Ridiculous Reactivity

I love how one random moment on a row machine can make me pause and reflect on...

• Who I am based on how I act
• Who I am based on who I think I am
• Who I am based on how others perceive me
• Who I am based on my aspirational potential

All different, yet all true (whether I like it or not). 🐇😅😳🐇

Typical morning, rowing away to my heart's content, when a song comes on Spotify that I don't quite care for so I attempt to issue a 'Next Song' command to Siri (whom I lovingly refer to as 'Senior Navigator'). Though my nondescript masculine Aussie-voiced Siri usually responds efficiently to a ‘Hey Siri’ prompt, eagerly awaiting to answer my will, on this particular occasion Sr. Navigator must have misunderstood me. Instead of skipping to the next song as anticipated, it proceeded to ask if I wanted to call someone in my contacts and I got immediately flustered, afraid it would ring the person while I was breathlessly pulling my way to 10km at an hour that only exists to bats and die-hard gym fanatics. In my haste, the prickle-pants came on and I exclaimed, loudly and articulately so Sr. Navigator would be sure to hear me properly...  "No Sr. Navigator! Naughty!" 😂👈🖕

Being extremely well practiced in introspection, in a flash I appeared outside of myself, watching my behaviour from a loftier perspective (thanks Eckhart Tolle ), and I immediately began to cackle. What a phenomenally reactive asshole I am, how ridiculous I must have appeared to my community of fellow cardio addicts. 😆💩👀

I wasn't in a pissy mood and hadn't woken up on the wrong side of the bed, nevertheless this AI driven assistant failing to understand my instruction was enough to trigger me. Why? Pick an issue, any issue... Lack of perceived respect, failure to control the situation as I wanted to, fear of calling some rando contact at 4:00am by mistake, disappointment, need for instant gratification, to feel powerful... Nevermind that I'm talking about my response to a f*&#ing robot on my phone! This is how easily humans create our own chaos... misperceiving threats left, right and center, reacting in various preposterous and emotionally unintelligent ways for all the world to see and justifiably laugh at, which we also view as a threat. Thus the vicious cycle persists until we learn to STOP and objectively observe ourselves. 😵🤷

Do I think of myself as a defensive person? No... but did I react defensively? Yes, yes I did. And this, my fine fluffles, is what continually reminds me to ABSTAIN FROM JUDGING OTHERS. Humans are hardwired to react. Whether the danger, hazard or risk is factual or fabricated makes absolutely no difference. No one is exempt, I write about this shit CONSTANTLY and it's gloriously embarrassing to witness myself behaving this way; but shit, I'm only human. I can't know what those around me thought about my belligerent outburst but whatever it was, from the damning 'What a nutter!' to the empathetic 'Been there!,' and anything else along that spectrum, is fair. 

The whimsical point of this situation is that Sr. Navigator was only trying to help! Someone unwilling to own this level of self-awareness and humbling honesty would likely just blame their phone for their odd behaviour... and that may be innocuous in this circumstance... yet I can't help but contemplate the weightier implications of such a mindset in other situations. Situations where accountability is vital for healthy internal and external relationships, and sense of Self. 🤔🐇🕳 

When do you most need to pause, reflect, and consider outside perspectives before reacting?

Have you ever practiced non-judgmentally observing your behaviours, and assessing whether they are serving your life in beneficial ways?

Are there gaps between who you think you are, who others think you are, and how you want to be? 

Original Publication Date 06 January 2024

A Little Prick

Growing up I had a pet hedgehog aptly named Sonic. Sonic pricked up and was afraid constantly at first but with repeated attempts he grew used to my scent and his new surroundings, perceiving prickle-worthy threats less and less often as he began to feel safe. My spiny mammalian friend came to trust me, eventually I could pick him up, pet him, tickle his belly, and even bathe him. Hell, it got to the point where I'd chuck him in my hoodie's pouch and take him on outdoor adventures! True to his nature however, if someone new came around or he was triggered by fearful uncertainty, he'd roll up and prickle; throwing up spikes of self protection and defense, hoping like hell everything external to him would be put off by his thorny coating and leave him the f*&# alone... Now, many years and many life experiences later, I observe the same behaviours manifest in many human social interactions... 🐇🦔🐇🦔🐇

It's so easy to misperceive someone as 'a Prick,' when really they're just 'acting prickly.' The former being a judgment-laden identity assigned to their persona, and the latter being a just characteristic tailor-made by evolution and survival of the fittest. They don't feel safe for some reason so their guard is up. The danger at the heart of this misperception is that, especially when this is our first impression of someone, it becomes an idea that we shroud in confirmation bias which then creates an entrenched implacable belief.  That person is now a Prick in our minds forever-more... 👋🖕💩

But damn, who among us hasn't been guilty of prickliness? Had a rotten day and wasn't our normal happy-chappy selves? Felt a bit more stressed/less resilient, so our inner asshole was a tad closer to the surface than is typical? Been in a situation where emotions were running high, so hunkered down and hid as best we could to avoid getting caught in the turbulence? Had life experiences or innate forms of predisposition that put us on-edge when we first meet someone new, or when we're in a new/uncomfortable environment (i.e. various forms of anxiety disorders)? Or maybe, just maybe, we're carrying around unhealed trauma so we're not just pricks, we're spiked shitheads, and none the wiser to our underlying issues. 

No matter the reason, getting our prickle-on is critical for maintaining our sense of psychological and physical safety. It also permits the establishment of healthy boundaries so undeserving people can't take advantage of us. Humans, like hedgehogs, adjust our levels of spikiness based on our mental and physical atmospheres, and whether or not we feel we can be ourselves, sans filter, without fear of judgment and/or negative repercussion (which of course can be either real or perceived, but guides our behaviours regardless). 🤔🐇🕳

Essentially, this distills down to how much TRUST we have in any given setting, and the people within that scene. Its the complex calculation of David Maister's Trust equation, and comprises the Intimacy element in particular. For many this can be the critical tipping point where trust is either galvanized or eroded; the difference between forming/sustaining a relationship or putting/keeping our guard up, thus being labelled as a stand-offish prick.

FEAR = MISTRUST = PROTECT SELF = PRICK 

Versus 

SAFE = TRUST = BE SELF = RELAX 

I know which state I prefer when I'm able to empower myself and consciously choose, yet since humans are hardwired for threat most of us fail to pause long enough to engage our frontal lobes and consider the choice to be made. And admittedly, when I'm in reactive/lizard brain mode, I'll put my prickle-pants on before I even realise a serenity-skirt is an option. 😅🧠🤷

It brings to mind an impactful quote by Stephen R. Covey that lit up a veritable disco ball in my mind, and even drove a considerable bit of rewiring I dare say... 💡🕳🐇💡

Intuitively I knew these eleven black and white words held the massive world of grey that is perception versus reality. It holds the key... the key to disarming ourselves and others, to creating an environment where the spikes aren't necessary. 🔑 

1) GET CURIOUS about other peoples' INTENTIONS and consider why they might portray spikiness. 

We do this for ourselves so fast it escapes our notice, and we automatically accept that we're doing what we're doing for the right reason and with positive intentions, even if the actions could be perceived by others as prickishness. 

2) Don't be a JUDGY ASSHOLE and MAKE ASSUMPTIONS about peoples' perceived prickly behaviours. 

Create space for them to be themselves, and act in a way that suits them best. Accept that it won't likely serve anyone else best, but is no less appropriate for their sense of safety. We don't need to like or agree with their approach, just offer empathy and compassion. 

Summarily, be a decent f*&#ing human and practice the golden rule, it's called GOLD for a reason. 🙏🌟💖

Right, that's the theory, now it's time for a couple of pointed stories to bring it to life. 📚🙏

Keratin Covered Coworker

The original concept for this article came to me over six years ago. I had an exceptionally peculiar coworker when I took a new role in a different team. Being a big believer in points #1 and #2 above, I did my best to remain curious and withhold adverse judgment rather than mirror his thorniness with my own bramble, thus overriding basic human instinct. 😅

No matter how cheerful I was, how genuinely I smiled, how many times I said hello or asked how they were doing... I got nothing. Zilch. Nada. 🦗 Hell, we even went to the same gym so I'd chat them up there as well. Their reaction was always the same, a mixture of startled indifference and confused nonchalance. This puzzled me exceedingly, and having a natural talent for rumination, I contemplated the plethora of weird and wonderful reasons a grown-ass human might arrive at such a disposition. 🤔

Now, I should mention, this person had a well known reputation for being a bit of a prick due to this characteristic antisocial behaviour, but f*&# do I love a challenge so I persevered in my determination to eventually break through the spiky exterior and coax this hedgehog into relaxation. Importantly, I never forced anything upon them, I simply remained extremely consistent in my conduct around them; non-confrontationally amicable. 😇

I don't remember exactly how long it took (definitely more than a month), but I damn-well recall the first time they replied to my 'Good Morning' with an extremely timid "Hi." I was chuffed! 🙌🎉 It had finally happened! Slowly, steadily, our interactions grew from single words to full sentences; and the day I made them laugh I nearly had a stroke. I couldn't know it then, but what my constancy did was demonstrate safety to my spiny coworker. We never became friends per se, but they still say hi to me to this day though I'm in a different area of our business and no longer around that particular site anymore, and I'll alway appreciate the radical perspective this person provided me... Allowing me to practice what I preach (again, see points #1 and #2 above), test my newfound esoteric theories (because, before I shifted, judgment-laden prickle-pants was my go-to f*&#ing uniform), and cultivate the ability to create space for people to simply be who they are without question or explanation (which required me to disassociate his demeanor toward me from anything about me as a person; i.e. I didn't take it personally). 👈👀🙋👏

Stress-Spike Induced Speechlessness

After my separation, I did what any frightened animal would do and hightailed it to safety. A calm and familiar environment where I could recede into myself, lick my wounds, and grieve under the watchful yet un-prying eyes of trusted friends; not just friends, my adopted family. 💔👎 

This patchy time in my life taught me that stress-induced migraines with accompanying speechlessness are a thing; who knew? As one can imagine, the first time it happened was terrifying, particularly for someone with an infamous 'gift of the gab.'  I could form and link the words in my head, but when I tried to speak they either wouldn't come out at all or issued out as a mass of garbled rubbish, or a string of incoherent nonsense. Terrifying! 😨😵

The initial episode happened in the presence of my aforementioned loved ones, and once I had recovered and recounted how I'd felt to them, one of them responded with an off-hand comment that knocked me completely a-back... 'Sounds like what I experience any time someone says anything to me, or I'm expected to speak in a group.' [paraphrased] 😲

Despite being one of my dearest friends for over eight years, despite all prior knowledge and adoration of their innately modest nature, this throw-away comment floored me; I never truly understood how difficult it was for them to talk. A very humbling epiphany came to me... all my life I've disdainfully judged people who 'needed an invitation' to conversations. F*&# did it frustrate me, like grow a pair, OPEN YOUR MOUTH, BE HEARD, IT'S NOT THAT HARD... Or so I assumed... very wrongly. 'Stuff them if they are too insecure to speak up, why should I cater to them?!'  Yes, embarrassingly, that's how I used to think, feel and act.  🤦😳🐇🕳

My friend's admission, because I was someone they trusted and felt comfortable to share such a vulnerability with, helped me realise I was using my 'gift of the gab' to poor effect. A gift I was obviously taking for granted... I feel safe and competent in nearly all social situations. I confrontingly deduced this talent elusively feeds my sense of egoic power; a skill I've abused at the expense of the people who aren't relaxed in that habitat and can't overcome the barriers required for them to speak up so easily... which is also likely why I'm not threatened when others have their backs-up. 🦔💡

I'm so grateful my friend shared this insight with me, it's allowed me to reevaluate that subconscious dysfunctional belief and ameliorate my tiny human ego (whose agenda seems to go a bit askew😅). I now see that I'm best to shut my trap, create the time and space needed for others to speak up on their own terms; or even better, use my voice to ask for their insights and empower them, establishing an atmosphere of inclusion. When I'm a prick others will react in kind, that's the darker side of human nature. So I've adjusted my focus towards applying heartfelt compassion, considering the psychological safety requirements of others so that they can relax, put away their spikes.

I don't know why it's strenuous for some to trust people and/or unprickle, but I don't need to... My culpability lies in creating and maintaining an environment where they can be themselves, spikes and all. To let them know that I'm not afraid of them, and they don't need to fear me... no judgment, no assumptions... just acceptance. 🙏💖

Original Publication Date 30 December 2023

Volcanic Guilt

TRIGGER WARNING: This post touches on aspects of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Disordered Eating within the context of my marriage's demise. 😳

It is deeply vulnerable, brutally honest, contains a lot of unedited F-bombs and may be a bit F*&#-ing BLEAK on the whole (akin to listening to "I Know It's Over" by The Smiths 😅😭). I wrote this to sate my own need for healing as a way to express and process my grief. My intention is to openly share a very apt example of how profound emotional issues can lay submerged in our subconscious for prolonged periods of time, how they might present as elusive self-sabotaging behaviours, and to contemplate what the hell to do with them when they finally come bubbling up to the surface. 

I'm struggling and no mistake. I'd have to guess, based on last night's nightmare, that he took the booze and sowed that lie exactly one year ago and something deep within my psyche remembers even though the exact date was never verified. The nightmare helped awaken me to the fact that I feel he proverbially 'Spat in my face,' just completely rejected me... his act was an act of purposefully malicious sabotage of our marriage. He may as well have ripped up our marriage license, vows, pictures... everything... right in front of me and said "You're a psycho that I don't want to be with anymore." In committing that act he abandoned me, left me no choice, gave me no control, no options to better myself to save our marriage... 💡🐇💣

Fucking hell, that just made me realise how badly I blame myself for our marriage ending. 😱😵😭

And isn't that a fucking classic example of victim-blaming and my proclivity for refusing to see myself as a victim... I can't allow myself to be the victim. Instead, I make myself the villain, the control freak, the monster, the person no one in their right mind would want to be with... and by-so-doing, I punish myself, I sabotage, I undermine my basic values and literally de-value myself, obliterating my self esteem. Quite frankly, I intentionally scare the shit out of myself, I've been doing it for about a week now... How? One of my biggest triggers... fucking food... literally eating anything I can get my friggin' hands on and invoking the intense fear of weight gain. 😣💥🍪🎂🤢 

The majority of people would say "But some indulgence, especially during the holidays, is normal! What's the big deal Summer? Relax, it'll be fine." Yet only those with disordered binge eating who have fought this particularly horrendous mental illness can understand how truly dangerous it is. These behaviours harm my mind as much as my body, likely more-so given they fuel the very vicious cycle of imbalance, like a gently undulating sea turned into a torrent of turbulent swells. 🌊

Fuck, I DON'T DESERVE ANY OF THIS! So what the fuck do I do?! Is it as simple as becoming aware of these underlying false beliefs and calling BULLSHIT again and again until I believe the true version of the situation instead of my distorted and self-deprecating version? How do I stop blaming myself for the fact that someone... No, not just someone, the person I loved most in this world, who I made personal and material sacrifices for, who I stood beside when no one else would, who I gave a BIG second chance to when he'd betrayed me the first time with a relationship-shattering lie (well, more of a withheld truth / lie by omission)... crossed the line I had so very very clearly drawn in the sand. Metaphorically by committing this act, he looked me straight in the face and walked right over it. At that point I had to let go for my own good... and perhaps for his as well... I can't know, I don't have visibility to him anymore. 🤷🤔

No control, just a void where the wedding vow of "I Will" once occupied... I fucking hate lying... and now I'm a liar because one year ago I had to face the situation in front of me and say "I Won't," like the bleakest Meatloaf Song. The worst part is I can't even be pissed... I'm too sad, too devastated (even a year later) to be truly angry... Too shocked that he'd throw away an otherwise beautiful marriage, all for a lie... A lie he told to hide from his own shadows. 🙈🙉🙊

I've not been able to find these words until right now, this very moment, and I'm grateful for them... grateful for the sadness... my heart has been holding onto this for a long time and that's a heavy burden to bear. This heartache grew to a crescendo until it drove an insatiable hunger, a way for my Body to awaken my conscious mind to the latent grief that required attention. No, I am not wholly the victim in this situation and I won't pretend to be... I wasn't a perfect wife. I have OCD and other quirks that I can imagine being difficult to deal with day-in and day-out as a partner... but isn't that marriage?! To love someone despite their flaws? Fuck, maybe - potentially - even loving them because of their flaws?! That's what I tried to do for him... but we both failed I guess. Neither of us could accept each other's worst shadows when it came down to brass tacks... so fair enough. 👋

All I can say is that I'm proud of myself for being constantly, bluntly, vulnerably, transparent and utterly HONEST about my shadows. I KNOW them, OWN them, and educate my loved ones about them... They are me and I am them. Whole. I asked for help, support and encouragement when I could feel my inner asshole grow stronger if/when life stressors got too great to manage with my normal resilience habits. I never hid the monsters inside me, because over the last 10 years I've paused, reflected, dug deep, delved into my iceberg and explored myself. It was a hard and sometimes terrifying adventure, but eventually I taught myself how to love them, embrace them, view them as a superpower. For me, this was an essential part of healing and it's fucking gruelling work... so some people lie instead of taking accountability of their own demons... and people who can't be honest with themselves sure as shit can't be honest with others. 💩👀

I made it clear I couldn't be with that kind of person, someone without the courage to confront their own shadows. For the simple cost of open honesty, I'd do everything it took to ease the discomfort of that process and provide unfailing support, I'd forgive any slip so long as I knew about it before everyone else... but it was in vain. 

One year ago a choice was made... to lie. Unfortunately I'd suffered as many lies as I'm willing to suffer in this life already, I was tapped out... so I left. I left my home, my cat, my dreams of our future... I left and I've never looked back. After all that I'll be fucked if I'll continue to lie to myself! An unhealthy lie that my shadows ended our marriage... that I'm wholly to blame. Finally, A LIE I CAN CONTROL. So I will. 👌🖕😅

There's so much to be grateful for... I'm grateful for a timely heartfelt insight, so I can calm this self-inflicted subconscious internal anguish I've been unjustly enduring. 

Regardless, from the actual day, I've been thankful for these intuitive knowings: 💯

• I was happy in my marriage right up to the second I decided to leave
• I have ZERO REGRETS, it was worth the risk
• The pain of our separation enabled me to learn self-care on a whole new level; I dialled that shit up to expert-level 😂🏆
• I was happy in my singledom the second I decided to leave... thoroughly at peace with my discernment of the situation and it's long-term implications

Unconditional love is extraordinarily rare in this life, and I may not have gotten it from my marriage but I'll damn sure love myself that way because it's what I fucking DESERVE. It's what we all deserve. 🙏💖

Here it comes... the ugly cry 😭💔... and I'll celebrate every tear because fuck I earned this right, this release, to be free of this wretched guilt. I deserve to reclaim my worth and feel secure in myself... shadows and all.

I had my most trusted editor, my Sister, vet this article for me to ensure I wasn't being too overt with the message and that it flowed well... I found her insights rather wise and amusing. 💞😅🌋

I especially appreciate her analogy because it relates back to our Human Iceberg comparison... Whether by fire or ice, failing to expand our awareness and/or ignoring what lies deep within us is a dangerous game to play; we get burnt either way... Our triggers give us significant indications of what snakes lay within ready to strike us or others if we remain oblivious to ourselves. 🐍🐇😳

And on that cheerful note, a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! 😅🎄😇🎉

Original Publication Date 24 December 2023

Treacherous Triggers

A seemingly 'ordinary' coaching session threw me down a massive rabbit hole... 🕳🐇

I listened to my coachee with growing unease as they described a situation where they decided not to take an action they had agreed to during our previous coaching conversation, an action I believed was needed to address the otherwise vicious cycle they were on in their work situation. Ugh, how could I get them to see the error of their ways?! What question could I ask? I felt the fidgets come upon me, the pull of personal opinion, assumption, bias, judgment and all the other barriers to being a good coach. So I breathed, focused and LISTENED as they explained their underlying intentions and motivations. Sweet jesus, it was then I realised I had very nearly fell into the dangerous trap of influencing them to commit to an action I would have taken to address the issue… a way to ease my personal fidgets and triggers; something that wouldn’t allow them the autonomy they deserved, to address the issue in accordance with their values, to govern and own their decisions in a truly authentic way. There was a critical false premise in my fallible brain, a misperception... My coachee was not avoiding the situation, instead they sussed out an even better way around it, one that was far more worth their efforts and energy. 

It was at this point I took an existential moment to feast upon a piece of humble pie... considering myself an exceptional coach as I did... Yikes, this trigger could have subconsciously and recklessly shot my Higher Self's ambitions right in the f*%#ing foot! Those ambitions being to empower and coach others, build their confidence and sense of self-security 💪💖. This is especially true given The International Coaching Federation's (ICF) core competency for coaches.... 😅😳🍰

Despite my heartfelt good intentions, I would have inadvertently galvanised them to waste more of their precious energy because I wanted them to be free of the chains of their situation. I very nearly willfully misunderstood what my coachee was trying to accomplish. I barely escaped the detrimental coaching trap of force-feeding my coachee a pre-determined solution because their lack of action had triggered me: Avoidance, failing to face situations head-on... Yes, I can feel the Snakes wiggling even now... this is one of my triggers 🐍🥳. Why? Because if I had continued to avoid my own issues and bullshit I wouldn't have evolved into the person I am today. And, full disclosure, my husband's inability to do the same is why we're now divorced...💣💥💩

Back to the session... A re-alignment was in order! So I backtracked, apologised for my coaching mindset slip-up, and praised my coachee for doing what they felt was best to do, not what I felt was best, despite their previous commitment to action and observable nervousness that I would disapprove (as if my subjective and horrifically flawed opinions matter 😂🤷). Thankfully, I overcame my own trigger well enough to LISTEN to their new solution, which was indeed a much wiser investment of their energy, aligned to their family-oriented values. 💖

I value FREEDOM, and I'll fight like hell against perceived chains... whether they're placed around me by my own mind or by others. For me, avoidance is deliberately allowing those chains to persist and prevent us from reaching our true potential; an enigmatic form of self-sabotage. I can't suffer it! Can't even contemplate it! 😡🙉 And so, Houdini has nothing on me, when I sense avoidance I plow ahead and urge others to do the same. Consequences be damned, I'll loosen those chains come hell or high water, and save others from their own to-boot! I've operated this way for so long I've forgotten: 1) That's not how everyone else approaches life, and 2) This mode of being has not always served me well! 😏⛓💥👎

And yes, I'll indulge in another slice of that humble pie thank you, as my coachee's new approach also confrontingly pointed out how much of my own energy I waste fighting against the perceived chains of injustice instead of setting a higher ambition, and by-so-doing rising above the situation. This was an elegant display of my coachee transitioning from a survival mindset (my preferred mode, and aforementioned 'Houdini Syndrome') to a thriving mindset (a mode I aspire to operate from each and every day. I reckon I'm at about 68:32 Surviving:Thriving... a significant improvement from even five years ago!) 🏆

I’m so grateful that my well-practiced introspective consciousness voiced a gentle ‘ahem…’ and helped me realise what I’d almost done. Irony of ironies, I come to the mind-bending conclusion that serving myself, trying to address my underlying triggers by preventing them from being re-lived through the experiences of others, inhibits my ability to serve my larger purpose… To coach and empower others, enable them to ignite their inner light and use it to explore the scary depths of their iceberg, ameliorate their potential by expanding their self awareness and their impact on others, understand the direction of their moral compass and live true to their value, take ownership of their decisions, actions and outcomes, buffer themselves against the human logical fallacy of failure. There is no failure, only feedback! 🤯💡

Whoops, sorry, pardon me while I step off my soap box... 😂🙄 More succinctly, I found that serving my ‘Human Ego’ doesn’t serve my ‘Higher Self,’ the one aligned to focusing on and helping others, rather than getting bogged down in my own bullshit (which helps no one, least of all myself). 🐮🤠💩👌

It pays to highlight an important aspect of our triggers, they are based on our beliefs and values which are NOT what other people necessarily believe or value. When our entrenched ideals are tread upon by others, whether based in actual reality or our perception of a violation, the Snakes writhe as adrenaline is dumped into our bloodstream and we'll either fight, fly away or freeze in response. These beliefs and values originate from the mind-numbing amalgamation of our innate personality (i.e. the characteristics we are born with), our familial, societal and cultural conditioning, and our unique life experiences (NOTE: A younger version of myself referred to this as our FUF (F*^#ed-Up-Filter 😅). Still more fascinating is that the majority of our principles remain in our sub- or un-conscious, which is how we get triggered without understanding the 'WHY.' We re-act without considering how best to act. We are icebergs, strangers to ourselves... until we do the work. 🔧👷💞🩹

This is why I advocate so strongly for PAUSING when we notice these reactions, feel the heat generated by squirming snakes and adrenaline in our veins. Taking the chance to get curious about what lies within is the key to our inner Selves, it unlocks opportunities to improve our mindsets and elevates our emotional intelligence. Effectively, we'll melt some of the arctic ice, and tend to be less of an asshole in the process. 👍🙏😅🐇

What are your triggers? When do the Snakes kick up a stink?

What are your core values? 

What is your personal purpose?

What mindsets do you hold that serve you well? Which do not serve you well, and how might you shift them to benefit yourself and your loved ones?

Original Publication Date 10 December 2023

Fundamental Feedback

I returned home from a business trip once to find my car parked in a different spot. Drawing the logical conclusion that my neighbour (who’s land my car and caravan/house is parked upon) must have moved it to mow the lawns. Since they were outside setting fence posts at that time, I sauntered over for a yarn and asked them how they liked driving my new wheels… a newly minted and very sexy Mitsubishi Eclipse Cross PHEV named ‘Phe’ (short for Phoenix) in diamond red. Unexpectedly the response to my benign query was a string of curses, and I laughed heartily listening to the frustrated tale that eventually emerged through the profanities... colourfully describing their attempt to move 'the damned thing' since the electric engine is completely silent and they couldn’t tell if it was on or not. 😂👂👎😂

I've loved few things as much as I love Phe... 💖

The giggling continued as I hopped into my beautiful Phe-Phe to move her back into her normal plug in posi on the other side of the caravan, named ‘Nix’ in case anyone is curious (yes, also short for Phoenix... I love a theme 🐦). I got the immediate and distinct ‘sense’ that she had certainly not been started up, moved, and/or re-parked in anything resembling the correct sequence. And full disclosure, by ‘sense’ I mean Phe ‘told’ me in a very playful and comical way because, I am not now, nor have I ever been, normal… Cars have always ‘talked’ to me; a fact I know but am otherwise unable to convince my logically skeptical brain to believe (...elucidated a bit further below 👌). There was objective evidence accompanying this sense as well, the brake pedal was harder than normal to depress and the steering wheel was locked… Still chuckling, I delighted in my neighbour’s frustration and pondered, in my esoteric way, why had they gotten so riled up? 🐇🤔

The next morning on the row machine it came to me, as so many epiphanies do… FEEDBACK! My neighbour is a professional agriculture machinery engineer, literally traveling the World to design, create and drive heavy ag equipment, it naturally follows that... 

1. They’re used to loud diesel motors that immediately give them direct feedback that they are running and ready to go. 
2. They’re extremely adept at fixing complex motor issues, and this lack of feedback must have provoked the pain of ineptitude… without the sound of an engine, they were now in unchartered territories, having to learn something new on the fly.

No Noise/Sound = No Feedback = Confusion, Frustration and Other Icky Emotions

In a flash this seemingly trivial occurence reaffirmed what has been true during my own adventure, as well as being a main topic of conversations in my role as a leadership development and high performance facilitator… feedback is essential for performance and improvement, and it comes in many forms from blatantly obvious to extremely sneaky and subtle (i.e. diesel motor versus electric motor).

The rhythmic rowing guided my introspective reflections on how my version of the electric motor issue manifests in my life, and it didn’t take long for the answer to arrive… online facilitation! When I facilitate workshops in person I’m damn-near unshakable, I can deal with all manner of weird and wonderful disturbances… late or absent participants (both physically and mentally), tech issues, extremely unexpected or challenging shifts in the conversation, or disruptive behaviours; I’m a confident verbal and non-verbal communicator. I pride myself on my adaptability and the ease with which I can seamlessly and inconspicuously course correct. Yet that tenacity flies out the virtual window as soon as I switch over to an online format. Since we learn by reflecting and not by doing, the reason underpinning this discrepancy elucidated me until I considered my neighbours conundrum and compared it to my own… I, like my neighbour, wasn’t getting the FEEDBACK I was used to receiving from a room full of warm bodies... feedback I required to feel fully competent and resilient. 💡💥

As someone who identifies as an Empath, I’m alive with the vibes in the room and getting constant verbal and non-verbal feedback; a shift, a sigh, eyes narrowed in concentration, a cheeky smile, nods, a lean in with mouth agape cuing me that someone has something to say, or a slouch down in avoidance… it’s all happening simultaneously and its all feedback, I just ‘read’ it faster than my conscious mind can process so I hadn’t been perceiving it that way. Compare that to the virtual vacuum of online calls and I’m literally flying blind. To compensate and get the feedback I need I have to focus on each video individually instead of reading the entire room at once, I must ask more questions to draw out verbal feedback that I would typically get without words, and listen carefully for their tone as well. It’s maddening, and it takes a lot more energy. My capacity to handle setbacks is of course eroded, I literally have less energy to spend troubleshooting and it takes longer to do so... Maddening I say! 

A Note About Whimsical Non-Auditory Bio-Feedback
For those who are uncomfortable with the spiritual aspects of the noun Empath, know that one half of my brain empathises (hehe! 😅)… My scientific and naturally skeptical brain hemisphere spent much of my youth demanding the opposite hemisphere experiencing the emotions of others was downright crazy. This was one of the main contributors to my constant anxiety. There’s nothing like a ceaseless internal battle between cognitive hemispheres do drive inner turmoil and self doubt! 💩😳

The good news for all of us is that there is a perfectly rational explanation! As humans I think we often forget that WE ARE ANIMALS, and the science is clear… animals communicate non-verbally. Whether it’s a dog partaking in a nose-to-bum ‘meet and greet,’ an army of ants following that curiously straight-lined pheromone-guided path home, the mischievous look a cat dons right before it pushes something off a countertop, or two Homo habilis having a perfectly loving and functional relationship without the perceived ‘benefits’ of language; we communicate non-verbally far more than we do verbally. The difference is that instead of relying on words, we ‘hear’ with our eyes, our nose, our touch and even through all manner of crazy ass receptors covering our body that detect shit we can’t see... Hell, the sun doesn't need to scream 'GOOD MORNING' for us to wake at dawn as photons begin to tickle our eyelids (at least that's what would happen if we didn't elect to have our phones bellow ringtones at us 🔊). 

So, am I 'hearing' my car bad-mouth my neighbour, ‘feeling’ someone else’s emotions, and 'reading' someone's energy through an enigmatic spiritual magic? Or am I downloading my car's objective data faster than my brain can comprehend, and detecting some sort of invisible chemical emitted by a person's body and combining that with their posture and breathing rate? I have no clue… but remaining OPEN to all possibilities is how I keep my hemispheres balanced and maintain the peace between all my intelligence centres.

What feedback is someone or something trying to give you?

What ‘noisy’ feedback might you need to give when your ‘silent’ feedback isn’t working?

What is the difference between being an Empath, versus someone experiencing Empathy, versus someone who DISPLAYS Empathy (but may not actually feel it)?

Original Publication Date 12 November 2023

Wonderful Whimsy

What to do when I’m keen to write something, anything really, to cultivate and reinforce my habit of creative expression through writing and sate my passion for drip-feeding inane introspective perspectives to my wee beloved audience [sometimes just me 🙋‍♀️], but grossly underestimate the amount of time I realistically need to publish a new fully fleshed out article? I indulge in whimsy! Go down a rabbit hole that seemingly sprang out of nowhere, and what's more whimsical than that?!🐇📚

I have sooo many compositions in my Heart and Head, a backlog I lovingly and longingly refer to as 'the graveyard' that's accumulated over the last 6-7 years. I always start my weekend thinking… ‘Yes, this is the weekend to finally get to [INSERT TITLE], I can certainly smash that out in one weekend!’... then I realise these works take time and effort, and that I have the attention span of a butterfly on LSD, and I’m also prone to distracting myself with menial tasks instead of down-shifting into my creative space… Why one may ask? It’s either my brain trying to conserve the energy it takes me to create because that type of thinking doesn’t come naturally to me (i.e. What Agatha refers to as ‘laziness’ in her quote), or I’m a self-sabotaging masochist… it’s quite difficult to tell which at times; I reckon the ratio changes on any given weekend and that ratio is also impacted with how much cheesecake I’ve over-indulged in, which in turn effects my energy levels… Ah, we’re such complex animals us humans! 😅🤷‍♀️

All that to say my innovative solution to this existential conundrum today is succumbing to whimsy, a decidedly odd memory that randomly sprang to the forefront of my mind the other day that made me giggle. I love the friggin' word whimsy, just look at it, it's adorable! 😇🥰 Also, as my readers may well guess... no word in any of my posts is chosen lightly, each one is deliberate. Just read the definition... Not only is 'Wonderful Whimsy' delightfully alliterative, but good-god if this isn't a bit of me! Small suprise that curiousity got the better of me and my fingers started tapping out something completely unexpected and not at all what I had intended to write! 😅🐇🙏💖🎯

... a the definition for Capricious, because I honestly didn't know what that meant... 👀👈

The nature of  this particular 'Whim' originated from a sparked memory. 💥🧠 Being the Halloween-Spooky time of the year, the Unexpected Elements podcast I frequent mentioned Cryptids, and hinted that they may well have found their origins in passive aggressive parenting deterrent tactics to keep their kids well-away from unsafe practices... 

Suddenly there I was... about 11 years old... hoofing it along a long stretch of the country road I grew up on, Dog Hill Road, walking the two miles to my friends’ house. Just before climbing the final hill to my bestie's place I traverse a very flat stretch of land flanked by marshy wetlands. I quicken my pace as my heart begins to pound and I feel afraid… hoping like hell to avoid the swamp monster my Mother insisted inhabited this area… a swamp monster who nabbed little girls stupid enough to strike out on their own. 😉

As an adult hard on the heels on my fourth decade I pause now to consider why I took the chance despite that fear. I was quite gullible and I do remember thinking there was an appreciable chance this monster would indeed abduct me, yet I was quite determined nonetheless… Here’s what immediately comes to mind without over-analysing it...

• I was quite the little dissident, I didn’t like being told where and where-not to go 🖕
• I was at least 36% certain the swamp monster wasn’t an actual threat... I realise it sounds horrible, but thanks to my childhood obesity I always felt a bit protected from being an easy target (something I confrontingly discerned much later... like last year... lay at the root cause of said girth)  😳
• Mostly, and perhaps most importantly, I wanted to see my friend and spend time with her despite the risk… otherwise I’d be on my own all day long 👭💞

Now I realise what this seemingly inconsequential anecdote tells me about my inner values, and they’re true to form to this very day. I take risks to protect my sense of independence and prioritise my relationships. As a classically trained scientist, I also value data and each time I took that risk and walked that stretch of road without being sucked into the swamp by an elusive beast, I had more evidence that the risk wasn’t real... Holy shit, until I wrote that I didn't fully realise that my admiration for experimentation and the accumulation of resulting data manifested so young, possibly foretelling future career choices. 🤓🧪

What profound insights are your stories and prevailing memories telling you? 🐇💡

Original Publication Date 05 November 2023