Sure, we've all done it... blamed the cat or dog when it was actually us who let one rip. My favourite fart related blame-shift was onto my heavily pregnant Sister, who was so shocked when I loudly damned her for her flatulence in front of a crowd that she couldn't even defend herself against the accusation 😂💖💩. Blame shifting is extremely common in our society, at times small and rather insignificant like lassie's wind-breaking, and at times so momentous it can shatter our relationships. Let's be honest, we've all copped heat for something we didn't 'really' do; I commonly do this when I know I'm right but I'm either too tired to explain myself and simply don't care enough to defend myself (wisdom is often compared to knowing when to choose our battles!). Conversely, we've all blamed others for something that didn't necessarily have anything to do with them, not literally, like the person who 'made us' ass-pack the car in front of us because they texted us and we looked down at our phone for too long 💥📱😖.
Blame is something that has continually kept my discerning analytical mind deep in consideration, and I now feel ready to put forth a couple of radical ideas to explore, along with all their weird and wonderful nuances 🐇:
- Blame-shifting is fundamentally disempowering, if not cowardly
- Victim-blaming is falsely assuming people put themselves in situations to be intentionally victimised (This point becomes especially bizarre when we add in a dash of self-blame, my personal specialty which I'll elaborate on later 😅)
- A cornerstone of enlightenment... deep, meaningful and balanced wisdom, includes realising that blame, in general, is F&*#-ing BULLSHIT! 🐃💩
The Blame Conundrum, An Anecdote
Alex goes to the grocery store in need of milk. While at the store it gets robbed. The robber yelled at Alex to 'get on the f*@$ing ground,' and in haste Alex's untied shoelaces caused Alex to trip and inadvertently launch the purchased milk at the robber. This startled the already antsy robber and as a result the trigger was pulled and Alex was shot. Alex didn't die, but was left with a hideous facial defect from the gunshot wound. Unable to accept his appalling new facial feature, believing it would prevent a future with meaningful relationships, authentic love or a family, Alex suicided one year later.
Phew, that's some heavy shit! But more to the point, we can analyse this narrative to dissect the various ways one can assign blame. SPOILER ALERT! It's based on our personal assumptions, which themselves are an eclectic amalgamation of our life's experiences, cultural, societal and familial influences, not to mention the expression of our DNA (aka Nurture and Nature).
Who is to Blame for Alex's demise? 🤔
- Alex himself for choosing that precise time to go get milk, for failing to tie up his laces, or committing the act of suicide?
- The untied laces or perhaps the milk for causing the confusion and resulting chaos?
- The other person in the shop who failed to stop the robber when they had the chance?
- The robber, who pulled the trigger causing Alex's strife?
- The people on Tinder who couldn't bring themselves to 'swipe right' due to Alex's superficial deformity?
- A mix of some or all of these things?
Other Provocative Questions to Ponder....
- Who would Alex blame if we had a Ouija board and could ask?
- Who would their friends and family blame?
- What if "It is what it is," as they say; and no-one or no-thing was to blame, it just happened? A Universal lesson for everyone involved... sent to teach them whatever it was they were meant to learn from that traumatic experience?
Answering these questions can give us powerful insights into ourselves and how we view and process blame. What follows are my own epiphanies around the ethos of blame, in particular, blame-shifting as a consequence of obsessive control and chronic victim-blaming. Both were extremely gnarly observations, distrubing glimpses into my subconscious that I had to learn to admit, own and process so that I could transform my thinking into a more balanced and healthy mindset. 🙏 ⚖
Blame and Control
Full disclosure, people who blame others for their tragic circumstances or 'bad luck' used to completely f*%#-ing disgust me (and still do if I don't catch my judgy-ass in the act! 😅😳😬). Like come on, own your shit! Take responsibility for the part we play in every situation, be courageous! But some situations in life have made me re-evaluate my stance on blame, and question why I felt so appalled when people threw up their hands, surrendered control and pointed the finger of blame at someone (like their family) or something (like a medical or psychological label). I've since learned that balance between personal culpability and a healthy sense of victimhood is required; and boy, is that ever a fine f*$^ing line!
How do I know this? Well, true to my tendency as someone who finds the act of 'polking my brain and tiny human Ego with sharp pointy sticks' in the form of profound self reflection a sort of masochistic artform, one day I confrontingly discovered that to gain power and control in my life, I literally blamed myself for EVERYTHING! Yikes 😲. It occurred to me that I avoid being a victim for the same reason others seek out that state (or so I assume... which is nearly certain to be wrong 😂). While some are keen to forfeit their culpability and control in a situation, I fight to retain it. So much so, that I will actively find a way to blame myself for whatever part I played, even if I was completely innocent.
Upon exhaustive analysis, I found my brain had been following this enigmatic logic... If I am the cause of the issue, then I can also find the solution and manipulate the outcome. Put another way, if I'm to blame then I'm in control. And if I'm in control I can relax, because I'll find a way to fix it, to make things right.
I'm not sure when this hard-wiring came into effect but it undoubtedly had a lot to do with my childhood, being a very common trait amongst other 'adult children of alcoholics.' I resented some of the decisions that were made by my care-givers but I had no control over what ultimately happened, so I over-corrected by becoming obsessed with control in my adult life. Indeed, both past and present indications to my addiction to control are well documented, if not embarrassing... perhaps slightly amusing?
I fully appreciate that what I just wrote could be interpreted as 'oh, she blames her family/upbringing for her control issues... hypocrite!' and guess what, in part, that is correct. I used to blame, and it was not only unfounded but toxic, destroying my familial relationships for a time. Challenging that old blame-assigning mindset led me to the thesis of this very article, allowed me to feel compassion for my family and have empathy for the difficulties they were up-against, forgive and let go.
Victim Blaming... Even When We Are The Victims
If the revelation above was confronting, this one might be described as distressing. 😳
Wanting to do something good for my community, I signed up to volunteer for Victim Support. During the three-day intensive training, they gave us a scenario... one that ended up rocking me to my core. The activity was, on its surface, quite simple... discuss 'who was to blame' for a women's death. Forgive me, I can't recall the exact story, but this women had essentially been cheating on her husband and was killed by a mugger or some-such while she was out on one of her trysts. I reached the, to me, obvious conclusion that the women herself was the blame. Damn straight too, the naughty girl! Shitty decisions lead to shitty outcomes... too bad, sooo sad. Yikes 😲
Let's just say that when the 'answer' was revealed by the trainers, I was more than a bit embarrassed by my sentiments and this naturally kicked my ass down the 'blame' rabbit hole. 🐇
Hold up! Why the f*$# did I assume this chick deserved what she got?! Interestingly there were a couple of others in the group that thought this way as well (not that that lets me off the hook), but most intuitively knew that blaming the women was wrong, no matter what she had done to be in that situation. After all, maybe she was cheating because she's in an unhealthy or unhappy marriage, who knows? The point is that I told myself a very judgment-laden story about this women so fast I wasn't even aware of it! And that story painted her with a rather unsavoury brush without considering any alternative circumstances, reasons or intentions.
So why.... why did I do that? Well, it took me months to dig deep and work it out, but the answer was rather F&*#-ing BLEAK to be perfectly honest and a great example of how this healing adventure works... not fun, but it certainly helped me understand myself and my base-assumptions better, enabling me to make the required improvements. 🐇😳
I've been a victim as a child (described here, third bullet point), but I didn't fully remember or realise what had happened until my mid-thirties; the brain is 'funny' that way with trauma. In fact, if memory serves, I only genuinely admitted to myself that it had happened because of my response to this training exercise... after my honest self examination, clearly I had issues in the victim department. My response was not wholly healthy. Intuitively I knew I needed to re-wire some old circuitry.
I couldn't fully understand that I wasn't to blame until that fateful admission. Worth compassion 💖, the only logical conclusion that my four-year old brain could reach was that I must have done something wrong to deserve what happened. So I carried that hard-wired, firmly-held, warped belief with me through life; sometimes to my benefit and sometimes to my detriment. I couldn't dispute it, heal it, or shift it until I first dug it out of my subconscious and became aware of it. By fighting against owning my inner victimised child I manifested this tendency to victim-blame. Because, again, if I was to blame then I was in control, regaining the power I'd lost. In denying myself the right to be a victim, I also denied myself the chance to process and heal from the trauma.
Right... who needs some self-care while they recover a bit... ✋💫😅🙋
If Thou Shalt Blame, Thou Shalt REFLECT
Since we're all good people, doing the best we can with the resources available to us at the time, then who gets slapped with the blame-label when shit hits the fan? Who's right? Who's wrong? Who gets to make that decision? What's fair?
The whole point is that blame is not as straight-forward as everyone would like to believe. As we become more aware we start to see the immense world of grey that lies between the black and white concepts of 'Right' and 'Wrong.' It is blatantly unjust to blame someone's thoughts and emotions, and even actions, without first applying some discernment as to their intentions. Like it or not, they could have had a perfectly legitimate reason for doing what they did... or, they could just be an asshole. 😂😉😝🐇
True compassion is taking Stephen Covey's powerful quote into full consideration, forgetting our own cultural and personal narratives and seeing things from someone else's perspective, practicing empathy. It's so easy to blame when we cannot understand other people's motivations behind their actions, and blame allows us to cope with the fear that is created when we realise we have no control over the impact of other people's actions on us. There are mutliple things we can control, however... Our attitude, our boundaries, our bias, who and what we give our energy to, and our actions/reactions. 🙏💖🐇
Original Publication Date 10 April 2023