One Fool's Emotional Adventure

While stretching this morning I got into a bit of an esoteric conversation, as I do, with one of my fellow gym rats. I'm not sure how it even came up, but he brought up revolving mental thoughts, shit going round and round on a continuous loop like a broken record which afflicts a large portion of the human population, driving us mad. Certainly a topic I 'thought' I understood well having written about it before, but after six laborious years of self-awareness expanding 'fun' I now realise I've only just started to actually practice this process and let the repetitious bastards go... not by attempted suppression (which is how we all start out I dare say, and also utter folly) but by authentic implementation of emotional intelligence (EQ) and the due process of letting go. Jesus, that affirms what I've suspected is the hardest part about dealing with life issues and making positive changes on a deeper level, mainly that knowing 'what' I need to do to be happier and more serene is easy. The crux is figuring out the 'how' and actually achieving those changes in a meaningful way so that they are sustainable; six bloody years?! And hell, being completely honest, I'm still perpetually befuddled by the 'shit' that happens to me and throws me down still deeper rabbit holes! 🐇🐇🐇

Inside I'm laughing however, because I love the glorious irony of it all... the very frustration I feel is what makes me pursue these profound contemplations time and again, and by the end of this article I hope the hilarity of it all becomes rather transparent.

I'll admit I'm deep down the emotional healing rabbit hole, and I intend to stay here because the fundamental changes that have transpired as a result are well worth the effort. By effort I mean terrifying confrontations about myself, my past and who I authentically am, meditation, trusting my intuition, daily journaling, walking around Mount Taranaki and tears; lots and lots of tears. Oh, and the odd bought of swearing so profusely that anyone overhearing me might assume I have turrets syndrome. Anyway, circling back to where I started this tale, ever-eager to 'show off' my new and improved way of life I told my gym buddy that those thoughts would cycle until he let them out, talked about them. He said he was and I pointed out that all he was talking about was their mere presence, not what they actually were, to which he responded that he couldn't; it wasn't an acceptable subject to discuss. Uh huh, exactly! In his head those thoughts will remain until he's willing to own them and let them go. When I suggested he explore that notion and talk to a trusted friend, he mentioned that's what dogs were for, and sure, whoever or whatever, just talk it out... but I also needed to point out that he did not, in fact, have a dog. Humans are extremely proficient at finding convenient excuses to avoid the discomfort of pausing to process our own thoughts, emotions and resulting behaviors. 😂😇🐇

From there I mentioned that I talk to my car a lot, telling him about the epic time I released a hell of a lot of anger about my ex-partner and his family. With tears and an extremely liberal use of the term 'a pack of C*#$s', I finally got to vent the injustice I felt during that relationship and expressed my emotions in a safe environment. Afterward I even thanked Raven (my car) for her help in soaking up the shit-storm of emotions. My friend gave me a look I'm all too familiar with: 'What is this squirrely enigma on about?' He went on to explain that when we think of others as assholes, we need to realise that we're actually the jerks; it is our response to people, situations and experiences that is the issue, NOT the actual people, situations or experiences.

Raven was always happy to let me beat of her steering wheel. That's love. 

Hmm, I'm familiar with this line of thinking; it's Buddhist in nature. During said ex-relationship I sought a way to calm the fighting in my head so that I'd stop fighting my partner by visiting a Buddhist centre every week, hoping to gain some clarity and serenity... hoping to 'fix' myself. This ideal, that it is our response to issues that are the actual issue, made sense to me and I strove to embed it into my life. It even felt empowering because I had the control, I had the ability to control my emotions! Or not. I'd fail time and again, things my partner said and did continued to send me through the roof. Afterwards I'd beat myself up for getting upset. Seriously, I left black and blue marks on my self esteem I felt so much shame. Why couldn't I just keep it in and be calm?! I thought there was something wrong with me. Given my turbulent childhood and accumulation of mental health labels, it was certainly easy to believe. 'Who in their right mind would want to be with me?' I'd think... I felt horribly flawed and broken. BLEAK 😅

Now, having done the work I've done in the emotional space, I boldly declare this sentiment is pure and utter bullshit... the f*%@ing Buddhists can keep their lofty concept, for now [I'll contradict this below].... It wasn't sitting well with me and I understood why; it encourages us to suppress our emotions at best, and blame ourselves for feeling anything but calm and serene at worst. Both of which result in decreased self-respect and trust in our emotions and intuitive intelligence. Every emotion has a function, and when our emotions say 'they're being a dick!' it's to help us slow down and question the situation; to ask 'am I staying true to who I am and what I want?' In the case of relationships the fear of being alone usually keeps us where we are, inspiring feelings of entrapment and disempowerment which in turn results in a decreased sense of worth; perpetuating the vicious cycle.

Let me be quite clear, I'm not saying that we shouldn't take responsibility for our emotions.

Feeling emotions does not mean we necessarily need to express those emotions. This is a central concept of Emotional Intelligence, and probably what the Buddhists were actually trying to communicate. Our response to triggers and stimuli do, indeed, need to be carefully assessed, questioned, held up to the light of our conscious for meticulous examination and re-assembled to take out any unnecessary or inappropriate hangovers from our past experiences and/or trauma. Otherwise we'll end up shooting a McDonald's employee for giving us Coke instead of Diet Coke because that is what chronically suppressed anger looks like after forty years. Not pretty. I'll own that I chose to be with that particular person. I chose to stay in that particular situation because I felt myself in love... who else was going to love me? 

So yes, my responses were the issue because I chose to ignore my other non-loving emotions, the warning signs that I shouldn't continue the path I was on, that I was unhappy and devaluing myself by assuming that I was the broken one... Yet I lacked the courage to be honest with myself and leave before it inevitably went pear-shaped and I was left.

Learning to control our reactions to people and situations instead of blaming them directly takes a hell of a lot of EQ and that does not just happen, it takes work and authentic bravery. It takes extreme honesty with ourselves on all levels; mental, emotional and spiritual. Back then, I wasn't ready to hang with the Buddhists, I was still attached and egoically invested in my emotions, had to have someone to blame even if that person was me. I couldn't yet comprehend this esoteric theory so I assumed I was deficient intellectually and emotionally... I wasn't yet accepting of myself, trusting of myself, on the level required to discern that, with time and practice, I'd come to see what the hell the funny little Buddhists were on about.

Hilariously, I thought I could 'fix' myself and keep it all bottled up in my head the way my friend does (to their detriment, I might add) until I read a book that convinced me otherwise. This book insisted that we had to share our 'shame stories' to work our shit out. When I first read that theory something inside me recoiled. Stuff that! I could handle my own issues in-house without infecting others with my toxic bullshit! Well guess what, if I could it bloody well wouldn't have taken me over six years to make this much progress in my meandering personal development journey. Especially considering I thought I had it 'all figured out' back them... such naivete! 😅 The only thing I'm certain of now is that the more I know, the less intelligent I feel. Why? It's a bit like reaching the top of one summit only to discover all the other ranges I must cross; mountains I didn't even know existed until I finally reached the first peak! The difference is my mindset. Before I would've cried in despair, now I laugh and feel grateful for the lifetime of adventure ahead. 

Kevin Biggar's Definition of Adventure. I love it!

My lifestyle and general demeanour almost certainly appear crazy. In fact, I distinctly remember rattling off the various mental illness diagnoses I've received throughout my life with a friend, followed by my assertion that I've never felt more sane despite these stigmas. I then followed it up with a hearty helping of maniacal laughter. Oh yes, to others I must seem utterly twisted! Whole, authentic and worthy, not to mention infinitely less anxious, is how I actually feel. 

My whacky way of life basically involves allowing myself to feel whatever and however I feel without trying to justify it or beating myself with a naughty stick because others may not like it; I choose to defy social standards so I can stay true to myself. It's not easy, it takes conscious effort each and every day. But if appearing nutty is the price I have to pay, done deal! Hell, I'll pay double! The relief from a lifetime of bottled up stress and suppressed emotions is priceless, not to mention the profound elevation of my self esteem. I now appreciate all of my emotions, the good, the bad and the ugly. They are all intuitive signals that one of my values and/or beliefs or being poked-at, just as physical pain cues me to the fact that I'm hurt and need healing and time to reflect on how I landed in that state. All of our sensations deserve consideration, compassion, acceptance and celebration (yes, even the grief and heartbreak!); they teach us what we like and what we don't like, how secure we feel in ourselves or how safe, they define our boundaries.

We were born to feel, to be human, so live! Dig deep, get amongst it. 🙏💖🐇

My Recommendations for Emotional Healing Work:
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
- This inspired nearly everything I wrote related to Self Worth.

The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford
- A powerful resource to recognise, own and even love our inner shadows... the worst of who we are.

Side Note on Humility: There used to be a point in time when I'd rather slash my wrists with a dull and rusty butter knife than read 'self-help' books. I had my issues, but I was strong dammit! A fighter! Oh, I was a fighter all right, but the only person I was fighting was myself and that's a lose-lose situation. Every living breathing human has issues with their emotions, it's a consequence of the human condition. Suck it up, read this stuff. What's the worst that could happen? 😂🐇꩜

Original Publication Date 30 December 2018, Revised 19 February 2023

Worth

I'm a runner, yes it's true;
But does anyone wonder where I'm running to?

I run forward, I never go back;
Still, somedays I really miss my little cat.

She lives with her Dad now, we all know what it's like;
I got her for him, I thought it would stop the fights.

But the fight was inside me, it was never going to stop;
Until that fateful day when I completely lost the plot.

It was never about him, it was all about me;
I was trapped inside my head, fighting to break free.

Since then I've changed so much, it feels as though I've experienced rebirth;
The fights have all but ceased, I finally feel my worth.

Falling Down The Rabbit Hole

A change. No, not simply a change, a fundamental shift. How am I ever to articulate the transition from who I was, to who I am, to becoming who I’m meant to be? A future version of me I've not met yet, teeming with the potential of the unknown... How can anyone for that matter? Is not the culmination of these transitions called life; our own personalised evolution as Human beings? And how do we really know these various iterations of ourselves anyway? Are we what we think? How we feel? What we do? Or some baffling combination of the three? What lay hidden beyond our wakeful minds that we couldn't fathom in our wildest dreams? 🐇🤯💣🐇

And so my hyper-analytical mind has obviously not left me, but I process what I’ve experienced over the last 15 months by creating an entirely new blog since my musings have moved away from hard science into a Universe where everything and anything is possible, as I embrace the weird and wonderful. Here I'll begin to explore the staggeringly complicated interactions between all that resides within the human complex: Mind, Body, Spirit and everything in between. Why? Well, because undertaking this expedition has somehow morphed me from chronic people pleaser, anxiety-ridden rage-o-holic, control-freak extraordinaire, dry-drunk addict, starving myself into senility due to an unhealthy relationship with fear and food, confused cyclone of once-suppressed emotions, to the healing mess of a compost heap that I am now and whom I love dearly. So many times during my life I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be... I was a tumbleweed, too afraid to lay roots, blown about by life's gusts and the wind of other people’s emotions. An insecure young gypsy without boundaries or self worth; my inner compass spinning wildly as if stationed at the Bermuda Triangle.

 

But I’m getting ahead of myself, as I do. I started Analytical Ramblings of a Scientific Mind because I threw myself into self-facilitated Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) after the end of my first major relationship and needed a way to linearise all the light bulbs it started setting off in my mind. I somehow knew I needed to change if I was going to repair my life and build healthy connections with the world and people in it. But F*$! if life hadn't dealt me some blows! Traumas that created entrenched self-defeating thoughts, emotions and behaviours I was hopeless to heal until I learned how to own them. I wasn't ready to undertake said healing, however, as I was only into the first layer of the onion. My internal relationship was still a bit rubbish so despite everything I'd written about and learned from my CBT, I repeated the cycle in another romantic affair about six years later. F&*#-ing BLEAK!

So guess what, this blog comes into fruition for the same reasons as the first; another ending leads to a beginning. I'm an onion layer deeper!... And, here's hoping there is no third (but there definitely will be). 😅💩🙏

Ever the perfectionist, at first this all had me feeling more than a bit embarrassed. WTF?! Hadn’t I learned? Hadn’t I changed? Hadn’t I already been through this BULLSHIT? How the hell could I have allowed another broken relationship to happen?! Ironically my vocation at the time as an instructor in lean manufacturing principles and effective problem solving led me to the obvious conclusion... I had addressed the direct causes of my underlying issues (i.e., the first onion layer), but not the root causes; the deeply seated patterns in my hard-wiring that made my life a groundhog day of what felt like life kicking me in the methaphorical nuts. Where would I find the strength to undertake another eye-watering layer?

I needed a passageway, like my previous CBT resource, some process to follow... and judgment be damned, what resonated with me at that fateful time was Tarot. I'm not going to bother delving into what Tarot is and isn't, it's a topic I get rather heated about if anyone ever wants to offer me a long black and let me rant for an hour. Hell, I couldn't even put a link to 'Tarot' because everything the internet has to say about it rightously enrages me. 🤦😂💭🙋

I can only say it’s not something I'd recommend for those leery of painstaking introspection. Imagine 'boot camp' for people with a high degree of self-awareness and emotional empathy, or perhaps a ‘school of hard knocks’ for developing healers. Summarily it was three parts magic, one part practicality and eights parts confrontation of my inner shadows (i.e., those shitty qualities which promote a sense of shame). It was a combination of starting an epic adventure facilitated by The Fool, reading books that spoke to my Spirit and introduced me to mind-blowing concepts, and exploring the emerging topic of emotional intelligence (EQ) through a series of leadership courses offered through my work. During this time I made shocking discovery after shocking discovery about myself. I found my aforementioned self-awareness had been a double-edged sword, a weapon I repeatedly misused. Instead of wieldlng it to cut back and free myself of the cobwebs spun by self-sabotaging brain spiders, I cut myself by dealing blows of chronic mistrust and self-punishment. I'd still be bleeding if it hadn't been this Tarot-inspired pilgrimage of internal exploration, and the conscious choice of self-acceptance.

It’s been an absolute whirlwind of significant changes. Indeed, the person who is sitting down with my laptop now may look the same, but I am a completely different person. I’ve learned how to get out of my Head and into my Body, Heart and Spirit, living a more integrated and whole way of being. BALANCED. The overall effect has led to a kind of freedom; freedom to be my true unconventional Self, unapologetically. Welcome to the Rabbit Hole! 🐇

It’s now about asking the tough questions, shining the light inwards to find the answers by expanding our awareness; at times methodically turning the subconscious into the conscious, and at other times going completely on innate intuition. It’s also about coming to terms with the fact that sometimes there are no answers, and we need to get on with life despite the uncomfortable void that uncertainty leaves behind. Most importantly, it’s about tackling that most elusive of self-development topics: learning to restore our internal relationship and attain authentic love within; I say 'restore' because we damn-sure weren't born hating ourselves! Elucidating the path to finding our unadulterated-selves, which it is not a path of sunshine and daisies necessarily. Traversing this terrain takes serious courage and a genuine willingness to confront the nastiest parts of ourselves and show them some love. 😈😇

I write with aspirations of expanding the awareness of others using the same tools that have helped me: relatable yet poignant stories, sensible and effective analogies, and above all, a relentless sense of irony and humour! For maximum absorption, please read with an open and reflective mind, asking ourselves the meaningful questions: Why do I think that way? Why do I feel that way? Why did I do that?

Lean-In. Go gently. 🐇💖🙏

Taking the leap into this inquisitive mindset requires bravery, a bit of foolishness, risk-taking, and a willingness to tackle our own bullshit and self-imposed limitations. Remaining a victim of luck and circumstance is easy, feels safe, and gives us an excuse to maintain status quo; a dismal place wherein we blame others for our own unhappiness. As painful as its' been at times, I'm eternally grateful to have outgrown that mindset enough to see the value in this nutty quest, to propel me ever-forward.

Original Publication Date 07 December 2018, 11 June 2023

Waking Up To Worth

When I was in my late teens I went to a renaissance fair and had my palm read. I remembered feeling quite anxious and exposed. Though I put on a great act of unrelenting optimism and happiness to everyone else, this Crone saw through my façade. She told me that I was one of the saddest people she had ever seen; I felt it, I couldn’t even attempt to defend myself against the validity of her words. Christ, $50 was quite a bit to pay to confront my worst fears. I was broken and everyone would know, no one in their right mind would ever love me. But I missed the point that day; she tried to show me a way forward to discovering my sense of worth. Instead, I didn’t even see myself as worthy enough to make a start. We have to walk before we can run.

Many years later, and a world away, I took a spontaneous trip to Hawaii simply because Air New Zealand had cheap tickets. True to my extremely unique nature, I packed a couple of books and running shoes then took off for 9 days dedicated to my favourite hobbies: mindful self-reflection, journaling, running and hiking. I mistakenly assumed the book I brought for a bit of light contemplation would help me begin to shift my obsession with perfection and control, and understand why people develop and maintain perfectionist traits, even to their own detriment (I don’t know any perfectionist that doesn’t drive themselves crazy on a fairly regular basis, and/or expect too much of themselves and others). What happened during those 136 pages, however, was so transformative that I’ve been inspired to revive my blog, having found something truly worth writing about; the concept of worth itself!

I’ll admit up front, this is very personal stuff, humiliating really. The horrifying process of assessing, questioning, re-assessing, pondering, re-re-assessing, owning, understanding and protecting our self worth is not for the faint of heart. My half-assed courage paid off ten fold, as this became a path to unlocking the elusive concept of loving myself. Ah, that fickle mistress! Self-acceptance and love is something we all intuitively know we need for healthy relationships and happier lives; but how?! They are now little more than superficial spiritual Facebook memes. Empty words. We all think we have it, yet how often do we catch ourselves saying things like:

• “I’m such an asshole!”
• “Why I can’t keep my mouth shut?”
• “I can’t possibly ask for help, others might think I’m stupid.”
• “I wish I looked like a super model.”
• “Life would be so much easier if I had more money.”
• “Why don’t people see what I do for them and appreciate it?!”
• “I should eat better, I’m so unfit!”
• “I’d love to tell that person to go f*$% themselves, but that’s not very nice and people would think I’m mean.”
• "I'm sorry if I ... [fill in the blank]"

Sad but devastatingly true, these are all signifiers that we feel we are somehow lacking in who we are and what we have; we’re not quite who we want to be or have what we think we need. Or we’ve somehow lost the plot, and deviated from the person we intended to be. The cumulative result? Insecurity in all its various and interesting forms; the creation of shadows as we run, hide from, and hate those aspects of ourselves that we find so very un-loveable.

Shit like this only serves to make us feel even worse for not loving ourselves; hardly helpful!

Unfortunately, social conditioning makes the statements above seem completely normal. It’s what we hear all around us, on the TV, in movies, and on social media. The world we live in tells us we are what we do and what we have, that our worth must be earned. Well, here I go, I’m climbing out on a very thin branch to scream to the far reaches of the Earth: BULLSHIT! (And I’m probably loud enough to pull it off 😅)

I can now say from experience that having an authentic sense of self worth is a bit like having a panic attack or an orgasm; once it happens, asking if it happened is laughably pointless because the feeling is not something we can ever forget. And there it is. Self worth, love and acceptance on the deepest level, is not something we think we have it’s something we feel; a tingle that emanates to every cell in our body; a knowing.

The fact is that we are all human, gorgeously strange, perfectly flawed and completely limited humans. Regardless of the beliefs pertaining to why we’re here or what the point of living on this orb made of mostly Carbon, Nitrogen, Hydrogen and Oxygen may be, we were all born with worth; an inherent value that does not need to be earned or maintained. We were never without it, nor can we ever truly loose it; but we come pretty damn close when we pour our sense of worth into the material shit we own, and/or the love and approval of other humans (whether friend, family, celebrity, work-colleague or stranger).

How did reading that feel? Is it believable? 🐇

Don’t be discouraged if it’s not, we are conditioned to perceive worth as something that is tangible, transactional, assigned and/or earned by people, social status, jobs, etc. The concept of simply being worthy is not ‘normal,’ and can actually lead others to see us as selfish just by putting our own needs before others. Here I go out on my limb again: BULLSHIT!

So, what’s the how? What might help us find a way to re-discovering our worth? I say re-discovering because as infants we didn't feel we had to earn love, food and protection from their parents. 

Anyway, here’s an analogy to help:

1. Choose an item that has high material or sentimental 'value.' A heaping pile of whichever commodity one might be loathe to part from such as a stack of gems, blank checks signed by Donald Trump, rare books, a stack of classic rock CDs, the gold coins from Pirates of the Caribbean, irreplaceable pictures of loved ones, or Mac iBooks. Ideally, it personally signifies pricelessness, beyond material worth.
2. Assume the position! Let’s envision ourselves as this valuable commodity. For example, 'I’m a pretty pile of emeralds.'
3. Imagine every human interaction is a decision to either give a piece of our treasure away or keep it for ourselves, then consider how we might re-assess the day-to-day choices we make, and who is truly worthy of our riches. 
4. We’re having a shit day….. How often do we start out already feeling insecure and worthless, but instead of protecting what we have left we frivolously dole it out, hoping that someone else will re-build our stores? The result is typically devastating disappointment when they fail to validate our worth. We spend and spend with nothing being given back... and before we know it, we're bankrupt.
5. Work towards the confronting realisation that the only person who has any right to give us worth is ourselves, and ourselves alone... And yes, that also means we have no right to assign anyone else’s worth; aka being a Judgy McJudgy-Pants. 👉
6. If we can't freely give away a pearl without creating a resentment against the recipient, whether concious or sub-conscious, then we're best to hold onto it. Some call is selfish, I call it self care.

On the days we feel stripped down to one, trying to give anything away will literally require us to break.

Here’s the thing, once we get a glimpse of true self-acceptance and love, learn to protect and own our worth by practicing caring for ourselves in every choice we make; we discover that it is a conscious decision to continue offering ourselves to our partners, kids, parents, jobs, friends, communities, etc. We’re mindfully giving away a piece of our treasure, and sharing it because we know deep down there is an inexhaustible supply. Security. We can make more anytime we want by practicing self-care instead of needing to extract it from others via reciprocity, people pleasing or even manipulation.

Please keep this concept in mind while reading my epic misadventures, mortifying glimpses at how I established, maintained and subsequently depleted my self worth. Scrutinising all the false and limiting beliefs and conditions that kept the concept of self-acceptance and love perpetually out of my reach, and tales of spending my worth in all the wrong places, each in the hilarity and wisdom of 20/20 hindsight. My ambition is to convince readers that this courageous work is well worth the effort. When we learn to consciously give our time, money, love or attention authentically, from a place of security and self worth, we can 'make it rain' on others without spending a dime or needing anything in return.

Follow-On Works for Context and a Good Laugh…. Or Cry 😂😋😅

Fighting for Funds
Costly Conditioning
Protecting The Pearls

Parental Permission

Spin Offs:
One Fool's Emotional Adventure
Sisterly Admiration
The Spectrum
Bah Bah Black Sheep
Emotional Dichotomy

Who the Hell Just Said That?!
Good Enough

Self-Love Vs. Self-Acceptance

The book that effected this transformation was Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection; a book to be read when we have the courage to confront our own shame stories, or when we’re on vacation and fancy a life-altering experience while trying to avoid sand on a tiny island.

Original Publication Date 07 December 2018, Revised 28 September 2022

Audio Version:

Fighting For Funds

I’m not sure how it came up exactly, but one day my best friend and flat mate shared that what he liked about me was my confidence. Somewhere deep inside I experienced a devious feeling, like a mean-natured critic who said, “I’ve fooled another one.” That wasn’t even the worst part, I also felt strong sensations of both fear and sadness. The truth was that I felt broken, ever since I could remember. I lived in fear of others seeing through my façade, but also disappointed that they failed to recognise my underlying pain and need for love and comfort. What I see now, in 20/20 hindsight, is that I wasn’t broken, but my self-worth meter sure as shit wasn’t calibrated correctly either. It got knocked off-kilter at an extremely young age. This is life, folks. The following is what it looks like when I felt shame and tried to live by begging others to give me worth, instead of feeling secure in my authentic pricelessness.

Of course, I didn’t fully understand those ‘I’m an imposter’ sensations at the time. I did in fact feel confident most of the time and in most situations because confidence typically comes from experience, and f*$% if I hadn’t been through some shit! Looking back at just some of what I’ve accomplished and overcome: I moved out of the house at a young age and supported myself with multiple jobs through high school, I was the first person in my family to go to college and went all the way to a Masters degree in Biological Sciences, I lived through the pain of losing a very close yet drug and alcohol addicted Sister, I suffered with periods of such extreme panic and anxiety that I became agoraphobic, I became determined to get healthy and lost over half my body weight (125lbs/57kg), I experienced the devastation of a mysterious falling out with my best friend of 13 years, I began to climb the ranks of the pharmaceutical quality and manufacturing world, I discovered that I’d never be able to bare child due to a combination of cervical cancer and early onset menopause, I lived through the shock of ending my first long-term relationship, I climbed four of the highest peaks in the Colorado Rockies, I bought a beautiful house before I was 30 and paid off all my debts, I travelled throughout parts of Europe and went to India for work, when certain shit hit the fan and my simple Kansas life went pear-shaped I remembered my lifelong dream of moving abroad and left for New Zealand with little more than a backpack, I got a job and New Zealand residency in record time, made friends and explored its beautiful bush and fjords, when it became clear that a career in pharmaceuticals wasn’t going to workout here I started my own business as a Personal Trainer to some success, I endured the pain of ending my second long-term relationship and accompanying breakdown; yet somehow here I am, a marathon-running operational excellence coach for the largest company in New Zealand. I look back and it’s as if all that happened to someone else, I’m a completely different person.

Gaining a sense of authentic confidence, security, is like climbing a mountain. Hard, but well worth the effort and sense of achievement.💖🐇

Those transitions paralleled lots of other things such as covering myself with tattoos, at times drinking enough booze and/or taking enough caffeine to kill a small-to-medium-sized animal and making other fun yet often ill-advised decisions, mostly pertaining to the endless pursuit of love and happiness. Oh, and I couldn’t keep my mouth shut to save my life 😅. After all of that I’m most grateful to finally realise that broken doesn’t mean worthless, but it can lead to dangerous levels of insecurity and leave me emotionally bankrupt. Luckily, worth does not have to be earned, but damn if that isn’t hard to remember when I feel ashamed of somehow not achieving what is expected of me from others or myself.

Instead of permitting my adventures-to-date inspire a sense of accomplishment, it seemed everything I’ve overcome only put more obstacles in my way. Though each was certainly a blessing in its way, they also left lasting imprints on my psyche and scars on my body. Along with accumulating experiences, I also accumulated baggage with little-to-no value. Most originated from my childhood, as it does, which I laboriously dragged into my adulthood while also desperately attempting to hide it and function like a healthy human being. Like some sort of neurotic Santa Clause with a bag of BULLSHIT ready to dole out in the form of chronic approval-seeking, victim stories and false portrayals of superiority. A bag I covered with glitter to fool everyone into thinking it was stuffed with chocolates and puppies, so they’d love me and want me to share my gifts. There were no puppies, but there was a deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection that influenced nearly every aspect of my life, ghosts from my past that haunted every step I took. Craving the love I never quite received in my emotionally turbulent youth, I gave everything I had and everything I was to others. When they failed to reciprocate and deliver, I perceived it as neglect because that’s what I was accustomed to feeling, unworthy of affection and attention. BLEAK! 🐇

Looking back I see those experiences were underlined with the pain and fear I’ve always tried to keep hidden by projecting confidence in my speech and manner. It’s time to take an ugly look at the embarrassing cycle that led to this formidable catalogue. Succinctly, since my own sense of worth is derived from others I put a lot of effort into doings things for people, and take care of everyone but myself. Whether it's at work or in my personal life, people fail to appreciate me the way I think they should or in a way I can recognise. I impatiently wait for everyone to ‘come to their senses’ and realise what a priceless gem I am... apologise, tell me how great I am; in short, validate my worth. Devastation inevitably ensued when the words were never said, and their appraisals fell vacant.

All of this completely eluded my consciousness, of course. This is what it looks like when subconscious thought patterns control conscious behaviours. I truly had good intentions, but for all the wrong reasons. For me, discovering my genuine worth meant putting a stop to this old cycle, to magically turn confidence into security by establishing, owning and protecting my own worth. Realising that I don’t need to earn it, or to have it stamped as ‘valid’ by others estimation of me. Treasuring my gifts instead of continually fighting for funds by allowing others to assess my inherent value. My worth belongs to me, and me alone.

Original Publication Date 07 December 2018, Revised 28 March 2023