The Day God Spoke to Me Through a Barista

There is no way to articulate what happened to me; at a minimum, it was deific. I still feel awe when remembering the experience and tears fill my eyes. God spoke to me one fateful day, through a Barista. ☕🐇🤷‍♀️🕳

Like a good little girl I went to church with my Mom and Dad during a home visit. I'm a bit ashamed to admit this, but the whole time I was in church I was either 1) caught between thinking the people were either crazy or being jealous at the pure joy they obviously felt as a result of their holy connection, or 2) thinking about when I'd inevitably get hungry and worrying that my blood sugar would get low before I could get back to the soup and salad I had waiting for me back at my Dad's house, forcing me to eat something other than what I had planned to eat. This is my crux, my addiction; absolute control over what, when, and how I eat. Even though I haven't counted in a week, and I'm not planning meals days in advance, the same anxiety-ridden fear-filled thoughts have not ceased. In a last ditch effort to harvest my serenity, I attempted to focus on trusting my body, comprehending that building my intuitive bodily senses and signals is the only way out of this mess. 🤦‍♀️

Mine is a behavioral addiction, unlike the chemical addictions that run rampant in my family. I had never really given this difference much thought until explaining to my father the other day that although I sometimes smoke cigarettes I've never been addicted to nicotine, likely lacking the genetic component that makes people nicotine addicts. Similarly, I have drunk plenty of booze and hit my share of bongs, yet nothing chemical has ever stuck. Now, tell me about a new study that shows 45 minutes of cardio is the optimal amount of time to workout, or that 1874 calories is what I should eat to maintain my weight, then try to get me to stop staunchly adhering to precisely those numbers. The stability, the control, these numbers offer draw me in and lock my Mind in place. At first they bring me peace, but comfort transforms into torture as I realize that any alteration incapacitates me with anxiety. Consequently, it seems odd to me that these addiction variants can be equally powerful and destructive though society tends to ignore or deny them. Only recently have addictions like eating disorders, OCD and hoarding behaviors been the focus of recovery programs. And it's unlikely sufferers like me are keen to openly seek help; no, we're far too busy trying to act normal. 😓🙈

Back to church. At the start of the service the Barista who had taken my complicated and somewhat ridiculous Cappuccino order (decaf, nonfat, sugar-free almond, extra foam) the other day at my favorite local coffee shop came over to me, elated, that she had another opportunity to see me. I thought this a bit odd since, though she was extremely kind and open at the shop, I hadn't shared anything personal with her in any way... or so I thought. 🤔😟

After the service she found me again and asked if I would pray with her; I wanted to leave and eat an apple, but decided there was no harm in appeasing her. Who turns down well wishes?! What happened next turned my world upside down and left me feeling absurd for feeling such prickly judgment over the churchgoers; the Almighty was about to prove just how right they were. It was as though God smacked me in the forehead and said "You shoulda had a f*$!ing V8!" And considering my issues, I took this quite literally!

She prayed that I saw that I am WHOLE, that I am not broken; affirmed that I have already won. Asked that God ensure the food I eat will nourish me, help me to see that my Body will not trick me and I can TRUST my innate feelings of hunger and satiation. Declared that I am beautiful and worthy of love, and beseeched God to make all these things visible to me. She even mentioned something about being more valuable than the calories I eat, but admittedly at that point I was in such a state of amazement and befuddlement, not to mention uncontrollable sobbing, that I can't recall the exact words. How did she know?! What did she see?! In that instant I was completely certain of one thing: This was why I came here before leaving, for God to deliver this message in a way I would have to accept. Heaven knows, all these things I have told myself time and time again, but have never been able to believe. Now, how could I deny them when they were utterly crystal clear to a total stranger?

As we were wrapping up our prayer and I thanked the angelic Barista repeatedly while also praising her substantial intuitive gift, my best friend from middle school came over to lend me her support as well. She said something that really struck me, something I have always known but did not recognize in myself; 'The greatest gift we have is the love we give to others." Then she imparted that sentiment onto me, stating that I've always had that gift, yet I've always seen myself as more selfish than giving. Again, something I'll have to accept and love about myself.

Fatefully, as I've already mentioned, yesterday marked the first full week I've gone without counting calories or planning out meals in advance. The copious amounts of anxiety I was experiencing as a result had me at my breaking point, thinking that I should count if only to appease the shadow even though I know the number doesn't mean anything, and the only true and accurate calorie counter is my Body. After my divine intervention, however, there was no way I was about to count! After all, I have already won, I only need to learn to see that and stay the course!

The Hindsight of 20/20... Over Nine Years Later

To this day, reflecting on that experience inspires a sob-fest. 🥳😅

The tears are a complex mixture of writhing emotions as I ashamedly yet acceptingly concede these behaviours have very much stuck with me; my shadow faithfully at my side. I attempt to keep all the detrimental toxic false beliefs in balance with actual health, self care and primarily rely on my innate bodily sensations of hunger. But damn, I'm still recovering... still healing; some say being 'recovered' is possible, but I just don't know. I could have never anticipated the severe impact and repercussions that shifting my shape would have on my delicate human psyche. F*$!ING BLEAK, but sorry folks, the silver lining is rather slim... and grey. Regardless, I'm healthier and stronger than I've been since first becoming aware of my disordered eating, and I'm determined to get better even if that means learning to manage and live with this gnarly behavioural 'disorder.' I'm worth loving even if I am a bit f*#!ed after all. We all are! 😅🤣💖🐇🤪

Original Publication Date 02/02/2015 as "Thought of the Day 02/01/2015: The Day God Spoke to Me Through a Barista" on Analytical Ramblings of a Scientific Mind

Updated 30 June 2024

Episode 1: Introduction & My Velvety Matariki Intention

A Wee PS Note...

Original Release Date 14 July 2024

Perception Versus Reality

I’m fully aware that my constant pursuit of a deeper knowing and expansion of my human consciousness has made me, and will continue to make me, ‘different’ in the eyes of others. Sure, 'normal' is a on a spectrum, but I think we can all agree I've flown well past the extreme end of f*$@ing out-there; the 'reality' of my personal purpose and how I achieve it will be 'perceived' by others to varying degrees of that extremity. 😝💖😵

I’m constantly curious, but about my own thoughts and feelings and those of everyone around me. Do I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADHD) and or an Eating Disorder (ED)? F*$# knows… Am I human? Yes, yes I am (whether I bloody like it or not, at times 😅). Does my mind play tricks on me, feed me a narrative that is out of touch with the realities of other people’s perception of me? Almost certainly… Am I the fun kind of crazy or actually crazy? Jury's still out… It depends on the day, the circumstances, the context surrounding the situation, the people involved and how well they 'know' me, or even how well they want to know me. It’s all just a swirling mass of subconscious biases and conditioned thoughts, feelings and behaviours, faulted memories of previous experiences and personal motivational drivers. These compose my reality, and the behaviours they motivate inform people’s perception of me which may or may not align with my own perception of Self. What a RABBIT HOLE! 🕳🐇

I’ve done a hell of a lot of re-wiring, led myself through a deconstruction of who I was conditioned to be through familial upbringing and societal conventions to discover who I truly am... it got scary, I can't lie. It tested the boundaries of my sanity, literally. But F*$@, what did I have to lose? According to many others I was already 'mentally ill.'  Ironically however, the more I embraced all the diagnoses I'd accumulated and vowed "Dammit, I'll love myself for this too!" the less these misjudged 'illnesses' have dominated my life. I've learned to accept this innate wiring of my brain chemistry, that I can’t necessarily shift, with as much grace and as little self-punishment as possible. Letting go of the concept of imperfection has been a long slow slog for me. But what else can I do? 👉💩🗻😂

When I observe thoughts, emotions and reactions that don’t serve me or others within my sphere of influence, well, I do my best to practice new thoughts and ways of behaving. I endeavour to become aware of these old narratives and assumptions, challenge them in real-time and try to prove them wrong in hopes of either re-writing the script or validating them… both are critical data needed to understand the reality of the situation. Why do I do this so vehemently? To put it bluntly… to stop being such a judgmental dick to myself and others, to become more compassionate, empathetic, open-minded and authentically kind. To allow people the honour of feeling safe to be themselves around me, but also let them know if/when they’ve crossed one of my trigger points because healthy boundaries keep us all safe, as well as cultivating and preserving a sense of genuine self esteem.

What we tell ourselves, how we behave towards ourselves, is how we’ll talk to and treat others; whether we’re conscious of that or not is a completely different story. I give others the advice and feedback that I strive to follow my magnificently-fallible Self. None among us is exempt from such human follies, which are a consequence of our threat-based survivalist lizard-brain. We’re on constant guard, surveying our lives and the lives of others looking for issues and dangers that might make us uncomfortable or disempower us. Unfortunately, treating ourselves and others as ‘problems to be solved’ doesn’t leave much room for kindness, open-mindedness and/or non-judgment. 👎👀

I spend a hell of a lot of brain energy on this stuff, if for no other reason than to distract those threat-based circuits and get them firing towards something more empowering; remaining GRATEFUL for my life, in all its shit-showing glory, and seeing solutions/opportunities instead of issues/problems. There is no failure, no mistakes... only things to learn from, taking it on the chin if/when necessary since we're often the cause of our own demise. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I started pulling the string of self development when I finally grew tired of my own bullshit, and the fact that I was constantly getting in my own way, undermining my own sense of worth. 😅🤷🤦

When I achieve periods of sustainable mental health, wellbeing and emotional intelligence, than role-model that to others, I’m hoping like hell it becomes as infectious as COVID-19. I’m learning to serve this World and everyone on it using pure intentions of good will, genuine smiley emotionally contagious mirror neurons, and displays of Trust in the Universe. Thereby re-affirming the soothing sentiment that 'everything happens for a reason'... as frustrating as that may be at times. My rallying cry has become "Back Yourself Bitch!" and I encourage others to invoke the same; and if they can't, I'll shout it at them until they listen. 😝🔊😍💥

Does that sound nuts? Probably... but f*%# it, I started this mad adventure thirteen years ago by listening to The Power of Now and whatever Dr. Wayne Dyer had to say and write. I transitioned from medicated and hospitalised to the weird and wonderful WHOLE being (yet delightful hot-mess) that I am now. I’ll continue to evolve by constantly poking my brain with the sharp pointy sticks that are ‘The Why's,’ remain curious and humble in my utter ignorance of the realities of others and appreciative of my privileged situation. I can spend my energy on these reflections instead of worrying about when the next literal bomb will drop, how to put food on the table for my family, get down the street without being assaulted, or having to find a job and a place to live. My core life principle has been to LEARN WITH A GRATEFUL HEART, because the older I get the more naïve I realise I am about the day-to-day realities of other humans. I cannot 'fix' anything about them, nor would I rob them of the power of realising everything we need is already inside them. All I can do is be a safe place of non-judgment and respite from life's many hardships. Suddenly, my BULLSHIT and drama becomes laughably insignificant.

Alas, survival/threat-based hard-wiring is so difficult to overcome! Developing that frontal lobe, and probably other areas of the brain, is not an easy process and certainly not for the faint of heart nor those with ‘precious’ / easily offended tiny-human egos. Please, can we all agree to start laughing and rejoicing in our absurdities?! Anyone?... Buller?... 😉😂 This is a necessary aspect of admitting to ourselves that we’re simply overflowing with false beliefs, assumptions, biases, greedy agendas, and blame… and goodness knows we all hate being f*%#ing wrong. Confronting ourselves in the proverbial 'mirror,' doing a gap analysis being perception and reality, is ugly and terrifying (whether it's our own or those of others); but damn is it worth it to become a healthy, balanced, human being that treats everyone with the respect we all deserve.

We simply can't fathom what people have gone through, or what they're currently going through. Life isn’t kind to anyone on this Earth. We perceive some people as a threat, others as friends, and mostly we fail to consider them at all… yet we’re all human and here together. Living this life inside our minds taking our abysmal best guess at what lies in the minds others; we can learn so much from each other if/when we can quiet our internal dialogue long enough to: 

• Observe without judgment 
• Listen to understand
• Become genuinely curious about their intentions, without making assumptions

I’ll never forget Mr. Eckhart Tolle insisting that if I wanted to live in 'The Now,' be present, less anxious, and start to dis-entangle the chaos in my head and subsequently my life, then I’d need to learn to be ‘The Watcher.’ Methodically and persistently practice non-judgmentally observing my own thoughts, behaviours and actions, and their impact on myself and others. Thirteen years, and I’ve ONLY JUST started to lay that judgment to rest and be nicer to myself for being a silly human… not having all the answers, snapping at someone for crossing a boundary, being an asshole, talking too much at too loud a decibel with too much profanity 🙊; for blasting people with my overwhelming 'passion' and errant opinions stated with the confidence of fact 😅. I now acknowledge that I try my best at each and every opportunity to consider my impact on others so that I can modify my behaviour in the moment, thus helping others feel valued and supported.

Thirteen years it took me to stop asking “What about me?! Why can’t/aren’t others doing the same for me?! Why do I need to ‘be the bigger person’?!,” and using them as excuses to let my own shitty behaviour persist. I’ve finally lost my appetite for blame and reciprocity because what I understand is that people don’t treat me with kindness and equity because they don’t treat themselves that way, nor do they know how to stop being who they’ve always been or have been conditioned to be. They are a victim of their own wiring, just how I was until I couldn’t bear it anymore and my circuits literally broke. They don’t need my judgment, and they don’t deserve it either. All I can do is role-model the pro-social behaviours I’d want everyone to display, this is how we learn empathy, from observing and perceiving one another… our pain and struggles, and comparing them to our own realities. I will be that person, at no cost and with no expectation of generosity in return. I will show anyone I’m fortunate enough to meet what it is to be open, unassuming, accepting and whole, neither toxically positive nor habitually pessimistic, just BALANCED and willing to listen to their reality so that I can adjust my perception with fairness and compassion. I could never have accomplished this adaptation until I did the hard yards of exhausted self reflection, of facing the shadow in the mirror until I fell in love with her.

How do I know it worked? That I've healed? Learned to take care of myself and my unique needs? Well, if anyone had met me fourteen years ago, I would've projectile-vomited my pain, shame and victim stories all over them. There wouldn't have been any doubt in their mind that I had all sorts of mental issues, I wore them on my sleeve as a justification for how I lived; from one crisis to the next. No gaps between my unhinged reality and their perception of my mania. Now, while others certainly detect some eccentricities about me, people would never guess I'm internally carrying around half the DSM-5 . Ok, maybe that's naive... it's fairly obvious that I work at the warp-chaotic speed easily associated with ADHD. The people with a healthy sense of whimsy are free to join in the weird and wonderful fun. 💨💓😅

Original Publication Date 23/06/2024