Heartfelt Handover

What a period of self discovery! I not only accept but now readily embrace my... how to put it... well, Self, I suppose. I describe myself as a Gypsy who looks like Sporty Spice. Someone who requires endless freedom and independence, and instead of feeling ashamed of the oddities these requirements cast upon the external perspective of my lifestyle, I'm owning them as enigmatic gifts; a stark yet interesting contrast to normalcy. More and more, I have no apologies to offer for who I am and what I need to remain healthy, peaceful and balanced in my life. On the surface I might be assigned labels such as 'selfish' or 'peculiar;' I've even heard 'brave,' which I find rather funny and confusing. The very definition of 'unconventional.' Yes, unconventional in literally everything that I do, and I love that about myself. 💎🐇

I f*&#ing hate labels, have always fought against them. Hell, when I was facing the label of 'Fat American with Type II Diabetes' I set to losing over half my body weight, and damn the consequences! I now eat a high protein, mostly plant-based diet, after an ongoing struggle with caloric compulsions, but just watch me fly off the handle when people assume I'm a vegan, vegetarian, or God forbid... 'Keto.' I eat what I enjoy, makes my body feel good, and keeps me fuelled for my workouts; no rules, no diets, no constraints. Actively restricting specific foods (unless we have a science-based physiological need) isn't sustainable and is rarely healthy, neither mentally nor physically. And let's not forget the extremes I've explored to fight against the various mental illness diagnoses/labels I've accumulated! The one label I'll accept is 'Summer Dawn Lennox.' Actually, now I think of it, this is likely why it always irked me when past partners used terms of endearment in lieu of my name. Beyonce had it right, 'Say My Name.' 😂 My name is more than a label, it's my identity, and encapsulates everything therein... the comprehensive iceberg of what I consciously express, subconsciously emit and unconsciously have yet to expose. I can't remember feeling so much authentic appreciation for myself, and I want to savour it... saturate in it. 🛀

Ironically. I always knew I was destined to be, yet was terrified to become, a single woman in my late 30's/early 40's... another shitty label 💩🏷... but here I am, and it's not so bad. I travel for work and for play, do as I please when I please, share my bizarre perspective with the World using innate written and verbal communication skills. Yes, this is indeed a life worth living... as simple and boring as it may appear to others. To be fair, it's appropriate that my life seems unpalatable to others, because envy for someone else's lifestyle is quite a toxic little beast! And I sure as shit know that I don't envy the lives of others. I certainly mean no offense, but whether it's Barbara Walters, Barbra Streisand, Barbarella or Barbara from down the street with a perfectly conventional existence (i.e., home, family, career, etc.)... I don't want a Bar of any of that! (See what I did there?! 😆🤦)

Even if it leaves me single for the rest of my life, I want 3:30am coffee and journalling, 2 hour strength-stuffed workouts, an 8pm bedtime, and a whole lot of thought-provoking psycho-sociological extroverted people-based random shit in the middle! In a very real way, it's an endless give and take of human energy, and I absolutely love it. Give me a room full of people to read and I'll give back a happy Summer! 👌😍

My 'routines' are my self-care, which keep my energy-well filled so I can offer it to others. In fact, upon reflection I'm finding this inner shift, elucidation, and sincere endorsement of my abnormalities, is aligned to a waning of my previous 'brain-driven' mode of being to a waxing of my transformed 'heart-based' existence, on a deeper level than previously described. It's my intention to actively engage with this transition now that it's on my awareness-radar. A tweak to my wiring, and one that fatefully comes with a career change, a fluctuation in the tide, ebb and flow of my life. I'm beyond grateful to my brain for it's service and many sacrifices over the years, it's ability to challenge it's own beliefs and ever-expanding willingness to hear, listen to, and accept the knowings from my Body, Heart and Spirit. Lord knows I went decades not understanding how to interpret those subtle communications, and the angst it perpectuated. I will always cherish it's intellectual discernment, ability to rapidly interpret data and unrelenting obsession with logic. These are strengths I'm thankful to have in my toolkit to leverage when it'll serve me well... but no longer will these be the literal bread-winners in my life. 🍞🏆

  

My heart arises, to take the leading role. It's intentions, passions, service to others, compassionate wisdom, and most importantly, it's ability to captivate and engage the hearts of others... Even, perhaps especially, those hearts that hold trauma, unhealthy bias and/or, heaven forbid, hate (BLEAK!). My heart feels both the weight of this new responsibility but also senses the joy in implementing it's limitless potential... like a well-trained amateur marathon runner at their first event without the safety net of cutting the course short... Feeling both hesitant and capable. Ready; muscles twitching in anticipation, ready to go and to have a go! Ready to lean-in, to stumble and refocus as many times as it takes, to learn; to evolve. 🙏💖

In my mind's eye I see a timeline, like a race course, along which my head has always been in first place. Over the last 12-or-so years, since beginning this weird and wonderful adventure,  my heart has been catching up... and in this momentous transition it has pulled ahead every so slightly. My overall goal has always been a balanced life however, for head and heart to cross the finish line as equals, hand in hand. Regardless, I feel it's worth putting my heart in front for the foreseeable future, making up for lost time perhaps. During this pivotal period, I want to hone in on my guiding principles which are now, have been, and will continue to be, to TRUST in my whole self and the Universe, and to SERVE the Universe and the people in it as best I can, using my unique gifts and viewpoints. It's time to see what heart-based trust and service sounds, looks and feels like. 🙌🎉

Later, after my evening meditation, I saw it wasn't a competitive race between my head and heart, it was more like a relay where they were on the same team. With tears of relief for itself and tears of pride for the Heart, my exhausted Brain passed the baton. True to my dichotomous nature, I intentionally pass this baton with both fear and hope. Shifting mindsets always requires a leap of faith into the scary unknown, and even in its exhausted state I'll always tend to rely on my Brain if I don't explore other ways of being. Still, I can't commit the folly of over-correction and go too far down the Heart-led rabbit hole... because last night when I caught my oven on fire and my Heart panicked, beating madly as adrenaline coursed through my blood, it was my Brain that came to the rescue. I watched in horror, opened the door to instinctually react by grabbing the tray on fire and tossing it out of my caravan, until my clever frontal lobe overrode the reactive response with a beautiful bit of rationale... This oven was designed to hold fire, so bloody-well leave it in there! 🔥 Somehow, faster than the conscious thought could manifest, I understood the baking paper that was the source of the flames would burn itself up and I could deal with aftermath once it was safe to do so. F*$#, there's a rabbit hole right there! Being wise enough to let the fire burn instead of trying to put it out, causing more chaos and danger in the process. 👀🐇

So yes, I'll always rely on my 'brainy' intellect to a degree, but this shift is about intention as my emerging hypothesis is that our intentions are heavily influenced, if not set by, our hearts. I intend to explore how my Heart will lead... remaining tapped into my emotions and acting based on my emotional intelligence (EQ) instead of my IQ. I want to do this to both build my heart's capability and to rest my Brain, a Brain that doesn't always know when NOT to control, or exhaust itself in over-analysing everything... Opting to feel more and think less. 

It'll be hard, it'll take practice, my naturally dominant Brain will need constant reminders not to jump ahead whether out of habit or impatience at my Heart's slower pace; nor will I delude myself into assuming it'll make life easier (quite the opposite at times I'd imagine! 😅), but I'll damn sure learn some gnarly shit; I'll grow... Until such time as I'm ready to shift again, many years from now, once I'm old enough to lead from my Wild Gypsy Spirit, unfettered and unencumbered, throwing caution to the wind. That way, here comes my clever Brain again... I can blame my behaviour on senility. 😆😈😇😎

Original Publication Date 28 May 2023

The Blame Game

Sure, we've all done it... blamed the cat or dog when it was actually us who let one rip. My favourite fart related blame-shift was onto my heavily pregnant Sister, who was so shocked when I loudly damned her for her flatulence in front of a crowd that she couldn't even defend herself against the accusation 😂💖💩. Blame shifting is extremely common in our society, at times small and rather insignificant like lassie's wind-breaking, and at times so momentous it can shatter our relationships. Let's be honest, we've all copped heat for something we didn't 'really' do; I commonly do this when I know I'm right but I'm either too tired to explain myself and simply don't care enough to defend myself (wisdom is often compared to knowing when to choose our battles!). Conversely, we've all blamed others for something that didn't necessarily have anything to do with them, not literally, like the person who 'made us' ass-pack the car in front of us because they texted us and we looked down at our phone for too long 💥📱😖. 

Blame is something that has continually kept my discerning analytical mind deep in consideration, and I now feel ready to put forth a couple of radical ideas to explore, along with all their weird and wonderful nuances 🐇:

1. Blame-shifting is fundamentally disempowering, if not cowardly
2. Victim-blaming is falsely assuming people put themselves in situations to be intentionally victimised (This point becomes especially bizarre when we add in a dash of self-blame, my personal specialty which I'll elaborate on later 😅)
3. A cornerstone of enlightenment... deep, meaningful and balanced wisdom, includes realising that blame, in general, is F&*#-ing BULLSHIT! 🐃💩

That's right, I'm proposing that blaming others for something that's happened, big or small, not only takes power away from us but is also a unique flavour of logical fallacy once we're able to look beyond our own conditioning enough to see this. We are all choosers, deciders, and play at least some small part of everything that happens in our lives and the lives of others. The right choice for me today may well be the wrong choice for me tomorrow, or the wrong choice for someone else entirely. That choice may then lead others to blame me for it's impact on their life, something I may have been able to anticipate yet decided to do anyway or couldn't have anticipated in my wildest dreams... but it doesn't make either one of us right OR wrong. 🐇💣

The Blame Conundrum, An Anecdote

Alex goes to the grocery store in need of milk. While at the store it gets robbed. The robber yelled at Alex to 'get on the f*@$ing ground,' and in haste Alex's untied shoelaces caused Alex to trip and inadvertently launch the purchased milk at the robber. This startled the already antsy robber and as a result the trigger was pulled and Alex was shot. Alex didn't die, but was left with a hideous facial defect from the gunshot wound. Unable to accept his appalling new facial feature, believing it would prevent a future with meaningful relationships, authentic love or a family, Alex suicided one year later.

Phew, that's some heavy shit! But more to the point, we can analyse this narrative to dissect the various ways one can assign blame. SPOILER ALERT! It's based on our personal assumptions, which themselves are an eclectic amalgamation of our life's experiences, cultural, societal and familial influences, not to mention the expression of our DNA (aka Nurture and Nature).

Who is to Blame for Alex's demise? 🤔

- Alex himself for choosing that precise time to go get milk, for failing to tie up his laces, or committing the act of suicide?

- The untied laces or perhaps the milk for causing the confusion and resulting chaos?

- The other person in the shop who failed to stop the robber when they had the chance?

- The robber, who pulled the trigger causing Alex's strife?

- The people on Tinder who couldn't bring themselves to 'swipe right' due to Alex's superficial deformity?

- A mix of some or all of these things?

Other Provocative Questions to Ponder....

• Who would Alex blame if we had a Ouija board and could ask?
• Who would their friends and family blame?
• What if "It is what it is," as they say; and no-one or no-thing was to blame, it just happened? A Universal lesson for everyone involved... sent to teach them whatever it was they were meant to learn from that traumatic experience?

Answering these questions can give us powerful insights into ourselves and how we view and process blame. What follows are my own epiphanies around the ethos of blame, in particular, blame-shifting as a consequence of obsessive control and chronic victim-blaming. Both were extremely gnarly observations, distrubing glimpses into my subconscious that I had to learn to admit, own and process so that I could transform my thinking into a more balanced and healthy mindset. 🙏 ⚖

Blame and Control

Full disclosure, people who blame others for their tragic circumstances or 'bad luck' used to completely f*%#-ing disgust me (and still do if I don't catch my judgy-ass in the act! 😅😳😬). Like come on, own your shit! Take responsibility for the part we play in every situation, be courageous! But some situations in life have made me re-evaluate my stance on blame, and question why I felt so appalled when people threw up their hands, surrendered control and pointed the finger of blame at someone (like their family) or something (like a medical or psychological label). I've since learned that balance between personal culpability and a healthy sense of victimhood is required; and boy, is that ever a fine f*$^ing line! 

How do I know this? Well, true to my tendency as someone who finds the act of 'polking my brain and tiny human Ego with sharp pointy sticks' in the form of profound self reflection a sort of masochistic artform, one day I confrontingly discovered that to gain power and control in my life, I literally blamed myself for EVERYTHING! Yikes 😲. It occurred to me that I avoid being a victim for the same reason others seek out that state (or so I assume... which is nearly certain to be wrong 😂). While some are keen to forfeit their culpability and control in a situation, I fight to retain it. So much so, that I will actively find a way to blame myself for whatever part I played, even if I was completely innocent. 

Upon exhaustive analysis, I found my brain had been following this enigmatic logic... If I am the cause of the issue, then I can also find the solution and manipulate the outcome. Put another way, if I'm to blame then I'm in control. And if I'm in control I can relax, because I'll find a way to fix it, to make things right. 

I'm not sure when this hard-wiring came into effect but it undoubtedly had a lot to do with my childhood, being a very common trait amongst other 'adult children of alcoholics.' I resented some of the decisions that were made by my care-givers but I had no control over what ultimately happened, so I over-corrected by becoming obsessed with control in my adult life. Indeed, both past and present indications to my addiction to control are well documented, if not embarrassing... perhaps slightly amusing?

I fully appreciate that what I just wrote could be interpreted as 'oh, she blames her family/upbringing for her control issues... hypocrite!' and guess what, in part, that is correct. I used to blame, and it was not only unfounded but toxic, destroying my familial relationships for a time. Challenging that old blame-assigning mindset led me to the thesis of this very article, allowed me to feel compassion for my family and have empathy for the difficulties they were up-against, forgive and let go. 

Victim Blaming... Even When We Are The Victims 

If the revelation above was confronting, this one might be described as distressing. 😳

Wanting to do something good for my community, I signed up to volunteer for Victim Support. During the three-day intensive training, they gave us a scenario... one that ended up rocking me to my core. The activity was, on its surface, quite simple... discuss 'who was to blame' for a women's death. Forgive me, I can't recall the exact story, but this women had essentially been cheating on her husband and was killed by a mugger or some-such while she was out on one of her trysts. I reached the, to me, obvious conclusion that the women herself was the blame. Damn straight too, the naughty girl! Shitty decisions lead to shitty outcomes... too bad, sooo sad. Yikes 😲

Let's just say that when the 'answer' was revealed by the trainers, I was more than a bit embarrassed by my sentiments and this naturally kicked my ass down the 'blame' rabbit hole. 🐇

Hold up! Why the f*$# did I assume this chick deserved what she got?! Interestingly there were a couple of others in the group that thought this way as well (not that that lets me off the hook), but most intuitively knew that blaming the women was wrong, no matter what she had done to be in that situation. After all, maybe she was cheating because she's in an unhealthy or unhappy marriage, who knows? The point is that I told myself a very judgment-laden story about this women so fast I wasn't even aware of it! And that story painted her with a rather unsavoury brush without considering any alternative circumstances, reasons or intentions.

So why.... why did I do that? Well, it took me months to dig deep and work it out, but the answer was rather F&*#-ing BLEAK to be perfectly honest and a great example of how this healing adventure works... not fun, but it certainly helped me understand myself and my base-assumptions better, enabling me to make the required improvements. 🐇😳

I've been a victim as a child (described here, third bullet point), but I didn't fully remember or realise what had happened until my mid-thirties; the brain is 'funny' that way with trauma. In fact, if memory serves, I only genuinely admitted to myself that it had happened because of my response to this training exercise... after my honest self examination, clearly I had issues in the victim department. My response was not wholly healthy. Intuitively I knew I needed to re-wire some old circuitry. 

I couldn't fully understand that I wasn't to blame until that fateful admission. Worth compassion 💖, the only logical conclusion that my four-year old brain could reach was that I must have done something wrong to deserve what happened. So I carried that hard-wired, firmly-held, warped belief with me through life; sometimes to my benefit and sometimes to my detriment. I couldn't dispute it, heal it, or shift it until I first dug it out of my subconscious and became aware of it. By fighting against owning my inner victimised child I manifested this tendency to victim-blame. Because, again, if I was to blame then I was in control, regaining the power I'd lost. In denying myself the right to be a victim, I also denied myself the chance to process and heal from the trauma. 

Right... who needs some self-care while they recover a bit... ✋💫😅🙋

If Thou Shalt Blame, Thou Shalt REFLECT

Since we're all good people, doing the best we can with the resources available to us at the time, then who gets slapped with the blame-label when shit hits the fan? Who's right? Who's wrong? Who gets to make that decision? What's fair? 

The whole point is that blame is not as straight-forward as everyone would like to believe. As we become more aware we start to see the immense world of grey that lies between the black and white concepts of 'Right' and 'Wrong.' It is blatantly unjust to blame someone's thoughts and emotions, and even actions, without first applying some discernment as to their intentions. Like it or not, they could have had a perfectly legitimate reason for doing what they did... or, they could just be an asshole. 😂😉😝🐇

True compassion is taking Stephen Covey's powerful quote into full consideration, forgetting our own cultural and personal narratives and seeing things from someone else's perspective, practicing empathy. It's so easy to blame when we cannot understand other people's motivations behind their actions, and blame allows us to cope with the fear that is created when we realise we have no control over the impact of other people's actions on us. There are mutliple things we can control, however... Our attitude, our boundaries, our bias, who and what we give our energy to, and our actions/reactions. 🙏💖🐇

Original Publication Date 10 April 2023

The Fool

How does one recognise themselves in a mirror? Is it by joy or is it by fear?

What do we think when we look into our eyes? Who governs the behaviour, Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde?

Do we percieve ourselves as other people do? Or do we find a Saint where others see a Fool?

A Fool I'd rather be, beacuse I cannot pretend... I find it odd this life, I'd rather not have to continually defend.

The Miraculous Tuesday

I sit and reflect in utter awe. Absolute, miracle-affirming, awe 💖🐇🙏

I'm reminded, significantly, that my conncection to the Universe is via my gut and sense of direction. Simply guided by an impression of safety, an unexplainable pull, sans objective data... just a knowing. The 'feels' that lead us when and if we allow... when and if we can hear them. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised after all this time and the miraculously fateful experiences I've had consistently for the last few years since I started this weird and wonderful adventure. Also, I did intentionally set aside this period of time to play and communicate with that whimsical peice of energy within myself, what did I expect to happen? When we ask for something with true and pure intent, the Universe will deliver... perhaps not in the timeframe we want* or the way we expect, but delivery all the same; that is, once we pause long enough to realise where we are and how we got here... like me, like today.

[* See note below on timing 🕰🐇]

I had to travel quite a distance for an appointment, so true to my nature I looked for a nearby park in which to walk about and journal prior... only when I got to said park it didn't feel right, unsafe somehow, so I set out for another park only to reach the same outcome. I decided to pivot and simply sit in my car at the destination until it was time for my appointment and wait it out. On my way there I suddenly found myself turn into a car park, completely unsure why... it just felt right. I sat in my car and had lunch, then decided to go and have a nosy around where I'd ended up. Two steps past the gate I couldn't see beyond from the car park, I beheld the most beautiful little park and lagoon. Though I felt 'pulled' to an area to my immediate left I decided to first have a wee walk around the lagoon. It was absolutely lovely, though a tad windy and I could feel the sun scorching me. Nevertheless, I caught myself thinking... 'How is it that I had no clue where I was, yet ended up exactly where I needed to be?'...

After my jaunt around the lagoon I followed my initial pull to the spot where I had entered, looking for a place to sit and write these very words. The first spot I eyed was a bit too sunny, so I crept around an unseen corner and happened upon a shady and windless rose garden. This is not the first time I've 'miraculously' found myself amongst a plethora of my very favourite flowers, anytime I travel abroad and let my feet guide me instead of my head it is where I inevitably end up 🌹

People think I'm weird, and in a conventional sense they are not only correct, but they don't know the bloody half of it! A happenstance so seemingly small and insignificant, but it restores me, heals me, gives lift to my wings so that I can fly; thrive. 🕊

Commentary of 'Timing'

Humans, with our miniscule timelines, often become impatient. We f*#%ing hate waiting... for anything. Perhaps we're waiting to hear about a job interview, a tiktok video to play, a friend to finish their workout, to meet our 'someone,' for an online order to arrive... waiting of any kind is agony for nearly all of us. Even those with a strong spiritual sense of fate (whether or not that involves a religion is inconsequential) knows things happen precisely when they're meant to happen. We can fall into the false belief that the Universe is somehow testing us, being downright cruel in making us wait for our longings, hopes and aspirations; but this is a fallacy indeed. The Universe will bring us what we need, authentically want and genuinely deserve, but in such a way and at such a time that serves a higher purpose, instead of simply serving our tiny human egos and/or selfish agendas. It's important to comprehend that we're not likely to see these as 'selfish' but they will be, in part or in whole, and that's OK... we're human after all. We don't have visibility to this grand plan, nor will we ever. Our only solace is TRUST, faith... deference to the wisdom and discernment of whatever higher entity we believe in, as uncomfortable and powerless as that can seem, it's also utterly liberating. If we attempt to rush it, we'd be short-changing ourselves. I don't know about others, but the creativity of the Universe far exceeds my own, and I do love a surprise. 🎉

I attempt to keep this in my head, heart and spirit while I wait... it [sometimes 😅] prevents me from being a control freak. 😝

But in all seriousness... practicing this, leaning into it, will bring us the micracles we don't normally see while distracted by haste 💖

Original Publication Date 12 February 2023, Revised TBD

Detrimental Doubt

Something happened yesterday that really struck me, though admittedly it's an old trigger... doubt and mistrust borne of illogic, and it really helped me remember just how stuck I get when I'm faced with making a decision about what [or whom] to believe when it’s between Heart and Head… knowing something intuitivly versus believing something intellectually, a subtle difference. F*%# it actually feels quite painful if I’m honest. My husband does shit that is in no way logical, may even defy the very laws of logic in fact! Haha. But then I get it in my head... doubt... thinking he’s lied in some way or is doing something shady based on the gap between my objective observations and the most logical conclusion… and thus the battle begins; the fear palpable. 🐇🐇🐇

Interestingly, I realised that I honestly don’t know what terrifies me more;

1. He’s lying and won’t tell me the truth no matter what I do, or how I ask (promising amnesty, etc.)… I have NO CONTROL over whether or not he’s lying, and I've tethered myself to yet another person who doesn't think I deserve the truth... which is all I've ever asked for
2. I’m being duped by someone I love, but also someone who may well turn out to be some kind of duplicitous mastermind that never really loved me (though he said himself he’s not smart enough for that, haha)

When I was young I was lied to by those around me enough to understand it could threaten my survival. Lies perceived largely because I’m an empath, their words did not align with either their own inner emotions nor their actions. My family was entropy so I over-corrected by clinging to orderliness and linear logic to counteract the chaos around me. Now I’m an adult with severe trust issues because I must have subconciously come to believe that everyone I love lies to me... and this sat deeper than I could have ever realised really. As I heal, these deeper more engrained issues become exposed, giving me the opportunity to process them. If I can’t learn to trust, if I keep doubting and mistrusting my husband because his brain doesn’t operate the same way that mine does… then my marriage could be in big trouble over time; a different form of the same threat to my survival. Who wants to be berated with questions all the time like that? I can understand why it hurts him, but f*$@, I’m not having a joy ride in myself either!

Hmmm, ok, maybe I'm not the only wife with this issues 😅

If I trust him I feel like I’m placing my very survival in his hands, someone who I know to make well meaning yet logically flawed decisions. My sense of self preservation, to say nothing of my need for optimisation, fights against that heart-felt inclination to trust him tooth and nail based on those grounds. It is so very bleak to admit to myself, but there’s an extremely toxic false, or at least semi-false, belief there… “If I believe him, I’m a f*%#ing fool who deserves what’s coming”… and ‘what’s coming’ is the inevitable end of not only my relationship, but also life as I know currently know it. It puts everything I have in jeopardy (like half of the shit I own), so it’s increasingly less surprising how terrified I feel with those niggly little brain spiders traipsing about, performing their eight-legged tap dance on my neurons and conducting an analysis where I THINK one way but FEEL another... the outcome is an experience akin to being ripped in two.

It’s not nice to feel this way, nor is it nice to think my husband is stupid, or to blame my family for these entrenched trust issues… These are indeed unhealthy thoughts, but I won’t deny them their right to be there because ignoring them will only serve to perpetuate the torture I experience. As I reflect, pause, and become more aware of them, I can work with them and heal them. At the very least I’m being honest with myself, and daring to hope these things inside me will shift… If that is the best I can do then I’ll do it, even if the mistrust never goes away at least I know the basis of these doubts, then believing them becomes a choice… just like the choice I made to marry a man so very unlike myself intellectually, whose logic is wired completely backwards from my own, but who I know would never intentionally hurt or deceive me. That knowing serves as the foundation for the future trust to which I aspire.

Original Publication Date 12 June 2022, Revised TBD

Healing For Humanity

I'm conscious that I've mentioned healing multiple times but have failed to elaborate on what exactly is meant. Nor have I provided any context around the term; allow me to do so now, if I may be so bold 🐇🙏😉. 

"What are we healing from?" one might ask... HUMAN LIFE! I'm willing to go out on a limb and guess that the readers who stumble upon The Rabbit Hole aren't the type of people who've had an overly cruisy existence or are happy with status quo; we are seekers, ready to uncover what lay hidden inside ourselves and others, keen to understand the Universe on the deepest level. I'm also willing to bet we've all experienced trauma in some form or fashion, either through blatant victimisation, a horrifying ordeal, a denial of who we truly are, or simply worn down by the day-to-day rat race of life; this trauma can be direct, misperceived and/or self-inflicted.

For me healing is healthy development of our inner awareness so that we can own our BULLSHIT and avoid spreading that shit onto others, because trust me, that's not the type of fertiliser our World needs 💩🙅. It's ending our own contribution to the collective human pain cycle, laying aside prejudice because that's how we were conditioned to think about a different race, boring others by constantly repeating the same pain stories from our past, preventing ourselves from hating or mistrusting everyone because one person screwed us over or our parents failed to provide for us as children, liberating ourselves from suppressed emotions that drive unhealthy behaviours, smiling at a stranger instead of telling them to f*%@ off, learning to take a compliment and/or accepting love because we no longer see ourselves as a worthless piece of shit. Perhaps most critical, it's avoiding shooting random strangers (or ourselves) because of some deeply held fear, or need for power, that we couldn't recognise as dangerous until it was too late... F&*#-ing BLEAK! 😅

As I attempt to explain what, in my humble experience, does and does not constitute the healing of which I speak, please bear in mind that I DO NOT have any prescriptive answers. The lists below are what I've gleaned through my own twisted healing adventure, are decidedly biased towards my own experiences, and are in no way exhaustive. Hell, I'll discover many more weird and wonderful ways to heal I reckon. The steps along the healing path can and will look different for each of us; but I dare to assert they will not be linear for anyone brave enough to forge ahead.

What Healing Is:

• The processing and release of subconscious and/or suppressed emotions
• Confronting our inner fears and shadow-selves, embracing them and learning what they have to teach us
• Activating our most useful tool, the light of our awareness, and shining it into our subconscious to gain deeper understanding our ourselves and what drives our thoughts, emotions and actions
• Withholding Judgementof ourselves and others
• Accepting the fact that we cannot control anything outside of ourselves
• Becoming grateful for all the ass-kicking gut-wrenching life lessons that hurt us, yet shaped us into who we are
• Tears, snot, boxes of tissues and/or rolls of toilet paper... sometimes while laughing at these inane emotional outbursts
• Beating pillows, yelling in our cars or closets, throwing rocks into a river... sometimes while laughing at these inane emotional outbursts
• Tough conversations with OTHERS who we've held resentments against, or with whom we need to ask forgiveness (accepting they may not give it)
• Tough conversations with OURSELVES, also to confess long-held resentments and to ask for forgiveness
• Re-wiring habitual unhealthy thinking patterns by learning to recognise self-sabotage and limiting beliefs
• Taking accountability for the part we play in perpetuating negative cycles by making the same shitty choices time and again, or failing to opt for change over status quo
• Consistent and deliberate reflection; journaling sessions, meditation and long walks spent sorting through all the rubbish going around in our minds

What Healing Is NOT:

• Superficial spiritual Facebook memes that state WHAT to be without any indication of HOW to be it
• Constant teddy bears and warm fuzzies
• Inauthentic self-love and acceptance (i.e., it's a forced concept or flecked with residual judgments)
• Soft leather couches and therapists who focus on explaining how great they are at healing others, or only serve to repeat back things we've said (talking to a mirror will do the same thing and cost a hell of a lot less)
• Pharmaceutical band-aids that don't address the underlying issue(s)
• Seeking sympathy
• A clean, clear, straight-forward or finite process
• Remaining unwilling to take-on honest feedback (from ourselves or others)
• Feel-good hippy-dippy bullshit, toxic positivity or perpetual happiness
• A sense that we're in control

Yes, sounds great... how the f*$@ do I do that or know WHO my 'Divine Self' even is?! 💩😠

The Universe operates in IRONY, so the more lost, confused and hopeless we feel, the closer we are to gaining some traction on the healing path.

Healing requires courage and my own sordid adventure lay entrenched in the many rabbit holes linked throughout this article, but here are some discrete examples, if for nothing other than their entertainment value. 🐇💖

1. My first break-up left me with a deep sense that something in my wiring wasn't quite right, and fearing I'd be left unable to cultivate healthy romantic relationships I became determined to start rooting through the baggage of my psyche by practicing mindfulness and remaining in the present... Thus Analytical Ramblings of a Scientific Mind was born, my first attempt at articulating mucking through not one, but three colourful mental illnesses (because I'm an over-achieving perfectionist in all that I do! 😝).
2. Thinking I'd learned it all and 'fixed' myself as a result of the above, I was devastated to find that after a psychotic episode I was left amongst the ruin of yet another relationship and had landed yet another diagnosis! OCD, yes, given my history with obsessive and compulsive thoughts stuck on a song entitled 'self-judgment and punishment,' I could understand that one. But then a fateful session with my unconventional counsellor (whom I will be forever indebted to), hilariously set off my inner light bulb by frankly stating, while laughing, that "I didn't have OCD, I just didn't f*%#ing trust anyone or anything." In that moment I could've been knocked over with a feather, realising the obvious and confronting fact that my utter lack of trust left me dependent on an addiction to control; nothing in my mind could heal until I constructed a foundation of trust... and thus the Rabbit Hole was founded along with a deeper sense of what it meant to truly heal.
3. Smaller, but no-less significant, realisations came which allowed me to tweak and refine along the way;

• Opting for Inner Peace Over Happiness: For one, chasing perpetual happiness is utterly exhausting and rather fruitless... hear me out 🐇. Happiness is at one end of an emotional continuum, seeking it constantly doesn't allow for the natural spectrum of other emotions to occur and will eventually knock us off-balance. I'll even go so far as to say it can be unhealthy, particularly if we start 'blaming ourselves' for failing to achieve happiness; thinking it's the healthiest way to be. We need the clouds to fully appreciate the sunshine, and so to do the gloomier emotions enable us to enjoy life's simple happy moments. Additionally, when/if shit turns pear-shaped (because this is life and it eventually will to some degree), we're left without a sense of resilience or capability, missing the opportunity to let tough and painful situations cultivate healthy coping strategies. I opt for peace because it is dynamic and calming; it's congruent with self-acceptance. I find peace can exist anywhere along the depressed to elated spectrum. Perceiving inner peace through our own tears is an odd yet rewarding experience.
• Forgiveness is for Good People: An interesting activity in one of the many mind-altering books I read provoked quite a powerful shift in a deeply engrained detrimental mindset, though when I reflect on this I see one part miracle, one part f*%@ing insanity, and three parts hilarity 😝. I have always been a perfectionist, driving a tendency towards perpetual self-punishment, observing misperceived failures, and leaving behind sentiments of 'Not Good Enough.'  This activity had me ask, out loud, while in a meditative state, 'What had I done wrong to deserve to be treated that way?' Good-golly-miss-Molly did that jar some shit loose! Before I knew it I was literally screaming and crying at myself in a closet. The obvious had finally dawned on me... Nothing. I had done absolutely-nothing-f*$@ing-wrong to deserve the constant punishment I loved to heap onto myself. My intentions were always good, and having faith in that moral compass finally allowed me to be more accepting of my otherwise inexcusable flaws; most importantly, I found the compassion needed to forgive myself for the years of inner torture.
• Confronting the Ticking Clock: One fateful day a long-held subconscious fear bubbled up to the surface. A sensation like popping a huge infectious pustule that had been building under the surface from my mid-20's to mid-30's. The stimulus for this infection was a common little bug known as the fear of running out of time (full story described in this link, it's riveting!😅). I was getting on, all my friends were married with babies or buns in the oven... yet I was still single-Summer with only a couple of failed relationships on my bleak-as track record. Still worse, the dating pool was looking more and more desperate, and soon I'd be a tried and true spinster. It was only after bursting this infection however, that I could heal it; challenge this limiting belief that did not and would not serve me well. I say that because rushing against this clock has driven many a rash decision when it comes to choosing a life partner, and it usually doesn't turn out to be an overwhelming success... the term 'settling' comes to mind. Once I was aware of this fear, I set to treating it with kindness, understanding and patience. Miraculously, completely in line with how the Universe operates, as soon as I learned to appreciate this fear and love it, heal it, instead of running away and/or suppressing it, I met my husband. 💕💫

This one is a bit more helpful... It takes practice, and lots of it, but I know this is possible because I've done it and so have others. 🙏💖

I love a list, so here's another 😝... The benefits that healing has to offer;

• Gradual shifts in our mindsets, from survival fear-based thinking to dynamic growth-based thinking
• Grounded and balanced decision making
• Ever-increasing sense of self-worth and capability
• Genuine and humane empathy, heightened Emotional Intelligence
• Greater sense of security, which I'd argue is far more profound than confidence
• Physical connection between our heads, hearts and spirits, and overall sense of Whole-ness; realising that each piece is on the same team instead of pushing individual agendas

Be brave, dig deep, keep asking why, probe those thoughts, emotions and behaviours, laugh, remain kind and non-judgmental. Trust it can be done... 💖🙏🐇

Original Publication Date 06 June 2022, Revised TBD

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