subconscious, driving behaviours I don't really want but don't know how to escape.... until this happens. Until I see the root cause and address it; consciously shifting the thoughts and behaviours.
Funny, I was just thinking yesterday 'they don't call it "root" cause because it's easy to find or fix.' When there's an issue with roots we have to dig them up and get our hands dirty! And sometimes we need to toss the plant and start over with completely new roots!
Anyway, in a flash I saw my dramas.... all the drama that's 'followed' me around my whole life. All the drama I SAY I don't want. All the drama I'm certain is mysteriously drawn to me. But is it? Isn't that 'drama' converted to stories I tell my friends who then give me attention in some way?
I falsely believe that when everything is copasetic I'm 'boring' and no one will want to hang out with me. But no, my life is far from boring! Now I have a weird stalker situation so people can worry about me, and now I'm having issues at work and need some advice, and now this guy I like is giving me mixed messages so I'd like to have a bitch about it .... so on and so forth. I never once stopped to consider that aspects of these dramas are blown up bigger than they need to be, because drama is 2 parts bullshit and 3 parts exciting! Hello reality TV that everyone is addicted to! I do the same, but without the cameras. I don't watch TV, I'd [presumably] rather create it! In truth, we all do this to some degree.
I went to bed, no, I was meditating... and saw yet another example of this attention seeking drama.... but this time it was to get my OWN attention; an example which was confronting enough to really shake some stuff loose. How loud do our thoughts, feelings and behaviours have to get before we finally pay attention to ourselves, to our subconscious callings?
Yikes... Years and years I walked the razor's edge. Eating only just enough to avoid falling over, constantly setting myself up for low blood sugar episodes and fainting spells. What were those but a cry for help that my chronic fear of weight gain led me to ignore? These 'attacks' were perfectly preventable for the most part, all I needed to do was f*$!-ing eat! I can wear a badge that says 'I get low blood sugar,' so people need to care for me and help me, but what about the fact that if I took care of myself first, the latter would never be an actual necessity?!
How did I come to realise this?🤔🐇 By reflecting on the psychotic episode I had the day he left me. My body got so fed up with my brain's irrational fear and obsession with control around my food intake that they literally split themselves apart, called it quits. I was desperate to get my own attention, to heal this eight-plus year brain disease that derailed every external relationship I had because it was also sabotaging my internal relationship. That day I broke up with myself and he broke up with me, in that order.
I will never in my life forget what it felt like. The absolute terror. Watching myself, from outside of my own body, acting like a complete lunatic and ruining my two year relationship right before my esoteric-eyes. I felt sorry for myself, but also felt self-hatred, shame, and an odd sense of justice; I thought I deserved the horrific fall-out of this event.... Why? Because I needed to change. It was time to wake up to the real issues and end the cycle once and for all, and I was bearing witness to the stimulus of that change. My roots had gradually shrivelled up from self-neglect, and also actively ripped out by a lifetime of unhealthy mindsets and false beliefs I held as self-evident truths. My plant had finally fallen over, there was nothing keeping me grounded and I was utterly alone; a tumbleweed in the wind... the only sensation I was left with was that of feeling completely stripped.
That was over two years ago now, and all I feel is gratitude. I did it, somehow, against all odds. I came back to myself, put myself back together like humpty dumpty, vowed to break open again, to care for myself, to know my worth, and to feed myself without guilt. I still struggle, but now I have a critical piece of the puzzle. I understand what happened in a new light. I was seeking my own attention by creating drama; by constantly fighting against both myself and the partner who left. I used to think that he had a choice and I didn't, to leave, but that's another false belief. People give up on themselves all the time... they switch off and fall into various forms of addiction to distract themselves... like I used to do. The pain served a larger purpose, it gave me the courage to finally be fully present in my life. Everyday since has been a new adventure. It now feels like all of that happened to someone else.
I'm left pondering.....
The Gory Details From Two Perspectives...
I'm going to elaborate, after years of reflection on my out-of-body experience, and describe it from a couple of different perspectives. Hell, the sheer life-altering significance of the episode in itself warrants a proper analysis. 🔎🤔 Additionally, psychotic episodes are not openly discussed as often as they ought to be since they still carry the heavy weight of social stigma; which is utter BULLSHIT. Most importantly however, if what it taught me can help others, it's worth a bit of self-inflicted humiliation. 😅
Biological Explanation (What I Believe Happened): Severe caloric deprivation and treacherously low blood sugar levels 'disabled' my brain and induced a psychotic episode. All manner of neurotransmission and inhibitory pathways that typically keep us in a psychologically stable and apt state went hay-wire and, as a result, I experienced my Spirit literally leaving my body while remaining conscious. I sat watching myself, like a tragic and twisted reality TV show, undergoing self-implosion; powerless to stop myself. I won't refer to actual research articles here, but there have been heaps of fascinating scientific publications exploring the biological causes of panic attacks and out-of-body-experiences, well worth looking up for those who want to 'pull that string.' 🧶📚
Fun Facts! 🧠
- The brain nearly exclusively uses the process of glycolysis using sugar rather than oxygen as its primary fuel source, which is why low-blood sugar levels can inflict such havoc on our psyches. Coincidentally, this is also why 'no sugar' diets are stupid, not to mention dangerous.
- Hallucinogenic drugs cause us to 'lose it' not because they make our brains 'do something,' but because they don't! 😳 Our brains are truly incredible, and most of our mental energy is spent controlling and/or inhibiting neuronal activity. When those 'neurological handbreaks' are released, we trip balls!
Spiritual Explanation (What I Know Happened): In those brief seconds that felt like a lifetime, my Spirit sent a crystal clear message to my control-freak of a mind:
"I have a CHOICE to stay. If 'you' insist on starving me, neglecting and rejecting me, ignoring the urges of Body and Spirit, refuse us the FREEDOM we deserve, I will leave... and there's sweet F*%$-all 'you' can do about it!"
A humbling experience to say the least 🙇. My brain had so much to atone for, having bullied the rest of my Being since I could remember, but luckily I'm equipped with a forgiving Spirit (we all are 😉🙏🕊). I begged, pleaded for my Soul to return, promised I'd finally change and learn how to communicate with my Body and Spirit, how to give them their own voice and genuinely listen, live my life in a more balanced way instead of solely from the neck-up.
I'll leave it to my audience to apply these two vantage points and approach them with whatever amount of healthy scepticism they feel is appropriate. Not everyone is ready to explore the weird and wonderful Spiritual aspects of our World, or ourselves for that matter... especially since the Biological and Physical seem nutty enough. 😉💫💕
Original Publication Date 28 April 2019, Revised 08 January 2023
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