Episode 22: Joyous Japan

Part 1: Unexpected Skills & Cultural Nuances

Part 2: Small World Synchronicities & Auntie Pride

Part 3: Bleak Bombs, Pristine Toilets & Family Values

Part 4: Tour & Travel Recommendations

Part 5: Key Insights & Existential Gratitude

Photos & Videos by Day

NOTE: Click this view to see pictures from specific posts (i.e. By day instead of entire album)

Fortuitous Forty

My 40th year is upon me, and I hope like f&$! this cliche holds true! Four decades, and true to my inherently reflective nature, I wonder... What the shit do I have to show for it? What have I learnt?

The former question sits within a dark abyss of complex emotions... so let's just leave it for now, shall we? The latter question seems more do-able. 😇💩

Thanks to Facebook memories, my CV, and key blog articles I've penned (typed?), it's not terribly difficult to discern where my Mind, Heart and Spirit were at throughout these informative years. And thank goodness, because if I had to rely on my own memory, I'd make an absolute dogs-breakfast of this reflection. Ironically, I'm grateful for my blogs in a whole new sense now. Look, I realise I'm no author or influencer with my words, but nevertheless they serve an important purpose for me; through the lulls and mania, I wrote or didn't write. My periods of silence as 'loud' as my bursts of creativity. My written and spoken words are the gifts I offer this world, capable of motivational inspiration but also great ire in others. 😅🤷 

Nevertheless, I could not have accomplished the self-development I've managed without these expressions. My blogs articles have facilitated my learnings and self-actualisation, shared in my vain hopes it will have a parallel impact on others who relate to my insights. So to whoever is reading/has read, thank you, may they continue to serve us well in some way... And hell, there's always a hope I'll be famous posthumously! 🙏🐇😇😆

Anyway, before I get too esoteric, on the whole, all I am certain of is... well... my thirties were... a total mind-f*$! if I'm honest. Wonderfully, epically, WEIRD. These were the experimental years, each of which included deliberate analysis, disassembly and reassembly of who I am; a complete rewiring as I shifted over time and became who I am now... Sometimes loving that person, sometimes hating her... somehow always finding a place of peaceful acceptance. There's been a plethora of battle scars, but also amazing miracles and adventures too, that's life. 🤔🌈

Short reflections for each year, along with my favourite article from the blog archives and pictures of my aging process to follow... 💖🙈🙉🙊💖

2014 (30): Life finds ways to remind us of our dreams, and sometimes kicks our ass out the door if we forget about them. 

Ahhh, what a trip down memory lane, I actually remember this birthday! I was a Kansas homeowner working overnight shifts at both the Pharmaceutical plant and McDonald's. I invited both groups of work friends over and sure enough, they mixed like oil and water. 🤣 The main highlight was my McD friends creating a predictable level of drama, getting hammered, acting childish, overloading my porch swing and causing it to fall down. 'Luckily', my exit strategy to NZ was already in place 'thanks' to a situation that forced me to confront a deep knowing in myself... To be fair, nothing short of this debacle was going to push my comfort-zone clinging, this-is-what-life-is-meant-to-be, conditioned mind past the fear of living my dream; ironically allowing me to literally take flight. 🛫

Birth of a Kiwi (30/05/2014): Holds some gory details around my US exit, and a solid lesson in the repercussions of shit-talking your manager in a country where 'you're fired' is both serious and immediate. 😳

Making 'lemonade' from my sour life lesson by using the stand-down time from my soon-to-be-ex-career to go to Germany and catch up with a couple of my best friends from University. 🍋😅😎 (13/05/2014)

2015 (31): Sweating Cortisol is a real thing; the Universe tested my strength and dammit, I'll f*$!ing swim to NZ if needed! 

Physically getting myself to NZ was literally the most challenging test of my human resolve that I've ever faced, and it was probably the first time I realised that 'the easy way' just wasn't going to be my life path... in any situation. 🤷 [Note: Existentially, without victim-blaming, I'm still trying to discern how much my underlying assumptions plays a part it that. i.e. If I expect life to be tough/assume I can only learn and grow through pain... well, that's what I manifest because 'thoughts expand' according to eastern spiritual doctrine.] 

Anyway, LOOK OUT NZ, HERE I COME! Despite mild culture shock, largely centred around confusion over produce items like courgettes, capsicum and sultanas, I easily settled into NZ life. Highlights included breathing in the amazingly refreshing NZ air as I quickly started doing every tramp I could find, securing a new job, making some great friends, and by far the biggest win of obtaining NZ Residency in record time; which meant my one-year working holiday visa could be extended indefinitely! Finally, after a lifetime of searching, I was home. 🏡💖

US Exodus Chronicles: A horroring and nearly unbelievable series of events

• Day Zero: SNAFUs #1 and #2 (07/02/2015)
• Sweet Mother Mary and Joseph: I Finally Made It Out! (08/02/2015)

I wasn't in NZ yet, but hell, at least I made it to Australasia! 🌏 

2016 (32): All work and lots of play makes Summer a busy-as Squirrel.

Thanks to my tendency to be absorbed in relationships and work, this was a fairly uneventful year on paper yet quite eventful in a social sense, with heaps of flat parties and friendships formed. After I got my Kiwi residency and no longer needed a 'credible' job in the view of the NZ immigration bureau, I took a real gamble and started my own personal training business, Squirrel Fitness! 💪👏

Exercise: Push Through or Pull Out? (18/10/2016)

My mate Col and I at a friend's wedding. We used to go for weekly walks and coffee dates. A top chick! 💕

2017 (33): We are not Humans having a spiritual experience, we're Spirits having a human experience.

I'm fairly certain this is the year I forgot how old I was, and my sister and I found out (the hard way) that we both base internal awareness of our age by the fact that we're 14 months apart. I couldn't remember how old I was because she couldn't remember how old she was, and vice versa. 🤣

Oh boy, and was there ever some drama early in this year... 💩💣

On a semi-related note, I moved to Taranaki and committed to 'Dairy for Life' this year! A wise choice indeed. 🐄😉

E = mc^2: The Many Names of Universal Energy (04/10/2017, Originally published as "Who is Monti Tao?")

Ah, the year Praying Mantises replaced all previous forms of faith.

2018 (34): A delightfully Delphic year spent dissecting self worth... while running... heaps.

After the plot twist that led to my Taranaki relocation, I undertook the emotional processing necessary through endurance running. My best insights come from moving meditation when my mind and body can wander together, and I had a hell of a lot of self worth work to sift through. Besides, nothing inspires inner strength like physical strength, I've always marveled that where the Body goes the Mind will follow, and vice versa. Though it rarely feels like it, it's our conscious choice that determines which is leading. 🧠😅😇

Waking Up to Worth (14/04/2018)

The only feeling better than crossing a finish line 42.2km from its start is the hot shower and turkish meal afterward. 🎽🏃😋 

2019 (35): When I know what I want, I don't hesitate...

Goodness, an amazing year indeed. My gorgeous then-14-year old Niece came over for a visit and I got hitched!! A subconscious indication that my previous self-worth work had manifested a love I dreamt of my entire life. Apologies, the pain of his recent passing is still a bit too fresh... so that's all I can bring myself to say. 

A Whole-Hearted Decision (15/09/2019)

We had so much fun! And I sent her ass to Hawera High School for a week for some 'Kiwi Education.' 😆🤓📚

Despite what I couldn't anticipate would come later, I back the risk to this day; loving literally every moment of my marriage, for better and for worse. Worth it. 💖💫🙏🐇💔

2020 (36): I will sacrifice a knee for a medal, which is an ironic way to back myself.

I'd find it difficult to believe if anyone forgot this year started with an epic LOCKDOWN, during which I realised the extreme gratitude of having my husband to share that experience with; we authentically had a good time and made the most of it. Since gyms were off limits, I took to training for my second marathon. Truth-be-told, I hit the wall during the previous one and wasted 20 precious minutes lying in the grass and crying. My determination was such that I felt I needed to recover that time and complete this race in under five hours. 😂⌚

And, spoiler alert, I did it! Despite the fact my right knee blew out around 38kms in, I took a handful of ibuprofen (passed to me on the run), slammed an energy drink, and said f*$# it, sub-five or bust baby!! 🤦💥 

Isolation, Grief and the Power of Choice (05/04/2020)

The best part of this marathon was watching my husband zip around on a scooter the whole time to make sure that I had what I needed. He was having a blast. 😂 Having him speed ahead of me likely motivated me more than I realised as well. 🙏💖🏃

2021 (37): Being cut in half like a rag doll, and sewn back together, is a great way to get to know my body on the deepest level... and also to get a new belly button.

My husband and I did five of NZ's great walks while no tourists were allowed in our country. My God were they ever epic, the Tongariro Northern Circuit being my favourite. I really don't think there's anything better than going bush with no phone for four days and carrying everything needed to survive over that time in a tramping pack strapped to my back like an adventure-turtle! 

As if that wasn't physically challenging enough, I flanked these tramps with major surgery. It was a procedure I'd wanted since completing my weight loss in 2008, and a saga I hope to be brave enough to write in Shape Shifter [Part 3] someday.  Intuitively, I knew I couldn't remove the one kg of excess skin until the motivation shifted from body-hate to body-love, which only took a mere thirteen years. 👀👊😅👏 

Apologies, I have no link to share for this year because I was so busy doing great walks, undergoing said surgery, and fulfilling my ambition of becoming 'Little Bo Peep' I apparently didn't have any time to write! Hand raising a day-old kid and 3-day old lamb was full on, but it was so much fun when they weren't driving me insane and eating all our plants. Watching Xena (goat) and Ellie (sheep) play and prance was a compelling time-waster! 💖😆

Turns out, this is the only type of motherhood I've even been suited for... even more true considering we rehomed them when they grew too big for us to handle. The fact it's not socially acceptable to do this with human children is the very reason I've never wanted any. 😖😝

2022 (38): Six-packs are possible, and 'some' aspects of genetics are highly advantageous.

The year started out by me setting a goal to achieve the six-pack I never thought possible after a 23-year period of morbid obesity. And all I can say is this... abs are indeed made in the kitchen as much as the gym. It requires extreme physical and mental discipline, but it is possible! Funny enough, I had confidence I could do it because I clearly carry my father's genetics and he was a legit body builder my whole life. 💪 

Speaking of my Dad, I also went back to the US for a visit this year since it had been awhile and I was fairly convinced my family had forgotten what I looked like. One of my proudest moments happened when I went to my Dad's local gym with him; the guy at the counter let me in for free and remarked "I've never been more certain that this is a man with his daughter." 

Healing for Humanity (06/06/2022)

Thanks to the permanent stitch now holding my abs in the right place, I was confident in my body's infrastructure, while my genetics gave me confidence in its muscle-building capability.
I am literally my father's clone! 💞🙌

2023 (39): To love, I require and deserve complete and unwavering HONESTY.

Woooo, this one's a bit of a write off if I'm honest. Decidedly  f&*#-ing BLEAK. I remember that first sardonic thought as I packed up what little I wanted to take with me then drove away... "Now I just need to wait for my next husband to get divorced." An insightful glimpse into how I process emotional pain with dark humour (or how I don't, more like). 😅😳

Anyway, I did what a gypsy spirit does under such circumstances and gapped it to Europe with my Sister and still-gorgeous Niece, while pondering all new levels of the never-ending self-acceptance rabbit hole. 🐇🕳🙏

A Little Prick (30/12/2023)

Iceland has no lack of outrageous waterfalls! And even in mid-Summer, it's f*$# freezing in the north. 😂⛄❅

2024 (40!): Things happen to those who persist through the struggle and wait for the Universe to bring the right opportunity. And nothing makes me feel both the strongest and weakest I've ever been than sitting with, breathing through, and accepting unmitigated misery.

Right, can't lie/won't lie... those uprocessed emotions from 2023 finally caught up with me, just in time for my 40th birthday, and shit got gloriously BLEAK... I'll leave it there. 😳

Alas, the Universe doth eventually provide the right opportunites for progress. A fateful trip to Singapore for a neuroscience-focused coaching certification course evoked many unconscious and intense insights, and I've finally got my mojo back! 😍🙆🙌💓

I needed to go through this attrocious transition into forty to finally fully recieve the critical life lesson of learning to process emotions I find distressing, instead of shoving them down then watching the shit show of self-destructive behaviours snake their way up to the surface as a result... Life, ay? 😅😵🤦‍♀️

My Universal reward for having completed that gnarly bit of substantial healing work is a year-long hiatus in Shanghai! So, here's to winging it for a year in a totally new physical, emotional and spiritual environment and culture as this gypsy takes flight once more. 😉😎

Perception Versus Reality (23/06/2024)

I LOVED Singapore, which gives me hope for the Shanghai relocation. 🎉👌 

Original Publication Date 01 September 2024

Ethereal Equation

I don't have much to say about this really, it's more about questions to ponder while digesting a seemingly uncomplicated equation. Nothing could be further from the truth however, because there are innumerable brain-busting layers to these three simple variables. For many, this effective equation is an awareness-expanding game-changer, creating rabbit hole upon rabbit hole; try not to get lost. Here we go! 🐇🕳🔦🤪

Firstly, time to get honest, we all know it's a bold-faced lie when I state 'I don't have much to say', I have plenty to say... always.  But, I'm super conscious of my Matariki Intention to softly plant seeds of awareness-raising concepts instead of pounding them down people's throats. So here's one of my first meager attempts. To set some boundaries and give myself a fighting chance, I'll attempt to mostly leave it to the questions at the end and largely let the memes do 'the talking.' There are a couple of key  themes we would do well to scrutinise first, however, to fully benefit from this psychological statement. 😅🤷✨

Mindset and Attitude are CRITICAL 🙏💞
Our reactions are inseparable from our mindset. If we believe the event has happened TO US, adopting a victim mindset, then the reaction and subsequent outcome will be vastly different than if we were to view the event as happening FOR US, seen from a growth mindset. An attitude of gratitude and willingness to learn from the event, whether we perceive it as 'good' or 'bad,' will heavily influence how we react (hell, we may choose not to react at all 🤔). 

Note: There is no victim-blaming here, no judgment, no 'right' or 'wrong'... Everyone deserves the autonomy of their responses (after all, we're each good people doing our best with what we've got), but we must also hold responsibility for the outcome(s) either way. 

Growth mindsets, gratitude, wisdom, EQ and self awareness all take time and practice to cultivate, which is why it's unsurprising that our go-to knee-jerk reactions are driven from our limbic system, based in survival, threat and fear instigated responses. We will seek to regain power and control, fight for our ingrained values, and put ourselves in a 'winning' position before we even realise what we're doing. Shit, I don't know about others, but I'll be damned if this type of response hasn't absolutely screwed me in the past. 👀👎😅

We so quickly become invested in the outcome that serves US best, gives US the most power and control, having things 'our way,' that we forget to ask others what they think, collaborating on what the outcome should be to benefit all the people impacted by the event. I can't think of a single example where asking others for their opinion hurt the outcome, but I can think of heaps of times that my decision turned out to be hilariously short-sighted. As a result, damage-control became necessary. Again, a slice of humble pie anyone? 🥧🤤😳

Shifting from our innate, anxiety-prone, threat-based and close-minded point of view to a wiser, prosocial, open-minded position, requires time! ⏰ In the short-term we need at least 15-30 seconds for the adrenaline to wear off, and in the long-term years to systematically re-wire those rapid-fire reactionary circuits to make better, BALANCED, decisions. Acknowledging that the more sustainable latter process indeed takes considerable time and inner work, I welcome everyone to do what I do in the meantime... rejoice in the hilarity of our tiny human egos, throwing adult temper tantrums when an event crops up that displeases us. We all regress and throw our toys when we feel hard-done by life's challenges, and though it may not be funny in real time, it's damn-sure amusing retrospectively. 👶🧸🤣🙄

[Shit, ok... that was a bit of a Sledgehammer-rant. I'll do better with the next point.]

Sleep On It 😴🛌
The equal sign is our signal to PAUSE. The length of the pause will be proportional to the quality of our response and thus the outcome. This is also needed to take stock of, and/or adjust our mindset... or chuckle at our own whimsy. 😉💩

[Nailed it! 🔨👍]

Questions to Consider

• What is the best long-term outcome? 
• Am I being, or will I perceived to be, an A-sshole or a balanced, emotionally intelligent person with integrity?
• What would I want to happen if there were no restraints or barriers in the way?
• Will I be PROUD of my response and the outcome in hindsight?
• What are the potential unintended consequences my response?
• Am I being authentic, and following my wise moral compass and displaying kindness / empathy / compassion, or am I lashing out because I feel hurt / disempowered / out of control / fearful / anxious?
• Will I be building TRUST and creating a safe environment for others by withholding judgment, or am I making false assumptions, listening to my brain's questionable narratives, and potentially damaging my relationships and/or reputation?
• Am I re-acting and making the issue worse, or pro-acting and leading myself and others towards an optimal solution?
• Am I likely to experience sensations of guilt or regret?
• If I make a dog's breakfast of the situation, am I willing to reflect and learn from the outcome so I can adjust my mindset/moral compass for future events?

Lastly, I'll just leave this gently here... 🙏💖😅

Original Publication Date 07 July 2024

Secrets of a Samaritan

My Sunday started off like all others, a fortified coffee (Cappuccino sachet + a heap of extra instant 😳😵) and tarot reflection, then to the gym for my beloved cardio-yoga combo. Admittedly, my latest reading left me more than a bit existentially perplexed, prompting me to re-evaluate what 'lights my inner fire' since a turbulent couple of months had me dazed and confused. I've lost my way, my sense of purpose, and I'll be the first to own that BLEAK reality. Luckily the Universe was about to present me with a great 'opportunity' to take stock and re-assess who I am, who I was and who I want to become... with the added bonus of confronting a new 'secret' identity. 😅🐇👀

As I snaked my way to the gym on the other side of town I drove past what was unmistakably an inert body laying on the sidewalk, sprawled somewhat into the road. Instead of immediately stopping to investigate, I kept driving and listened to the torrent of thoughts running through my head at break-neck speed:

• Keep driving... What if they're dead? I don't need that trauma!
• I'm sure they'll be fine... It's not that chilly... Someone else will stop.
• OMG, turn around, help them!
• Leave them to it, I can't know what state they're in or what's led them there... it's none of my business.
• What if I do help and they come-to and attack me? What if they have a weapon?
• I don't know how long it'll take if I do try and help, what if I miss my cardio time?
• Are you F*$#ING SERIOUS?! TURN AROUND AND GO HELP... AT LEAST TRY!!

I felt an extremely unpleasant mixture of thoughts, some spoken from my self-serving Asshole of a tiny human ego, interested solely in preserving myself and my own agenda... A shadow-laden voice who doubted my own inner ability to cope with whatever trauma the situation might hurl my way, and also mistrusted the unpredictable inert body that lay on the ground. Countered by my higher Self, the one developed through continual shifts in my awareness and healing work, who screamed at me, begging me to care for this poor Soul in their time of need to make sure they weren't alone and abandoned. What if it was me who needed help, for a random stranger to care for me? How many other cars had already driven past, turned a blind eye? Was I really going to ignore what I'd seen and selfishly drive on, suppress my conscious?

No, not anymore. A younger version of myself would have kept driving... has done it before I'm ashamed to admit; greedily refusing to spend my time and energy on another person. I simply am not, and can no longer be, that person anymore... So I turned around. I pulled up, knelt next to the beautiful young woman who'd obviously had a big night, still clutching her vape. It was clear she was breathing and there was nothing concerning about its rate or rhythm so I relaxed and gently tried to rouse her. When these attempts failed however, I called 111 and hailed another passing car in case I needed extra help. Luckily they didn't have the moral struggle that I had since they stopped immediately. 😂💩🤦

While talking to the 111 operator and performing the checks and preventative positioning required to keep her safe, she woke. Understandably disoriented, I did my best to keep her calm and explain how I'd found her. When I explained the ambulance was on their way as a precaution she became agitated and anxious stating she could not afford the $150 fee, she also expressed embarrassment. I felt for her and insisted on paying the fee myself to try and calm her, then chuckled as I said 'Honey, we've all done shit like this at your age... and I admire your ability to have a sleep on pavement instead of driving,' while simultaneously visualising Summer Version 1.0 either driving blind-drunk and cackling through the streets of Denver, or wandering a curvy path home for miles determinedly treking my happy-ass home after failing to tell my friends I'd left the bar... I was rather infamous for both. 🤷😅

The ambulance officers quickly understood that she was ok and said she'd only be charged a fee if they took her home, so I asked her if she was comfortable with getting a ride home with me instead. She gratefully agreed and I carefully helped her into my car... Suddenly that little prick of a voice returned in my ear:

• Sure, she seems ok now, but what if she spazes out suddenly?!
• Is she being honest about where she lives? What if it's a trap!
• She might grab the wheel, threaten me, steal the car and/or hurt me...
  

I'll be damned if our heads aren't full of survival/threat-saturated BULLSHIT🐮... I get it, that selfish voice is trying to protect me, keep me alive and out of danger... but I'm not listening. This experience has helped me re-align my moral compass and who I funadmentally am now, closer to (but not yet) the person I want to become. Despite the risk, I will trust others and do what I can to serve them. To do that a sense of security and safety must live and thrive inside me. My moral compass will go skew-whiff otherwise, as it has done for the last couple of months... Survival mode took hold of me without me realising it. 👈😳

We spoke of many things on our way to her house, but the prevailing sentiment I'll treasure is knowing that the only thing that matters, now and always, in New Zealand and all across the World, is that we look after each other; care for one another. I felt no judgment towards her, did not wonder what decisions led her to that concrete bed, I was simply relieved that she was alive and could continue sharing her light with loved ones and grow into a healthy adult made wiser from lifes' experiences. She hesitated before getting out of the car, leaned over to hug me, and my heart filled with joy and gratitude. 

I've always assumed that I was too honest to be a kind person... perhaps I'm wrong, here is an opportunity for me to observe and disqualify that limiting belief. I listened to the right voice, I cared for her and preserving her life more than I worried for my own. What's more, I didn't know it was a sweet young woman on the pavement; I would have helped anyone, no matter what state they were in because that's who I want to be dammit. I thanked the Universe for this fateful reconnection with what drives me and 'lights my inner flame'... serving and empowering others. 💞🔥

This was a reminder that I can not do that unless I challenge my innate narcissistic demons and PAUSE long enough to realise the glorious IRONY at play; this life may seem superficially 'about me,' but its actually overwhelmingly, laughably, NOT ABOUT ME. My impact on this earth will be through others, and my ability to motivate them to reach their full potential via their own moral compass (instead of getting bogged down in the rat-race groundhog day of threat-based reactivity). I love, beyond reason, the weird and wonderful humans of this Earth (myself included 😂). My passion lies in expanding awareness of my own thoughts, feelings and bevhaviours so that I can role model and influence others in a meaningful empathy-based way, show them what hidden gems may be uncovered when we break free of our self-defeating cycles and know ourselves on deeper and deeper levels. Our greatest and most powerful choice perhaps, lies in deciding which inner voice to act upon. 💖🙏🐇

Right... there's my typical soap-box conclusion out of the way... 😂😅👌

Now for my secret, one my heart buried so deep it eluded me for fifteen blissfully-ignorant months. I suspect what happened with this girl unsurfaced a false assumption I've been making about someone else... my husband, actually... that it's 'easy' to do the right thing, and any resentments and/or disgust I held against him for doing otherwise was a just choice. Now, I know it's simply not that simple... We are both 'Good People,' shadows and all. 😔🤦

Without all the gory details... I am now a widow. Though my husband and I separated over a year ago, we were still married and I was contacted as his next of kin. It's been a hair-raising emotional rollercoaster, but here's where I've unexpectedly landed... I FEEL more like a widow than an ex-wife, and it's taken copious amounts of vulnerability-based strength to admit this to myself, and now to everyone willing to read these words. Grappling with the fear of expressing this intimate insight of widow-dom, of potentially owning a powerful and terrifying truth that I could never expect anyone else to understand, least of all because I hardly understand it myself. Still worse, being a widow runs the danger of evoking something I loathe more than anything else... sympathy. I am no victim, there is no 'real' blame, I left for the right reasons, guilt be damned, but though I physically and mentally left my marriage... my heart stayed behind, stayed loyal to him, and always would have; I never once over that period felt an authentic intention to move on or pursue another romantic relationship. 💔💩

What I might have never realised without his sudden death was the painful fact that my heart intended to return one day after he'd had time to fully consider his fallible actions... Oh how the Heart doth deceive. Only now do I miss him more than I can bare to face, feeling hopeless to ever again find someone so loving, encouraging and accepting, regardless of his complicated and objectively deviant history. I'm sad, frightened, and only now has the loneliness caught up with me... Who the hell will love me now, riddled with 'eccentricities' as I am (difficult as it is to label them as mental illness(es)... whoever came up with that term should be tarred and feathered 😕😡🐔)?! 

But the Universe saw fit to help me move on and grieve in only the way the Universe can, by completely removing the 'go-back' option... and on the whole, I am grateful. Gratitude is my one empowering option. Sometimes we need that wake-up call (literally and figuratively 😅📞), forced yet loving 'assistance' with stepping onto the next lesson and given a chance for closure from the one that came before. Along this adventure, I've accepted that I am here to humbly serve and genuinely trust the Universe as best as my current state of evolution allows. I endeavour to find peace in the sobering realisation that I can not always understand 'The Why.' 🙏🐇

In honour of my late husband, biggest supporter and best friend. Thank you for four of the best years of my life, filled with laughter, joy, surprises and growth. Thank you for reminding me that We (meaning all humans) are neither monsters nor saints (whether by self-identification or the perception of others, in either case!👿😵😇💫)... Humans are best served by authentic curiousity, compassion and understanding, instead of implacable judgment.

Original Publication Date 28 April 2024

Death of a Sister, Birth of a Faith

Despite my OCD's insistence that I keep a clinically tidy and militantly organised inbox, these words have persisted for three years; most of the time it's the only one there at all. I could never bring myself to delete it or even file it away, afraid it might get lost or forgotten along with the plethora of other musings and article ideas I jot down when creativity strikes. I read the words almost everyday, two other anniversaries have past, but I just never knew what to do with them. Admittedly, I shy away from writing shit like this Sis, because after all we'd gone through in child- and young-adult hood, I fought... fought so hard to rise above it all, to become something more. I reject and resent all forms of sympathy and pity towards the circumstances of my life, your passing prime among them. I love you, and I miss you... I always will. I understand people mean well, but I'm so wholly at peace with what happened that pity seems like an insult to be honest. 

Amanda, Summer and Sarah - The Lennox Girls 💞

Your death shaped me Amanda, in so many weird, wonderful and phenomenally unexpected ways. I've written to you before, yet as more years go by I continue to think and feel about you. Your death was a major milestone in my life and I'm so grateful. It taught me the true meaning of strength, of freedom, of choice, of the power in expanding our self-awareness and owning our inner shadows, of why it's critical to heal and do what I need to do to keep myself healthy and balanced instead of giving into human temptations, whether they be chemical or cognitive! 🐇⚡

Your death served to fortify my relationship with whatever divine energy rules this chaotic World... because after 17 years the one thing I'm certain of is that you are where you're meant to be and there are no 'what if's left in me to regret. It's a place of holistic peace, one I couldn't have achieved without the lesson your passing offered. I do not believe in 'it shouldn't have happened that way' or spend time thinking about the ways I might have helped you, or saved you from yourself. I KNOW that you learned what you came here to learn, that everything happened precisely as it should... because that's the way it DID happen, and I trust in nothing and no one as I TRUST in the Universe. Coming to this point of fundamental trust has been an adventure that started the day I received the fateful call from Mom. Time, tears, and tracheal tearings abound, energy well spent. 

My spirituality makes me a bit of an outlier however, a human conundrum, which is why I typically keep it to myself. Now when others return to their spirit form, while I grieve who they were on this Earth, I also feel absolutely stoked for them as Spirits. They graduated from this 'University for Spiritual Development' we know as life and get to move onto their next lesson, I see it as a reason to celebrate. At best this ethos confuses people and exposes me as a weirdo, and at worst it offends people because it likely grates against their own beliefs and sense of Earthly justice. While I understand their perspectives in both instances, it won't sway my own... I'm fine with being an outlier, maybe you helped me with that as well. 🙏💖 

Your death is the one data point from which my entire spiritual foundation was formed, the one belief I can comfortably hold without my usual application of rigorous scientific and skeptical analysis. Why? It just feels right, settles my Spirit, calms my Body and Mind in ways I've never felt before... after decades of self-inflicted torture, it's the much needed balm of utter acceptance. It's FAITH. Could I be wrong? Could you just be bone bits now? Worm food? Perhaps in heaven or hell? Maybe... I do-not and can-not 'factually' know, but nor does that concern me. I hold my faith, one inspired by you, because it grounds me in a Body sodden with security and safety; engulfed within a mindset of gratitude. I'd sure as shit advise anyone else to do the same since I profoundly believe it makes us more conscious, conscientious and compassionate humans (unless, of course, that so-called 'faith' drives murderous, deranged, inequitable and/or paranoid behaviours... because that's not true faith, that's conditioned radicalised extremism 👀😅).

So, pity assigned by Self of others be damned, no one knew the bittersweet emotions tied to being your Sister, your heart... that's what you called me. This isn't for me, perhaps for the first time I'm writing this for you, because for some unnamable faith-based reason I feel like you need it. Be at rest knowing those you loved won't hold you here because they can't or won't liberate themselves from your death; be brave enough to saturate in the grief of loving you without fear so you can move on. Like the other day, when I said to someone with tears streaming down my face, "She was an absolute shit show, but she was MY shit show." 💖💩

Best of all, I laugh knowing that if you sat beside me now and read these words you'd say "The only sentence in this whole f#%! thing that made any sense was the last one... Are you f*$@ing high?!" 😂

Original Publication Date 14 October 2023

Shape-Shifter [Part 1]

Trigger Warning: This article includes my typical level of personal vulnerability and shocking inner honesty, but also goes into the gnarly details of my life using pictures of my Body (sans nudity, sorry-not-sorry 😉). Anyone not willing to read with an open heart and mind need read no further, and a sincere warning to those who might be triggered by body images both large and small, or the topic of sexual abuse.

Reminder: What do the Bold Blue Words Mean? (Click Me!)

Shape Shifter Table of Contents:

• Prologue [Part 1]
• Never Enough [Part 1]
• Rapid Descent [Part 2]
• Fearful Desolation [Part 2]
• Excess Baggage [Part 2]
• Perfect Fit [Part 3]
• Conclusion, or Just A Renewed Beginning? [Part 3]

How does one begin the story of their life in all its garbled glory? 

How can I capture just one aspect of what I've experienced, how it 'shaped me' both mentally and physically, in hope of raising the same awareness-expanding insights in others? I'm not sure to be honest, but I'll give it a hell of a go.... 🐇🔥

I've always wanted to write a book about my weight-loss journey; a sardonic cautionary tale I planned to title 'The Slippery Slope' capturing my transition from morbid obesity, to a brief pause at a healthy weight before plunging into an irrational void later diagnosed as an 'eating disorder not otherwise specified.' It was there I stayed for so long that I became too embarrassed to write about the amazing transformation I'd accomplished. I wasn't proud of what I'd done, I was regretful and ashamed. I honestly never thought I'd heal the mental demons I'd created as a consequence of mixing an addiction-prone personality with both a fear of re-gaining the weight and deep mistrust in my Body's ability to maintain it's new shape without rather severe oversight. Tragically, there was no ending to my book, so I couldn't write it...until now. 🙏💖

I became inspired one day as I contemplated a text I'd written to my Sister, suddenly all the entangled conscious and subconscious pieces began to fall into place. Nearly overcome with emotion, I realised there was finally a closing chapter to my damned book, one I could have never anticipated in my wildest dreams; one with a peaceful ending, if not a happy one 🌈. The slope that was once hopelessly lost to the abyss had miraculously ascended without my notice. With stunning clarity, an epiphany that only the light bulb of profound self-awareness can offer after exhaustive self-reflection, I marveled... I have always learned by shaping and moving my Body; somehow coming to terms with the mental, emotional and physical scars created by a turbulent childhood. This eluded me because from an early age my Body has mostly been a stranger to me. I couldn't understand how it communicated and refused to listen even when urges became increasingly demanding and could no longer be ignored. I lived life entirely from my head where it felt safe because logic ruled and emotions were suppressed. My brain, where I had control and power. I couldn't have known then, but that disconnectedness between Brain and Body was at least one of the driving forces behind the generalised anxiety, panic and compulsive thoughts that plagued me until my mid-thirties. It seems both obvious and ironic now, but how could a life lived solely from the neck-up have been otherwise? My brain was a like a run-away train thinking itself into a frenzy with no brakes, no sense of groundedness to the rest of my Being to slow it down.

Despite this proclivity for 'headiness' and perception of control, my Body's agenda remained underneath, subtle and mysterious, yet extremely influential. Throughout my entire life, I rarely felt like I fit inside my skin but could never understand why. Was that normal? It wasn't until I set out to willfully improve the connection and communication between my Brain and my Body in my early-30s that a true transformation began, supported by the book mBraining. Small wonder now that one of my most prominent blog themes evolved into Body Lessons, strokes of inspiration gleaned during exercise. For whatever reason, as I move my Body and put it in control rather than my Brain, phenomenal ideas and creative thoughts flood my Being. IRONY. 😂🐇.

Goodness, typical me, but I'm getting ahead of myself! Let's start from the beginning shall we?

Body State: Never Enough

Meet little Summie...

'What the f*%# happened?!' one might ask... To be completely honest, it wasn't until gathering pictures to write this tantalising tale that I even noticed this drastic difference in my childhood form with so little time between them. I summarised it well in my Journal the next morning, flecked with foreshadows...

"I got rather a fright when I realised my 'skinny' kid picture and my 'chubby' kid picture couldn't be more than 2 years apart. It seems so obvious now that my body had a reaction to Mom leaving...no doubt because my brain couldn't cope so I literally 'swallowed' the trauma... To say nothing of what happened afterward, which perpetuated that cycle."

For years and years I pondered the explanation for my childhood obesity on and off. The only attributable cause that stood out was the memory of never feeling full, my hunger felt insatiable. Unwilling to confront the details of my childhood and that unappeasable sensation however, I opted to pin it on some natural tendency towards being overweight. Wonky hormones, simple as that; yet after many tests nothing abnormal appeared in my body chemistry. Anyway, 'baby fat' is cute, right? Though not so cute when it stayed with me through young adulthood, and left me feeling more than a bit hopeless with regard to romantic prospects. 

Once I became brave enough to confront and reflect on myself as a child and the circumstances of my environment, I identified a few things that might account for my inability to feel sated, and the resulting chubbiness. First, let me be crystal clear, I DO NOT BLAME ANYONE for what I'm about to write. Blame belongs within the victim-mindset realm, a bleak landscape I've fought to flee all my life. Blame, a fickle mistress that leaves us both disempowered and optionless. No thanks! Life is not kind to anyone, everyone does the best they can with what they have, sees situations through the filter of their lifes' experiences. Parents, grandparents, gaurdians are fallible. Instead of blame I focus on gratitude, because as pitiful as the following points may seem, each and every one led me to becoming the f&$%ing magical Gypsy that I am, who I was always meant to be. 

That said, the facts were these (from the lofty vantage of 20/20 hindsight), any of which likely contributed to my Body seeking its 'well-padded' state.

• My parents split up when I was 4-years old, my Mother left home and my Sisters and I stayed with our Father until middle school age. Though not wholly unhappy with the arrangement, I remember counting the days of the week in accordance with when I'd be able to see my Mom. My emotional appetite for her attention was as insatiable as my physical hunger, and through no fault of hers, I could never get enough. Being the giving Mother that she was, she saw that food made me happy so she always gave me what I wanted and never once shamed me for eating to excess or questioned my food choices; she loved me no matter how big I grew. Despite the struggles that would come later upon losing the weight I remain thankful that I didn't have those types of demons to contend with, as many other young adults do unfortunately.
• To my young mind, who couldn't understand the emotional complexities of the situation, I misinterpreted my Mother leaving as rejection; I took it personally. I logically concluded that it must have somehow been my fault, which began a vicious cycle of subconscious self-rejection. Many years later when I asked my Sister what she thought about how I felt, she hilariously humbled me by saying, 'Summer, I hate to tell you, but you're not that f%#@ing important!' 😅
• Ok, here we go... no joke, I've been avoiding writing this bullet point for about an hour now... Not long after my Mom left my Father hired a babysitter to watch us after school, and sometimes her husband and son would be there as well. All my life I held a half-memory involving her husband, one that would shut down as mysteriously as it appeared from time to time... I wasn't ready to know the truth. What I did clearly remember was that my Sisters told an explicit lie about said babysitter to bait my Father into firing her, and it worked. I also knew that my physical sexual senses were somehow inhibited, but always assumed it was based on some biological malfunction. The enigma of this phenomena remained until one day decades later, seemingly out of the blue whilst running, this half memory filled itself in; though upon reflection it was more that my body was finally ready to release its' trauma to my brain so I could process and finally let it go. I'm sorry, I still can't explicitly say what happened, I'll leave it open for obvious interpretation. But how might this relate to my budding obesity as a child all those years ago? Well, I grew up convinced (very wrongly so, I might add), that if I were fat then I'd never [again] be a victim of sexual abuse... because fat people aren't attractive and/or their girth makes them more difficult targets. Trust me, I know how horrific that sounds, it's abhorrent, but it's truly what I believed and it also explains one aspect of my persistent expansion.
• Once I was old enough to decide where to live for myself, I excitedly went to live with my Mom; finally! Unfortunately, for reasons I now assume had to do with her own trauma driven by the profound pain of having to leave her 3 little girls for the sake of self-protection, she had taken to drinking the way I'd taken to eating. Two-sides of the same coin, really. More misperceived rejection for my part reinforced the subconscious beliefs I already held, I still wasn't good enough or worth being around, and so the cycle perpetuated.

• Now an adult body carrying childhood insecurities and trauma-driven attributes, chronic self-rejection and attention-seeking prime among them, I ate to fill an emotional void, to subconsciously manifest the external rejection I internally came to expect, or to gain some sense of deranged self-protection; each of which are decidedly f&*#-ing BLEAK. Well into my twenties these energies inside me sopped up every morsel and still wanted more, I felt starved though I was obviously not physically lacking for calories. 

Surrounded by this quite literal defensive barrier, I couldn't accurately feel myself in a physical sense, couldn't HEAR or KNOW myself. Of course I left all this shit hidden away in my subconscious, my brain was pitifully attempting to protect me. So long as they remained underneath however, I couldn't heal and break the unhealthy and self-defeating cycles they influenced. Only becoming aware 🐇 of the truth could do that, but being honest with ourselves on that level takes courage. ✊💪

F$#%... let's move on shall we? I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's going to get a bit more dire before the Sun finally shines through the other side, but hey, that's life. 🌩🐇🌅

[Stay tuned for Part 2]

Original Publication Date 21 May 2022, Revised TBD