20MRH: Goals, Intervals & Feels

Talking Points

• A practical approach to comprehending Self-Love and Self-Acceptance 
• The nature of goal-setting; pros and cons
• Concept of intervals as small smart achievable goals
• The goal deterrent: Fear of failure
• The importance of entering Permission-Mode
• Learning our boundaries when shit falls over, setting needless goals
• Don't hate, mitigate; make a new plan/goal!
• There is no failure, only feedback (even when it's unwanted)
• Lastly, but not leastly, the importance of Self-Care

Self-Love Vs. Self-Acceptance

One could argue this is a bit of a 'chicken and egg' conundrum as some people may need to feel accepted in order to feel loved, while others may need to feel loved before feeling accepted. Regardless, I remain firm in my assertion that there are distinct differences between these two concepts, largely driven by the intelligence centres that govern them; Heart and Gut, respectively. For me loving myself is a heart-felt sensation, like I'm hugging myself. It is a warm blanket of compassion that envelops every cell, understanding that life is hard and unjust at times and I deserve care and nurturing. I only know this because I lived a sizeable portion of my life without it. I'll spare everyone the gory details of what it looked like to continually try and walk out on myself, abandon myself; but many psychologists would label it as some type of colourful Anxiety or Panic disorder. These are my examples, for others a lack of self-love could cultivate any number of detrimental mindsets, causing inner suffering and driving seemingly destructive behaviours.

Whether its easier for someone to attain self-love or self-acceptance is certainly a matter of both nature (innate personality) and nurture (upbringing and societal conditioning). It's easy for me to assume that someone who grew up in a loving household with family game nights, vacations and regular meals; someone who received consistent emotional support, would have a healthy concept of self-love. I'd be wrong, however, because where one person may (those being pre-disposed to thoughts of worthiness), another may not (those being pre-disposed to thoughts of worthlessness). Though a rather bleak example, it's fitting to point out that people who become violent criminals come from both broken homes as well as affectionate homes. Ah, the endless caveats of human psychology! 

Fair warning, I'm about to park self-love for awhile and enter a rather lengthy tirade about self-acceptance because at present I'm content with my sense of self-love (though I'm sure that will change at some stage once I uncover more rabbit-holes, that's kind of how this works 😂🐇). Besides, there's so much 'Eat-Pray-Love' shit floating around the internet I'm confident in my readers' ability to find plenty of self-love fodder. On the contrary, I'm continually noticing clues that my sense of self-acceptance needs revisiting. Hell, I'm half-convinced self-love is my underlying motivation; the recent growing intolerance I feel towards myself is making me miserable and I don't deserve it dammit. Judgment at the hands of others is one thing, but continual self-judgment is inescapable and dangerous. I need to shift my self-acceptance attitude back towards the 'Sweet Spot' ... So, uh, how do I do that... Because 'forcing' self-acceptance seems a tad inauthentic. In fact, I've already tried that and it obviously didn't stick. Back in the dawn of my personal growth adventure, I used to think I had self-acceptance. In retrospect, however, I find that's because I THOUGHT I had it; I could not yet FEEL it. I confused genuine self-acceptance with 'putting up with myself' and my flaws in a way that bordered on resolved, yet annoyed, tolerance. Subconsciously I continued to judge myself (a hard habit to break for anyone), driving a whole lot of self-defeating thoughts and emotions out of their hidey holes. 

Self-acceptance is not thinking I 'should' be doing this or that, or acting a certain way, or feeling unsettled due to perpetual internal conflicts. It's not having the default mode of my underlying beliefs set to 'WRONG.' Jiminy Christmas that sounds horrid, and it is, but it's still how I feel from time to time. Despite all my awareness and ability to recognise this as unhealthy, I'll be damned if I know how to 'fix' it. But isn't that the whole point?! I am not a damned problem that requires fixing! Right here, right now, this is where I'm at and these are the inner conundrums I'm dealing with, and there's nothing wrong with that. Ironically, the only reason it's a 'problem' is because I think it's a 'problem.'

Instead, can I TRUST that I'm experiencing what I need to experience to learn and grow; to reach a deeper level of awareness and understanding of myself?

So what If I continually move the goal-post and keep myself busy? Why do I label that as 'wrong'? I thought this way of living brought me pain, and easing that pain was the reason I wanted to shift my busy-bee tendencies 🐝. What brings me pain is this inner self-judgement and fear of others' judgment (99.9% of which is perceived and not real). It makes me feel like it's wrong to be myself, that I can't trust my inclinations, and it certainly leaves no room to celebrate the significant progress I've already made.  I literally used to beat myself up! I could never do that now. Finding self-love and compassion enabled that critical shift in my behaviours. 

It sounds ludicrous, but I actually like that I'm a bit of a 'hot-mess' (which is how I'm guessing others perceive me because I keep myself in a higher energy state that some might refer to as 'stressed' 😅). It keeps life interesting and I know, deep down, that every struggle I put in front of myself (or is put in front of me by life) brings me closer to the person I want to become. I'm on an adventure that no one else can understand because I rarely understand it myself! 

I started to linearise it this morning while journalling, and then later while watching a stream in a forest:

"[Journal] Look, I am quite hard on myself, but I'm no longer needlessly hard on myself and I can feel the nuance between too hard and just hard enough. Recently I floored it right past that boundary, but I did it in full awareness, I knew the sense of achievement would be worth the burn-out. I also knew I could heal and recuperate, care for myself and recover. I don't regret doing it, I knew I'd learn and grow stronger from the experience. That 'knowing' is intrinsically linked to my Gut. Yup, I'm hard on myself alright, a tough self-parent perhaps, but it's not borne of masochistic self-punishment (anymore). I'm pushing myself because of a pull my Gut feels, although my Head can't comprehend so it usually puts up a fight which then leads to internal conflict. It's that conflict that causes the pain, and it's especially pronounced when my Head is taking in perceived judgments for the World around me because it feels safer to 'fit in' than to be true to my own weirdo ways. More and more I find that self-acceptance is having no regrets for the way I go about my life and trusting my Gut will always pull me in the right direction.

[By the Stream] Being drawn to challenges and struggles is in my personality. I can see the river I grew up next to, the mighty St. Lawrence; deep, majestic, and calm. Now I look down at this stony mountain stream. It's noisy, turbulent, yet so beautiful it moves me to tears. Every crack and crevice creates swirls of bubbling chaotic beauty. It's a much rougher ride than the a deeper and calmer river, still I am pulled to that fast-paced excitement. It's neither a good thing nor a bad thing, it's just my preference."

My Heart governs self-love, it took quite a bit of inner work to repair past trauma and revive it to fulfill that function. Self-acceptance is governed by my Gut, but until now I couldn't see how to build the Trust required to concede its wisdom, fully connect with my instincts. The Gut is responsible for the expression of courage; and I know nothing so courageous as unashamedly being myself. I am who I am, a culmination of nature and nurture. It's my Head, with all its judgments and influences from the World around me, that continually perceives and labels shit as 'wrong.' I'm not blaming my Head, it has a big job, taking in so much information from so many sources and attempting to make meaning from it all; no wonder I get things confused and feel conflicted! My Gut inherently knows that I'm 'Good Enough', that I can trust myself and that I'm safe.

I can't expect anyone but myself to fully appreciate that I am not who I was, nor am I who I'll be in the future, all that matters is I trust in who I am now. I'm on my life's adventure and taking my own unique meandering path. No doubt this path looks a bit rough and overgrown in areas to others, if and when I find an easier one I may take it... Probably not though... and that's a refreshing expression of self-acceptance.

Original Publication Date 26 November 2020, Revised 14 September 2022

🎤💬Audio Version 💬🎤

 

Good Enough

Dear me, what ever will I do with myself... barking at the heels of 36 and not satisfied with who I am and still not sure if I'm happy. Same old triggers, I didn't write all day yesterday, didn't 'produce' or 'work' in any 'meaningful' way, didn't hit the arbitrary goals I set for myself so that I could be 'good enough'... [Everything in 'quotes' being utterly subjective, of course.] 🐇🤦🐇

FOR F*#$'S SAKE, WHAT'S 'GOOD ENOUGH' EVEN MEAN?! So far as I can tell it's an unachievable goal post that I keep f*$%ing moving as soon as I even get close to it! Here it comes! I've done a 'good job' today... I'm gonna get there! But no, I 'failed' to save a baby from a burning building, so 'Naughty Summer!' no sense of achievement for you today, sorry! Wouldn't a sane person move the goal post closer to themselves instead of  further away? WTF?! 😳

In truth these are fairly loud indicators of much deeper issues... 🐇🐇

People always tell me that I'm too hard on myself, but f&$# they don't know the half of it! Sometimes I fear my mind is so full of rabbit holes that I'm trapped in here, on an endless quest to find self-acceptance, but a very disturbing thought occurs to me... as absolutely f%@*ed up as it is, I must subconsciously fear being 'good enough' because then I could just relax and be myself... nothing to strive for... and if I'm honest, that sounds dreadfully boring. No goal? No thank you! So instead I'm left with the extremely confronting fact that I berate myself, not out of an actual belief that I'm not 'good enough,' but out of a fear of boredom. I strive for the sake of striving, I struggle as a means of masochistic, if not existential, entertainment... Sweet Jesus. I make life harder for myself because I've come to expect life to be hard... And what we think, we will manifest. 👀👈💣

Ugh, my poor brain hurts. Is it just my personality? The type of person who is either never quite satisfied with myself, or feeds myself lies that what I've accomplished or who I am isn't quite 'good enough?' Am I someone who couldn't relax even if I wanted to? Would I even know how? Somewhere along the way I've either forgotten the magic formulae, was never taught the skills or never gifted the tools! Drama from the age of Day Zero has led to an addiction to perpetuating dramatics by opting to fear boredom in its weird and wonderful forms, like relaxation and self-acceptance. A dangerous limiting belief that self-care is for people with nothing better to do?! 😬

In this way drama, striving, never having or being 'enough', fends off boredom and even leaves me with a sense of excitement and purpose... but is it a purposeful purpose? A purpose that serves me well and nurtures wellbeing? I'd have to say 'Damn No!' based on previous data... 👀 🤷

Conceptually I understand this, but how the hell do I enter a mindset where it's no longer necessary? How do I shift it; kick the habit? Set aside a time when I practice being 'good enough' and whatever I'm doing is 'good enough,' time to relax into being myself and do nothing. I've struggled with this a lot. For many years I used to consciously practice accepting myself, this is not new... I don't recall it being a major issue again until my very recent growth spurt, so maybe it's time to think about it from a new and/or deeper perspective. Here I go with the 'meta' shit again... The issue isn't that I feel I'm not 'good enough,' it's that I'm not good enough at being not 'good enough!'... FFS. 😂💆💞

So... the question becomes, do I accept who I am and continue lashing myself with a 'not good enough' whip, or do I attempt to learn to slow down, stop even; learn that it's ok to be me, it's safe to be me, just as I am, because I can trust myself ... my WHOLE SELF ... Ah yes, and there is it... the deeper layer. 'Not good enough' is a lie I feed myself, because I'm still learning how to trust myself and how to integrate all that I am into one being... I don't yet trust my intuitive sense, base instincts, and heartfelt urges. Until I fully trust myself, no other meaningful changes can occur. I'll always be afraid to live in my own skin. For me, there is no safety without trust. What a radical notion... 💥🐇💡

UPDATE... 3 years on (now barking at the heels of 40), nearly to the fateful day (said because I set out to do this revision having no conscious clue it was an anniverary! 😅), and while I won't deny I still feel this way at times I also want to celebrate that I'm infinitely better able to practice what Dr. Wayne Dyer, my personal transformation superhero, taught me... both to confront the fear within so I can simply 'be'... at peace in my WHOLE SELF instead of needing to 'do'... driven by the chaos of spiders in my brain and snakes in my heart. Indeed, Dr. Wayne woke me to so much, in particular how to protect my innate worth instead of listening to self-destructive false narratives fuelled from a lifetime of bullshit. 🐮💩

So as I continue to heal, un-wire and re-wire my brain, bring myself closer to the person I want to become, I also endeavor to remember to accept responsibility for the quality of my thoughts and fully appreciate and own their power. Our mind is a sword, sharp and dangerous... sometimes we cut ourselves and sometimes we cut others; the INTENTIONS underlying its use are PARAMOUNT. A truly skilled warrior knows when to weild their sword and when to yield it; when we understand this, we feel secure enough in our abilities and sense of Self that we no longer need to fight ourselves or others. Effectively, we stop being pricks and assholes. 😅😇

Another Creepy Coincidence... Dr. Wayne saved my Spirit. My life changed 12 years ago when I suffered my first heartbreak and realised I had some significant inner work to do... work required to hold meaningful relationships with my Self and others... work that Dr. Wayne very much informed and heavily influenced. On August 27th 2015 I spent many dollars I didn't feel I had to spare to get my ass to Auckland to see him in person, knowing the value was beyond material. How could I miss the opportunity to hear him speak in the flesh?! What's more, it was his first time back in NZ after 10 years! No, I had to go, no matter the cost... and I did, and it was lovely and I reconnected with his teachings just in time to ease me through the turbulence of another tenuous romatic relationship that led to my second major split. Three days after that event, he died in his sleep... coincidence? maybe... likely... but maybe not... maybe his Spirit stayed around just long enough to help me and the others in the room that night, just maybe...🤔🙏💖🐇

Original Publication Date 25 November 2020, Revised 26 November 2023