The Blame Game

Sure, we've all done it... blamed the cat or dog when it was actually us who let one rip. My favourite fart related blame-shift was onto my heavily pregnant Sister, who was so shocked when I loudly damned her for her flatulence in front of a crowd that she couldn't even defend herself against the accusation 😂💖💩. Blame shifting is extremely common in our society, at times small and rather insignificant like lassie's wind-breaking, and at times so momentous it can shatter our relationships. Let's be honest, we've all copped heat for something we didn't 'really' do; I commonly do this when I know I'm right but I'm either too tired to explain myself and simply don't care enough to defend myself (wisdom is often compared to knowing when to choose our battles!). Conversely, we've all blamed others for something that didn't necessarily have anything to do with them, not literally, like the person who 'made us' ass-pack the car in front of us because they texted us and we looked down at our phone for too long 💥📱😖. 

Blame is something that has continually kept my discerning analytical mind deep in consideration, and I now feel ready to put forth a couple of radical ideas to explore, along with all their weird and wonderful nuances 🐇:

1. Blame-shifting is fundamentally disempowering, if not cowardly
2. Victim-blaming is falsely assuming people put themselves in situations to be intentionally victimised (This point becomes especially bizarre when we add in a dash of self-blame, my personal specialty which I'll elaborate on later 😅)
3. A cornerstone of enlightenment... deep, meaningful and balanced wisdom, includes realising that blame, in general, is F&*#-ing BULLSHIT! 🐃💩

That's right, I'm proposing that blaming others for something that's happened, big or small, not only takes power away from us but is also a unique flavour of logical fallacy once we're able to look beyond our own conditioning enough to see this. We are all choosers, deciders, and play at least some small part of everything that happens in our lives and the lives of others. The right choice for me today may well be the wrong choice for me tomorrow, or the wrong choice for someone else entirely. That choice may then lead others to blame me for it's impact on their life, something I may have been able to anticipate yet decided to do anyway or couldn't have anticipated in my wildest dreams... but it doesn't make either one of us right OR wrong. 🐇💣

The Blame Conundrum, An Anecdote

Alex goes to the grocery store in need of milk. While at the store it gets robbed. The robber yelled at Alex to 'get on the f*@$ing ground,' and in haste Alex's untied shoelaces caused Alex to trip and inadvertently launch the purchased milk at the robber. This startled the already antsy robber and as a result the trigger was pulled and Alex was shot. Alex didn't die, but was left with a hideous facial defect from the gunshot wound. Unable to accept his appalling new facial feature, believing it would prevent a future with meaningful relationships, authentic love or a family, Alex suicided one year later.

Phew, that's some heavy shit! But more to the point, we can analyse this narrative to dissect the various ways one can assign blame. SPOILER ALERT! It's based on our personal assumptions, which themselves are an eclectic amalgamation of our life's experiences, cultural, societal and familial influences, not to mention the expression of our DNA (aka Nurture and Nature).

Who is to Blame for Alex's demise? 🤔

- Alex himself for choosing that precise time to go get milk, for failing to tie up his laces, or committing the act of suicide?

- The untied laces or perhaps the milk for causing the confusion and resulting chaos?

- The other person in the shop who failed to stop the robber when they had the chance?

- The robber, who pulled the trigger causing Alex's strife?

- The people on Tinder who couldn't bring themselves to 'swipe right' due to Alex's superficial deformity?

- A mix of some or all of these things?

Other Provocative Questions to Ponder....

• Who would Alex blame if we had a Ouija board and could ask?
• Who would their friends and family blame?
• What if "It is what it is," as they say; and no-one or no-thing was to blame, it just happened? A Universal lesson for everyone involved... sent to teach them whatever it was they were meant to learn from that traumatic experience?

Answering these questions can give us powerful insights into ourselves and how we view and process blame. What follows are my own epiphanies around the ethos of blame, in particular, blame-shifting as a consequence of obsessive control and chronic victim-blaming. Both were extremely gnarly observations, distrubing glimpses into my subconscious that I had to learn to admit, own and process so that I could transform my thinking into a more Balanced and healthy mindset. 🙏 ⚖

Blame and Control

Full disclosure, people who blame others for their tragic circumstances or 'bad luck' used to completely f*%#-ing disgust me (and still do if I don't catch my judgy-ass in the act! 😅😳😬). Like come on, own your shit! Take responsibility for the part we play in every situation, be courageous! But some situations in life have made me re-evaluate my stance on blame, and question why I felt so appalled when people threw up their hands, surrendered control and pointed the finger of blame at someone (like their family) or something (like a medical or psychological label). I've since learned that balance between personal culpability and a healthy sense of victimhood is required; and boy, is that ever a fine f*$^ing line! 

How do I know this? Well, true to my tendency as someone who finds the act of 'polking my brain and tiny human Ego with sharp pointy sticks' in the form of profound self reflection a sort of masochistic artform, one day I confrontingly discovered that to gain power and control in my life, I literally blamed myself for EVERYTHING! Yikes 😲. It occurred to me that I avoid being a victim for the same reason others seek out that state (or so I assume... which is nearly certain to be wrong 😂). While some are keen to forfeit their culpability and control in a situation, I fight to retain it. So much so, that I will actively find a way to blame myself for whatever part I played, even if I was completely innocent. 

Upon exhaustive analysis, I found my brain had been following this enigmatic logic... If I am the cause of the issue, then I can also find the solution and manipulate the outcome. Put another way, if I'm to blame then I'm in control. And if I'm in control I can relax, because I'll find a way to fix it, to make things right. 

I'm not sure when this hard-wiring came into effect but it undoubtedly had a lot to do with my childhood, being a very common trait amongst other 'adult children of alcoholics.' I resented some of the decisions that were made by my care-givers but I had no control over what ultimately happened, so I over-corrected by becoming obsessed with control in my adult life. Indeed, both past and present indications to my addiction to control are well documented, if not embarrassing... perhaps slightly amusing?

I fully appreciate that what I just wrote could be interpreted as 'oh, she blames her family/upbringing for her control issues... hypocrite!' and guess what, in part, that is correct. I used to blame, and it was not only unfounded but toxic, destroying my familial relationships for a time. Challenging that old blame-assigning mindset led me to the thesis of this very article, allowed me to feel compassion for my family and have empathy for the difficulties they were up-against, forgive and let go. 

Victim Blaming... Even When We Are The Victims 

If the revelation above was confronting, this one might be described as distressing. 😳

Wanting to do something good for my community, I signed up to volunteer for Victim Support. During the three-day intensive training, they gave us a scenario... one that ended up rocking me to my core. The activity was, on its surface, quite simple... discuss 'who was to blame' for a women's death. Forgive me, I can't recall the exact story, but this women had essentially been cheating on her husband and was killed by a mugger or some-such while she was out on one of her trysts. I reached the, to me, obvious conclusion that the women herself was the blame. Damn straight too, the naughty girl! Shitty decisions lead to shitty outcomes... too bad, sooo sad. Yikes 😲

Let's just say that when the 'answer' was revealed by the trainers, I was more than a bit embarrassed by my sentiments and this naturally kicked my ass down the 'blame' rabbit hole. 🐇

Hold up! Why the f*$# did I assume this chick deserved what she got?! Interestingly there were a couple of others in the group that thought this way as well (not that that lets me off the hook), but most intuitively Knew that blaming the women was wrong, no matter what she had done to be in that situation. After all, maybe she was cheating because she's in an unhealthy or unhappy marriage, who knows? The point is that I told myself a very judgment-laden story about this women so fast I wasn't even aware of it! And that story painted her with a rather unsavoury brush without considering any alternative circumstances, reasons or intentions.

So why.... why did I do that? Well, it took me months to dig deep and work it out, but the answer was rather F&*#-ing BLEAK to be perfectly honest and a great example of how this healing adventure works... not fun, but it certainly helped me understand myself and my base-assumptions better, enabling me to make the required improvements. 🐇😳

I've been a victim as a child (described here, third bullet point), but I didn't fully remember or realise what had happened until my mid-thirties; the brain is 'funny' that way with trauma. In fact, if memory serves, I only genuinely admitted to myself that it had happened because of my response to this training exercise... after my honest self examination, clearly I had issues in the victim department. My response was not wholly healthy. Intuitively I knew I needed to Re-Wire some old circuitry. 

I couldn't fully understand that I wasn't to blame until that fateful admission. Worth compassion 💖, the only logical conclusion that my four-year old brain could reach was that I must have done something wrong to deserve what happened. So I carried that hard-wired, firmly-held, warped belief with me through life; sometimes to my benefit and sometimes to my detriment. I couldn't dispute it, heal it, or shift it until I first dug it out of my subconscious and became aware of it. By fighting against owning my inner victimised child I manifested this tendency to victim-blame. Because, again, if I was to blame then I was in control, regaining the power I'd lost. In denying myself the right to be a victim, I also denied myself the chance to process and heal from the trauma. 

Right... who needs some self-care while they recover a bit... ✋💫😅🙋

If Thou Shalt Blame, Thou Shalt REFLECT

Since we're all good people, doing the best we can with the resources available to us at the time, then who gets slapped with the blame-label when shit hits the fan? Who's right? Who's wrong? Who gets to make that decision? What's fair? 

The whole point is that blame is not as straight-forward as everyone would like to believe. As we become more aware we start to see the immense world of grey that lies between the black and white concepts of 'Right' and 'Wrong.' It is blatantly unjust to blame someone's thoughts and emotions, and even actions, without first applying some discernment as to their intentions. Like it or not, they could have had a perfectly legitimate reason for doing what they did... or, they could just be an asshole. 😂😉😝🐇

True compassion is taking Stephen Covey's powerful quote into full consideration, forgetting our own cultural and personal narratives and seeing things from someone else's perspective, practicing empathy. It's so easy to blame when we cannot understand other people's motivations behind their actions, and blame allows us to cope with the fear that is created when we realise we have no control over the impact of other people's actions on us. There are mutliple things we can control, however... Our attitude, our boundaries, our bias, who and what we give our energy to, and our actions/reactions. 🙏💖🐇

Original Publication Date 10 April 2023

Volcanic Guilt

TRIGGER WARNING: This post touches on aspects of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Disordered Eating within the context of my marriage's demise. 😳

It is deeply vulnerable, brutally honest, contains a lot of unedited F-bombs and may be a bit F*&#-ing BLEAK on the whole (akin to listening to "I Know It's Over" by The Smiths 😅😭). I wrote this to sate my own need for healing as a way to express and process my grief. My Intention is to openly share a very apt example of how profound emotional issues can lay submerged in our subconscious for prolonged periods of time, how they might present as elusive self-sabotaging behaviours, and to contemplate what the hell to do with them when they finally come bubbling up to the surface. 

I'm struggling and no mistake. I'd have to guess, based on last night's nightmare, that he took the booze and sowed that lie exactly one year ago and something deep within my psyche remembers even though the exact date was never verified. The nightmare helped awaken me to the fact that I feel he proverbially 'Spat in my face,' just completely rejected me... his act was an act of purposefully malicious sabotage of our marriage. He may as well have ripped up our marriage license, vows, pictures... everything... right in front of me and said "You're a psycho that I don't want to be with anymore." In committing that act he abandoned me, left me no choice, gave me no control, no options to better myself to save our marriage... 💡🐇💣

Fucking hell, that just made me realise how badly I blame myself for our marriage ending. 😱😵😭

And isn't that a fucking classic example of victim-blaming and my proclivity for refusing to see myself as a victim... I can't allow myself to be the victim. Instead, I make myself the villain, the control freak, the monster, the person no one in their right mind would want to be with... and by-so-doing, I punish myself, I sabotage, I undermine my basic values and literally de-value myself, obliterating my self esteem. Quite frankly, I intentionally scare the shit out of myself, I've been doing it for about a week now... How? One of my biggest triggers... fucking food... literally eating anything I can get my friggin' hands on and invoking the intense fear of weight gain. 😣💥🍪🎂🤢 

The majority of people would say "But some indulgence, especially during the holidays, is normal! What's the big deal Summer? Relax, it'll be fine." Yet only those with disordered binge eating who have fought this particularly horrendous mental illness can understand how truly dangerous it is. These behaviours harm my mind as much as my body, likely more-so given they fuel the very vicious cycle of imbalance, like a gently undulating sea turned into a torrent of turbulent swells. 🌊

Fuck, I DON'T DESERVE ANY OF THIS! So what the fuck do I do?! Is it as simple as becoming aware of these underlying false beliefs and calling BULLSHIT again and again until I believe the true version of the situation instead of my distorted and self-deprecating version? How do I stop blaming myself for the fact that someone... No, not just someone, the person I loved most in this world, who I made personal and material sacrifices for, who I stood beside when no one else would, who I gave a BIG second chance to when he'd betrayed me the first time with a relationship-shattering lie (well, more of a withheld truth / lie by omission)... crossed the line I had so very very clearly drawn in the sand. Metaphorically by committing this act, he looked me straight in the face and walked right over it. At that point I had to let go for my own good... and perhaps for his as well... I can't Know, I don't have visibility to him anymore. 🤷🤔

No control, just a void where the wedding vow of "I Will" once occupied... I fucking hate lying... and now I'm a liar because one year ago I had to face the situation in front of me and say "I Won't," like the bleakest Meatloaf Song. The worst part is I can't even be pissed... I'm too sad, too devastated (even a year later) to be truly angry... Too shocked that he'd throw away an otherwise beautiful marriage, all for a lie... A lie he told to hide from his own shadows. 🙈🙉🙊

I've not been able to find these words until right now, this very moment, and I'm grateful for them... grateful for the sadness... my heart has been holding onto this for a long time and that's a heavy burden to bear. This heartache grew to a crescendo until it drove an insatiable hunger, a way for my Body to awaken my conscious mind to the latent grief that required attention. No, I am not wholly the victim in this situation and I won't pretend to be... I wasn't a perfect wife. I have Dizzying divergence and other quirks that I can imagine being difficult to deal with day-in and day-out as a partner... but isn't that marriage?! To love someone despite their flaws? Fuck, maybe - potentially - even loving them because of their flaws?! That's what I tried to do for him... but we both failed I guess. Neither of us could accept each other's worst shadows when it came down to brass tacks... so fair enough. 👋

All I can say is that I'm proud of myself for being constantly, bluntly, vulnerably, transparent and utterly HONEST about my shadows. I KNOW them, OWN them, and educate my loved ones about them... They are me and I am them. Whole. I asked for help, support and encouragement when I could feel my inner asshole grow stronger if/when life stressors got too great to manage with my normal resilience habits. I never hid the monsters inside me, because over the last 10 years I've paused, reflected, dug deep, delved into my iceberg and explored myself. It was a hard and sometimes terrifying adventure, but eventually I taught myself how to love them, embrace them, view them as a superpower. For me, this was an essential part of healing and it's fucking gruelling work... so some people lie instead of taking accountability of their own demons... and people who can't be honest with themselves sure as shit can't be honest with others. 💩👀

I made it clear I couldn't be with that kind of person, someone without the courage to confront their own shadows. For the simple cost of open honesty, I'd do everything it took to ease the discomfort of that process and provide unfailing support, I'd forgive any slip so long as I knew about it before everyone else... but it was in vain. 

One year ago a choice was made... to lie. Unfortunately I'd suffered as many lies as I'm willing to suffer in this life already, I was tapped out... so I left. I left my home, my cat, my dreams of our future... I left and I've never looked back. After all that I'll be fucked if I'll continue to lie to myself! An unhealthy lie that my shadows ended our marriage... that I'm wholly to blame. Finally, A LIE I CAN CONTROL. So I will. 👌🖕😅

There's so much to be grateful for... I'm grateful for a timely heartfelt insight, so I can calm this self-inflicted subconscious internal anguish I've been unjustly enduring. 

Regardless, from the actual day, I've been thankful for these intuitive Knowings: 💯

• I was happy in my marriage right up to the second I decided to leave
• I have ZERO REGRETS, it was worth the risk
• The pain of our separation enabled me to learn self-care on a whole new level; I dialled that shit up to expert-level 😂🏆
• I was happy in my singledom the second I decided to leave... thoroughly at peace with my discernment of the situation and it's long-term implications

Unconditional love is extraordinarily rare in this life, and I may not have gotten it from my marriage but I'll damn sure love myself that way because it's what I fucking DESERVE. It's what we all deserve. 🙏💖

Here it comes... the ugly cry 😭💔... and I'll celebrate every tear because fuck I earned this right, this release, to be free of this wretched guilt. I deserve to reclaim my worth and feel secure in myself... shadows and all.

I had my most trusted editor, my Sister, vet this article for me to ensure I wasn't being too overt with the message and that it flowed well... I found her Insights rather wise and amusing. 💞😅🌋

I especially appreciate her analogy because it relates back to our Human Iceberg comparison... Whether by fire or ice, failing to expand our awareness and/or ignoring what lies deep within us is a dangerous game to play; we get burnt either way... Our triggers give us significant indications of what snakes lay within ready to strike us or others if we remain oblivious to ourselves. 🐍🐇😳

And on that cheerful note, a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! 😅🎄😇🎉

Added 28 February 2026: As I reflect this Daring act, I marvel that I failed to check back in to mention that three short months after writing this ... he died, and my grief escalated to a whole new level of F&*#-ing BLEAK! 😅💩

Original Publication Date 24 December 2023

20MRH: Compassion, The Highest Expression of the Heart

Talking Points

• Compassion, our highest form of self expression.... But how can we express it when we're next-level pissed
• F#$* 'just let it go'

• The struggle; why I feel pissed and how I've tried to cope
• The light bulbs goes off; my previously mislaid compassion
• Remembering that I can't drink from an empty cup, finding the compassion within and repercussions of victim-blaming
• Over compensation and the resulting 'f#$* you' for others
• Non-verbal and heart-felt expression
• Extending compassion to those who've hurt me and the nature of resentments
• The impact of shadow-casting, and why people abuse power and control
• The importance of healing the underlying thoughts, healing that victim to address mis-assigned blame
• Compassion for ourselves and our shadows, is compassion for others
• Compassion versus sympathy, a critical distinction
• How think and feel cycles land us in shit situations

Related Articles: Pause for the Cause: Understanding the Think-Feel-Do Cycle; Who the Hell Just Said That?!; Definition: Resentment, Protecting the Pearls, The Miraculous Sunday, Parental Permission, The Blame Game (To come)
Related Podcasts: Creativity, The Highest Expression of the Brain; Courage, The Highest Expression of the Gut
Referenced Materials: mBraining

Ethereal Equation

I don't have much to say about this really, it's more about questions to ponder while digesting a seemingly uncomplicated equation. Nothing could be further from the truth however, because there are innumerable brain-busting layers to these three simple variables. For many, this effective equation is an awareness-expanding game-changer, creating rabbit hole upon rabbit hole; try not to get lost. Here we go! 🐇🕳🔦🤪

Firstly, time to get honest, we all know it's a bold-faced lie when I state 'I don't have much to say', I have plenty to say... always.  But, I'm super conscious of my Intention to softly plant seeds of awareness-raising concepts instead of pounding them down people's throats. So here's one of my first meager attempts. To set some boundaries and give myself a fighting chance, I'll attempt to mostly leave it to the questions at the end and largely let the memes do 'the talking.' There are a couple of key  themes we would do well to scrutinise first, however, to fully benefit from this psychological statement. 😅🤷✨

Mindset and Attitude are CRITICAL 🙏💞
Our reactions are inseparable from our mindset. If we believe the event has happened TO US, adopting a victim mindset, then the reaction and subsequent outcome will be vastly different than if we were to view the event as happening FOR US, seen from a growth mindset. An attitude of gratitude and willingness to learn from the event, whether we perceive it as 'good' or 'bad,' will heavily influence how we react (hell, we may choose not to react at all 🤔). 

Note: There is no victim-blaming here, no judgment, no 'right' or 'wrong'... Everyone deserves the autonomy of their responses (after all, we're each good people doing our best with what we've got), but we must also hold responsibility for the outcome(s) either way. 

Growth mindsets, gratitude, wisdom, EQ and self awareness all take time and practice to cultivate, which is why it's unsurprising that our go-to knee-jerk reactions are driven from our limbic system, based in survival, threat and fear instigated responses. We will seek to regain power and control, fight for our ingrained values, and put ourselves in a 'winning' position before we even realise what we're doing. Shit, I don't know about others, but I'll be damned if this type of response hasn't absolutely screwed me in the past. 👀👎😅

We so quickly become invested in the outcome that serves US best, gives US the most power and control, having things 'our way,' that we forget to ask others what they think, collaborating on what the outcome should be to benefit all the people impacted by the event. I can't think of a single example where asking others for their opinion hurt the outcome, but I can think of heaps of times that my decision turned out to be hilariously short-sighted. As a result, damage-control became necessary. Again, a slice of humble pie anyone? 🥧🤤😳

Shifting from our innate, anxiety-prone, threat-based and close-minded point of view to a wiser, prosocial, open-minded position, requires time! ⏰ In the short-term we need at least 15-30 seconds for the adrenaline to wear off, and in the long-term years to systematically Re-Wire those rapid-fire reactionary circuits to make better, BALANCED, decisions. Acknowledging that the more sustainable latter process indeed takes considerable time and inner work, I welcome everyone to do what I do in the meantime... rejoice in the hilarity of our tiny human egos, throwing adult temper tantrums when an event crops up that displeases us. We all regress and throw our toys when we feel hard-done by life's challenges, and though it may not be funny in real time, it's damn-sure amusing retrospectively. 👶🧸🤣🙄

[Shit, ok... that was a bit of a Sledgehammer-rant. I'll do better with the next point.]

Sleep On It 😴🛌
The equal sign is our signal to PAUSE. The length of the pause will be proportional to the quality of our response and thus the outcome. This is also needed to take stock of, and/or adjust our mindset... or chuckle at our own whimsy. 😉💩

[Nailed it! 🔨👍]

Questions to Consider

• What is the best long-term outcome? 
• Am I being, or will I perceived to be, an A-sshole or a balanced, emotionally intelligent person with integrity?
• What would I want to happen if there were no restraints or barriers in the way?
• Will I be PROUD of my response and the outcome in hindsight?
• What are the potential unintended consequences my response?
• Am I being authentic, and following my wise moral compass and displaying kindness / empathy / compassion, or am I lashing out because I feel hurt / disempowered / out of control / fearful / anxious?
• Will I be building TRUST and creating a safe environment for others by withholding judgment, or am I making false assumptions, listening to my brain's questionable narratives, and potentially damaging my relationships and/or reputation?
• Am I re-acting and making the issue worse, or pro-acting and leading myself and others towards an optimal solution?
• Am I likely to experience sensations of guilt or regret?
• If I make a dog's breakfast of the situation, am I willing to reflect and learn from the outcome so I can adjust my mindset/moral compass for future events?

Lastly, I'll just leave this gently here... 🙏💖😅

Original Publication Date 07 July 2024

The Spectrum

I've already touched upon the enigmatic expanse of confidence, yet feel something remains amiss. I hadn’t yet sussed out what constitutes true, authentic, confidence. How do we Know when it’s real, either within ourselves or others? Humans are both competent in and capable of appearing confident when we actually feel almost debilitatingly insecure. Call it ‘fake it until you make it,’ or 'doing the duck;' each carries an element of chaos hidden underneath what would otherwise seem a smooth forward trajectory to others.  Conversely, we can remain entirely blind to these underlying insecurities and subconsciously overcompensate by blowing straight past confidence to conceit. Somewhere between the two extremes we achieve a notion of ‘I've got this’ with no other residual emotional undertones whispering in the depths of our psyche, the sweet spot of security. So how do we know when we've hit this fulcrum upon which we can BALANCE and maintain a healthy sense of Self? 🐇😵🐇

Luckily, a friend who shares my enthusiasm for esoteric gymnastics helped me locate the missing piece of this puzzle. A culmination of what I attempted to describe as dichotomous emotions along with leveling-up in the worth department. These concepts lay on a SPECTRUM 🌈. What we think versus how we feel constitutes the axis of this spectrum, and our inner dialogue allows those two intelligence centres to communicate (or argue, depending on where we are in our adventures 😅). Conflict does unfortunately reign however, as the western world socially conditions us to rely heavily on our logical brains, leaving intuitive feelings for post-modern hippies and batty new-age spiritualists 🙋. This often leaves us confused and frustrated, THINKING our feelings rather than actually FEELING our feelings; receiving the 'communication' as a tried and true heartfelt sense, instead of a thought solely from the Brain (a subtle difference that eludes us until we experience it first-hand). 🐇🤯🐇

Here's my hypothesis after nearly 14 years of polking both head and heart with the double-edged sword of awareness... The interaction between these two sources of information, Head IQ Vs. Heart EQ, establishes a critical relationship within ourselves. For myself, I've discovered that this is the most essential and meaningful relationship I will ever be in, yet I was dangerously unaware of how past traumas had obliterated this precious partnership. My brain grew accustomed to bullying and asserting its control over the calm and quiet pleads from my heart, smothering that intuitive voice, willfully deaf to its input. A rather f&*#-ing BLEAK end of the spectrum to be on! Still, I know others who predominantly ‘follow their heart’ and wind up in the shit for making blatantly illogical/impractical decisions, all in the pursuit of the warm fuzzies, perpetual happiness, or love/attention/approval from others. Worse yet what of those people, dare I say 'The Donald' who seem blissfully unaware of any shortcomings they may have, going through life blaming others for any misfortune they might meet or believing they're legitimately better than them and thus deserve a bigger slice of the pie. Yikes 😳. I'd strongly argue that their inner relationship and heart/brain communication circuits is just as dysfunctional as mine were before undertaking the mammoth effort of healing. 🐇🙏💖

Balancing on this spectrum requires us to REFLECT, become aware and get f**#$ing honest about what we think and how we feel; owning both our strengths and opportunities to develop further, and accepting the current version of ourselves with integrity without regret. Allowing Brain and Heart to listen  to each other, reconcile any points of contention, hopefully resulting in more balanced decisions and growth spurts in our sense of 'wholeness' and wisdom.

And since this is the Rabbit Hole, here’s another caveat to consider: I find that emotions which arise from my hearts' intuitive vibes tend to be more stable and consistent throughout time, that fundamental “I know who I am, what I like, and what pisses me off”... no matter how many times I try to convince myself otherwise to suit the current situation and/or relationship. Alternatively, slippery emotions that arise from thoughts are much more turbulent and transient. These thought-based emotions were almost exclusively instigated by social conditioning and past experiences, which at times make them inherently flawed false beliefs. My hyper-analytical brain tends to operate at squalling extremes, whereas my heart takes a more patience and steady approach. For example, my heart would never feel that putting my hand in a boiling pot is a good idea but my brain might if it thinks I need the $100 simmering at the bottom. 

Our intuition lets us know when something is good (🦋) or bad (💩), and these sensations persist over time; they stay with us for a while. How do I know?... because the phrase 'I should have listened to my gut' is so f*%#ing common! By comparison, the rapidity of analysis, complex interpretation of 'go'/'no go' inputs, has our brains' undergoing emotional whiplash as we transition from loving to hating something, and back again, in a matter of mere seconds. And hey, this is just a 'brainy' concept formed at this specific stage of my evolution, so maybe it'll change... but it feels right. 😂😉🐇

I happened upon this hypothesis honestly as I began to sort through my inner bullshit; sorry, 'opportunites' (it's all about perspective after-all 😝💖😇). The scars left by my aforementioned trauma had these two voices in ceaseless conflict; severe and diagnosible anxiety ensued. My heart yearning to love and trust, my brain opting for rationality and risk-aversion. Allowing my brain to prevail seemed the safer option, in a misled yet well-intentioned attempt to protect my heart from further suffering. Ironically the panic I experienced swinging wildly between IQ and EQ, racing along the axes of the spectrum at a pace even The Flash would envy, literally had my heart beating to bursting point. I’d then beat myself up with a ten tonne naughty stick for making such a righteous mess of everything and failing to be more compassionate. IRONY. Buying into the toxic lie that I deserved the torment because I was imperfect, broken. Intuitively however, I knew all I had to do was sit back and watch things unfold, get out of my own way. Without a belief of the bigger picture, something that knew more than my tiny human ego, what I came to treasure as an avid faith in the Universe, my intuition scarred the shit out of my brain because it was foundless and risky. If I'm honest, it still does. The difference is that I'm now conscious of this spectrum, of the two voices and why they might get it a pissing match from time to time. This allows me to deliberately balance and remain within the Sweet Spot... Plus or minus the odd-tainty. 😂😖😎 

I reckon if having a healthy inner relationship was easy, there would be a lot less assholes and pain in this world.  This is why I strongly feel that the gateway to the sweet spot, to Balance, is trust. Trust in ourselves to take care of situations that directly involve us, and trust in the Universe to sort out everything else that’s outside of our scope of our influence.

The result of this integrated TRUST is security. 🔐🙏💖

Original Publication Date 02 February 2019, Revised 25 June 2023

20MRH: One Part Blame Shifting, Two Parts Food Guilt

 

Talking Points:

• Catching myself blame shifting via a yummy gift
• What of Emotional Intelligence?
• Stopping to ask: Whose issue is it really?
• Anger from boundary treading versus hearing an ugly truth
• Blaming is easier then confronting a trait we'd rather not have
• Controlling too much or too little? It's all about perception!
• Healthy control vs addiction, facing an ugly truth
• It comes down to balance and establishing healthy boundaries
• Guilt, yet another clue
• Balance is simple! Let the body show us how... It's so simple... And glaringly ironic
• Going down the Rabbit Hole isn't easy, but it's worth it!

Fortuitous Forty

My 40th year is upon me, and I hope like f&$! this cliche holds true! Four decades, and true to my inherently reflective nature, I wonder... What the shit do I have to show for it? What have I learnt?

The former question sits within a dark abyss of complex emotions... so let's just leave it for now, shall we? The latter question seems more do-able. 😇💩

Thanks to Facebook memories, my CV, and key blog articles I've penned (typed?), it's not terribly difficult to discern where my Mind, Heart and Spirit were at throughout these informative years. And thank goodness, because if I had to rely on my own memory, I'd make an absolute dogs-breakfast of this reflection. Ironically, I'm grateful for my blogs in a whole new sense now. Look, I realise I'm no author or influencer with my words, but nevertheless they serve an important purpose for me; through the lulls and mania, I wrote or didn't write. My periods of silence as 'loud' as my bursts of creativity. My written and spoken words are the gifts I offer this world, capable of motivational inspiration but also great ire in others. 😅🤷 

Nevertheless, I could not have accomplished the self-development I've managed without these expressions. My blogs articles have facilitated my learnings and self-actualisation, shared in my vain hopes it will have a parallel impact on others who relate to my insights. So to whoever is reading/has read, thank you, may they continue to serve us well in some way... And hell, there's always a hope I'll be famous posthumously! 🙏🐇😇😆

Anyway, before I get too esoteric, on the whole, all I am certain of is... well... my thirties were... a total mind-f*$! if I'm honest. Wonderfully, epically, WEIRD. These were the experimental years, each of which included deliberate analysis, disassembly and reassembly of who I am; a complete rewiring as I shifted over time and became who I am now... Sometimes loving that person, sometimes hating her... somehow always finding a place of peaceful acceptance. There's been a plethora of battle scars, but also amazing miracles and adventures too, that's life. 🤔🌈

Short reflections for each year, along with my favourite article from the blog archives and pictures of my aging process to follow... 💖🙈🙉🙊💖

2014 (30): Life finds ways to remind us of our dreams, and sometimes kicks our ass out the door if we forget about them. 

Ahhh, what a trip down memory lane, I actually remember this birthday! I was a Kansas homeowner working overnight shifts at both the Pharmaceutical plant and McDonald's. I invited both groups of work friends over and sure enough, they mixed like oil and water. 🤣 The main highlight was my McD friends creating a predictable level of drama, getting hammered, acting childish, overloading my porch swing and causing it to fall down. 'Luckily', my exit strategy to NZ was already in place 'thanks' to a situation that forced me to confront a deep knowing in myself... To be fair, nothing short of this debacle was going to push my comfort-zone clinging, this-is-what-life-is-meant-to-be, conditioned mind past the fear of living my dream; ironically allowing me to literally take flight. 🛫

Birth of a Kiwi (30/05/2014): Holds some gory details around my US exit, and a solid lesson in the repercussions of shit-talking your manager in a country where 'you're fired' is both serious and immediate. 😳

Making 'lemonade' from my sour life lesson by using the stand-down time from my soon-to-be-ex-career to go to Germany and catch up with a couple of my best friends from University. 🍋😅😎 (13/05/2014)

2015 (31): Sweating Cortisol is a real thing; the Universe tested my strength and dammit, I'll f*$!ing swim to NZ if needed! 

Physically getting myself to NZ was literally the most challenging test of my human resolve that I've ever faced, and it was probably the first time I realised that 'the easy way' just wasn't going to be my life path... in any situation. 🤷 [Note: Existentially, without victim-blaming, I'm still trying to discern how much my underlying assumptions plays a part it that. i.e. If I expect life to be tough/assume I can only learn and grow through pain... well, that's what I manifest because 'thoughts expand' according to eastern spiritual doctrine.] 

Anyway, LOOK OUT NZ, HERE I COME! Despite mild culture shock, largely centred around confusion over produce items like courgettes, capsicum and sultanas, I easily settled into NZ life. Highlights included breathing in the amazingly refreshing NZ air as I quickly started doing every tramp I could find, securing a new job, making some great friends, and by far the biggest win of obtaining NZ Residency in record time; which meant my one-year working holiday visa could be extended indefinitely! Finally, after a lifetime of searching, I was home. 🏡💖

US Exodus Chronicles: A horroring and nearly unbelievable series of events

• Day Zero: SNAFUs #1 and #2 (07/02/2015)
• Sweet Mother Mary and Joseph: I Finally Made It Out! (08/02/2015)

I wasn't in NZ yet, but hell, at least I made it to Australasia! 🌏 

2016 (32): All work and lots of play makes Summer a busy-as Squirrel.

Thanks to my tendency to be absorbed in relationships and work, this was a fairly uneventful year on paper yet quite eventful in a social sense, with heaps of flat parties and friendships formed. After I got my Kiwi residency and no longer needed a 'credible' job in the view of the NZ immigration bureau, I took a real gamble and started my own personal training business, Squirrel Fitness! 💪👏

Exercise: Push Through or Pull Out? (18/10/2016)

My mate Col and I at a friend's wedding. We used to go for weekly walks and coffee dates. A top chick! 💕

2017 (33): We are not Humans having a spiritual experience, we're Spirits having a human experience.

I'm fairly certain this is the year I forgot how old I was, and my sister and I found out (the hard way) that we both base internal awareness of our age by the fact that we're 14 months apart. I couldn't remember how old I was because she couldn't remember how old she was, and vice versa. 🤣

Oh boy, and was there ever some drama early in this year... 💩💣

On a semi-related note, I moved to Taranaki and committed to 'Dairy for Life' this year! A wise choice indeed. 🐄😉

E = mc^2: The Many Names of Universal Energy (04/10/2017, Originally published as "Who is Monti Tao?")

Ah, the year Praying Mantises replaced all previous forms of faith.

2018 (34): A delightfully Delphic year spent dissecting self worth... while running... heaps.

After the plot twist that led to my Taranaki relocation, I undertook the emotional processing necessary through endurance running. My best insights come from moving meditation when my mind and body can wander together, and I had a hell of a lot of self worth work to sift through. Besides, nothing inspires inner strength like physical strength, I've always marveled that where the Body goes the Mind will follow, and vice versa. Though it rarely feels like it, it's our conscious choice that determines which is leading. 🧠😅😇

Waking Up to Worth (14/04/2018)

The only feeling better than crossing a finish line 42.2km from its start is the hot shower and turkish meal afterward. 🎽🏃😋 

2019 (35): When I know what I want, I don't hesitate...

Goodness, an amazing year indeed. My gorgeous then-14-year old Niece came over for a visit and I got hitched!! A subconscious indication that my previous self-worth work had manifested a love I dreamt of my entire life. Apologies, the pain of his recent passing is still a bit too fresh... so that's all I can bring myself to say. 

A Whole-Hearted Decision (15/09/2019)

We had so much fun! And I sent her ass to Hawera High School for a week for some 'Kiwi Education.' 😆🤓📚

Despite what I couldn't anticipate would come later, I back the risk to this day; loving literally every moment of my marriage, for better and for worse. Worth it. 💖💫🙏🐇💔

2020 (36): I will sacrifice a knee for a medal, which is an ironic way to back myself.

I'd find it difficult to believe if anyone forgot this year started with an epic LOCKDOWN, during which I realised the extreme gratitude of having my husband to share that experience with; we authentically had a good time and made the most of it. Since gyms were off limits, I took to training for my second marathon. Truth-be-told, I hit the wall during the previous one and wasted 20 precious minutes lying in the grass and crying. My determination was such that I felt I needed to recover that time and complete this race in under five hours. 😂⌚

And, spoiler alert, I did it! Despite the fact my right knee blew out around 38kms in, I took a handful of ibuprofen (passed to me on the run), slammed an energy drink, and said f*$# it, sub-five or bust baby!! 🤦💥 

Isolation, Grief and the Power of Choice (05/04/2020)

The best part of this marathon was watching my husband zip around on a scooter the whole time to make sure that I had what I needed. He was having a blast. 😂 Having him speed ahead of me likely motivated me more than I realised as well. 🙏💖🏃

2021 (37): Being cut in half like a rag doll, and sewn back together, is a great way to get to know my body on the deepest level... and also to get a new belly button.

My husband and I did five of NZ's great walks while no tourists were allowed in our country. My God were they ever epic, the Tongariro Northern Circuit being my favourite. I really don't think there's anything better than going bush with no phone for four days and carrying everything needed to survive over that time in a tramping pack strapped to my back like an adventure-turtle! 

As if that wasn't physically challenging enough, I flanked these tramps with major surgery. It was a procedure I'd wanted since completing my weight loss in 2008, and a saga I hope to be brave enough to write in Shape Shifter [Part 3] someday.  Intuitively, I knew I couldn't remove the one kg of excess skin until the motivation shifted from body-hate to body-love, which only took a mere thirteen years. 👀👊😅👏 

Apologies, I have no link to share for this year because I was so busy doing great walks, undergoing said surgery, and fulfilling my ambition of becoming 'Little Bo Peep' I apparently didn't have any time to write! Hand raising a day-old kid and 3-day old lamb was full on, but it was so much fun when they weren't driving me insane and eating all our plants. Watching Xena (goat) and Ellie (sheep) play and prance was a compelling time-waster! 💖😆

Turns out, this is the only type of motherhood I've even been suited for... even more true considering we rehomed them when they grew too big for us to handle. The fact it's not socially acceptable to do this with human children is the very reason I've never wanted any. 😖😝

2022 (38): Six-packs are possible, and 'some' aspects of genetics are highly advantageous.

The year started out by me setting a goal to achieve the six-pack I never thought possible after a 23-year period of morbid obesity. And all I can say is this... abs are indeed made in the kitchen as much as the gym. It requires extreme physical and mental discipline, but it is possible! Funny enough, I had confidence I could do it because I clearly carry my father's genetics and he was a legit body builder my whole life. 💪 

Speaking of my Dad, I also went back to the US for a visit this year since it had been awhile and I was fairly convinced my family had forgotten what I looked like. One of my proudest moments happened when I went to my Dad's local gym with him; the guy at the counter let me in for free and remarked "I've never been more certain that this is a man with his daughter." 

Healing for Humanity (06/06/2022)

Thanks to the permanent stitch now holding my abs in the right place, I was confident in my body's infrastructure, while my genetics gave me confidence in its muscle-building capability.
I am literally my father's clone! 💞🙌

2023 (39): To love, I require and deserve complete and unwavering HONESTY.

Woooo, this one's a bit of a write off if I'm honest. Decidedly  f&*#-ing BLEAK. I remember that first sardonic thought as I packed up what little I wanted to take with me then drove away... "Now I just need to wait for my next husband to get divorced." An insightful glimpse into how I process emotional pain with dark humour (or how I don't, more like). 😅😳

Anyway, I did what a gypsy spirit does under such circumstances and gapped it to Europe with my Sister and still-gorgeous Niece, while pondering all new levels of the never-ending self-acceptance rabbit hole. 🐇🕳🙏

A Little Prick (30/12/2023)

Iceland has no lack of outrageous waterfalls! And even in mid-Summer, it's f*$# freezing in the north. 😂⛄❅

2024 (40!): Things happen to those who persist through the struggle and wait for the Universe to bring the right opportunity. And nothing makes me feel both the strongest and weakest I've ever been than sitting with, breathing through, and accepting unmitigated misery.

Right, can't lie/won't lie... those uprocessed emotions from 2023 finally caught up with me, just in time for my 40th birthday, and shit got gloriously BLEAK... I'll leave it there. 😳

Alas, the Universe doth eventually provide the right opportunites for progress. A fateful trip to Singapore for a neuroscience-focused coaching certification course evoked many unconscious and intense insights, and I've finally got my mojo back! 😍🙆🙌💓

I needed to go through this attrocious transition into forty to finally fully recieve the critical life lesson of learning to process emotions I find distressing, instead of shoving them down then watching the shit show of self-destructive behaviours snake their way up to the surface as a result... Life, ay? 😅😵🤦‍♀️

My Universal reward for having completed that gnarly bit of substantial healing work is a year-long hiatus in Shanghai! So, here's to winging it for a year in a totally new physical, emotional and spiritual environment and culture as this gypsy takes flight once more. 😉😎

Perception Versus Reality (23/06/2024)

I LOVED Singapore, which gives me hope for the Shanghai relocation. 🎉👌 

Original Publication Date 01 September 2024