The Ironical Asshole

Esoteric Hypothesis: If we were assholes more, than we'd be Assholes less.

Firstly, I've googled, ironical is in fact a word... 🤓

I've mentioned my zeal for ecstatic Irony many times in many articles, and will continue to do so since the biggest mind-blowing 'mother-of-all-ironies' I've yet to articulate in writing, but for now please bear-with as we explore the logic underlying this particularly delightful rabbit hole. 🐇🐇

My theory relies on the premise that if we can learn to OWN our inner 'Asshole,' our 'shadow' self, our 'dark' self, our 'worst' self, our 'lower' self, or however we like to identify/name that part of our psyche that thinks, emotes and acts in not-so-kind ways and is indeed quite a little prick, then allowing ourselves to be assholes when it's appropriate we'd counter-intuitively be less 'Asshole-ly' in our day-to-day lives.  And yes, the 'when it's appropriate' barometer will require some trial and error to fine tune. At the very least we need to understand it's a grey area where the spectral centre point will differ from person to person. For example, I continually need to pause to consider whether it's best to 'ease-up because we're all human and life ain't easy for anyone' vs. 'let 'em have it you magnificent velvet sledgehammer because they need a friggin' wake up call!' 🖁😅

The mega-Asshole comes out when we continually ignore or completely suppress the smaller, gentler, less terrifying asshole who arrives whenever someone or something has tread upon one of our values, beliefs or boundaries. Instead of honouring that knowing and speaking our truth, we tell ourselves 'No! Go Away! I can't be an asshole right now because...'

• People won't like me...
• I'll upset or hurt someone...
• I'll get in trouble or there will be negative consequences...
• I'm afraid of conflict...
• [Insert any number of other reasons we suppress our wriggly little anger snakes 🐍👿] 

We deny ourselves the right to be a bit of an asshole to make our boundaries visible to others, to protect our values and beliefs or trust our intuitive senses. Over time, once we've done this enough the assholes build up, form an army of ferocity, become the Asshole. Then, at the worst or perhaps most inopportune time, KAPLOW, out the Asshole pops like an over-wound Jack-in-the-Box to inspire fear in the hearts of the poor SOB on the recieving end... to surprise and shock us all, including ourselves! 💣😨

Embarrassment and shame often ensue as a result of these explosions, damage control and apologies are required, which unfortunately only serves to reinforce the false beliefs that we must dampen or hide our assholes. This is how the cycle perpetuates itself, and will continue to do so until we consciously intervene by working out when and where it's appropriate to be an asshole, and the volume to which we should allow the asshole to speak up. 🗣

I'd argue allowing ourselves to be assholes for the right reasons (ethically and morally), at the right time, and to the right people, are all critical elements of establishing self worth and maintaining self care to keep our psyche whole, healthy and well balanced. The crux is that we rarely trust ourselves to know when it's the right time and place, we err on the side of caution, may feel the urge but ignore it for too long and miss the opportunity or chicken out, afraid to ruffle feathers. 🐔 

I certainly don't have anyone else's solution to this dilemma, toeing and experimenting with that line is an important and profoundly personal part of the self-discovery process. But as I've practised myself and figured out 'Yes, that was ok... uncomfortable, but ok,' or 'Whoops! that was a bit too much...quick, dial back, dial back!', neither scenario is as bad as either blasting someone with 2-years of suppressed grievances or maiming our internal relationship by failing to express our feelings . Still more sad is the loss of relationships with others over time... relationships that could have been preserved or even strengthened with some difficult yet honest feedback facilitated by our inner asshole. 💔

So no, I don't have any hard-and-fast solution to offer, but I can lay forth some of the complex elements at play to consider, followed by an example of this theory in action in my own life for context and amusement. 😅

• The Situation: I tend to assume positive intent and try not to feel threatened by the opinions of others, but damn is it hard sometimes! First gauge the black, white and grey areas of the situation and ask for others perspectives and any clarifications first. If we're still pissed, show some passion and voice some truth. 🧨🔥
• The People Involved: Is it worth spending the mental and emotional energy? Will it build or protect an important relationship? If not, it may be best to vent to a trusted friend or family member about the situation and see how we feel afterward. If there's still a bee in our bonnet, proceed will showing the person a bit of the asshole. 😉😎
• The Timing: Is it safe for the asshole to engage right away or do we perhaps need to wait to have a private word? Are emotions running high? If so, best to calm down first but do take note of the specifics of the situation as these will be important later, and help give our assholes credibility.
• Our Ability to LISTEN: Beware of confirmation bias and other subconscious biases that may result in us hearing what we want to hear instead of actually listening. It's only fair that we listen to understand the other people's perspective. That's what we would expect! ⚖
• Our Mental and Emotional State: Are we well and feeling like our normal resilient selves or has something else knocked us off our typical balance-point like lack of sleep or failing to do that day's Wordle? Stress will shift our energy into a higher state where our inner Asshole is much easier to provoke, and we'd do well to take a look at those elements before engaging. Abide by the 3 Assholes Rule: If we come across 3 or more assholes in a day, we are the Asshole... Cool it. ❅💩❄🐇

In order to maintain professionalism I won't give the particulars of my example, when I let my Asshole flag fly; but to summarise someone I'm in a program with insinuated they don't see caring for people at work as their priority. Or at least that was my perception/interpretation of what they were saying. I didn't go off the handle straight away, especially since I was meant to only be an observer of the conversation, but it became increasingly clear to me that my perception couldn't be too far off the mark, the exact words being "I don't come to work to make friends..." 😠 The mere thought of this leader holding such an outdated ideal when I firmly believe caring for people will drive productivity and undefinable value in our business left my inner asshole jumping up and down like someone trying to set a new world record in Skip Rope. After careful consideration of the potential impacts of doing so I unleashed, allowed my asshole to speak her truth... After causing a rather awkward moment in the conversation I decided it was best that I step away from the meeting to calm myself, fearing that if I didn't my Asshole would emerge. Thanks to the others on the call the damage control was minimal, I offered apologies for interrupting the conversation and becoming reactive (but NOT for expressing my leadership values). 🏆

I consider this an apt example because the ratio between asshole and Asshole was about 86:14, the boundary wasn't clear and hardly ever is. Was this the right thing for me to do? For me yes, because my value in caring for people as their manager outweighs any guilt I felt at having a go at this person. I have no regret for saying what I said, giving my asshole permission to let everyone know how much I believe in role-modeling authentic leadership. Personally, that's my temperature gauge. If I can look myself in the mirror and honestly say 'I have no apology to offer,' if that's how I truly feel deep down in my heart and gut, then I'm good to go! Potential tears by either party be damned, sometimes we have harsh truths to deliver. 🏃👀 Ahem, and sometimes we need to receive harsh truths ourselves... 👂👈

The asshole is typically manageable for all parties involved on both sides of the situation, and there is rarely a major impact on relationships with a solid foundation of trust. In fact, down-shifting into asshole-mode, showing that we care enough to be honest and lean into an otherwise uncomfortable conversation to seek understanding, builds far more relationships than it erodes. The Asshole, however, creates havoc, sometimes damaging others as well as Self if guilt and regret well-up. In this way our asshole becomes an important archetype and identity, a strength not a weakness or something to fear. When we tactfully deploy the asshole, we speak our truth and display vulnerability rather than deny that voice and ignore our moral compass. Hopefully then, we can become more compassionate to others when we're on the recieving end of their asshole, offer them the grace of human understanding and relate to how they must be feeling, instead of feeling pissy and defensive. 💞🐇

Lastly, it's important to remember, re-iterate and internally re-enforce that other people's reactions and emotions are not our responsibility. And to be fair, on the flip-side, our reactions and emotions belong to us and us alone, but from time to time we need the other's perspective and support in elucidating the nature of our triggers. Again, assuming positive intent can cut out a lot of the noise in that regard. Consider the factors, play with the boundaries, experiment, protect self worth and honour values... but also don't be an Asshole because of carrying around unhealed trauma, ineffectual blame, or a victim mindset wherein chronic self-disempowerment and sabotage keeps the asshole bound and gagged; because saying nothing can also be a sneaky form of Asshole-ish manipulation. 😳

ISN'T IRONY GREAT?! 🐇😂😵🐇

Here's a couple of fun sub-ironies to contemplate for added fun...

• The people who have the honour of meeting our Asshole are rarely responsible for creating all the little assholes that caused the backlog, which is a bit unjust. We CHOOSE to suppress them, the backlog belongs to us (which is why I began this article with the word OWN). 👀
• Some are likely thinking: 'But Summer, who are you addressing here?! There's soooo many people, particularly on social media, who unleash their inner assholes all over the place like explosive diarrhea when they'd do well to shut the f*#$ up because the beliefs and values they're 'protecting' are literally insane! (i.e. radicals defending sociologically harmful ideals, anti-abortionists physically harming women making the right choice for their own bodies, people screaming at the TV when one of the contestants on Bake Off fails to turn their oven on, etc.) Let me be explicit in stating: This article is not for those people, they have grossly over-corrected in extremely dyfunctional ways and they need serious psychological help. All that to introduce this cardinal irony... Only people who worry about and fear giving their asshole a voice would benefit from doing precisely that... Why? because the fact that they're afraid to over-step the boundary and potentially hurt others is a significant indication that their moral compass is intact and pointed in the right direction. That same fear, however, will also slowly erode their innate sense of power, self esteem and trust in themselves; it is for those people I write these words... Screw those crazy Assholes who get emphatically irrate for highly illogical reasons, they hold no such fear and they authentically see nothing disproportionate with their incessant over-reactivity. Best to write them off since engaging only allows them to fling more shit. They're clearly off their rocker. 🪑💩😇

Original Publication Date 08 October 2023

Making No Choice Vs. Choosing To Do Nothing

More and more I find that one of the greatest potentials we hold is our Power of CHOICE. I wrote this entire article before realising what led me to appreciate the subtle difference between making no choice and choosing to do nothing was something I once hated about myself, causing me infinite torment... my addiction to control. To my shock, delight and relief, I find that unhealthy obsession also instigated my healing adventure when I grew increasingly intolerant of my constant attempts to control things I had no actual influence over. As I consistently addressed my own inner bullshit, I began to transition from controlling the mundane-trivial components of life (which produced no meaningful improvements, only chronic anxiety and different forms of more shit 💩🤦), to taking REAL control over my life. Indeed, most things are not within our immediate or direct control. What we’ll always be able to control however, is how we choose to conduct ourselves and the attitude with which we approach our lives. 🐇

Before I entirely give away where I'm headed let's discuss a fun fact... damn are we decision-making machines! The daily (hell, second-ly) decisions we make both consciously and subconsciously weave the fabric of our realities. So many decisions...where we direct our thoughts, how we express our emotions, and of course, our actions and/or reactions; the latter being the predominant form unfortunately, since we often condition ourselves to do the same things over and over again. Even in the face of mounting evidence that our tactics aren't always overly helpful or successful (i.e., my 25 year habit of frivolous control). 😅 

Other images come to mind of parents yelling at kids to tidy their rooms, or partners barking about the dishes in the sink, or pet owners frustratingly asserting that their furr-baby has been a very bad boy/girl! Obviously this mode of communicative reprimand doesn’t work for any species, otherwise the stimuli would cease to exist, the issues resolved. The undesired behaviours persist, yet we choose the same methods time and again knowing they won't produce the results we seek. 🤔❔

If we’re to break these re-action cycles, first we need to become aware of why we typically think, feel and act in those ways, listen to the stories we're telling ourselves subconsciously then consciously challenge and override them. We'll also need to recognise which repetitive choices have not served us well in the past, so we can be 'on the look out.' 👀👆 Even small changes in our habitual decisions lead to significant life alterations over time, and it allows us to guide ourselves into a more enjoyable human experience, one in which we can feel proud of ourselves and our choices instead of pissed off and disappointed, or worse still... hopeless and helpless. Expanding our awareness of what sits underneath our choices creates the shades of grey between our otherwise black and white decision-making (Yes/No, Go/No Go, etc.). It’s within these shady areas we’ll now explore the subtle nuances between making no choice and choosing to do nothing. 🐇🐇🐇

Making No Choice
I can think of two main reasons why someone would make no choice at all, but I’m hopeful others will think of many of their own (if so, let me know! 🙏).

1. Utter chaos and conflict between two or more of our three ‘brains’/intelligence centres. It would be folly to argue against the hypothesis that healthy choices are balanced choices. The Head analysing possible outcomes and accounting for risks, the Heart directing our intentions and desires, and the instinctual Gut pushing us away from 'danger' while pulling us towards 'safety.' Personally for a bit of whimsy I include considerations for the Spirit-based, fire-driven, passions as well, but I prefer to leave the source and meaning of these sacred for each individual.
2. An ‘It’ll be fine’ attitude, or what I also like to think of as 'Ostrich Syndrome,' wherein we stick our heads in the ground and pretend that the shit around us isn’t happening. Call it naivete or denial, either way in that position our behinds are magnificantly exposed and life eventually kicks our ass hard enough to force us out of those states. Amazingly, some of us continue to dig still-deeper, then act surprised when another swift kick inevitably comes back around... Sheer. F&*$ing. Insanity.

To the first point, one tangible example is feeling miserable and/or dispassionate about our work/job/career, experiencing one of more of the following: Feeling intellectually under-stimulated and/or unable to express our creativity (Head), displeasure in our work relationships with managers and/or colleagues (Heart), or generally sensing that its unsafe to our true selves in that environment and unable to thrive (Gut). Nevertheless, we stay for conventional reasons, all of which weave a tangled web of conflict between our 'brains'... Financial risk,  sense of achievement it gives us (ironically even if/when we don't really like the nature of the work), inconvienence of starting over,  uncertainty about what we actually want to do, lack of confidence in ability, feeling needed by boss/peers/reports/clients, etc., time investment to-date (including education), thinking it's 'normal' to dislike work... and all the other excuses we tell ourselves. We’re stuck. 'Stuck-ness' moves into feeling trapped, powerless. Things keep ticking along day in and day out, fluctuating between tolerable and tiresome, but our confusion and reasons for staying prevent us from deciding to change the situation.

Here’s another classic, relationships. Whether it's a friend, family member or romatic partner, we often find ourselves in precarious relationship situations. Things may not be great but they're not bad either. There may be signs and urges to seek other opportunities or cut ties and detach, yet we stay either out of a fear of loneliness, hesitancy to re-enter the dating game, thinking we're not good enough for someone with the attributes we really want, and/or inability to overcome the compelling Sunk Cost logical fallacy. Particularly with family, a hefty sense of obligation holds us in place, putting up with toxic situations because that's what's expected.

Our hearts long to be needed and wanted, valued, while our heads are starved for deep and meaningful conversations or a witty laugh. Our gut cautions against various and subtle forms of abuse (including self-infliction!), while our Spirit's inner flame flickers without the fiery passion or deeper connection that continually fuels the 'give and take' energy required for all relationships. But there we are, making no choice to leave... waiting for the next moment of reprieve or promise that things will change to get us through. 

Right, who's well and truly depressed at this point?! Yes, me too, and there's a reason! Because this shit is BLEAK!, and because each and every one of us knows exactly what this feels like. The paralysis created when we can't sort out what we want to do or what we should do is indeed a wretched place. It's a place we can survive, at best... but not forever. Fate is a real thing, and it kicks our ass into gear when we fail to act on the signs that something needs to shift. I'm so thankful, because this is exactly what drove me to work towards aligning my head, heart and gut for the sake of my overall wellbeing.

To the second point, I've often found myself more than a little miffed with the common Kiwi adage 'She'll be right mate!', an assumption that everything will work out without any intervention. Admittedly, this perspective has successfully converted my control-freak stressed-out tendency to a much more relaxed attribute, as I learn to trust the people and society around me as well as believe in my resilience and ability to overcome adversity. I'm no longer completely ashamed to say this literally took years of practice, and trial and error. 😅🧪

Yes, sometimes it's better to trust in help from others or give the situation time to become clearer, get more data, and allow things beyond our control to sort themselves out. Those things within our control (attitude, decisions, intentions, etc.), however, deserve conscious consideration at the very least; at that pivotal point we can make the choice to do nothing.

To clarify this boundary, I recall one of my favourite fables:

There once was a God-fearing man who refused to leave his home despite rapidly rising flood waters. As the rain pissed down and the wall of water climbed higher, he got out onto his roof clinging to his belief that God alone would save him.

His neighbor came by in a boat, urging him to come aboard, but he refused asserting that 'God will save me.' Unable to convince him otherwise, the neighbor rowed away to safety. 

The water grew still higher and swifter, then a helicopter came to pluck the man off the roof and deliver him to shelter. But the man waved it away, staunchly proclaiming that 'God will deliver me from this crisis' and that he intended to wait and hold that faith. 

Finally, the flood water overtook the roof from underneath the man and he met his damp demise. In front of the pearly gates of Heaven, he asked God why he had failed to save him, to which God replied "I sent a f*#%ing boat AND a helicopter, what else could I have done?!"

Choosing To Do Nothing
Now it's time to explore the counterpoint of choosing to do nothing, and its a simple as it reads, no magic surprises... "But that's still point #2!", some might argue... Ah, indeed, but only to the untrained eye. It's the conscious choice to do nothing, intentionally. To let the cards play out exactly how they were dealt, in full awareness that there are risks to taking no action at all. Had the bloke in the fable had made the choice to do nothing, consciously, he sure as shit wouldn't have been surprised to find himself at those pearly gates; he'd have anticipated that was one of the risks of his fateful choice and he would've owned that decision instead of blaming God for not saving his sorry ass. 😉♱

The line between these distinctions is indeed a fuzzy one; one that's nearly impossible to determine until we've gained both experiential wisdom and inner awareness through feedback (like when life gives us 🎁 or 🍋 or 💩) and purposeful reflection. Basically, it's elucidating the epic grey areas along the spectrum between the black and white binary extremes of our World. Anyway, to help wrap our brains around this concept, let's explore some reasons we might choose to do nothing (These are not real examples, they are my attempt to create general and relatable situations):

• I have a job... No, I don't love it and it's not what I ultimately want to do, but it only makes me want to jump off a bridge sometimes and it allows me to save enough money to one day branch out and do what I really want to do. I choose to stay, until such time as I'm ready to start said new venture. Most importantly, I remain grateful for the job, even when someone sends me an email that makes me want to put my fist through my computer, because I OWN the fact that I CHOOSE to stay, to do nothing at present. I fully understand that I could leave, forsake the money and security, as terrifying as that is... as unsensible and impractical as it seems... I am, nonetheless, capable of resignation. I am not trapped, not powerless, and I trust in my ability to provide for myself and my family without it. I could miraculously land on my feet, but for now I won't do a damn thing.
• I have a friend who drives me absolutely f*#!ing nuts at times, and whom I sometimes regret hanging out with all-together. They're prone to complaining about everything and anything under the Sun and it completely drains me. Despite every attempt I make to role-model cheerfulness, they seem to love bitching about their kids, job, spouse, people at the grocery store who move too slowly, or how their favourite contestant was voted off the island and how unfair it was... I've thought about cutting them out of my life, but we've been friends for so long. I don't need to explain what I've been through with them, they were there, they know. Besides, isn't part of being a good friend accepting each other for who we are? Maintaining compassion, creating a safe space where we can have a bit of a pity party without adverse judgment? 🥳 Perhaps it would even serve me well to consider the shit I do that ruffles their feathers as well, or why their dreariness bugs me so much, as appalling as that sounds. So I'll do nothing, because I'd rather keep them in my life than lose them for reasons I'm not entirely convinced are just.

The common themes here are that we're willing to do nothing, take no observable action. Wait, slow down, take a risk, consider what lies hidden underneath, put up with a bit of strife to get more data until we get either a logical or intuitive cue to act, ensuring the decision involved is healthy, heartfelt and whole.

There is also an odd sort of liberation in 'letting go and letting God.' And, if the concept of giving that control over to the Universe is too uncomfortable since it's decidedly Spiritual in nature, think of it simply as the conscious decision to not intervene and just see what happens. An experiment! Not with the naivete that accompanies the 'Ostrich Syndrome,' having failed to consider the reprocussions of making no choice and leaving our asses very much exposed for a rightous-kicking, but with a twinkle of playful curiousity. ✨🧚

Ironically, whether we make no choice or choose to do nothing, both can be transformative when embraced as learning opportunities if/when shit blows up in our face and we abstain from the allure of blame. This realisation struck me hard at some point during my evolution, and it led to the creation of my #1 Life Principle: "I Learn With a Grafetful Heart." Despite the plot twists life throws my way, no matter the pain I endure, instead of feeling like a victim of luck; I remain open to the lessons life holds. Should we be so fortunate as to wrap our tiny human brains and egos around this concept and embody it, we effectively detach ourselves from the outcome of our choices and decisions like those funky Buddhists are always going on about... Freeing, but also unbelievably difficult without a hell of a lot of practice, for me in the form of trust-falls!

Original Publication Date 05 June 2023

Heartfelt Handover

What a period of self discovery! I not only accept but now readily embrace my... how to put it... well, Self, I suppose. I describe myself as a Gypsy who looks like Sporty Spice. Someone who requires endless freedom and independence, and instead of feeling ashamed of the oddities these requirements cast upon the external perspective of my lifestyle, I'm owning them as enigmatic gifts; a stark yet interesting contrast to normalcy. More and more, I have no apologies to offer for who I am and what I need to remain healthy, peaceful and balanced in my life. On the surface I might be assigned labels such as 'selfish' or 'peculiar;' I've even heard 'brave,' which I find rather funny and confusing. The very definition of 'unconventional.' Yes, unconventional in literally everything that I do, and I love that about myself. 💎🐇

I f*&#ing hate labels, have always fought against them. Hell, when I was facing the label of 'Fat American with Type II Diabetes' I set to losing over half my body weight, and damn the consequences! I now eat a high protein, mostly plant-based diet, after an ongoing struggle with caloric compulsions, but just watch me fly off the handle when people assume I'm a vegan, vegetarian, or God forbid... 'Keto.' I eat what I enjoy, makes my body feel good, and keeps me fuelled for my workouts; no rules, no diets, no constraints. Actively restricting specific foods (unless we have a science-based physiological need) isn't sustainable and is rarely healthy, neither mentally nor physically. And let's not forget the extremes I've explored to fight against the various mental illness diagnoses/labels I've accumulated! The one label I'll accept is 'Summer Dawn Lennox.' Actually, now I think of it, this is likely why it always irked me when past partners used terms of endearment in lieu of my name. Beyonce had it right, 'Say My Name.' 😂 My name is more than a label, it's my identity, and encapsulates everything therein... the comprehensive iceberg of what I consciously express, subconsciously emit and unconsciously have yet to expose. I can't remember feeling so much authentic appreciation for myself, and I want to savour it... saturate in it. 🛀

Ironically. I always knew I was destined to be, yet was terrified to become, a single woman in my late 30's/early 40's... another shitty label 💩🏷... but here I am, and it's not so bad. I travel for work and for play, do as I please when I please, share my bizarre perspective with the World using innate written and verbal communication skills. Yes, this is indeed a life worth living... as simple and boring as it may appear to others. To be fair, it's appropriate that my life seems unpalatable to others, because envy for someone else's lifestyle is quite a toxic little beast! And I sure as shit know that I don't envy the lives of others. I certainly mean no offense, but whether it's Barbara Walters, Barbra Streisand, Barbarella or Barbara from down the street with a perfectly conventional existence (i.e., home, family, career, etc.)... I don't want a Bar of any of that! (See what I did there?! 😆🤦)

Even if it leaves me single for the rest of my life, I want 3:30am coffee and journalling, 2 hour strength-stuffed workouts, an 8pm bedtime, and a whole lot of thought-provoking psycho-sociological extroverted people-based random shit in the middle! In a very real way, it's an endless give and take of human energy, and I absolutely love it. Give me a room full of people to read and I'll give back a happy Summer! 👌😍

My 'routines' are my self-care, which keep my energy-well filled so I can offer it to others. In fact, upon reflection I'm finding this inner shift, elucidation, and sincere endorsement of my abnormalities, is aligned to a waning of my previous 'brain-driven' mode of being to a waxing of my transformed 'heart-based' existence, on a deeper level than previously described. It's my intention to actively engage with this transition now that it's on my awareness-radar. A tweak to my wiring, and one that fatefully comes with a career change, a fluctuation in the tide, ebb and flow of my life. I'm beyond grateful to my brain for it's service and many sacrifices over the years, it's ability to challenge it's own beliefs and ever-expanding willingness to hear, listen to, and accept the knowings from my Body, Heart and Spirit. Lord knows I went decades not understanding how to interpret those subtle communications, and the angst it perpectuated. I will always cherish it's intellectual discernment, ability to rapidly interpret data and unrelenting obsession with logic. These are strengths I'm thankful to have in my toolkit to leverage when it'll serve me well... but no longer will these be the literal bread-winners in my life. 🍞🏆

  

My heart arises, to take the leading role. It's intentions, passions, service to others, compassionate wisdom, and most importantly, it's ability to captivate and engage the hearts of others... Even, perhaps especially, those hearts that hold trauma, unhealthy bias and/or, heaven forbid, hate (BLEAK!). My heart feels both the weight of this new responsibility but also senses the joy in implementing it's limitless potential... like a well-trained amateur marathon runner at their first event without the safety net of cutting the course short... Feeling both hesitant and capable. Ready; muscles twitching in anticipation, ready to go and to have a go! Ready to lean-in, to stumble and refocus as many times as it takes, to learn; to evolve. 🙏💖

In my mind's eye I see a timeline, like a race course, along which my head has always been in first place. Over the last 12-or-so years, since beginning this weird and wonderful adventure,  my heart has been catching up... and in this momentous transition it has pulled ahead every so slightly. My overall goal has always been a balanced life however, for head and heart to cross the finish line as equals, hand in hand. Regardless, I feel it's worth putting my heart in front for the foreseeable future, making up for lost time perhaps. During this pivotal period, I want to hone in on my guiding principles which are now, have been, and will continue to be, to TRUST in my whole self and the Universe, and to SERVE the Universe and the people in it as best I can, using my unique gifts and viewpoints. It's time to see what heart-based trust and service sounds, looks and feels like. 🙌🎉

Later, after my evening meditation, I saw it wasn't a competitive race between my head and heart, it was more like a relay where they were on the same team. With tears of relief for itself and tears of pride for the Heart, my exhausted Brain passed the baton. True to my dichotomous nature, I intentionally pass this baton with both fear and hope. Shifting mindsets always requires a leap of faith into the scary unknown, and even in its exhausted state I'll always tend to rely on my Brain if I don't explore other ways of being. Still, I can't commit the folly of over-correction and go too far down the Heart-led rabbit hole... because last night when I caught my oven on fire and my Heart panicked, beating madly as adrenaline coursed through my blood, it was my Brain that came to the rescue. I watched in horror, opened the door to instinctually react by grabbing the tray on fire and tossing it out of my caravan, until my clever frontal lobe overrode the reactive response with a beautiful bit of rationale... This oven was designed to hold fire, so bloody-well leave it in there! 🔥 Somehow, faster than the conscious thought could manifest, I understood the baking paper that was the source of the flames would burn itself up and I could deal with aftermath once it was safe to do so. F*$#, there's a rabbit hole right there! Being wise enough to let the fire burn instead of trying to put it out, causing more chaos and danger in the process. 👀🐇

So yes, I'll always rely on my 'brainy' intellect to a degree, but this shift is about intention as my emerging hypothesis is that our intentions are heavily influenced, if not set by, our hearts. I intend to explore how my Heart will lead... remaining tapped into my emotions and acting based on my emotional intelligence (EQ) instead of my IQ. I want to do this to both build my heart's capability and to rest my Brain, a Brain that doesn't always know when NOT to control, or exhaust itself in over-analysing everything... Opting to feel more and think less. 

It'll be hard, it'll take practice, my naturally dominant Brain will need constant reminders not to jump ahead whether out of habit or impatience at my Heart's slower pace; nor will I delude myself into assuming it'll make life easier (quite the opposite at times I'd imagine! 😅), but I'll damn sure learn some gnarly shit; I'll grow... Until such time as I'm ready to shift again, many years from now, once I'm old enough to lead from my Wild Gypsy Spirit, unfettered and unencumbered, throwing caution to the wind. That way, here comes my clever Brain again... I can blame my behaviour on senility. 😆😈😇😎

Original Publication Date 28 May 2023

The Blame Game

Sure, we've all done it... blamed the cat or dog when it was actually us who let one rip. My favourite fart related blame-shift was onto my heavily pregnant Sister, who was so shocked when I loudly damned her for her flatulence in front of a crowd that she couldn't even defend herself against the accusation 😂💖💩. Blame shifting is extremely common in our society, at times small and rather insignificant like lassie's wind-breaking, and at times so momentous it can shatter our relationships. Let's be honest, we've all copped heat for something we didn't 'really' do; I commonly do this when I know I'm right but I'm either too tired to explain myself and simply don't care enough to defend myself (wisdom is often compared to knowing when to choose our battles!). Conversely, we've all blamed others for something that didn't necessarily have anything to do with them, not literally, like the person who 'made us' ass-pack the car in front of us because they texted us and we looked down at our phone for too long 💥📱😖. 

Blame is something that has continually kept my discerning analytical mind deep in consideration, and I now feel ready to put forth a couple of radical ideas to explore, along with all their weird and wonderful nuances 🐇:

1. Blame-shifting is fundamentally disempowering, if not cowardly
2. Victim-blaming is falsely assuming people put themselves in situations to be intentionally victimised (This point becomes especially bizarre when we add in a dash of self-blame, my personal specialty which I'll elaborate on later 😅)
3. A cornerstone of enlightenment... deep, meaningful and balanced wisdom, includes realising that blame, in general, is F&*#-ing BULLSHIT! 🐃💩

That's right, I'm proposing that blaming others for something that's happened, big or small, not only takes power away from us but is also a unique flavour of logical fallacy once we're able to look beyond our own conditioning enough to see this. We are all choosers, deciders, and play at least some small part of everything that happens in our lives and the lives of others. The right choice for me today may well be the wrong choice for me tomorrow, or the wrong choice for someone else entirely. That choice may then lead others to blame me for it's impact on their life, something I may have been able to anticipate yet decided to do anyway or couldn't have anticipated in my wildest dreams... but it doesn't make either one of us right OR wrong. 🐇💣

The Blame Conundrum, An Anecdote

Alex goes to the grocery store in need of milk. While at the store it gets robbed. The robber yelled at Alex to 'get on the f*@$ing ground,' and in haste Alex's untied shoelaces caused Alex to trip and inadvertently launch the purchased milk at the robber. This startled the already antsy robber and as a result the trigger was pulled and Alex was shot. Alex didn't die, but was left with a hideous facial defect from the gunshot wound. Unable to accept his appalling new facial feature, believing it would prevent a future with meaningful relationships, authentic love or a family, Alex suicided one year later.

Phew, that's some heavy shit! But more to the point, we can analyse this narrative to dissect the various ways one can assign blame. SPOILER ALERT! It's based on our personal assumptions, which themselves are an eclectic amalgamation of our life's experiences, cultural, societal and familial influences, not to mention the expression of our DNA (aka Nurture and Nature).

Who is to Blame for Alex's demise? 🤔

- Alex himself for choosing that precise time to go get milk, for failing to tie up his laces, or committing the act of suicide?

- The untied laces or perhaps the milk for causing the confusion and resulting chaos?

- The other person in the shop who failed to stop the robber when they had the chance?

- The robber, who pulled the trigger causing Alex's strife?

- The people on Tinder who couldn't bring themselves to 'swipe right' due to Alex's superficial deformity?

- A mix of some or all of these things?

Other Provocative Questions to Ponder....

• Who would Alex blame if we had a Ouija board and could ask?
• Who would their friends and family blame?
• What if "It is what it is," as they say; and no-one or no-thing was to blame, it just happened? A Universal lesson for everyone involved... sent to teach them whatever it was they were meant to learn from that traumatic experience?

Answering these questions can give us powerful insights into ourselves and how we view and process blame. What follows are my own epiphanies around the ethos of blame, in particular, blame-shifting as a consequence of obsessive control and chronic victim-blaming. Both were extremely gnarly observations, distrubing glimpses into my subconscious that I had to learn to admit, own and process so that I could transform my thinking into a more balanced and healthy mindset. 🙏 ⚖

Blame and Control

Full disclosure, people who blame others for their tragic circumstances or 'bad luck' used to completely f*%#-ing disgust me (and still do if I don't catch my judgy-ass in the act! 😅😳😬). Like come on, own your shit! Take responsibility for the part we play in every situation, be courageous! But some situations in life have made me re-evaluate my stance on blame, and question why I felt so appalled when people threw up their hands, surrendered control and pointed the finger of blame at someone (like their family) or something (like a medical or psychological label). I've since learned that balance between personal culpability and a healthy sense of victimhood is required; and boy, is that ever a fine f*$^ing line! 

How do I know this? Well, true to my tendency as someone who finds the act of 'polking my brain and tiny human Ego with sharp pointy sticks' in the form of profound self reflection a sort of masochistic artform, one day I confrontingly discovered that to gain power and control in my life, I literally blamed myself for EVERYTHING! Yikes 😲. It occurred to me that I avoid being a victim for the same reason others seek out that state (or so I assume... which is nearly certain to be wrong 😂). While some are keen to forfeit their culpability and control in a situation, I fight to retain it. So much so, that I will actively find a way to blame myself for whatever part I played, even if I was completely innocent. 

Upon exhaustive analysis, I found my brain had been following this enigmatic logic... If I am the cause of the issue, then I can also find the solution and manipulate the outcome. Put another way, if I'm to blame then I'm in control. And if I'm in control I can relax, because I'll find a way to fix it, to make things right. 

I'm not sure when this hard-wiring came into effect but it undoubtedly had a lot to do with my childhood, being a very common trait amongst other 'adult children of alcoholics.' I resented some of the decisions that were made by my care-givers but I had no control over what ultimately happened, so I over-corrected by becoming obsessed with control in my adult life. Indeed, both past and present indications to my addiction to control are well documented, if not embarrassing... perhaps slightly amusing?

I fully appreciate that what I just wrote could be interpreted as 'oh, she blames her family/upbringing for her control issues... hypocrite!' and guess what, in part, that is correct. I used to blame, and it was not only unfounded but toxic, destroying my familial relationships for a time. Challenging that old blame-assigning mindset led me to the thesis of this very article, allowed me to feel compassion for my family and have empathy for the difficulties they were up-against, forgive and let go. 

Victim Blaming... Even When We Are The Victims 

If the revelation above was confronting, this one might be described as distressing. 😳

Wanting to do something good for my community, I signed up to volunteer for Victim Support. During the three-day intensive training, they gave us a scenario... one that ended up rocking me to my core. The activity was, on its surface, quite simple... discuss 'who was to blame' for a women's death. Forgive me, I can't recall the exact story, but this women had essentially been cheating on her husband and was killed by a mugger or some-such while she was out on one of her trysts. I reached the, to me, obvious conclusion that the women herself was the blame. Damn straight too, the naughty girl! Shitty decisions lead to shitty outcomes... too bad, sooo sad. Yikes 😲

Let's just say that when the 'answer' was revealed by the trainers, I was more than a bit embarrassed by my sentiments and this naturally kicked my ass down the 'blame' rabbit hole. 🐇

Hold up! Why the f*$# did I assume this chick deserved what she got?! Interestingly there were a couple of others in the group that thought this way as well (not that that lets me off the hook), but most intuitively knew that blaming the women was wrong, no matter what she had done to be in that situation. After all, maybe she was cheating because she's in an unhealthy or unhappy marriage, who knows? The point is that I told myself a very judgment-laden story about this women so fast I wasn't even aware of it! And that story painted her with a rather unsavoury brush without considering any alternative circumstances, reasons or intentions.

So why.... why did I do that? Well, it took me months to dig deep and work it out, but the answer was rather F&*#-ing BLEAK to be perfectly honest and a great example of how this healing adventure works... not fun, but it certainly helped me understand myself and my base-assumptions better, enabling me to make the required improvements. 🐇😳

I've been a victim as a child (described here, third bullet point), but I didn't fully remember or realise what had happened until my mid-thirties; the brain is 'funny' that way with trauma. In fact, if memory serves, I only genuinely admitted to myself that it had happened because of my response to this training exercise... after my honest self examination, clearly I had issues in the victim department. My response was not wholly healthy. Intuitively I knew I needed to re-wire some old circuitry. 

I couldn't fully understand that I wasn't to blame until that fateful admission. Worth compassion 💖, the only logical conclusion that my four-year old brain could reach was that I must have done something wrong to deserve what happened. So I carried that hard-wired, firmly-held, warped belief with me through life; sometimes to my benefit and sometimes to my detriment. I couldn't dispute it, heal it, or shift it until I first dug it out of my subconscious and became aware of it. By fighting against owning my inner victimised child I manifested this tendency to victim-blame. Because, again, if I was to blame then I was in control, regaining the power I'd lost. In denying myself the right to be a victim, I also denied myself the chance to process and heal from the trauma. 

Right... who needs some self-care while they recover a bit... ✋💫😅🙋

If Thou Shalt Blame, Thou Shalt REFLECT

Since we're all good people, doing the best we can with the resources available to us at the time, then who gets slapped with the blame-label when shit hits the fan? Who's right? Who's wrong? Who gets to make that decision? What's fair? 

The whole point is that blame is not as straight-forward as everyone would like to believe. As we become more aware we start to see the immense world of grey that lies between the black and white concepts of 'Right' and 'Wrong.' It is blatantly unjust to blame someone's thoughts and emotions, and even actions, without first applying some discernment as to their intentions. Like it or not, they could have had a perfectly legitimate reason for doing what they did... or, they could just be an asshole. 😂😉😝🐇

True compassion is taking Stephen Covey's powerful quote into full consideration, forgetting our own cultural and personal narratives and seeing things from someone else's perspective, practicing empathy. It's so easy to blame when we cannot understand other people's motivations behind their actions, and blame allows us to cope with the fear that is created when we realise we have no control over the impact of other people's actions on us. There are mutliple things we can control, however... Our attitude, our boundaries, our bias, who and what we give our energy to, and our actions/reactions. 🙏💖🐇

Original Publication Date 10 April 2023