The Price For Freedom

Dedicated to my sister, my Heart, and published with her permission. 🙏💖🐇  

That song, that f*$#ing song you sent me… Good god damn did it tear a hole inside me, one I’ve covered up with various things for years beyond counting. I’ve forgotten why I left or I never knew to begin with; I really can’t say. I just knew my heart couldn’t heal and my Soul couldn’t be at peace in that place. I wasn’t strong enough to stay, and I’ve never understood how you could. I’ve gone back and forth so many times in my mind, now knowing if I felt you were courageous or cowardly, lazy or tenacious. I’ve never really understood you, just accepted that you are you and I am me, and we’re both shockingly similar yet fundamentally different all at the same time. Our stories riddled with irony.

Why does this song cause me such a torrent of tears? A full-on ugly cry? Admittedly, the first verse alone made me stop it the first time I tried to listen, but recognising there was an critical lesson to learn from the writhing emotions leaving me extremely unsettled during my morning cardio and yoga routine, I came home resolved to listen to the whole thing… Sweet Jesus.

I feel my tears come from a rather bleak realisation, my first glimpse embarrassingly, into how you might be feeling… waiting for me to come home and wondering why I left; and you’re one of the three epic loves of my life to experience the jagged edges of my flighty Gypsy Spirit... I'm sure he felt that way too over the last year. Leaving the door open, willing to accommodate my particular needs and personality nuances, just to spend even a moment with me. My god, I’ve never seen it that way before, and to think I might have caused you that delicate mixture of hope and pain is ripping me apart from every angle of my being. After everything that happened to us the last thing you deserved was to be left by another person in your life… yet you let me go without so much as a word. Selflessly, you only ever wanted me to be happy. Sadly, I mistook it for apathy.

You are and have always been the one person, the one detail of my life, I never wanted to leave behind, but selfishly I knew I had to… I could never thrive there; I felt a compulsion to fly away in pursuit of god-knows-what. I wasn’t strong enough to stay. You were the one true sacrifice I made. I’ve always been thankful that you granted my freedom with such grace, because you’re the only living person that holds that level of power over me. The only person I unconditionally trust.

I left for so many reasons, some conscious, the vast majority either subconscious or down-right unconscious. Hopping around at first, not too far from the nest, until I felt the very soil under my feet burning me alive every time I thought I’d found a safe place to land. At first I assumed you understood but actually wanted me around without wanting to hold me back, over time I somehow deluded myself into thinking you were better off… if I was around all the time than I’d just annoy you until you didn’t want me around anymore anyway. I thought the trips every few years would sustain us… It wasn’t until you gifted me that song that I truly started to understand your perspective and perplexity.

🎵🔊“Don’t you find it strange that you just went ahead and carried on?”🎵🔊

I’ve asked you that question in various ways over the years, but I can’t say I’ve ever comprehended your answers which largely centered around your stubbornness. I always suspected you weren’t telling me how you really felt. And now I don’t honestly know who was strong, you for staying or me for leaving… The truth, of course, is that we both are in our own ways.

Where some develop roots, for many complicated reasons most of which are beyond my human comprehension, I grew wings; I cherish and value freedom and flight… And this is the price I’ve paid in pain up until now, it’s left me homeless without a genuine sense of belonging. Free to be anyone and live anywhere, I relive identity crisis after identity crisis, fumbling. The freedom I cling to has become a barrier as so many options lay in front of me that I am paralysed by choice, not to mention the familiar sense of not knowing what I ultimately want to do with my life. I do not now, nor have I ever, had a clear vision of what I wanted. I’ve been a blackbird lost in a storm, enjoying transient moments of calmness within the eye before recklessly throwing myself into the wall to face the next challenge head-on. I did it to survive, to fight, to feel strong… now my muscles are so heavy I grow tired easily, still with nowhere to roost that feels right.

Symbolically I’ve always known this… nearly a decade ago I had the scene inked into my skin. You perched blissfully on your comfy branch back at home, stable and stoic… me up and flying off… it never occurred to me you’d ever felt like I left you behind; miss me. How could I ever expect you to understand what I didn’t understand myself? And, for all my brainy intellect, I remain woefully ignorant despite what feels like five lifetimes of lessons and jarring human experiences crammed into less than half a typical lifespan. Ironically, you are as strong if not stronger than me through staying… But then we always shared our delight in irony.

I left to heal, I left to discover myself, I left to find happiness, to ‘feel out’ where the hell I belonged… What I’ve discovered leaves me as confused as ever. Here I sit a million miles away from where started, yet somehow right back where I began. Lost and confused, not knowing where my home is… Yes my mind, heart and Soul have changed in many ways, yet I’m living this strange exquisite Universal irony of losing her all over again, just in a different form… supporting another person with her name, feeling that familiar grief. Suddenly I get it, she used to call me her heart, drunkenly slurred but purely authentic, I was her heart… just as I’m realising that you are mine, and my home is where my heart can be found whenever I sense it's lost.

All that said, I honestly have no regrets. I’m grateful for each and every lesson this lifetime has afforded me, thankful for the resilience I’ve cultivated, and profoundly humbled by all the connections I’ve made across this Earth. More and more of late, however, I feel that true thriving is not somewhere I have to try and find, it’s following my moral compass and trusting the rest to fall into place no matter how terrifying or uncomfortable. That compass has been recalibrated many times as I evolve, reshaping the scars of my past into new mindsets and ways of being, informed equally by my rational mind, compassionate heart and my gypsy Spirit.

This song wholeheartedly touches me because in it I hear you calling me home, for the first time, and it's agonising. Though I’m finally strong enough and there is no one on this Earth I’d rather grow old with ... still I cannot go back. I may not know where I belong, I only know that it is not there. The pain my heart suffers as I listen to this song, as I think of you, is the price I pay for freedom; something my Spirit demands. But yes, my heart will always pull me towards my home, towards you... inspiring the internal friction and the next storm brews. Another opportunity to gauge my compass. 🧭🐇

Perhaps I don’t belong there because I belong everywhere else, to continue my adventures and worldly connections with as many other human Souls as possible. Regardless, thank you for sending me this song, thank you for helping me understand my own heart on a deeper level; most importantly, thank you for wholly accepting all that I am and all that I am not, sacrificing your sisterly love so I am free to fulfill my purpose. 

Original Publication Date 12 May 2024

Falling Down The Rabbit Hole

A change. No, not simply a change, a fundamental shift. How am I ever to articulate the transition from who I was, to who I am, to becoming who I’m meant to be? A future version of me I've not met yet, teeming with the potential of the unknown... How can anyone for that matter? Is not the culmination of these transitions called life; our own personalised evolution as Human beings? And how do we really know these various iterations of ourselves anyway? Are we what we think? How we feel? What we do? Or some baffling combination of the three? What lay hidden beyond our wakeful minds that we couldn't fathom in our wildest dreams? 🐇🤯💣🐇

And so my hyper-analytical mind has obviously not left me, but I process what I’ve experienced over the last 15 months by creating an entirely new blog since my musings have moved away from hard science into a Universe where everything and anything is possible, as I embrace the weird and wonderful. Here I'll begin to explore the staggeringly complicated interactions between all that resides within the human complex: Mind, Body, Spirit and everything in between. Why? Well, because undertaking this expedition has somehow morphed me from chronic people pleaser, anxiety-ridden rage-o-holic, control-freak extraordinaire, dry-drunk addict, starving myself into senility due to an unhealthy relationship with fear and food, confused cyclone of once-suppressed emotions, to the healing mess of a compost heap that I am now and whom I love dearly. So many times during my life I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be... I was a tumbleweed, too afraid to lay roots, blown about by life's gusts and the wind of other people’s emotions. An insecure young gypsy without boundaries or self worth; my inner compass spinning wildly as if stationed at the Bermuda Triangle.

 

But I’m getting ahead of myself, as I do. I started Analytical Ramblings of a Scientific Mind because I threw myself into self-facilitated Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) after the end of my first major relationship and needed a way to linearise all the light bulbs it started setting off in my mind. I somehow knew I needed to change if I was going to repair my life and build healthy connections with the world and people in it. But F*$! if life hadn't dealt me some blows! Traumas that created entrenched self-defeating thoughts, emotions and behaviours I was hopeless to heal until I learned how to own them. I wasn't ready to undertake said healing, however, as I was only into the first layer of the onion. My internal relationship was still a bit rubbish so despite everything I'd written about and learned from my CBT, I repeated the cycle in another romantic affair about six years later. F&*#-ing BLEAK!

So guess what, this blog comes into fruition for the same reasons as the first; another ending leads to a beginning. I'm an onion layer deeper!... And, here's hoping there is no third (but there definitely will be). 😅💩🙏

Ever the perfectionist, at first this all had me feeling more than a bit embarrassed. WTF?! Hadn’t I learned? Hadn’t I changed? Hadn’t I already been through this BULLSHIT? How the hell could I have allowed another broken relationship to happen?! Ironically my vocation at the time as an instructor in lean manufacturing principles and effective problem solving led me to the obvious conclusion... I had addressed the direct causes of my underlying issues (i.e., the first onion layer), but not the root causes; the deeply seated patterns in my hard-wiring that made my life a groundhog day of what felt like life kicking me in the methaphorical nuts. Where would I find the strength to undertake another eye-watering layer?

I needed a passageway, like my previous CBT resource, some process to follow... and judgment be damned, what resonated with me at that fateful time was Tarot. I'm not going to bother delving into what Tarot is and isn't, it's a topic I get rather heated about if anyone ever wants to offer me a long black and let me rant for an hour. Hell, I couldn't even put a link to 'Tarot' because everything the internet has to say about it rightously enrages me. 🤦😂💭🙋

I can only say it’s not something I'd recommend for those leery of painstaking introspection. Imagine 'boot camp' for people with a high degree of self-awareness and emotional empathy, or perhaps a ‘school of hard knocks’ for developing healers. Summarily it was three parts magic, one part practicality and eights parts confrontation of my inner shadows (i.e., those shitty qualities which promote a sense of shame). It was a combination of starting an epic adventure facilitated by The Fool, reading books that spoke to my Spirit and introduced me to mind-blowing concepts, and exploring the emerging topic of emotional intelligence (EQ) through a series of leadership courses offered through my work. During this time I made shocking discovery after shocking discovery about myself. I found my aforementioned self-awareness had been a double-edged sword, a weapon I repeatedly misused. Instead of wieldlng it to cut back and free myself of the cobwebs spun by self-sabotaging brain spiders, I cut myself by dealing blows of chronic mistrust and self-punishment. I'd still be bleeding if it hadn't been this Tarot-inspired pilgrimage of internal exploration, and the conscious choice of self-acceptance.

It’s been an absolute whirlwind of significant changes. Indeed, the person who is sitting down with my laptop now may look the same, but I am a completely different person. I’ve learned how to get out of my Head and into my Body, Heart and Spirit, living a more integrated and whole way of being. BALANCED. The overall effect has led to a kind of freedom; freedom to be my true unconventional Self, unapologetically. Welcome to the Rabbit Hole! 🐇

It’s now about asking the tough questions, shining the light inwards to find the answers by expanding our awareness; at times methodically turning the subconscious into the conscious, and at other times going completely on innate intuition. It’s also about coming to terms with the fact that sometimes there are no answers, and we need to get on with life despite the uncomfortable void that uncertainty leaves behind. Most importantly, it’s about tackling that most elusive of self-development topics: learning to restore our internal relationship and attain authentic love within; I say 'restore' because we damn-sure weren't born hating ourselves! Elucidating the path to finding our unadulterated-selves, which it is not a path of sunshine and daisies necessarily. Traversing this terrain takes serious courage and a genuine willingness to confront the nastiest parts of ourselves and show them some love. 😈😇

I write with aspirations of expanding the awareness of others using the same tools that have helped me: relatable yet poignant stories, sensible and effective analogies, and above all, a relentless sense of irony and humour! For maximum absorption, please read with an open and reflective mind, asking ourselves the meaningful questions: Why do I think that way? Why do I feel that way? Why did I do that?

Lean-In. Go gently. 🐇💖🙏

Taking the leap into this inquisitive mindset requires bravery, a bit of foolishness, risk-taking, and a willingness to tackle our own bullshit and self-imposed limitations. Remaining a victim of luck and circumstance is easy, feels safe, and gives us an excuse to maintain status quo; a dismal place wherein we blame others for our own unhappiness. As painful as its' been at times, I'm eternally grateful to have outgrown that mindset enough to see the value in this nutty quest, to propel me ever-forward.

Original Publication Date 07 December 2018, 11 June 2023

The Ironical Asshole

Esoteric Hypothesis: If we were assholes more, than we'd be Assholes less.

Firstly, I've googled, ironical is in fact a word... 🤓

I've mentioned my zeal for ecstatic Irony many times in many articles, and will continue to do so since the biggest mind-blowing 'mother-of-all-ironies' I've yet to articulate in writing, but for now please bear-with as we explore the logic underlying this particularly delightful rabbit hole. 🐇🐇

My theory relies on the premise that if we can learn to OWN our inner 'Asshole,' our 'shadow' self, our 'dark' self, our 'worst' self, our 'lower' self, or however we like to identify/name that part of our psyche that thinks, emotes and acts in not-so-kind ways and is indeed quite a little prick, then allowing ourselves to be assholes when it's appropriate we'd counter-intuitively be less 'Asshole-ly' in our day-to-day lives.  And yes, the 'when it's appropriate' barometer will require some trial and error to fine tune. At the very least we need to understand it's a grey area where the spectral centre point will differ from person to person. For example, I continually need to pause to consider whether it's best to 'ease-up because we're all human and life ain't easy for anyone' vs. 'let 'em have it you magnificent velvet sledgehammer because they need a friggin' wake up call!' 🖁😅

The mega-Asshole comes out when we continually ignore or completely suppress the smaller, gentler, less terrifying asshole who arrives whenever someone or something has tread upon one of our values, beliefs or boundaries. Instead of honouring that knowing and speaking our truth, we tell ourselves 'No! Go Away! I can't be an asshole right now because...'

• People won't like me...
• I'll upset or hurt someone...
• I'll get in trouble or there will be negative consequences...
• I'm afraid of conflict...
• [Insert any number of other reasons we suppress our wriggly little anger snakes 🐍👿] 

We deny ourselves the right to be a bit of an asshole to make our boundaries visible to others, to protect our values and beliefs or trust our intuitive senses. Over time, once we've done this enough the assholes build up, form an army of ferocity, become the Asshole. Then, at the worst or perhaps most inopportune time, KAPLOW, out the Asshole pops like an over-wound Jack-in-the-Box to inspire fear in the hearts of the poor SOB on the recieving end... to surprise and shock us all, including ourselves! 💣😨

Embarrassment and shame often ensue as a result of these explosions, damage control and apologies are required, which unfortunately only serves to reinforce the false beliefs that we must dampen or hide our assholes. This is how the cycle perpetuates itself, and will continue to do so until we consciously intervene by working out when and where it's appropriate to be an asshole, and the volume to which we should allow the asshole to speak up. 🗣

I'd argue allowing ourselves to be assholes for the right reasons (ethically and morally), at the right time, and to the right people, are all critical elements of establishing self worth and maintaining self care to keep our psyche whole, healthy and well balanced. The crux is that we rarely trust ourselves to know when it's the right time and place, we err on the side of caution, may feel the urge but ignore it for too long and miss the opportunity or chicken out, afraid to ruffle feathers. 🐔 

I certainly don't have anyone else's solution to this dilemma, toeing and experimenting with that line is an important and profoundly personal part of the self-discovery process. But as I've practised myself and figured out 'Yes, that was ok... uncomfortable, but ok,' or 'Whoops! that was a bit too much...quick, dial back, dial back!', neither scenario is as bad as either blasting someone with 2-years of suppressed grievances or maiming our internal relationship by failing to express our feelings . Still more sad is the loss of relationships with others over time... relationships that could have been preserved or even strengthened with some difficult yet honest feedback facilitated by our inner asshole. 💔

So no, I don't have any hard-and-fast solution to offer, but I can lay forth some of the complex elements at play to consider, followed by an example of this theory in action in my own life for context and amusement. 😅

• The Situation: I tend to assume positive intent and try not to feel threatened by the opinions of others, but damn is it hard sometimes! First gauge the black, white and grey areas of the situation and ask for others perspectives and any clarifications first. If we're still pissed, show some passion and voice some truth. 🧨🔥
• The People Involved: Is it worth spending the mental and emotional energy? Will it build or protect an important relationship? If not, it may be best to vent to a trusted friend or family member about the situation and see how we feel afterward. If there's still a bee in our bonnet, proceed will showing the person a bit of the asshole. 😉😎
• The Timing: Is it safe for the asshole to engage right away or do we perhaps need to wait to have a private word? Are emotions running high? If so, best to calm down first but do take note of the specifics of the situation as these will be important later, and help give our assholes credibility.
• Our Ability to LISTEN: Beware of confirmation bias and other subconscious biases that may result in us hearing what we want to hear instead of actually listening. It's only fair that we listen to understand the other people's perspective. That's what we would expect! ⚖
• Our Mental and Emotional State: Are we well and feeling like our normal resilient selves or has something else knocked us off our typical balance-point like lack of sleep or failing to do that day's Wordle? Stress will shift our energy into a higher state where our inner Asshole is much easier to provoke, and we'd do well to take a look at those elements before engaging. Abide by the 3 Assholes Rule: If we come across 3 or more assholes in a day, we are the Asshole... Cool it. ❅💩❄🐇

In order to maintain professionalism I won't give the particulars of my example, when I let my Asshole flag fly; but to summarise someone I'm in a program with insinuated they don't see caring for people at work as their priority. Or at least that was my perception/interpretation of what they were saying. I didn't go off the handle straight away, especially since I was meant to only be an observer of the conversation, but it became increasingly clear to me that my perception couldn't be too far off the mark, the exact words being "I don't come to work to make friends..." 😠 The mere thought of this leader holding such an outdated ideal when I firmly believe caring for people will drive productivity and undefinable value in our business left my inner asshole jumping up and down like someone trying to set a new world record in Skip Rope. After careful consideration of the potential impacts of doing so I unleashed, allowed my asshole to speak her truth... After causing a rather awkward moment in the conversation I decided it was best that I step away from the meeting to calm myself, fearing that if I didn't my Asshole would emerge. Thanks to the others on the call the damage control was minimal, I offered apologies for interrupting the conversation and becoming reactive (but NOT for expressing my leadership values). 🏆

I consider this an apt example because the ratio between asshole and Asshole was about 86:14, the boundary wasn't clear and hardly ever is. Was this the right thing for me to do? For me yes, because my value in caring for people as their manager outweighs any guilt I felt at having a go at this person. I have no regret for saying what I said, giving my asshole permission to let everyone know how much I believe in role-modeling authentic leadership. Personally, that's my temperature gauge. If I can look myself in the mirror and honestly say 'I have no apology to offer,' if that's how I truly feel deep down in my heart and gut, then I'm good to go! Potential tears by either party be damned, sometimes we have harsh truths to deliver. 🏃👀 Ahem, and sometimes we need to receive harsh truths ourselves... 👂👈

The asshole is typically manageable for all parties involved on both sides of the situation, and there is rarely a major impact on relationships with a solid foundation of trust. In fact, down-shifting into asshole-mode, showing that we care enough to be honest and lean into an otherwise uncomfortable conversation to seek understanding, builds far more relationships than it erodes. The Asshole, however, creates havoc, sometimes damaging others as well as Self if guilt and regret well-up. In this way our asshole becomes an important archetype and identity, a strength not a weakness or something to fear. When we tactfully deploy the asshole, we speak our truth and display vulnerability rather than deny that voice and ignore our moral compass. Hopefully then, we can become more compassionate to others when we're on the recieving end of their asshole, offer them the grace of human understanding and relate to how they must be feeling, instead of feeling pissy and defensive. 💞🐇

Lastly, it's important to remember, re-iterate and internally re-enforce that other people's reactions and emotions are not our responsibility. And to be fair, on the flip-side, our reactions and emotions belong to us and us alone, but from time to time we need the other's perspective and support in elucidating the nature of our triggers. Again, assuming positive intent can cut out a lot of the noise in that regard. Consider the factors, play with the boundaries, experiment, protect self worth and honour values... but also don't be an Asshole because of carrying around unhealed trauma, ineffectual blame, or a victim mindset wherein chronic self-disempowerment and sabotage keeps the asshole bound and gagged; because saying nothing can also be a sneaky form of Asshole-ish manipulation. 😳

ISN'T IRONY GREAT?! 🐇😂😵🐇

Here's a couple of fun sub-ironies to contemplate for added fun...

• The people who have the honour of meeting our Asshole are rarely responsible for creating all the little assholes that caused the backlog, which is a bit unjust. We CHOOSE to suppress them, the backlog belongs to us (which is why I began this article with the word OWN). 👀
• Some are likely thinking: 'But Summer, who are you addressing here?! There's soooo many people, particularly on social media, who unleash their inner assholes all over the place like explosive diarrhea when they'd do well to shut the f*#$ up because the beliefs and values they're 'protecting' are literally insane! (i.e. radicals defending sociologically harmful ideals, anti-abortionists physically harming women making the right choice for their own bodies, people screaming at the TV when one of the contestants on Bake Off fails to turn their oven on, etc.) Let me be explicit in stating: This article is not for those people, they have grossly over-corrected in extremely dyfunctional ways and they need serious psychological help. All that to introduce this cardinal irony... Only people who worry about and fear giving their asshole a voice would benefit from doing precisely that... Why? because the fact that they're afraid to over-step the boundary and potentially hurt others is a significant indication that their moral compass is intact and pointed in the right direction. That same fear, however, will also slowly erode their innate sense of power, self esteem and trust in themselves; it is for those people I write these words... Screw those crazy Assholes who get emphatically irrate for highly illogical reasons, they hold no such fear and they authentically see nothing disproportionate with their incessant over-reactivity. Best to write them off since engaging only allows them to fling more shit. They're clearly off their rocker. 🪑💩😇

Original Publication Date 08 October 2023

Navigating The Rabbit Hole: A Reader's Guide

It only just occurred to me that people may arrive at The Rabbit Hole and wonder, what the f*$& is this? Where do I begin? What does this blog have to offer me and why should I spend my precious time on this shit?!

Well, in 2011 after I felt sufficiently humiliated and battered by life, I took a crack at justifying why I felt I had something significant to share with the World. I was raised as a, um, let's say lower-class American, with all the life informing experiences that come from a childhood riddled with alcoholism, various forms of addiction, and morbid obesity. My first blog Analytical Ramblings of a Scientific Mind centred around how I began sorting through the resulting colourful mental illnesses that plagued me through my late teens and 20's. Back then I only dabbled in the weird and wonderful (i.e. my unique form of Spirituality), but since then I've shifted. Now becoming aware of the deeper psychological, if not subconscious, aspects that drove those previous anxious and/or unhealthy thoughts, emotions and actions is what really lights me up! I've practised observing myself as objectively as possible, pulling myself up on my own BULLSHIT (while remembering to remain kind to myself... one of lifes' greatest ironies), attempting to build authentic self-worth (while avoiding selfish conceit), and accepting myself flaws and all (while walking the fine line between letting myself off the hook too easily and preventing unnecessary self punishment).

Ah, it's a tangled web we Humans weave for ourselves! Indeed some of us are particularly good at wrapping ourselves up in the invisible chains... holding limiting beliefs we didn't even realise are actually tall-tales we tell ourselves for various conditioned and self-sabotaging reasons.

If nothing else, The Rabbit Hole offers an entirely different perspective; I've never been accused of being anything near normal and seem to be getting weirder as I age and realise just how little I know about myself, despite living in my Body for 38 years and counting 😅. As I evolve, develop, expand my awareness, I find myself asking deeper spiritually-based questions along my endless pursuit of continuous self-improvement, and thus The Rabbit Holes are Created! 🐇🐇🐇

The stories I share are raw, hilarious, tragic, and unrelentingly honest. I publish this written and audio content in hopes others will reflect on the parallels in their own lives; after all, we are all Humans sharing this wonderful shit-show called Life. There are a finite number of emotions, which is why we can all relate on at least some level. I dare say Life is easy for anyone, no matter how their circumstances may appear to others from the outside... 👀💩

Below are some features that I'm hoping will help facilitate effective navigation and allow each reader/listener to have their own personalised experience:

Right-Side Panel

Navigating The Rabbit Hole: A Reader's Guide

I keep this reader's guide pinned to this location for everyone's convenience 😉.

Search This Blog

To the right-hand side, above 'Labels', is a search bar. Use it when looking for content containing specific words. For example, one may want to delve into articles that touch on 'IRONY'; debatably my favourite topic!

Labels

To group common themes I write each blog post under a specific label. While most articles will have multiple themes, I stick to one or two for consistency. The 'Labels' heading can be found on the right hand side (under the Search function), and are as follows. Clicking on any label will take the reader to all articles or recordings within that category, and shows the number of published works in parentheses.

• 20MRH Podcast: Take an animated and amusing adventure with me as I record myself analysing a particular topic. I keep these podcasts to 20-ish minutes since anything longer tests the limitations of the Human attention span. Each podcasts centres around a particular story, experience and/or working analogy.
• Analogical: Any written or audio creation that focuses on using an analogy to make a weighty-concept more digestible. For example, using the game of Tetris to analyse how I feel about dating and romantic relationships. Fun!
• Emotional Adventure: When someone would like to take a deeper look into emotional awareness, intelligence and also conflicting emotions, this is the label for them! This shit is both heavy and extremely enlightening, offering a means of understanding ourselves on a deeper emotional level... Which is important unless we're OK with punching a McDonald's employee in the face because the store ran out of Quarter Pounders 😂😳😏.
• From The Journal: Written in italics, these meanderings come directly from my own journal. Yes, this is actually the crazy shit I write to myself day-in and day-out, and are typically less dense than full articles (though no less illuminating 🔍🔮).
• Poetry: No, I'm no Robert Frost or Edgar Allen Poe, but I have a go 🙏📖.
• Body Lessons: I exercise for my mental and physical health, but also to get my creative juices flowing! Most of my ideas manifest whilst running, rowing, tramping, yoga-ing or lifting weights. These articles are either specific analogies or general rabbit holes I stumble upon during my physical pursuits... For example, how can the sweet-ache of an uphill jog teach me about growth as a person 🏃🤔?
• Self Worth & Esteem: Ah, a formidable topic indeed! The fine line between a healthy sense of worth versus arrogance and/or selfishness is among one of my favourite subjects to contemplate. These works stem from the premise that our worth is inherent, granted to us simply by being in existence instead of being something we must earn... I must continually remind myself of this 👌.
• Spirit Science: Mind-bending concepts, and my personal 'go-to' label for complex analyses... such as asking ourselves "Who gets the blame?" This label exemplifies a scientific Mind at work within a Soul's spiritual realm, using the laws of Physics, Biology and/or Chemistry along the way to aid in understanding. Definitely come prepared to think outside of the box as well as receiving a lesson in Science 📚🤓.
• Subtle Differences: The oh-so small nuances that frame what we say and do, giving essential hints towards our Mindsets. So many things can appear one way under a certain circumstance but completely different from another perspective, yet at face-value the concept seems the same 👆👀👈👀👉👀👇
• Summer's Shanghai Shuffle: A VLOG! Live, unfiltered, and completely unscripted because I work best while 'wining it.' My faithful and fellow philosophers of the weird and wonderful ways of our Universe are invited to accompany me to China where I'll be based in Shanghai for a year (unless I get kicked out or hauled back to NZ 😅). My reasons and intentions are detailed in the first episode, and I look forward to entertaining everyone as I observe myself and others through this cultural conundrum, and share what I'm certain will be humbling deductions... 💯💖🙏

Links

Links to other blog articles appear as Blue Bolded Text, and represent the true essence of the Rabbit Hole! All posts intentionally inter-relate as I attempt to keep my messages consistent even while drilling down into distinct themes, examples and psycho-sociological complexities. By elaborating on common philosophies from different vantage points, I hope that people can grasp these concepts in a way that is meaningful for them and helps build their own awareness. These links create a veritable 'Choose Your Own Adventure' of Rabbit Holes 🐇. Click on any link to go deeper into a different (yet related) adventure and see where it leads!

Unbolded Blue Text represents a future link to an article that I intend to write or is in development (timeline unknown unfortunately)... So, watch this space. 👀😆

My Other Works

Links to my previous blog, Analytical Ramblings of a Scientific Mind, as well as my YouTube channel which holds the 20-Minute(ish) Rabbit Hole Podcasts and the Audio Versions of articles (if there is one 😅). 

Left-Side Panel

Contact Me

I send out an article each week via a Bcc'ed email list (for anonymity). This will either be for a newly created peice or revisions to previous works. This is a means to let me know if this email is of interest, or, if there's any feedback to give. I'd love to hear from the readers either way! 📧🙏

What Others Enjoyed

Top 5 clicked-on published articles, which typically coincides with the article I've sent out via the weekly email list 😆👋. 

Blog Archive

What I've written and when... fairly self explanatory 😉. Rather than troll through the list, however, I've tried to make this easier by inserting Original Publication and Revision Dates at the end of each article. If nothing else, this proves that I continually un-learn and re-learn golden nuggets of wisdom continuously, and am perpetually humbled when I read an 'old' article only to discover that I 'had it all figured out' three years ago... 😅🙇🙈

Report Abuse

I can only assume this is a default function, I certainly didn't put it there intentionally. But hey, if you think I'm being a dick, push it and see what happens 🙋😝💣

Bottom Panel: Resources to Promote Evolvement

A list of just a few of the resources that significantly informed my own weird and wonderful awareness evolution 📚꩜.

General Themes
Language

Firstly, the only truly off-limit words are those of 'You' and 'Should,' everything else is fair f*$!ing game! I abhor the word 'You' in self-development writing as I feel it comes across as accusatory and/or overtly instructional; and for me to be perceived as qualified to instruct others on how to conduct their own damn business is laughable if not entirely hypocritical 🤮. Instead I choose to use 'We,' because we're in this together dammit! I may be the author, but I'm still very much feeling and often fumbling my way through life; at times blindly, banging into all sorts of drama imaginable! I, in NO WAY, want people to think I have it all figured out, or that I have all the answers... that would be supremely embarrassing, especially since I fully expect to be arrested for exercise- (not alcohol-) related public urination some day 😅😂😇😖.

'Should' is also a no-go. Saying we 'should' do this or that subconsciously implies that what we're currently doing is 'wrong' in some way, which is not ideal for growth or healing. I can only speak for myself, but when I started paying attention to how much I heard myself thinking 'I shouldn't say that....' or 'I shouldn't have done that...,' it always inspired a sense of shame and/or guilt. Instead, let's put on our big-boy/big-girl pants and ask the bigger questions: "Why do we feel bad for being ourselves?", or "Why do we do shit that makes us feel like 💩 and/or we know doesn't serve us well?!"

We are who we are, we're at where we're at, and that's OK. If we don't like it, find that it isn't serving us well or helping us be the people we want to be, then we can shift it by becoming more aware. We're all here to learn. 📚

Secondly, F^*# yes I swear! It's colourful, adds flavour and helps keep shit light. Of course it's not intended to offend, so if people feel offended they would do well to explore why... and build their awareness! 😝🐇

Lastly, my articles are meant to be rather complex with a high degree of syntactical sophistication (i.e. impeccable grammar and vocabulary 🤓). This is intentional to create an environment wherein whole Worlds are created by reading between the lines. Reading an article once will provide one layer, while reading them two or three times over time will provide even deeper meanings, especially after certain life experiences give us different lenses to look through. As our awareness and consciousness expands, so too will our interpretation of these works.

Memes, Memes Everywhere!

Yes, I am obsessed with memes. I find they offer the perfect mental break within my meandering written creations. Some are homemade, otherwise I troll Google while writing to find one that fits the works' central thesis.

Author-Narration Story Time! 

For those who prefer to be read to, in my own animated voice saturated with tonal context and oral cues, there are embedded YouTube videos of the 'Audio Version' at the end of each written work. Great for multi-tasking!

[NOTE: I'm Currently Working Through Updating These. Current versions can still be found on my YouTube page.]

Light and Love is for Hippies and Naifs 

Come here for brutal honesty and raw tales of my adventures / mis-adventures (perspective dependent 😝), not a pat on the shoulder or a superficial assurance that 'it'll all be ok.' Will it? Potentionally... Eventually... Maybe at some point... but reading this shit at least gives us brain fuel and viewpoints to tackle lifes' challenges with a deeper sense of awareness, a bit more wisdom, and a lot more dark humour 👻🐇🙏💖.

Original Publication Date 16 August 2020, Revised 23 April 2023.

One Fool's Emotional Adventure

While stretching this morning I got into a bit of an esoteric conversation, as I do, with one of my fellow gym rats. I'm not sure how it even came up, but he brought up revolving mental thoughts, shit going round and round on a continuous loop like a broken record which afflicts a large portion of the human population, driving us mad. Certainly a topic I 'thought' I understood well having written about it before, but after six laborious years of self-awareness expanding 'fun' I now realise I've only just started to actually practice this process and let the repetitious bastards go... not by attempted suppression (which is how we all start out I dare say, and also utter folly) but by authentic implementation of emotional intelligence (EQ) and the due process of letting go. Jesus, that affirms what I've suspected is the hardest part about dealing with life issues and making positive changes on a deeper level, mainly that knowing 'what' I need to do to be happier and more serene is easy. The crux is figuring out the 'how' and actually achieving those changes in a meaningful way so that they are sustainable; six bloody years?! And hell, being completely honest, I'm still perpetually befuddled by the 'shit' that happens to me and throws me down still deeper rabbit holes! 🐇🐇🐇

Inside I'm laughing however, because I love the glorious irony of it all... the very frustration I feel is what makes me pursue these profound contemplations time and again, and by the end of this article I hope the hilarity of it all becomes rather transparent.

I'll admit I'm deep down the emotional healing rabbit hole, and I intend to stay here because the fundamental changes that have transpired as a result are well worth the effort. By effort I mean terrifying confrontations about myself, my past and who I authentically am, meditation, trusting my intuition, daily journaling, walking around Mount Taranaki and tears; lots and lots of tears. Oh, and the odd bought of swearing so profusely that anyone overhearing me might assume I have turrets syndrome. Anyway, circling back to where I started this tale, ever-eager to 'show off' my new and improved way of life I told my gym buddy that those thoughts would cycle until he let them out, talked about them. He said he was and I pointed out that all he was talking about was their mere presence, not what they actually were, to which he responded that he couldn't; it wasn't an acceptable subject to discuss. Uh huh, exactly! In his head those thoughts will remain until he's willing to own them and let them go. When I suggested he explore that notion and talk to a trusted friend, he mentioned that's what dogs were for, and sure, whoever or whatever, just talk it out... but I also needed to point out that he did not, in fact, have a dog. Humans are extremely proficient at finding convenient excuses to avoid the discomfort of pausing to process our own thoughts, emotions and resulting behaviors. 😂😇🐇

From there I mentioned that I talk to my car a lot, telling him about the epic time I released a hell of a lot of anger about my ex-partner and his family. With tears and an extremely liberal use of the term 'a pack of C*#$s', I finally got to vent the injustice I felt during that relationship and expressed my emotions in a safe environment. Afterward I even thanked Raven (my car) for her help in soaking up the shit-storm of emotions. My friend gave me a look I'm all too familiar with: 'What is this squirrely enigma on about?' He went on to explain that when we think of others as assholes, we need to realise that we're actually the jerks; it is our response to people, situations and experiences that is the issue, NOT the actual people, situations or experiences.

Raven was always happy to let me beat of her steering wheel. That's love. 

Hmm, I'm familiar with this line of thinking; it's Buddhist in nature. During said ex-relationship I sought a way to calm the fighting in my head so that I'd stop fighting my partner by visiting a Buddhist centre every week, hoping to gain some clarity and serenity... hoping to 'fix' myself. This ideal, that it is our response to issues that are the actual issue, made sense to me and I strove to embed it into my life. It even felt empowering because I had the control, I had the ability to control my emotions! Or not. I'd fail time and again, things my partner said and did continued to send me through the roof. Afterwards I'd beat myself up for getting upset. Seriously, I left black and blue marks on my self esteem I felt so much shame. Why couldn't I just keep it in and be calm?! I thought there was something wrong with me. Given my turbulent childhood and accumulation of mental health labels, it was certainly easy to believe. 'Who in their right mind would want to be with me?' I'd think... I felt horribly flawed and broken. BLEAK 😅

Now, having done the work I've done in the emotional space, I boldly declare this sentiment is pure and utter bullshit... the f*%@ing Buddhists can keep their lofty concept, for now [I'll contradict this below].... It wasn't sitting well with me and I understood why; it encourages us to suppress our emotions at best, and blame ourselves for feeling anything but calm and serene at worst. Both of which result in decreased self-respect and trust in our emotions and intuitive intelligence. Every emotion has a function, and when our emotions say 'they're being a dick!' it's to help us slow down and question the situation; to ask 'am I staying true to who I am and what I want?' In the case of relationships the fear of being alone usually keeps us where we are, inspiring feelings of entrapment and disempowerment which in turn results in a decreased sense of worth; perpetuating the vicious cycle.

Let me be quite clear, I'm not saying that we shouldn't take responsibility for our emotions.

Feeling emotions does not mean we necessarily need to express those emotions. This is a central concept of Emotional Intelligence, and probably what the Buddhists were actually trying to communicate. Our response to triggers and stimuli do, indeed, need to be carefully assessed, questioned, held up to the light of our conscious for meticulous examination and re-assembled to take out any unnecessary or inappropriate hangovers from our past experiences and/or trauma. Otherwise we'll end up shooting a McDonald's employee for giving us Coke instead of Diet Coke because that is what chronically suppressed anger looks like after forty years. Not pretty. I'll own that I chose to be with that particular person. I chose to stay in that particular situation because I felt myself in love... who else was going to love me? 

So yes, my responses were the issue because I chose to ignore my other non-loving emotions, the warning signs that I shouldn't continue the path I was on, that I was unhappy and devaluing myself by assuming that I was the broken one... Yet I lacked the courage to be honest with myself and leave before it inevitably went pear-shaped and I was left.

Learning to control our reactions to people and situations instead of blaming them directly takes a hell of a lot of EQ and that does not just happen, it takes work and authentic bravery. It takes extreme honesty with ourselves on all levels; mental, emotional and spiritual. Back then, I wasn't ready to hang with the Buddhists, I was still attached and egoically invested in my emotions, had to have someone to blame even if that person was me. I couldn't yet comprehend this esoteric theory so I assumed I was deficient intellectually and emotionally... I wasn't yet accepting of myself, trusting of myself, on the level required to discern that, with time and practice, I'd come to see what the hell the funny little Buddhists were on about.

Hilariously, I thought I could 'fix' myself and keep it all bottled up in my head the way my friend does (to their detriment, I might add) until I read a book that convinced me otherwise. This book insisted that we had to share our 'shame stories' to work our shit out. When I first read that theory something inside me recoiled. Stuff that! I could handle my own issues in-house without infecting others with my toxic bullshit! Well guess what, if I could it bloody well wouldn't have taken me over six years to make this much progress in my meandering personal development journey. Especially considering I thought I had it 'all figured out' back them... such naivete! 😅 The only thing I'm certain of now is that the more I know, the less intelligent I feel. Why? It's a bit like reaching the top of one summit only to discover all the other ranges I must cross; mountains I didn't even know existed until I finally reached the first peak! The difference is my mindset. Before I would've cried in despair, now I laugh and feel grateful for the lifetime of adventure ahead. 

Kevin Biggar's Definition of Adventure. I love it!

My lifestyle and general demeanour almost certainly appear crazy. In fact, I distinctly remember rattling off the various mental illness diagnoses I've received throughout my life with a friend, followed by my assertion that I've never felt more sane despite these stigmas. I then followed it up with a hearty helping of maniacal laughter. Oh yes, to others I must seem utterly twisted! Whole, authentic and worthy, not to mention infinitely less anxious, is how I actually feel. 

My whacky way of life basically involves allowing myself to feel whatever and however I feel without trying to justify it or beating myself with a naughty stick because others may not like it; I choose to defy social standards so I can stay true to myself. It's not easy, it takes conscious effort each and every day. But if appearing nutty is the price I have to pay, done deal! Hell, I'll pay double! The relief from a lifetime of bottled up stress and suppressed emotions is priceless, not to mention the profound elevation of my self esteem. I now appreciate all of my emotions, the good, the bad and the ugly. They are all intuitive signals that one of my values and/or beliefs or being poked-at, just as physical pain cues me to the fact that I'm hurt and need healing and time to reflect on how I landed in that state. All of our sensations deserve consideration, compassion, acceptance and celebration (yes, even the grief and heartbreak!); they teach us what we like and what we don't like, how secure we feel in ourselves or how safe, they define our boundaries.

We were born to feel, to be human, so live! Dig deep, get amongst it. 🙏💖🐇

My Recommendations for Emotional Healing Work:
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
- This inspired nearly everything I wrote related to Self Worth.

The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford
- A powerful resource to recognise, own and even love our inner shadows... the worst of who we are.

Side Note on Humility: There used to be a point in time when I'd rather slash my wrists with a dull and rusty butter knife than read 'self-help' books. I had my issues, but I was strong dammit! A fighter! Oh, I was a fighter all right, but the only person I was fighting was myself and that's a lose-lose situation. Every living breathing human has issues with their emotions, it's a consequence of the human condition. Suck it up, read this stuff. What's the worst that could happen? 😂🐇꩜

Original Publication Date 30 December 2018, Revised 19 February 2023