Fortuitous Forty

My 40th year is upon me, and I hope like f&$! this cliche holds true! Four decades, and true to my inherently reflective nature, I wonder... What the shit do I have to show for it? What have I learnt?

The former question sits within a dark abyss of complex emotions... so let's just leave it for now, shall we? The latter question seems more do-able. 😇💩

Thanks to Facebook memories, my CV, and key blog articles I've penned (typed?), it's not terribly difficult to discern where my Mind, Heart and Spirit were at throughout these informative years. And thank goodness, because if I had to rely on my own memory, I'd make an absolute dogs-breakfast of this reflection. Ironically, I'm grateful for my blogs in a whole new sense now. Look, I realise I'm no author or influencer with my words, but nevertheless they serve an important purpose for me; through the lulls and mania, I wrote or didn't write. My periods of silence as 'loud' as my bursts of creativity. My written and spoken words are the gifts I offer this world, capable of motivational inspiration but also great ire in others. 😅🤷 

Nevertheless, I could not have accomplished the self-development I've managed without these expressions. My blogs articles have facilitated my learnings and self-actualisation, shared in my vain hopes it will have a parallel impact on others who relate to my insights. So to whoever is reading/has read, thank you, may they continue to serve us well in some way... And hell, there's always a hope I'll be famous posthumously! 🙏🐇😇😆

Anyway, before I get too esoteric, on the whole, all I am certain of is... well... my thirties were... a total mind-f*$! if I'm honest. Wonderfully, epically, WEIRD. These were the experimental years, each of which included deliberate analysis, disassembly and reassembly of who I am; a complete rewiring as I shifted over time and became who I am now... Sometimes loving that person, sometimes hating her... somehow always finding a place of peaceful acceptance. There's been a plethora of battle scars, but also amazing miracles and adventures too, that's life. 🤔🌈

Short reflections for each year, along with my favourite article from the blog archives and pictures of my aging process to follow... 💖🙈🙉🙊💖

2014 (30): Life finds ways to remind us of our dreams, and sometimes kicks our ass out the door if we forget about them. 

Ahhh, what a trip down memory lane, I actually remember this birthday! I was a Kansas homeowner working overnight shifts at both the Pharmaceutical plant and McDonald's. I invited both groups of work friends over and sure enough, they mixed like oil and water. 🤣 The main highlight was my McD friends creating a predictable level of drama, getting hammered, acting childish, overloading my porch swing and causing it to fall down. 'Luckily', my exit strategy to NZ was already in place 'thanks' to a situation that forced me to confront a deep knowing in myself... To be fair, nothing short of this debacle was going to push my comfort-zone clinging, this-is-what-life-is-meant-to-be, conditioned mind past the fear of living my dream; ironically allowing me to literally take flight. 🛫

Birth of a Kiwi (30/05/2014): Holds some gory details around my US exit, and a solid lesson in the repercussions of shit-talking your manager in a country where 'you're fired' is both serious and immediate. 😳

Making 'lemonade' from my sour life lesson by using the stand-down time from my soon-to-be-ex-career to go to Germany and catch up with a couple of my best friends from University. 🍋😅😎 (13/05/2014)

2015 (31): Sweating Cortisol is a real thing; the Universe tested my strength and dammit, I'll f*$!ing swim to NZ if needed! 

Physically getting myself to NZ was literally the most challenging test of my human resolve that I've ever faced, and it was probably the first time I realised that 'the easy way' just wasn't going to be my life path... in any situation. 🤷 [Note: Existentially, without victim-blaming, I'm still trying to discern how much my underlying assumptions plays a part it that. i.e. If I expect life to be tough/assume I can only learn and grow through pain... well, that's what I manifest because 'thoughts expand' according to eastern spiritual doctrine.] 

Anyway, LOOK OUT NZ, HERE I COME! Despite mild culture shock, largely centred around confusion over produce items like courgettes, capsicum and sultanas, I easily settled into NZ life. Highlights included breathing in the amazingly refreshing NZ air as I quickly started doing every tramp I could find, securing a new job, making some great friends, and by far the biggest win of obtaining NZ Residency in record time; which meant my one-year working holiday visa could be extended indefinitely! Finally, after a lifetime of searching, I was home. 🏡💖

US Exodus Chronicles: A horroring and nearly unbelievable series of events

• Day Zero: SNAFUs #1 and #2 (07/02/2015)
• Sweet Mother Mary and Joseph: I Finally Made It Out! (08/02/2015)

I wasn't in NZ yet, but hell, at least I made it to Australasia! 🌏 

2016 (32): All work and lots of play makes Summer a busy-as Squirrel.

Thanks to my tendency to be absorbed in relationships and work, this was a fairly uneventful year on paper yet quite eventful in a social sense, with heaps of flat parties and friendships formed. After I got my Kiwi residency and no longer needed a 'credible' job in the view of the NZ immigration bureau, I took a real gamble and started my own personal training business, Squirrel Fitness! 💪👏

Exercise: Push Through or Pull Out? (18/10/2016)

My mate Col and I at a friend's wedding. We used to go for weekly walks and coffee dates. A top chick! 💕

2017 (33): We are not Humans having a spiritual experience, we're Spirits having a human experience.

I'm fairly certain this is the year I forgot how old I was, and my sister and I found out (the hard way) that we both base internal awareness of our age by the fact that we're 14 months apart. I couldn't remember how old I was because she couldn't remember how old she was, and vice versa. 🤣

Oh boy, and was there ever some drama early in this year... 💩💣

On a semi-related note, I moved to Taranaki and committed to 'Dairy for Life' this year! A wise choice indeed. 🐄😉

E = mc^2: The Many Names of Universal Energy (04/10/2017, Originally published as "Who is Monti Tao?")

Ah, the year Praying Mantises replaced all previous forms of faith.

2018 (34): A delightfully Delphic year spent dissecting self worth... while running... heaps.

After the plot twist that led to my Taranaki relocation, I undertook the emotional processing necessary through endurance running. My best insights come from moving meditation when my mind and body can wander together, and I had a hell of a lot of self worth work to sift through. Besides, nothing inspires inner strength like physical strength, I've always marveled that where the Body goes the Mind will follow, and vice versa. Though it rarely feels like it, it's our conscious choice that determines which is leading. 🧠😅😇

Waking Up to Worth (14/04/2018)

The only feeling better than crossing a finish line 42.2km from its start is the hot shower and turkish meal afterward. 🎽🏃😋 

2019 (35): When I know what I want, I don't hesitate...

Goodness, an amazing year indeed. My gorgeous then-14-year old Niece came over for a visit and I got hitched!! A subconscious indication that my previous self-worth work had manifested a love I dreamt of my entire life. Apologies, the pain of his recent passing is still a bit too fresh... so that's all I can bring myself to say. 

A Whole-Hearted Decision (15/09/2019)

We had so much fun! And I sent her ass to Hawera High School for a week for some 'Kiwi Education.' 😆🤓📚

Despite what I couldn't anticipate would come later, I back the risk to this day; loving literally every moment of my marriage, for better and for worse. Worth it. 💖💫🙏🐇💔

2020 (36): I will sacrifice a knee for a medal, which is an ironic way to back myself.

I'd find it difficult to believe if anyone forgot this year started with an epic LOCKDOWN, during which I realised the extreme gratitude of having my husband to share that experience with; we authentically had a good time and made the most of it. Since gyms were off limits, I took to training for my second marathon. Truth-be-told, I hit the wall during the previous one and wasted 20 precious minutes lying in the grass and crying. My determination was such that I felt I needed to recover that time and complete this race in under five hours. 😂⌚

And, spoiler alert, I did it! Despite the fact my right knee blew out around 38kms in, I took a handful of ibuprofen (passed to me on the run), slammed an energy drink, and said f*$# it, sub-five or bust baby!! 🤦💥 

Isolation, Grief and the Power of Choice (05/04/2020)

The best part of this marathon was watching my husband zip around on a scooter the whole time to make sure that I had what I needed. He was having a blast. 😂 Having him speed ahead of me likely motivated me more than I realised as well. 🙏💖🏃

2021 (37): Being cut in half like a rag doll, and sewn back together, is a great way to get to know my body on the deepest level... and also to get a new belly button.

My husband and I did five of NZ's great walks while no tourists were allowed in our country. My God were they ever epic, the Tongariro Northern Circuit being my favourite. I really don't think there's anything better than going bush with no phone for four days and carrying everything needed to survive over that time in a tramping pack strapped to my back like an adventure-turtle! 

As if that wasn't physically challenging enough, I flanked these tramps with major surgery. It was a procedure I'd wanted since completing my weight loss in 2008, and a saga I hope to be brave enough to write in Shape Shifter [Part 3] someday.  Intuitively, I knew I couldn't remove the one kg of excess skin until the motivation shifted from body-hate to body-love, which only took a mere thirteen years. 👀👊😅👏 

Apologies, I have no link to share for this year because I was so busy doing great walks, undergoing said surgery, and fulfilling my ambition of becoming 'Little Bo Peep' I apparently didn't have any time to write! Hand raising a day-old kid and 3-day old lamb was full on, but it was so much fun when they weren't driving me insane and eating all our plants. Watching Xena (goat) and Ellie (sheep) play and prance was a compelling time-waster! 💖😆

Turns out, this is the only type of motherhood I've even been suited for... even more true considering we rehomed them when they grew too big for us to handle. The fact it's not socially acceptable to do this with human children is the very reason I've never wanted any. 😖😝

2022 (38): Six-packs are possible, and 'some' aspects of genetics are highly advantageous.

The year started out by me setting a goal to achieve the six-pack I never thought possible after a 23-year period of morbid obesity. And all I can say is this... abs are indeed made in the kitchen as much as the gym. It requires extreme physical and mental discipline, but it is possible! Funny enough, I had confidence I could do it because I clearly carry my father's genetics and he was a legit body builder my whole life. 💪 

Speaking of my Dad, I also went back to the US for a visit this year since it had been awhile and I was fairly convinced my family had forgotten what I looked like. One of my proudest moments happened when I went to my Dad's local gym with him; the guy at the counter let me in for free and remarked "I've never been more certain that this is a man with his daughter." 

Healing for Humanity (06/06/2022)

Thanks to the permanent stitch now holding my abs in the right place, I was confident in my body's infrastructure, while my genetics gave me confidence in its muscle-building capability.
I am literally my father's clone! 💞🙌

2023 (39): To love, I require and deserve complete and unwavering HONESTY.

Woooo, this one's a bit of a write off if I'm honest. Decidedly  f&*#-ing BLEAK. I remember that first sardonic thought as I packed up what little I wanted to take with me then drove away... "Now I just need to wait for my next husband to get divorced." An insightful glimpse into how I process emotional pain with dark humour (or how I don't, more like). 😅😳

Anyway, I did what a gypsy spirit does under such circumstances and gapped it to Europe with my Sister and still-gorgeous Niece, while pondering all new levels of the never-ending self-acceptance rabbit hole. 🐇🕳🙏

A Little Prick (30/12/2023)

Iceland has no lack of outrageous waterfalls! And even in mid-Summer, it's f*$# freezing in the north. 😂⛄❅

2024 (40!): Things happen to those who persist through the struggle and wait for the Universe to bring the right opportunity. And nothing makes me feel both the strongest and weakest I've ever been than sitting with, breathing through, and accepting unmitigated misery.

Right, can't lie/won't lie... those uprocessed emotions from 2023 finally caught up with me, just in time for my 40th birthday, and shit got gloriously BLEAK... I'll leave it there. 😳

Alas, the Universe doth eventually provide the right opportunites for progress. A fateful trip to Singapore for a neuroscience-focused coaching certification course evoked many unconscious and intense insights, and I've finally got my mojo back! 😍🙆🙌💓

I needed to go through this attrocious transition into forty to finally fully recieve the critical life lesson of learning to process emotions I find distressing, instead of shoving them down then watching the shit show of self-destructive behaviours snake their way up to the surface as a result... Life, ay? 😅😵🤦‍♀️

My Universal reward for having completed that gnarly bit of substantial healing work is a year-long hiatus in Shanghai! So, here's to winging it for a year in a totally new physical, emotional and spiritual environment and culture as this gypsy takes flight once more. 😉😎

Perception Versus Reality (23/06/2024)

I LOVED Singapore, which gives me hope for the Shanghai relocation. 🎉👌 

Original Publication Date 01 September 2024

Episode 4: Final Countdown!

 

Original Release Date 01 September 2024

Episode 3: Singapore and Authentic Diversity

Part 1: 5mins 33secs

Part 2: 11mins 41secs

Relevant Links:

Singapore Trip Pictures! (via Facebook)

NeuroLeadship Institute: Brain-Based Coaching Program

Kempinski The One Suites Hotel (Shanghai Accomodation)

Original Release Date 25 August 2024

Episode 2: Still Not in China

 

 

Original Release Date 21 July 2024

Ethereal Equation

I don't have much to say about this really, it's more about questions to ponder while digesting a seemingly uncomplicated equation. Nothing could be further from the truth however, because there are innumerable brain-busting layers to these three simple variables. For many, this effective equation is an awareness-expanding game-changer, creating rabbit hole upon rabbit hole; try not to get lost. Here we go! 🐇🕳🔦🤪

Firstly, time to get honest, we all know it's a bold-faced lie when I state 'I don't have much to say', I have plenty to say... always.  But, I'm super conscious of my Matariki Intention to softly plant seeds of awareness-raising concepts instead of pounding them down people's throats. So here's one of my first meager attempts. To set some boundaries and give myself a fighting chance, I'll attempt to mostly leave it to the questions at the end and largely let the memes do 'the talking.' There are a couple of key  themes we would do well to scrutinise first, however, to fully benefit from this psychological statement. 😅🤷✨

Mindset and Attitude are CRITICAL 🙏💞
Our reactions are inseparable from our mindset. If we believe the event has happened TO US, adopting a victim mindset, then the reaction and subsequent outcome will be vastly different than if we were to view the event as happening FOR US, seen from a growth mindset. An attitude of gratitude and willingness to learn from the event, whether we perceive it as 'good' or 'bad,' will heavily influence how we react (hell, we may choose not to react at all 🤔). 

Note: There is no victim-blaming here, no judgment, no 'right' or 'wrong'... Everyone deserves the autonomy of their responses (after all, we're each good people doing our best with what we've got), but we must also hold responsibility for the outcome(s) either way. 

Growth mindsets, gratitude, wisdom, EQ and self awareness all take time and practice to cultivate, which is why it's unsurprising that our go-to knee-jerk reactions are driven from our limbic system, based in survival, threat and fear instigated responses. We will seek to regain power and control, fight for our ingrained values, and put ourselves in a 'winning' position before we even realise what we're doing. Shit, I don't know about others, but I'll be damned if this type of response hasn't absolutely screwed me in the past. 👀👎😅

We so quickly become invested in the outcome that serves US best, gives US the most power and control, having things 'our way,' that we forget to ask others what they think, collaborating on what the outcome should be to benefit all the people impacted by the event. I can't think of a single example where asking others for their opinion hurt the outcome, but I can think of heaps of times that my decision turned out to be hilariously short-sighted. As a result, damage-control became necessary. Again, a slice of humble pie anyone? 🥧🤤😳

Shifting from our innate, anxiety-prone, threat-based and close-minded point of view to a wiser, prosocial, open-minded position, requires time! ⏰ In the short-term we need at least 15-30 seconds for the adrenaline to wear off, and in the long-term years to systematically re-wire those rapid-fire reactionary circuits to make better, BALANCED, decisions. Acknowledging that the more sustainable latter process indeed takes considerable time and inner work, I welcome everyone to do what I do in the meantime... rejoice in the hilarity of our tiny human egos, throwing adult temper tantrums when an event crops up that displeases us. We all regress and throw our toys when we feel hard-done by life's challenges, and though it may not be funny in real time, it's damn-sure amusing retrospectively. 👶🧸🤣🙄

[Shit, ok... that was a bit of a Sledgehammer-rant. I'll do better with the next point.]

Sleep On It 😴🛌
The equal sign is our signal to PAUSE. The length of the pause will be proportional to the quality of our response and thus the outcome. This is also needed to take stock of, and/or adjust our mindset... or chuckle at our own whimsy. 😉💩

[Nailed it! 🔨👍]

Questions to Consider

• What is the best long-term outcome? 
• Am I being, or will I perceived to be, an A-sshole or a balanced, emotionally intelligent person with integrity?
• What would I want to happen if there were no restraints or barriers in the way?
• Will I be PROUD of my response and the outcome in hindsight?
• What are the potential unintended consequences my response?
• Am I being authentic, and following my wise moral compass and displaying kindness / empathy / compassion, or am I lashing out because I feel hurt / disempowered / out of control / fearful / anxious?
• Will I be building TRUST and creating a safe environment for others by withholding judgment, or am I making false assumptions, listening to my brain's questionable narratives, and potentially damaging my relationships and/or reputation?
• Am I re-acting and making the issue worse, or pro-acting and leading myself and others towards an optimal solution?
• Am I likely to experience sensations of guilt or regret?
• If I make a dog's breakfast of the situation, am I willing to reflect and learn from the outcome so I can adjust my mindset/moral compass for future events?

Lastly, I'll just leave this gently here... 🙏💖😅

Original Publication Date 07 July 2024

The Day God Spoke to Me Through a Barista

There is no way to articulate what happened to me; at a minimum, it was deific. I still feel awe when remembering the experience and tears fill my eyes. God spoke to me one fateful day, through a Barista. ☕🐇🤷‍♀️🕳

Like a good little girl I went to church with my Mom and Dad during a home visit. I'm a bit ashamed to admit this, but the whole time I was in church I was either 1) caught between thinking the people were either crazy or being jealous at the pure joy they obviously felt as a result of their holy connection, or 2) thinking about when I'd inevitably get hungry and worrying that my blood sugar would get low before I could get back to the soup and salad I had waiting for me back at my Dad's house, forcing me to eat something other than what I had planned to eat. This is my crux, my addiction; absolute control over what, when, and how I eat. Even though I haven't counted in a week, and I'm not planning meals days in advance, the same anxiety-ridden fear-filled thoughts have not ceased. In a last ditch effort to harvest my serenity, I attempted to focus on trusting my body, comprehending that building my intuitive bodily senses and signals is the only way out of this mess. 🤦‍♀️

Mine is a behavioral addiction, unlike the chemical addictions that run rampant in my family. I had never really given this difference much thought until explaining to my father the other day that although I sometimes smoke cigarettes I've never been addicted to nicotine, likely lacking the genetic component that makes people nicotine addicts. Similarly, I have drunk plenty of booze and hit my share of bongs, yet nothing chemical has ever stuck. Now, tell me about a new study that shows 45 minutes of cardio is the optimal amount of time to workout, or that 1874 calories is what I should eat to maintain my weight, then try to get me to stop staunchly adhering to precisely those numbers. The stability, the control, these numbers offer draw me in and lock my Mind in place. At first they bring me peace, but comfort transforms into torture as I realize that any alteration incapacitates me with anxiety. Consequently, it seems odd to me that these addiction variants can be equally powerful and destructive though society tends to ignore or deny them. Only recently have addictions like eating disorders, OCD and hoarding behaviors been the focus of recovery programs. And it's unlikely sufferers like me are keen to openly seek help; no, we're far too busy trying to act normal. 😓🙈

Back to church. At the start of the service the Barista who had taken my complicated and somewhat ridiculous Cappuccino order (decaf, nonfat, sugar-free almond, extra foam) the other day at my favorite local coffee shop came over to me, elated, that she had another opportunity to see me. I thought this a bit odd since, though she was extremely kind and open at the shop, I hadn't shared anything personal with her in any way... or so I thought. 🤔😟

After the service she found me again and asked if I would pray with her; I wanted to leave and eat an apple, but decided there was no harm in appeasing her. Who turns down well wishes?! What happened next turned my world upside down and left me feeling absurd for feeling such prickly judgment over the churchgoers; the Almighty was about to prove just how right they were. It was as though God smacked me in the forehead and said "You shoulda had a f*$!ing V8!" And considering my issues, I took this quite literally!

She prayed that I saw that I am WHOLE, that I am not broken; affirmed that I have already won. Asked that God ensure the food I eat will nourish me, help me to see that my Body will not trick me and I can TRUST my innate feelings of hunger and satiation. Declared that I am beautiful and worthy of love, and beseeched God to make all these things visible to me. She even mentioned something about being more valuable than the calories I eat, but admittedly at that point I was in such a state of amazement and befuddlement, not to mention uncontrollable sobbing, that I can't recall the exact words. How did she know?! What did she see?! In that instant I was completely certain of one thing: This was why I came here before leaving, for God to deliver this message in a way I would have to accept. Heaven knows, all these things I have told myself time and time again, but have never been able to believe. Now, how could I deny them when they were utterly crystal clear to a total stranger?

As we were wrapping up our prayer and I thanked the angelic Barista repeatedly while also praising her substantial intuitive gift, my best friend from middle school came over to lend me her support as well. She said something that really struck me, something I have always known but did not recognize in myself; 'The greatest gift we have is the love we give to others." Then she imparted that sentiment onto me, stating that I've always had that gift, yet I've always seen myself as more selfish than giving. Again, something I'll have to accept and love about myself.

Fatefully, as I've already mentioned, yesterday marked the first full week I've gone without counting calories or planning out meals in advance. The copious amounts of anxiety I was experiencing as a result had me at my breaking point, thinking that I should count if only to appease the shadow even though I know the number doesn't mean anything, and the only true and accurate calorie counter is my Body. After my divine intervention, however, there was no way I was about to count! After all, I have already won, I only need to learn to see that and stay the course!

The Hindsight of 20/20... Over Nine Years Later

To this day, reflecting on that experience inspires a sob-fest. 🥳😅

The tears are a complex mixture of writhing emotions as I ashamedly yet acceptingly concede these behaviours have very much stuck with me; my shadow faithfully at my side. I attempt to keep all the detrimental toxic false beliefs in balance with actual health, self care and primarily rely on my innate bodily sensations of hunger. But damn, I'm still recovering... still healing; some say being 'recovered' is possible, but I just don't know. I could have never anticipated the severe impact and repercussions that shifting my shape would have on my delicate human psyche. F*$!ING BLEAK, but sorry folks, the silver lining is rather slim... and grey. Regardless, I'm healthier and stronger than I've been since first becoming aware of my disordered eating, and I'm determined to get better even if that means learning to manage and live with this gnarly behavioural 'disorder.' I'm worth loving even if I am a bit f*#!ed after all. We all are! 😅🤣💖🐇🤪

Original Publication Date 02/02/2015 as "Thought of the Day 02/01/2015: The Day God Spoke to Me Through a Barista" on Analytical Ramblings of a Scientific Mind

Updated 30 June 2024

Episode 1: Introduction & My Velvety Matariki Intention

A Wee PS Note...

Original Release Date 14 July 2024

Perception Versus Reality

I’m fully aware that my constant pursuit of a deeper knowing and expansion of my human consciousness has made me, and will continue to make me, ‘different’ in the eyes of others. Sure, 'normal' is a on a spectrum, but I think we can all agree I've flown well past the extreme end of f*$@ing out-there; the 'reality' of my personal purpose and how I achieve it will be 'perceived' by others to varying degrees of that extremity. 😝💖😵

I’m constantly curious, but about my own thoughts and feelings and those of everyone around me. Do I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADHD) and or an Eating Disorder (ED)? F*$# knows… Am I human? Yes, yes I am (whether I bloody like it or not, at times 😅). Does my mind play tricks on me, feed me a narrative that is out of touch with the realities of other people’s perception of me? Almost certainly… Am I the fun kind of crazy or actually crazy? Jury's still out… It depends on the day, the circumstances, the context surrounding the situation, the people involved and how well they 'know' me, or even how well they want to know me. It’s all just a swirling mass of subconscious biases and conditioned thoughts, feelings and behaviours, faulted memories of previous experiences and personal motivational drivers. These compose my reality, and the behaviours they motivate inform people’s perception of me which may or may not align with my own perception of Self. What a RABBIT HOLE! 🕳🐇

I’ve done a hell of a lot of re-wiring, led myself through a deconstruction of who I was conditioned to be through familial upbringing and societal conventions to discover who I truly am... it got scary, I can't lie. It tested the boundaries of my sanity, literally. But F*$@, what did I have to lose? According to many others I was already 'mentally ill.'  Ironically however, the more I embraced all the diagnoses I'd accumulated and vowed "Dammit, I'll love myself for this too!" the less these misjudged 'illnesses' have dominated my life. I've learned to accept this innate wiring of my brain chemistry, that I can’t necessarily shift, with as much grace and as little self-punishment as possible. Letting go of the concept of imperfection has been a long slow slog for me. But what else can I do? 👉💩🗻😂

When I observe thoughts, emotions and reactions that don’t serve me or others within my sphere of influence, well, I do my best to practice new thoughts and ways of behaving. I endeavour to become aware of these old narratives and assumptions, challenge them in real-time and try to prove them wrong in hopes of either re-writing the script or validating them… both are critical data needed to understand the reality of the situation. Why do I do this so vehemently? To put it bluntly… to stop being such a judgmental dick to myself and others, to become more compassionate, empathetic, open-minded and authentically kind. To allow people the honour of feeling safe to be themselves around me, but also let them know if/when they’ve crossed one of my trigger points because healthy boundaries keep us all safe, as well as cultivating and preserving a sense of genuine self esteem.

What we tell ourselves, how we behave towards ourselves, is how we’ll talk to and treat others; whether we’re conscious of that or not is a completely different story. I give others the advice and feedback that I strive to follow my magnificently-fallible Self. None among us is exempt from such human follies, which are a consequence of our threat-based survivalist lizard-brain. We’re on constant guard, surveying our lives and the lives of others looking for issues and dangers that might make us uncomfortable or disempower us. Unfortunately, treating ourselves and others as ‘problems to be solved’ doesn’t leave much room for kindness, open-mindedness and/or non-judgment. 👎👀

I spend a hell of a lot of brain energy on this stuff, if for no other reason than to distract those threat-based circuits and get them firing towards something more empowering; remaining GRATEFUL for my life, in all its shit-showing glory, and seeing solutions/opportunities instead of issues/problems. There is no failure, no mistakes... only things to learn from, taking it on the chin if/when necessary since we're often the cause of our own demise. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I started pulling the string of self development when I finally grew tired of my own bullshit, and the fact that I was constantly getting in my own way, undermining my own sense of worth. 😅🤷🤦

When I achieve periods of sustainable mental health, wellbeing and emotional intelligence, than role-model that to others, I’m hoping like hell it becomes as infectious as COVID-19. I’m learning to serve this World and everyone on it using pure intentions of good will, genuine smiley emotionally contagious mirror neurons, and displays of Trust in the Universe. Thereby re-affirming the soothing sentiment that 'everything happens for a reason'... as frustrating as that may be at times. My rallying cry has become "Back Yourself Bitch!" and I encourage others to invoke the same; and if they can't, I'll shout it at them until they listen. 😝🔊😍💥

Does that sound nuts? Probably... but f*%# it, I started this mad adventure thirteen years ago by listening to The Power of Now and whatever Dr. Wayne Dyer had to say and write. I transitioned from medicated and hospitalised to the weird and wonderful WHOLE being (yet delightful hot-mess) that I am now. I’ll continue to evolve by constantly poking my brain with the sharp pointy sticks that are ‘The Why's,’ remain curious and humble in my utter ignorance of the realities of others and appreciative of my privileged situation. I can spend my energy on these reflections instead of worrying about when the next literal bomb will drop, how to put food on the table for my family, get down the street without being assaulted, or having to find a job and a place to live. My core life principle has been to LEARN WITH A GRATEFUL HEART, because the older I get the more naïve I realise I am about the day-to-day realities of other humans. I cannot 'fix' anything about them, nor would I rob them of the power of realising everything we need is already inside them. All I can do is be a safe place of non-judgment and respite from life's many hardships. Suddenly, my BULLSHIT and drama becomes laughably insignificant.

Alas, survival/threat-based hard-wiring is so difficult to overcome! Developing that frontal lobe, and probably other areas of the brain, is not an easy process and certainly not for the faint of heart nor those with ‘precious’ / easily offended tiny-human egos. Please, can we all agree to start laughing and rejoicing in our absurdities?! Anyone?... Buller?... 😉😂 This is a necessary aspect of admitting to ourselves that we’re simply overflowing with false beliefs, assumptions, biases, greedy agendas, and blame… and goodness knows we all hate being f*%#ing wrong. Confronting ourselves in the proverbial 'mirror,' doing a gap analysis being perception and reality, is ugly and terrifying (whether it's our own or those of others); but damn is it worth it to become a healthy, balanced, human being that treats everyone with the respect we all deserve.

We simply can't fathom what people have gone through, or what they're currently going through. Life isn’t kind to anyone on this Earth. We perceive some people as a threat, others as friends, and mostly we fail to consider them at all… yet we’re all human and here together. Living this life inside our minds taking our abysmal best guess at what lies in the minds others; we can learn so much from each other if/when we can quiet our internal dialogue long enough to: 

• Observe without judgment 
• Listen to understand
• Become genuinely curious about their intentions, without making assumptions

I’ll never forget Mr. Eckhart Tolle insisting that if I wanted to live in 'The Now,' be present, less anxious, and start to dis-entangle the chaos in my head and subsequently my life, then I’d need to learn to be ‘The Watcher.’ Methodically and persistently practice non-judgmentally observing my own thoughts, behaviours and actions, and their impact on myself and others. Thirteen years, and I’ve ONLY JUST started to lay that judgment to rest and be nicer to myself for being a silly human… not having all the answers, snapping at someone for crossing a boundary, being an asshole, talking too much at too loud a decibel with too much profanity 🙊; for blasting people with my overwhelming 'passion' and errant opinions stated with the confidence of fact 😅. I now acknowledge that I try my best at each and every opportunity to consider my impact on others so that I can modify my behaviour in the moment, thus helping others feel valued and supported.

Thirteen years it took me to stop asking “What about me?! Why can’t/aren’t others doing the same for me?! Why do I need to ‘be the bigger person’?!,” and using them as excuses to let my own shitty behaviour persist. I’ve finally lost my appetite for blame and reciprocity because what I understand is that people don’t treat me with kindness and equity because they don’t treat themselves that way, nor do they know how to stop being who they’ve always been or have been conditioned to be. They are a victim of their own wiring, just how I was until I couldn’t bear it anymore and my circuits literally broke. They don’t need my judgment, and they don’t deserve it either. All I can do is role-model the pro-social behaviours I’d want everyone to display, this is how we learn empathy, from observing and perceiving one another… our pain and struggles, and comparing them to our own realities. I will be that person, at no cost and with no expectation of generosity in return. I will show anyone I’m fortunate enough to meet what it is to be open, unassuming, accepting and whole, neither toxically positive nor habitually pessimistic, just BALANCED and willing to listen to their reality so that I can adjust my perception with fairness and compassion. I could never have accomplished this adaptation until I did the hard yards of exhausted self reflection, of facing the shadow in the mirror until I fell in love with her.

How do I know it worked? That I've healed? Learned to take care of myself and my unique needs? Well, if anyone had met me fourteen years ago, I would've projectile-vomited my pain, shame and victim stories all over them. There wouldn't have been any doubt in their mind that I had all sorts of mental issues, I wore them on my sleeve as a justification for how I lived; from one crisis to the next. No gaps between my unhinged reality and their perception of my mania. Now, while others certainly detect some eccentricities about me, people would never guess I'm internally carrying around half the DSM-5 . Ok, maybe that's naive... it's fairly obvious that I work at the warp-chaotic speed easily associated with ADHD. The people with a healthy sense of whimsy are free to join in the weird and wonderful fun. 💨💓😅

Original Publication Date 23/06/2024

The Price For Freedom

Dedicated to my sister, my Heart, and published with her permission. 🙏💖🐇  

That song, that f*$#ing song you sent me… Good god damn did it tear a hole inside me, one I’ve covered up with various things for years beyond counting. I’ve forgotten why I left or I never knew to begin with; I really can’t say. I just knew my heart couldn’t heal and my Soul couldn’t be at peace in that place. I wasn’t strong enough to stay, and I’ve never understood how you could. I’ve gone back and forth so many times in my mind, now knowing if I felt you were courageous or cowardly, lazy or tenacious. I’ve never really understood you, just accepted that you are you and I am me, and we’re both shockingly similar yet fundamentally different all at the same time. Our stories riddled with irony.

Why does this song cause me such a torrent of tears? A full-on ugly cry? Admittedly, the first verse alone made me stop it the first time I tried to listen, but recognising there was an critical lesson to learn from the writhing emotions leaving me extremely unsettled during my morning cardio and yoga routine, I came home resolved to listen to the whole thing… Sweet Jesus.

I feel my tears come from a rather bleak realisation, my first glimpse embarrassingly, into how you might be feeling… waiting for me to come home and wondering why I left; and you’re one of the three epic loves of my life to experience the jagged edges of my flighty Gypsy Spirit... I'm sure he felt that way too over the last year. Leaving the door open, willing to accommodate my particular needs and personality nuances, just to spend even a moment with me. My god, I’ve never seen it that way before, and to think I might have caused you that delicate mixture of hope and pain is ripping me apart from every angle of my being. After everything that happened to us the last thing you deserved was to be left by another person in your life… yet you let me go without so much as a word. Selflessly, you only ever wanted me to be happy. Sadly, I mistook it for apathy.

You are and have always been the one person, the one detail of my life, I never wanted to leave behind, but selfishly I knew I had to… I could never thrive there; I felt a compulsion to fly away in pursuit of god-knows-what. I wasn’t strong enough to stay. You were the one true sacrifice I made. I’ve always been thankful that you granted my freedom with such grace, because you’re the only living person that holds that level of power over me. The only person I unconditionally trust.

I left for so many reasons, some conscious, the vast majority either subconscious or down-right unconscious. Hopping around at first, not too far from the nest, until I felt the very soil under my feet burning me alive every time I thought I’d found a safe place to land. At first I assumed you understood but actually wanted me around without wanting to hold me back, over time I somehow deluded myself into thinking you were better off… if I was around all the time than I’d just annoy you until you didn’t want me around anymore anyway. I thought the trips every few years would sustain us… It wasn’t until you gifted me that song that I truly started to understand your perspective and perplexity.

🎵🔊“Don’t you find it strange that you just went ahead and carried on?”🎵🔊

I’ve asked you that question in various ways over the years, but I can’t say I’ve ever comprehended your answers which largely centered around your stubbornness. I always suspected you weren’t telling me how you really felt. And now I don’t honestly know who was strong, you for staying or me for leaving… The truth, of course, is that we both are in our own ways.

Where some develop roots, for many complicated reasons most of which are beyond my human comprehension, I grew wings; I cherish and value freedom and flight… And this is the price I’ve paid in pain up until now, it’s left me homeless without a genuine sense of belonging. Free to be anyone and live anywhere, I relive identity crisis after identity crisis, fumbling. The freedom I cling to has become a barrier as so many options lay in front of me that I am paralysed by choice, not to mention the familiar sense of not knowing what I ultimately want to do with my life. I do not now, nor have I ever, had a clear vision of what I wanted. I’ve been a blackbird lost in a storm, enjoying transient moments of calmness within the eye before recklessly throwing myself into the wall to face the next challenge head-on. I did it to survive, to fight, to feel strong… now my muscles are so heavy I grow tired easily, still with nowhere to roost that feels right.

Symbolically I’ve always known this… nearly a decade ago I had the scene inked into my skin. You perched blissfully on your comfy branch back at home, stable and stoic… me up and flying off… it never occurred to me you’d ever felt like I left you behind; miss me. How could I ever expect you to understand what I didn’t understand myself? And, for all my brainy intellect, I remain woefully ignorant despite what feels like five lifetimes of lessons and jarring human experiences crammed into less than half a typical lifespan. Ironically, you are as strong if not stronger than me through staying… But then we always shared our delight in irony.

I left to heal, I left to discover myself, I left to find happiness, to ‘feel out’ where the hell I belonged… What I’ve discovered leaves me as confused as ever. Here I sit a million miles away from where started, yet somehow right back where I began. Lost and confused, not knowing where my home is… Yes my mind, heart and Soul have changed in many ways, yet I’m living this strange exquisite Universal irony of losing her all over again, just in a different form… supporting another person with her name, feeling that familiar grief. Suddenly I get it, she used to call me her heart, drunkenly slurred but purely authentic, I was her heart… just as I’m realising that you are mine, and my home is where my heart can be found whenever I sense it's lost.

All that said, I honestly have no regrets. I’m grateful for each and every lesson this lifetime has afforded me, thankful for the resilience I’ve cultivated, and profoundly humbled by all the connections I’ve made across this Earth. More and more of late, however, I feel that true thriving is not somewhere I have to try and find, it’s following my moral compass and trusting the rest to fall into place no matter how terrifying or uncomfortable. That compass has been recalibrated many times as I evolve, reshaping the scars of my past into new mindsets and ways of being, informed equally by my rational mind, compassionate heart and my gypsy Spirit.

This song wholeheartedly touches me because in it I hear you calling me home, for the first time, and it's agonising. Though I’m finally strong enough and there is no one on this Earth I’d rather grow old with ... still I cannot go back. I may not know where I belong, I only know that it is not there. The pain my heart suffers as I listen to this song, as I think of you, is the price I pay for freedom; something my Spirit demands. But yes, my heart will always pull me towards my home, towards you... inspiring the internal friction and the next storm brews. Another opportunity to gauge my compass. 🧭🐇

Perhaps I don’t belong there because I belong everywhere else, to continue my adventures and worldly connections with as many other human Souls as possible. Regardless, thank you for sending me this song, thank you for helping me understand my own heart on a deeper level; most importantly, thank you for wholly accepting all that I am and all that I am not, sacrificing your sisterly love so I am free to fulfill my purpose. 

Original Publication Date 12 May 2024