The Day God Spoke to Me Through a Barista

There is no way to articulate what happened to me; at a minimum, it was deific. I still feel awe when remembering the experience and tears fill my eyes. God spoke to me one fateful day, through a Barista. ☕🐇🤷‍♀️🕳

Like a good little girl I went to church with my Mom and Dad during a home visit. I'm a bit ashamed to admit this, but the whole time I was in church I was either 1) caught between thinking the people were either crazy or being jealous at the pure joy they obviously felt as a result of their holy connection, or 2) thinking about when I'd inevitably get hungry and worrying that my blood sugar would get low before I could get back to the soup and salad I had waiting for me back at my Dad's house, forcing me to eat something other than what I had planned to eat. This is my crux, my addiction; absolute control over what, when, and how I eat. Even though I haven't counted in a week, and I'm not planning meals days in advance, the same anxiety-ridden fear-filled thoughts have not ceased. In a last ditch effort to harvest my serenity, I attempted to focus on trusting my body, comprehending that building my intuitive bodily senses and signals is the only way out of this mess. 🤦‍♀️

Mine is a behavioral addiction, unlike the chemical addictions that run rampant in my family. I had never really given this difference much thought until explaining to my father the other day that although I sometimes smoke cigarettes I've never been addicted to nicotine, likely lacking the genetic component that makes people nicotine addicts. Similarly, I have drunk plenty of booze and hit my share of bongs, yet nothing chemical has ever stuck. Now, tell me about a new study that shows 45 minutes of cardio is the optimal amount of time to workout, or that 1874 calories is what I should eat to maintain my weight, then try to get me to stop staunchly adhering to precisely those numbers. The stability, the control, these numbers offer draw me in and lock my Mind in place. At first they bring me peace, but comfort transforms into torture as I realize that any alteration incapacitates me with anxiety. Consequently, it seems odd to me that these addiction variants can be equally powerful and destructive though society tends to ignore or deny them. Only recently have addictions like eating disorders, OCD and hoarding behaviors been the focus of recovery programs. And it's unlikely sufferers like me are keen to openly seek help; no, we're far too busy trying to act normal. 😓🙈

Back to church. At the start of the service the Barista who had taken my complicated and somewhat ridiculous Cappuccino order (decaf, nonfat, sugar-free almond, extra foam) the other day at my favorite local coffee shop came over to me, elated, that she had another opportunity to see me. I thought this a bit odd since, though she was extremely kind and open at the shop, I hadn't shared anything personal with her in any way... or so I thought. 🤔😟

After the service she found me again and asked if I would pray with her; I wanted to leave and eat an apple, but decided there was no harm in appeasing her. Who turns down well wishes?! What happened next turned my world upside down and left me feeling absurd for feeling such prickly judgment over the churchgoers; the Almighty was about to prove just how right they were. It was as though God smacked me in the forehead and said "You shoulda had a f*$!ing V8!" And considering my issues, I took this quite literally!

She prayed that I saw that I am WHOLE, that I am not broken; affirmed that I have already won. Asked that God ensure the food I eat will nourish me, help me to see that my Body will not trick me and I can TRUST my innate feelings of hunger and satiation. Declared that I am beautiful and worthy of love, and beseeched God to make all these things visible to me. She even mentioned something about being more valuable than the calories I eat, but admittedly at that point I was in such a state of amazement and befuddlement, not to mention uncontrollable sobbing, that I can't recall the exact words. How did she know?! What did she see?! In that instant I was completely certain of one thing: This was why I came here before leaving, for God to deliver this message in a way I would have to accept. Heaven knows, all these things I have told myself time and time again, but have never been able to believe. Now, how could I deny them when they were utterly crystal clear to a total stranger?

As we were wrapping up our prayer and I thanked the angelic Barista repeatedly while also praising her substantial intuitive gift, my best friend from middle school came over to lend me her support as well. She said something that really struck me, something I have always known but did not recognize in myself; 'The greatest gift we have is the love we give to others." Then she imparted that sentiment onto me, stating that I've always had that gift, yet I've always seen myself as more selfish than giving. Again, something I'll have to accept and love about myself.

Fatefully, as I've already mentioned, yesterday marked the first full week I've gone without counting calories or planning out meals in advance. The copious amounts of anxiety I was experiencing as a result had me at my breaking point, thinking that I should count if only to appease the shadow even though I know the number doesn't mean anything, and the only true and accurate calorie counter is my Body. After my divine intervention, however, there was no way I was about to count! After all, I have already won, I only need to learn to see that and stay the course!

The Hindsight of 20/20... Over Nine Years Later

To this day, reflecting on that experience inspires a sob-fest. 🥳😅

The tears are a complex mixture of writhing emotions as I ashamedly yet acceptingly concede these behaviours have very much stuck with me; my shadow faithfully at my side. I attempt to keep all the detrimental toxic false beliefs in balance with actual health, self care and primarily rely on my innate bodily sensations of hunger. But damn, I'm still recovering... still healing; some say being 'recovered' is possible, but I just don't know. I could have never anticipated the severe impact and repercussions that shifting my shape would have on my delicate human psyche. F*$!ING BLEAK, but sorry folks, the silver lining is rather slim... and grey. Regardless, I'm healthier and stronger than I've been since first becoming aware of my disordered eating, and I'm determined to get better even if that means learning to manage and live with this gnarly behavioural 'disorder.' I'm worth loving even if I am a bit f*#!ed after all. We all are! 😅🤣💖🐇🤪

Original Publication Date 02/02/2015 as "Thought of the Day 02/01/2015: The Day God Spoke to Me Through a Barista" on Analytical Ramblings of a Scientific Mind

Updated 30 June 2024

Episode 1: Introduction & My Velvety Matariki Intention

A Wee PS Note...

Original Release Date 14 July 2024

Perception Versus Reality

I’m fully aware that my constant pursuit of a deeper knowing and expansion of my human consciousness has made me, and will continue to make me, ‘different’ in the eyes of others. Sure, 'normal' is a on a spectrum, but I think we can all agree I've flown well past the extreme end of f*$@ing out-there; the 'reality' of my personal purpose and how I achieve it will be 'perceived' by others to varying degrees of that extremity. 😝💖😵

I’m constantly curious, but about my own thoughts and feelings and those of everyone around me. Do I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADHD) and or an Eating Disorder (ED)? F*$# knows… Am I human? Yes, yes I am (whether I bloody like it or not, at times 😅). Does my mind play tricks on me, feed me a narrative that is out of touch with the realities of other people’s perception of me? Almost certainly… Am I the fun kind of crazy or actually crazy? Jury's still out… It depends on the day, the circumstances, the context surrounding the situation, the people involved and how well they 'know' me, or even how well they want to know me. It’s all just a swirling mass of subconscious biases and conditioned thoughts, feelings and behaviours, faulted memories of previous experiences and personal motivational drivers. These compose my reality, and the behaviours they motivate inform people’s perception of me which may or may not align with my own perception of Self. What a RABBIT HOLE! 🕳🐇

I’ve done a hell of a lot of re-wiring, led myself through a deconstruction of who I was conditioned to be through familial upbringing and societal conventions to discover who I truly am... it got scary, I can't lie. It tested the boundaries of my sanity, literally. But F*$@, what did I have to lose? According to many others I was already 'mentally ill.'  Ironically however, the more I embraced all the diagnoses I'd accumulated and vowed "Dammit, I'll love myself for this too!" the less these misjudged 'illnesses' have dominated my life. I've learned to accept this innate wiring of my brain chemistry, that I can’t necessarily shift, with as much grace and as little self-punishment as possible. Letting go of the concept of imperfection has been a long slow slog for me. But what else can I do? 👉💩🗻😂

When I observe thoughts, emotions and reactions that don’t serve me or others within my sphere of influence, well, I do my best to practice new thoughts and ways of behaving. I endeavour to become aware of these old narratives and assumptions, challenge them in real-time and try to prove them wrong in hopes of either re-writing the script or validating them… both are critical data needed to understand the reality of the situation. Why do I do this so vehemently? To put it bluntly… to stop being such a judgmental dick to myself and others, to become more compassionate, empathetic, open-minded and authentically kind. To allow people the honour of feeling safe to be themselves around me, but also let them know if/when they’ve crossed one of my trigger points because healthy boundaries keep us all safe, as well as cultivating and preserving a sense of genuine self esteem.

What we tell ourselves, how we behave towards ourselves, is how we’ll talk to and treat others; whether we’re conscious of that or not is a completely different story. I give others the advice and feedback that I strive to follow my magnificently-fallible Self. None among us is exempt from such human follies, which are a consequence of our threat-based survivalist lizard-brain. We’re on constant guard, surveying our lives and the lives of others looking for issues and dangers that might make us uncomfortable or disempower us. Unfortunately, treating ourselves and others as ‘problems to be solved’ doesn’t leave much room for kindness, open-mindedness and/or non-judgment. 👎👀

I spend a hell of a lot of brain energy on this stuff, if for no other reason than to distract those threat-based circuits and get them firing towards something more empowering; remaining GRATEFUL for my life, in all its shit-showing glory, and seeing solutions/opportunities instead of issues/problems. There is no failure, no mistakes... only things to learn from, taking it on the chin if/when necessary since we're often the cause of our own demise. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I started pulling the string of self development when I finally grew tired of my own bullshit, and the fact that I was constantly getting in my own way, undermining my own sense of worth. 😅🤷🤦

When I achieve periods of sustainable mental health, wellbeing and emotional intelligence, than role-model that to others, I’m hoping like hell it becomes as infectious as COVID-19. I’m learning to serve this World and everyone on it using pure intentions of good will, genuine smiley emotionally contagious mirror neurons, and displays of Trust in the Universe. Thereby re-affirming the soothing sentiment that 'everything happens for a reason'... as frustrating as that may be at times. My rallying cry has become "Back Yourself Bitch!" and I encourage others to invoke the same; and if they can't, I'll shout it at them until they listen. 😝🔊😍💥

Does that sound nuts? Probably... but f*%# it, I started this mad adventure thirteen years ago by listening to The Power of Now and whatever Dr. Wayne Dyer had to say and write. I transitioned from medicated and hospitalised to the weird and wonderful WHOLE being (yet delightful hot-mess) that I am now. I’ll continue to evolve by constantly poking my brain with the sharp pointy sticks that are ‘The Why's,’ remain curious and humble in my utter ignorance of the realities of others and appreciative of my privileged situation. I can spend my energy on these reflections instead of worrying about when the next literal bomb will drop, how to put food on the table for my family, get down the street without being assaulted, or having to find a job and a place to live. My core life principle has been to LEARN WITH A GRATEFUL HEART, because the older I get the more naïve I realise I am about the day-to-day realities of other humans. I cannot 'fix' anything about them, nor would I rob them of the power of realising everything we need is already inside them. All I can do is be a safe place of non-judgment and respite from life's many hardships. Suddenly, my BULLSHIT and drama becomes laughably insignificant.

Alas, survival/threat-based hard-wiring is so difficult to overcome! Developing that frontal lobe, and probably other areas of the brain, is not an easy process and certainly not for the faint of heart nor those with ‘precious’ / easily offended tiny-human egos. Please, can we all agree to start laughing and rejoicing in our absurdities?! Anyone?... Buller?... 😉😂 This is a necessary aspect of admitting to ourselves that we’re simply overflowing with false beliefs, assumptions, biases, greedy agendas, and blame… and goodness knows we all hate being f*%#ing wrong. Confronting ourselves in the proverbial 'mirror,' doing a gap analysis being perception and reality, is ugly and terrifying (whether it's our own or those of others); but damn is it worth it to become a healthy, balanced, human being that treats everyone with the respect we all deserve.

We simply can't fathom what people have gone through, or what they're currently going through. Life isn’t kind to anyone on this Earth. We perceive some people as a threat, others as friends, and mostly we fail to consider them at all… yet we’re all human and here together. Living this life inside our minds taking our abysmal best guess at what lies in the minds others; we can learn so much from each other if/when we can quiet our internal dialogue long enough to: 

• Observe without judgment 
• Listen to understand
• Become genuinely curious about their intentions, without making assumptions

I’ll never forget Mr. Eckhart Tolle insisting that if I wanted to live in 'The Now,' be present, less anxious, and start to dis-entangle the chaos in my head and subsequently my life, then I’d need to learn to be ‘The Watcher.’ Methodically and persistently practice non-judgmentally observing my own thoughts, behaviours and actions, and their impact on myself and others. Thirteen years, and I’ve ONLY JUST started to lay that judgment to rest and be nicer to myself for being a silly human… not having all the answers, snapping at someone for crossing a boundary, being an asshole, talking too much at too loud a decibel with too much profanity 🙊; for blasting people with my overwhelming 'passion' and errant opinions stated with the confidence of fact 😅. I now acknowledge that I try my best at each and every opportunity to consider my impact on others so that I can modify my behaviour in the moment, thus helping others feel valued and supported.

Thirteen years it took me to stop asking “What about me?! Why can’t/aren’t others doing the same for me?! Why do I need to ‘be the bigger person’?!,” and using them as excuses to let my own shitty behaviour persist. I’ve finally lost my appetite for blame and reciprocity because what I understand is that people don’t treat me with kindness and equity because they don’t treat themselves that way, nor do they know how to stop being who they’ve always been or have been conditioned to be. They are a victim of their own wiring, just how I was until I couldn’t bear it anymore and my circuits literally broke. They don’t need my judgment, and they don’t deserve it either. All I can do is role-model the pro-social behaviours I’d want everyone to display, this is how we learn empathy, from observing and perceiving one another… our pain and struggles, and comparing them to our own realities. I will be that person, at no cost and with no expectation of generosity in return. I will show anyone I’m fortunate enough to meet what it is to be open, unassuming, accepting and whole, neither toxically positive nor habitually pessimistic, just BALANCED and willing to listen to their reality so that I can adjust my perception with fairness and compassion. I could never have accomplished this adaptation until I did the hard yards of exhausted self reflection, of facing the shadow in the mirror until I fell in love with her.

How do I know it worked? That I've healed? Learned to take care of myself and my unique needs? Well, if anyone had met me fourteen years ago, I would've projectile-vomited my pain, shame and victim stories all over them. There wouldn't have been any doubt in their mind that I had all sorts of mental issues, I wore them on my sleeve as a justification for how I lived; from one crisis to the next. No gaps between my unhinged reality and their perception of my mania. Now, while others certainly detect some eccentricities about me, people would never guess I'm internally carrying around half the DSM-5 . Ok, maybe that's naive... it's fairly obvious that I work at the warp-chaotic speed easily associated with ADHD. The people with a healthy sense of whimsy are free to join in the weird and wonderful fun. 💨💓😅

Original Publication Date 23/06/2024

The Price For Freedom

Dedicated to my sister, my Heart, and published with her permission. 🙏💖🐇  

That song, that f*$#ing song you sent me… Good god damn did it tear a hole inside me, one I’ve covered up with various things for years beyond counting. I’ve forgotten why I left or I never knew to begin with; I really can’t say. I just knew my heart couldn’t heal and my Soul couldn’t be at peace in that place. I wasn’t strong enough to stay, and I’ve never understood how you could. I’ve gone back and forth so many times in my mind, now knowing if I felt you were courageous or cowardly, lazy or tenacious. I’ve never really understood you, just accepted that you are you and I am me, and we’re both shockingly similar yet fundamentally different all at the same time. Our stories riddled with irony.

Why does this song cause me such a torrent of tears? A full-on ugly cry? Admittedly, the first verse alone made me stop it the first time I tried to listen, but recognising there was an critical lesson to learn from the writhing emotions leaving me extremely unsettled during my morning cardio and yoga routine, I came home resolved to listen to the whole thing… Sweet Jesus.

I feel my tears come from a rather bleak realisation, my first glimpse embarrassingly, into how you might be feeling… waiting for me to come home and wondering why I left; and you’re one of the three epic loves of my life to experience the jagged edges of my flighty Gypsy Spirit... I'm sure he felt that way too over the last year. Leaving the door open, willing to accommodate my particular needs and personality nuances, just to spend even a moment with me. My god, I’ve never seen it that way before, and to think I might have caused you that delicate mixture of hope and pain is ripping me apart from every angle of my being. After everything that happened to us the last thing you deserved was to be left by another person in your life… yet you let me go without so much as a word. Selflessly, you only ever wanted me to be happy. Sadly, I mistook it for apathy.

You are and have always been the one person, the one detail of my life, I never wanted to leave behind, but selfishly I knew I had to… I could never thrive there; I felt a compulsion to fly away in pursuit of god-knows-what. I wasn’t strong enough to stay. You were the one true sacrifice I made. I’ve always been thankful that you granted my freedom with such grace, because you’re the only living person that holds that level of power over me. The only person I unconditionally trust.

I left for so many reasons, some conscious, the vast majority either subconscious or down-right unconscious. Hopping around at first, not too far from the nest, until I felt the very soil under my feet burning me alive every time I thought I’d found a safe place to land. At first I assumed you understood but actually wanted me around without wanting to hold me back, over time I somehow deluded myself into thinking you were better off… if I was around all the time than I’d just annoy you until you didn’t want me around anymore anyway. I thought the trips every few years would sustain us… It wasn’t until you gifted me that song that I truly started to understand your perspective and perplexity.

🎵🔊“Don’t you find it strange that you just went ahead and carried on?”🎵🔊

I’ve asked you that question in various ways over the years, but I can’t say I’ve ever comprehended your answers which largely centered around your stubbornness. I always suspected you weren’t telling me how you really felt. And now I don’t honestly know who was strong, you for staying or me for leaving… The truth, of course, is that we both are in our own ways.

Where some develop roots, for many complicated reasons most of which are beyond my human comprehension, I grew wings; I cherish and value freedom and flight… And this is the price I’ve paid in pain up until now, it’s left me homeless without a genuine sense of belonging. Free to be anyone and live anywhere, I relive identity crisis after identity crisis, fumbling. The freedom I cling to has become a barrier as so many options lay in front of me that I am paralysed by choice, not to mention the familiar sense of not knowing what I ultimately want to do with my life. I do not now, nor have I ever, had a clear vision of what I wanted. I’ve been a blackbird lost in a storm, enjoying transient moments of calmness within the eye before recklessly throwing myself into the wall to face the next challenge head-on. I did it to survive, to fight, to feel strong… now my muscles are so heavy I grow tired easily, still with nowhere to roost that feels right.

Symbolically I’ve always known this… nearly a decade ago I had the scene inked into my skin. You perched blissfully on your comfy branch back at home, stable and stoic… me up and flying off… it never occurred to me you’d ever felt like I left you behind; miss me. How could I ever expect you to understand what I didn’t understand myself? And, for all my brainy intellect, I remain woefully ignorant despite what feels like five lifetimes of lessons and jarring human experiences crammed into less than half a typical lifespan. Ironically, you are as strong if not stronger than me through staying… But then we always shared our delight in irony.

I left to heal, I left to discover myself, I left to find happiness, to ‘feel out’ where the hell I belonged… What I’ve discovered leaves me as confused as ever. Here I sit a million miles away from where started, yet somehow right back where I began. Lost and confused, not knowing where my home is… Yes my mind, heart and Soul have changed in many ways, yet I’m living this strange exquisite Universal irony of losing her all over again, just in a different form… supporting another person with her name, feeling that familiar grief. Suddenly I get it, she used to call me her heart, drunkenly slurred but purely authentic, I was her heart… just as I’m realising that you are mine, and my home is where my heart can be found whenever I sense it's lost.

All that said, I honestly have no regrets. I’m grateful for each and every lesson this lifetime has afforded me, thankful for the resilience I’ve cultivated, and profoundly humbled by all the connections I’ve made across this Earth. More and more of late, however, I feel that true thriving is not somewhere I have to try and find, it’s following my moral compass and trusting the rest to fall into place no matter how terrifying or uncomfortable. That compass has been recalibrated many times as I evolve, reshaping the scars of my past into new mindsets and ways of being, informed equally by my rational mind, compassionate heart and my gypsy Spirit.

This song wholeheartedly touches me because in it I hear you calling me home, for the first time, and it's agonising. Though I’m finally strong enough and there is no one on this Earth I’d rather grow old with ... still I cannot go back. I may not know where I belong, I only know that it is not there. The pain my heart suffers as I listen to this song, as I think of you, is the price I pay for freedom; something my Spirit demands. But yes, my heart will always pull me towards my home, towards you... inspiring the internal friction and the next storm brews. Another opportunity to gauge my compass. 🧭🐇

Perhaps I don’t belong there because I belong everywhere else, to continue my adventures and worldly connections with as many other human Souls as possible. Regardless, thank you for sending me this song, thank you for helping me understand my own heart on a deeper level; most importantly, thank you for wholly accepting all that I am and all that I am not, sacrificing your sisterly love so I am free to fulfill my purpose. 

Original Publication Date 12 May 2024

Secrets of a Samaritan

My Sunday started off like all others, a fortified coffee (Cappuccino sachet + a heap of extra instant 😳😵) and tarot reflection, then to the gym for my beloved cardio-yoga combo. Admittedly, my latest reading left me more than a bit existentially perplexed, prompting me to re-evaluate what 'lights my inner fire' since a turbulent couple of months had me dazed and confused. I've lost my way, my sense of purpose, and I'll be the first to own that BLEAK reality. Luckily the Universe was about to present me with a great 'opportunity' to take stock and re-assess who I am, who I was and who I want to become... with the added bonus of confronting a new 'secret' identity. 😅🐇👀

As I snaked my way to the gym on the other side of town I drove past what was unmistakably an inert body laying on the sidewalk, sprawled somewhat into the road. Instead of immediately stopping to investigate, I kept driving and listened to the torrent of thoughts running through my head at break-neck speed:

• Keep driving... What if they're dead? I don't need that trauma!
• I'm sure they'll be fine... It's not that chilly... Someone else will stop.
• OMG, turn around, help them!
• Leave them to it, I can't know what state they're in or what's led them there... it's none of my business.
• What if I do help and they come-to and attack me? What if they have a weapon?
• I don't know how long it'll take if I do try and help, what if I miss my cardio time?
• Are you F*$#ING SERIOUS?! TURN AROUND AND GO HELP... AT LEAST TRY!!

I felt an extremely unpleasant mixture of thoughts, some spoken from my self-serving Asshole of a tiny human ego, interested solely in preserving myself and my own agenda... A shadow-laden voice who doubted my own inner ability to cope with whatever trauma the situation might hurl my way, and also mistrusted the unpredictable inert body that lay on the ground. Countered by my higher Self, the one developed through continual shifts in my awareness and healing work, who screamed at me, begging me to care for this poor Soul in their time of need to make sure they weren't alone and abandoned. What if it was me who needed help, for a random stranger to care for me? How many other cars had already driven past, turned a blind eye? Was I really going to ignore what I'd seen and selfishly drive on, suppress my conscious?

No, not anymore. A younger version of myself would have kept driving... has done it before I'm ashamed to admit; greedily refusing to spend my time and energy on another person. I simply am not, and can no longer be, that person anymore... So I turned around. I pulled up, knelt next to the beautiful young woman who'd obviously had a big night, still clutching her vape. It was clear she was breathing and there was nothing concerning about its rate or rhythm so I relaxed and gently tried to rouse her. When these attempts failed however, I called 111 and hailed another passing car in case I needed extra help. Luckily they didn't have the moral struggle that I had since they stopped immediately. 😂💩🤦

While talking to the 111 operator and performing the checks and preventative positioning required to keep her safe, she woke. Understandably disoriented, I did my best to keep her calm and explain how I'd found her. When I explained the ambulance was on their way as a precaution she became agitated and anxious stating she could not afford the $150 fee, she also expressed embarrassment. I felt for her and insisted on paying the fee myself to try and calm her, then chuckled as I said 'Honey, we've all done shit like this at your age... and I admire your ability to have a sleep on pavement instead of driving,' while simultaneously visualising Summer Version 1.0 either driving blind-drunk and cackling through the streets of Denver, or wandering a curvy path home for miles determinedly treking my happy-ass home after failing to tell my friends I'd left the bar... I was rather infamous for both. 🤷😅

The ambulance officers quickly understood that she was ok and said she'd only be charged a fee if they took her home, so I asked her if she was comfortable with getting a ride home with me instead. She gratefully agreed and I carefully helped her into my car... Suddenly that little prick of a voice returned in my ear:

• Sure, she seems ok now, but what if she spazes out suddenly?!
• Is she being honest about where she lives? What if it's a trap!
• She might grab the wheel, threaten me, steal the car and/or hurt me...
  

I'll be damned if our heads aren't full of survival/threat-saturated BULLSHIT🐮... I get it, that selfish voice is trying to protect me, keep me alive and out of danger... but I'm not listening. This experience has helped me re-align my moral compass and who I funadmentally am now, closer to (but not yet) the person I want to become. Despite the risk, I will trust others and do what I can to serve them. To do that a sense of security and safety must live and thrive inside me. My moral compass will go skew-whiff otherwise, as it has done for the last couple of months... Survival mode took hold of me without me realising it. 👈😳

We spoke of many things on our way to her house, but the prevailing sentiment I'll treasure is knowing that the only thing that matters, now and always, in New Zealand and all across the World, is that we look after each other; care for one another. I felt no judgment towards her, did not wonder what decisions led her to that concrete bed, I was simply relieved that she was alive and could continue sharing her light with loved ones and grow into a healthy adult made wiser from lifes' experiences. She hesitated before getting out of the car, leaned over to hug me, and my heart filled with joy and gratitude. 

I've always assumed that I was too honest to be a kind person... perhaps I'm wrong, here is an opportunity for me to observe and disqualify that limiting belief. I listened to the right voice, I cared for her and preserving her life more than I worried for my own. What's more, I didn't know it was a sweet young woman on the pavement; I would have helped anyone, no matter what state they were in because that's who I want to be dammit. I thanked the Universe for this fateful reconnection with what drives me and 'lights my inner flame'... serving and empowering others. 💞🔥

This was a reminder that I can not do that unless I challenge my innate narcissistic demons and PAUSE long enough to realise the glorious IRONY at play; this life may seem superficially 'about me,' but its actually overwhelmingly, laughably, NOT ABOUT ME. My impact on this earth will be through others, and my ability to motivate them to reach their full potential via their own moral compass (instead of getting bogged down in the rat-race groundhog day of threat-based reactivity). I love, beyond reason, the weird and wonderful humans of this Earth (myself included 😂). My passion lies in expanding awareness of my own thoughts, feelings and bevhaviours so that I can role model and influence others in a meaningful empathy-based way, show them what hidden gems may be uncovered when we break free of our self-defeating cycles and know ourselves on deeper and deeper levels. Our greatest and most powerful choice perhaps, lies in deciding which inner voice to act upon. 💖🙏🐇

Right... there's my typical soap-box conclusion out of the way... 😂😅👌

Now for my secret, one my heart buried so deep it eluded me for fifteen blissfully-ignorant months. I suspect what happened with this girl unsurfaced a false assumption I've been making about someone else... my husband, actually... that it's 'easy' to do the right thing, and any resentments and/or disgust I held against him for doing otherwise was a just choice. Now, I know it's simply not that simple... We are both 'Good People,' shadows and all. 😔🤦

Without all the gory details... I am now a widow. Though my husband and I separated over a year ago, we were still married and I was contacted as his next of kin. It's been a hair-raising emotional rollercoaster, but here's where I've unexpectedly landed... I FEEL more like a widow than an ex-wife, and it's taken copious amounts of vulnerability-based strength to admit this to myself, and now to everyone willing to read these words. Grappling with the fear of expressing this intimate insight of widow-dom, of potentially owning a powerful and terrifying truth that I could never expect anyone else to understand, least of all because I hardly understand it myself. Still worse, being a widow runs the danger of evoking something I loathe more than anything else... sympathy. I am no victim, there is no 'real' blame, I left for the right reasons, guilt be damned, but though I physically and mentally left my marriage... my heart stayed behind, stayed loyal to him, and always would have; I never once over that period felt an authentic intention to move on or pursue another romantic relationship. 💔💩

What I might have never realised without his sudden death was the painful fact that my heart intended to return one day after he'd had time to fully consider his fallible actions... Oh how the Heart doth deceive. Only now do I miss him more than I can bare to face, feeling hopeless to ever again find someone so loving, encouraging and accepting, regardless of his complicated and objectively deviant history. I'm sad, frightened, and only now has the loneliness caught up with me... Who the hell will love me now, riddled with 'eccentricities' as I am (difficult as it is to label them as mental illness(es)... whoever came up with that term should be tarred and feathered 😕😡🐔)?! 

But the Universe saw fit to help me move on and grieve in only the way the Universe can, by completely removing the 'go-back' option... and on the whole, I am grateful. Gratitude is my one empowering option. Sometimes we need that wake-up call (literally and figuratively 😅📞), forced yet loving 'assistance' with stepping onto the next lesson and given a chance for closure from the one that came before. Along this adventure, I've accepted that I am here to humbly serve and genuinely trust the Universe as best as my current state of evolution allows. I endeavour to find peace in the sobering realisation that I can not always understand 'The Why.' 🙏🐇

In honour of my late husband, biggest supporter and best friend. Thank you for four of the best years of my life, filled with laughter, joy, surprises and growth. Thank you for reminding me that We (meaning all humans) are neither monsters nor saints (whether by self-identification or the perception of others, in either case!👿😵😇💫)... Humans are best served by authentic curiousity, compassion and understanding, instead of implacable judgment.

Original Publication Date 28 April 2024

Surrendered to Shadow

Events at play in my personal life have put my 2012 definition of a 'Good Person' back in my face to confront those thoughts in a decidedly BLEAK  way... and I must admit it's enough to test even my persistence of positivity... 😅🐇🕳🤔

Though still aligned to the definition, some people tragically lose the internal battle between their light and their shadow, so 'what they've got' appears to be sweet f*&#-all. 🤷‍♀️😳 And when that person is or has been very close to us, the sadness we feel is enough to sink us... watching them self destruct is an indescribable pain. Their light, their potential, first dims, then finally flickers out. 😢

Such a harsh truth... some people either lack the mental capacity, emotional fortitude and/or Spiritual will to heal. They succumb to their shadow(s) and become the ultimate A-sshole. They are no longer safe, neither for themselves nor others. 💔

Aside from who I have in mind at present, my sister was also one such person; which is why I maintain that these people - though lost in shadow - are still inherently good people... I don't know what will happen to this particular unfortunate soul (aka my husband), but I know what happened to Amanda and I can only hope that the lesson can be learnt and the inner light found in another lifetime.🌈🙏

[UPDATE: Re-reading that last sentence truly creeps me out in hindsight... because, good god, he died too... exactly one month after I wrote this article; my widowhood eluded to here.💔😵😧]

For me, here's the silver lining: Learn from these Good People in Disguise, the ones who cannot or will not escape their darkness... move towards the light, BE THE LIGHT. 💖💞

Avoid blame, take ownership, engage in consistent and deliberate self reflection, challenge judgments and assumptions. Find the light of compassion, of empathy, of authentic self awareness, and use that light to create healthy boundaries with our shadows so they have their proper place within us rather than taking total control. BALANCED & WHOLE.

We all need to be able to downshift into the shadowy asshole space every now and then, set healthy boundaries to protect our values and our worth; but damn that internal boundary needs to be laid first! 👀👈

How we use / abuse our light and dark may just be the most crucial choice we make in this life. 🐇

What makes you a Good Person?

What shadows prevent you from being a Good Person from time to time? How do you know?

How can you engage your shadows in a healthy way? 

Original Publication Date 25 February 2024

Page of Cups

TRIGGER WARNING: This post touches on aspects of my Disordered Eating and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Please proceed with kindness and compassion for everyone's sake. 

The Page of Cups rarely comes to me in its upright position! Being well versed in the reversed meaning... deep underlying trauma and the need to heal so as to avoid projectile vomiting my own bullshit onto everyone else like a total asshole. I can only suppose that the 'work' I've done over the years has started to bear fruit. In one word, I feel POTENTIAL. The image is one of celebration, heartfelt admiration for the richness that emotions bring to our lives. Indeed, we can be prisoners to them or liberated by them... it's our choice.

To be honest, I needed this card this morning, as I sit with a sated shadow full of chips, chocolates and guilt from last night's binge. I just wanted all the trigger food in this house gone once and for good. A twisted act of deliverance, perhaps... I actually tossed out some of the chips and kept about three chocolates for later, so I did show some restraint... which I choose to be proud of dammit! I also TRUST myself and my body to rebalance... and there's the fact that if I gain a bit of weight, so f*&#ing what?! And just in those sentiments, I see the reinforced importance of choosing to align with the healthier thoughts rather than the dysfunctional thoughts...

For me, this card is about healthy choices, choosing to 1) identify and 2) celebrate the emotions that serve me well instead of dwelling on the negatives, disappointments, fear, worry, etc. It's a choice, and it's a f*&#ing hard one to be sure! But thankfully I've practiced making that choice enough for this card to arrive to me upright, which I certainly take as a win! I could wallow in self pity, beat myself up, be paranoid that fat will suddenly reappear all over my body, succumb to the fear that I'll never find my way out of this wretched eating disorder ... or I could accept I ate that food for a reason and rejoice that it's all gone (even if that reason was fuelled by compulsive thoughts). 

What enables me to focus on the healthier emotional choice of empowerment over punishment is understanding that having OCD that manifests itself as disordered eating doesn't make me less of a person or less worthy of love. It doesn't subtract from who I really am, it's just a characteristic that I have to try and manage from time to time, and continue to heal (and at this point, if I'm taking my own advice, I may - again - need professional help)... Even still, the scar may be permanent and may never go away, and the real test of my compassionate fortitude will be persisting in loving myself regardless, maintain radical self responsibility and esteem. There's also the fact that I'm positively f*&#ing sick of being mean to myself and I simply refuse to beat myself up anymore... 30+ years of data clearly demonstrates that it doesn't work!

The true meaning of this card in its upright position is 'a reminder that we can return to our natural state of innocence, playfulness and openness'... like a child before conditioning takes hold. Can I return to my pre-disordered eating state? Or, dare I ask, a state before neglect repeatedly broke my heart... leading to the slippery slope of self-abuse and mental ailments that abuse created? This card reminds me I've done a f*&# of a lot of excellent work already and I'm well aware of what's still to be done. In the meantime... I'm a good person with a good heart, good intentions, and raw determination... So I know I'll get there if it's what I genuinely desire; I can and will achieve whatever I set myself to, and that just might be the very definition of self-security.

Original Publication Date 04 February 2024