The Spectrum

I've already touched upon the enigmatic expanse of confidence, yet feel something remains amiss. I hadn’t yet sussed out what constitutes true, authentic, confidence. How do we know when it’s real, either within ourselves or others? Humans are both competent in and capable of appearing confident when we actually feel almost debilitatingly insecure. Call it ‘fake it until you make it,’ or 'doing the duck;' each carries an element of chaos hidden underneath what would otherwise seem a smooth forward trajectory to others.  Conversely, we can remain entirely blind to these underlying insecurities and subconsciously overcompensate by blowing straight past confidence to conceit. Somewhere between the two extremes we achieve a notion of ‘I've got this’ with no other residual emotional undertones whispering in the depths of our psyche, the sweet spot of security. So how do we know when we've hit this fulcrum upon which we can BALANCE and maintain a healthy sense of Self? 🐇😵🐇

Luckily, a friend who shares my enthusiasm for esoteric gymnastics helped me locate the missing piece of this puzzle. A culmination of what I attempted to describe as dichotomous emotions along with leveling-up in the worth department. These concepts lay on a SPECTRUM 🌈. What we think versus how we feel constitutes the axis of this spectrum, and our inner dialogue allows those two intelligence centres to communicate (or argue, depending on where we are in our adventures 😅). Conflict does unfortunately reign however, as the western world socially conditions us to rely heavily on our logical brains, leaving intuitive feelings for post-modern hippies and batty new-age spiritualists 🙋. This often leaves us confused and frustrated, THINKING our feelings rather than actually FEELING our feelings; receiving the 'communication' as a tried and true heartfelt sense, instead of a thought solely from the Brain (a subtle difference that eludes us until we experience it first-hand). 🐇🤯🐇

Here's my hypothesis after nearly 14 years of polking both head and heart with the double-edged sword of awareness... The interaction between these two sources of information, Head IQ Vs. Heart EQ, establishes a critical relationship within ourselves. For myself, I've discovered that this is the most essential and meaningful relationship I will ever be in, yet I was dangerously unaware of how past traumas had obliterated this precious partnership. My brain grew accustomed to bullying and asserting its control over the calm and quiet pleads from my heart, smothering that intuitive voice, willfully deaf to its input. A rather f&*#-ing BLEAK end of the spectrum to be on! Still, I know others who predominantly ‘follow their heart’ and wind up in the shit for making blatantly illogical/impractical decisions, all in the pursuit of the warm fuzzies, perpetual happiness, or love/attention/approval from others. Worse yet what of those people, dare I say 'The Donald' who seem blissfully unaware of any shortcomings they may have, going through life blaming others for any misfortune they might meet or believing they're legitimately better than them and thus deserve a bigger slice of the pie. Yikes 😳. I'd strongly argue that their inner relationship and heart/brain communication circuits is just as dysfunctional as mine were before undertaking the mammoth effort of healing. 🐇🙏💖

Balancing on this spectrum requires us to REFLECT, become aware and get f**#$ing honest about what we think and how we feel; owning both our strengths and opportunities to develop further, and accepting the current version of ourselves with integrity without regret. Allowing Brain and Heart to listen  to each other, reconcile any points of contention, hopefully resulting in more balanced decisions and growth spurts in our sense of 'wholeness' and wisdom.

And since this is the Rabbit Hole, here’s another caveat to consider: I find that emotions which arise from my hearts' intuitive vibes tend to be more stable and consistent throughout time, that fundamental “I know who I am, what I like, and what pisses me off”... no matter how many times I try to convince myself otherwise to suit the current situation and/or relationship. Alternatively, slippery emotions that arise from thoughts are much more turbulent and transient. These thought-based emotions were almost exclusively instigated by social conditioning and past experiences, which at times make them inherently flawed false beliefs. My hyper-analytical brain tends to operate at squalling extremes, whereas my heart takes a more patience and steady approach. For example, my heart would never feel that putting my hand in a boiling pot is a good idea but my brain might if it thinks I need the $100 simmering at the bottom. 

Our intuition lets us know when something is good (🦋) or bad (💩), and these sensations persist over time; they stay with us for a while. How do I know?... because the phrase 'I should have listened to my gut' is so f*%#ing common! By comparison, the rapidity of analysis, complex interpretation of 'go'/'no go' inputs, has our brains' undergoing emotional whiplash as we transition from loving to hating something, and back again, in a matter of mere seconds. And hey, this is just a 'brainy' concept formed at this specific stage of my evolution, so maybe it'll change... but it feels right. 😂😉🐇

I happened upon this hypothesis honestly as I began to sort through my inner bullshit; sorry, 'opportunites' (it's all about perspective after-all 😝💖😇). The scars left by my aforementioned trauma had these two voices in ceaseless conflict; severe and diagnosible anxiety ensued. My heart yearning to love and trust, my brain opting for rationality and risk-aversion. Allowing my brain to prevail seemed the safer option, in a misled yet well-intentioned attempt to protect my heart from further suffering. Ironically the panic I experienced swinging wildly between IQ and EQ, racing along the axes of the spectrum at a pace even The Flash would envy, literally had my heart beating to bursting point. I’d then beat myself up with a ten tonne naughty stick for making such a righteous mess of everything and failing to be more compassionate. IRONY. Buying into the toxic lie that I deserved the torment because I was imperfect, broken. Intuitively however, I knew all I had to do was sit back and watch things unfold, get out of my own way. Without a belief of the bigger picture, something that knew more than my tiny human ego, what I came to treasure as an avid faith in the Universe, my intuition scarred the shit out of my brain because it was foundless and risky. If I'm honest, it still does. The difference is that I'm now conscious of this spectrum, of the two voices and why they might get it a pissing match from time to time. This allows me to deliberately balance and remain within the Sweet Spot... Plus or minus the odd-tainty. 😂😖😎 

I reckon if having a healthy inner relationship was easy, there would be a lot less assholes and pain in this world.  This is why I strongly feel that the gateway to the sweet spot, to balance, is trust. Trust in ourselves to take care of situations that directly involve us, and trust in the Universe to sort out everything else that’s outside of our scope of our influence.

The result of this integrated TRUST is security. 🔐🙏💖

Original Publication Date 02 February 2019, Revised 25 June 2023

Perception Versus Reality

I’m fully aware that my constant pursuit of a deeper knowing and expansion of my human consciousness has made me, and will continue to make me, ‘different’ in the eyes of others. Sure, 'normal' is a on a spectrum, but I think we can all agree I've flown well past the extreme end of f*$@ing out-there; the 'reality' of my personal purpose and how I achieve it will be 'perceived' by others to varying degrees of that extremity. 😝💖😵

I’m constantly curious, but about my own thoughts and feelings and those of everyone around me. Do I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADHD) and or an Eating Disorder (ED)? F*$# knows… Am I human? Yes, yes I am (whether I bloody like it or not, at times 😅). Does my mind play tricks on me, feed me a narrative that is out of touch with the realities of other people’s perception of me? Almost certainly… Am I the fun kind of crazy or actually crazy? Jury's still out… It depends on the day, the circumstances, the context surrounding the situation, the people involved and how well they 'know' me, or even how well they want to know me. It’s all just a swirling mass of subconscious biases and conditioned thoughts, feelings and behaviours, faulted memories of previous experiences and personal motivational drivers. These compose my reality, and the behaviours they motivate inform people’s perception of me which may or may not align with my own perception of Self. What a RABBIT HOLE! 🕳🐇

I’ve done a hell of a lot of re-wiring, led myself through a deconstruction of who I was conditioned to be through familial upbringing and societal conventions to discover who I truly am... it got scary, I can't lie. It tested the boundaries of my sanity, literally. But F*$@, what did I have to lose? According to many others I was already 'mentally ill.'  Ironically however, the more I embraced all the diagnoses I'd accumulated and vowed "Dammit, I'll love myself for this too!" the less these misjudged 'illnesses' have dominated my life. I've learned to accept this innate wiring of my brain chemistry, that I can’t necessarily shift, with as much grace and as little self-punishment as possible. Letting go of the concept of imperfection has been a long slow slog for me. But what else can I do? 👉💩🗻😂

When I observe thoughts, emotions and reactions that don’t serve me or others within my sphere of influence, well, I do my best to practice new thoughts and ways of behaving. I endeavour to become aware of these old narratives and assumptions, challenge them in real-time and try to prove them wrong in hopes of either re-writing the script or validating them… both are critical data needed to understand the reality of the situation. Why do I do this so vehemently? To put it bluntly… to stop being such a judgmental dick to myself and others, to become more compassionate, empathetic, open-minded and authentically kind. To allow people the honour of feeling safe to be themselves around me, but also let them know if/when they’ve crossed one of my trigger points because healthy boundaries keep us all safe, as well as cultivating and preserving a sense of genuine self esteem.

What we tell ourselves, how we behave towards ourselves, is how we’ll talk to and treat others; whether we’re conscious of that or not is a completely different story. I give others the advice and feedback that I strive to follow my magnificently-fallible Self. None among us is exempt from such human follies, which are a consequence of our threat-based survivalist lizard-brain. We’re on constant guard, surveying our lives and the lives of others looking for issues and dangers that might make us uncomfortable or disempower us. Unfortunately, treating ourselves and others as ‘problems to be solved’ doesn’t leave much room for kindness, open-mindedness and/or non-judgment. 👎👀

I spend a hell of a lot of brain energy on this stuff, if for no other reason than to distract those threat-based circuits and get them firing towards something more empowering; remaining GRATEFUL for my life, in all its shit-showing glory, and seeing solutions/opportunities instead of issues/problems. There is no failure, no mistakes... only things to learn from, taking it on the chin if/when necessary since we're often the cause of our own demise. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I started pulling the string of self development when I finally grew tired of my own bullshit, and the fact that I was constantly getting in my own way, undermining my own sense of worth. 😅🤷🤦

When I achieve periods of sustainable mental health, wellbeing and emotional intelligence, than role-model that to others, I’m hoping like hell it becomes as infectious as COVID-19. I’m learning to serve this World and everyone on it using pure intentions of good will, genuine smiley emotionally contagious mirror neurons, and displays of Trust in the Universe. Thereby re-affirming the soothing sentiment that 'everything happens for a reason'... as frustrating as that may be at times. My rallying cry has become "Back Yourself Bitch!" and I encourage others to invoke the same; and if they can't, I'll shout it at them until they listen. 😝🔊😍💥

Does that sound nuts? Probably... but f*%# it, I started this mad adventure thirteen years ago by listening to The Power of Now and whatever Dr. Wayne Dyer had to say and write. I transitioned from medicated and hospitalised to the weird and wonderful WHOLE being (yet delightful hot-mess) that I am now. I’ll continue to evolve by constantly poking my brain with the sharp pointy sticks that are ‘The Why's,’ remain curious and humble in my utter ignorance of the realities of others and appreciative of my privileged situation. I can spend my energy on these reflections instead of worrying about when the next literal bomb will drop, how to put food on the table for my family, get down the street without being assaulted, or having to find a job and a place to live. My core life principle has been to LEARN WITH A GRATEFUL HEART, because the older I get the more naïve I realise I am about the day-to-day realities of other humans. I cannot 'fix' anything about them, nor would I rob them of the power of realising everything we need is already inside them. All I can do is be a safe place of non-judgment and respite from life's many hardships. Suddenly, my BULLSHIT and drama becomes laughably insignificant.

Alas, survival/threat-based hard-wiring is so difficult to overcome! Developing that frontal lobe, and probably other areas of the brain, is not an easy process and certainly not for the faint of heart nor those with ‘precious’ / easily offended tiny-human egos. Please, can we all agree to start laughing and rejoicing in our absurdities?! Anyone?... Buller?... 😉😂 This is a necessary aspect of admitting to ourselves that we’re simply overflowing with false beliefs, assumptions, biases, greedy agendas, and blame… and goodness knows we all hate being f*%#ing wrong. Confronting ourselves in the proverbial 'mirror,' doing a gap analysis being perception and reality, is ugly and terrifying (whether it's our own or those of others); but damn is it worth it to become a healthy, balanced, human being that treats everyone with the respect we all deserve.

We simply can't fathom what people have gone through, or what they're currently going through. Life isn’t kind to anyone on this Earth. We perceive some people as a threat, others as friends, and mostly we fail to consider them at all… yet we’re all human and here together. Living this life inside our minds taking our abysmal best guess at what lies in the minds others; we can learn so much from each other if/when we can quiet our internal dialogue long enough to: 

• Observe without judgment 
• Listen to understand
• Become genuinely curious about their intentions, without making assumptions

I’ll never forget Mr. Eckhart Tolle insisting that if I wanted to live in 'The Now,' be present, less anxious, and start to dis-entangle the chaos in my head and subsequently my life, then I’d need to learn to be ‘The Watcher.’ Methodically and persistently practice non-judgmentally observing my own thoughts, behaviours and actions, and their impact on myself and others. Thirteen years, and I’ve ONLY JUST started to lay that judgment to rest and be nicer to myself for being a silly human… not having all the answers, snapping at someone for crossing a boundary, being an asshole, talking too much at too loud a decibel with too much profanity 🙊; for blasting people with my overwhelming 'passion' and errant opinions stated with the confidence of fact 😅. I now acknowledge that I try my best at each and every opportunity to consider my impact on others so that I can modify my behaviour in the moment, thus helping others feel valued and supported.

Thirteen years it took me to stop asking “What about me?! Why can’t/aren’t others doing the same for me?! Why do I need to ‘be the bigger person’?!,” and using them as excuses to let my own shitty behaviour persist. I’ve finally lost my appetite for blame and reciprocity because what I understand is that people don’t treat me with kindness and equity because they don’t treat themselves that way, nor do they know how to stop being who they’ve always been or have been conditioned to be. They are a victim of their own wiring, just how I was until I couldn’t bear it anymore and my circuits literally broke. They don’t need my judgment, and they don’t deserve it either. All I can do is role-model the pro-social behaviours I’d want everyone to display, this is how we learn empathy, from observing and perceiving one another… our pain and struggles, and comparing them to our own realities. I will be that person, at no cost and with no expectation of generosity in return. I will show anyone I’m fortunate enough to meet what it is to be open, unassuming, accepting and whole, neither toxically positive nor habitually pessimistic, just BALANCED and willing to listen to their reality so that I can adjust my perception with fairness and compassion. I could never have accomplished this adaptation until I did the hard yards of exhausted self reflection, of facing the shadow in the mirror until I fell in love with her.

How do I know it worked? That I've healed? Learned to take care of myself and my unique needs? Well, if anyone had met me fourteen years ago, I would've projectile-vomited my pain, shame and victim stories all over them. There wouldn't have been any doubt in their mind that I had all sorts of mental issues, I wore them on my sleeve as a justification for how I lived; from one crisis to the next. No gaps between my unhinged reality and their perception of my mania. Now, while others certainly detect some eccentricities about me, people would never guess I'm internally carrying around half the DSM-5 . Ok, maybe that's naive... it's fairly obvious that I work at the warp-chaotic speed easily associated with ADHD. The people with a healthy sense of whimsy are free to join in the weird and wonderful fun. 💨💓😅

Original Publication Date 23/06/2024

Ridiculous Reactivity

I love how one random moment on a row machine can make me pause and reflect on...

• Who I am based on how I act
• Who I am based on who I think I am
• Who I am based on how others perceive me
• Who I am based on my aspirational potential

All different, yet all true (whether I like it or not). 🐇😅😳🐇

Typical morning, rowing away to my heart's content, when a song comes on Spotify that I don't quite care for so I attempt to issue a 'Next Song' command to Siri (whom I lovingly refer to as 'Senior Navigator'). Though my nondescript masculine Aussie-voiced Siri usually responds efficiently to a ‘Hey Siri’ prompt, eagerly awaiting to answer my will, on this particular occasion Sr. Navigator must have misunderstood me. Instead of skipping to the next song as anticipated, it proceeded to ask if I wanted to call someone in my contacts and I got immediately flustered, afraid it would ring the person while I was breathlessly pulling my way to 10km at an hour that only exists to bats and die-hard gym fanatics. In my haste, the prickle-pants came on and I exclaimed, loudly and articulately so Sr. Navigator would be sure to hear me properly...  "No Sr. Navigator! Naughty!" 😂👈🖕

Being extremely well practiced in introspection, in a flash I appeared outside of myself, watching my behaviour from a loftier perspective (thanks Eckhart Tolle ), and I immediately began to cackle. What a phenomenally reactive asshole I am, how ridiculous I must have appeared to my community of fellow cardio addicts. 😆💩👀

I wasn't in a pissy mood and hadn't woken up on the wrong side of the bed, nevertheless this AI driven assistant failing to understand my instruction was enough to trigger me. Why? Pick an issue, any issue... Lack of perceived respect, failure to control the situation as I wanted to, fear of calling some rando contact at 4:00am by mistake, disappointment, need for instant gratification, to feel powerful... Nevermind that I'm talking about my response to a f*&#ing robot on my phone! This is how easily humans create our own chaos... misperceiving threats left, right and center, reacting in various preposterous and emotionally unintelligent ways for all the world to see and justifiably laugh at, which we also view as a threat. Thus the vicious cycle persists until we learn to STOP and objectively observe ourselves. 😵🤷

Do I think of myself as a defensive person? No... but did I react defensively? Yes, yes I did. And this, my fine fluffles, is what continually reminds me to ABSTAIN FROM JUDGING OTHERS. Humans are hardwired to react. Whether the danger, hazard or risk is factual or fabricated makes absolutely no difference. No one is exempt, I write about this shit CONSTANTLY and it's gloriously embarrassing to witness myself behaving this way; but shit, I'm only human. I can't know what those around me thought about my belligerent outburst but whatever it was, from the damning 'What a nutter!' to the empathetic 'Been there!,' and anything else along that spectrum, is fair. 

The whimsical point of this situation is that Sr. Navigator was only trying to help! Someone unwilling to own this level of self-awareness and humbling honesty would likely just blame their phone for their odd behaviour... and that may be innocuous in this circumstance... yet I can't help but contemplate the weightier implications of such a mindset in other situations. Situations where accountability is vital for healthy internal and external relationships, and sense of Self. 🤔🐇🕳 

When do you most need to pause, reflect, and consider outside perspectives before reacting?

Have you ever practiced non-judgmentally observing your behaviours, and assessing whether they are serving your life in beneficial ways?

Are there gaps between who you think you are, who others think you are, and how you want to be? 

Original Publication Date 06 January 2024

Waking Up To Worth

When I was in my late teens I went to a renaissance fair and had my palm read. I remembered feeling quite anxious and exposed. Though I put on a great act of unrelenting optimism and happiness to everyone else, this Crone saw through my façade. She told me that I was one of the saddest people she had ever seen; I felt it, I couldn’t even attempt to defend myself against the validity of her words. Christ, $50 was quite a bit to pay to confront my worst fears. I was broken and everyone would know, no one in their right mind would ever love me. But I missed the point that day; she tried to show me a way forward to discovering my sense of worth. Instead, I didn’t even see myself as worthy enough to make a start. We have to walk before we can run.

Many years later, and a world away, I took a spontaneous trip to Hawaii simply because Air New Zealand had cheap tickets. True to my extremely unique nature, I packed a couple of books and running shoes then took off for 9 days dedicated to my favourite hobbies: mindful self-reflection, journaling, running and hiking. I mistakenly assumed the book I brought for a bit of light contemplation would help me begin to shift my obsession with perfection and control, and understand why people develop and maintain perfectionist traits, even to their own detriment (I don’t know any perfectionist that doesn’t drive themselves crazy on a fairly regular basis, and/or expect too much of themselves and others). What happened during those 136 pages, however, was so transformative that I’ve been inspired to revive my blog, having found something truly worth writing about; the concept of worth itself!

I’ll admit up front, this is very personal stuff, humiliating really. The horrifying process of assessing, questioning, re-assessing, pondering, re-re-assessing, owning, understanding and protecting our self worth is not for the faint of heart. My half-assed courage paid off ten fold, as this became a path to unlocking the elusive concept of loving myself. Ah, that fickle mistress! Self-acceptance and love is something we all intuitively know we need for healthy relationships and happier lives; but how?! They are now little more than superficial spiritual Facebook memes. Empty words. We all think we have it, yet how often do we catch ourselves saying things like:

• “I’m such an asshole!”
• “Why I can’t keep my mouth shut?”
• “I can’t possibly ask for help, others might think I’m stupid.”
• “I wish I looked like a super model.”
• “Life would be so much easier if I had more money.”
• “Why don’t people see what I do for them and appreciate it?!”
• “I should eat better, I’m so unfit!”
• “I’d love to tell that person to go f*$% themselves, but that’s not very nice and people would think I’m mean.”
• "I'm sorry if I ... [fill in the blank]"

Sad but devastatingly true, these are all signifiers that we feel we are somehow lacking in who we are and what we have; we’re not quite who we want to be or have what we think we need. Or we’ve somehow lost the plot, and deviated from the person we intended to be. The cumulative result? Insecurity in all its various and interesting forms; the creation of shadows as we run, hide from, and hate those aspects of ourselves that we find so very un-loveable.

Shit like this only serves to make us feel even worse for not loving ourselves; hardly helpful!

Unfortunately, social conditioning makes the statements above seem completely normal. It’s what we hear all around us, on the TV, in movies, and on social media. The world we live in tells us we are what we do and what we have, that our worth must be earned. Well, here I go, I’m climbing out on a very thin branch to scream to the far reaches of the Earth: BULLSHIT! (And I’m probably loud enough to pull it off 😅)

I can now say from experience that having an authentic sense of self worth is a bit like having a panic attack or an orgasm; once it happens, asking if it happened is laughably pointless because the feeling is not something we can ever forget. And there it is. Self worth, love and acceptance on the deepest level, is not something we think we have it’s something we feel; a tingle that emanates to every cell in our body; a knowing.

The fact is that we are all human, gorgeously strange, perfectly flawed and completely limited humans. Regardless of the beliefs pertaining to why we’re here or what the point of living on this orb made of mostly Carbon, Nitrogen, Hydrogen and Oxygen may be, we were all born with worth; an inherent value that does not need to be earned or maintained. We were never without it, nor can we ever truly loose it; but we come pretty damn close when we pour our sense of worth into the material shit we own, and/or the love and approval of other humans (whether friend, family, celebrity, work-colleague or stranger).

How did reading that feel? Is it believable? 🐇

Don’t be discouraged if it’s not, we are conditioned to perceive worth as something that is tangible, transactional, assigned and/or earned by people, social status, jobs, etc. The concept of simply being worthy is not ‘normal,’ and can actually lead others to see us as selfish just by putting our own needs before others. Here I go out on my limb again: BULLSHIT!

So, what’s the how? What might help us find a way to re-discovering our worth? I say re-discovering because as infants we didn't feel we had to earn love, food and protection from their parents. 

Anyway, here’s an analogy to help:

1. Choose an item that has high material or sentimental 'value.' A heaping pile of whichever commodity one might be loathe to part from such as a stack of gems, blank checks signed by Donald Trump, rare books, a stack of classic rock CDs, the gold coins from Pirates of the Caribbean, irreplaceable pictures of loved ones, or Mac iBooks. Ideally, it personally signifies pricelessness, beyond material worth.
2. Assume the position! Let’s envision ourselves as this valuable commodity. For example, 'I’m a pretty pile of emeralds.'
3. Imagine every human interaction is a decision to either give a piece of our treasure away or keep it for ourselves, then consider how we might re-assess the day-to-day choices we make, and who is truly worthy of our riches. 
4. We’re having a shit day….. How often do we start out already feeling insecure and worthless, but instead of protecting what we have left we frivolously dole it out, hoping that someone else will re-build our stores? The result is typically devastating disappointment when they fail to validate our worth. We spend and spend with nothing being given back... and before we know it, we're bankrupt.
5. Work towards the confronting realisation that the only person who has any right to give us worth is ourselves, and ourselves alone... And yes, that also means we have no right to assign anyone else’s worth; aka being a Judgy McJudgy-Pants. 👉
6. If we can't freely give away a pearl without creating a resentment against the recipient, whether concious or sub-conscious, then we're best to hold onto it. Some call is selfish, I call it self care.

On the days we feel stripped down to one, trying to give anything away will literally require us to break.

Here’s the thing, once we get a glimpse of true self-acceptance and love, learn to protect and own our worth by practicing caring for ourselves in every choice we make; we discover that it is a conscious decision to continue offering ourselves to our partners, kids, parents, jobs, friends, communities, etc. We’re mindfully giving away a piece of our treasure, and sharing it because we know deep down there is an inexhaustible supply. Security. We can make more anytime we want by practicing self-care instead of needing to extract it from others via reciprocity, people pleasing or even manipulation.

Please keep this concept in mind while reading my epic misadventures, mortifying glimpses at how I established, maintained and subsequently depleted my self worth. Scrutinising all the false and limiting beliefs and conditions that kept the concept of self-acceptance and love perpetually out of my reach, and tales of spending my worth in all the wrong places, each in the hilarity and wisdom of 20/20 hindsight. My ambition is to convince readers that this courageous work is well worth the effort. When we learn to consciously give our time, money, love or attention authentically, from a place of security and self worth, we can 'make it rain' on others without spending a dime or needing anything in return.

Follow-On Works for Context and a Good Laugh…. Or Cry 😂😋😅

Fighting for Funds
Costly Conditioning
Protecting The Pearls

Parental Permission

Spin Offs:
One Fool's Emotional Adventure
Sisterly Admiration
The Spectrum
Bah Bah Black Sheep
Emotional Dichotomy

Who the Hell Just Said That?!
Good Enough

Self-Love Vs. Self-Acceptance

The book that effected this transformation was Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection; a book to be read when we have the courage to confront our own shame stories, or when we’re on vacation and fancy a life-altering experience while trying to avoid sand on a tiny island.

Original Publication Date 07 December 2018, Revised 28 September 2022

Audio Version:

Double-Edged Sword of Determination

One of the whimsical concepts that takes up a considerable amount of glucose metabolism in my brain is the idea that many people have phenomenal amounts of passionate fiery energy, but they apply it to endeavors that serve neither themselves nor others in a truly commendable way. If only people could harness it and deploy it towards a wiser or higher purpose, this world would be a different place entirely!

• At a society level, the cunning greed that perpetuates the burning of fossil fuels would be converted to the invention of battery technology to store natural forms of energy. 
• At work, complaining about everything we hate about our jobs would manifest as proactive collaborative ways of finding solutions to repetitive problems, and re-engagement with how our work makes a meaningful contribution to the World. 
• At home, instead of yelling at each other we'd put the same communicative energy into exploring and defining the emotions sitting at the root of the argument, and invest in reaching a respectful and empathetic understanding. 
  

All humans have energy to invest, and our level of determination decides its impact on our physical World along a spectrum of extremes, like those above. Greed, selfishness and/or enforcement can drive our persistence, or it can be guided by grace and/or pro-social aspirations. As such, determination is a double-edged sword... a staunch mindset that once vested, for most, becomes implacable. We are humans on a mission, our determination generating powerful influence and certain results. Our choice is whether to wield that sword with enlightened service-based intent or egotistical ignorance; compassion or punishment. These are but extreme endpoints of this cautionary scale however, since even altruistic endeavours are rarely wholly selfless nor are anti-social agendas purely nefarious. We live in a world of grey. 😇💫😈

Wondrous warriors turn to destructive dictators if/when we fail to check: 

1) Where our initial intention and mindset lay on the continuum or,

2) Continually track any questionable shifts in mindset along the continuum as we exercise our willpower.

Otherwise the original ambition could get lost in the melee. We end up in a battle we never meant to fight, accumulating scars as we cut ourselves with our own sword of determination... F*&#-ing BLEAK!

Woah, esoteric much? ... So, what was the thought that instigated the genesis of this grand theory?

There is no one more determined than an anorexic.  

I appreciate that's a triggering statement, likely provoking a spiky reaction and a hell of a lot of assumptions and biases. Pause please, abstain from judgment until open-mindedly considering an unconventional perspective... 🙏🐇

This thought popped into my head one morning during a long training run as I reflected on my own innate tenacity of character... expressed as razor-sharp, brute-force, iron-clad determination. My sword is mighty indeed. Hell, I should give it a 'Lord of the Rings' type name... like Conscientia! [Latin for awareness] 😅🤓

I'll start by saying I love this quality in myself, consider it one of my feature superpowers, but for reasons elucidated in the examples below, it inspires 3 parts pride : 5 parts frustration : 2 parts amusement due to its utter ridiculousness (only humourous after an appropriate breathing period, in hindsight 😳🤷). Learning how to effectively manage and balance Conscientia was hard-earned. It took years of trial and error based fencing, I cut myself many times, as demonstarted in the poignant instances that follow, and I still do from time to time (though it's decidedly less!). Each sparring session makes me a more adept swords-woman. I deliberately review pivotal times in my life, critical decisions and desirous goals I've set, and I do my best to learn from what enabled me to win, and what led to cast-worthy cuts.  

Three admonishing narratives that illustrate what it looks like when mindsets shift, and my unwavering will wound up wounding me... 🐇🕳

Edgy Weight Loss

I began to write about the massive journey I undertook at the tender age of 23, one that shaped me literally and figuratively as I went from morbidly obese to gaunt emaciation. In it I explored the underlying emotions that led to my childhood girthiness. If I'm honest, brutally f*&#ing candid, I haven't finished that 3-part epic; I can't, it's too painful... even now... over 16 years later. The cause of this sting is a self-inflicted injury, the one leading to the initial thought which motivated me to create this very article. Controversially perhaps, I think Anorexia demonstrates astounding fortitude of character, requiring arguably supernatural strength; but represents passion grievously misspent. I would not wish it on my worst enemy... Ugh. I'll leave it there and succinctly relay how my mindsets shifted, allowing the readers to fill in the gaps. 🤦🙏😔

  

Wellness Mindset: Don't be another 'fat American' with type II diabetes

Sharpened Mindset: Get to goal weight as quickly as possible

Mindset Scar: Keep the weight off at all costs

Acute Anxiety

I've dealt with chronic, and at times debilitating, anxiety from a very young age. Indeed, processing and healing my anxiety via self-administered Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) inspired many a post of my previous blog. Oh, and there is the critical point subtly embedded in that innocent sentence... self-administered. The few times my anxiety got so bad I landed myself in a hospital, the doctors told me that I needed medication, that my case was severe and I'd need pills for the rest of my life to function as a healthy human being. Well, I decided early on that wasn't for me. I'll admit, I attained an anxiety-free life in the end, but when I reflect on that laborious trek I can't help but think I made things unnecessarily difficult for myself... Not to mention the horrific bias I heaped upon those who did rely on medication. 💊🚫🙈
 

Wellness Mindset: Manage anxiety without becoming a pill-popping zombie (judgy much? 😨), explore the root cause(s) instead of treating the direct cause and symptoms

Sharpened Mindset: It is my fault that I have anxiety, so I must deal with it on my own, I don't deserve help

Mindset Scar: If I don't stick to a strict, time tested and proven, anti-anxiety regime then it'll come back

Pointed Marathon

Because irony is one of the great loves of my life, I decided that to overcome my aforementioned refuelling issues (i.e. disordered, restricted, eating) was to train for a marathon. It actually worked wonderfully. Simply put, if I didn't eat enough to hit my training schedule and run the required amount of kilometers (kms), then I wouldn't hit my goal. And during a particularly memorable training run, I realised that erring on the low side of caloric intake would literally land me in a ditch, inert and shaking until some good samaritan found me and fed me some chocolate. After that, I can safely say I learned to eat and eat well! 🤷🍫

So, what's better than running a marathon? Running multiple marathons! For my second I was dead-keen to achieve a sub-5 hour time... and that's what I did... along with accumulating hip and knee damage that led to near-immobility for months. 🕕💩👏

Wellness Mindset: Prove to myself that I'm strong, capable and resilient enough to reach the pinnacle of fitness while also surmounting disordered eating

Sharpened Mindset: Train relentlessly, push through pain, and ALWAYS run more km's than scheduled to ensure I reach the finish line before 5 hours

Mindset Scar: Keep it up or I'll lose all my fitness, continually get stronger and train harder, eat only if I've earnt it by training in some form or fashion

All wellness-inspired ambitions, seemingly worthy uses of my precious energy. Yet in each disconcerting sparring lesson, I humbly accept that my determined mindsets were either questionable from the start (mainly out of ignorance, not mal-intent/self-sabotage), or slipped from compassion/permission to punishment/enforcement along the sharp slope of the determination spectrum. In all instances, Conscientia had turned against me because I lost sight of true health and thus misused my energy, serving neither me nor anyone else in a beneficial way. On the battlefield of determination, it's dangerously easy to forget why we first picked up the sword. The true intention and purpose can become convoluted, and when it does we're likely to bleed. 🩸🗡

As I age, grow wiser, rewire and heal these dysfunctional mindset scars through self-reflection and brutal honesty about how and when I get in my own way, I've come to know the point at which I'm at risk of cutting myself by this resolve. When to lean-in and fight with valor, and when to sit back and let the battle unfold without my personal contribution. 🙏🙉💖

My solace moving forward is the discovery of a fight genuinely deserving of my superpower and Conscientia's might. If and when I pick up my sword it will be to protect my own or anyone else's sense of Self Worth, preserve the beauty and balance of our Planet, or to defend honesty and unadulterated truth. I will no longer fear the intensity of my tenacious Spirit. I know I can go overboard, have learnt from life-altering lessons. I will TRUST in my new pursuit, appropriately focused on a balanced approach, explicit awareness and trusted intuition; not just for the betterment of myself, but for the whole World, lest I forget that extreme conviction only leads to self-inflicted overwhelm and preventable punctures. I appreciate how utopian that sounds, but f*&# I'm determined...👀😆🙄

Original Publication Date 07 January 2024