Self-Love Vs. Self-Acceptance

One could argue this is a bit of a 'chicken and egg' conundrum as some people may need to feel accepted in order to feel loved, while others may need to feel loved before feeling accepted. Regardless, I remain firm in my assertion that there are distinct differences between these two concepts, largely driven by the intelligence centres that govern them; Heart and Gut, respectively. For me loving myself is a heart-felt sensation, like I'm hugging myself. It is a warm blanket of compassion that envelops every cell, understanding that life is hard and unjust at times and I deserve care and nurturing. I only know this because I lived a sizeable portion of my life without it. I'll spare everyone the gory details of what it looked like to continually try and walk out on myself, abandon myself; but many psychologists would label it as some type of colourful Anxiety or Panic disorder. These are my examples, for others a lack of self-love could cultivate any number of detrimental mindsets, causing inner suffering and driving seemingly destructive behaviours.

Whether its easier for someone to attain self-love or self-acceptance is certainly a matter of both nature (innate personality) and nurture (upbringing and societal conditioning). It's easy for me to assume that someone who grew up in a loving household with family game nights, vacations and regular meals; someone who received consistent emotional support, would have a healthy concept of self-love. I'd be wrong, however, because where one person may (those being pre-disposed to thoughts of worthiness), another may not (those being pre-disposed to thoughts of worthlessness). Though a rather bleak example, it's fitting to point out that people who become violent criminals come from both broken homes as well as affectionate homes. Ah, the endless caveats of human psychology! 

Fair warning, I'm about to park self-love for awhile and enter a rather lengthy tirade about self-acceptance because at present I'm content with my sense of self-love (though I'm sure that will change at some stage once I uncover more rabbit-holes, that's kind of how this works 😂🐇). Besides, there's so much 'Eat-Pray-Love' shit floating around the internet I'm confident in my readers' ability to find plenty of self-love fodder. On the contrary, I'm continually noticing clues that my sense of self-acceptance needs revisiting. Hell, I'm half-convinced self-love is my underlying motivation; the recent growing intolerance I feel towards myself is making me miserable and I don't deserve it dammit. Judgment at the hands of others is one thing, but continual self-judgment is inescapable and dangerous. I need to shift my self-acceptance attitude back towards the 'Sweet Spot' ... So, uh, how do I do that... Because 'forcing' self-acceptance seems a tad inauthentic. In fact, I've already tried that and it obviously didn't stick. Back in the dawn of my personal growth adventure, I used to think I had self-acceptance. In retrospect, however, I find that's because I THOUGHT I had it; I could not yet FEEL it. I confused genuine self-acceptance with 'putting up with myself' and my flaws in a way that bordered on resolved, yet annoyed, tolerance. Subconsciously I continued to judge myself (a hard habit to break for anyone), driving a whole lot of self-defeating thoughts and emotions out of their hidey holes. 

Self-acceptance is not thinking I 'should' be doing this or that, or acting a certain way, or feeling unsettled due to perpetual internal conflicts. It's not having the default mode of my underlying beliefs set to 'WRONG.' Jiminy Christmas that sounds horrid, and it is, but it's still how I feel from time to time. Despite all my awareness and ability to recognise this as unhealthy, I'll be damned if I know how to 'fix' it. But isn't that the whole point?! I am not a damned problem that requires fixing! Right here, right now, this is where I'm at and these are the inner conundrums I'm dealing with, and there's nothing wrong with that. Ironically, the only reason it's a 'problem' is because I think it's a 'problem.'

Instead, can I TRUST that I'm experiencing what I need to experience to learn and grow; to reach a deeper level of awareness and understanding of myself?

So what If I continually move the goal-post and keep myself busy? Why do I label that as 'wrong'? I thought this way of living brought me pain, and easing that pain was the reason I wanted to shift my busy-bee tendencies 🐝. What brings me pain is this inner self-judgement and fear of others' judgment (99.9% of which is perceived and not real). It makes me feel like it's wrong to be myself, that I can't trust my inclinations, and it certainly leaves no room to celebrate the significant progress I've already made.  I literally used to beat myself up! I could never do that now. Finding self-love and compassion enabled that critical shift in my behaviours. 

It sounds ludicrous, but I actually like that I'm a bit of a 'hot-mess' (which is how I'm guessing others perceive me because I keep myself in a higher energy state that some might refer to as 'stressed' 😅). It keeps life interesting and I know, deep down, that every struggle I put in front of myself (or is put in front of me by life) brings me closer to the person I want to become. I'm on an adventure that no one else can understand because I rarely understand it myself! 

I started to linearise it this morning while journalling, and then later while watching a stream in a forest:

"[Journal] Look, I am quite hard on myself, but I'm no longer needlessly hard on myself and I can feel the nuance between too hard and just hard enough. Recently I floored it right past that boundary, but I did it in full awareness, I knew the sense of achievement would be worth the burn-out. I also knew I could heal and recuperate, care for myself and recover. I don't regret doing it, I knew I'd learn and grow stronger from the experience. That 'KNOWING' is intrinsically linked to my Gut. Yup, I'm hard on myself alright, a tough self-parent perhaps, but it's not borne of masochistic self-punishment (anymore). I'm pushing myself because of a pull my Gut feels, although my Head can't comprehend so it usually puts up a fight which then leads to internal conflict. It's that conflict that causes the pain, and it's especially pronounced when my Head is taking in perceived judgments for the World around me because it feels safer to 'fit in' than to be true to my own weirdo ways. More and more I find that self-acceptance is having no regrets for the way I go about my life and trusting my Gut will always pull me in the right direction.

[By the Stream] Being drawn to challenges and struggles is in my personality. I can see the river I grew up next to, the mighty St. Lawrence; deep, majestic, and calm. Now I look down at this stony mountain stream. It's noisy, turbulent, yet so beautiful it moves me to tears. Every crack and crevice creates swirls of bubbling chaotic beauty. It's a much rougher ride than the a deeper and calmer river, still I am pulled to that fast-paced excitement. It's neither a good thing nor a bad thing, it's just my preference."

My Heart governs self-love, it took quite a bit of inner work to repair past trauma and revive it to fulfill that function. Self-acceptance is governed by my Gut, but until now I couldn't see how to build the Trust required to concede its wisdom, fully connect with my instincts. The Gut is responsible for the expression of courage; and I know nothing so courageous as unashamedly being myself. I am who I am, a culmination of nature and nurture. It's my Head, with all its judgments and influences from the World around me, that continually perceives and labels shit as 'wrong.' I'm not blaming my Head, it has a big job, taking in so much information from so many sources and attempting to make meaning from it all; no wonder I get things confused and feel conflicted! My Gut inherently knows that I'm 'Good Enough', that I can trust myself and that I'm safe.

I can't expect anyone but myself to fully appreciate that I am not who I was, nor am I who I'll be in the future, all that matters is I trust in who I am now. I'm on my life's adventure and taking my own unique meandering path. No doubt this path looks a bit rough and overgrown in areas to others, if and when I find an easier one I may take it... Probably not though... and that's a refreshing expression of self-acceptance.

Original Publication Date 26 November 2020, Revised 14 September 2022

🎤💬Audio Version 💬🎤

 

Good Enough

Dear me, what ever will I do with myself... barking at the heels of 36 and not satisfied with who I am and still not sure if I'm happy. Same old triggers, I didn't write all day yesterday, didn't 'produce' or 'work' in any 'meaningful' way, didn't hit the arbitrary goals I set for myself so that I could be 'good enough'... [Everything in 'quotes' being utterly subjective, of course.] 🐇🤦🐇

FOR F*#$'S SAKE, WHAT'S 'GOOD ENOUGH' EVEN MEAN?! So far as I can tell it's an unachievable goal post that I keep f*$%ing moving as soon as I even get close to it! Here it comes! I've done a 'good job' today... I'm gonna get there! But no, I 'failed' to save a baby from a burning building, so 'Naughty Summer!' no sense of achievement for you today, sorry! Wouldn't a sane person move the goal post closer to themselves instead of  further away? WTF?! 😳

In truth these are fairly loud indicators of much deeper issues... 🐇🐇

People always tell me that I'm too hard on myself, but f&$# they don't know the half of it! Sometimes I fear my mind is so full of rabbit holes that I'm trapped in here, on an endless quest to find self-acceptance, but a very disturbing thought occurs to me... as absolutely f%@*ed up as it is, I must subconsciously fear being 'good enough' because then I could just relax and be myself... nothing to strive for... and if I'm honest, that sounds dreadfully boring. No goal? No thank you! So instead I'm left with the extremely confronting fact that I berate myself, not out of an actual belief that I'm not 'good enough,' but out of a fear of boredom. I strive for the sake of striving, I struggle as a means of masochistic, if not existential, entertainment... Sweet Jesus. I make life harder for myself because I've come to expect life to be hard... And what we think, we will manifest. 👀👈💣

Ugh, my poor brain hurts. Is it just my personality? The type of person who is either never quite satisfied with myself, or feeds myself lies that what I've accomplished or who I am isn't quite 'good enough?' Am I someone who couldn't relax even if I wanted to? Would I even know how? Somewhere along the way I've either forgotten the magic formulae, was never taught the skills or never gifted the tools! Drama from the age of Day Zero has led to an addiction to perpetuating dramatics by opting to fear boredom in its weird and wonderful forms, like relaxation and self-acceptance. A dangerous limiting belief that self-care is for people with nothing better to do?! 😬

In this way drama, striving, never having or being 'enough', fends off boredom and even leaves me with a sense of excitement and purpose... but is it a purposeful purpose? A purpose that serves me well and nurtures wellbeing? I'd have to say 'Damn No!' based on previous data... 👀 🤷

Conceptually I understand this, but how the hell do I enter a mindset where it's no longer necessary? How do I shift it; kick the habit? Set aside a time when I practice being 'good enough' and whatever I'm doing is 'good enough,' time to relax into being myself and do nothing. I've struggled with this a lot. For many years I used to consciously practice accepting myself, this is not new... I don't recall it being a major issue again until my very recent growth spurt, so maybe it's time to think about it from a new and/or deeper perspective. Here I go with the 'meta' shit again... The issue isn't that I feel I'm not 'good enough,' it's that I'm not good enough at being not 'good enough!'... FFS. 😂💆💞

So... the question becomes, do I accept who I am and continue lashing myself with a 'not good enough' whip, or do I attempt to learn to slow down, stop even; learn that it's ok to be me, it's safe to be me, just as I am, because I can trust myself ... my WHOLE SELF ... Ah yes, and there is it... the deeper layer. 'Not good enough' is a lie I feed myself, because I'm still learning how to trust myself and how to integrate all that I am into one being... I don't yet trust my intuitive sense, base instincts, and heartfelt urges. Until I fully trust myself, no other meaningful changes can occur. I'll always be afraid to live in my own skin. For me, there is no safety without trust. What a radical notion... 💥🐇💡

UPDATE... 3 years on (now barking at the heels of 40), nearly to the fateful day (said because I set out to do this revision having no conscious clue it was an anniverary! 😅), and while I won't deny I still feel this way at times I also want to celebrate that I'm infinitely better able to practice what Dr. Wayne Dyer, my personal transformation superhero, taught me... both to confront the fear within so I can simply 'be'... at peace in my WHOLE SELF instead of needing to 'do'... driven by the chaos of spiders in my brain and snakes in my heart. Indeed, Dr. Wayne woke me to so much, in particular how to protect my innate worth instead of listening to self-destructive false narratives fuelled from a lifetime of bullshit. 🐮💩

So as I continue to heal, un-wire and re-wire my brain, bring myself closer to the person I want to become, I also endeavor to remember to accept responsibility for the quality of my thoughts and fully appreciate and own their power. Our mind is a sword, sharp and dangerous... sometimes we cut ourselves and sometimes we cut others; the INTENTIONS underlying its use are PARAMOUNT. A truly skilled warrior knows when to weild their sword and when to yield it; when we understand this, we feel secure enough in our abilities and sense of Self that we no longer need to fight ourselves or others. Effectively, we stop being pricks and assholes. 😅😇

Another Creepy Coincidence... Dr. Wayne saved my Spirit. My life changed 12 years ago when I suffered my first heartbreak and realised I had some significant inner work to do... work required to hold meaningful relationships with my Self and others... work that Dr. Wayne very much informed and heavily influenced. On August 27th 2015 I spent many dollars I didn't feel I had to spare to get my ass to Auckland to see him in person, knowing the value was beyond material. How could I miss the opportunity to hear him speak in the flesh?! What's more, it was his first time back in NZ after 10 years! No, I had to go, no matter the cost... and I did, and it was lovely and I reconnected with his teachings just in time to ease me through the turbulence of another tenuous romatic relationship that led to my second major split. Three days after that event, he died in his sleep... coincidence? maybe... likely... but maybe not... maybe his Spirit stayed around just long enough to help me and the others in the room that night, just maybe...🤔🙏💖🐇

Original Publication Date 25 November 2020, Revised 26 November 2023

Navigating The Rabbit Hole: A Reader's Guide

Welcome to The Rabbit Hole! So, what the f*$& is this? Where does one begin? What does this blog / vlog have to offer, and what value does it offer?! All fair questions! 🤔🤨🙌

Well, in 2011 after I felt sufficiently humiliated and battered by life, I took a crack at justifying why I felt I had something significant to share with the World. I was raised as a, um, let's say lower-class American, with all the life informing experiences that come from a childhood riddled with alcoholism, various forms of addiction, and morbid obesity. My first blog Analytical Ramblings of a Scientific Mind centred around how I began sorting through the resulting colourful mental illnesses that plagued me through my late teens and 20's. Back then I only dabbled in the weird and wonderful (i.e. my unique form of Spirituality), but since then I've shifted. Now becoming aware of the deeper psychological, if not subconscious, aspects that drove those previous anxious and/or unhealthy thoughts, emotions and behaviours is what really lights me up! I've practised observing myself as objectively as possible, pulling myself up on my own BULLSHIT (while remembering to remain kind to myself... one of lifes' greatest ironies), attempting to build authentic self-worth (while avoiding selfish conceit), and accepting myself flaws and all (while walking the fine line between letting myself off the hook too easily and unnecessary self punishment).

Ah, it's a tangled web we Humans weave for ourselves! Indeed some of us are particularly good at wrapping ourselves up in the invisible chains... holding limiting beliefs we didn't even realise are actually tall-tales we tell ourselves for various conditioned and self-sabotaging reasons.

If nothing else, The Rabbit Hole offers an entirely different perspective; I've never been accused of being anything near normal and seem to be getting weirder as I age and realise just how little I know about myself, despite living in my Body for 38 years and counting 😅. As I evolve, develop, expand my awareness, I find myself asking deeper spiritually-based questions along my endless pursuit of continuous self-improvement, and thus The Rabbit Holes are Created! 🐇🐇🐇

The stories I share are raw, hilarious, tragic, and unrelentingly honest. I publish this written and audio content in hopes others will reflect on the parallels in their own lives; after all, we are all Humans sharing this wonderful shit-show called Life. There are a finite number of emotions, which is why we can all relate on at least some level. I dare say Life is easy for anyone, no matter how their circumstances may appear to others from the outside... 👀💩

The Most Important Element = Links! 🔗💯🔑

Links represent the true essence of the Rabbit Hole! Links present themselves as *Blue Bolded Text*, and each link intentionally inter-relates as I attempt to keep messages consistent while drilling down into distinct themes. By elaborating on common philosophies from different vantage points, I hope that people can grasp these concepts in a way that is meaningful for them and help build their own awareness. These links create a veritable 'Choose Your Own Adventure' of Rabbit Holes 🐇. Click on any link to go deeper into a different (yet related) adventure and see where it leads!

Here are some other exciting features that will help facilitate effective navigation of The Rabbit Hole:

Right-Side Panel

Navigating The Rabbit Hole: A Reader's Guide

I keep this reader's guide pinned to this location for everyone's convenience 😉.

Search This Blog

To the right-hand side, above 'Labels', is a search bar. Use it when looking for content containing specific words. For example, one may want to delve into articles that touch on 'IRONY'; debatably my favourite topic!

Labels

To group common themes & show respect for my OCD 😅, I create each work under a specific label. While most articles will have multiple themes, I stick to one or two for consistency. The 'Labels' heading can be found on the right hand side (under the Search function), and are as follows. Clicking on any label will navigate to all articles/vlogs in that category, and show the number of published creations in parentheses.

• Analogical: Any creation that focuses on using an analogy to make a weighty-concept more digestible. For example, using the game of Tetris to analyse how I feel about dating and romantic relationships, how uncovering our Blind Spots keeps us safe in our cars as well as sane in our heads, or the intriguing similarity between Pricks, both human and hedgehog! 🤯😇
• Body Lessons: I exercise for my mental and physical health, but also to get my creative juices flowing! Most of my ideas manifest whilst running, rowing, tramping or yoga-ing. These articles are either specific analogies or general rabbit holes I stumble upon during my physical pursuits... For example, how can the sweet-ache of an uphill jog teach me about growth as a person 🏃🤔?
• Emotional Adventure: When someone would like to take a deeper look into emotional awareness, intelligence and also conflicting emotions, this is the label for them! This shit is both heavy and extremely enlightening, offering a means of understanding ourselves on a deeper emotional level... Which is important unless we're OK with punching a McDonald's employee in the face because the store ran out of Quarter Pounders 😂😳😏.
• Existential Explorations (Vlog): A delightful dabble into all things existential and introspective! This is easily my favourite topic to delve into, exploring SSASS and Spices... and by-so-doing inviting others to do the same. These are tracked and measured by 'Fathoms' to make references easier, and include bulleted talking points to provide relevant/related links.🙏💞

• From The Journal: Written in italics, these meanderings come directly from my own journal. Yes, this is actually the crazy shit I write to myself day-in and day-out, and are typically less dense than full articles (though no less insightful 🔍🔮).
• Poetry: No, I'm no Robert Frost or Edgar Allen Poe, but I have a go 🙏📖.
• Rabbit Hole Podcast: From February 2019 to August 2021, take an animated and amusing adventure with me as I record myself analysing particular topics or sharing silly experiences. This was the first iteration of what later became the Existential Explorations (Vlog) already described. 🎤
• Self Worth & Esteem: Ah, a formidable topic indeed! The fine line between a healthy sense of worth versus arrogance and/or selfishness is among one of my favourite subjects to contemplate. These works stem from the premise that our worth is inherent, granted to us simply by being in existence instead of being something we must earn... I must continually remind myself of this 👌.
• Shanghai Shuffle (Vlog): Starting in August 2024, including 29 Episodes, accompany me to China where I was based in Shanghai for one hair-raising, eye-watering, year. 😅💩 My reasons and intentions for going are detailed in the first episode, but my entire ethos slowly changed as I experienced cultural conundrums, delayed onset grief, and more than one hospitalisation. 🎊🍜
• Spirit Science: Mind-bending concepts, and my personal 'go-to' label for complex analyses... such as asking ourselves "Who gets the blame?" This label exemplifies a scientific Mind at work within a Soul's spiritual realm, using the laws of Physics, Biology and/or Chemistry along the way to aid in understanding. Definitely come prepared to think outside of the box as well as receiving a lesson in Science 📚🤓.
• Subtle Differences: The oh-so small nuances that frame what we say and do, giving essential hints towards our Mindsets. So many things can appear one way under a certain circumstance but completely different from another perspective, yet at face-value the concept seems the same 👆👀👈👀👉👀👇
• Summer's Summary (Vlog): A Vlog update on my previous written works, intended to convey: 1) A revisit of the article, 2) The take home message(s), and 3) A reflection on how the message(s) manifests in my current life as I continuously evolve. 🤓꩜
• Travel: I whack this label onto any work inspired by my gypsy spirit as I explore this wonderful and weird world of ours. 🛫🌏

My Other Works

Links to my previous blog, Analytical Ramblings of a Scientific Mind, as well as my YouTube channel which holds the Rabbit Hole Podcasts and the Audio Versions of articles (if there is one 😅). 

Left-Side Panel

Contact Me

I send out an article each week via a Bcc'ed email list (for anonymity). This will either be for a newly created peice or revisions to previous works. This is a means to let me know if this email is of interest, or, if there's any feedback to give. I'd love to hear from the readers either way! 📧🙏

What Others Enjoyed

Top 5 clicked-on published articles, which typically coincides with the article I've sent out via the weekly email list 😆👋. 

Blog Archive

What I've written and when... fairly self explanatory 😉. Rather than troll through the list, however, I've tried to make this easier by inserting Original Publication and Revision Dates at the end of each article. If nothing else, this proves that I continually un-learn and re-learn golden nuggets of wisdom continuously, and am perpetually humbled when I read an 'old' article only to discover that I 'had it all figured out' three years ago... 😅🙇🙈

Report Abuse

I can only assume this is a default function, I certainly didn't put it there intentionally. But hey, if you think I'm being a dick, push it and see what happens 🙋😝💣

Bottom Panel: Resources to Promote Evolvement

A list of just a few of the resources that significantly informed my own weird and wonderful awareness evolution 📚꩜.

Other Miscellaneous Points

Memes, Memes Everywhere!

Yes, I am obsessed with memes. I find they offer the perfect mental break within my meandering written creations. Some are homemade, otherwise I troll Google while writing to find one that fits the works' central thesis. 

Language

Firstly, the only truly off-limit words are those of 'You' and 'Should,' everything else is fair f*$!ing game! I abhor the word 'You' in self-development writing as I feel it comes across as accusatory and/or overtly instructional; and for me to be perceived as qualified to instruct others on how to conduct their own damn business is laughable if not entirely hypocritical 🤮. Instead I choose to use 'We,' because we're in this together dammit! I may be the author, but I'm still very much feeling and often fumbling my way through life; at times blindly, banging into all sorts of drama imaginable! I, in NO WAY, want people to think I have it all figured out, or that I have all the answers... that would be supremely embarrassing, especially since I fully expect to be arrested for exercise- (not alcohol-) related public urination some day 😅😂😇😖.

'Should' is also a no-go. Saying we 'should' do this or that subconsciously implies that what we're currently doing is 'wrong' in some way, which is not ideal for growth or healing. I can only speak for myself, but when I started paying attention to how much I heard myself thinking 'I shouldn't say that....' or 'I shouldn't have done that...,' it always inspired a sense of shame and/or guilt. Instead, let's put on our big-boy/big-girl pants and ask the bigger questions: "Why do we feel bad for being ourselves?", or "Why do we do shit that makes us feel like 💩 and/or we know doesn't serve us well?!"

We are who we are, we're at where we're at, and that's OK. If we don't like it, find that it isn't serving us well or helping us be the people we want to be, then we can shift it by becoming more aware. We're all here to learn. 📚

Secondly, F^*# yes I swear! It's colourful, adds flavour and helps keep shit light. Of course it's not intended to offend, so if people feel offended they would do well to explore why... and build their awareness! 😝🐇

Lastly, my articles are meant to be rather complex with a high degree of syntactical sophistication (i.e. impeccable grammar and vocabulary 🤓). This is intentional to create an environment wherein whole Worlds are created by reading between the lines. Reading an article once will provide one layer, while reading them two or three times over time will provide even deeper meanings, especially after certain life experiences give us different lenses to look through. As our awareness and consciousness expands, so too will our interpretation of these works.

Original Publication Date 16 August 2020, Revised 04 January 2026.

Kitchen Conversations

"I love that some of our most deep and meaningful conversations can occur in the simplest of places. Chance circumstances lead to connections that we can't even fully appreciate the significance of until we reflect on them, or find ourselves recalling random conversations with people years after the fact, marvelling at how relevant they seem to who we are now... who we've become. Yesterday, I had one such conversation.

A colleague was making a tea in the kitchen while I mindlessly stirred my oatmeal and we struck up some chat, as humans do. I've no idea how we got on the topic, I actually don't think there was a lead-in, They just launched into it, boldly and a bit frustratedly (is that a word?) claiming that the adage 'everything happens for a reason' "is BULLSHIT". 

Seriously, I googled 'Everything happens for a Reason' in search of a meme; and now I just really want to read this book!

While my own feelings and spirituality vehemently oppose this belief, I authentically enjoy understanding other people's perspectives so I asked them to elaborate... They explained that nothing happens for a reason, shit things happen simply because they do, there is no purpose or deeper meaning; that's a lie people feed themselves to make them feel better (which I do actually agree with)... And to top it off, that way of thinking underlines why religion exists... because people need something to believe in, and it's for suckers.

Though I didn't admit this to my colleague, the mere thought that nothing has a larger meaning f*$!ing terrifies me. The only peace of mind I've found, healing for my anxiety and panic disorder... ok, and my OCD as well... heavily relies on the premise that someone or something is in control. I don't like that it's not me, but I'm willing to trust that the Universe knows what it's doing, is keeping some sort of Balance that will ultimately prove Just... even if it's over multiple lifetimes. To believe there is no bigger picture, that it's all uncontrollable chaos, terrifies me to the point that my stomach twists and my brain folds over on itself, throwing up a smoke signal that spells 'does not compute!' F*#$, so much has happened to me in this life... I NEED to believe there's a higher purpose for it all, yet here's this strong person totally unafraid to avow that's a bullshit, if not weak, viewpoint; little more than a spoonful of sugar to help me swallow life's atrocities and injustices. Hell, I can't dispute there's truth in that... but... there must be a BUT! Don't get me wrong, I appreciate entropy as much as the next person, but for it to be the sole governing force of the Universe, without compassion or sense of karmic justice, is more than my Spirit can bare.

We shared some respectful too-ing and fro-ing... there were many emotions writhing in me... jealousy that they could be so brave and bold as to trust fall into nothingness and chaos, defensiveness over my own beliefs, curiousity in their argument and perspective; so much in such a small conversation while fixing ourselves a refreshment. I love this shit!

They then struck upon something that I believe informs everyone's belief around 'everything happens for a reason,' and that's culture. I'm a native-born American and they're originally from South Africa... we're both desensitised to violence and general trauma compared to most Kiwis. This belief is indeed heavily culturally relevant. Here's someone who has seen shit that's off the charts cruel and chaotic, horrific things happening to people for seemingly no reason, so their way of coping was to embrace it and disregard any type of benevolent 'master plan.' I too grew up in, uh, ahem, unfortunate circumstances and experienced various forms of abuse, so coming to believe in something greater than myself allowed me to relax and surrender a degree of control... Interestingly, this is a mindset I had to adopt to shift from anxiety and panic to peace; yet across from me is someone who made the same shift by believing the exact opposite. Fascinating!

We eventually reached common ground, which further intrigued me, as they struck upon my #1 guiding life principle... stating it's all about learning from experiences... and I couldn't agree more. After reading 'The Gifts of Imperfections' I've repeated my homemade mantra "I learn with a grateful heart" nearly everyday, and I can honestly say it's changed my life; definitely for the better. It helps me transition from a victim mindset to a thriving mindset. The former leaving me afraid of what's around the next turn, leery of the next horrible situation I'd have to face; constantly on-edge. The latter enabling me to accept the sigmoidal curve of lifes' adventures, trusting myself to grow and learn and develop as I process and move through the ups and downs, safely. It's like flying above a storm, still feeling some of the turbulence without feeling we're in direct danger. Whether it's a happy occurrence or a tough challenge, I always seek to learn and remain grateful for the lesson (even if it feels like my ass is black and blue, I can take care of that!).

We parted, thanking each other for the deep conversation, and true to my core beliefs, I was happy to have the opportunity to ask myself why I believe what I believe; explore another rabbit hole 🐇.

Original Publication Date 08 August 2020, Revised 03 January 2023

Becoming

I did not kill her, but she died.
At times peacefully, at times fighting, petrified.

I see them, and they see me.
I am not who they knew, how could I be?

Years ago I was different, same as yesterday.
Thoughts and emotions, each cell shifts everyday.

No, I did not kill her, but compost she did become.
Her death was a gift, flying, flowing, to freedom.

Isolation, Grief and the Power of Choice

[NOTE: If the thought of reading this entire article is daunting, skip down to the colourful equation below and what follows. There's a message I would really love everyone to think about.]

"... I'm starting to lose the plot, and I'm not consciously sure why. I get up, workout, go to work [in the spare room], go for walks with my husband... all the shit I normally did yet something is changing. I'm spiralling with calorie control, I don't feel like writing, reading, meditating, running or doing other things I know are good for my mental health. Even now, I had to make myself stop playing on Pogo to write. Something, oh something, is definitely amiss. I also don't sleep well every night. I'll often wake up at 3am and just start my day cuz I'm not sure what else to do.

I've tried planning, I've tried finding comfort in the math around what I burn versus what I eat... still, something eludes me and I'm gonna need the Universe's help to suss it out. No doubt it'll have something to do with control... it always does. Or perhaps it's because it's now been 2 weeks of isolation and though I've gone without seeing people for long time periods, it's never been quite this long before. My brain is starting to understand that something is wrong. Perhaps... just perhaps.

It's like being trapped, stuck in my normal routine in an entirely different way; a terrifying way. The clue that I have little motivation to do what normally 'plugs me in' is a hint that I'm avoiding finding or confronting whatever is bugging me. I don't feel well enough to run the 14km I was aiming at, but I can do 7km dammit or plop my ass on the bike for awhile. I can run with this, mull it over, dig deep... what am I afraid of? Getting fat is too easy, it's something else. Loss of connection with people? This isolation is indeed disturbing human's natural order of community; is my caveman DNA feeling this isolation in a way my 21st century DNA can't understand?... Feels like there's something there..."

And with these thoughts drifting amongst my brain matter I set out for my jog. Many things came and went, but what resonated most strongly were two sentiments: one, acknowledging the grief I feel for the way life used to be, and two, regarding how such significant life changes impact our human psyche.

And though it seems odd, I realise that I am in fact grieving; we likely all are whether we're aware of it or not. To think that life can return to how it used to be is a fantasy, a lie we tell ourselves to cope. THanks to an invisible virus, how the World operates has literally gone ass-over-end and we're treading boundaries we didn't even know existed. The term used, which is apt, is 'building the plane while flying it.' There are plenty of examples, but my favourites are redefining who are society's essential workers (because they're not necessarily the people who are compensated the most), and ironically returning to an older way of life but with the technical infrastructure of this social-media-driven, completely bizzarre, age. An interesting mix of families staying home, cooking meals, going for walks and pursuing new creative endeavours, while also able to stay connected to friends, family and loved ones outside of their physical bubble via video calling, Facebook and/or Twitter updates, Insta and Snapchat.... Hell, even email is now considered ancient technology.

Sure, there are heaps of negative examples as well, but has dwelling on negative shit ever really helped anyone? I did a lot of self-development work to ditch my negative mindset, and I'm sure as hell not going back! The fact remains however, that as a population we're in limbo; a state of transition that is extremely uncomfortable. We're grieving the old way of life, in isolation, and may not necessarily have a safe outlet for that grief or healthy coping mechanisms... as a result many people are turning to comfort/boredom eating and gaining weight. I, however, turn to exercise and deal with the consequences mentioned in italics above accordingly 😅😬. Nothing is as it was, nor can the way we're living now go on forever 😷. What life will look like on the other side is an unknown, and a vast majority of humans don't deal well with uncertainty. I know I'll put my hand up 🙋, especially given my previous struggles with anxiety.

As a scientist, I see it as an equation:

[Uncertainty about the future] + 

[Insecurities and fear for our survival/way of life] + 

[Feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness] = 

Doing dumb shit to regain some semblance of control and security 

(like buying copious amounts of toilet paper, or my own version of panic-buying)

Growing Pains... something I've ruminated about previously.

This brings me to the second point, the effect of significant change on people. In the Tarot there's a card of much significance that is about life's big changes called The Tower, and the picture on the card explains it all. One day lightening strikes and breaks down what we thought we knew about our lives. People fall, buildings crumble (all metaphorically speaking, of course) and we're left in stunned silence wondering how the f*$@ we're going to pick up the pieces. It leaves us with the confronting question of what's worth rebuilding or if we have the inner strength to make a start. When this card comes up in a reading I open up the conversation by asking about choices, because change gives us all a choice:

1. Be a victim to it, and succumb to sensations of helplessness and disempowerment... F&*#-ing BLEAK!
2. Put on those Superman/Superwoman underwear and lean the f*#@ in! Put that cape on and fly bitches!

Importantly, we're all entitled to about 10-15 minutes of state #1 (i.e., victim state), it's an essential component of the grieving process. After we've had a sufficiently festive pity-party 🎉 however, it's time to flex those adaptive resilient muscles and start rebuilding. Even better, we now have new insights and perspectives with which to rebuild; wiser from the pain, we can build a stronger foundation! 💪

Most people find transitioning from state #1 (victim) to state #2 (ass-kicker) difficult as they can't see the choice or even understand what is causing their discomfort and pain. Time spent in intentional self-reflection is what helps me, and it's as simple as what I did above: write in my journal, go for a jog and mull shit over... look what happened! Sure, I'm still uncomfortable. I'm still not happy about the situation, but everyone can be damned sure this girl is making lemonade from these lemons! (And by lemonade, I mean gin and tonics with lemons in them 😂)

See you on the other side friends!

Original Publication Date 05 April 2020, Revised 21 November 2022

20MRH: Corona-cation and Lessons in Panic-Buying

Talking Points:

• Setting the Scene: Troubled times, going to alert Level 3 and the impending Corona-cation
• Realising what I've linked to my sense of survival via adventurous panic-buying/eating (~5mins)

• Being grateful for isolation company (~10mins, FYI I got permission to use my husband's name 👍)
• Pack it up and go the f*$! home! But... my laptop died 😱(~12mins)

• Learning through the freak out embracing change, because if we don't life is gonna kick us in the nuts 💥 (~16mins)
• Our human lizard brain and embarrassing examples of my own irrational thinking (~20mins, apologies for the wind background noise )

An example of what drives my irrational fear of both weight-gain and emaciation

• Be kind! Embrace our own and each others unique irrational fears, and how we cope to ease those fears (~23mins)
• Taking care of each other by remembering to go easy on ourselves when we're panicking, most people aren't even aware of their irrational fear-based survivalist thinking (~25mins)

Related Articles

• Puff, Puff Pass - My personal history with panic attacks
• The Snake Pit - Learning via emotional awareness
• Pause for the Cause - The inter-relatedness of our thoughts, emotions and actions

Enigmatic Appreciation

Four splendid lush blossoms plucked from our rose bush and placed in an ordinary drinking glass appeared for no particular reason one day. Just there, as seemingly simple as the life we share. A small gesture to some perhaps, but as I gaze upon them a mixture of emotions flood me. An amalgam so complex that I found myself halfway down the rabbit hole before I realised that my brain was at work performing its favourite past-time: esoteric analysis. I should've known, I was vacuuming, and I often find inspiration in this most unlikely of activities.

💖🐇🌹🐇🌹🐇🌹🐇🌹🐇🌹🐇💖

Men buy flowers for women for any number of reasons, but these flowers were not purchased with money. They were purchased with something of far greater value; consistent labour and steadfast patience. Months ago we took a trip to Bunnings to purchase some flowers, soil and compost, all the gardening essentials. I've always wanted plants in my yard but found the venture far too daunting since the only thing I excel at is killing them via over- or under-watering. Classic Summer, too much or too little; balance often eludes me in far more areas of life besides horticulture. But I digress. Our plants were laid out, placed in the earth and tended to without me lifting a finger. Each and every day they were fertilised, watered and de-bugged by hand (at my frustrating insistence as pesticides may harm or otherwise starve my Montis!). The only effort I ever expended on their care was walking amongst them and talking to them every now and again, especially the yellow roses which are my lifelong favourites. No words were ever exchanged between my partner and I, no 'thanks', just an odd sort of understanding that I wasn't the gardener in the family. He consistently maintained our modest plot knowing I held it dear, though I never say anything to that effect. Likewise, though I know there were days he rather-not, he tended it without any complaints. There are things we routinely do for each other regardless of how we may feel. Whether grumpy or joyous, small acts of commitment appreciated in the heart rather than the mind. Yes, buying flowers is easy. Sowing them for months then hand-picking a few, inspired by the incomprehensible energy flow that is love, is not.

Before I lose everyone who may be thinking 'Well isn't that nice.... I wish my partner would do something like that, or .... I wish I had a partner, or ..... [insert some other form of comparison-inspired envy], rest assured that my rabbit hole is not exclusively filled with heart-eyed white fluffy bunnies. My brain has an interesting way of seeing something beautiful and morphing it into a profoundly shadowy dreamscape. There are two sides of every rabbit hole, one ordinary and the other not-so. The latter particularly elusive because it contains darkness we'd rather not think about, but how else are we meant to determine how we truly feel? In this case, the fluffy bunnies on 'that' side of my rabbit hole looked more like gnarly mammoth-bunnies with overgrown teeth and sharp claws; not unlike the pit of snakes I've described in previous works to convey how we might learn from our darker thoughts and emotions. Learning to love both of these perspectives within ourselves equally, is my very definition of self-development.

Right, where was I? Oh yes, the roses!

As I contemplated all the love, appreciation and consideration that went into an otherwise mundane act of lobbing off a few rosebuds and sticking them in a cup, I found myself overcome with gratitude (aka fluffy bunnies). In my vacuuming frenzy, however, I also sensed this gratefulness traveling with odd companions, my old familiar friends fear and anxiety (aka Freddy-Kruger and Chuckie-Doll bunnies). I noticed this internally because I heard my thoughts spiral around these three points:

1. Do I actually deserve someone who loves me on a level I can't possibly comprehend? Someone who waters these roses on days when I'm nearly certain he'd rather spray me with the hose since I've been nagging him all day about something trivial? Tends them while I'm off travelling for work, having a wine with a friend or selfishly gymming for the second time that day? Fertilises them whilst I do little more than pay my half of the bill?
2. How can I hope to sustain my current level of gratitude and never take him for granted? 
3. Where the shit do these loving sensations f*$!-off to when something doesn't go as I planned, and/or I get pissed for some reason or another? 

🐇🐍👀Looking into the weird and wonderful side of the rabbit hole wherein these thoughts lay:

#1. A long-standing self-worth dilemma that I'm 100% confident I share with every other human. Whether they care to admit it to themselves or not, is another matter completely. One of the most beneficial practice I've adopted is continually looking straight into the ugliest parts of myself and consciously CHOOSING to love myself anyway, flaws and all; lord knows I give myself lots of opportunities! The point is this, damn yes I deserve someone as amazing as this! Nothing good has ever come from feeling like I'm not good enough. It's only ever left me feeling indebted to someone who either never asked for my sacrifices, or who learned to start taking advantage of them. Neither of these situations enables healthy internal or external relationships.
No one is perfect, and we all deserve someone who loves us regardless of our humanity. 💘

#2. Ah, a question the likes of which holds the key to the 60-year marriage we ambitiously pursue! I called in a ringer to help me answer this question, going straight to the source by asking my husband. For the record, no, I don't consider this cheating on the 'How do you want me to show you appreciation?' quiz. Perhaps unsurprisingly, he feels it's as simple as expressing the appreciation one feels in real time; meanwhile my head was swimming with other abstruse considerations:

- A lack of appreciation is intrinsically linked to a false assumption men owe women flowers to fulfil some societal obligation. I'm aware that I may hold some deep sense of subconscious entitlement to such things as gifts as flowers since bullshit holidays like Valentine's day exist, and sending chicks flowers runs rampant in movies and strongly influence how we're conditioned to view relationship dynamics. Put simply, women expect to get flowers and men expect to have to give them, sans appreciation; which I think is rubbish.
[Note: This is my ex-American influence and doesn't necessarily reflect the Kiwi way of life, for which I'm eternally grateful.]

- I might also take my husband for granted and forget to voice my appreciation because, over time, I forget what it was like to be alone. People form habits far faster than we break them, and when in a relationship we make our 'other' a habit with astonishing speed. Too quickly I stop thanking my husband for watering the garden and doing the yard work, and start asking him why it hasn't been done yet. What was once an appreciated yard chore becomes an expectation devoid of recognition. There's no antidote other than remaining mindful that, without my 'other,' I'd need to do that shit myself, so I damn sure better say thank you!

I would never take the beauty of Mt. Taranaki for granted, and by extension it reminds me remain grateful for my husband. 

#3. Full disclosure, it's been suggested that I have OCD which is little more than an obsession and chronic need for control. One gigantic hurdle along my transformational adventure centres around finding ways to cope when I'm confronted with the fact that I have little-more than f*$#-all control in general, and precisely zero-control over anyone other than myself [Our control lies solely in our own mindsets and choices]. Admittedly a contributing factor to my largely-singular existence, people are the one variable that I typically put in the 'too hard' basket. Being single was much easier than dealing with the stress of constantly factoring in someone else's wants and needs. All this to say that I still struggle, and though I've traded in my single-dom for all the right reasons, when the plans I make change suddenly, never mind if they're plans I've made for another without notifying them (always with good intent, haha); I well, I tend to lose my shit.

Down into the snake pit I go until I regain some semblance of composure, remember that I'm still learning how to cope with my volcanic anger, how to temper it with the proportionally diminished sensations of the love that I normally feel, and that's okay. When I'm down in that pit, though I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, some of those snakes hiss 'I was better off alone,' and I'll be damned if I don't believe them! So yes I worry, I worry that I'll make a lop-sided decision under the influence of a few black-hearted snakes, snakes who forget how utterly miserable I was being alone all the time. Hope lies in the fact that my awareness allows me to recognise that I'm not seeing things clearly, even if I'm too pissed to care. As I come down off the anger, I can again hear the snakes that remind me of all the ways my life has been exponentially enriched when I said 'I Will.'

This precise situation was succinctly summarised on our honeymoon stay at Dawson Falls Mountain Lodge when, during our dinner service, the owner said that 'some nights you'll want to smother him with a pillow, but in the morning you'll be glad he's there and he's yours.' Words to live by.

Yup, four rose blossoms and a vacuum cleaner instigated all of this, which is why I affirm that self-awareness is a double-edged sword. While I appreciate these inner insights, it would be easier to simply think 'awww, he picked me some flowers,' and nothing else. Definitely easier, but it wouldn't enable me to continually improve myself either. By challenging what I think I know, I've also stumbled upon the only method that frees me from the emotional triggers of my past. At the end of the day, it's worth the headache, and my house is always cleaner afterwards too!

Original Publication Date 16 February 2020