People always tell me that I'm too hard on myself, but f&$# they don't know the half of it! Sometimes I fear my mind is so full of rabbit holes that I'm trapped in here, on an endless quest to find self-acceptance, but a very disturbing thought occurs to me... as absolutely f%@*ed up as it is, I must subconsciously fear being 'good enough' because then I could just relax and be myself... nothing to strive for... and if I'm honest, that sounds dreadfully boring. No goal? No thank you! So instead I'm left with the extremely confronting fact that I berate myself, not out of an actual belief that I'm not 'good enough,' but out of a fear of boredom. I strive for the sake of striving, I struggle as a means of masochistic, if not existential, entertainment... Sweet Jesus. I make life harder for myself because I've come to expect life to be hard... And what we think, we will manifest. 👀👈💣
Ugh, my poor brain hurts. Is it just my personality? The type of person who is either never quite satisfied with myself, or feeds myself lies that what I've accomplished or who I am isn't quite 'good enough?' Am I someone who couldn't relax even if I wanted to? Would I even know how? Somewhere along the way I've either forgotten the magic formulae, was never taught the skills or never gifted the tools! Drama from the age of Day Zero has led to an addiction to perpetuating dramatics by opting to fear boredom in its weird and wonderful forms, like relaxation and self-acceptance. A dangerous limiting belief that self-care is for people with nothing better to do?! 😬
In this way drama, striving, never having or being 'enough', fends off boredom and even leaves me with a sense of excitement and purpose... but is it a purposeful purpose? A purpose that serves me well and nurtures wellbeing? I'd have to say 'Damn No!' based on previous data... 👀 🤷
Conceptually I understand this, but how the hell do I enter a mindset where it's no longer necessary? How do I shift it; kick the habit? Set aside a time when I practice being 'good enough' and whatever I'm doing is 'good enough,' time to relax into being myself and do nothing. I've struggled with this a lot. For many years I used to consciously practice accepting myself, this is not new... I don't recall it being a major issue again until my very recent growth spurt, so maybe it's time to think about it from a new and/or deeper perspective. Here I go with the 'meta' shit again... The issue isn't that I feel I'm not 'good enough,' it's that I'm not good enough at being not 'good enough!'... FFS. 😂💆💞
So... the question becomes, do I accept who I am and continue lashing myself with a 'not good enough' whip, or do I attempt to learn to slow down, stop even; learn that it's ok to be me, it's safe to be me, just as I am, because I can trust myself ... my WHOLE SELF ... Ah yes, and there is it... the deeper layer. 'Not good enough' is a lie I feed myself, because I'm still learning how to trust myself and how to integrate all that I am into one being... I don't yet trust my intuitive sense, base instincts, and heartfelt urges. Until I fully trust myself, no other meaningful changes can occur. I'll always be afraid to live in my own skin. For me, there is no safety without trust. What a radical notion... 💥🐇💡
UPDATE... 3 years on (now barking at the heels of 40), nearly to the fateful day (said because I set out to do this revision having no conscious clue it was an anniverary! 😅), and while I won't deny I still feel this way at times I also want to celebrate that I'm infinitely better able to practice what Dr. Wayne Dyer, my personal transformation superhero, taught me... both to confront the fear within so I can simply 'be'... at peace in my WHOLE SELF instead of needing to 'do'... driven by the chaos of spiders in my brain and snakes in my heart. Indeed, Dr. Wayne woke me to so much, in particular how to protect my innate worth instead of listening to self-destructive false narratives fuelled from a lifetime of bullshit. 🐮💩
So as I continue to heal, un-wire and re-wire my brain, bring myself closer to the person I want to become, I also endeavor to remember to accept responsibility for the quality of my thoughts and fully appreciate and own their power. Our mind is a sword, sharp and dangerous... sometimes we cut ourselves and sometimes we cut others; the INTENTIONS underlying its use are PARAMOUNT. A truly skilled warrior knows when to weild their sword and when to yield it; when we understand this, we feel secure enough in our abilities and sense of Self that we no longer need to fight ourselves or others. Effectively, we stop being pricks and assholes. 😅😇
Another Creepy Coincidence... Dr. Wayne saved my Spirit. My life changed 12 years ago when I suffered my first heartbreak and realised I had some significant inner work to do... work required to hold meaningful relationships with my Self and others... work that Dr. Wayne very much informed and heavily influenced. On August 27th 2015 I spent many dollars I didn't feel I had to spare to get my ass to Auckland to see him in person, knowing the value was beyond material. How could I miss the opportunity to hear him speak in the flesh?! What's more, it was his first time back in NZ after 10 years! No, I had to go, no matter the cost... and I did, and it was lovely and I reconnected with his teachings just in time to ease me through the turbulence of another tenuous romatic relationship that led to my second major split. Three days after that event, he died in his sleep... coincidence? maybe... likely... but maybe not... maybe his Spirit stayed around just long enough to help me and the others in the room that night, just maybe...🤔🙏💖🐇
Original Publication Date 25 November 2020, Revised 26 November 2023
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