How do we become aware of our thoughts, emotions and actions? Wake up from the monotony of the ordinary and start truly living the life we want? Why the f*%$ is being a Human so difficult? What the hell's this existence all about?! For me it came down to the word trust. Confused? That's natural. Read on.....
My life and why I love it in just six simple pictures.
Sure, there's things I want and things I fear are missing, even obsess over. True, many adventures and trials lay ahead. And yes, at times tiny whispers of ghosts from my past haunt me.
But today; well, today is f*$@ing fantastic......
After hanging out some washing, I bent over to give my kitty, Shadow, a pat and noticed these perfect wee yellow flowers amongst the clover in my yard. Taking a cue from Shadow-cat who continually teaches me to simply sit and be, sans anxiety about what I ought to be doing to be a productive human, I pulled up some yard to gently graze my hands over the soft clover and appreciate the tiny beauty right outside of my back door. After my brief respite I picked up a bit of rubbish that had found its way into my yard. Upon lifting the lid of my bin, I had a surprise, there was a Monti (aka praying mantis) sitting on the top bag. It honestly looked like it had precisely positioned itself there to exclaim, surprise!, laying in wait and giddy anticipation. I laughed out loud, absolutely delighted. My love and reverence for Montis is nothing I could ever hope to convey to others, it is something sacred to me and my spirituality.
Anyway, I told the Monti it couldn't possibly stay in the bin, and it knew that too, so it happily climbed onto my hand and we looked for a comfy place for it to spend the day. I first took Monti to the lemon tree, but what's this? There was already one in the lemon tree; Monti #2! We all decided Monti #1 needed its own posi, so I took it over to the lime tree.
Apologies, Monti #1 wasn't too keen to have a good picture taken, but here it is in the lime tree to pass this gorgeous fall day.
Smiling ear to ear, feeling blessed at having seen two Montis, I returned to the back yard and spotted Monti #3 on the rear of the shed! What joy! I was going to move it, but since it wasn't too hot decided to leave it to whatever adventure it was on.
I made it only a few steps before my eyes fell upon Monti #4 having a snooze on the back fence, no doubt tired from it's obvious parturiency. What is also obvious is that this is a different species of Monti. and brings the number of Monti varieties at my abode to 3, since the one I found sitting on my handrail the other day was something altogether different. I can tell from their abdomens, like fruit flies that's the distinguishing attribute. I won't explain here, but I know drosophila very well, simulan and melanogaster best; even able to determine whether it's male or female (thanks to graduate research).
I'd understand if people thought I was a bit of a nutter, getting so excited at seeing four praying mantises in one day. In truth, I spend a considerable amount of time looking for Montis around my house. It's an oddity I absolutely love about myself, as I 'coincidentally' stated on FB yesterday. These simple pleasures and everyday miracles have replaced nearly constant stress and anxiety. I have no apologies to offer, which more than anything indicates, at least to me, its 100% pure Summer; authentic.
FYI
Note 'leafy' looking abdomen
Original Publication Date 31 March 2019, Revised 02 December 2022
Finding true value in Nothing and our creative potential
Simple Model of Carbon
Actual Carbon Atom According to Quantum Physics
Take Home Message:
We assign the 'something' a value and deeply engrain into it our sense of worth, when it's only 6% of who we are; truly, our potential lies within our 'nothing' which cannot be defined.
When I first heard of the events unfolding in Christchurch on the 15th of March, I was sitting getting my back tattoo finished. Probably because I'm a Spiritualist, my initial reaction was to join my own pain with that of the people in Christchurch. I closed my eyes, breathed mindfully, and linked the sensations of the relentless needles penetrating my skin with those experiencing the terror unfolding around them. It was my form of prayer and way of sharing the experience. Then I began reading about the particulars as they were developing and carefully observed my thoughts, which I've done continually since, and thus why I chose to write them down. I can not say that I am proud of what I heard, but better to hear them for what they are and what they have to teach me then to ignore them and miss an opportunity to learn about myself.
I apologise in advance if anything I write displeases anyone, I mean no offense. When epic tragedies such as what happened occur, people think, feel and say many things for various reasons. What makes mine unique, perhaps, is that I'm an ex-American turned newly-hatched Kiwi. In effect, I can see this from multiple cultural angles, and vastly different angles at that. It is not my intention to take a dig at America, but offer a contrast to how I view these types of experiences now; something beneficial to anyone in any country.
1. Not here, not my beautiful and innocent Aotearoa!
It wasn't until I moved to NZ and began performing an endless number of gap analyses between how I thought and felt versus how my new countrymen thought and felt, that I realised just how shockingly de-sensitised I was to violence. It honestly made me quite ashamed of myself, but I can hardly be blamed for assuming the condition of the culture in which I was raised (thought I could be blamed if I choose to stay in that mindset). As I read the emerging news out of Christchurch, a word popped into my head and I began to cry: Innocence.
Without realising it, I've been fiercely protective of the idea that NZ is innocent. A safe, accepting, even at times naive, place where bad things simply don't happen. Hell, even the birds are flightless because of the lack of predators! New Zealand has been a refuge since Jesus was a baby, and I've felt that sanctuary since I arrived just over four years ago. Why? Because Kiwis care. We care about our country, we care about our tourists enjoying its beauty, we care about our peoples' health and wellbeing, we care about our culture and Maoritanga, we care about not taking ourselves to seriously and having at laugh, and we care about the World and its livelihood as a whole.
The fear I felt that NZ would now become just another violent place made be absolutely heart-sick. If I thought this country would become just like the States, well, I can't even think about it; it's too painful. I experienced a strong need to preserve its innocence, protect it somehow; we can't allow this to change who we are as a Country. 2. A Kiwi Could NOT Have Done THIS
Likely flowing on from that profound need to safeguard what NZ means to me, my first and immediate thought was 'a Kiwi did not do this,' I was absolutely certain. I honestly didn't believe a Kiwi capable, so desperately did I cling to what I know of the gorgeous people I now feel blessed to call my brothers and sisters. Though I'm not proud to admit it, I was consequently relieved to hear that the first gunman police took into custody was an Aussie. A sigh of relief actually escaped my lips.
The fact is that what happened is a tragic violation of humanity no matter who did it or where they're from. My own prejudice only reflects the kind of thinking which perpetuates cycles of hatred, creating an 'us' and 'them' distinction that does not serve the World in a loving way. What I, with the remnants of my American-ness, felt was something that my Kiwi countrymen don't often experience. After staunchly demanding they 'pull their f*$#-ing head in,' it is their instinct to express compassion, both for the attackers as well as the attacked, nationality aside. Wisely, though they may be upset about what happened, they understand hating who did this based on race makes no sense. This is but one reason I am continually humbled and grateful to live here among such inspirational people. 3. The Silver Lining: A New Definition for 'Terrorism'
The first thing I noticed this morning was that the news was calling this a terrorist attack. It may sound strange, but I was over-joyed that we chose to label it as such, and without missing a beat I felt hope. The hope of re-defining that phrase. After 9/11 terrorism and terrorist attacks became synonymous with Al Qaeda, the Taliban, and sadly, with Islam. Now, NZ is turning that interpretation completely on its head by using it to describe a disgusting assault on our beloved Muslim population. The terrorists have become the terrorised. My wish is that the World likewise expand its definition, tossing aside the 'Us' and 'Them' mentality of old that keeps us segregated as Humans.
If I know nothing else, I know that this country and culture of the most genuinely kind and caring people I've ever had the pleasure to live amongst will not allow this to fill our hearts with hate. We will hug and love our muslim brothers and sisters tighter, we will grieve with them, we will protect them. We will set a new precedent for the world, so that everyone may see what healing from a terrorist attack looks like, by caring for all our people; integration, not exclusion. Critically, and unlike the States, our PMs reaction is to restrict gun laws in light of this tragedy, not arm every man, woman and child out of fear. Yes, we will show the World a different way, a more compassionate way. I have never been more proud to be a Kiwi then I am now, nor more validated in my life choice to join a culture of kindness.
New Zealand is a place of love and acceptance. Kiwis don't need laws to tell us we are free. Our freedom is in the way we remain kind to each other no matter how we look, how we sound, or what we believe.
I love Sudoku. Indeed, it's my favourite game to play whilst having lunch at work or distracting myself from turbulence and screaming babies on flights. My passion for this logic-based puzzle began decades ago, yet one fateful day a seemingly odd epiphany struck me during my daily mental gymnastics session 💥... In that instant I realised that progressing from 'easy' to 'diabolical' difficulty, and their increasing levels of logical mastery, clearly correlate to the lofty concept of transcending layers of self awareness. 🐇🐇🐇
How did I draw this philosophical conclusion? Well, an old habit actually, my tendency towards worry and panic. After two significant shifts in my personal development and evolvement, I feared that my new-found wisdom would be lost. I didn't trust myself to remember the things I was learning, terrified I'd eventually repeat the same dumb shit. Fall off the 'healing wagon' and ultimately end up an agoraphobic broken heap on my living room floor... again. It made me physically sick to think about; I couldn't go back, I wouldn't go back dammit! But how to keep those old thinking patterns at bay? The ones that landed me in perpetually painful identity crises. How could I be certain to implement the new changes and make them stick? How could I be sure to capture the 'Aha!' moments of inspiration? There was simply too much mind-numbing information to write down and memorise. Hell, well over half of what I was experiencing was intuitive and sense-based, I didn't even have the vocabulary to articulate the insights. Mind-numbing is an understatement indeed, mind-expanding is more accurate. 🤯😅
Here it is...
Hope came in the form of a 'diabolical' puzzle one day. I was suddenly aware that I had used a completely divergent line of logic for the first time, and it had magically made the puzzle much easier. [Note that it was the first time I was aware of HOW I was thinking, I can't say how long I'd actually been thinking in that new way.] The numbers and grids literally looked different and I felt like I had penetrated a new level within my very brain. A bit like a cube looking at a square and realising they're actually the same thing, only the third dimension of the square remained hidden until it became visible to the cube (this analogy originated from the book Flatland). I had no idea what exposed this new dynamic, but as I reflected on my history with learning Sudoku it became clear that I've approached awareness-expansion much the same way:
Here's an actual example of how I approach a puzzle:
Start by using the universal logical rules applicable at any level of difficulty to find as many numbers as possible. For example, there is always one number that can go into all grids. Over time I've realised that my brain naturally knows which number that is, but I can't explain how. In this case, the 9.
Next I see that there are numbers that need to go into certain rows and/or columns, based on the numbers already there; two numbers left in a given row (like the 2&3). Then I go onto three numbers that must fit into three boxes (like the 1&3&5), which further limits other logical options.
Once it's down to four numbers in four boxes, it gets a bit harder (1&3&5&8). At this point the numbers start following predictable patterns. In this case, I can surmise that the position of the 3's will dictate the placement of other numbers.
Since choosing the placement of a '3' will limit everything else, I pick another number that allows the pattern of the 3's to remain flexible and least restricted. Ultimately, I get to a point when I give it my most logical guess and cross my fingers. I get it about 50% of the time. Not bad, and hey, no ones' perfect!
Interesting Considerations, Post Epiphany
- Practice makes perfect! Through consistent practice the thinking patterns and logical conclusions that took me from 'easy' to 'medium' to 'hard' became background noise. I analysed each puzzle by employing the same rules that always applied. Achieving breakthroughs in logical heirarchy and seeing the puzzle from a different perspective enabled me to progress to the next level, ensuring continual improvement in my abilities. To do that however, I needed to understand the basic rules backwards and forwards. (1-9 in each row, column, and grid, i.e. the basic rules of Sudoku)
- The 'easy' puzzles don't become harder as the 'difficult' puzzles become easier. That is to say, I'm not afraid of forgettinghow to go back and do an easier puzzle.
- I'm only having fun when I'm being challenged. A puzzle I can solve within minutes does not interest me. I purposefully do crazy-hard puzzles I often can't complete, that way when I do its super satisfying. This is proof that I may or may not be a masochist. 😅
- As I work through the puzzle I'm able to discern which logical leap would be accessible to a novice, amateur or expert. This is because I remember breaking through that logical barrier with a distinct 'Aha!' on my own mastery adventure.
- Practice some more! The new way of thinking will become a default with repetition, another reason I don't fear losing my new abilities to analyse the patterns. After each leap I start to view the grids differently with practice, then successfully solve more difficult conundrums with greater ease.
- Consequently, I need to want to practice.I have a solid intention to improve, so I practice the tough stuff. Practicing the 'easy' level indefinitely will not shift me to the next level of logical ability, it only gives me more of the same old way of thinking.
- Again, I need to want to practice. Practice becomes effortless when I do something Ienjoy and for which I hold an authentic passion.
- I surrender to the fact that I cannot force myself shift. I cannot make myself see the new reasoning necessary to go to the next level. All I can do is TRUSTthat over time through consistent practice my mind will begin to see things differently and finally break through the necessary barrier when its ready.
- It helps to step back and view the puzzle as a WHOLE, not just rows, columns and grids. How will my choice effect with the larger pattern? Best practice dictates choosing a number which leaves the greatest number of possible outcomes and also aligns to the dominate pattern is most wise.
- When all else fails, I use sound logic and all my mental fortitude to get as close to finishing the puzzle as possible, then I wing it! At the very least I've increased my chances of making a correct guess. If I'm wrong, well, it's just a f*$#-ing Sudoku puzzle; there are plenty of opportunities to try again!
- I don't write myself off as a moron when I guess and get it wrong. I remain steadfast in my optimismthat I will, with continued practice on the 'diabolical' setting, at some point achieve the level of logical aptitude required to complete the puzzle without having to guess. After all, it's consistently happened before, so why wouldn't it happen again?
Nawhhh, suck it up buttercup! Practice, practice, practice!
So back to our allegory comparing this process with conscious evolvement... Again, for the best possible outcome, we need to want to practice. This is important because it takes energy to learn new things, to change, to re-wire our engrained thought patterns. Our lazy ass brains will pack a sad and do everything in their power to convince us it's not worth it. We're most likely to put in the practice when we do things that naturally bring us joy and fulfillment, and also spark our inner flame of inspiration and creativity. For example, I practice through daily reflection, meditation, running or walking in nature; it's what I love and I how I get heaps of 'Aha!' moments about my own thoughts, emotions and behaviours.
Getting into the nuts and bolts, here are some things I implement into these practices:
Telling myself what a f&$#-gem I am! [Coincidentally, this was one of my previous shifts. It used to be my self-sabotaging habit to tell myself I'm a piece of shit. I remained unaware of this underlying limiting belief until I had an 'Aha!', heard it, and could consciously recognise it as BULLSHIT. 💩]
Reminding myself that I've done nothing wrong, to put down the damned naughty stick[Yet another previous shift, yet another false belief exposed.... are we starting to see the trend?]
Observing my thoughts and emotions, emotions and thoughts, withoutjudgment[Judgment is one of the biggest barriers to creating a psychologically safe environment for ourselves and others 👂👍]
Staying aligned to my spiritual aspiration of co-creating the life I deserve, and remaining compassionate to myself first and foremost... because when I go easy on myself, I will go easy on others [I'm much less of a dick without realising it 😇]
Asking for help without feeling like I'm taking advantage of others.... Ok, this is one I need to work on if I'm being honest [WIP TBC 😂⏰]
Being brutally honest with myself about all of my opportunities, identifying strengths I can lean into without feeling like a tall poppy instead of dwelling on aspects of my personality that hold me back [Sure, I can be better in some ways but obsessing on those thoughts, and those thoughts alone, has only ever made me a miserable anxious hot-mess]
Allowing and embracing the fact that I change each and everyday, and the changes that are worth keeping will stick [Or I'll forget, repeat a sub-optimal cycle, and have another shot at learning the lesson 😉😎]
Trusting my choices, my intuitive pulls, even if they're only my best guess
Consider what intentions I can set to continue my pursuit of continuous self improvement... 💖🙏🐇
Each point, when put into consistent action, keeps my positive momentum going. When I feel worried that my old habits are going to come creeping back like so many spiders in my closet, or when I'm having an epically shitty day and being a rightious asshole, I reflect on what a drastically different person I've become on the whole. I may not be able to articulate the adventure I've been on, but damn sure I've shifted through multiple layers of consciousness by expanding my awareness with these dedicated practices.As a result new rabbit holes continually open up. My next Sudoku shift could be right around the corner... [and by that I mean 4 years later, because I literally just unlocked another logical perspective from the same damn puzzles I've been playing since I wrote the original article! I still need to guess from time to time, but the guesses are more intuitive and have improved from 50% to about 75%, a hell of an improvement! 🤓]
Original Publication Date 11 March 2019, Revised 22 October 2023
We'll take a wee diversion from the normal rabbit hole on this one and dive into a pit of snakes instead; what fun!
There was a particular period of my emotional adventure when I profoundly poked the inner bear of my emotions, prompted by leadership courses taken as part of my career development. Well, that as well as an awareness through my history with anxiety that I, along with my entire family, have a proclivity for chronic emotional suppression. Step one of this adventure involved waking up to the dichotomous nature of my feelings and their origins. Now, step two necessitates managing and finding ways to cope, process and let go of these emotions in a healthy way so that I do not return to the realm of chronic panic or become prone to bouts of spontaneous rage. Effectively, developing into an emotionally mature adult. Someone who has their shit together and doesn't cry or become defensive at inappropriate times.
Interesting Fact: There is a distinct difference between experiencing emotions and expressing emotions.
Significant shifts in my awareness typically result from strong visualisationsI experience while running, meditating or listening to certain songs. The basis for today's topic is a prime example, and it succinctly and hilariouslyreflects who I am to my core.
From time to time I become overwhelmed by multiple and conflicting emotions, so with my new heart-felt intention to connect with my feelings on a deeper level I bravely entered the deeper layer of my consciousness to confront this inner turmoil.
On one such occasion, upon closing my eyes, I almost immediately found myself looking down into a pit of snakes; a writhing well of hundreds of snakes coiling in, around and amongst each other. It was absolute chaos, colourful yet gut-wrenching. Though afraid of the snakes and more than a bit apprehensive about joining the melee, I was steadfast. Determined to love, understand and learn from these damned snakes, each and every one, come hell or high water, I knew what must be done. I'd sort them out! I saw myself literally roll up my sleeves and jump into the pit. Meticulously and methodically I'd pick up one snake, untangle it with care and reverence, and lay it on the ground straight as an arrow. Onto the next one I went, but the first would begin to twist and move back to its original entropic state. Regardless, I continued with fervor. Soon I was sweating with the effort of keeping so many snakes in line, attempting to correct the ones I'd already set straight. It became a supremely comical sight, like whack-a-mole, trying to keep these damn serpents in order. Frustration brewed inside me, and as I began to feel like a failure more and more snakes appeared. I was drowning in a sea of snakes. Then the lightbulb went on and an epiphany struck💥. Managing these snakes did not require me to straighten them out or control them in any way. My wasted efforts was proof it was never going to work! Instead, I climbed out of the pit and simply sat there, lovingly watching the snakes twist and turn. That's all I could do; observe. I allowed them to writhe, I simply bore witness and felt compassion for each one of them. After awhile I realised there were fewer snakes in the pit, they were working themselves out! Ironically, it wasn't until I stopped trying to fix them, stop controlling them and putting them in a state that was not natural for them, that they began to dissipate on their own accord.
Holy Moly.... that's a lot to unpack! This powerful visualisation taught me, in the span on only a few mind-numbing minutes, that the best thing I can do to learn from, understand, and process my emotions is acknowledge them and stay connected to compassion for how I am feeling. Fighting them is not only futile, its only going to create new snakes and make them writhe and stew longer, with added energy to boot!
Thus, the pivotal question becomes:
How Do We Learn to Let Go of the Damned Snakes?! How do we Learn to Tolerate emotional discomfort? 🐇💖🙏
Let's be honest, none of us make it to adulthood without scars, some visible and physical, but more often then not they're deeply emotional and lay hidden within subconscious levels beyond our wakeful mind. Crammed down there through years of suppression, snakes we were either scared or ashamed of, didn't want to pick up, accept or heal.... so we threw it down into the deep abyss of our subconscious and slammed the lid shut. Significant emotional turbulence arises much later in our lives as a result of this suppression, however, and we get triggered by particular situations, people and/or other stimuli that remind us of the trauma we couldn't face in our past. These unhealed excitable trauma-spawned snakes pop out of their pit to wreak havoc in the present, driving emotionally unintelligent and inappropriate behaviours like adult-tantys, erratic driving, biting remarks, diabolical passive aggression, greedy manipulation, defensiveness or blatant asshole-ism. We're either unconscious of what's fuelling these outbursts or consciously shameful at feeling these emotions, so we shove the them back down. Again, failing to acknowledge or attempt to soothe the pit of snakes uncomfortably squirming within us... opting to distract/numb ourselves with various other things instead (more detail on this below).
Still more disturbing, we can literally become 'stuck' in certain moods and begin building identities based on those emotional states. Take it from someone who wore a snake suit labeled 'Generalised Anxiety Disorder' for nearly twenty years. Going down the rabbit hole of exploring and healing my emotions was how I effectively shed that skin. It's not all doom and gloom, I promise. Though the statistics are against us, people can and do change, but f*$! we've got to want it! Working with the snake pit of our suppressed emotions is just one way we can start peeling back the layers of the awareness-expanding-onion and take ourselves on a worthwhile adventure for the sake of being a better person (aka less of a dick). To hear one of my own examples of what emotional healing literally sounds like, have a listen to My Day in The Sun.
So, what is this tool? I've mentioned it previously multiple times, and it's the concept of building Emotional Intelligence (EQ).
What is Emotional Intelligence?
Well, I'll let the father of the concept explain it himself:
The Model
Here's each component in relation to our working analogy 🐍:
Awareness: How do I know when I'm holding the damned snake, and which snake is it?
Well, hell, this is what The Rabbit Hole is all about!! How can we hope to process, heal and let go of snakes/emotions we don't even realise we're clutching? The snake gets more and more agitated as we hold it too tightly or shove it down, instead of allowing it to naturally dissipate.
I'd strongly advise against trying to wrangle all the snakes in one go, nor is it necessary to go searching for these snakes, like I did; I'm admittedly nuts, and it's not necessary to match my self-development extremes 😆. Be kinder and simply wait for emotions to come up in real time, because they sure as shit will. As the snake arises ask it why it's there, and what it wants to teach us. Get curious about what drove that snake up and out of the pit... 🐇
To help get the answers, try these awareness building practices:
Stay Present, and non-judgmentallyobserve the thoughts, feelings and actions (this is tough and takes a lot of practice)
Have honest and courageous conversations with ourselves
Ask others for feedback about how we are percieved by others, then compare that to how we feel we convey ourselves to others; a good ol' fashioned gap assessment!... And yes, this takes guts because there will be mis-alignments that will likely create snakes of their own 😉😣
Practice self-reflection daily, either by journaling or recording voice memos; there is power in physical expression
Meditation, learn to sit amongst the discomfort of our writhing snakes instead of distracting/numbing ourselves with Facebook/social media, eating, TV, smoking, video games, reading, gambling, exercising, drinking, driving fast, or any other colourful addiction/habitual coping mechanism
Self-Regulation: Part 1: How do I let go of the damned Snake?
Once we become aware of the emotions, we can begin to process them and let them go. Notice I say 'let go,' not shove down and/or ignore, that is emotional suppression. Ironically, most people are so adept at suppressing their emotions that we don't even realise we're doing it until we see an old flame or someone says the same phrase our mother used to use on us and we loose the plot as those snakes spring out of the well to bite someone's head off. This is why the awareness piece is so critical. We can spend years simply observing how we feel in the present then journaling about it or talking it out to understand why we reacted that way.
Regardless, we're humans not ostriches, so let's get our heads out of the f*&$-ing sand, shall we? Ignoring and/or suppressing emotions may seem like the easiest option at the time, but it'll lead to perpetually re-living those emotions when triggered because we chose not to learn from them the first time. Thus the unhealthy cycle continues... 💫
To escape those old emotional cycles we need to process the underlying feelings, but letting go doesn't just happen. If there's one phrase in the human language I'd set the flames of Hell upon it's: "Just Let it Go."Nothing makes snakes bust out of my eyes faster than hearing someone say this to me! Why?BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW.... OR I F*$!-ING WOULD! Someone give me the damned manual on how to 'just let it go,' I'll follow it to a T and dot the I's for good measure! (And yes, I reflect on this myself a lot as I notice how much it infuriates me, haha 😅🐇)
Letting go is a process and it's different for everyone.
(Refer to Empathy below)
Self-regulation necessitates that we understand what we require to process and let go of our slithery friends; shed the emotional skin and develop our EQ.
Here's a neat trick that might help. Our brains are miraculous organs but they can also be manipulated rather easily. Since emotions are energy in motion, we can literally, physically, 'let things go' and our brains will likewise release its hold on our snakes, allowing them to slither away and for us to calm.
Such releases include:
Write the emotive statement down on a slip of paper, then burn it or flush it down the toilet
Hold a rock, pour the emotion into it (verbally or non-verbally, as preferred) and throw the rock off a cliff or into a body of water (my personal favourite)
Lie on the ground, focus on a cloud and imagine it as the emotion, then watch as it changes and so will the emotion
Part 2: How can I take care of myself while this snake is twisting away and making me feel uncomfortable? Self care is an extremely valuable tool to help us sit amongst the uncomfortable, if not terrifying, snakes until we can learn from them, pay them the attention they need; allowing them to feel acknowledged and heard, after which they can slither into nothingness and leave us in peace.
I started practicing self care by asking myself: What makes me feel better when I'm uncomfortable with how I'm feeling?
Such things included:
Walking off the adrenaline, allowing my body to burn the energy created by the natural flight/fight/freeze response of an emotional trigger
Taking a soothing bubble bath
Watching a funny movie
Being out on the open water
Playing a game with a friend
Crying it out in my closet, or some safe secure place (like my car)
Sitting and journalling in a botanical garden
Petting my beloved kitty, Shadow
Going for a drive
Venting to my sister or trusted friend
Throwing, kicking and beating a punching bag 🥊
Note these are not addictions, but temporary and diverse coping strategies for short-term emotional breaks. They create some distance so we don't attempt to strangle the snake we're experiencing, and that space can help us process, move through and let go of the emotional state. And hey, even if it didn't; time spent doing these things is far healthier than time spent sitting and stewing.
Part 3: Consciously practicing Patience
Parts 1 and 2 help move the emotional energy around until we calm enough to regain the rational thinking power of our frontal lobe after its been hijacked by an emotional trigger and/or stress. The most common pitfall when dealing with emotions is that we feel the compulsion to REACT to them right away. A critical part of self-regulation however, is giving ourselves TIME to process. Hell, it can take years! Why so long, one may wonder. Because, we've been programmed from infancy to REACT in certain ways, over and over again, through emotional conditioning; and breaking those habits is bloody hard (dare I say impossible until we've gained some self-awareness).
I've personally mandated the 'sleep on it rule,' whereby I process the emotions through the natural sleep process and see how I feel in the morning. I acknowledge that sometimes it's not possible to sleep with all the snakes going ape-shit, which reiterates the benefits of the tactics above; we'll eventually get tired enough to sleep 😉💤. I chose this method because our brains shift their wave frequencies during sleep and this can impact the way we feel about things. Effectively, sleep can magically turn ten twisting snakes into a less overwhelming one or two, a much more manageable number to reflect upon and process.
Even in the absence of a good sleep, all snakes will dissipate to some degree given enough time. If we react in the heat of the moment, we'll likely end up saying or doing something we'll later regret, which undermines the entire EQ process and teaches us to suppress the emotion because it caused us embarrassment or other negative repercussions.
Empathy/Social Skills: Every human has a snake pit, maybe I shouldn't be a dick and fire up the snakes in others. Or, I'd rather deal with my own snakes then theirs!
Fact,there are a finite number of human emotions. I can not create a new emotion (try as I might, I admittedly enjoy odd hobbies😝). If I've felt it, so has someone else. Conversely, anything anyone else is feeling, I have or eventually will experience at some point in my life. This is empathy, being willing to take a peek into someone else's snake pit. Our own, by comparison, may not become so agitated by what they're saying or doing because we've glimpsed the inner turmoil they're dealing with... but likely trying their best to hide. At the end of the day, we're all Good People. 💞
This one seems tough because it effectively necessitates 'being the bigger person' time and again, but this is what it is to truly display and role-model EQ. Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint! Heaps of shit that others do piss me off, a lot of things during my day may bring bouts of nervousness, sadness, anger, frustration, excitement, etc. The key, for me, is to remember and appreciate that others have their own unique lens and set of circumstances. All I can do is practice self-regulation, ask why I feel the way that I'm feeling, and stay aligned to my underlying emotional motivations (as explored next). Again, I'm not Buddha, I slip up and tell people to f^&$-off from time to time; but I also take full personally accountability for the social consequences of my words. 😂🙏💥
Lastly, while self-awareness is a worthy developmental pursuit to understand how we're thinking and feeling in and of itself, I view empathy as a collective-awareness wherein we can start to understand how those around us are feeling (from close friends and loved ones to co-workers and acquaintances). We can then use this information to go-easier on ourselves and others, and allow everyone the right to feel however we feel, whenever we feel it, without fear of internal or external judgments. This creates a safe environment wherein everyone can be open and honest, where real communication thrives.
Motivation: Why would I want to learn from this snake? What will it teach me about myself, and why would I want to know?
Admittedly, my examples above give away how I approach EQ. My underlying motivation is to learn about myself in the interest of personal growth and development, with an overarching intention to authentically accept and love who I am. Why? So I can stop rail-roading the good shit in my life, be less of an Asshole to others, and most importantly, learn to put down the damned naughty stick, because I'm not perfect and never will be, and neither will anyone else! Holding ourselves and everyone else to standards that cannot be met has never served me well, and that isn't likely to change anytime soon. I do this emotional work to turn vicious cycles into virtuous circles, to transform mental illness into mental fitness; and I write about it in hopes of helping others discover the benefits of doing the same.
Everyone's motivations are different, but the common outcomes of developing EQ include greater enjoyment in all relationships, success at work, kicking unhealthy emotional habits and identities, a stable source of inner peace, and a genuine sense of security and self-esteem. Who wouldn't want that?! An ostrich, that's who! (It's a well known fact that ostriches detest snakes 😝)
Coiling It All Up 🐍
I want to finish by planting some wee seeds. Life enhancing blossoms that EQ can help fertilise and nurture. Our external relationships cannot, and will not, thrive when our internal relationship is abusive and teeming with suppressed snakes that continually strike and pour venom into our sense ofworth. When we don't recognise our value, we're not likely to take care of ourselves emotionally or experience empathy for others. For me, the number one rule for practising EQ became a determination to feel compassion; for myself first, then others. I realise that may sound selfish, but when we truly understand self-worth and compassion, that logical fallacy will melt away.
The net effect of practicing EQ is freedomfrom repetitive unhealthy emotional patterns and habitual detrimental mindsets. Achieved by allowing ourselves to learn from, process, heal and release our snakes, instead of suppressing and accumulating them like a Pandora's box of neurotic behaviours. Emotions are literally energy in motion; permit the snakes to twist and turn in turmoil under the protective gaze of our awareness, trusting they will work themselves out as we learn to see them as tools to mend old wounds. Our emotions are phenomenal teachers, wiggling away excitedly to let us know what we like and hissing in our ears when someone or some situation is not treating us as we deserve. They are gifts, not curses.
An emotionally intelligent adult is a Snake Charmer. Someone who loves and learns from all their snakes. Someone who recognises that there is no such thing as 'good' or 'bad' emotions. We have the ability to learn equally from pain and joy, certainty and confusion, insecurity and confidence, generosity and envy. There is no right or wrong way to feel, but there are destructive ways to behave when we don't know how to process the emotions we falsely perceive to be unacceptable. Charm the Snake, don't knock it over the head with a naughty stick. Thank the Snake for its story and for teaching us about ourselves.
Original Publication Date 09 March 2019, Revised 27 December 2022
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