Taranaki

No extraordinary day, simply driving up to the Waikato for a leadership workshop in one of the company's many reliable hybrids. 

A twist in the road takes me up to a viewpoint that brings tears to my eyes; the powerful sea to the left and brilliantly green sheep-strewn hilly farmland to the right fills my heart with gratitude. 

Since moving to Taranaki I’m no stranger to these emotional eruptions of thankfulness. Its vast beauty and formidable mountain invokes a mysterious sense of belonging and protection which befuddles me. 

This magical place that has begun to heal the one hundred years of hurt I’ve crammed into thirty-three years of life. 

As I continue into the Waitomo district signs remind me that the Naki will miss me and looks forward to welcoming me back. 

As my tears deepen I hear myself say “How did I get so f&$#ing lucky.” 💖🐇🏔

Our gorgeous Maunga Taranaki as viewed from Lake Dive to the South. Fantham's Peak in the foreground, Mt. Taranaki's summit behind and to the North.

20MRH: One Part Blame Shifting, Two Parts Food Guilt

 

Talking Points:

• Catching myself blame shifting via a yummy gift
• What of Emotional Intelligence?
• Stopping to ask: Whose issue is it really?
• Anger from boundary treading versus hearing an ugly truth
• Blaming is easier then confronting a trait we'd rather not have
• Controlling too much or too little? It's all about perception!
• Healthy control vs addiction, facing an ugly truth
• It comes down to balance and establishing healthy boundaries
• Guilt, yet another clue
• Balance is simple! Let the body show us how... It's so simple... And glaringly ironic
• Going down the Rabbit Hole isn't easy, but it's worth it!

Against the Wind

Ever since I could remember I've disliked the wind blowing on me, and that dislike escalates to near rage while I'm running. In fact the wind is basically the only excuse I use to head inside, opting to use a treadmill; even then the strong fans in the gym can irk me and I switch them off. 💨👎🐇

Fully aware of how ridiculous this aversion is, I went down the cautionary rabbit hole underneath 'The Why.' I found that the constant sensation of fighting to move forward, being held back and pushed around, while my hair flies about my face and into my mouth does my f*^$ing head in. On certain days when it feels like it slows my already tortoise-like pace to a mere crawl, it's enough to inspire a full-on pity party and the only propellants that power me through are blind rage and pure stubbornness. It's bad enough that I actually fear sounds of wind on mornings when I do my long marathon training runs, a knot tightens in my stomach; dread. I head out anyway of course, but I typically need to mentally prepare myself for 'the blow.' (Pun!) 😅

Despite hating the wind I've lived in the notoriously windy state of Kansas, New Zealand's gusty Palmerston North, and endured the hurricane-force gales of South Taranaki where the term 'breezy' basically means 'will turn an umbrella inside out, but won't strip someone of their clothing.' Makes me wonder if I haven't fatefully chosen windy environments to challenge myself... Yeah, that sounds like a bit of me... 😂😇🐇

Anyway, in one instance an easy 8km recovery run resulted in a self-discovery epiphany I could have never anticipated. When I left the gym the wind was eerily calm. Knowing that Hawera can get windy astonishingly fast, and with my planned route in mind, I wanted to ensure that the two longer legs would be with and not against the wind should it kick up. I did the 'intelligent' thing and looked up the direction of the wind on my phone, 6 kmph NNE, barely a whisper. After a quick assessment in my head I decided which way to start my loop and set out. 

Guess what? My intelligent assessment turned out to be completely f*&$ing backwards; NNE doesn't mean it's blowing TO the north, it means it's blowing FROM the north. Ironically, I would've realised this if I had bothered to step outside and actually feel which way the wind was heading instead of making my super smart decision whilst sitting in my car. When I turned to head north along my longest stretch, there it was... feeling more like a roar than a whisper; my foretold aggravation gaining momentum. This time I paused my reaction however and thought, 'Well, I'm not going to stop so I might as ruminate on the bright side of the situation.' Ever the optimist that I am... 🌞🙄

Here's the synopsis:

• My 'duh!' moment made me laugh; I frequently over-analyse situations only to find I've landed on the wrong conclusion. For a smart person, I often do phenomenally stupid shit.
• The direction I took may have put me face-first into the wind, but it also kept the sun out of my eyes so I could see the path in front of me without burning my retinas.
• The face-on wind helped keep me cool on a very warm day.
• I envisioned the wind and I clashing together and combining to form a tornado as we moved in opposite directions. Creating something powerful with the energy I put into moving forward raised my spirits. 💪
• Though it felt strong, the wind was hardly blowing at all. This lead to a humbling esoteric acknowledgement that I tend to 'blow' things out of proportion (Boom! I'm on a roll!). I hate being hindered in my efforts in general, though slowing down typically prevents me from making a fool of myself in the 'long run' (Oh the puns just keep a-coming). 
• Despite the weather conditions, length of the run, or how skeptical I feel about my body's ability to finish, I remember that so long as I take one step at a time I'll reach my goal. I'm grateful that I have the inner determination and drive to keep going. Sometimes it comes from self-empowerment and other times rage directed at an invisible nemesis I can't control, either way I keep moving forward, inspiring pride and reaffirming motivation.
• I spent so much time in my head creating this inane essay that before I knew it I had run the length of the road, turning in a different direction and out of the wind. I even missed it a bit... 👋

Oh, I do love puns!

But wait, thanks to marathon training, there's more! As I faced a fairly gnarly headwind during a 32km run on a different morning, a couple more points came to me:

• I heard the wind as soon as I awoke and the idea of attempting my longest training run, EVER, did not excite me in the least. I began to worry about my ability to complete the run, but I was determined to set a new personal record and knew I had to give it a go anyway wind or no wind. This served to reinforce my sense of resilience and helped me to realise that fear necessitates bravery, and in a similar way, mistakes necessitate adventure. What would be the fun in an easy life without challenges? 🌊💩😅
• The wind reminds me to slow down and keep a sustainable pace. Instead of seeing it as impeding me, I shift my perspective and see how its serving me in its own annoying way.
• Take each gust as it comes; staying pissed at a gust that held me back or worrying about future gusts that may never come is pointless, I can't control it and does no good to fight it (though this is MUCH easier said than done!).
• Despite the wind, despite ANY obstacle, thanks to goal-setting, effective planning, and brute-force resolution, I smashed it and achieved my personal best for distance (until I later completed the marathon). 😎🏆🏃 

All that just to come to this point: By traversing the rabbit hole I found that the wind was a physical manifestation of my own emotional issues. My reaction to the wind largely depends on my inner emotional state; some days I resign myself to it and submit, other days I fight it. I fight like hell to control the uncontrollable. I may run with it in beautiful harmony one day, but it'll break me the next. Though this is a true account of what I experienced running against the wind, upon reflection I see how the wind also functions as a significant metaphor in an emotional sense. As humans we often feel like we're pushing shit uphill, running against the wind; the struggle is real. We all have triggers that push our buttons, and we may or may not understand 'The Whys.' A simple situation, a whisper of wind in the form of an utterance, can cause a torrent of emotions to erupt. 

It seems so silly that I would be so easily enraged by an act of nature that I can't control, but that's also precisely why it bugs the hell out of me. The wind pushes me around and slows me down, it controls me. Historically I've fought against being controlled with every fibre of my being, opting to vehemently fight for control instead of surrendering and reserving my energy for a worthier ambition. It took me years of self-development work to discover that my obsession with control was a coping mechanism for feeling insecure. Deep shit, wounds from previous forms that hadn't fully healed. So some days my emotions are stable, the wounds have scabbed over and are partially concealed... I can cope. Other days those scabs have been ripped off for any number of reasons, they're raw, exposed and delicate; turning a wisp into a gale that knocks me for a six, turning me into a Grade-A Asshole.

These observations and reflections allow me to prove to myself that I can CHANGE my old habit of resisting control and fighting the wind. However foreign it may feel, I can consciously choose to challenge myself, to find gratitude in a situation where I would typically feel angry or victimised by a lack of control. Life is full of such opportunities. It takes courage, but we can all run into the wind.

Original Publication Date 13 January 2021, 30 October 2023

20MRH: News Flash!

Talking Points:

• News Flash!... A piece of the conditioning that informs the Stories that we tell ourselves
• How often do are we fed media that portrays positivity?
• Our addiction to drama and adversity, and how this impacts our own stories/what we tell ourselves
• Why I 'assume the worst' and the true source of my inner stress
• Feeding ourselves positivity requires us to seek it out, there is power in choosing what we feed our fragile psyches
• The viscous cycle... to be news worthy, we need to create our own drama
• Break the cycle... practice compassion
• Expecting others to be perfect, through our own eyes and not theirs, is unjust

The Strength to Start

Reminder: Italicised words are 'From the Journal'

"Ah, the same fear I always feel before a big Sunday run... and especially after I 'failed' the previous Sunday by not hitting my target kilometres. Will I make it? Will I quit again? 'Fall over' from lack of adequate nutrition? I don't know... I never do. As intuitive as I am, I can't see the future. But I do know I've done by best to prepare, I know that my legs are strong and I'm physically capable of completing the training run. No question there... Strength, it all comes down to strength, and there's so so many forms of strength to consider... 🐇🐇🐇

• The strength to push myself both mentally and physically 
• The strength to support and encourage myself instead of thinking I might fail... like last time
• The strength to let this run be this run and not compare it to any others, to practice agility and resilience
• The strength to accept that last time; no, I didn't hit the k's but I did what I felt I needed to do to take care of myself, and I can be proud of that dammit
• The strength to get started; to take the first step, despite the fear, because that's the hardest part!

I used to tell my personal training clients 'the hardest thing you have to do is get here, walk through the door, everything else is easy!' Wise words I've so often forgotten to apply to myself in many different facets of my own life.

... Yes, the strength to get started... to overcome hesitancy, and fear of either failure or success; to grapple with thoughts of all the other things we'd like to do or think we should be doing instead. All those other 'things' piled up like a huge heap of shit placed in front of our start line... but who put it there?🐰 At times it seems like life put this shit in our way. When we dig deeper however, we may find that it is composed of a lot of little choices we've made along the way without realising the consequences. What matters most is that we recognise that only we have the power to move past the stinking stack regardless of what it consists of or how it appeared. 

Ironically, whether we do or don't is of little matter... what matters is that we perceive it as a choice and practice the power of making that decision with awareness. Own that shit! 💩

For me, and my high-kilometre runs, it helps to simply choose to take that first step; nothing else matters. I tried, I practiced finding the strength to start. A different sort of muscle perhaps but one well worth flexing! I find it's also true for my work and writing on my blog. I spend time and precious energy thinking myself into paralysis, so much to do... where do I start?! But often just checking one email, looking up one set of data, writing down one word... Two hours later I find I've been working away contentedly if not passionately, my previous apprehensions or hesitations quite forgotten!

It occurs to me that this resistance to making a start is not only completely natural but abides to the very laws of Physics. There are two common forms of friction, static and kinetic. The force required to overcome static friction (moving something from a resting state to a mobile state) is always greater than kinetic friction (the force required to keep a moving object in motion). This is common sense to anyone who's pushed like hell against a couch to move it, using all their strength to heave it out of it's inert starting position; then we fall flat on our faces once the f*ing thing starts going! Physically, this is because the static friction is greater than the kinetic friction. Further to that, different objects and materials have different frictional values, making them easier to move and get into motion... A ball vs. a block, or sand paper vs. silk... The less 'rough' the easier it is to move... 

If I apply this logic to my training run, or God forbid my personal development adventure, there's a big benefit to smoothing the edges... easing the transition from stillness to motion... what would that entail? Perhaps one drafted email left intentionally behind in my work account to get me ticking along in the morning... A cruisy 7k before hitting a 16k more challenging route... A meme for a blog post I haven't written yet or an intriguing topic left floating at the top of a jounal page begging to be esoterically explored... 

And F* it, if none of that works take a deep breath and forge ahead; take a conscious view of the inner fear, hesitancy, 'should-dos' and any other source of internal friction and proclaim: 'Move over bitches, here I come!'"

Months later, the day before the Auckland Marathon, I was basically shitting myself. Due to some extremely persistant and worrisome chest congestion I hadn't been able to take a full breath in a couple of weeks. I was slowly convincing myself that I wasn't going to be able to finish the race. Conscious of these words I had written, I went to a pharmacy and got some eucalyptus oil to help my lungs and told my husband that I needed him to get my ass to the start line; these were my chosen mechanisms for easing the frictional forces in my brain telling me that I'd fail. I knew, however, if I could just make a start, take that first stride, my body would naturally do what I'd been training it to do for the past 4 months... I'd cross the finish line no matter what it took... and 42.2km later, I did. 

Time to play 'Where's Summer' 😂

Update

Two years later and I'll be honest, not only did I completely forget what I had written about in this article, but I also haven't run more than 20km since that marathon! This is obviously an anology using running, because that's kinda my thing, but getting ourselves to start something, anything, is bloody hard. This is especially true when we know a change is needed but deep, shifting the World or our identity as we know them, so we resist it until life annoyingly puts it in front of us so many times we can't ignore it anymore. Anyway, I caught myself writing something in my journal the other day I felt worth adding here, and it fits quite well especially considering that when I ran that marathon what made it easier to start was simply following the people in front of me, led by the energy of the crowd, all people who I trusted to have trained for the event... 🏃

Life is never easy for long, and sometimes the tasks ahead... or the choices to be made... feel so daunting, so overwhelming, so consuming, I don't want to face them... It feels easier to either run away or stick my head in the ground and pretend it'll go away (both methaphorically, of course)... I FOOL myself into thinking it's not what I want to do, that it feels wrong somehow, that maybe I need to take a different path... confounded by hesitancy and discomfort... when really I only need to choose A path, not necessarily THE path. There is no right or wrong decision, but the confusion stalls me while the sensation of stagnation, of 'being in a rut,' grates like sandpaper against every cell in my body. These feelings have taught me an important lesson... When I don't feel I have the Strength the Start, to lead myself through, it's ok to follow someone else who I can trust to get me moving. 🙏💖

Original Publication Date 28 December 2020, Revised 13 November 2022

20MRH: Miscommunication 101

Talking Points

• The nature of miscommunication, with ourselves and others
• One game, completely difference vantage points
• It's not intended, unless you're a selfish liar
• Communication as a system based on expectation and clarifications; but how do we know what to clarify?
• The FUF, and how it impacts our ability to communication and understand each other
• An example of the impact our background stories can have on what we hear
• Compassion for other peoples' FUF, and displaying empathy as a means of improving communication

20MRH: Story-Telling

Talking Points

• The Starless Sea re-inspired me to talk about the stories we tell ourselves
• The Think-Feel-Do cycle, and where the stories fit in and how they amplify our emotions
• To shift our behaviours we must first hear and understand these stories
• The conscious and subconscious origins of our stories (limiting beliefs, conditions, values, etc.)
• My own example; anxiety, panic and self-fulfilling prophecies
• The story of what we remember versus what actually happened, with the humility of honest hindsight ... it's own rabbit hole 🐇
• It's hard, especially when they re-play like broken records
• Once we're aware of our stories, we can own and choose the stories, create new ones
• Changing our stories will change our lives; but it takes courage, creativity and a willingness to listen
• We can't always control thoughts, but we can always control the stories
• Interesting aside, listen to the way a close friend tells our stories

Other Storytelling Podcasts

• Miscommunication 101
• News Flash!
• Days of Our Lives
• Playing In The Snake Pit

CBT Resource

Selfish Survivor

'I've been thinking a lot about selfishness lately, a quality I've always despised because I grew up keenly aware of this trait in my parents. But straight off the bat I remind myself that it's just not that simple. Sure, I perceived copious amounts of selfishness in them, depriving me of the time, attention and toys that I wanted... but what of my parents' intent? I'm 99% certain they never intended to act selfishly, and 101% certain they did everything within their means; surely that counts for something!? And it does... it allows me to both let go of resentments I may find myself holding against them (be they conscious or subconscious), and become aware of why I don't like selfishness in general. Oh dear, my mind just fell down a rabbit-hole... 🐇🐇🐇

... True, at times I downright despise selfishness, curse the types of people who cut in lines or drive like maniacs trying to get ahead one measly car length. Those people who refuse to share at restaurants because they want to pay for only their own portion. And what of the liars? More and more I feel lying is a uniquely horrid form of selfishness, people withholding the truth that we all deserve. Selfish Bastards! There's just something about selfishness, I f*&$ing hate it (and I don't take that word lightly). It disgusts me... which is precisely why I absolutely berate myself when I notice that I'm being selfish... just like the people I 'can't stand'... 💡💣

I never intend to be selfish though! I'm always supremely calculating, considering my own needs and also considerate of others, weighing the psychological and emotional costs and benefits before making a decision. I try my best to find the happy medium. But, ah, and here's the main (or at least one main) factor... Nobodies 'karmic' scales are calibrated like mine! There will inevitably be times when others will see my actions and/or decisions as selfish no matter how much I attempt to seek a balance in 'fairness.' No one else grew up the way I did, went on the hair-raising roller coaster thrill ride of my life the way that I did... 

Loop 1: Debilitating Anxiety! Panic! WORRY!! 😰💩

Loop 2: Extreme Weight Loss! Addiction to Exercise! Eating Disorder!! 🍗

Loop 3: Moving from place to place, never able to settle down... Never content... 👎

Loop 4: Blissful Marriage, only to be followed by crushing separation. 💔

Inclusive is every imaginable twist and turn in between. All shaping the way I think, feel, act and behave; modifying my entrenched values and underlying ethos. All informing that calculation and how my scales are calibrated. 

I may not like it, and don't, but to others I'd definitely seem selfish... particularly with my time. I swing between being true to myself and my own needs, not caring if/how it impacts others, to feeling horrifically guilty and beating myself up; like a confused Tarzan haphazardly weaving from vine to vine, constantly banging into shit that causes existential pain. Again, not quite able to accept myself and trust that I'm making the right decision because I'm constantly trying to decide, not just for me, but for everyone else to avoid appearing selfish... F*%@ that's hard work! Exhausting actually... So can I learn to trust myself? Be at peace with my intention and allow others to perceive me as a selfish bitch from time to time because I'll never be able to control how others think and feel with regards to my actions? The answer is yes... maybe... sometimes... it depends. AAhhh-ahh-ee-ahhh!(Tarzan call 😅)... ah, FFS... 😣

What constitutes a selfish act anyway? What drives them? I've given it considerable thought and I feel that we Humans are hardwired for selfishness because we're hard-wired for survival. We do what we need to do to survive, sometimes subconsciously without even realising it! We're also inherently egotistical, self-centered (yes, even the most humble amongst us... unless we're in denial 🤔😅). I've finally realised it's not something to be ashamed of; awareness is enough, so I can keep it in check, so it doesn't railroad my relationships. If some downtime is what I feel I need to survive my current circumstance then, yes, I'll blow off my friends to sit alone in a park and stare at a tree and I won't feel bad about it either. Also, if I know I need to save some money, tighten the belt for awhile and I don't have enough money for frivolities, then I'll seem selfish and stingy like one of those dreaded 'non-sharers' I so avidly dislike, for-shame(!)... but no, if it's what I feel is right, then fair enough!

This selfish survivalism may become still more pronounced as someone shifts from a victim mindset to a survival mindset. Say someone has been victimised, repeatedly 'punished' for being overly honest (typically psychologically... picked on, mocked, publically set down, avoided, etc.). To 'survive,' appear 'normal.' they start withholding the truth or even lying. It works so they continue beating that drum, refining the skill, because they have convinced themselves (again, likely subconsciously) that it's essential to their survival (socially). 

Here's my own rather bleak example... All I ever wanted was attention. As a child I felt neglected, so I gave and gave and gave everything to everyone; time, money, anything. What I FELT I typically got in return was rejection (perceived?... probably, but not always), but more often I was simply taken advantage of (didn't realise it at the time of course 👀)... without wholly realising it, I became cold, sheathed in rock-hard ice to protect myself. Add to that childhood obesity and semi-conscious over-compensation for self-consciousness (woah), and ABRACADABRA... Overtime I grew mean, jaded, callous. I made people cry for my own amusement, carried a notebook overflowing with ready-made insults. Because I learned to read people more easily than I can read books, my words were targeted and poignant, puncturing people precisely where their insecurities lay hidden (or so they thought)... I became a bully. 

Those who know me now would never guess that about me, I've evolved since then, but I did it to survive the circumstances that my constant attention-seeking and fear of being called fat had manifested. I'm working hard on melting that permafrost still now; I do so deliberately, carefully and in full awareness of;

1) Why I thickened it to begin with, to avoid getting screwed over by people I shouldn't trust, and/or giving away my precious mental, emotional and physical energy.

2) My tendency to be stingy with my resources because I now expect people to take advantage of me, or reject me in some way. 

I've had to re-learn to trust others and, most of all, rebuild my own sense of worth in healthier ways. That process very much involved thinking about selfishness differently, and softening the harsh judgments of both my past behaviours and the behaviours of others.

Phew! Quite a deep rabbit-hole this one... For now, I'll practice giving others the benefit of the doubt next time I catch myself thinking 'what a selfish prick!,' remembering they did what they felt they had to do for themselves and their sense of survival. Trusting that it must have felt right to them, even if it felt wrong to me. We'd do well to remember that sense of compassion so that we can treat ourselves the same way. Yes, I may at times act selfishly and/or be perceived as selfish; but so long as I'm at peace with my intention, do my best to strike a BALANCE, then I can accept my choice and the perception, hell even judgment, of others.

Original Publication Date 05 December 2020, Revised 18 March 2023

20MRH: The Power of Perspective

 

Simply put, Perspective matters, and we can look at a situation one particular way for a long time then suddenly 'unlock' a new vantage point (in this case, to my own benefit). 😊

Some pictures to assist in what I saw:

1) The damn strap wouldn't tighten! The buckle was too far to the right and I could see how to move it. Things stayed this way for months, and since it made rowing uncomfortable and frustrating, I avoided rowing.

2) Holy shit, I can shift the ENTIRE strap to the left (not the buckle itself). Duh!

3) Now my foot fits nice and snug and I can row-away to my hearts' content. If the buckle moves back to the right, I effortlessly move it to where I need it to be. Yay!

20MRH: Goals, Intervals & Feels

Talking Points

• A practical approach to comprehending Self-Love and Self-Acceptance 
• The nature of goal-setting; pros and cons
• Concept of intervals as small smart achievable goals
• The goal deterrent: Fear of failure
• The importance of entering Permission-Mode
• Learning our boundaries when shit falls over, setting needless goals
• Don't hate, mitigate; make a new plan/goal!
• There is no failure, only feedback (even when it's unwanted)
• Lastly, but not leastly, the importance of Self-Care