Treacherous Triggers

A seemingly 'ordinary' coaching session threw me down a massive rabbit hole... 🕳🐇

I listened to my coachee with growing unease as they described a situation where they decided not to take an action they had agreed to during our previous coaching conversation, an action I believed was needed to address the otherwise vicious cycle they were on in their work situation. Ugh, how could I get them to see the error of their ways?! What question could I ask? I felt the fidgets come upon me, the pull of personal opinion, assumption, bias, judgment and all the other barriers to being a good coach. So I breathed, focused and LISTENED as they explained their underlying intentions and motivations. Sweet jesus, it was then I realised I had very nearly fell into the dangerous trap of influencing them to commit to an action I would have taken to address the issue… a way to ease my personal fidgets and triggers; something that wouldn’t allow them the autonomy they deserved, to address the issue in accordance with their values, to govern and own their decisions in a truly authentic way. There was a critical false premise in my fallible brain, a misperception... My coachee was not avoiding the situation, instead they sussed out an even better way around it, one that was far more worth their efforts and energy. 

It was at this point I took an existential moment to feast upon a piece of humble pie... considering myself an exceptional coach as I did... Yikes, this trigger could have subconsciously and recklessly shot my Higher Self's ambitions right in the f*%#ing foot! Those ambitions being to empower and coach others, build their confidence and sense of self-security 💪💖. This is especially true given The International Coaching Federation's (ICF) core competency for coaches.... 😅😳🍰

Despite my heartfelt good intentions, I would have inadvertently galvanised them to waste more of their precious energy because I wanted them to be free of the chains of their situation. I very nearly willfully misunderstood what my coachee was trying to accomplish. I barely escaped the detrimental coaching trap of force-feeding my coachee a pre-determined solution because their lack of action had triggered me: Avoidance, failing to face situations head-on... Yes, I can feel the Snakes wiggling even now... this is one of my triggers 🐍🥳. Why? Because if I had continued to avoid my own issues and bullshit I wouldn't have evolved into the person I am today. And, full disclosure, my husband's inability to do the same is why we're now divorced...💣💥💩

Back to the session... A re-alignment was in order! So I backtracked, apologised for my coaching mindset slip-up, and praised my coachee for doing what they felt was best to do, not what I felt was best, despite their previous commitment to action and observable nervousness that I would disapprove (as if my subjective and horrifically flawed opinions matter 😂🤷). Thankfully, I overcame my own trigger well enough to LISTEN to their new solution, which was indeed a much wiser investment of their energy, aligned to their family-oriented values. 💖

I value FREEDOM, and I'll fight like hell against perceived chains... whether they're placed around me by my own mind or by others. For me, avoidance is deliberately allowing those chains to persist and prevent us from reaching our true potential; an enigmatic form of self-sabotage. I can't suffer it! Can't even contemplate it! 😡🙉 And so, Houdini has nothing on me, when I sense avoidance I plow ahead and urge others to do the same. Consequences be damned, I'll loosen those chains come hell or high water, and save others from their own to-boot! I've operated this way for so long I've forgotten: 1) That's not how everyone else approaches life, and 2) This mode of being has not always served me well! 😏⛓💥👎

And yes, I'll indulge in another slice of that humble pie thank you, as my coachee's new approach also confrontingly pointed out how much of my own energy I waste fighting against the perceived chains of injustice instead of setting a higher ambition, and by-so-doing rising above the situation. This was an elegant display of my coachee transitioning from a survival mindset (my preferred mode, and aforementioned 'Houdini Syndrome') to a thriving mindset (a mode I aspire to operate from each and every day. I reckon I'm at about 68:32 Surviving:Thriving... a significant improvement from even five years ago!) 🏆

I’m so grateful that my well-practiced introspective consciousness voiced a gentle ‘ahem…’ and helped me realise what I’d almost done. Irony of ironies, I come to the mind-bending conclusion that serving myself, trying to address my underlying triggers by preventing them from being re-lived through the experiences of others, inhibits my ability to serve my larger purpose… To coach and empower others, enable them to ignite their inner light and use it to explore the scary depths of their iceberg, ameliorate their potential by expanding their self awareness and their impact on others, understand the direction of their moral compass and live true to their value, take ownership of their decisions, actions and outcomes, buffer themselves against the human logical fallacy of failure. There is no failure, only feedback! 🤯💡

Whoops, sorry, pardon me while I step off my soap box... 😂🙄 More succinctly, I found that serving my ‘Human Ego’ doesn’t serve my ‘Higher Self,’ the one aligned to focusing on and helping others, rather than getting bogged down in my own bullshit (which helps no one, least of all myself). 🐮🤠💩👌

It pays to highlight an important aspect of our triggers, they are based on our beliefs and values which are NOT what other people necessarily believe or value. When our entrenched ideals are tread upon by others, whether based in actual reality or our perception of a violation, the Snakes writhe as adrenaline is dumped into our bloodstream and we'll either fight, fly away or freeze in response. These beliefs and values originate from the mind-numbing amalgamation of our innate personality (i.e. the characteristics we are born with), our familial, societal and cultural conditioning, and our unique life experiences (NOTE: A younger version of myself referred to this as our FUF (F*^#ed-Up-Filter 😅). Still more fascinating is that the majority of our principles remain in our sub- or un-conscious, which is how we get triggered without understanding the 'WHY.' We re-act without considering how best to act. We are icebergs, strangers to ourselves... until we do the work. 🔧👷💞🩹

This is why I advocate so strongly for PAUSING when we notice these reactions, feel the heat generated by squirming snakes and adrenaline in our veins. Taking the chance to get curious about what lies within is the key to our inner Selves, it unlocks opportunities to improve our mindsets and elevates our emotional intelligence. Effectively, we'll melt some of the arctic ice, and tend to be less of an asshole in the process. 👍🙏😅🐇

What are your triggers? When do the Snakes kick up a stink?

What are your core values? 

What is your personal purpose?

What mindsets do you hold that serve you well? Which do not serve you well, and how might you shift them to benefit yourself and your loved ones?

Original Publication Date 10 December 2023

Fundamental Feedback

I returned home from a business trip once to find my car parked in a different spot. Drawing the logical conclusion that my neighbour (who’s land my car and caravan/house is parked upon) must have moved it to mow the lawns. Since they were outside setting fence posts at that time, I sauntered over for a yarn and asked them how they liked driving my new wheels… a newly minted and very sexy Mitsubishi Eclipse Cross PHEV named ‘Phe’ (short for Phoenix) in diamond red. Unexpectedly the response to my benign query was a string of curses, and I laughed heartily listening to the frustrated tale that eventually emerged through the profanities... colourfully describing their attempt to move 'the damned thing' since the electric engine is completely silent and they couldn’t tell if it was on or not. 😂👂👎😂

I've loved few things as much as I love Phe... 💖

The giggling continued as I hopped into my beautiful Phe-Phe to move her back into her normal plug in posi on the other side of the caravan, named ‘Nix’ in case anyone is curious (yes, also short for Phoenix... I love a theme 🐦). I got the immediate and distinct ‘sense’ that she had certainly not been started up, moved, and/or re-parked in anything resembling the correct sequence. And full disclosure, by ‘sense’ I mean Phe ‘told’ me in a very playful and comical way because, I am not now, nor have I ever been, normal… Cars have always ‘talked’ to me; a fact I know but am otherwise unable to convince my logically skeptical brain to believe (...elucidated a bit further below 👌). There was objective evidence accompanying this sense as well, the brake pedal was harder than normal to depress and the steering wheel was locked… Still chuckling, I delighted in my neighbour’s frustration and pondered, in my esoteric way, why had they gotten so riled up? 🐇🤔

The next morning on the row machine it came to me, as so many epiphanies do… FEEDBACK! My neighbour is a professional agriculture machinery engineer, literally traveling the World to design, create and drive heavy ag equipment, it naturally follows that... 

1. They’re used to loud diesel motors that immediately give them direct feedback that they are running and ready to go. 
2. They’re extremely adept at fixing complex motor issues, and this lack of feedback must have provoked the pain of ineptitude… without the sound of an engine, they were now in unchartered territories, having to learn something new on the fly.

No Noise/Sound = No Feedback = Confusion, Frustration and Other Icky Emotions

In a flash this seemingly trivial occurence reaffirmed what has been true during my own adventure, as well as being a main topic of conversations in my role as a leadership development and high performance facilitator… feedback is essential for performance and improvement, and it comes in many forms from blatantly obvious to extremely sneaky and subtle (i.e. diesel motor versus electric motor).

The rhythmic rowing guided my introspective reflections on how my version of the electric motor issue manifests in my life, and it didn’t take long for the answer to arrive… online facilitation! When I facilitate workshops in person I’m damn-near unshakable, I can deal with all manner of weird and wonderful disturbances… late or absent participants (both physically and mentally), tech issues, extremely unexpected or challenging shifts in the conversation, or disruptive behaviours; I’m a confident verbal and non-verbal communicator. I pride myself on my adaptability and the ease with which I can seamlessly and inconspicuously course correct. Yet that tenacity flies out the virtual window as soon as I switch over to an online format. Since we learn by reflecting and not by doing, the reason underpinning this discrepancy elucidated me until I considered my neighbours conundrum and compared it to my own… I, like my neighbour, wasn’t getting the FEEDBACK I was used to receiving from a room full of warm bodies... feedback I required to feel fully competent and resilient. 💡💥

As someone who identifies as an Empath, I’m alive with the vibes in the room and getting constant verbal and non-verbal feedback; a shift, a sigh, eyes narrowed in concentration, a cheeky smile, nods, a lean in with mouth agape cuing me that someone has something to say, or a slouch down in avoidance… it’s all happening simultaneously and its all feedback, I just ‘read’ it faster than my conscious mind can process so I hadn’t been perceiving it that way. Compare that to the virtual vacuum of online calls and I’m literally flying blind. To compensate and get the feedback I need I have to focus on each video individually instead of reading the entire room at once, I must ask more questions to draw out verbal feedback that I would typically get without words, and listen carefully for their tone as well. It’s maddening, and it takes a lot more energy. My capacity to handle setbacks is of course eroded, I literally have less energy to spend troubleshooting and it takes longer to do so... Maddening I say! 

A Note About Whimsical Non-Auditory Bio-Feedback
For those who are uncomfortable with the spiritual aspects of the noun Empath, know that one half of my brain empathises (hehe! 😅)… My scientific and naturally skeptical brain hemisphere spent much of my youth demanding the opposite hemisphere experiencing the emotions of others was downright crazy. This was one of the main contributors to my constant anxiety. There’s nothing like a ceaseless internal battle between cognitive hemispheres do drive inner turmoil and self doubt! 💩😳

The good news for all of us is that there is a perfectly rational explanation! As humans I think we often forget that WE ARE ANIMALS, and the science is clear… animals communicate non-verbally. Whether it’s a dog partaking in a nose-to-bum ‘meet and greet,’ an army of ants following that curiously straight-lined pheromone-guided path home, the mischievous look a cat dons right before it pushes something off a countertop, or two Homo habilis having a perfectly loving and functional relationship without the perceived ‘benefits’ of language; we communicate non-verbally far more than we do verbally. The difference is that instead of relying on words, we ‘hear’ with our eyes, our nose, our touch and even through all manner of crazy ass receptors covering our body that detect shit we can’t see... Hell, the sun doesn't need to scream 'GOOD MORNING' for us to wake at dawn as photons begin to tickle our eyelids (at least that's what would happen if we didn't elect to have our phones bellow ringtones at us 🔊). 

So, am I 'hearing' my car bad-mouth my neighbour, ‘feeling’ someone else’s emotions, and 'reading' someone's energy through an enigmatic spiritual magic? Or am I downloading my car's objective data faster than my brain can comprehend, and detecting some sort of invisible chemical emitted by a person's body and combining that with their posture and breathing rate? I have no clue… but remaining OPEN to all possibilities is how I keep my hemispheres balanced and maintain the peace between all my intelligence centres.

What feedback is someone or something trying to give you?

What ‘noisy’ feedback might you need to give when your ‘silent’ feedback isn’t working?

What is the difference between being an Empath, versus someone experiencing Empathy, versus someone who DISPLAYS Empathy (but may not actually feel it)?

Original Publication Date 12 November 2023

Wonderful Whimsy

What to do when I’m keen to write something, anything really, to cultivate and reinforce my habit of creative expression through writing and sate my passion for drip-feeding inane introspective perspectives to my wee beloved audience [sometimes just me 🙋‍♀️], but grossly underestimate the amount of time I realistically need to publish a new fully fleshed out article? I indulge in whimsy! Go down a rabbit hole that seemingly sprang out of nowhere, and what's more whimsical than that?!🐇📚

I have sooo many compositions in my Heart and Head, a backlog I lovingly and longingly refer to as 'the graveyard' that's accumulated over the last 6-7 years. I always start my weekend thinking… ‘Yes, this is the weekend to finally get to [INSERT TITLE], I can certainly smash that out in one weekend!’... then I realise these works take time and effort, and that I have the attention span of a butterfly on LSD, and I’m also prone to distracting myself with menial tasks instead of down-shifting into my creative space… Why one may ask? It’s either my brain trying to conserve the energy it takes me to create because that type of thinking doesn’t come naturally to me (i.e. What Agatha refers to as ‘laziness’ in her quote), or I’m a self-sabotaging masochist… it’s quite difficult to tell which at times; I reckon the ratio changes on any given weekend and that ratio is also impacted with how much cheesecake I’ve over-indulged in, which in turn effects my energy levels… Ah, we’re such complex animals us humans! 😅🤷‍♀️

All that to say my innovative solution to this existential conundrum today is succumbing to whimsy, a decidedly odd memory that randomly sprang to the forefront of my mind the other day that made me giggle. I love the friggin' word whimsy, just look at it, it's adorable! 😇🥰 Also, as my readers may well guess... no word in any of my posts is chosen lightly, each one is deliberate. Just read the definition... Not only is 'Wonderful Whimsy' delightfully alliterative, but good-god if this isn't a bit of me! Small suprise that curiousity got the better of me and my fingers started tapping out something completely unexpected and not at all what I had intended to write! 😅🐇🙏💖🎯

... a the definition for Capricious, because I honestly didn't know what that meant... 👀👈

The nature of  this particular 'Whim' originated from a sparked memory. 💥🧠 Being the Halloween-Spooky time of the year, the Unexpected Elements podcast I frequent mentioned Cryptids, and hinted that they may well have found their origins in passive aggressive parenting deterrent tactics to keep their kids well-away from unsafe practices... 

Suddenly there I was... about 11 years old... hoofing it along a long stretch of the country road I grew up on, Dog Hill Road, walking the two miles to my friends’ house. Just before climbing the final hill to my bestie's place I traverse a very flat stretch of land flanked by marshy wetlands. I quicken my pace as my heart begins to pound and I feel afraid… hoping like hell to avoid the swamp monster my Mother insisted inhabited this area… a swamp monster who nabbed little girls stupid enough to strike out on their own. 😉

As an adult hard on the heels on my fourth decade I pause now to consider why I took the chance despite that fear. I was quite gullible and I do remember thinking there was an appreciable chance this monster would indeed abduct me, yet I was quite determined nonetheless… Here’s what immediately comes to mind without over-analysing it...

• I was quite the little dissident, I didn’t like being told where and where-not to go 🖕
• I was at least 36% certain the swamp monster wasn’t an actual threat... I realise it sounds horrible, but thanks to my childhood obesity I always felt a bit protected from being an easy target (something I confrontingly discerned much later... like last year... lay at the root cause of said girth)  😳
• Mostly, and perhaps most importantly, I wanted to see my friend and spend time with her despite the risk… otherwise I’d be on my own all day long 👭💞

Now I realise what this seemingly inconsequential anecdote tells me about my inner values, and they’re true to form to this very day. I take risks to protect my sense of independence and prioritise my relationships. As a classically trained scientist, I also value data and each time I took that risk and walked that stretch of road without being sucked into the swamp by an elusive beast, I had more evidence that the risk wasn’t real... Holy shit, until I wrote that I didn't fully realise that my admiration for experimentation and the accumulation of resulting data manifested so young, possibly foretelling future career choices. 🤓🧪

What profound insights are your stories and prevailing memories telling you? 🐇💡

Original Publication Date 05 November 2023

Death of a Sister, Birth of a Faith

Despite my OCD's insistence that I keep a clinically tidy and militantly organised inbox, these words have persisted for three years; most of the time it's the only one there at all. I could never bring myself to delete it or even file it away, afraid it might get lost or forgotten along with the plethora of other musings and article ideas I jot down when creativity strikes. I read the words almost everyday, two other anniversaries have past, but I just never knew what to do with them. Admittedly, I shy away from writing shit like this Sis, because after all we'd gone through in child- and young-adult hood, I fought... fought so hard to rise above it all, to become something more. I reject and resent all forms of sympathy and pity towards the circumstances of my life, your passing prime among them. I love you, and I miss you... I always will. I understand people mean well, but I'm so wholly at peace with what happened that pity seems like an insult to be honest. 

Amanda, Summer and Sarah - The Lennox Girls 💞

Your death shaped me Amanda, in so many weird, wonderful and phenomenally unexpected ways. I've written to you before, yet as more years go by I continue to think and feel about you. Your death was a major milestone in my life and I'm so grateful. It taught me the true meaning of strength, of freedom, of choice, of the power in expanding our self-awareness and owning our inner shadows, of why it's critical to heal and do what I need to do to keep myself healthy and balanced instead of giving into human temptations, whether they be chemical or cognitive! 🐇⚡

Your death served to fortify my relationship with whatever divine energy rules this chaotic World... because after 17 years the one thing I'm certain of is that you are where you're meant to be and there are no 'what if's left in me to regret. It's a place of holistic peace, one I couldn't have achieved without the lesson your passing offered. I do not believe in 'it shouldn't have happened that way' or spend time thinking about the ways I might have helped you, or saved you from yourself. I KNOW that you learned what you came here to learn, that everything happened precisely as it should... because that's the way it DID happen, and I trust in nothing and no one as I TRUST in the Universe. Coming to this point of fundamental trust has been an adventure that started the day I received the fateful call from Mom. Time, tears, and tracheal tearings abound, energy well spent. 

My spirituality makes me a bit of an outlier however, a human conundrum, which is why I typically keep it to myself. Now when others return to their spirit form, while I grieve who they were on this Earth, I also feel absolutely stoked for them as Spirits. They graduated from this 'University for Spiritual Development' we know as life and get to move onto their next lesson, I see it as a reason to celebrate. At best this ethos confuses people and exposes me as a weirdo, and at worst it offends people because it likely grates against their own beliefs and sense of Earthly justice. While I understand their perspectives in both instances, it won't sway my own... I'm fine with being an outlier, maybe you helped me with that as well. 🙏💖 

Your death is the one data point from which my entire spiritual foundation was formed, the one belief I can comfortably hold without my usual application of rigorous scientific and skeptical analysis. Why? It just feels right, settles my Spirit, calms my Body and Mind in ways I've never felt before... after decades of self-inflicted torture, it's the much needed balm of utter acceptance. It's FAITH. Could I be wrong? Could you just be bone bits now? Worm food? Perhaps in heaven or hell? Maybe... I do-not and can-not 'factually' know, but nor does that concern me. I hold my faith, one inspired by you, because it grounds me in a Body sodden with security and safety; engulfed within a mindset of gratitude. I'd sure as shit advise anyone else to do the same since I profoundly believe it makes us more conscious, conscientious and compassionate humans (unless, of course, that so-called 'faith' drives murderous, deranged, inequitable and/or paranoid behaviours... because that's not true faith, that's conditioned radicalised extremism 👀😅).

So, pity assigned by Self of others be damned, no one knew the bittersweet emotions tied to being your Sister, your heart... that's what you called me. This isn't for me, perhaps for the first time I'm writing this for you, because for some unnamable faith-based reason I feel like you need it. Be at rest knowing those you loved won't hold you here because they can't or won't liberate themselves from your death; be brave enough to saturate in the grief of loving you without fear so you can move on. Like the other day, when I said to someone with tears streaming down my face, "She was an absolute shit show, but she was MY shit show." 💖💩

Best of all, I laugh knowing that if you sat beside me now and read these words you'd say "The only sentence in this whole f#%! thing that made any sense was the last one... Are you f*$@ing high?!" 😂

Original Publication Date 14 October 2023

The Ironical Asshole

Esoteric Hypothesis: If we were assholes more, than we'd be Assholes less.

Firstly, I've googled, ironical is in fact a word... 🤓

I've mentioned my zeal for ecstatic Irony many times in many articles, and will continue to do so since the biggest mind-blowing 'mother-of-all-ironies' I've yet to articulate in writing, but for now please bear-with as we explore the logic underlying this particularly delightful rabbit hole. 🐇🐇

My theory relies on the premise that if we can learn to OWN our inner 'Asshole,' our 'shadow' self, our 'dark' self, our 'worst' self, our 'lower' self, or however we like to identify/name that part of our psyche that thinks, emotes and acts in not-so-kind ways and is indeed quite a little prick, then allowing ourselves to be assholes when it's appropriate we'd counter-intuitively be less 'Asshole-ly' in our day-to-day lives.  And yes, the 'when it's appropriate' barometer will require some trial and error to fine tune. At the very least we need to understand it's a grey area where the spectral centre point will differ from person to person. For example, I continually need to pause to consider whether it's best to 'ease-up because we're all human and life ain't easy for anyone' vs. 'let 'em have it you magnificent velvet sledgehammer because they need a friggin' wake up call!' 🖁😅

The mega-Asshole comes out when we continually ignore or completely suppress the smaller, gentler, less terrifying asshole who arrives whenever someone or something has tread upon one of our values, beliefs or boundaries. Instead of honouring that knowing and speaking our truth, we tell ourselves 'No! Go Away! I can't be an asshole right now because...'

• People won't like me...
• I'll upset or hurt someone...
• I'll get in trouble or there will be negative consequences...
• I'm afraid of conflict...
• [Insert any number of other reasons we suppress our wriggly little anger snakes 🐍👿] 

We deny ourselves the right to be a bit of an asshole to make our boundaries visible to others, to protect our values and beliefs or trust our intuitive senses. Over time, once we've done this enough the assholes build up, form an army of ferocity, become the Asshole. Then, at the worst or perhaps most inopportune time, KAPLOW, out the Asshole pops like an over-wound Jack-in-the-Box to inspire fear in the hearts of the poor SOB on the recieving end... to surprise and shock us all, including ourselves! 💣😨

Embarrassment and shame often ensue as a result of these explosions, damage control and apologies are required, which unfortunately only serves to reinforce the false beliefs that we must dampen or hide our assholes. This is how the cycle perpetuates itself, and will continue to do so until we consciously intervene by working out when and where it's appropriate to be an asshole, and the volume to which we should allow the asshole to speak up. 🗣

I'd argue allowing ourselves to be assholes for the right reasons (ethically and morally), at the right time, and to the right people, are all critical elements of establishing self worth and maintaining self care to keep our psyche whole, healthy and well balanced. The crux is that we rarely trust ourselves to know when it's the right time and place, we err on the side of caution, may feel the urge but ignore it for too long and miss the opportunity or chicken out, afraid to ruffle feathers. 🐔 

I certainly don't have anyone else's solution to this dilemma, toeing and experimenting with that line is an important and profoundly personal part of the self-discovery process. But as I've practised myself and figured out 'Yes, that was ok... uncomfortable, but ok,' or 'Whoops! that was a bit too much...quick, dial back, dial back!', neither scenario is as bad as either blasting someone with 2-years of suppressed grievances or maiming our internal relationship by failing to express our feelings . Still more sad is the loss of relationships with others over time... relationships that could have been preserved or even strengthened with some difficult yet honest feedback facilitated by our inner asshole. 💔

So no, I don't have any hard-and-fast solution to offer, but I can lay forth some of the complex elements at play to consider, followed by an example of this theory in action in my own life for context and amusement. 😅

• The Situation: I tend to assume positive intent and try not to feel threatened by the opinions of others, but damn is it hard sometimes! First gauge the black, white and grey areas of the situation and ask for others perspectives and any clarifications first. If we're still pissed, show some passion and voice some truth. 🧨🔥
• The People Involved: Is it worth spending the mental and emotional energy? Will it build or protect an important relationship? If not, it may be best to vent to a trusted friend or family member about the situation and see how we feel afterward. If there's still a bee in our bonnet, proceed will showing the person a bit of the asshole. 😉😎
• The Timing: Is it safe for the asshole to engage right away or do we perhaps need to wait to have a private word? Are emotions running high? If so, best to calm down first but do take note of the specifics of the situation as these will be important later, and help give our assholes credibility.
• Our Ability to LISTEN: Beware of confirmation bias and other subconscious biases that may result in us hearing what we want to hear instead of actually listening. It's only fair that we listen to understand the other people's perspective. That's what we would expect! ⚖
• Our Mental and Emotional State: Are we well and feeling like our normal resilient selves or has something else knocked us off our typical balance-point like lack of sleep or failing to do that day's Wordle? Stress will shift our energy into a higher state where our inner Asshole is much easier to provoke, and we'd do well to take a look at those elements before engaging. Abide by the 3 Assholes Rule: If we come across 3 or more assholes in a day, we are the Asshole... Cool it. ❅💩❄🐇

In order to maintain professionalism I won't give the particulars of my example, when I let my Asshole flag fly; but to summarise someone I'm in a program with insinuated they don't see caring for people at work as their priority. Or at least that was my perception/interpretation of what they were saying. I didn't go off the handle straight away, especially since I was meant to only be an observer of the conversation, but it became increasingly clear to me that my perception couldn't be too far off the mark, the exact words being "I don't come to work to make friends..." 😠 The mere thought of this leader holding such an outdated ideal when I firmly believe caring for people will drive productivity and undefinable value in our business left my inner asshole jumping up and down like someone trying to set a new world record in Skip Rope. After careful consideration of the potential impacts of doing so I unleashed, allowed my asshole to speak her truth... After causing a rather awkward moment in the conversation I decided it was best that I step away from the meeting to calm myself, fearing that if I didn't my Asshole would emerge. Thanks to the others on the call the damage control was minimal, I offered apologies for interrupting the conversation and becoming reactive (but NOT for expressing my leadership values). 🏆

I consider this an apt example because the ratio between asshole and Asshole was about 86:14, the boundary wasn't clear and hardly ever is. Was this the right thing for me to do? For me yes, because my value in caring for people as their manager outweighs any guilt I felt at having a go at this person. I have no regret for saying what I said, giving my asshole permission to let everyone know how much I believe in role-modeling authentic leadership. Personally, that's my temperature gauge. If I can look myself in the mirror and honestly say 'I have no apology to offer,' if that's how I truly feel deep down in my heart and gut, then I'm good to go! Potential tears by either party be damned, sometimes we have harsh truths to deliver. 🏃👀 Ahem, and sometimes we need to receive harsh truths ourselves... 👂👈

The asshole is typically manageable for all parties involved on both sides of the situation, and there is rarely a major impact on relationships with a solid foundation of trust. In fact, down-shifting into asshole-mode, showing that we care enough to be honest and lean into an otherwise uncomfortable conversation to seek understanding, builds far more relationships than it erodes. The Asshole, however, creates havoc, sometimes damaging others as well as Self if guilt and regret well-up. In this way our asshole becomes an important archetype and identity, a strength not a weakness or something to fear. When we tactfully deploy the asshole, we speak our truth and display vulnerability rather than deny that voice and ignore our moral compass. Hopefully then, we can become more compassionate to others when we're on the recieving end of their asshole, offer them the grace of human understanding and relate to how they must be feeling, instead of feeling pissy and defensive. 💞🐇

Lastly, it's important to remember, re-iterate and internally re-enforce that other people's reactions and emotions are not our responsibility. And to be fair, on the flip-side, our reactions and emotions belong to us and us alone, but from time to time we need the other's perspective and support in elucidating the nature of our triggers. Again, assuming positive intent can cut out a lot of the noise in that regard. Consider the factors, play with the boundaries, experiment, protect self worth and honour values... but also don't be an Asshole because of carrying around unhealed trauma, ineffectual blame, or a victim mindset wherein chronic self-disempowerment and sabotage keeps the asshole bound and gagged; because saying nothing can also be a sneaky form of Asshole-ish manipulation. 😳

ISN'T IRONY GREAT?! 🐇😂😵🐇

Here's a couple of fun sub-ironies to contemplate for added fun...

• The people who have the honour of meeting our Asshole are rarely responsible for creating all the little assholes that caused the backlog, which is a bit unjust. We CHOOSE to suppress them, the backlog belongs to us (which is why I began this article with the word OWN). 👀
• Some are likely thinking: 'But Summer, who are you addressing here?! There's soooo many people, particularly on social media, who unleash their inner assholes all over the place like explosive diarrhea when they'd do well to shut the f*#$ up because the beliefs and values they're 'protecting' are literally insane! (i.e. radicals defending sociologically harmful ideals, anti-abortionists physically harming women making the right choice for their own bodies, people screaming at the TV when one of the contestants on Bake Off fails to turn their oven on, etc.) Let me be explicit in stating: This article is not for those people, they have grossly over-corrected in extremely dyfunctional ways and they need serious psychological help. All that to introduce this cardinal irony... Only people who worry about and fear giving their asshole a voice would benefit from doing precisely that... Why? because the fact that they're afraid to over-step the boundary and potentially hurt others is a significant indication that their moral compass is intact and pointed in the right direction. That same fear, however, will also slowly erode their innate sense of power, self esteem and trust in themselves; it is for those people I write these words... Screw those crazy Assholes who get emphatically irrate for highly illogical reasons, they hold no such fear and they authentically see nothing disproportionate with their incessant over-reactivity. Best to write them off since engaging only allows them to fling more shit. They're clearly off their rocker. 🪑💩😇

Original Publication Date 08 October 2023

Making No Choice Vs. Choosing To Do Nothing

More and more I find that one of the greatest potentials we hold is our Power of CHOICE. I wrote this entire article before realising what led me to appreciate the subtle difference between making no choice and choosing to do nothing was something I once hated about myself, causing me infinite torment... my addiction to control. To my shock, delight and relief, I find that unhealthy obsession also instigated my healing adventure when I grew increasingly intolerant of my constant attempts to control things I had no actual influence over. As I consistently addressed my own inner bullshit, I began to transition from controlling the mundane-trivial components of life (which produced no meaningful improvements, only chronic anxiety and different forms of more shit 💩🤦), to taking REAL control over my life. Indeed, most things are not within our immediate or direct control. What we’ll always be able to control however, is how we choose to conduct ourselves and the attitude with which we approach our lives. 🐇

Before I entirely give away where I'm headed let's discuss a fun fact... damn are we decision-making machines! The daily (hell, second-ly) decisions we make both consciously and subconsciously weave the fabric of our realities. So many decisions...where we direct our thoughts, how we express our emotions, and of course, our actions and/or reactions; the latter being the predominant form unfortunately, since we often condition ourselves to do the same things over and over again. Even in the face of mounting evidence that our tactics aren't always overly helpful or successful (i.e., my 25 year habit of frivolous control). 😅 

Other images come to mind of parents yelling at kids to tidy their rooms, or partners barking about the dishes in the sink, or pet owners frustratingly asserting that their furr-baby has been a very bad boy/girl! Obviously this mode of communicative reprimand doesn’t work for any species, otherwise the stimuli would cease to exist, the issues resolved. The undesired behaviours persist, yet we choose the same methods time and again knowing they won't produce the results we seek. 🤔❔

If we’re to break these re-action cycles, first we need to become aware of why we typically think, feel and act in those ways, listen to the stories we're telling ourselves subconsciously then consciously challenge and override them. We'll also need to recognise which repetitive choices have not served us well in the past, so we can be 'on the look out.' 👀👆 Even small changes in our habitual decisions lead to significant life alterations over time, and it allows us to guide ourselves into a more enjoyable human experience, one in which we can feel proud of ourselves and our choices instead of pissed off and disappointed, or worse still... hopeless and helpless. Expanding our awareness of what sits underneath our choices creates the shades of grey between our otherwise black and white decision-making (Yes/No, Go/No Go, etc.). It’s within these shady areas we’ll now explore the subtle nuances between making no choice and choosing to do nothing. 🐇🐇🐇

Making No Choice
I can think of two main reasons why someone would make no choice at all, but I’m hopeful others will think of many of their own (if so, let me know! 🙏).

1. Utter chaos and conflict between two or more of our three ‘brains’/intelligence centres. It would be folly to argue against the hypothesis that healthy choices are balanced choices. The Head analysing possible outcomes and accounting for risks, the Heart directing our intentions and desires, and the instinctual Gut pushing us away from 'danger' while pulling us towards 'safety.' Personally for a bit of whimsy I include considerations for the Spirit-based, fire-driven, passions as well, but I prefer to leave the source and meaning of these sacred for each individual.
2. An ‘It’ll be fine’ attitude, or what I also like to think of as 'Ostrich Syndrome,' wherein we stick our heads in the ground and pretend that the shit around us isn’t happening. Call it naivete or denial, either way in that position our behinds are magnificantly exposed and life eventually kicks our ass hard enough to force us out of those states. Amazingly, some of us continue to dig still-deeper, then act surprised when another swift kick inevitably comes back around... Sheer. F&*$ing. Insanity.

To the first point, one tangible example is feeling miserable and/or dispassionate about our work/job/career, experiencing one of more of the following: Feeling intellectually under-stimulated and/or unable to express our creativity (Head), displeasure in our work relationships with managers and/or colleagues (Heart), or generally sensing that its unsafe to our true selves in that environment and unable to thrive (Gut). Nevertheless, we stay for conventional reasons, all of which weave a tangled web of conflict between our 'brains'... Financial risk,  sense of achievement it gives us (ironically even if/when we don't really like the nature of the work), inconvienence of starting over,  uncertainty about what we actually want to do, lack of confidence in ability, feeling needed by boss/peers/reports/clients, etc., time investment to-date (including education), thinking it's 'normal' to dislike work... and all the other excuses we tell ourselves. We’re stuck. 'Stuck-ness' moves into feeling trapped, powerless. Things keep ticking along day in and day out, fluctuating between tolerable and tiresome, but our confusion and reasons for staying prevent us from deciding to change the situation.

Here’s another classic, relationships. Whether it's a friend, family member or romatic partner, we often find ourselves in precarious relationship situations. Things may not be great but they're not bad either. There may be signs and urges to seek other opportunities or cut ties and detach, yet we stay either out of a fear of loneliness, hesitancy to re-enter the dating game, thinking we're not good enough for someone with the attributes we really want, and/or inability to overcome the compelling Sunk Cost logical fallacy. Particularly with family, a hefty sense of obligation holds us in place, putting up with toxic situations because that's what's expected.

Our hearts long to be needed and wanted, valued, while our heads are starved for deep and meaningful conversations or a witty laugh. Our gut cautions against various and subtle forms of abuse (including self-infliction!), while our Spirit's inner flame flickers without the fiery passion or deeper connection that continually fuels the 'give and take' energy required for all relationships. But there we are, making no choice to leave... waiting for the next moment of reprieve or promise that things will change to get us through. 

Right, who's well and truly depressed at this point?! Yes, me too, and there's a reason! Because this shit is BLEAK!, and because each and every one of us knows exactly what this feels like. The paralysis created when we can't sort out what we want to do or what we should do is indeed a wretched place. It's a place we can survive, at best... but not forever. Fate is a real thing, and it kicks our ass into gear when we fail to act on the signs that something needs to shift. I'm so thankful, because this is exactly what drove me to work towards aligning my head, heart and gut for the sake of my overall wellbeing.

To the second point, I've often found myself more than a little miffed with the common Kiwi adage 'She'll be right mate!', an assumption that everything will work out without any intervention. Admittedly, this perspective has successfully converted my control-freak stressed-out tendency to a much more relaxed attribute, as I learn to trust the people and society around me as well as believe in my resilience and ability to overcome adversity. I'm no longer completely ashamed to say this literally took years of practice, and trial and error. 😅🧪

Yes, sometimes it's better to trust in help from others or give the situation time to become clearer, get more data, and allow things beyond our control to sort themselves out. Those things within our control (attitude, decisions, intentions, etc.), however, deserve conscious consideration at the very least; at that pivotal point we can make the choice to do nothing.

To clarify this boundary, I recall one of my favourite fables:

There once was a God-fearing man who refused to leave his home despite rapidly rising flood waters. As the rain pissed down and the wall of water climbed higher, he got out onto his roof clinging to his belief that God alone would save him.

His neighbor came by in a boat, urging him to come aboard, but he refused asserting that 'God will save me.' Unable to convince him otherwise, the neighbor rowed away to safety. 

The water grew still higher and swifter, then a helicopter came to pluck the man off the roof and deliver him to shelter. But the man waved it away, staunchly proclaiming that 'God will deliver me from this crisis' and that he intended to wait and hold that faith. 

Finally, the flood water overtook the roof from underneath the man and he met his damp demise. In front of the pearly gates of Heaven, he asked God why he had failed to save him, to which God replied "I sent a f*#%ing boat AND a helicopter, what else could I have done?!"

Choosing To Do Nothing
Now it's time to explore the counterpoint of choosing to do nothing, and its a simple as it reads, no magic surprises... "But that's still point #2!", some might argue... Ah, indeed, but only to the untrained eye. It's the conscious choice to do nothing, intentionally. To let the cards play out exactly how they were dealt, in full awareness that there are risks to taking no action at all. Had the bloke in the fable had made the choice to do nothing, consciously, he sure as shit wouldn't have been surprised to find himself at those pearly gates; he'd have anticipated that was one of the risks of his fateful choice and he would've owned that decision instead of blaming God for not saving his sorry ass. 😉♱

The line between these distinctions is indeed a fuzzy one; one that's nearly impossible to determine until we've gained both experiential wisdom and inner awareness through feedback (like when life gives us 🎁 or 🍋 or 💩) and purposeful reflection. Basically, it's elucidating the epic grey areas along the spectrum between the black and white binary extremes of our World. Anyway, to help wrap our brains around this concept, let's explore some reasons we might choose to do nothing (These are not real examples, they are my attempt to create general and relatable situations):

• I have a job... No, I don't love it and it's not what I ultimately want to do, but it only makes me want to jump off a bridge sometimes and it allows me to save enough money to one day branch out and do what I really want to do. I choose to stay, until such time as I'm ready to start said new venture. Most importantly, I remain grateful for the job, even when someone sends me an email that makes me want to put my fist through my computer, because I OWN the fact that I CHOOSE to stay, to do nothing at present. I fully understand that I could leave, forsake the money and security, as terrifying as that is... as unsensible and impractical as it seems... I am, nonetheless, capable of resignation. I am not trapped, not powerless, and I trust in my ability to provide for myself and my family without it. I could miraculously land on my feet, but for now I won't do a damn thing.
• I have a friend who drives me absolutely f*#!ing nuts at times, and whom I sometimes regret hanging out with all-together. They're prone to complaining about everything and anything under the Sun and it completely drains me. Despite every attempt I make to role-model cheerfulness, they seem to love bitching about their kids, job, spouse, people at the grocery store who move too slowly, or how their favourite contestant was voted off the island and how unfair it was... I've thought about cutting them out of my life, but we've been friends for so long. I don't need to explain what I've been through with them, they were there, they know. Besides, isn't part of being a good friend accepting each other for who we are? Maintaining compassion, creating a safe space where we can have a bit of a pity party without adverse judgment? 🥳 Perhaps it would even serve me well to consider the shit I do that ruffles their feathers as well, or why their dreariness bugs me so much, as appalling as that sounds. So I'll do nothing, because I'd rather keep them in my life than lose them for reasons I'm not entirely convinced are just.

The common themes here are that we're willing to do nothing, take no observable action. Wait, slow down, take a risk, consider what lies hidden underneath, put up with a bit of strife to get more data until we get either a logical or intuitive cue to act, ensuring the decision involved is healthy, heartfelt and whole.

There is also an odd sort of liberation in 'letting go and letting God.' And, if the concept of giving that control over to the Universe is too uncomfortable since it's decidedly Spiritual in nature, think of it simply as the conscious decision to not intervene and just see what happens. An experiment! Not with the naivete that accompanies the 'Ostrich Syndrome,' having failed to consider the reprocussions of making no choice and leaving our asses very much exposed for a rightous-kicking, but with a twinkle of playful curiousity. ✨🧚

Ironically, whether we make no choice or choose to do nothing, both can be transformative when embraced as learning opportunities if/when shit blows up in our face and we abstain from the allure of blame. This realisation struck me hard at some point during my evolution, and it led to the creation of my #1 Life Principle: "I Learn With a Grafetful Heart." Despite the plot twists life throws my way, no matter the pain I endure, instead of feeling like a victim of luck; I remain open to the lessons life holds. Should we be so fortunate as to wrap our tiny human brains and egos around this concept and embody it, we effectively detach ourselves from the outcome of our choices and decisions like those funky Buddhists are always going on about... Freeing, but also unbelievably difficult without a hell of a lot of practice, for me in the form of trust-falls!

Original Publication Date 05 June 2023